Tonight's opening starts out so cheesy-looking that I at first think it's a local ad. Some PA knocks on a door that's supposedly the one to Mario Lopez's dressing room, but when he comes out wearing his first suit of the season, he's clearly emerging from some curtained-off backstage area instead. He takes a little tour of the four categories all standing around together while he's walking and talking, and he says that each mentor will have to eliminate one of their own acts tonight. He goes on about that just long enough to reach the stage and greet the crowd in the auditorium. Okay, they pulled it out right at the end there.
After a truncated title sequence, Mario greets the judges and asks Simon how he's feeling about having to ditch one of his acts later tonight. Simon's not thrilled about it, but he says he might not have to, because it's his show after all. And then we get started right away with Demi Lovato's category, the Girls. Demi has returned from the two-week break with peacock-colored hair, and we see her working with her four protégées in a long rehearsal montage. So I guess we're not starting right away.
Back on the stage, Mario tells us we can vote for our favorites online, for all the influence that'll have on the judges, and then a rather excited Demi gets to introduce her first singer, Ellona Santiago. The former InTENsity member sings a dance-heavy, clubby version of Britney Spears's "Dance Until the World Ends," complete with backup dancers and everything, which doesn't really play to her strengths as an emotional belter, but she acquits herself surprisingly well. Demi ends up doing most of the cheering from the judges' table, giving Ellona a standing ovation of one. Kelly is also impressed, though, saying she's happy Ellona started the show. Paulina agrees, following that up with some babbling some more, and Simon congratulates himself for being right before when he said Demi needed to keep Ellona. Demi is obviously proud of her as well, and actually so is Mario, who invites Ellona to say something to Demi. Which Ellona does, but it's not at all interesting.
Demi remains so excited about Ellona that she misses her cue to introduce the bespectacled and allegedly awkward Danie Geimer. Plus she says her name wrong. Does not bode well for Danie. She's going with "Wrecking Ball," in which she alternates between warbling and shouting unintelligibly. Though maybe that's how the original sounds too, I don't know. Her production is rather more stripped down than Ellona's was, relying on a rose/thorn-themed projection as the backdrop. And it's a bit of a letdown. Kelly says she was expecting more from Danie, and Simon wonders how they're supposed to make Danie "not boring." Okay, ow. Paulina passes on commenting for now, and even Demi says Danie's performance needed more energy. Not looking at all good for Danie right now. She tells the judges that this is what she wants to do for the rest of her life. We'll see about that. And soon, I’m guessing.
The Girl is Rion Paige, the 13-year-old country belter with the big hair and tiny hands. She's doing Demi's own "Skyscraper" in a country style, and while it's normally considered a risky move to take on one of the judges' songs, I'm not sure that still applies if the judge in question may have put her up to it. After getting off to a relatively weak start with the song, she soon rallies and blasts it out on the last chorus. Paulina loves the performance, as well as Rion's power and courage. Simon accuses Demi of picking the song for her, which Rion says was her own idea. Now that he knows that, Simon tells her it was a brilliant decision, and the competition needs someone like Rion. Demi's proud of her too, and Mario moves things on without letting Rion address the judges. I suppose answering Simon's question counted for that in this instance.
The last Girl of the night is Khaya Cohen, the teenager from Long Island. She's been glammed up for her performance of "Mercy" by Duffy, even if she doesn't seem quite comfortable with it all, let alone the half-baked choreography she's been saddled with. She sounds better than usual, though, so that's good. Kelly says that Khaya is one of her favorites, but agreed that she looked a little uncomfortable with all the moving she was doing. Simon thinks she's got the most commercial voice of the four but wonders if people will, you know, like her. "Do you like animals?" Simon asks as a little test, which she fails. For future reference, Khaya, if someone asks you in public whether you like animals, you say yes. Demi agrees with Simon, though she does say it was a good vocal. Mario asks Khaya if Simon's right when he talks about a wall in front of her, and she says she wants to stay so she can work on bringing it down. And maybe do a Pink Floyd song about it week.
When we come back, Mario stands at the center of the X-shaped stage, with the four Girls standing on each of the X's arms awaiting Demi's decision. They're stretching it out for some reason, as Demi's going to be naming the Girls in her top three one at a time rather than just sending Danie home. But anyway, the top three end up being Ellona and Rion (whose segments of the stage switch from red to white beneath their feet), and finally Khaya. And there goes Danie, unceremoniously exiting under blood-red lights as though she's just been forever damned to the Brady Bunch's darkroom.
