Steve welcomes us to the show from the balcony, because in the background, the stage appears to be occupied by seven druids standing creepily silhouetted in a misty circle. Steve tells us that over 16 million people voted last night, and then directs our attention to the finalists on the stage. For it is they I mistook for druids, and now they're singing "Man in the Mirror" with images of Michael Jackson on the screens. Melanie gets the chorus, of course, because she's sung this before. Movie night, remember? Man, this show. Steve comes out to join them afterward, telling Chris and Melanie to scootch apart to make room. It's not every day you hear the word "scootch" live TV. He sends us to the recap of last night's episode, which extensively covers the presence of the Jackson family before moving on to the capsule versions of the performances and backstage moments too brief to mention, except for the possible exception of L.A. telling Chris he's the most original person in the competition, and someone waylaying the Jackson kids backstage to ask what they thought of the show. Paris: "It was neat." Okay then.
After that bit, Steve gives each judge a chance to talk about how great last night was -- even L.A., who acts surprised that Steve remembered he was there. Then there's a plug for the new MJ/Cirque album, because we didn't get enough of that last night, and then we go to the real ads.
Steve reminds us of last week's Pepsi Choice performance, and how it was the result of what happens when they let the audience pick stuff. "It was phenomenal! Out there, but phenomenal." Well, he's one-third right. Apparently they're doing it again, letting Pepsi/X Factor fans pick one of the two songs each of the final five will be singing week. Let's hope that gets equally sabotaged, shall we?
Steve brings out the final seven and their mentors: Nicole with her one remaining singer, Josh Krajcik; L.A. with Astro, Chris Rene, and Marcus Canty; and Simon with Drew, Rachel Crow, and Melanie Amaro. Steve reminds us that four of those acts will go straight through, one will be summarily booted tonight for getting the lowest number of votes last night, and the second- and third-lowest vote-getters will compete with each other to stay in the competition. In no particular order, as always, the first safe performer is...Chris Rene. He looks openly stunned (like everyone else) as he leaves the stage. Also safe is Melanie. The smiles of the remaining five onstage are starting to look a little stiff. The person named is Rachel Crow, leaving Marcus, Astro, Drew, and Josh still waiting to find out which of the four of them is safe. And they'll be waiting a while.
Because even after the ads, Steve has the four of them standing backstage looking nervous so he can remotely interview them Julie Chen-style. Astro's playing it cool, Drew looks like she needs to get to a bathroom stat, Marcus grins about the tension and the pressure, and Josh admits that anyone could win or lose. And they're going to have to wait even longer, because they still have a performance from Tinie Tempah to sit through. Apparently he's the UK's best-selling rap artist, which is the approximate equivalent of being Finland's best-known kung fu star. Whatever, he performs, has rap-sex with Nicole, it ends, and then there are yet more commercials. At this rate, by the time Drew finds out if she's safe she'll be dead.
Post-ads, Steve has Josh, Drew, Astro, and Marcus out onstage, and after a pause almost as long as the ad break itself, he announces that the fourth person automatically in it for another week is... Josh. He picks up Nicole in a celebratory, splayed-leg hug while Simon and Drew look actively pissed at her being in the bottom three for the first time. Steve gathers in L.A., Simon, Marcus, Astro, and Drew to find out who's leaving the competition right now. Steve goes over the judges' comments from last night. Then he throws the note to the stage to dramatically demonstrate that it's really up to the public. Drew, who's been fighting tears for a while now, starts crying like she's already lost, when in fact the first loser tonight is... Astro. Steve tries to chase the kid down while he hugs L.A. and Marcus (and then Simon and Drew) and the audience boos. Astro claims to be cool with it, and L.A. tells him he's a star, "It's that simple." Well, it's a little more complicated now. Season-covering montage of the kid who started out as Brian Bradley, and he wishes Marcus and Drew (who's still crying) the best of luck before giving his shout-outs and making his exit. Well, at least now I can stop saying "acts" and start saying "singers." Steve sticks the mic in Drew's face so she has to talk about hoping people will see her true talent, and Marcus says he was hoping to not have to be back here. But what really matters, as Steve knows, is how the judges feel. "I've still got two," L.A. says, and is confident in Marcus. Simon, who clearly wasn't prepared for this, mutters that it's a sing-off. We'll be back with that. Eventually.
