Putting the "Camp" in "Boot Camp"

S01E05

On to choreography. Brian Friedman, resplendent today in a feathered vest, says he's not choreographing, but helping them with whatever choreography they want to come up with. We flash back to Drew's first audition with the Justin Bieber song in Seattle, which explains why she doesn't know Radiohead. The Anser are pretty nervous, and Dexter Haygood is trying to remember the words. Flashback to his audition in Dallas, where he nearly got nixed for being a James Brown copycat. Brian isn't impressed with Dexter's moves like Jagger either. As for Audrey Turner, she's eager to prove herself as the 52-year-old former wife of the late Ike Turner. Wait, what? And this is the first we've heard of her on this show? After five hours of prep, the Wagnerian chorus chimes in as the judges return to the auditorium, where all seven groups will shortly be singing. Dexter has a tear rolling down his cheek as he interviews that this is all he is. Drew feels the same way, but it's less poignant coming from a 14-year-old Justin Bieber fan than from a 49-year-old homeless dude. Anyway, they're all feeling the pressure. Except Clayton Renne. Nobody cares about him.

The group performance starts with everyone split in half across the stage, except Drew in the center. It sounds like she comes in too early, but that could just be the editing. She solos on most of the first verse, starting a little too big with nowhere much left to go, and Dexter comes in on the "I wish I was special" line and takes it through a couple lines of the chorus. He nearly drives the song into the ditch, but The Anser pulls it out for the end of the chorus. Then it's Audrey's turn on the bridge, and whoa, she can sing. Elaine Gibbs belts the second verse where it normally gets quiet, and then Caitlin finishes it up. Finally everyone unites center stage as she sings the changed last line, "But we belong here." Not bad at all. The judges liked it too, but they disagree on whether Audrey or Dexter was the weak link. My vote would be Clayton, actually, since we never heard a word out of him.

Time to meet the group: Jazzlyn Little, who was the last auditioner we saw last week; Melanie Amaro, who killed that Beyonce song; someone named Heather Gale; hat/hair guy Aaron Surgeon; Arin Ray, who I barely remember, if at all; and poor, desperate Stacy Francis. Their vocal coach tells them he wants them to seem like they've been singing together for fifteen years. Replay of Stacy Francis's glory note from yesterday, which combined with the iteration take up three years right there, and she tells the vocal coach she wants to fix it. The coach just says to make it believable. We're reminded of how nervous and shy Jazzlyn was until she blew away the audition audience, and apparently she still feels that way. Choreographer Brian tries to help them while waiting for Melanie to finish making suggestions for the vocal arrangement, and after another reminder of Stacy Francis's desperation, they're on. Their song is U2's "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," a slow arrangement that renders the song unrecognizable if you don't speak English. Or even if you do, because Jazzlyn blows the lyrics on the opening lines. It picks up and gets a little funky as Stacy takes it through the first chorus, and I will say that even if she's not too old to be doing this, she is probably too old for that pink micro-mini. Then Melanie takes over for the second verse, and everyone sings together for the chorus, which I thought all the groups would do rather than just breaking it up into sections like the first group did. Afterwards, Jazzlyin is crying about having let her team down, which they unanimously assure her she didn't. I agree that she did sing the wrong words really well.

The judges march in after keeping everyone waiting on the stage, but the contestants all seem happy to see them again anyway. Or at least know they'd better pretend. L.A. and Simon greet them, and Steve informs us that only 100 of the 162 will make it through this first day. Actually he says "survive," like once they walk out of the theater they're going to be shot. Which, for all I know...

There is suddenly a scrum of other people, professional types, around the judges' table, all of whom Simon says he wants to hear from. They including vocal coaches, a stylist and a choreographer. This last person is Brian Friedman, and he's going to start putting them through their paces. Montage of them learning a Miss America-type routine to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal", which is easier for some than for others, as Simon justifies for us why dancing is important in a singing competition. Brian Bradley, the "Stop Looking at My Moms" kid, is sitting it out, saying Jay-Z doesn't dance. Well, kid, when you're Jay-Z, you won't have to either. So now that they've wasted everyone's time and tired them out learning a dance routine, it's time for people to come out and sing a song they've prepared. They'll come out in groups of ten, and will step forward one by one. Up first is splits-monster Siameze, who's incongruously singing "More than a Feeling," which really doesn't showcase his voice too well. Quick clips of nerd-band trio The Anser, 4Shore, Tiger the wedding DJ, a string of blondes, Chris Rene's sister, sassy tween Rachel Crow (still sassy!), Simon's former crush Tora (he's not impressed with her song choice), that one Renfaire chick, Marcus Canty, the upsettingly hot Brennin Hunt, über-dork J. Mark and The Brewer Boys, none of whom seem to be impressing the judges all that much. But at least none of them are Brendan O'Hara, who forgets the words to "Halo" and is summarily dismissed back to the line. Chris Rene and Melanie Amaro do well again, and Stacy Francis holds a note about eight times longer than it needs to be and is told "Less is more." In that case, a lot more.

