Is The X Factor selling itself short with this "special night" stuff? Isn't every night that The X Factor is on automatically special?
The previouslies look like what it must be like to watch this show in Heaven: everything is glowy and fuzzy and is over in just a few minutes. As you recall, we're down to the final 32, 16 of whom sang for their individual judge/mentors at their homes, with the "Boys" at L.A. Reid's house in the Hamptons, the "Girls" at Simon's place in France, the Groups at Paula's digs in Santa Barbara, and the Over 30s with Nicole in Malibu. We're reminded of how Jazzlyn Little was all nervous at her first audition, then blew everyone away. And then she made a nervous mistake at Boot Camp, so of course she's all nervous about singing in front of Simon. Which, I don't blame her, with Simon sitting all creepy on that couch on his pool deck with his shades on and his shirt half-unbuttoned. During rehearsal, the vocal coach is giving her tips on keeping her cool, but when she appears in front of Simon, she's so nervous she can barely breathe. At least not until she goes into a slow R&B version of "I Will Survive," and actually seems to be enjoying herself by the end. Simon seems satisfied with her performance, but the same vocal coach who was helping Jazzlyn earlier describes her as "a little high-school talent show." Harsh!
Over to the Reid Ranch in the Hamptons, where pretty boy Brennin Hunt is about to perform for L.A. and Rihanna. We flash back to Brennin's first audition, and catch up with him as he makes world-weary pronouncements to the other "Boys" from his advanced age of 26. He interviews that he wants to be the biggest star in the world, bigger than Lady Gaga. Why doesn't anyone ever say they want to be bigger than Rhett Miller or Neko Case? Anyway, he gets up on L.A.'s back deck and sings in a way that shows he can either sing or be good looking, but not both at the same time. Rihanna tells L.A. that Brennin's "a little bit corny." Agreed. But as he rejoins the other boys in the living room, he says he'd be even happier with his performance if he weren't such a perfectionist.
More X Factor on Tuesday? The hell?
Over to Villa Abdul, where the Stereo Hogzz from Houston are about to perform for Paula and Pharrell. They sing a rock version of "Heard it Through the Grapevine," mostly showcasing one of the singers while the other four pretty much keep themselves busy dancing and harmonizing now and then. They're very tight, though. After they leave, Pharrell nails down his interpretation of the lead singer as an "old Motown guy meets Ginuwine," impressing Paula so much that she jumps out of her chair and literally won't let go of his hand. Pharrell's thinking, "How many more of these?
At Chez Scherzinger, Josh the Burrito Guy is the first of the Over 30s to sing tonight for Enrique Iglesias and Nicole. We find out that he's got a 13-year-old daughter back home, and he's 30, so do the math. This explains why he's so unaccustomed to having any time in the shower. The song Nicole picked for him is "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." He's all restraint this time around, giving me plenty of time to observe that of all the judges' houses, Nicole's has the best view, overlooking the Pacific Ocean in the distance. She must be the richest one. He gives them a little speech about his confidence and thanks them for the opportunity. Nicole and Enrique discuss whether he can be a star, and agree that he's not a typical star. They should maybe reserve judgment until the makeover episode.
Four-girl band 2 Squar'd is up, and Paula's making them sing "Bohemian Rhapsody," which will be either horrible or awesome. And...well, it's not awesome. They start the song about halfway through, and try to do it all slinky, which really doesn't fly, and their lead vocalist isn't great. Paula and Pharrell are pretty reserved with each other in their praise for them afterwards.
At the Reid Ranch, it's time for Tim Cifers, that country singer I totally forgot about. He's interviews that he's here to give his kids a chance to grow up with the "countryism" he knew as a kid, i.e. hunting and fishing and all that, and figures this is his one shot to give it to them. Does that really cost five million dollars? He sings a slow, sad country sing about his dad. Once he's done, Rihanna admits that Tim's a real country singer, but L.A. says he wanted more from him. Singing while standing up, maybe?
