So here we are at the Royal Rumble, my favorite of all Pay Per Views. I know Wrestlemania gets all of the attention, but I love the anticipation of "Who will be ? Who will be the surprise entrants?" of the Royal Rumble. So, fasten your seatbelts, because it's going to be a bump-y night. Hee! Wrestling puns.
The first match of the evening is a Tag Team Title match, with Edge and Christian defending their belts against the Dudley Boyz. No tables, ladders, or chairs (at least not legally) this time around -- just some good old-fashioned wrestling. The Dudleyz come down to the ring first, and the crowd goes nuts. In case you missed it, we see that on Monday night, Edge and Christian gave the "double con-chair-to" to the Dudleyz backstage. Then, on Thursday, Christian did a (poorly executed) face-breaker to D-Von, and then Edge and Christian put Buh Buh Ray through a table. By the time they show us all of that, the match has already begun. Buh Buh Ray takes control early on against Christian -- at one point, he Irish Whips Christian into the ropes, then catches him and just tosses him way up into the air. Maybe that move has a name, but I don't know what it is. Edge and Christian get some momentum back, although they appear to be going in and out of the ring without tagging, which makes me think that if they lose, there will be some question as to who was the legal man at the time. At one point, Edge taunts Buh Buh Ray, and Jerry Lawler says, "I love it when Edge talks trash." JR replies, "Does it keep you aroused?" Whuh? Where did that come from? Weird. Edge and Christian go for the "double con-chair-to" on D-Von while Buh Buh Ray is arguing with the ref, but D-Von ducks, and they end up smacking their chairs together, which has got to make your hands sting. Buh Buh Ray tags in and takes charge, allowing D-Von to get what JR refers to as "a shot down south" on Edge. D-Von leaves the ring to get a table. The crowd is just going insane. The Dudleyz go for the 3-D on Christian, but Edge interrupts with a spear to keep things going. Edge and Christian mock the Dudley Boyz by trying their own "shot down south," but Buh Buh Ray reverses it so that Edge headbutts his own partner's crotch. Insert your own joke here. The Dudleyz get the 3-D on Edge, and then D-Von covers and pins. The Dudleyz are the new Tag Team Champs.
Earlier today, Drew Carey arrived at the arena. I think that he's accompanied by Dom Irrera, but I'm not sure. The announcers let us know that Drew is there to talk to Vince about how to sell a Pay Per View, since Drew has one coming up week.
On Sunday Night Heat just before the Pay Per View, Vince clears up the controversy regarding whether or not Triple H provoked Stone Cold on Smackdown! and thus lost his chance to go for the WWF Title tonight. Vince says that Angle interfered, and Triple H stuck to the spirit of the ruling, if not the letter, so he will still get his shot tonight. As if we were all worried about it.
Stephanie and Triple H discuss Hunter's match tonight. Stephanie says that she will be ringside to prevent Trish from interfering. There's a knock at the door -- it's Drew Carey! I don’t know why I was so excited about that. Drew is looking for Vince. Stephanie doesn't know where Vince is, but she directs Drew to Trish Stratus' dressing room, since Drew is such a "ladies' man." Drew asks if Trish is dating anyone, and Steph says that she isn't. Steph leaves to show Drew the way.
The Acolytes are playing poker and drinking beer backstage. They decide to show each other their Royal Rumble numbers, to big laughs. Crash Holly enters to let the Acolytes know that even though they are friends, he will eliminate them from the Rumble if he has to.
