You know what these pre-credits sequences need? Drama.
Oh, look, we're in Providence again. Were the auditions really in just four cities this year? L.A. guests on a morning radio show, and hopefuls converge on the area around the capital like the production has just arrived. Among them are One4Five, a group ages 19 and 23, and my mortal enemy for spelling out the numbers in its name while using a numeral in place of the word in its name. At Britney's hotel, her manager is hanging with her and they decide to respond to a helpful text from an assistant named Wade by sending him on a wild goose chase for a straw hat. A duo named Adonis & John bicker as they walk toward the audition site. Neither one of them looks worthy of the name "Adonis," and for that matter I have doubts about "John." Demi arrives via her tour bus, and we see the crowds arrayed along the sides of the street like they're waiting for a parade. And yet they're not even let down when it ends up being only three of the judges. Simon's the last to arrive, riding a little electric scooter while surrounded by a four-man police detail on motorcycles. We get to watch this for about five minutes like it's the funniest thing ever.
Let's catch up again with Adonis & John, who flirt with a gullible blonde in the rope line and introduce themselves to us as "O.G. -- Original Greeks." Adonis (the shorter one) blusters about how confident and ready they are, while John (the one with the complex scalp topiary and the jowls) roars, "This! Is! Sparta!" Out on the stage, they give their names, ages (early 30s), and jobs (diner owner and waiter) before starting "Hello" by Lionel Richie. They try to make a slow jam out of it, but it's more like toejam. I'm the first person to make that joke ever, right?
The judges just laugh at them for a while until they've decided one verse and chorus of Adonis's off-key singing and John's "yeah, uh"s are enough, and call it off. "The good news is that you have a day job," L.A. says. Demi deadpans, "I've never heard that song so 'hood." Obviously, it's back to the diner for Adonis and John, so the judges can continue mocking them after their departure.
Also getting unanimous nos are Sophia Harlow, 20, whose suit jacket is longer than her pants; Ivan Kurzhalav, 24, who dances himself out of breath so his singing is as bad as his dancing; a vocal Christina Perri clone, an a capella rapper who gets on L.A.'s nerves, a deluded mime chick, and a long string of losers. Then Zuhri Lamaar, a 26-year-old shoe salesman, declares his intention to not make a fool of himself and promptly makes a fool of himself, first by augering in on his audition and then sobbing like a toddler when he gets shot down. Providence is not, at the moment, smiling.
We come back to shots of the busy crew doing their jobs backstage, including poor Wade, who's been frantically trying to track down a straw hat for Britney. At some point, after finding one and trying to give it to her backstage, she makes an oogy-face and asks him for a tiara instead. Way to stick it to the kid earning minimum wage, millionaire princess and her bloodsucking manager.
The judges return from break, hoping for someone good. Dinah Jane Hansen, who tells us she's 15 even though the captions say she's 16 (and looking thrice that age), tells us about the house she lives in with twenty people. No wonder she's aging so quickly. The judges hear a bit of her backstory and Simon politely suggests it's probably time for her to sing. She does "If I Were a Boy," and I'm beginning to doubt that is her first audition like she claimed. Or that she's really in her teens. Is everything about her a lie? She starts out good, but when she hits the register change she blows it out.
"You took that thing to places that even Beyonce didn't take it," L.A. says when she's done. Britney says she made her day, Demi says she got chills, and Simon says this is why they came to Providence and that her family is going to be proud. All twenty of them. They all say yes, of course, L.A. predicting that she's going to be one of the finalists. Well, don't jinx it, dude. Simon talks about the 22 people she has at home, and on their way out, Dinah Jane's mom says her grandparents are going to kill her for saying there are 23 people living with them. Is the population of the Hansen house growing even as we speak? Damn, people, hurry up and get back to the house while there's still room for you!
While the judges are standing around backstage, poor Wade darts up and hands Britney that tiara she "wanted." Britney puts it on Simon, who says he's going to award it to the biggest princess of the day. Meaning Britney, of course.
