Britney and Demi are getting made up in their hotel rooms as Britney VOs about how she feels so at home here in the South, and Demi tells us she's on tour at the same time she's going to these auditions. That sounds like a busy schedule. L.A. pays his restaurant bill and Simon texts from his room as they both VO about their hopes for finding a superstar, I guess like they didn't last year. And then we're in downtown Greensboro, which looks as abandoned as a zombie movie, unnerving Simon and Britney as they caravan through separately. Well, that's because everyone's at the auditions at the coliseum outside of town, including hairdresser Krysten Colon and unemployed 18-year-old Julia Bullock. Britney mugs that everyone's here instead of downtown. "Not quite everyone," a subtitle contradicts in the absence of a host, because Simon's being driven through the empty streets and asking what Greensboro is famous for. I think that question might have a faulty premise, but his driver tells him grits and country music. "Where could I get a grit?" Simon wonders. He and his driver end up at Jake's for some grits while Demi and Britney wait around backstage for him. The judges make it out to their table behind schedule, but Simon got his southern food so it was all worth it.
Looks like we're starting with Willie Jones, who is 17 years old in 2012 but has the haircut of Cameo's lead singer in 1983. He's from Shreveport, where he says there's nothing to do but go to the mall, which might explain why his whole damn family made the 14-hour drive for this. The judges interview him a bit and L.A. says he doesn't have to call him "Sir." Then Willie's backing track begins -- full of twangy lap steel. Yes, this hip-hop looking kid is a country crooner. Unfortunately, he has the voice of the "Chocolate Rain" guy on the low notes, but the judges and the audience seem charmed by the novelty of it all. L.A. calls him an "absolute original" and even loves his name. Britney says she was surprised (although she usually is), Demi likes his personality and Simon says Willie's the reason they came to Greensboro and that this is a day to remember. Well, Willie and the grits. All four of them are happy to say yes to Willie. I have to admit that I'm kind of jealous of them for hearing whatever it is I'm missing.
Up is Kalvin McManigle, a toothless, cowboy-hatted, grey-mutton-chopped codger who looks like the cook in a cowboy movie. He's 47 years old and looks at least twice that as he explains in an unintelligible Boomhauer accent that his job is installing lawn mower handles. He goes into his performance, which is less singing and more seizure, than stands triumphantly in front of a silent hall. He says something to Britney, who worries that she's related to him somehow. Kalvin takes off with his four no's and an unhealthy anticipation for his family reunion.
Julia Bullock comes out, still unemployed according to the subtitle, and talks to the judges about her band. Only they're not a vocal group, so she's auditioning on her own. Demi asks her how the other members of her group feel about that and we cut to earlier in the parking lot, when Christian -- her bandmate and also her ex-boyfriend -- told her that today is effectively the end of the band. He's clearly still not over their breakup and the third member of their band is clearly wishing he were anywhere else, up to and including the store where Christian is going to go later to buy a murder weapon. Back to Julia's audition, where she lies that her bandmates are passionate enough about music to go on without her. Christian is backstage looking passionate enough to go out onstage and bludgeon her to death with a microphone stand if Simon doesn't stop making her poke that scab. She sings "Pumped Up Kicks" pretty well in fact, and the audience's reaction causes Christian to continue dying inside. Simon tells her she's one of his favorites, Britney likes her unique voice and L.A. says she's exactly what she's been looking for. Demi also likes her. All yeses for Julie, but of course this is all about Christian, looking increasingly murderous backstage. The camera even zooms in on his folded arms while everyone else in the entire building applauds. Time to move on, Christian, and find yourself a nice guy.
It's not just vocal auditions in Greensboro, but "flavor auditions" as well, as Pepsi's got a big booth set up for people to try out some new flavors of soda. The most interesting thing about this segment is that we learn that there is such a job as "Pepsi Ambassador." Learning the language must be a bitch, though.
We re-meet Krysten Colon (pronounced "Cologne," at least by her), the 21-year-old hairdresser who dreams of a job where she doesn't have to be on her feet 14 hours a day. Came to the right place then, didn't she? She shares her confidence with her mom backstage and goes out for her audition, suddenly coming over all nervous. And we know Simon likes her because he doesn't immediately grimace when she says she's going to be singing an Adele song. She goes into "Don't You Remember" and gets about one verse in before Simon calls a halt on behalf of all four visibly bored judges. She asks for another chance, and Simon says he wants her to come back... later. So that's neither a yes nor a no, for now.
Commercials. Lana Del Rey for H&M? Two things I try to avoid at all costs.
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A couple of young dads bond in the line about this being their dream and how having a kid fucks that all up, though not in those exact words. One of them is single dad Jeffrey Gutt, 36, who has already sabotaged his three-year-old son's life by naming him Talon, so he might as well do this too. Meanwhile, Krysten Colon is still practicing for take two. Jeffrey comes out onstage to sing "Hallelujah," which he at least knows is originally by Leonard Cohen, unlike some other auditioners I've seen in the past year. He belts it out angry-style, with plenty of glory notes and a red face and everyone loves him. In fact, the judges have to wait a while for the audience to calm down. The judges take turns complimenting him, and as a rumble of thunder is heard, Demi says even God is rocking out now. Simon calls it one of the most brilliant auditions he's heard. Unanimous yeses for Jeffrey. And then Talon runs out onstage and into his arms, which... what am I, made of stone? "One for the dads," his buddy from the line tells him backstage afterwards. Wait, that includes me, doesn't it?
As previously hinted, the weather's starting to get as stormy as Britney's twenties. And inside, we commence tonight's montage of suck. Marchello Penn is in the middle of a falsetto abortion when lighting hits the building, knocking out some of the stage lights and the judges' microphones. Simon takes this as a sign from God that Marchello's done, not that he needed one. Soon it's storming hard enough to cause the roof to leak, but the auditions continue. God also apparently hates 21-year-old Byron Edward's rendition of "Chasing Pavements" as much as the judges do. Fright-wigged Jazi J, 26, is declared "very irritating" by Demi, and more wannabes are shot down while the thunder and lightning rages on outside. And then it's Krysten Colon's turn again. We flash back to way back when, when Simon told her he wanted to see her later with a classic song. Now she returns, and the thunder heralds Krysten's version of "I Have Nothing." She doesn't have a great grasp of the melody on this one and faceplants with particular egregiousness on the chorus. Even her family is cringing backstage, though not as hard as Britney. I have to admit that I've never been terribly impressed with many of Britney Spears's skills, but she is a master cringer. The judges don't have the heart to stop Krysten after asking her back, so fortunately the storm steps in, scaring the crap out of Britney with a lighting strike practically inside the auditorium. The judges take the opportunity this break affords to tell Krysten that her voice isn't good enough. Krysten doesn't take this gracefully, arguing even as her mom quietly advises from backstage, "Let it go, Krysten." Four no's from the judges make it official, and Krysten leaves the stage cursing. Backstage, she commences a proper meltdown, crying into her mom's arms for a few seconds before starting to Hulk out. "You said you weren't going to do this," her mom reminds her, hinting at a whole stack of pre-existing issues. Krysten proceeds to yell at producers, throw water at a camera and pick up a chair like a WWE character as security chases her out into the rain and her mom apologizes to the camera for her behavior. Oh well, at least now lots of people are going to want to work with her, right? week: more auditions, possibly unto the end of time.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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