Newark and Everywhere Else

S01E04

Paige Elizabeth Ogle is 18, and wants to take out Justin Bieber to make her place in the music industry. Hell, I'd do it for free. I don't know the song she sings [Note: "You and I" by Lady Gaga -- RS.], but she sings it well, and Simon says it's the easiest yes so far. And it's only one of four. is a young guy named Leroy Bell who turns out to be, no shit, 59. He sings "Lean on Me" a capella, really well and with a strong, soulful voice. Four yeses for him, too. The Brewer Boys, a shaggy-haired pair of 13- and 17-year-old brothers, croon a jazzy duet version of "Rhythm of Love," visibly surprising Simon and earning four yeses of their own. Nick Dean, 14, is a blond boy-band type whose "first single" is called "Walk Away" and is surprisingly rocking. He goes four-for-four as well.

Then it's time for Devon Talley, a faux-hawked 21-year-old store clerk who murders "Seasons of Love" from Rent Seriously, the cast of The Office sang it better. He keeps going even after Simon raises his hand, allowing the editors to have a little fun with the lyric "525,600 minutes" by playing it over and over. When he finally stops, he offers to sing another song, but when Simon, taking the piss, asks him to clarify the time period stated in the lyrics, Devon starts over again, blowing past their protests. Finally they all get to say no, with Nicole diplomatically saying, "I love how you brought us all together." Yes, against a common enemy .Paula says he's not quite there yet. "I don't know when you'll be there." Four nos for Devon, who tells Steve backstage that he won't stop. Yes, we've noticed that about him.

The trucks are back on the road, but we've got one more auditioner before we put this thing to bed. Jazzlyn Little is 16 years old and nervous as hell, freaking the fuck out backstage and in the cattle pens. Steve tells her to find her center before sending her up onstage, and out she goes. Simon asks her how she is, and when she says she's nervous because everyone's looking at her, he says, "That's why it's called a stage." Yes, but most people grow out of the stage you're still in, Simon. He asks her if she's on YouTube, and is unimpressed that she only got 500 hits, which she says is probably because people don't like her. "You're not selling yourself well here, Jazlynn," Simon obviouses. After the longest of long pauses, she finally gets to start singing "I'm Going Down" by Mary J, Blige. And if she's still nervous, you sure can't hear it any more. She's completely won over the judges and the audience by the chorus, and L.A. asks over the noise, "Wow, what happened?" She gets all the way to the end of her track and earns a huge standing ovation from the audience and three of the judges, although Simon does happily clap his hands over his head. When things calm down a bit, LA. says she has a superstar name to go with her superstar voice. Nicole says she was moved to tears, Paula calls her a star and a gem, and Simon says, "I'd love to see what you're like when you've got confidence." He says they made the show for people like her, who take music seriously and are willing to work, because he believes she could be a "world star." Four yeses, and as Nicole says, she'll have a lot more than 500 hits on YouTube after this. She's still blown away when she comes back and hugs her parents. "Simon clapped for me!" she marvels. "This just means more work, though." From the White Box, she vows that she'll make the judges proud.

Back from the ads, Steve wonders aloud if New Jersey can keep this up. , a fresh-faced, 80s-haired nursing home hairdresser named Kelly Warner sings "Hallelujah" and gets four yeses. Aaron Surgeon, 27, is all about the hair and the hat before he sings "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" and gets yeses from Paula and Nicole. Simon, unimpressed, says no, but L.A. thinks he has what it takes and gives him the third yes he needs to move on. Fast-forward montage of a few more successful auditioners, leading up to a 26-year-old RenFaire chick named Liliana Rose Andreano, who croons "You Are My Sunshine" a capella and does it quite well. Simon says she doesn't look like a pop star until she sings, Paula calls her "magical," and she's moving on, to her own amazement.

After that string of winners, we're past due for a freak. But I'm trying not to pre-judge Andy Silikovitz, a bespectacled gnome with a scraggly beard whose greatest ambitions are to be on MTV's Cribs and open for Billy Joel. He interviews that he doesn't think he's ever kissed a girl. He looks like he'd remember if he had, and he figures that if he wins, and gets all the money and the fame, the girls will follow. He's here with his elderly mom, and when he gets onstage and starts talking about himself, the fact that he's been single all his life elicits an "aww" from the audience. Simon goes down that path for a little longer than is really necessary, hinting to him that Paula is single as well. "Maybe," says Andy, because he's got some standards. He's going to sing "Hero" by Mariah Carey. Or try to, because it turns out that he's got a high, thin voice that wouldn't make it at karaoke night. Steve's squatting backstage to Andy's even smaller mother, who's smiling proudly at the monitors like she can't hear anything at all. The judges indulge him, letting him get through the first chorus before Paula signals a stop. The audience cheers for him, fully aware that they can do so without posing any danger whatsoever of his moving forward. L.A. gives him a no while giving him props for having a good time. Nicole thanks him for coming and also says no. Paula says pretty much the same thing, and Simon concludes that it's four nos, "But I think you're going to find it much easier with the chicks after this." The audience loudly agrees, Simon calls him down to set him up with Paula, and while Paula doesn't give him her number, she does give him a big hug. "Should have done 'My Way,'" he says to her. Yes, that was the problem.

