Enter Mario. I noticed this last night too, and I let it go, but now I just have to ask: is wearing two tie pins a thing now? It makes his chest look like scaffolding.
Mario introduces the judges, then tells us that they'll be completely superfluous tonight because the final-three selection will be determined entirely by votes. We're starting off with the last-ever performance of the final four, who are doing a slow, dramatic reading of "Stronger," a song Kelly Clarkson performed on this show two years ago. As the one remaining female in the competition, Sierra seems to do the best with it. But I think the point of it was to remind the acts that it won't be the end of the world when one of them gets the boot within the hour. After that, Mario gets some anodyne comments on the upcoming evening from most of the judges -- aside from Demi, who when asked who her money is on says it was on Ellona. So her money's gone now anyway.
Now that nothing has happened, we get the recap of the night's show, which as always makes me feel like I wasted three hours the night before. In fact, tonight it's so long I feel like I wasted another three hours just now.
Then Mario conducts a short remote interview with the final four, who are backstage with some well-rehearsed non-answers to Mario's halftime questions. Twenty minutes in, and still nothing has happened.
Now let's watch a segment that's essentially a four-act intro reel, which is about how the final four want to win and their families support them. Did you know any of that? Why didn't anyone mention it before?
Finally Mario presents the remaining three mentors still in the competition: Paulina with Carlito, Kelly with Jeff, and Simon with Restless Road and Alex & Sierra. As always, he's got the numbers on his side, at least. I feel like the X-shaped stage should be tipping in his direction right now. Mario stretches out the announcement of the first act going through to week almost until week, and then finally says… "We'll find out right after the break!" If there's not a riot in the studio, that is.
Coming back, Mario reminds us that the results are in no particular order, as though they've been in any order at all thus far. But finally, after a very long time, he announces the first finalist: Carlito Olivero. Simon actually turns his back on this, knowing that he's now got a two in three chance of seeing one of his acts go home tonight. Maybe he shouldn't have given Carlito that sympathy vote last week then. Paulina says this is "one of that experience of your life" and that Carlito is "such a talent guy," and then Mario introduces Carlito to sing a song, right now. I think it's called "Suavemente, Bésame," because those seem to be the Spanish words he sings the most. And he's actually having fun this time, rather than just pretending to. At least now that we've seen that every finalist gets a victory song, we know how the rest of the hour's going to get filled up.
Mario then attempts to conduct another remote interview with people who are backstage, but this time it's with Kelly and Simon, who are standing to their acts. Mario asks Simon how he felt when he heard Carlito's name earlier, as though it wasn't obvious. "Thrilled," Simon says flatly. Mario tries again with Kelly. "Thrilled," she Simons. That was illuminating.
Enrique Iglesias performs, and serves as an excellent model of what Carlito Olivero aspires to be: someone who doesn't have to work so fucking hard all the time. Nice laser show, though.
Now we have to go through the presentation of the three remaining semifinalists, along with Kelly and Simon. You know Jeff isn't going to be taken out of his suspense yet, not when it can be arranges so that the final slot will be bestowed on just one of the two remaining mentors. Sure enough, the act going through to week is Alex & Sierra. I have no issues with that; my wife, who never watches this show, fell down an Alex & Sierra rabbit hole today and I got an even better sense of how far they've come this season. Alex and Simon are both gracious with Mario at center stage before Alex & Sierra get to sing their victory song. It's "Let Her Go" by Passenger, a filler tune that clearly bores even Simon. Well, I guess they've earned the right to coast for three minutes.
Finally, Restless Road and Jeff Gutt stand on two ends of the X-shaped stage with Simon and Kelly respectively. Simon is looking pretty stone-faced even before Jeff Gutt's name is announced -- which it ultimately is. Restless Road accepts Simon's sympathetic hugs, but the real heartbreaker is watching them take out the in-ear monitors that they won't be needing now. Or possibly ever, regardless of what Colton says to Mario about how they're going to keep going. Simon tells them he's really disappointed, but this isn't the end. If Simon gets behind them, that could actually be true. I mean, Emblem3 and Fifth Harmony both still exist.
Jeff still gets to sing his victory song, which is Journey's "Open Arms." And of the three finalists, he's the only one who seems to be reaching for week's big win already. He doesn't even get distracted when he drops the mic stand on the stage behind him and it rolls around to keep hitting him in the foot. It's all for his son, you know, this rock star thing he's doing. If it were just him on his own he'd be free to lock down a regular job with benefits and a paycheck, but he's stuck trying to be a rock star for his son. Parenthood really narrows your options sometimes.
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Mario plugs week's finals, from a stage that looks oddly empty with only four other people on it. If nothing else, Restless Road's exit is going to help the catering budget.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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