After all of that, it's finally time for the Intercontinental Title Match, which will involve ladders. Chris Jericho versus Chris Benoit. Ladders. I can't wait. There's a long clip package of all the interaction these two have had in the WWF. Jericho and Benoit both make their entrances, but there’s no interview with Jericho, to my disappointment. JR explains that the Intercontinental Title Belt is suspended from the ring, and the winner will be the one who sets up the ladder, climbs it, and retrieves the belt. Benoit is the first to get to the ladder, and he places it ringside and then shoves it into the ring. After beating Jericho and leaving him for dead outside the ring, Benoit puts up and begins climbing the ladder. Jericho follows him up, and does an "Electric Chair" -- Benoit ends up on Jericho's shoulders, and Jericho drops him backwards. Jericho picks up the ladder and starts using it on Benoit's face and gut. Benoit later tosses Jericho face-first into the ladder. Jericho ends up outside the ring, and Benoit decides to leap over the top rope and land on Jericho -- except that Jericho is holding a chair and Benoit ends up going into the chair headfirst. Man, that was loud. Benoit really knows how to sell the chairshot. A bit later, Benoit rams Jericho's head with the ladder, and Jericho clearly and obviously puts his hands up so that it doesn't hurt his pretty face. Or maybe I'm projecting. There are a lot of "being on the ladder while it's falling" and "hitting your opponent with the ladder" spots. I don't mean to gloss them over, because they are amazing, but you really have to see them to appreciate them. Jericho starts to climb the ladder, going for the belt, but Benoit grabs him and dumps Jericho over the top rope. With Jericho out of the ring, Benoit starts climbing the ladder. Jericho makes it back into the ring and follows him up, eventually getting a submission hold on Benoit on top of the ladder. Sweet fancy Moses, that was cool. Jericho dumps Benoit off the ladder and reaches for the belt, but Benoit pushes the ladder over. Benoit gets the Crippler Crossface on Jericho, but there are no submissions in this match. Later, Benoit attempts a headbutt from the top of the ladder, but Jericho rolls out of the way. Jericho sets the ladder right on top of Benoit in an attempt to pin Benoit while he climbs, but Benoit pushes the ladder over and Jericho falls on the turnbuckle. I love when they use the camera attached to the belt! Benoit starts climbing, but Jericho uses a chair on Benoit before pushing the ladder over so that Benoit flips out of the ring. Jericho sets the ladder up and really sells his injured left arm while climbing. But he makes it to the top and gets the belt to become the new Intercontinental champ. Wow. That was an awesome match.
Backstage, Drew Carey is chatting up Trish Stratus. Trish says that she is "involved with someone," but Drew tries to convince her that he would be the better man. Vince walks in. Drew, not knowing about Vince and Trish, talks about his Pay Per View. Vince says that the best way to promote Drew's Pay Per View would be if Drew participated in tonight's Royal Rumble. Drew is anxious about getting hurt, but Vince assures him that it will be fun, with no injuries. Drew agrees to participate. I bet hijinks will ensue.
Billy Gunn is trying to convince Chyna that she shouldn't wrestle Ivory tonight. Chyna is having none of it. The world yawns.
Michael Cole interviews Chris Jericho, who gives props to Benoit for a tough match. Jericho says that he proved Benoit wrong, which means that this feud will continue.
up is the Women's Championship match between Chyna and Ivory. Is it a good or bad thing that Chyna is back to wrestling other women? Let's look at what led up to this match. Val Venis gave Chyna a "career-ending" spike piledriver. Chyna cried during an interview discussing the future of her career. Ivory mocked her. Ivory challenged Chyna to a match, and Chyna accepted. Now, it's time for the match. Ivory and Steven Richards come down to the ring first. Chyna comes out with her grenade-launcher or whatever that thing is. Chyna takes control, tossing Ivory around the ring. The dumb thing about this match is that the WWF thinks that we couldn't accept Ivory beating on Chyna, but we can accept Chris Jericho beating on Kane. Whatever. Chyna does her roundoff back handspring to the corner move, and then collapses to the mat. Ivory covers her for the win. Then there's a big sell of Chyna's injuries, even though she did nothing. Like, if they want us to believe that Chyna has reinjured herself, couldn't they have set it up so that it happened during a move where she might have gotten hurt? Lawler runs into the ring to check on Chyna. Billy Gunn runs out to help her. They signal for EMTs. Chyna tries to look scared. The whole thing is dumb, boring, and a waste of time. Clearly, Chyna needed some time off to promote her new book. Lawler comes back to the announce table as they wheel Chyna out. Lawler says that Chyna was unable to speak. JR tries to make up a reason for the injury, but he can't. Lawler uses his "normal" voice to really sell it.
Steph runs into Trish in the dressing room, and threatens her. Trish is not scared.
Tiger Ali Singh and Lo-Down are arguing over which of them will get to be in the Rumble. Lo-Down won a match on Heat, which awarded them one spot in the Rumble. While they argue, Vince walks in and tells them that their spot has been taken away and given to Drew Carey. They're pissed.
Triple H stares into a mirror and snorts to get fired up for his match. Ew! Look at his backne! Clearly, he's been juicing up during his recent downtime.
Kurt Angle walks to the ring while slapping himself in the face to get psyched up. At least, I guess that's why he was slapping himself.
