Okay, they're obviously just giving everyone in the production staff a turn at the mic for the opening voice-over. The good news is that means the Wolfman Jack-in-a-too-tight gimp collar they've got announcing tonight probably won't be back after this. After flashbacks to last night and the reintroduction to the four mentors and the twelve acts (I'm not going over it all again; the show's only an hour tonight, after all), Steve gets to walk out in front of the live audience and make that irritating X symbol with his forearms like it's his superhero sigil. He reminds us that the acts performed last night, America voted (shit, I totally forgot to vote!), and one of the acts is going home tonight. Enter the judges, dramatically as always, and then Steve tells us what's going to go down. We'll find out which ten acts got the most votes, and they'll all be safe for week. Then the bottom two will sing, and the judges will decide who to boot. But isn't that a conflict of interest, if the bottom two are from two different categories and two judges are advocating for their own people? I don't know, I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.
But first, the final twelve all get to sing together live for the first time. They're all wearing glittery black and gold and sound great, coming in one at a time to sing a line or two in turn. And then LeRoy misses his cue even though we can hear him singing, so thanks for telling the world this is lip-synced, LeRoy. Also surprising is how good Melanie sounds harmonizing with the Stereo Hogzz. Astro provides a rap break, and maybe he shouldn't have publicized yesterday that he only does his own lyrics, because that just makes it more embarrassing for him when he forgets them. Anyway, everyone gets a turn, and it's kind of cool overall, even if everyone really ought to be concentrating on their individual performances. But not to worry, Steve says we can download that and any of last night's performances. Good, I was waiting for someone to tell me that.
Steve alludes to some drama onstage and backstage last night. We flashback to the performances and judges' comments of everyone from last night, as well as some backstage comments afterwards. What we learn from this sequence is...well, that sometimes it's really hard to fill an hour of live TV on which only one thing really needs to happen.
Coming back, Steve reminds us that the winner gets not only a five-million-dollar recording contract, but also GETS TO BE IN A PEPSI COMMERCIAL!!!2@! Montage of past commercials and the final twelve pretending like that's the part they're most excited about. And then, after this whole bit about how special and amazing and once-in-a-lifetime it is to have a Pepsi commercial, the current Pepsi-ad song is performed by someone nobody's ever heard of called "Outasight." Awesome. Well, I mock, but I think this is the first time an entire song has actually been performed all the way through on this show, and that's something. Then all the dancers have to hold still on the stage while Steve flogs the first results to be announced after the break.
But not right after the break, because first there's a montage of all the contestants talking about how much they don't want to go home yet, because this is all they want to do, going home would be devastating, blah di bloo. Because whoever ends up leaving tonight, we'd hate to think they'd do something as gauche as to survive it. Back onstage, Steve brings out the finalists, accompanied by their mentors. Thus L.A. comes out flanked by Marcus Canty, Astro and Chris Rene, looking a little embarrassed by all the pomp. Simon comes out with Drew, Melanie Amar, and Rachel Crow. Paula comes out at the head of the small army that is Stereo Hogzz, InTENsity and Lakoda Rayne, and finally Nicole leads out LeRoy Bell, Josh Krajcik and Stacy Francis. Steve preps to reveal the names "in no particular order," and seems a bit nervous himself as he again explains that the bottom two will sing for the judges, who will decide whom to boot. Steve waits for silence so he can repeat the "no particular order" thing and start announcing names. Well, pausing and announcing names. Actually, mostly pausing. A full fifteen seconds elapses before he names Marcus Canty, and I finally understand how they're going to fill the half hour. "See you week," Steve says, like Marcus is off to his hotel room until Wednesday. Drew only has to wait twelve seconds to hear her name. Whoa, pace yourself, Steve-O, you don't want to blow your wad too early. And then, after another twenty seconds, he just says he'll announce the act after the break. Oh, he's gooood.
Coming back, the third person voted through is LeRoy Bell. There's lots of hugging and a nervous look from Simon and some brief muting, which means someone on that stage has a bit of a mouth on them. Also surviving the first vote is Astro. Steve reminds us there's no particular order, then inflicts a few more Pinteresque pauses in the course of saying that Lakoda Rayne, Rachel Crow and Chris Rene are still in it as well. That's a sweep for L.A.'s group. Josh is also going on, as is Melanie, putting Simon in the same position as L.A. That leaves Stacy Francis, InTENsity and Stereo Hogzz. Steve reminds us that one will go on, the other two will perform again tonight for their survival, and one of those two will go home. Still in no particular order, Steve prepares to announce the tenth act. And it's Stacy Francis, which proves that the "no particular order" thing is bullshit and they went in order of who's most likely to cry on live TV. So Nicole's got a clean sweep as well. Sucks to be Paula right now, as she's going to lose one of her groups tonight no matter what. Steve goes even further, calling it her "nightmare scenario" and asking how she's feeling. Paula says it's tough for America to connect with groups (you know, like The Beatles), but she's confident they're about to wow everyone. For all the good it's going to do one of them. Well, at least I don't have to worry about judges deadlocking over keeping each other's acts. Now I'm wondering what happens if Paula runs out of groups before the other judges have lost any. Does she just sit around the rest of the time looking sad like the first bankrupt Monopoly player?
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After the ads, the judges are back at the table for what Steve calls "the final showdown," as if InTENsity vs. Stereo Hogzz is going to be anything short of Bambi vs. Godzilla in this room. He sympathetically asks Paula to introduce the first of her two acts. Paula says they're superstars who have earned their place on the stage, so we know she's talking about Stereo Hogzz. They come out and sing "Emotion" by the Bee Gees. For which one of them, naturally, is dressed like Buddy Holly in capri pants. Of course you want to go with a look that matches the theme. They're not bothering with choreography tonight, and barely with the harmonies. Then Paula gives a much more lukewarm intro for InTENsity, who comes out and does "My Life Would Suck Without You," with a similar commitment to choreography and harmonies we just saw from Stereo Hogzz. But at least they're playing into Simon's assessment of them as "the hot new Glee." Ellona gets most of the solos, too. But seriously, I've seen better developed choreography on Glee when the cast is supposed to just be fucking around in the choir room.
Back from what I assume is the last break, Steve is onstage with both groups, explaining that it's now up to the judges to decide. He adds that if there's a tie, "We go to Deadlock." Well, that sounds like a reasonable resolution. Actually all it means is that the act with the least votes from the night goes home. So not so much a deadlock as a tiebreaker. Deadlock makes it sound like the season screeches to a halt while the judges barricade themselves in a conference room for months. So you can imagine my disappointment that that's not what it means. Steve sighs like this is really hurting him, and asks Simon who he's sending home. Simon, who last night said there's not a band in the world as good as Stereo Hogzz, says he's sending them home tonight because he thought their performance tonight was the weaker of the two. Which is dumb. Steve turns to Paula, who has to give a whole emotional speech before saying she's getting rid of InTENsity. Nicole looks like she's praying as she gives a long speech, until Steve rushes her to name InTENsity. It's down to L.A., and Steve gives him even less time than Nicole, but he takes that and more before finally sending home InTENsity. So Stereo Hogzz is in it for another week, and the members of InTENsity just lost The X Factor for the second time. They look pretty bummed about it, too. Montage of InTENsity's long, wobbly career on this show. And then my DVR cuts out the end. Hurry the judges along even more time, will you, Steve?
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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