We're doing another week of the Four-Chair Challenge, which like last week, is being pumped up by the editing as this horrible ordeal. Sorry editors… we already know that none of the chairs are electric.
We're starting with the Boys category tonight, so there's a good chance we'll see Paulina Rubio being asked to exceed her design parameters. Kelly's final four Over 25s and Demi's final four Girls are still in the seats -- and the clothes -- they were in last week, but Mario and the judges have had wardrobe changes. I mean, it's hard to tell with Simon, but I'm assuming. Mario rattles off the names of the current top ten boys: Al Calderon, Isaiah Alston, Isaac Tauaefa, Carlos Guevara, Stone Martin, Chase Goehring, Tim Olstad, Carlito Olivero, Timmy Thames and Josh Levi. Mario gets some thoughts -- such as they are -- from Paulina, and then Al Calderon gets to start this round, much as he started the whole season. He's the host and go-to "Happy Birthday" singer at a restaurant. He seems more embarrassed about this than he is about an obviously staged bit in which he and a bunch of guys are supposedly hanging at the mall and Al flags down some girls by singing at them, which is totally the wrong thing to be embarrassed about out of those two things.
Anyway, tonight on the X-shaped stage, he sings a minor-key Dubstep version of "Call Me Maybe," which is perhaps not the smartest move. But the girls in the audience still like him and he's got four empty chairs to pick from. Kelly gets flirted with a little bit and says he started off shaky, but pulled it together. Demi thought he was a bit much and a little pitchy at times, but it was great overall. Simon calls the song choice "interesting," and says that while Al's not the best singer in the competition (cue boos from the audience and the other judges), he has lots of charisma and the potential to be a better singer. Paulina asks if he has the quality to be a "solo male… artist?" Like Al's going to say no to that. Mario calls for Paulina's decision, and she gives him a seat. Like that was hard.
is Isaiah Alston, 15, who we see frolicking in the pool with his large family in Hamilton, New Jersey, singing at his church and impressing Paulina and the other judges at his first audition with "I'm Goin' Down." But tonight he's doing a pitch-and breath-challenged version of "The Greatest Love of All" that's making Paulina cringe, Demi wince and Simon smirk. The audience reacts like they couldn't hear Isaiah at all, which is to say positively. Kelly eases into it by complimenting his bow tie, and then says that tonight wasn't as good as his first audition. Demi agrees that Isaiah might not be ready, and Simon says it was "old-fashioned" and out of tune. Paulina concedes that he has a powerful voice, but wonders, "Are you special enough for this competition?" God, Paulina, just lend the 15-year-old a chair instead of laying the existential crap on him. Isaiah pluckily says God gave him this gift to share with the world, but Paulina's not having it; she sends Isaiah home, making him the first person in this stage of the competition to be denied an empty chair. Maybe she could run over him in the parking lot later, just to complete the crushing she just delivered.
Isaac Tauaefa is the 23-year-old bouncer from Corinth, Texas, who got turned on to music when a knee injury ended his football career. He interviews, "Having Paulina decide my fate for this performance is so nerve-wracking." Is it because she seems a little crazy? I think she seems a little crazy. Actually, he says he didn't get the sense that Paulina remembered him, so he's going to have to get her attention somehow. But is singing a jazzy version of a Colbie Caillat song really the way to do that? I will say that she does seem quite focused on him at the moment his voice cracks on the bridge. Kelly says it was a bit karaoke and that he seems uncomfortable onstage, which is correct. Simon was expecting more, given what he remembers of Isaac's tone. Paulina pretty much agrees, and sends him home. Well, at least this way with seven singers to go and three chairs still empty, she's sparing everyone the stress of switching these people out later. And now I'm curious what happens if she gets to the point, where she has more empty chairs than singers who have yet to perform. Do they just automatically get chairs?
Carlos Guevara, the 16-year-old from Lexington, South Carolina with the knit hat and the Tourette's syndrome, is . There's an inspirational little intro reel of him at home and bowling with his friends, and then he comes out to sing "Ain't No Sunshine." He's easily the best so far tonight… not that that's such a high bar this early on. But the judges are into it almost as much as he is, which is a lot. Kelly says he both gets lost in the music and nailed the performance. Simon likes his tone, even when he loses all control over it, but he also likes Carlos's story. Paulina dug the interpretation, but still acts like this is some hard decision when Mario asks what she wants to do. Carlos speaks for himself, saying that he felt sorry for himself when he was first diagnosed, until he realized that complaining only wastes time and all he wants is to be an inspiration. Oh, is that all? Finally, Paulina sends him over to one of the three empty seats. That wasn't exactly a nail-biter.
