After previouslies and previews jam-packed with stuff you already know, and another long shot of Paula crying (this time holding someone that I'm a little worried is Dexter Haygood), It's Time To Face The Music. Which is one of those phrases like "out of this world" that's so overused as a pun it's completely lost its original meaning. Actually, was there an original meaning?
Oh, after the title sequence, even more recaps. Top 162 to top 100 last night, top 32 tonight, four categories, judges, judges become mentors, judges become party hosts at their homes. You know all this. We keep seeing choreographer Brian telling everyone, "Let's kill it!" Yes, let's. A bunch of competitors complain about how hard Boot Camp is, and we're reminded that last night, the top 100 were thrown together into groups to perform one song together each. And there are five of those groups left. Seriously? Last night wasn't all of them? Is this happening? Am I in recapper Boot Camp?
Tonight's first group is hot guy Brennin Hunt, a group called Equality (I'm amazed there's a group in this bunch who can still spell), Marcus Canty of the two-year window, some people named Matthew Johnson and Ma'at Bingham Shango, and the two Rene siblings, Chris and Gina. Their song is "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye, and they couldn't be happier about it. We're reintroduced to Marcus Canty and the Renes, "who are both here as soloists," Steve feels it necessary to remind us. Today is Chris's 94th day of sobriety, and I'm sure all the pressure of the competition is doing wonders for him. But at least his sister's there for him. We see part of her first audition for the first time, where she did some decent rapping but L.A. said she needed more conviction. She can't borrow some of her brother's? After five hours of rehearsal, they're ready to go onstage. They all head out and pose motionless on the risers, then go into this totally contrived mass greeting as soon as the backing track starts up. Ma'at, the 12-year-old girl, takes the first solo while everyone else provides backing "oohs" The solo baton is passed, and most of them do really well, particularly Marcus Canty and Chris Rene and Brennin Hunt. The judges are totally into it, and it ends up with everyone singing together on the very edge of the stage like they've been a group all along. "We got a star here," Paula says after they've left the stage, although she doesn't say who. Just one? Simon was impressed with Marcus, but of someone else, he decrees, "She's gotta go." He's referring to either a 12-year-old girl or a freshly sober guy's support system when he says this, mind you.
After the ads, we see quick clips of one group singing "Kids in America" and another singing "I'm Every Woman." Is that it for those two groups? There must not be anyone we know in them, and honestly I'm fine with fast-forwarding through some of these. The group consists of Mathew Slovacek, Tim Cifers, Hannah Bethel, Thomas Wells, Jeremy Easley, and a duo named Kingsley who are either twins or just creepily similar-looking. Never heard of any of them. Turns out they must be the country crowd, since they're singing "I Won't Let Go" by Rascal Flatts. We belatedly meet Tim Cifers ,who's a 29-year-old beer distributor with two small kids. We also meet Kingston, who, upon closer examination, may just be two guys who share a name, hair, and face. Hannah Bethel says singing is where she's in her element, Tim talks about doing what he has to do, and now that we've backloaded a bunch of exposition about them, they're ready to start. They'll be taking the stage one by one during their performance. Tim starts out alone, singing the first verse, and he's joined in turn by Mathew, Kingston, Hannah, and the rest, all of whom get solos until they sing the last line in harmony. That was quite nice, actually. The judges seem most impressed with Tim. "I don't know if he's a star, but he's a great singer," L.A. says, rather tellingly if you ask me.
Only one group left to go, hot damn. It's the Brewer Boys, the shaggy crooners; and then a bunch of unfamiliar people named Henri Bredouw, James Douglas, Emma Henry, Hanna Jackson, Ryan Simms, Kyle Corr, and Christa Collins. Christa seems to be all about her costumes, but she says she wants to go out and earn it. We learn to our lack of surprise that the Brewer Boys are in fact brothers, Nathan and Justin, 13 and 17. 16-year-old Emma and 31-year-old Hannah both want section three of the song and flip a coin for it in a way that we don't know who won. After some more interview clips, during which they all stand frozen on the stage through the intro of Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" (Snow Patrol again? Is this show a spinoff of Grey's Anatomy or something?), Henri Bredouw kicks off the song. Or stumbles it off, more like. Then it looks like it doesn't matter who won the coin toss, because Emma and Hannah both stink up the place, leaving the Brewer Boys to save it. Ryan Sims does well with a rather jarring key change, and then Christa Collins drags it back down again before the big group sing right at the end. Aannd we're done. See you week!