With that over, it's time to start cutting. The auditioners are brought out in three large groups, which is also totally unlike any other show because they do this on the stage instead of in a green room. But anyway, Paula draws out the suspense for a group that includes Stacy Francis, Brian Bradley and the burrito guy before telling them they're all through to the round. If I were in this competition, I would be staying very close to Burrito Guy. Yes, he smells like burritos, and looks like he smells like burritos, but fortunately I like burritos. Now this group can go have their emotional reactions in the lobby. The group includes Brendan O'Hara and a lot of people we've never seen before, so L.A. wastes little time saying, "I'm sorry but we're going to have to send you home." One pathetic kid begs for another chance. Simon says they have to get better, but then he gets up to meet him as he climbs down off the stage and try to buck him up a little. J. Mark, however, has a total meltdown, shrieking, "I don't have a life! I don't have a life!" But what about the math and philosophy in Europe? Don't tell me that was bullshit?

One last group is left, which includes Chris Rene and the Dexter Haygood the homeless Memphis guy, and they're all invited back tomorrow. Simon cues the entrance of the first group of yeses, who flood down the aisles for a big mega-mingle. Chris Rene is looking for his sister in that group, and Paula gets way too much pleasure out of watching him search. Lucky for Paula he finds her. Simon stands up and says one of these remaining people will be leaving the competition with five million dollars, and the judges are throwing them a party. It's ostensibly a cocktail-slash-hot-tub party, but I suspect it's actually a test to see who's responsible and goes to bed early, and who stays up late partying. For now, the latter seem to be a strong majority.

Sure enough, at six the morning, crew members are banging on hotel room doors and giving them five minutes to get to the lobby. Once they've been driven from the hotel to the venue, L.A. tells then their challenge begins now. They're going to be put into groups and given a few hours to prepare a song, but they'll have the help of some of the aforementioned industry people. Or "help," as the case may be.

So then the groups are formed (whether internally or top-down isn't made clear), and each group is given a song chosen by the judges. They'll have five hours to prep, and a third of the groups will be sent home. So, the first group includes blondes Drew Ryniewicz and Caitlin Koch, The Answer, Audrey Turner (I don't remember her), belter/grandmother Elaine Gibbs, some nerdy kid named Clayton Senne, and Dexter Haygood. Well, they should mesh well. Their song? "Creep," by Radiohead. Even better. J. Mark would have a meltdown all over again. Not everyone in the group has heard it, which is a little worrying.

The group is pretty blonde-heavy, composed of Dani Knights (don't know her), teenage country singer Skyelor Anderson, 59-year-old Dorian Gray imitator Leroy Bell, Chelsea Musick (oh, just give it to her now, for God's sake, with that name), Ben Rue (I may or may not remember him), Paige Ogle and Cari Fletcher. Steve reminds us that Cari got "mixed reviews," which is a polite way of saying Simon thought she was cute but boring. We're about to see how they do on "Desperado," a song that is older than the median age of this group. Dani interviews that she wants to be a country star with her God-given talent, so we'll see how that works out. They all pose together on risers and keep getting interviewed in clips through the first part of the song, and we pick up on Paige Ogle singing. Leroy's voice sounds great other than a few pitch issues, and then Dani gets up and walks away with the song, almost literally. There's a weird edit, and then Cari and Skyelor each sing a few lines like today was the first time they heard it, which it probably was. Once they're offstage, most of the judges liked Dani the most, but Simon's favorite was Paige. Her last name's Ogle, how can she not be? It's like an invitation right there. There were also singers in that group they didn't like, but we're not getting any names yet.

The group only has one person we've ever seen before: Brian Bradley, the "Stop Looking at My Moms" kid, who's stuck with unknowns Tinuke Oyefule, Jennifay Joy Nichols, Lauren Ashley and Tatiana "Reina" Williams. Obviously he's happy they've been given a Jay-Z song, "Wishing on a Star," and we see him rapping for the vocal coach, while the ladies beatbox. The coach tells him to stay invested in the song even when he's not performing, which is good advice, although I'm not entirely surprised the kid needs it. Other people in the group are not rappers, and it shows. Also, there's a D-bag trio in this group Steve didn't even bother to mention. But Reina seems to be stepping up to the rapping. And indeed, when they perform and it starts to look like it's Brian's number; Reina totally upstages him by both singing and rapping in her dude-voice while he forgets words. Lauren Ashley, whoever she is, seems unable to stay on one note for the second chorus, and then Jennifay Joy Nichols treats the judges to the spectacle of a girl in a sundress and cowboy boots attempting to rap. Actually, that's probably the best outfit she could have worn for this; it's like shouting "I DON'T RAP" without actually having to say it. Once they're done, the judges don't seem entirely impressed, but they all agree that Brian's not ready for the big time yet.