For once. Rachel Crow, the sassy 13-year-old, didn't have to go first. She interviews about all the home improvements she'd make with the five million dollars, like it's already spent. I should advise her that even if she loses, chalkboard paint really isn't that expensive. She sings Simon a downer, distinctly un-sassy version of "I Want it That Way," apparently having forgotten what got her this far in the competition. But Simon really dug it, and gushes to his flunkies about how he appreciates her taking risks. Nice to see him not trying to stuff people back in their boxes on this show. Not that he ever did that on any other show that I may or may not be aware of.
From the youngest person still in the competition to the oldest, we go to LeRoy Bell, who just turned 60. He interviews that he's been pretending to be in his 40s for the last ten years, and pretty convincingly, I would guess. He adds that there are plenty of people in their sixties making great music. "I don't see why I should stop." Because they've been doing it for forty years or more? Not that LeRoy isn't awesome; he sings a sweet, slow song, sounding great, but when he's done, Nicole is worried about the level of his nerves, and wonders what to do. Enrique's no help to her at all, and off to the side, LeRoy is cautiously optimistic as he talks to Steve. I love how this is edited like all four series of tryouts are happening simultaneously, even though a) it's daytime in both France and California, b) Mariah Carey was supposedly grounded by Hurricane Irene when it's sunny and beautiful at L.A.'s place in the Hamptons, and c) Steve is in all four locations, d) wearing different outfits.
Back to Villa Abdul, where it's time for Illusion Confusion. I feel like we've never really heard them perform, and that doesn't change tonight; even as we see their first performance on the air, they're constantly interrupted by their own interviews talking about how huge they want to be. Obviously the editors are saying, "Don't hold your breath." In fact, I think this is the first time we've really even been allowed to see how many of them there are (three, for the record). After their mash-up of "Let's Dance" and something else, Paula and Pharrell seem to agree that Illusion Confusion's ambition seems to outstrip its ability. Well, hence the name.
Back to Chez Scherzinger, where wedding DJ Tiger Budbill is about to sing for Nicole and Enrique. Work's scarce for him lately, but fortunately he was able to put off the auction of his house for a few months. He interviews about how Nicole's house is the kind of home he dreams of, choking up as he imagines his wife, daughter, 83-year-old mother and imaginary newborn baby living in a place like this. Like if he loses the competition, he's angling for Nicole to invite the whole growing Budbill clan to come stay with her for a few years. The song Nicole picked for him is all about begging for another chance, which obviously he connects with pretty well. He actually does the best I've seen him do, and both Nicole and Enrique are impressed. Nicole's worried about whether people would buy his records, and Enrique says there are no rules; anyone can make it with the right song, even if they have a big hairy mole on their face. Not that he says that last part.
In the Hamptons, it's Marcus Canty's turn. He's the kid whose mom gave him two years to make it as a singer. Let's hope that time doesn't run out in the middle of his audition for L.A. and Rihanna, lest his mom show up and drag him off by his ear. Unlike his first audition, where he did a lot of dancing around, this is relatively sedate and quiet, perched on a stool, aside from a somewhat silly singing-face in the middle and getting to his feet toward the end for the big finish. Rihanna's really impressed, and on the side yard, Marcus tells Steve he feels good about how he did. Rihanna isn't entirely convinced Marcus is a star, but seems willing to be convinced, especially after he made so much eye contact with her she had to look away. If only this were a staring contest.
Tiah Tolliver, the 20-year-old deli clerk, is about to sing for Simon, and we're reminded of her first audition, where her singing had more keys than a high school janitor, but Simon threw a conniption until he got his way and she made it to Boot Camp. Obviously Tiah's glad to have Simon as her mentor, since he's the only one who likes her. Even so, she's getting nervous, freaking out over the wind to the point where even 14-year-old Drew is like, "Grow up, girlfriend." Obviously Simon's happy to see her when she presents herself on his pool deck for the formality of her audition. She could get one of her stiletto heels stuck between the slats and still stay in it, I'd wager. It's certainly not a great performance, at least from what I can tell by the parts that aren't drowned out by her backing track. Simon claps and chuckles like the proud creepy dad he is, an his flunkies gather around to go out of their way not to disagree with him any more than they absolutely have to.