Outside, a 16-year-old kid from Cincinnati named Arin Ray talks himself up outside. He's back from last season, after trying out as a soloist and getting dumped into the musical slagheap that was InTENsity. Simon seems to remember him, and Britney and Demi are embarrassed at having leered at him when they find out his age. Arin catches them up on what he's been doing the last year (working on his "craft"), and prepares to sing an original song, which always causes L.A. to make that "it's your funeral" face, and this time is no exception.
His song is kind of Usher-like, and the girls love him. Not just the ones in the audience, either; Demi and Britney continue to be totally smitten. L.A. says he likes him even more than last year and admires his persistence. Britney calls him a "true star," and Demi appreciates his confidence and his voice. "You have the X Factor," she says, like she's being paid per mention. Simon's impressed with Arin's maturity. No surprise that he gets four yeses. Alas, nobody tells him that the way he's wearing his contestant sticker on his shirt between his suspenders makes it look like he's got on lederhosen.
Up is Natalie Martin, 16, who says that her biggest inspiration is Britney Spears herself. Despite that, Natalie can actually sing, so she goes through unanimously. Another 16-year-old, Nick Perrelli, croons "Come Fly With Me," landing himself a spot in the semifinals but probably no further. Beatrice Miller is 13, and the judges condescend to her until she shuts them up by belting out a song that earns her four yeses. L.A. marvels at the number of great people they've already found, like this isn't the 13th hour of this show we've watched in Providence.
Out comes One4Five from earlier, who piss me off even more than I thought they were going to, by being a duo. Assholes. The judges ask them to take off their sunglasses, and one of them turns out to be wearing white contacts. Then they start speed-rapping, working the floor and the judges' table and just about every other piece of real estate in there other than the actual stage. The judges love them, and they're four 4 four. Fuckers.
On to a high-speed montage of people doing well and getting more yeses. Providence seems really streaky, doesn't it?
Back outside, we get a gander at some weird outfits and some people bragging about how unique they are, but then in comes a woman in a cartoon nurse costume. This, all you special snowflake-babies, is Changyi Li. She's unemployed, and she's 52, having been in the U.S. for 12 years and sounding like she's been here 12 minutes. A guy backstage chats her up, and she rattles off the names of people she wants to be like. The usual: Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, Lady Gaga. Right now, though, she's landing more on Mrs. Swan from Mad TV. Out onstage, the judges marvel at her age and Simon asks if she's married, and why not. "I'm picky," she manages after a while. Then she goes into "My Heart Will Go On," and if this were the K Factor or the J Factor, she'd probably be okay. She does hit most of the notes, eventually, but her actual voice is... not good. So how nice of her to treat us to some long, interminable notes just to show off her lung capacity. Simon tells her that she could replace the iceberg in a remake of Titanic. "I don't think singing is for you," Britney says diplomatically, and they politely send her on her way.
Oh, look, we're changing cities! And here we are in... Greensboro, again. Contestants hang around backstage, but among them are "Camryn & Alexandra, audience members," who decide to approach a bleached, faux-hawked kid named Austin Corini. His parents are church people, so it's probably just as well that the girls only ask him to sign their arms and not something else. He's there with his dad, who sends him out onstage with a hug. The girls from earlier give him a standing ovation as soon as he comes out. He's singing "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes, and turns out, unsurprisingly, to have a perfectly serviceable boy-band tenor voice. And the amazing thing about this song is how many other, totally different songs it sounds like, all at the same time. The judges pick up on the vibe in the room and talk about how cute he is. L.A. says he's seen a lot of kids like him, and Simon says it was about 80 percent when the competition calls for 110 percent. Whatever, they all tell him yes, even if L.A.'s is mostly on faith and Simon's is mostly on hope. Enjoy the semifinals, Austin.