Paulina's Boys are going . Their training montage with their mentor takes place at a recording studio, because she wants to get to know them without distractions. Which is why she's wearing her sunglasses inside. The first of them to sing tonight is the baby of the group, Josh Levi, who is doing "Only Girl (In the World)," which ends up being a fairly solid performance for someone his age, despite the fact that he's dwarfed by the backup dancers. Demi talks about how much potential Josh has, but this wasn't the best song choice and seemed a little uncomfortable. Simon is with Demi, saying he needs a lot of work on his vocals and looked like he was trying to remember the dance moves. In fact, he explicitly gives Josh a 6. Paulina says she believes in him even if it wasn't the right song for her. Mario offers Josh the chance to talk to Paulina, and he says it only makes him want to work harder. He'll need to.
Carlos Guevara, the kid with the knit cap and Tourette's, goes . He's going for a dramatic performance of "Don't You Worry Child" by Swedish House Mafia. And pulls it off, I have to say; though I don't like that ragged edge his voice gets on the high-ish notes sometimes, everyone else certainly seems to. That includes Kelly, who also loves his spirit and can tell he's been practicing, but calls him on occasionally being what Paulina might call "peetchy." Simon says he wasn't expecting Carlos to be as good as he was, and totally bought the emotion. Demi says he's likable and enjoyed what little she could hear of his vocals. Mario adds that the online voters have him in the lead for now, for whatever that's worth. And Carlos got through that whole thing without a single tic that I saw, which must be disappointing for whoever's manning the dump button during Carlos's turn.
Paulina then introduces "Latin lover, Carlito Olivera." Those are her words, not mine. He's going with "Maria Maria" by Santana, I guess because that song shoehorns in more references to Latino culture than any other song ever written in English. Flanked by four leggy backup dancers, he throws a few moves of his own and sounds pretty good, too. Demi's quite impressed, and Simon says so far, Carlito is the one he would sign out of the singers he's heard so far tonight. Paulina says she's sweating and dancing and couldn't agree with Simon more. Mario salsas to Carlito a bit and lets him give the most efficient judge address we've heard so far. Dude came to play.
And Paulina's final introduction of the night is a performance in and of itself. It goes like this:
"Hoowah!...Tim! Tim, Tim, Tim is my…He is getting sooo much better as we speak. Uh…It's Tim! Awesome!"
Awesome indeed. Tim Olstad, the nervous kid from Winona, Minnesota, shows up in a dark suit on a dark stage and sings a few lines of Bon Jovi's "Always" in an inaudibly low register before pulling it together and nailing the rest of the song. And he's not visibly shaking for once, either. Kelly says he has a killer voice and expresses her sympathy to Paulina for the tough decision she's going to have to make. Simon, however, says it was like going from a party to a funeral where the funeral director started singing. (BTW, Simon just described the plot of Bernie). He agrees that Tim has a good voice but can't get all that excited about him. Demi's with Simon on that, and Mario allows Tim to respond to Paulina, so he reminds her of her initial assessment that Tim was born for this. And besides, though Tim doesn't mention this, he's already been eliminated once.
With that out of the way, we go right to the Boys standing on the four segments of the stage awaiting Paulina's decision. Again, there's no predicting what Paulina is going to do on account of her being Paulina, but Mario wastes our time telling us that Carlos is currently leading the totally meaningless online voting. Paulina's top three ends up being Carlito, Carlos, and finally Tim Olstad. Which means Josh Levi's flabbergasted face gets to be displayed on the Jumbotron in real time. To quote another famous Fox network personality, you can actually pinpoint the exact moment when his heart breaks.
The Over 25s category is up , and Mario reminisces with Kelly about what a wreck she was at the Four-Chair Challenge. She apparently made her final four meet her at the gym for a singing workout, which is kind of a mean thing to do to the olds, of all categories, if you ask me. Lillie McCloud, the 54-year-old with the big afro and bigger voice, is starting this category off with "When a Man Loves a Woman." It's a pretty stripped down arrangement with a stripped-down production, other than the two male Solid Gold Dancers running up and down the ramps leading to her pedestal. That part is just way too distracting. Paulina thinks Lillie is one of the winners of the competition, whatever the hell that means. Simon says she's one heck of a singer, but agrees with me that she needs to lose the theatrics. Kelly's only response to that is a sarcastic "yeah," and says Lillie is the best vocalist here. She makes an attempt to save the other members of her category from the bus she just threw them under, but it doesn't really work. Mario comes out and calls Lillie the hottest grandmother he's ever seen before inviting her to speak her mind to Kelly. She says she'll do what Kelly tells her, which after all is probably what every mentor wants to hear, especially Simon.
Single dad and returning veteran Jeff Gutt is up , wisely going with a rock song as per his wheelhouse, but it's "Try" by Pink, which is probably just enough of a stretch. He sounds good, too, and is obviously working hard to do so. Which is okay for a rock singer if not for a diva. Demi says he was great except for a last little grunt at the end that was a bit much. Simon calls his performance "raw, honest, and…bloody brilliant." Kelly also remarks that Jeff didn't turn red, so he was doing his breathing. Way to advertise his biggest weakness there, Kelly. Jeff's appeal to the judges mentions his five-year-old son counting on him, so no pressure or anything.