The winning streak stays broken after the ads, with a squat 22-year-old guy growling "House of the Rising Sun" while Paula eats out of Simon's hand, just biding their time until they can shoot him down. we meet Clarissa Cheatham, a.k.a. "Cashmere," an office worker who is 27 but has the hair of a 47-year-old, so it's going to be tough to know which category to put her in. She goes out onstage and gets a pretty standard interview from the judges, until suddenly Simon gets the giggles for no apparent reason, which inevitably spreads to Paula. Simon gets Clarissa to talk about her experiences at karaoke, where people screamed and cheered for her. Then she tries to sing "Always Be My Baby," and before she even gets to the actual words, it's apparent she's awful. Which is not helping with Simon and Paula's giggles. Or those of the audience, for that matter. Paula puts a stop to it before the first chorus. Simon can't even keep a straight face as he says, "When you said that people [uncontrollable giggle] screamed [snort] after karaoke, I don't think that was a compliment [guffaws]." Nicole is the only one at the judges' table not laughing now. Poor Clarissa has to stand there and wait for them to get their shit together enough to all say no. Which, you know, eventually they do, but at least they had a good time with her.

More losers: Nouf Taraman, a 21-year-old walking cameltoe, trills weakly and protests when the audience boos her. Backstage, she defiantly tells the camera, "If you're looking for tears, you're not going to get it." Fair enough. What about the guy who comes out with a hula hoop? "When you're not singing or being annoying, what do you do?" Simon asks Jean Loup Wolfman [sic], 42. He's a life coach, so it sounds like he's never not being annoying. He monotones "Think," and in addition to his being completely tone-deaf, Simon observes, "For someone who does therapy, you're really uptight." Nos all around. A 58-year-old named Maya Lehmann does "We Are the Champions" as performed by the Bride of Frankenstein. Even Nicole's diplomacy fails her as she says, "It's hard, because I really like that song." Four nos, but that doesn't stop Maya from making more noise in the White Box.

is Cari Fletcher, a 17-year-old blonde prom queen type who says she's been singing since she was six, and calls this a once-in-a-lifetime chance. She's going to sing "Alone" by Heart. She starts out low and shaky, with her large family watching backstage. But when she hits the prechorus, it's clearly her sweet spot, and that's what the audience was waiting for. After Simon stops her, Nicole says she has great potential, which, coming from Nicole, is like peeing on her shoes. Paula thinks she's talented, and L.A. was impressed. Simon says she's boring. For the vote, L.A. says no, Nicole surprisingly says yes, Paula warns her that she'll "get eaten alive if you don't' come back with all the belief that we have in you" and says yes as well. Simon also gives a yes, claiming it's because he thinks she'll listen but secretly because he wants a hot young blonde on the show. Looks like he's got one. But how do all those people who came with Cari fit into that little White Box? That leads into a montage of White Box joy featuring Joshua Blaylock, 30; Emily Michalak, 12; and Dorit Yehudai, 48, whom we may or may not ever see again.

Coming back, we meet the huge cheering section that came along to support "Ausem." Which turns out to be Austin and Emily, both 15. Get it? Emily says they'll know they're on top when they can beat Lady Gaga at the Grammys. Which is true of anyone, really, but most people don't say that out loud. When they hit the stage and the cheering section makes itself heard, the judges can't fail to notice. They sing "Jar of Hearts" as a duet, doing it all overwrought and theatrical-like, while unfortunately forgetting to do a very good job with the actual singing. Obviously the audience cheers for them when they're done, because half of it rode over with them. Paula calls a vote right away. Simon says yes, saying their audience will understand them. Which is kind of a dis to their target audience, if you ask me. L.A. thinks Austin is a star, but isn't feeling the duo. And if you've ever wanted to see a 15-year-old girl looking crushed in front of an arena audience, here's your chance. Emily's dad protests to Steve, who just watches awkwardly. L.A. says yes anyway. Nicole says no to Ausem, but yes to Austin. "So you'd split them up now?" Simon asks. Nicole herself appears completely split up over the decision, and Simon tries to rush her to make a call already. "Yes or bloody no?" he finally pushes. Paula tells Simon to back down, and while Nicole keeps vacillating, he gets up and leaves the table. So now there are two sad-looking girls on the screen. Finally, after making everyone wait forever, Nicole says yes. Paula also gives a yes, so Simon doesn't even have to come back from walkies for Ausem to move on to the stage. "So what happened?" he asks insouciantly when he returns. Ausem and the families are a lot happier than you'd think about their making it through by the hair on the nose of the skin of their teeth.