We're back, and honestly, how many "final showdowns" are there on this show? Steve must have learned the meaning of the word from Final Fantasy. He asks Paula, the "completely impartial judge," what she expects from Drew and Marcus. Paula blathers about them needing to prove they need to stay, only with a lot more numerous and nonsensical words, and Steve throws it to Simon without checking with Nicole, who also doesn't have a dog in this particular round of the fight. "Sweetheart, best of luck," Simon says as he introduces Drew. She comes stumping out in her boots and dress and sings her second Roxette song of the competition, "Listen to Your Heart," with all the trademark vocal breaks we've come to expect from her. She's also the first person to ever do a "save me" song with more choreography than in her original performance. Sure, she just takes a stroll around the circular catwalk, but for her that's like one of Marcus Canty's backflips. She also tries to stretch out vocally quite a bit, which, unfortunately, only serves to demonstrate why she doesn't do so more often. She's so emotional at the end that Steve rushes out to hug her like a worried uncle before dismissing her from the stage with some words we don't hear. It was either reassurance or orders to save the tears for the final sequence.
1 2 3 4
L.A. says, "This is Marcus Canty" in a completely unfamiliar tone. I almost said, "Who?" Marcus comes out and before he sings, he gives a little speech about giving us his heart and soul. Nice sentiment, but he'd probably do better giving us his voice. He stars weak, gets stronger, then his voice cracks on the high notes as well. And he's also singing another sad, desperate breakup song. There never seems to be any shortage of those on results night. L.A. tries to pull a Nicole, standing up and dancing while his contestant sings so everyone will think he's more awesome, but he can't really bring it off and ends up sitting down again. Probably best that way. After Marcus finishes, Steve and Drew come back out, Drew grasping Marcus's arm just as he steps over to Steve's other side in a way that makes it look like she pushed him away. I think I'll decide she did anyway, because it's funnier that way. Anyway, it's all over now but the... ads.
Coming back, Steve towers between a very serious-looking Drew and Marcus as he asks L.A. first who he's sending home. L.A. says he's always believed in Drew and compliments her walk during her performance. He also gives Marcus credit for working hard, and claims to be torn before taking his time to say he's sending home Drew. Steve skips over to Simon, because is vote is even less of a mystery than L.A.'s. He takes all the blame for Drew's current position, saying he did it all wrong last night, and begging Paula and Nicole to give Drew another chance. As much as he likes Marcus, this is his second time in the bottom two and he's sending him home. So now it's down to Nicole and Paula. Nicole pulls a totally fake weepy-face for half a second and gives Drew a slew of compliments before turning to Marcus and gushing with a little more sincere emotion about his heart and soul. Her vote is to send home Drew, who looks ready to collapse. Now it's down to Paula to either ditch Drew outright or leave it up to the votes. She reminds us what she said about the "save me" song beforehand, and since Drew didn't measure up, she's sending her home. Simon gets up from the table and paces around in a snit while Marcus hugs Drew so tight his hand-mic picks up her ugly-cry. Simon's joined them onstage, glaring out at the auditorium as Drew manages to collect herself enough to promise she'll keep going, with more different and upbeat stuff. Yeah, okay, Drew, I feel bad for your 14-year-old ass that's never going to duet with Justin Bieber now, but it's not like nobody gave you a chance to punch it up a little. It's been months, young lady. Simon's so pissed he refuses to speak into Steve's microphone, Rachel and Melanie snap their leashes and come out onstage to hug and cry with Drew, and Steve cues the Drew-montage, literally throwing his hands up in despair and saying, "Eh," while wandering ineffectually off upstage. Which right there is my favorite moment of this entire show ever.
1 2 3 4
Coming back from that, Simon is still reluctant to say anything, telling Steve that he'll talk to Drew backstage. But then he can't stop himself from saying she didn't deserve to go home. Drew's back to crying like she's at a mob funeral and letting Simon lead her offstage, but Steve's not done with her, and when he thrusts his microphone in her face, she blurts, "Jesus loves all of you guys and I haven't gotten to say that and that's what I'm here for and that's what I truly was in this competition for and now I'm saying it!" So there! Maybe that would have been more impactful in a Caribbean accent, though. It's a pretty awkward final moment up there with the judges and the final five, and Steve reminds us one of them will win a five-million-dollar recording contract like it's the worst news he's ever heard. And then he signs off with these magical words: "It's been an absolutely shocking night, filled with emotion... stay tuned for Bones." Oh, man, Steve Jones has the most ridiculous job in the world.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
1 2 3 4