Coming back, a 20-year-old janitor named Nick Youngerman does an energetic version of "Ice Ice Baby" that gets Britney on her feet. And yes, that song came out before he was born. Four yeses for Nick.
Time to meet a duo named Jaime, a redhead, and her Puck-looking fiancé, both of whom I hate on sight. They're all PDA in the holding room, and, they would have us believe, all the goddamn time. They have a whole dream where they win five million dollars and then use it to pay for their wedding, at which Simon will officiate. Oh my God, they are going to suck. When they get onstage, the judges are equally un-charmed by them. Including Britney, who makes a face at these young, smitten idiots like she's never heard the name K-Fed, let alone the show Chaotic. They launch into their own cheese-pop composition, which makes Rebecca Black's "Friday" sound like Bob Dylan. Simon stops them and stumbles through an explanation of how corny it was until some audience members help him out by shouting, "Cabaret!" Nos from all four of them. Kind of a shame. After all, they weren't terrible singers, just terrible people.
David Correy, 26, is here with his two brothers and a shitload of tattoos. Backstage, they hear another lucky contestant celebrating his approval, and David tells us that he's hoping this competition will somehow reconnect him with his birth mother, who placed him for adoption after having him at age 14. We have to root for him now, don't we? Out onstage, he pimps his adoptee story to the judges and sings "Just the Way You Are." And nails it. Now I just feel bad for this 40-year-old woman in Brazil who's going to think she gave birth to Bruno Mars. The crowd loves him, and Britney's moved nearly to tears. L.A. appreciates the power of David's upper register. He wants him to work on the lower, but gives him a yes. The other judges make it unanimous, as always, but not without Simon making him sweat for it a bit. As almost always.
Changing cities again, now we're in... San Francisco? Seriously, are there really more audition episodes than audition cities? Outside the Cow Palace, we meet a nerdy 13-year-old named Trevor Moran and a 27-year-old vocal coach from Atlanta named Tara Simon, who apparently brought a stack of glossies. And then a young woman gets out of the front of a black SUV, as out of the back gets... Shannon Tweed. If you watch Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, you probably already know that the girl is Sophie Tweed-Simmons, 19. Which I don't, but that's what captions are for. "I'm from L.A. and I'm a student," she says modestly. Over the understated caption "Gene, Sophie's dad," the bass player for KISS marvels dodderingly about the number of people here to audition. Think this is going to be a crossover episode? We do get a montage of KISS footage, lest we think that The X Factor was actually going to play this cool. Sophie talks about how she wanted to do this on her own, so she's a little disappointed at all the attention her literal rock star dad is getting in the line outside (though not from Tara Simon, who is already a star in her own mind). Sophie eventually makes it to the stage and gives her whole name. "THAT'S where I know you!" Demi says, pointing an accusatory finger. "You're Nick's sister." This is already not going the way Sophie planned. Maybe she could have gone a little more under the radar, then?
She sings "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele, and she's just good enough that she's going to need to be Gene Simmons' daughter, if you know what I mean. I'm pretty sure one of the judges would stop her a lot faster if she were anyone else, but eventually Simon raises his hand like he expects it to get shot off from the wings. Demi suggests Sophie work on her vocal control, L.A. says he didn't quite get the chills he wanted, Britney compliments her voice, and Sophie says, "Thank you, ma'am." "She called her ma'am," Shannon Tweed groans from backstage. When it's time to vote, L.A. gives her a no and Britney and Demi a yes. It's easy to forget that it takes three yeses to move on, given how infrequently the judges disagree, so it's a good thing L.A. reminds us. Simon finally gives her a yes and tells her to practice hard for the round. It won't help. Afterward, Sophie congratulates herself on making it through as herself (which she didn't), and proposes going by just her first name from now on. Yeah, I think that window's shut, Sophie. Backstage, Tara Simon makes some catty remarks to another contestant, but being right about Sophie doesn't make her any less of a dick.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.