Let's take a look at the clip package to see how this came to be. Angle brags about being the Champ. Triple H says that Angle is only the Champ because Triple H has allowed it. Vince announces that Triple H is the number one contender. Angle announces that, since Steph won't be in his corner during the match, he has contracted Trish Stratus to be in his corner. Vince scolds Trish, and Trish says that she deserves a spanking. Oh, dear God. Steph gets pissed and says that she is the dominant female in the WWF, not Trish. Triple H and Angle battle while Stephanie and Trish roll around and pull each other's hair.
Triple H and Stephanie come down to the ring first. I don't like Triple H's new entrance music (not that anyone asked me). Angle and Trish make their way to the ring. This match is all about psychology, not high-flying moves, so it's pretty boring to describe. Plus, we're all just waiting for the inevitable Steph-Trish altercation outside the ring. Triple H fixates on Angle's left knee, working it over via a variety of moves. Triple H gets a Figure Four Leg Lock on Angle. Trish crawls into the ring to try to break it up, and Stephanie comes over to stop her. A catfight ensues. Stephanie mounts Trish and bitch-slaps her a few times. Vince comes down to try to break it up. Meanwhile, is anything going on in the ring? Vince ends up picking up Trish and trying to carry her out. Stephanie follows and knocks them both down. Vince manages to herd both ladies backstage, fighting all the way. They finally cut back to the ring, where Triple H is watching the shenanigans while Angle gets to recover a bit. Angle gets a Moonsault on Triple H that is just amazing -- who knew Angle could fly like that? Unfortunately, it's not enough for the pin. Referee Earl Hebner gets knocked out. Angle pins Triple H, but the ref is not there to count it. Triple H gets the Pedigree on Angle, and then the pin, but Hebner is still knocked out, and when Triple H goes out to check on Hebner, Stone Cold Steve Austin runs in. Austin beats the crap out of Triple H. Austin revives Hebner and tosses him in the ring. When Triple H starts to revive, Austin gives him the Stunner. Angle wakes up and crawls over to Triple H for the cover. Finally, Hebner wakes up and slowly counts the pin. Angle retains the title, thanks to Austin. Triple H is busted wide open. He wakes up and angrily makes his way backstage, looking for Austin.
Rikishi has number thirty for the Rumble, meaning he will be the last man to enter.
The Undertaker is ready to Rumble as well.
Before the Rumble can begin, Rocky has a few words to say. The Rock brings up the question of whether Kane and the Undertaker are working together or not. The Rock claims that, of course, it doesn't matter who else is in the Rumble, because The Rock is going to win.
Okay, in case you made it this far and don't know how the Rumble works, let me explain. Two wrestlers start out in the ring. One more wrestler comes out every two minutes, until all thirty participants have entered. The only way to be eliminated is to leave the ring over the top rope, and have both feet hit the ground. Once eliminated, you can't come back. The last man standing gets to take on the WWF Champion at Wrestlemania. No disqualifications, no submissions, and no pinfalls. This year, Austin and The Rock are both in it. So are the Undertaker and Kane, who may or may not be working together. Rikishi has lucky number thirty, which means that he gets to enter last, when everyone else is already tired out, giving him a big advantage.
The first two participants come out. Number one is Jeff Hardy. Aw, poor Jeff. JR reminds us that Shawn Michaels was number one in the Rumble in 1995 and won. Number two will be Bull Buchanan. Jeff barely manages to stay in until number three appears.
Number three is Matt Hardy! They manage to double-clothesline Bull out of the ring. The smart thing to do here would be to wait for the guy and work together to eliminate him until they are the only two left, and then fight each other. But no one ever said the Hardy brothers were smart. They both stay in until the countdown to the person begins.
Number four is Farooq. Say it with me, now. Farooq! Farooq! Farooq is on fire! But not really on fire, as the Hardyz get the Twist of Fate/Swanton Bomb combination, and then eliminate Farooq. Again, they face each other, but they take their shirts off first. All the little girls scream. The countdown begins again.
Number five is Drew Carey. Well, at least they are getting the non-wrestlers out of the way early. Better he enter now than at, like, twenty-five. Drew takes his time getting into the ring, and who can blame him? The Hardyz go up on the turnbuckle and end up eliminating themselves when they both fall to the floor. Drew celebrates in the ring and waits to see who the entrant will be.
Number six is Kane. The look on Drew Carey's face is hilarious. Drew tries to get help from the referees. Kane circles the ring before entering, staring at Drew all the while. Drew tries to shake Kane's hand, and then tries to bribe him. Kane knocks the money to the floor and goes for the chokeslam. Just then, it's time for the entrant.
Number seven is Raven, who comes in and hits Kane with a stick. Drew Carey takes advantage of the distraction to climb over the top rope and eliminate himself. Raven drags a bunch of stuff out from under the ring, such as fire extinguishers and signs, but an early entrant stops him...