Wait, we're not done? Okay, fine. After Steve and the editors do what they can to pump up suspense, it's time for the judges to deliberate while the contestants worry. The judges sort through the headshots pretty quickly, and Steve tells us, "All that's left to do now is tell the acts." And then we'll be done?
Again, it's three groups of hopefuls who are brought out onstage to stand on the firing line. The first group includes Emma Henry, Reina Whatsherface, and a bunch of people I barely remember, if at all. Paula gives them a long speech before saying, "Although you did a wonderful job, I'm sorry to say it ends tonight." Most of them keep it together at least until they get off the stage and have to do the walk of shame up the aisle past the judges. But once they're in the lobby, it's a little less quiet. Reina rants that maybe she's just too talented (that's not it).
The batch might be on the line. It includes Siameze, Tiah Tolliver, Chris Rene, Nick Voss, Tora Whatchamathingy, and a bunch of randoms. Nicole's the one who breaks the news this time, congratulating them on making it this far, "But I have to be honest and speak from my heart. You've made it through to the round." Oh, Nicole. Sure, now we see some yelling, and about half the people there take a dive onto the stage before joining the celebration out in the lobby.
Third group: Simon says it was an easy decision: "It's not good news." But Stacy Francis! Melanie Whatsername! Simon finishes, "It's great news." The Brewer Boys and Christa Collins and Nick Dean made it too, as did both Renes. Tiger Budbill makes a tearful call home to say he's in. "That was the call I wanted to make," he tells us. As loud as he sings, I'm surprised he needed a phone.
So after the ads (still not done, I guess), Steve tells us that the remaining 64 acts are about to learn what comes . Simon starts by telling them all that half of them will be gone after tomorrow. But tonight, they'll be given 35 songs. Wow, that's a lot of singing! Oh, no, they only have to pick one each. Simon and L.A. give them a pep talk, and Simon adds that when they come back to do their songs tomorrow, there'll be three thousand people in the audience. Where is he finding these audiences? Instead of explaining that, Steve explains the stages of the competition, which you and I already know about so I'm not going over all of it again.
day, and a montage of early-morning preparations and a day of rehearsal with the vocal coaches, choreographers, and musicians. Crowds start forming outside, and the audience fills the place so the judges can make yet another big entrance. Surprisingly, though, they tone it down this time.
Rachel Crow, the sassy 14-year-old, is going first, and she's a bit too nervous to be sassy again, at least until she gets back out on the stage. She tells Simon her song tonight is "a surprise." But it's actually "If I Were a Boy," accompanied by one live pianist. She blows the whole place away, and moves Nicole to tears, singing like a woman thrice her age. Steve tells us the judges will be keeping their comments to themselves in this round, but we hear Simon say to L.A., "She's getting better." And she was good to begin with. She hugs her mom backstage. Family gets to come to this? That's a nice bonus for the people lucky enough to have family handy.
Audrey Turner sings "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," which seems a little on the nose for her, but she ends up pouring her heart out on her knees. Paige Ogle sings "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. Tiger Budbill adds a guitar to his backing ensemble for a slow, soulful version of "Billie Jean." Yes, really. He also interviews that his house is getting auctioned off in five weeks. He knows he won't have the check by then, right? Burrito Guy Josh, who finally admits he's also been a musician his whole life and didn't grow up dreaming of the burrito life, is . "The only way to win is to not lose today," he says backstage. And all the other days, don't forget. Up on stage, he gives a whole speech about how he doesn't want to go back to burritos and empty nightclubs, and he wants the audience to remember this performance forever. Simon titters at the sheer cheek of him, then says, "I like that." He's doing a song by Kelly Clarkson, of all people, namely "Up to the Mountain." Unsurprisingly, he sounds fantastic, and may even have lost a little weight. I'm starting to suspect that he's only in this competition for the makeover, though. That's where his situation seems most desperate, if you ask me. He exits up the aisle, gladhanding audience members and leaving a trail of grime the whole way.