Oh, I've been dreading this Christa Collins chick. She's the 32-year-old who apparently lives every day of her life on an imaginary stage, and when we learn that she was the first child solo artist signed to Disney Records, it explains a lot. She even claims to have been the prototype for Britney and Christina. Then she retired at 16, which she now says is "the worst mistake of my life." So now she's back, at twice that age. At least she's not wearing a big dramatic hat as she sings for Nicole and Enrique, but the giant red button with the feather on it stuck to her head makes up for it. As she sings, she slowly advances on Nicole and Enrique, tipping over the mic stand as she goes. Then she gives a big emotional speech about this being her big second chance. Enrique liked her, but Nicole would have liked to see some actual emotion in the performance. And people in Hell want ice water. Christa's about as authentic as a three-dollar bill made of Legos.
Back to Villa Abdul, where the second Frankengroup is about to hurl itself on the rocks of futility. This would be "Intensity," the shambling monstrosity created when ten random losers were crammed into one sprawling group, ranging in age from 13 to 17. Well, points for bucking the trend and not calling themselves "In10sity," I guess. As night begins to fall in Santa Barbara, they also do a mashup, of "That's Not My Name" and "You Make My Dreams," I guess because Paula hates kids. The acquit themselves surprisingly well, considering they only sang together for the first time a couple of days ago. Then they all run up to Paula and beg for hugs. Pharrell says they were like a cookie with "star morsels." Is that another crack at Emily from "Ausem?" Hasn't that poor girl suffered enough rejection already?
Chris Rene is up at L.A.'s house, and we flash back to his first audition, where he announced that he'd been out of rehab for 70 days, and got through by singing his original song "Young Homie" and promising the judges that he'd stay off the drugs. There's a totally staged clip of him carrying trash out of a pickup truck and dumping it in a dumpster marked "GARBAGE" at the dump, and some rather more believable clips of him with his toddler son. Finally he gets to sing "Everyday People" by Arrested Development for L.A. and Rihanna. I'd rate L.A.'s appreciative head-waggling for this one at about a seven. After he leaves the deck, L.A. tells Rihanna that Chris is "one of the special ones," but he suspects that she intimidated him a bit. Rihanna blames L.A. as if Chris isn't totally used to singing to him by now.
Only one left to go. Melanie Amaro, who blew the judges away with her performance of Beyonce's "Listen" at her first audition, is about to sing for Simon. She interviews about her supportive, huge family, and heads out to Simon's pool deck to sing "Carry Me There" by Michael Jackson. She does a great job, and the camera, tired of waiting for a reaction from the perpetually stone-faced Simon, zooms in on a tree instead as she wraps it up. But once she's away, Simon feigns a collapse on his couch. As his flunkies converge on him, Simon says he got that look from Melanie that people give him when they're daring him to write them off. Probably not much danger of that. But, after the break? We get to watch the judges making decisions, probably edited in such a way as to give nothing away until Tuesday's episode. Which I'm writing about on a Sunday. Did the earth's poles reverse or something?
So that was 32, counting the ones from Thursday's episode, so now the judges and their guests each have to spend the evening narrowing down their eight acts down to four. The editing jumps around between all four judges and their guests, and shots of acts performing and telling the camera how much they want it. The judges eliminate people without any of the editing letting us know who they are. So there was a whole long sequence to amp up drama and suspense without actually telling us anything.
And then, after all that deciding, Steve tells us, "This Tuesday, it's decision time!" By which he actually means the acts -- and, more importantly, we -- will find out who's in and who's out. But don't be fooled by who we see crying in the previews, because I've been burned on that before. Well, "burned" is a strong word. "Warmed," maybe.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.