It's Al Snow at number eight. He came down a little early, I guess. The refs won't let him get into the ring until it's time. Al, Raven, and Kane use garbage-can lids to clock each other. Al rolls a bowling ball into Raven's crotch. Raven and Al Snow hit Kane about ten times with garbage cans, but Kane will not fall down. The countdown begins.
Perry Saturn is number nine. Terri accompanies him to the ring. Saturn gets into the ring, and things are getting a little crowded. All three men gang up on Kane. And who will be ?
Number ten is Steve Blackman and his kendo sticks. Someone has got to go soon, because this is getting confusing.
Number eleven is Grandmaster Sexay. Now it's just a mess with six men in the ring, all fighting in various combinations. Kane uses a garbage can to knock Grandmaster Sexay out first. Then, he tosses Blackman out. Two down, three to go. Kane gets rid of Al Snow, and then Raven. Perry Saturn doesn't have a chance. He goes over, leaving Kane alone in the ring just in time for the wrestler.
And it's...the Honkytonk Man? Also known as Jerry Lawler's cousin, of course. Honkytonk Man offers to sing a song. I go to get some more chips, because this is boring. Kane watches while Honkytonk Man sings a song, and then tosses him out. Meanwhile, he waits for the entrant.
The Rock is number thirteen. I'm really surprised to see The Rock so early! Kane tosses The Rock around the ring until it's time for the entrant, which is...
The Good Father at number fourteen. The Rock gives him some punches and then tosses him over the top rope. Well, that was quick. The Rock and Kane grapple some more while we all wait for the countdown, because you know that neither of these guys is going to get eliminated so early.
Tazz is number fifteen. Tazz comes up to Kane's armpit. Kane knocks Tazz out in less than five seconds. Good. I hate Tazz. Kane goes back to working over The Rock. Rocky tries to lift Kane out, but he can barely pick Kane up, much less toss him out.
Number sixteen is Bradshaw. I like Bradshaw and all, but he's so flabby. to The Rock and Kane, he just looks like a tub of goo.
Albert is number seventeen. The four men in the ring beat on each other. I don’t know why they all don't team up to get rid of Kane, because he would be the hardest to get over the ropes. Then again, Albert is no lightweight, and neither is Bradshaw.
The wrestler into the ring is Hardcore Holly at number eighteen. We're more than halfway through the action! Lawler must be reading my mind, because he suggests that they team up to get rid of Kane. The Rock nearly gets Kane out, but Kane rolls back in under the bottom rope.
K-Kwik comes in at number nineteen. Various wrestlers get tossed over the top, only to roll back in under the bottom rope before their feet touch the ground. K-Kwik takes on The Rock -- enjoy it, buddy. That's the last time you will get to wrestle The Rock, possibly ever.
Number twenty is Val Venis. JR reminds us that Kane has been in the match for thirty minutes, longer than anyone else currently in the ring. Now there are seven men in the ring, and I just can't keep track of who is fighting who, so use your imaginations. No one gets eliminated before the wrestler comes in.
And the wrestler is William Regal in his snug red tights at number twenty-one. He does some sort of move on K-Kwik, but one or both of them kind of flubbed it, and it's just sad. Hardcore Holly just hangs out on the ropes, because everyone else is busy fighting. That would be my strategy -- just hang out on the sidelines and hope no one noticed me, and conserve my energy. It's a good thing I spend time thinking about this, since I’m so likely to turn up in the Rumble year.
Number twenty-two is Test. Right away, Test manages to get rid of William Regal. JR reminds us that The Rock has been in the ring for twenty minutes. No one else gets eliminated in this two-minute period.
The Big Show! The Big Show is back and he's number twenty-three. Wasn't he supposed to have lost weight? Because he looks as fat as ever. The belly shirt probably doesn't help. Anyway, he runs in and gets rid of Test right away. K-Kwik gets lifted up and just dropped over the top rope. He chokeslams Albert, who looks like a midget in comparison. Bradshaw also gets a chokeslam. Val Venis gets a chokeslam. Hardcore Holly gets a biiiiiig chokeslam. Kane gets a chokeslam and the crowd goes nuts. Big Show gets his hand on Rock's throat, but Rock kicks Show in the nuts because nobody puts Rocky in a chokeslam. The Rock ends up clotheslining Show out of the ring. Well, that was quite a return. Outside the ring, Show starts tearing apart the announce table. Show pulls Rocky out of the ring.