Time for 22-year-old Simone Battle, who I barely remember. She sang "When I Grow Up" by Pussycat Dolls at auditions and impressed Simon with her hot pants. Then in her interview she uses the term "fierce" twice, and I'm reminded all over again. Out on stage, she gives a speech while a cameraman does a slow, close zoom up her bare legs, and she's singing "Your Song" by Elton John. Except it's an angry version, and it's the version about completely forgetting the words, which she is writing on the fly. Yikes. She acts like she meant to do that, while judges and members of the audience look on in undisguised horror. By the time the pianist takes pity on everyone in the room and stops playing, Simon's unable to keep quiet, and tells her she didn't remember a single word. She says she was trying to do something different and promises she can "bring it." At least she holds it together emotionally until she gets backstage. And the worst part? Nicole says that's the best she ever heard Simone sing.
It also doesn't go well for 4Shore, who can't pull off complicated harmonies this fast and try to make up for it by having their lead singer walk off the stage and finish in the judges' faces. Little Ladiez (who!?) blow what may or may not be "Ain't No Sunshine" while taking their jackets off. Makenna & Brock essay a country/blues version of "Billie Jean" that divides the judges (with Simon on the no side). Siameze, whose borrowed time is racking up compound interest at an alarming rate, screeches "Creep," inducing visible headaches. "Everything about it was...not...right," Paula says, somehow being inarticulate and totally nailing it at the same time. So with all these people trying and failing to do unique versions of their songs, by the time Brennin Hunt comes out and says of his Alicia Keys song, "I can guarantee you've never heard it like this," Simon's eyes narrow with hate until they're parallel with his hair. Simon rudely calls L.A. over to complain to him while Brennin's still singing, and even more rudely calls a halt, asking why he wouldn't sing with just a piano. Brennin says he wanted to think outside the box, and he's dismissed from the stage. Simon is starting to get very cranky, which gathers a crowd of production people to listen to him complain about "weirdo versions." He decides it's time for a break, so might as well put a commercial here, I guess.
Then the Stereo Hogzz are up, but not before we do a whole package on them so we know they'll do well. They're all dressed up for this performance, and they interview how there's five million dollars and five of them. Must be fate. Flashback to their first performance in Dallas where they earned four yeses (that's 1.25 yeses per Stereo Hog, in case you're keeping track). Simon's back at the table as they take the stage. "Anything you want to tell us?" Simon asks warningly, but the one who just had a baby just says he's dedicating their performance to his daughter, now one-month-old. Like she gives a shit. They do a tango version of "Cry Me a River" with some amusing choreography. Most of the judges loved it, but Simon is still grouchy, calling them inconsistent.
String of boys' performances: Brian "Stop Looking at my Moms" Bradley, hipster-cheeseball Philip Lomax, Chris Rene, and Nick Dean. Let's keep it moving.
is Stacy Francis, who still has those waves of desperation coming off of her like waves of burrito smell off Josh. She aced the first audition, then hijacked Boot Camp with one note last night. She's feeling the pressure, but when is she not? When she's out on stage, L.A. invites her to share something about herself. Which is already a cue for more of her unique brand of misery-porn given what we already know about her, but then she breaks the news that her father died on the first day of Boot Camp. Paula looks at Simon like, "Jesus." So there's a new interview with her all about her sadness and guilt over missing her dad's funeral. What is with this woman? I can't wait until a live show when she reveals that scientists have just discovered a meteor on an unstoppable collision course with her. Her song tonight is "Summertime." She manages to not overdo it, putting in lots of notes and holding off on the really long ones until the very end. Standing ovation from the audience and 75% of the judges. Simon's still in a mood, clearly. As L.A. tells Simon that was deep pain they just saw, Stacy heads up the aisle, out the door, and right into Steve's arms. So that was pretty cathartic for her.
After the ads, it's a short run of Simon's little girlfriends. Tiah Tolliver is up, aware that it might be her last performance. But she's got the bangs back, so she might be okay. Cari Fletcher (she's still there?) sings dressed like Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember and does okay. Drew Ryniewicz, who I'm not pinning on Simon because she's 14, does very well. Caitlin Koch comes out in a slinky minidress and does "Cry Me a River" while Simon watches her in a way that screams out for a hand-check.
Then it's Leroy Bell, 59, who interviews about how he got into the competition because he didn't want to get old and bitter not following his dream. Well, bitter. The audience (and the judges again) marvel at how good he looks for his age. We never see him without his hat, though, which for all we know conceals a tiny, white-haired puppeteer. After he sings well yet again, that's the last of the top 64, and we're out.
No we're not, dammit! Steve and the onscreen text tell us, "After The Break," the final 32 will be named. And then we'll be done, right?
