From the stage, Mario and Khloe quietly tell us that eight acts are hoping we voted for them last night, but there will only be six in the competition by the end of the night. In fact, by the time you're reading this, two acts' dreams have already been crushed. They may even be dead! After the credits, the hosts greet the judges, already at their table, with Britney peeking out from under a fedora for some reason. (That reason being: tired of wigs.)
So let's run through last night's developments. Backstage, Diamond was heartbroken that L.A. didn't love her performance. Vino didn't love his own and says this is the first time he'd like a do-over. Paige was, of course, thrilled after getting a tongue-bath from the temporarily deaf judges and her daughter told her, "I'm gonna go sing some more, too." Fifth Harmony's night was, of course, all about Ally's recently deceased grandfather, while Carly was, I think, wearing the hat Britney's got on tonight. Tate got a kiss and some encouragement from his wife backstage and CeCe walked offstage as though nobody hated her. And Emblem3 was -- what else? -- Emblem3.
After that, all the acts are onstage and Mario and Khloe get ready to summarily turf one of them. But first, Khloe stiffly asks Simon who he thinks is in danger. Simon says he's got a bad feeling, but won't elaborate. It's moot anyway, because the act with the lowest number of votes is... Paige Thomas. Whoa, I know I thought she was bad last night, but nobody else seemed to. The news is clearly a shock to everyone in the room except Paige, who walks over to the hosts smiling and says this is great because she's got bigger and better things to do. Looking forward to hearing all about her $7 million recording contract, then. Demi comes up onstage as we watch Paige's retro-reel, beginning with how hers was the very first audition we saw this season and going all the way up to last night, when she Rickrolled herself but good.
After the ads, Mario and Khloe introduce last year's runner-up, Josh Krajcik. He looks and sounds pretty much the same, except his new song "One Thing She'll Never Know" is pretty melody-challenged and he's singing it on a stage lit like the Brady Bunch's darkroom. The judges give him a four-way standing ovation anyway and Khloe plugs his EP. But, you know, she forgets to tell us what it's called. Guess I can't buy it now.
The hosts then tell us that the Pepsi Challenge is back, which apparently allows people on the Internet to have input on week's performances or something. I'm all for this, because they did it last year and it seriously fucked some shit up. Encore, please.
Mario and Khloe bring out the top seven and the mentors: Britney with Carly and Diamond; L.A. with Tate and Vino; Demi with CeCe; and Simon with Fifth Harmony and Emblem3. In no particular order, they start reading off names of the safe acts in super-slow motion: Fifth Harmony (who freak the fuck out like Ally's grandfather just walked up to them), CeCe Fucking Frey (back with the leopard-spots and leonine hair), Emblem3 (making it a sweep for Simon) and Carly Rose Sonenclar (no shit). That leaves Vino, Diamond and Tate, two of whom are in the bottom two. And it's not Tate, because he's safe, meaning Vino and Diamond are in the bottom two. Mario asks Simon if he's surprised and Simon says he is about Diamond, but not so much about Vino. I think he's probably still surprised about Paige.
After the break, Mario again flogs Britney's video, without mentioning will.i.am once. Meanwhile, Khloe is backstage talking about how shocked she is at the bottom two, who are standing right to her. She patronizes Diamond and asks Vino if he's mad at L.A. for changing his song on him last night. Vino says he's not and then we're back onstage with Mario, who introduces Alicia Keys. She sings "Girl on Fire." Seems a bit ill-timed for a Hunger Games tune, but she knows more about the industry than I do. Anyway, the production design is more Avatar: The Last Airbender, so never mind. At the end, the hosts come out and go right into announcing the sing-off on the way to ads. All Alicia Keys has to do is stand there for five more seconds, but at some point she gets bored and wanders off, but not without flirtily touching Mario's hair first. Nice exit.
Coming back, Mario tells us for what I think is the eighty-seventh time that Paige Thomas has already left and Britney introduces Diamond White. Who comes out and sings a balled called "I Was Here," all about wanting to leave an indelible mark after you're gone. Except she sings it flawlessly, so it might not even apply.
L.A. introduces Vino, who comes out onstage stripping to his v-neck t-shirt and then pulls the even more desperate move of reprising the song he did for his first audition. That would be "Trouble," which has been inflated into a country power ballad for the occasion. He also leaves it all on the stage, to the point where I actually don't know what's going to happen.
Mario, Khloe and Diamond reunite with Vino on the stage, and Mario gets right to it, asking L.A. who he's sending home as though it isn't obvious what with L.A. being Vino's mentor. L.A. says there are no two acts he'd rather not have to pick between. "I don't even like my own decision in this one, but I have to send home the beautiful Diamond White." Diamond fights tears like that wasn't a foregone conclusion. Her mentor, Britney, says they both did amazing, but she's sending home Vino. Mario tells Demi that she's an impartial judge (we'll see) and asks who she's booting. Demi says they both deserve to be there, but after a long pause she says she's sending Vino home. Mario tells Simon -- like he doesn't know damn well -- that if he sends Vino home he's done, but if he votes out Diamond it's a Deadlock. Simon agrees with L.A. and gets bleeped saying what I think is "Christ." He adds that they both sang really well, but he finally sends home Vino. The hosts send Diamond backstage to be with what are still her peeps while L.A. gets up to join Vino and the hosts onstage. Vino says we still haven't seen everything he's got. Maybe you should have sung a different song tonight, then. Khloe says something, but her mic is off, which is her best hosting moment to date.
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So there's the montage of Vino's whole time on the show and Khloe invites L.A. to offer his last words, which are that L.A.'s proud to call Vino family. And then he leaves the stage and Mario tells us that the rankings are coming up . I forget about that every week until it happens.
So, here goes. Obviously Diamond White is in sixth place. CeCes' in fifth, barely dodging the bottom two again, but getting congratulated anyway on rising four spots from last week. Fifth Harmony are in fourth, which seems to please Simon. Mario tells us that only one percent of the vote separate the top three and then announces that the third-place act is Emblem3, probably due to Drew from that group drumming incessantly on his torso during this segment. Simon's glad his groups are moving up, but once again it's Tate and Carly in the top two. I'm starting to understand why these shows don't generally reveal the rankings. Mario tells us there's only one tenth of one percent between them, which sounds almost statistically insignificant, but winning is winning and Carly wins her second week in a row. She looks pretty excited and Mario tells us once again that one of the top six will win a five-million-dollar recording contract. As good as Carly is, I'm still not convinced that any of them is worth that much. How about they just give a million to each of them except CeCe and call it good?
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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