Meanwhile, Crash Holly has come down to the ring as number twenty-four, but no one seems to care. Big Show chokeslams The Rock through the announce table and then stalks off. It remains to be seen whether this was a one-time thing or if he is back in the WWF full time. Back in the ring, everyone teams up on Kane. Rock is still lying unconscious outside the ring. All five men try to throw Kane over the top ring as the countdown begins.
The Undertaker rides his bike down to the ring as number twenty-five. He stops the five men from throwing his brother out. 'Taker gets rid of Bradshaw. Kane gets rid of Crash Holly. 'Taker gets rid of Hardcore Holly. Kane gets rid of Albert. 'Taker gets rid of Val Venis. Kane and the Undertaker are left alone in the ring. Are they cooperating? When did Kane get a perm? These are the burning questions currently facing us. JR tells us that the refs ruled that The Rock has not been eliminated, if he ever wakes up. Kane and 'Taker go nose to nose as the countdown begins.
Scotty Too Hotty comes out and looks like he would give any amount of money not to have to go into the ring and face those two giants as number twenty-six. Scotty gets into the ring, against his better judgment. After toying with him for a bit, the brothers toss him out. The Rock starts to get to his feet outside the ring as the countdown begins again.
The sound of glass breaking can only mean one thing -- Stone Cold Steve Austin is number twenty-seven. As Austin makes his way down to the ring, Triple H attacks Austin from behind. While they battle at the top of the ramp, The Rock makes it back into the ring, where 'Taker and Kane start in on him. Triple H punches Austin in the forehead numerous times, and I comment to J-Dawg, "I bet he's busted wide open!" Sure enough, the time we see Austin, he is bleeding profusely. Austin hasn't even made it to the ring yet and it's already time for the guy.
The guy is Billy Gunn at number twenty-eight. A ton of referees appear and tear Triple H off of Austin, finally. Austin is bleeding from the forehead like the proverbial stuck pig. Oh, there's stuff going on in the ring too? I forgot. The Rock squares off with The Undertaker while Kane does something to Billy Gunn. Why is Billy Gunn in there? Get rid of him. It's time for the contestant.
Unfamiliar music starts up as Haku, a giant Samoan-looking gentleman, runs down to the ring to be twenty-nine. He used to be in the WWF long ago, and recently (like yesterday) was in the WCW, so it's a coup that Vince urged him to come back over to the WWF. I bet such a late entry into the Rumble sweetened the offer. The crowd is silent, because they have no reason to cheer for or against him. They start an Austin chant. JR and Lawler argue over whether or not it was right for Austin to interfere in Triple H's match, and for Triple H to interfere with Austin in the Rumble. No one gets eliminated before it's time for number thirty.
And we all know that it is Rikishi. Austin somehow wakes up and attacks Rikishi from behind before he can get into the ring. Austin eliminates Haku, thank God. I'm still wondering why Billy Gunn is still in there. JR points out that Kane has been in the match for fifty minutes. The Undertaker almost eliminates The Rock, but not quite. Rikishi eliminates The Undertaker with a kick. Again, would someone get rid of Gunn? We know he's not going to win, so he's just a distraction. He's just lying in the corner, taking up space. The Rock eliminates Rikishi. There's a motor sound as The Undertaker rides his bike back up the ramp.
Now it's down to Kane, The Rock, Billy Gunn, and Stone Cold. Finally, Austin tosses out Billy Gunn. Thank you, Austin! Stone Cold's face is just covered in blood. They show Austin staring at The Rock from across the ring, and his entire forehead -- no, the entire upper half of his face -- is just covered in blood, with his eyes peering out. It's a creepy sight. Rocky and Austin kick and punch around the ring. Kane, who had been passed out in the corner, gets back up, and Austin passes out some punishment to the Big Red Machine. The Rock manages to use some momentum to toss Kane out, except that Kane goes between the ropes instead of over the top, so he's still in. Austin tries to toss The Rock out. Kane comes back and knocks them both over the top rope. Austin lands on the apron while Rocky tumbles to the floor, eliminated.
So now we are down to Kane and Austin. Kane chokeslams the still bloody Austin. Kane signals that he's about to end it for Austin. It seems that Stone Cold has other ideas, as he kicks Kane below the belt, knocking him down. Kane goes out and gets a chair, but Austin dodges it and gives Kane a Stunner. Austin grabs the chair and hits Kane with it three times, and then knocks Kane over the top rope. Austin wins! Austin is going to Wrestlemania! God bless that bloody mess.