Rachel Potter is Kelly's singer, and she sings "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack. It's really pretty, and while it's totally different from what came before, I would argue that it's just as good. Paulina compliments her tone and says it was brilliant from beginning to end. Simon remembers that Rachel was horrible last time, but this was a perfect song for her, and he thinks Rachel did even better than Lillie tonight. Kelly tells everyone how hard Rachel has been working, and Rachel tells Kelly that she wants to go all the way with her and make music that changes people's lives. So clearly one of the many things Rachel has been working on is her speech.
Building manager James Kenney is wrapping up this category, and he's got such a high bar to meet that he's probably doomed from the first note. He does a nice, soulful job with "Red" by Daniel Merriweather, but it's obvious that dude is out of his league even before we cut to Kelly's tepid clapping. Demi says she doesn't know what Kelly is going to do, and Simon agrees that it was great, though he does admit that Jeff edged him out in what he doesn't quite refer to as the Desperate Thirtysomething Male Dues-Paying Pluggers Who Were Here Two Years Ago category. Paulina loved it too, and Kelly is also wondering what she's going to do, and though she's grateful at having this much talent to work with, she gets herself bleeped before she's done talking.
When the four Over 25s take their positions on the X, Kelly's top three begins with Rachel, Jeff, and, after some comments from her about Lillie's failure to meet her high expectations and James's work ethic, Kelly finally chooses Lillie McCloud. Back to your five jobs, James Kenney. If you can find your way off the stage, that is.
Simon gets to wrap up the night as usual, which means the Groups are going last. He had them brought to his house in Beverly Hills like this is season one or two, but served them tea before their rehearsal montage. Roxxy Montana, who are currently dead last in the online voting, are starting this one off with "Royals" by Lorde. They look and sound pretty good, and appear to have finally figured out that they're not so much a trio as one star with two backup singers, which is a big step in the right direction. Not that the online votes reflect such. Kelly says she wasn't expecting them to be this new and this good, aside from a few cracks in their harmonies. Paulina just gushes incoherently about them, and Simon remarks on how "the one in the middle has got the killer voice and you worked around her." So did he just leave them to their own devices then? Or rather, the devices of "the one in the middle?"
The first of Simon's two Frankengroups, Sweet Suspense, is up . There's a goofy opening bit where black-clad dancers bang on color-coded doors with each of the three girls' names on them, like that's going to make me learn who they are. Even when they have to ride around in front of their doors while the dancers wheel them around for a bit. Eventually they get to step down and sing a version of "I Love It" by Icona Pop that has a lot more energy than skill. I mean, they're basically singing in unison most of the time, and their voices don't sound all that great together. And then they slam their doors at the end so we can see their individual names one more time. Sorry, Simon, I'm still not learning them. Demi is taken aback, calling them stars, and Simon says that's what he calls a pop group. Wow, have pop groups gotten that bad?
Dating couple Alex & Sierra come out dressed like Sonny & Cher for an acoustic version of "Blurred Lines" that features Alex on guitar. I'm glad to say there are no foam fingers, Beetlejuice suits, twerking, or even tongues, as they stick to their usual slow, minor-key shtick. Paulina loves it, comparing them to "Bono and Cher," and Kelly says they needed to make it a little more sexy than corny. Simon calls that "complete rubbish" and embarrasses everyone with comments about their (and his) sexual chemistry before saying there's nobody like them right now. But is that a bad thing?
One last group: Restless Road, Simon's country-music boy band. They are in fact doing a country song, but it's a country version of "Roar" by Katy Perry, which is a little weird. They lean pretty heavily on the range of the guy who can do the low notes, but it works. Simon gives them a standing ovation, in fact. The rest of the judges have to take a minute to recover from how much they liked it, and Paulina and Kelly talks about what fans they are now. Simon goes on about the success that comes from talent and hard work, though he doesn't say which of those things he relied on. Mario asks them how they liked their second performance ever as a group, which, amazingly, they did. Unlike the other groups, they actually get to talk to Simon and tell him how they want to win the competition and sell out stadiums.
As the Groups take up their positions, Simon tells us that he has a couple of easy decisions and one tough one. He starts with the easy ones, putting Restless Road and Alex & Sierra into his top three before saying that either of the other two could work. In fact, he says he wants to keep them both, but Mario (or rather, whoever is talking into Mario's earpiece) draws a line in the sand and says that wouldn't be fair to the other judges. Or, you know, their acts, but who cares about them? After pouting long enough to make me nervous about the show spilling over my DVR's recording window, Simon decides to keep Sweet Suspense. Because when in doubt, keep the group you invented yourself. There'll be voting for the top twelve week, and a "meet the top twelve special" on Thursday. Which is weird, because I thought we'd already met them.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.