Another teenager is up: eighth-grader Stone Martin, 14, from Hartsville, South Carolina. He got his inspiration from going to a One Direction concert, and interviews that as much as he might dig the attention from the girls, he has to focus on what really matters, "now that I'm a pop star." He corrects himself quickly, but it's already out there. He also says he trusts Paulina, which may be an even bigger mistake. He comes out and sings a slow, emotional version of "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia that everyone loves. Kelly loves his tone, and Demi declares it "so much better than your first audition." Simon tells him to be less robotic, but says there's a market for a version of Stone with a little more "swag." The judges marvel at Simon using that term, Demi saying, "You know it's old when Simon says it." And then Paulina asks Stone if he can be like a male Taylor Swift. Does she think these are job interviews or something? Whatever the case, she tells him to take a seat. One chair is still open and five boys have yet to sing, so I guess any hope of this round being cut short and someone coasting in by default is over.
After the ads, Mario finally asks Paulina which of her current top four is getting the boot and she decides to send home Chase Goehring. Better late than never, I suppose.
The youngest of the Boys is Timmy Thames, 13, from Malibu, California. He lives in a trailer park and is hoping to get to the live shows. He sits on the beach with his mom, hoping that he can win and help them have a better life and house, and she just tearfully says she's proud he's her son, because there's no way he's going to win this. Of course, I'm saying that even before we hear him sing tonight, and it turns out that he's got a nice, clear voice. He needs to lose the hat and the Weird Al hair, though. Kelly declares him "so stinkin' cute," but she liked his first audition better. Demi -- who we haven't heard much from tonight -- agrees that he's cute, but she wasn't blown away. Simon, however, says that Timmy's the one he would remember if he were seeing everyone for the first time tonight. Paulina just calls him her "little Michael Jackson," and Simon tells her that he's the one. Paulina tries to make Timmy wait for it, but he doesn't wait, saying he wants a chair and thinks he could make a change in the competition. Paulina lets him have a seat, which of course means that someone else is going. I really kind of hope she gets rid of Carlito Olivero so I don't have to keep listening to Mario overpronounce his name, but Demi is telling Paulina not to do it. Instead, she sends Tim Olstad back to Winona. Kelly goes, "WhaaaAAAT? NOOOO!" like we've been seeing her do in promo clips for weeks now, as Tim gets to his feet and Timmy Thames gets his chair. The audience is booing as Tim awkwardly galumphs down to say his farewells to the judges.
The audience is still booing when we come back from the ads, and Mario remarks to Paulina, "You made a very controversial choice this last time out." She tries to call a time-out -- which doesn't work -- and says she doesn't care about what they're saying but what she feels. So after telling the audience what it can do with its wish that she bring back Tim Olstad, she… asks to bring back Tim Olstad. Mario's all, "Well, uhhh, okay." Tim returns to the stage, and Paulina says she's a human being and she makes mistakes, so she wants him back. So we're switching again. I guess she's making up now for the switches she avoided earlier on. Mario asks for her final decision, emphasis on "final," and Paulina apologetically sends home Al Calderon. He had a decent run in that first chair, at least.
"Well, we made it through that," Mario says with visible relief before introducing Josh Levi, 14 and from Houston until his recent move to Los Angeles. His grandma is his biggest fan and has already made her sign for the live shows, so no pressure or anything. Paulina wasn't at Josh's first audition, so this will be her first time hearing her sing. That's a little nerve-wracking. But at least Paulina's razor-sharp decisiveness means it should be over soon. He's singing "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt, but with some Usher-type dance moves thrown in just because. Demi is totally smitten by him, so much that she's pounding the table at Pauline in excitement. Kelly declares him a "superstar," and Demi says she's overwhelmed before telling Paulina that she can't let him go. Simon says he wouldn't have picked this song, but he agrees with Kelly that "We are looking, potentially, at a future star here." Paulina just tells him that everything he did was perfect. She gives him a seat in the final four and with nobody left to sing, he's a lock, at least for now. I don't know if Paulina has the stomach to eject Tim Olstad again, and indeed when Mario asks her what her last decision of the night will be, she sends home Timmy Thames. Back to the trailer park, kiddo. So Paulina's final four will be Tim Olstad, Carlos Guevera, Josh Levi and Carlito Olivero, whose name Mario is still overpronouncing. He asks Paulina if she's happy with her final four, and she says it was "such stress" that she burned about a thousand calories. Maybe she could have made it easier on herself by not making it so hard on herself.