Hour two, so I have to do all this again. Steve's back on the road, and tells us that the final round of auditions is from "the whole nation," whatever the hell that means. I'll just explain now: it's leftover auditions from the other cities that didn't fit into their particular hour of programming. Just say you're cleaning out the pantry, X Factor, you're not fooling anyone. The first person from "The Whole Nation" is 21-year-old Tora Woloshin, an ethnically ambiguous bottle-blonde who's also into cars, to the point where she psyches up by making vroom-vroom noises. Simon loves her at first sight: "Cute, tattoos, and wants to make racing cars." She sings "I Want You Back," and does very well, giving an energetic performance although her voice cracks here and there towards the beginning. The audience gives her a long, loud ovation, and the judges really like her too. Simon yammers about the X Factor: "It's more than just the voice, it's something else." Which is good, considering her voice wasn't exactly flawless. Four yeses for Tora, unsurprisingly. These "whole nation" auditions last a lot longer than the ones from just one city.

Coming back. Simon expands his reign of terror by driving the other judges around backstage at top speed in a golf cart. Then we meet "Jor El," a younger, Latino, less butch version of George Michael. He does "Lucky Star," entering the stage hand-first and doing all the Madonna moves he can cram in. Which he needs to do, because he can't actually sing. The audience cheers for him, because they're there to have fun, but he gets nos from Simon, Paula and Nicole, who are there to find someone who's worth five million dollars. Which is decidedly not Jor El. Now there's nothing left for him but to look forward to the day when he launches his newborn son into space moments before a planetary catastrophe.

Then a 21-year-old named John Duff who says that he wants to be a combination of Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha does the most aggressively horrible version of "When I Grow Up" ever. Darlene and Sherone, both 22, do a raunchy yet totally flat duet. Four nos for them. Ric White, a 45-year-old artistic director, sings "Land of a Thousand Dances," most of which Paula does in her chair. He gives a shout-out to Dallas from the stage, and Paula twiddles her new JBF hair and says, "It was good for me, how as it for you?" We don't find out whether Ric's making it to boot camp, but he just might make it to Paula's hotel room.

is a five man group called The Stereo Hogzz that Steve says is from "Hooston." And one of them just became a father at midnight, so he'd better make this count. They make a good first impression, and the new father gets to tell the judges about his new baby girl. One of them can sing, at least, but their harmonies sound a little shaky to me. Simon calls it over-rehearsed, but L.A. gives them a yes, as do Nicole and Paula, so they're in even before Simon adds his yes. "We're going to boot camp!" they White-Box.

After more ads, there are more auditions from Undisclosed Location. Steve says that there are no musical instruments allowed. Yet there's a montage of Nicole referring to people's voices as their instrument, which Simon mocks her for. But mock her for being pretentious, not for being wrong.

Then it's time to meet Brennin Hunt, 26, from Nashville, who is so good-looking that they show him walking in slow motion through the cattle pens while turning heads in all directions. He interviews that his looks are actually a strike against him. We'll see. "My ultimate goal is to rule the world," he says modestly." Out on stage, he tells the judges he toured with another musician for four and a half years, and when Simon asks why he doesn't already have a deal, he says he's been working on honing his skills. He's singing a self-written song called "This Is How We Make It," which Simon pronounces risky. It starts with a long intro so he can gaze soulfully into the audience before singing, which he does quite well, with a surprisingly smoky voice that sounds completely different from how he speaks. After he's done, Simon says Brennin has a brilliant voice and great charisma, but has probably been getting bad advice. That deep-V shirt with the necklace is probably Exhibit A. Simon figures he can fix that, though. Paula loves him, of course, and L.A. asks the audience if Brennin is hot. Paula points out to L.A. that real men can say a dude is hot. Simon demonstrates: "I'm hot." Anyway, four yeses for Brennin. "Finally, somebody gets me," he says to his girlfriend backstage. He White-Boxes that if he hadn't made it there he would have made it somewhere, but he's glad he made it here. Whew.

So the auditions are over, and the judges hug and head out. From the empty auditorium, Steve congratulates the show on the search, and there are clips from these last four shows, reminding me of the eight hours I've already invested in this thing. It's a little early for an end-of-season retrospective, isn't it? After that goes on roughly forever, Steve tells us from the dismantled cattle pens, "week it gets serious; week, it's boot camp." And we see throngs of people arriving at the boot camp venue, which looks like a very tense place. Steve VOs that only 32 acts will make it through boot camp, then they'll be separated into the categories, and the judges will get calls telling them which group they'll be mentoring. "I think I'm gonna win," L.A. says after getting his call and then calling Simon on his yacht to tell him that he's met his match. Wow, spoiler, much? But of course they say nothing about the one thing I really want to know about week's episodes: are they also going to be two hours long?

M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.