It's the morning, and the last day of Boot Camp, when everyone finds out if they're going to the judges' houses, and people are pretty stressed about it. Like Symphony Howlett. Who the hell is Symphony Howlett, and how are we still meeting new people at this stage? And then there's poor, homeless Dexter Haygood, who is desperate for this big chance. A little tasteless to cut from that to each of the judges being caravanned to the auditorium in the back of his or her own personal SUV. Give one of those things to Dexter, damn! He needs a bigger vehicle to live in! Simon says he's been dreading today, because he knows he's going to have to fight for those of his favorites who no one else likes. Or he could just defer to other people's opinion once or twice? Ha ha, I crack myself up.
Once again, we're reminded that there are going to be four categories that each act will fit into, and the top eight from each category will go home with the judges. Steve tells us that they still don't know which judge gets what category, so there's no stacking the deck. Simon wants to start by eliminating boys, and the first one he reaches for causes Nicole to gasp, "No!" "Here we go," Simon sighs, because he's the only one allowed to have favorites no one else likes. We hear a lot of negative comments over a montage that features Nick Voss, Brennin Hunt, Marcus Canty, some kid, and Skyelor Anderson. Moving onto the girls, Simon shocks everyone by holding up a photo of someone he used to like, although we don't see who she is. Simone Battle (who still expects to move on after last night's faceplant)? Paige Ogle? Drew Ryniewicz? Caitlin Koch? Rachel Crow? As for the groups, they like four or five of them, which is not good news considering they need eight. Are they talking about The Anser? Makenna & Brock? Stereo Stereo Hogzz? 4Shore? 2Squar'd? 10Shun? I made that last one up. Now for the over 30s, and Paula is refusing to take her hands off the photo of one person Simon wants to cut. It gets a little contentious over this category, with Simon calling Paula a hypocrite until she's finally overruled.
Coming up on time to break the news. Again, they're going up in groups, but they're separated by their categories this time instead of into winners and losers. "Only eight names per category will be called out," Steve says. "For those who don't hear their name, their dream ends today." And they'll be sent home with mandatory psychoactive drugs to make sure they don't do any unauthorized dreaming.
The "girls" go in first, in a category that includes all solo females up to age 30 and whose name still makes me feel creepy. They slowly announce names: Caitlin Koch, that tattooed mechanic chick Tora, Simone Battle (WTF?), Drew Ryniewicz (the youngest so far), Rachel Crow (no shock), Jazzlyn Little (she's shocked), Melanie Amaro (whose so shocked she can barely get off the stage). It falls to Simon to announce the name of the last person, and it's Tiah Tolliver. So the people who are done include Paige Ogle, Cari Fletcher, Ma'at, Carmen...? Caroline? I'm sorry, I'm just making up names at this point. They all cry the same anyway. And by this time tomorrow, any one of them who has a brain in her head is going to be pretty cheesed off about losing to Simone Fucking Battle.
Boys : Brennin Hunt, who didn't even get to finish last night; Brian Bradley, who looks happy enough that he might even let you look at his mom; Skyelor Anderson; Nick Voss; Tim Cifers, who we just met tonight; Philip Lomax, who will live to cheese another day, and Marcus Canty. One slot left, and it's no shock that it goes to Chris Rene. So that's it for Nick Dean, Clayton Whosits, and a crying boy whose attempt to win favor by wearing a backwards baseball cap just comes off a little sad and desperate at this point.
Time for the groups. Going on are the Stereo Stereo Hogzz, 2Squar'd, 4Shore, the Brewer Boys, and Illusion Confusion (who I'm not convinced we've even heard yet). I'm only counting five, but Simon says there's one place left, and it's going to the Answer. Hard cheese for Kingston, and Makenna & Brock. He's never going to tap that now.