Time at last for everyone's least favorite category, the Groups, but Simon always gets to go last so here we are. They are: Girls United, Wild Thingz, Glamour, Restless Road (?), Sweet Suspense (?!), Yellow House Canyon, Forever in Your Mind (D-<), Good News, Alex & Sierra and Roxxy Montana. Mario asks Simon how he's feeling after seeing what the other judges went through, and he deadpans, "I expect the same support I gave them back in return." That shouldn't be hard.
Girls United is an ethnically mixed trio from Los Angeles, which they look every inch of. Simon gave them a bit of grief at their first audition, so they've apparently been spending lots of time in their rehearsal studio and on the jogging path "cardio-singing," like that's going to protect them from Simon. They are justifiably terrified. Simon looks ready to hate them from their first note, but they have some well-executed (if not well-arranged) harmonies and some high-energy choreography, which the audience loves and which Simon seems to appreciate… if a little reluctantly at first. Kelly appreciates how hard they obviously worked since their first audition. Demi thought it was "a little on the young side," whatever that means, but wants to see where they go from here. Simon likes how well-rehearsed they are, and although he's heard "a lot better" vocal-wise, he thinks there's "something commercial about you three." Which means he thinks that they're hot. Mario asks Simon for his decision, and after he scans the audience and Demi leads a chant of "Keep them, keep them," they are finally allowed to head over to the first of the four uncomfortable-looking couches at the Groups end of the stage. Those things kind of make me miss InTENsity, just because there's no way they would have fit on one of them.
Now it's time to actually meet Wild Thingz, and you know, when these two were dancing around on the stage at their first audition, they looked like douchebags. But now in their intro reel -- as they're sitting still and telling us that their stage names are "Vice" and "B.B." -- they look like mega-douchebags. They want to be the Jay-Z of L.A. or indeed the world. Simon declared them "incredibly annoying, but interesting" at their first audition, which was half right. Indeed, everything about them seems carefully calibrated for maximum irritation. They run around the stage (or in Vice's case, crawl) getting in everyone's face and just generally begging to be beaten shitless. Or maybe I'm just too old, because people who were actually there seemed to dig it somehow. Kelly tells them they're too much, but she means it in a good way. Paulina also really liked the performance. "I don't even know which one is the most annoying," Simon says, and calls it not music, but unintentional comedy. But he thinks a three-year-old might like them on mute. He asks them why he should keep them and the douchey white one talks about how this is all he ever wanted to do, and meeting the douchey brown one was like getting a superpower. Simon points to what he calls the normal part of his brain and the insane part of his brain, and he's going with the insane part. Which, of course, means Wild Thingz get a seat. This night just got a lot worse for Girls United, who are potentially going to have to spend the hour-plus sitting to them.
Glamour is the group, a threesome of tween girls from Atlanta, who sang a harmony-heavy version of the national anthem at their first audition. Tonight they do a Motown-inflected version of "Cups," complete with Supremes-style microphone stands and choreography-lite. Alas, their harmonies aren't nearly as tight as they were the first time around. Kelly loves them and also wishes it was a bit tighter, but is also proud of them. Demi could tell how hard they worked, but isn't sure they're ready just yet. Simon doesn't disagree with Demi, but their first audition was so good that he's on the fence now. He makes everyone wait a while before sending them over to their new seat, based on their first audition. Which I'm not counting on them keeping.
The last act of the night is also the first Frankengroup: Restless Road. They're three young male country singers who auditioned as solo acts and got lumped into what they insist is a "man band.". We see Andrew, Zach and Colton riding horses, fishing and hanging out in shorts. Yeah, country fans will love that. But they actually do pretty decently with their performance, overcoming some shaky solo work with nice harmonies, at least in the first chorus. And when the deep-voiced one gets his solo, he makes Kelly just about lose her shit. She's on her feet by the end, and all four judges give them the first standing ovation of the night. So I think we can assume they'll get a seat. Kelly says this was a brilliant idea, Paulina loves them, Demi reluctantly admits that Simon was a genius for putting them together. And Simon says he was nervous when waiting for them to agree to be in the group, and he's really impressed. "Play the tension music," he says dutifully, even though everyone in the room knows Restless Road is getting a couch, and they aren't disappointed. So that's all four of his seats full, with six groups to go tomorrow. So there will either be some switches or it's going to be a very long, dull night. But on the other hand, why can't it be both?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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