group: Burrito guy Josh Krajcik, yelly wedding DJ Tiger Budbill, boy-band wannabe Nick Dean, an R&B group called Kompl3te (they must be st0ppt), some kid named Andrew Muccitelli, and James Kenney and Thomas McAbee, whoever they are. This singing sausage party will be doing "Superman" by Five for Fighting. They work with the choreographer and the vocal coach, and we're reminded of how Josh blew the judges away while Tiger got a no from L.A. at his first audition, where it seemed like Simon said yes to him just to piss L.A. off. Montage of all of them talking about how determined they are, and we join the song in progress. Nick Dean demonstrates that at as a singer, he's not bad looking. James Kenney turns out to have a decent, throaty white-boy voice. Tiger sings a bit, only doing well on the loud part, and then Josh unsurprisingly steals the whole thing with the last chorus, which ends on everyone singing the last note in harmony. The judges seem to have formed more positive opinions on Tiger, at least.

Now we have a group made up of hipster-cheeseball Philip Lomax; Tiah Tolliver, the one Simon threw a conniption over last week; Chesi Spriggs and Robert Cruz, who I don't know; Kelly Warner, the chick who looks like an aerobics instructor in a 1980s teen comedy; Austin Simmons, who at least looks familiar with his tats and bleached hair, and Nick Voss, whose Elvis/Vanilla Ice hair has gotten even bigger. We're introduced to Chesi by way of an interview in which she says she doesn't just sing, she performs, and then we get a reminder of how Tiah really only impressed Simon at her first audition. Tiah is determined to prove herself to the other judges. She's ditched the bangs for this, though, which I think it what Simon liked most about her, so she might be in trouble. The group takes the stage to sing "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone. It's clear that Nicole and Paula are still gunning for Tiah, but when it's her turn to sing, it's equally clear that they're impressed. Simon feels vindicated, and he's not quiet about it, either, even while they're still singing. Although after they've left the stage, he admits, "I've actually never felt so much anxiety over someone." Well, it's always nerve-wracking to ask someone out, Simon. The singers feel pretty good about their performance, and so do the judges. "How'd you get her on key?" L.A. asks the vocal coach. The backing track probably helped. "Aren't you glad you saved her?" says even Brian the choreographer. Paula admits as much.

How many more of these groups are left anyway? I thought Steve said there were seven, but I'm pretty sure I've written about thirteen so far. Anyway, we're up to Rachel Crow (sassy tween), cowboy Joshua Maddox, 4Shore (fix the name), Hayley Orrantia (drawing a blank here), group Illusion Confusion (all is forgiven, 4Shore!), and the previously unseen Caylie Gregorio, De'quan Allen and Ellona Santiago. Their song? "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. There's quite a bit of struggling in the vocal room, and the vocal coach even tells 4Shore not to harmonize. Which, I may have said something along those lines last week. Rachel Crow's a little out of her depth with this song, which the vocal coach admits is the toughest one of the bunch. Once they're out onstage and their song begins, it's soon obvious that if they have the hardest song, they also have the damn-cheesiest choreography. They don't make Glee kids do that stuff, for God's sake. Rachel almost pulls it out after all on her part, powering through some pitch issues, but the main 4Shore singer has more problems. As they leave the stage, Simon tells the others he wasn't expecting that. They don't seem too impressed with Ellona, however, probably because in an interview she's just so goddamn earnest. "I still have more to give," she maudlins. No thanks, we're good.

These guys have to be last, right? It's Siameze, someone named Jeremiah Pagan, a group called Song Preservation Society, a Cesar de la Rosa, duo McKenna and Brock, Stereo Hogzz and Emily Michalak. As they split up their song, someone asks, "Where's the guy with the onesie on?" Yes, that would be Siameze. We're reintroduced to McKenna and Brock, who are not dating even though Brock wants to. He interviews that they've been spending a lot of time together, and -- glory be! McKenna interviews that she's hoping there will be a relationship very soon. Although she could be talking about anyone. After a look at what seems like some chaotic rehearsal time, Emily Michalak, 12, is starting to freak out a bit. Her teammates buck her up, because what else are they going to do? They take the stage for a slow Snow Patrol song, as if there's any other kind. And it's soon clear why Emily was nervous: they gave her the big fat chorus. She does well with it, though, although it kind of falls apart as the group jumps in and passes it over to the Stereo Hoggz, who rescue it. Jeremiah Pagan turns out to be a high-voiced ringer, and the whole group finishes it up en masse, actually sounding pretty cool. As they leave the stage, Nicole asks Simon how many get ditched today, and he tells her, "About half." They're on the fence about Siameze and liked Emily, but Simon dismisses someone as a wannabe. Aren't they all?

Out of time for tonight, but tomorrow we get tons more drama and the final 32. How "final" is 32, though, really?

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.