Finally, the Over 30s. Of course they save the real career-killing for last. Elaine Gibbs, the grandmother, is named first. Also Tiger Budbill, who's going to miss the auction of his house if he doesn't lose soon. Leroy Bell's also in. Everyone's getting hugs from everyone in this category. They step right out of line, they don't give a shit. They either stay in the competition or they go straight to the nursing home. Then there's James Kenny, who I think we just met last night. The judges are really drawing this one out. Josh the Burrito Guy gets through, and I don't think he'll even be expected to pick up tortillas on his way to his judge's house. Christa Collins also goes through, and she collapses as theatrically as she dresses. Out in the lobby, Steve almost literally fingerpaints with her eyeliner. Dexter Haygood is also through, so that's another person's house he's going to be staying at. Both he and Paula break down in sobs, and L.A. tells Dexter, "You always thought it was over, and it's tie to start believing. He and Paula hug and cry, and I'm 93.% sure he was the guy she saved. So who gets the last slot? The stage still holds Audrey Turner, Siameze, and Gina Rene, but it goes to Stacy Francis, who's going to completely dehydrate if she doesn't stop crying like this all the time. The Over 30 losers have to pick her up off the stage so she can make it back to the lobby and cry into Steve's shirt. Now I see why he's wearing the plaid today. L.A. tells Gina that her brother made it, and she marvels to Steve, "He's gonna do it." Josh tells us this is great, but he needs to go to the end. Or at least be the guy whose exit shocks everyone and then he gets a career out of it anyway. James Kenny tells his cell phone, "Daddy did a good job singing, so he's gonna be on TV singing a little bit more, is that cool?" Sounds like it is. Aww.
"So that's it," Steve narrates. Thank God. "Or is it?" Yes! Yes, Steve, it is! No, I guess not. Fuck you, Steve. The losers are just leaving the building when the judges summon 14 of the boys and girls back for some reason. They're assembled in a hallway with their eyes rolling in confusion like cattle in a slaughterhouse chute, until finally they're disgorged onto the stage. The judges divide them into two groups and explain that they sometimes cast solo artists in groups. Simon says that some of them, in groups, could have blown away the competition, but they didn't come in that way. "But now," he announces, "you are in the Groups category." So most of the rejected boys and girls are back in the competition, filling out those open Group spots. Obviously they're thrilled, but now Brock is absolutely never going to tap that. And for people like Cari Fletcher and Paige Ogle, this has to take some of the sting out of losing to Simone Fucking Battle.
The people still in it all unite outside the theater happily, while the judges' SUVs drive past, Simon sticking an upraised thumb out the window at them. Yay! Happy! We made it! All done!
What? "After the break?" Oh, come on.
Steve returns one last time to remind us that thousands have been narrowed down to 32, eight in each of the four categories. Judges become mentors, blah blah blah. Three days after Boot Camp, the "producers" meet in a conference room behind half-open blinds to assign categories to the judges. Steve tells us they're just about ready to call L.A. in New York, Paula and Nicole in Los Angeles, and Simon "on vacation in the south of France," who is chillaxing on a giant yacht which he totally owns.
We see them all sitting in their respective locations, just waiting for their phones to ring in front of the cameras, talking to us about the different categories and which ones they think they'll end up with. Simon boasts, "It's not a question of who I'm happy with, it's a question of making other people happy knowing they've got me." L.A. is confident of his chances of winning regardless of his category. They're all edited to get their calls at the same time, but Nicole gets the news first: she'll be mentoring the Over 30s. She works really hard to seem happy about it, and maybe oversells it a little. "You didn't say Girls, did you?" she double-checks. They didn't. L.A. is getting the Boys. "I think I just won," he says, and wonders aloud who Simon got. Paula is getting the Groups. She's screwed and she knows it. When Simon gets his call, he grumps, "Just tell me who I've got, please." He's got the Girls. "You just made eight girls very, very happy," he tells the producer. Simon at his house with eight girls? Who thought that was a good idea?
After hanging up, he wonders who got the Groups. "Not me," he shrugs. L.A. still wants to know who Simon got. Nicole calls Paula right away, and Simon somehow got the word of Paula's assignment too, which he says makes sense. "If you think about it, a group's got multiple personalities, and they've got Paula Abdul as their mentor. Work it out." I'm trying, but my fingers are sore from how tightly Simon held my hand up to that point. L.A. calls Nicole and Simon, the latter of whom he tells, "You just met your match, so all the best to you." He signs off as they both laugh. Simon tells us that the judges are all in competition right now, working with their contestants. "If they win, you win. Nobody wants to lose." So they don't have anything at stake but bragging right? Or do they get a chunk of the five mil? Ha ha, what a stupid question.
week, the people still in it travel around the world to "Judges Homes" [sic], where they'll compete for spots on the live shows. "32 become 16," Steve says, and a lot of people are going to get pretty emotional about it, looks like. But we saw a lot of people crying in last night's previews for tonight who are still in it, so I'm not getting too worked up. Does anybody really think one of these people is worth five million dollars? Actually, I do. I think they all are. Especially if you combine them and add up the total.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.