As dramatic music (and does the WWF use any other kind?) pounds in the background, we get a little clip package reminding us (or informing us, if you missed it) what happened on RAW Monday night. Vince addressed the concerns about his counting Austin's pin last week on Smackdown, saying that his New Year's Resolution is to be "fair in everything [he does]." Austin came out to inform Vince that he doesn't believe him, or trust him, like this is news. Later on RAW, Austin and Angle put on one hell of a match, one that had J-Dawg and I yelling from the couch, until we remembered that it was after 11 PM and our neighbors were probably sleeping, or trying to. Just when it looked like Austin had the match (and title) won, Triple H showed up and beat Austin in and out of the ring, drawing blood from Austin's bald head. Whew! That was a great RAW, largely for the last twenty minutes. And...credits.
Vince comes down to the ring to start the show. Mr. McMahon claims that he had nothing to do with Triple H, his son-in-law, interfering in Austin's match on Monday, and that Triple H has been "verbally reprimanded" for his attack. If people are wondering where the animosity between Triple H and Austin comes from, Vince suggests that they only need to look at all of the altercations between these two in the past year. This includes when Triple H had Austin run down by a car, and when Austin dropped Triple H's car using a forklift. Yeah, I guess that does constitute a feud. Vince says that this thing will be settled, because he has ordered a "twenty-four hour cooling-off period" between those two, and that both men have been discouraged from attending the show. The crowd is pissed that they paid good money and won't be able to see two of the federation's top stars. Vince says that Austin still wants a shot at the title, so Vince will "consider" letting Austin participate in the Royal Rumble. Also, Angle will take on the number one contender at the Royal Rumble -- and the new number one contender is Triple H. Vince thinks this is all fair; the crowd thinks differently.
More fairness from Vince -- he offered to let Triple H and Austin speak to the crowd via satellite, but only Triple H took him up on his offer. Cut to Triple H and Stephanie on the TitanTron. Vince reminds Triple H that he does not condone Triple H's attack on Austin. Triple H smarmily apologizes. Stephanie smarmily nods. Then Triple H changes his tune, saying that he's not sorry at all and Austin had better watch his back. Triple H says that he won't stop until Austin's career is over and Triple H is the champ. Stephanie chimes in, saying that Austin got what he deserved for ripping her shirt off and pouring beer on her. Triple H goes on to build up his match with Kurt Angle at the PPV by claiming that Angle is only still the champ because Triple H's attention has been diverted by other activities. Triple H thanks Vince for his "genius," and then Triple H's new music plays. I don't like it.
Meanwhile, The Rock is in the house.
Hey, the Hardy Boyz got a ravioli commercial!
Back from the break, Edge and Christian can't believe that Triple H got a title shot. They decide to go cheer Kurt up, but he's not in his dressing room. The best part: one of them calls Kurt "pork chop." Huh?
The Hardy Boyz, fresh from shooting their ravioli commercial, head down to the ring with Lita. We are reminded that on RAW, Dean Malenko squirted mustard all over Lita, and then spied on her while she was washing off in the shower. The Hardyz came to the rescue, causing a "serious knee injury" for Dean. Tonight, the Hardyz will be partnering with Billy Gunn for some reason. It's like the WWF doesn't have enough time to fit in all the matches. What's that you say? The show is only an hour and a half long tonight? Ah. That explains the fact that there are about twelve wrestlers in each match.
Anyway, the opponents in this match will be Good Father, Bull Buchanan, and Val Venis (a.k.a. RTC). The Hardy Boyz get off a lot of their signature moves, as the crowd screams in appreciation. Billy Gunn apparently has a new finishing move to replace the Fameasser -- I guess it's called "The One and Only." Basically, he gets his opponent in a Sleeper Hold, lifts his opponent's feet off the ground, and slams the opponent down on his butt. It's about as lame as it sounds. Just as Matt Hardy sets up the Twist of Fate on Val Venis, Ivory distracts the ref (of course), and Steven Richards jumps in and kicks Matt in the face, allowing Val to get the pin. The RTC hauls ass out of there really quickly.
Lillian Garcia interviews The Undertaker about his Fatal Fourway match tonight with The Rock, Rikishi, and Kane. The winner of the match gets to be number thirty in the Royal Rumble, a distinct advantage. 'Taker babbles about "the big dog" and "the yard."
Some of the Oakland Raiders are ringside. Don't they have a playoff game for which they should be practicing? Interesting that the WWF is so willing to plug NFL teams when their own XFL league starts soon. I guess they aren't really competing products.
Test, with newly slicked-back hair, makes his way down to the ring. When did he get his eyebrow pierced? Did Albert do it? How did I miss that? Test's opponent tonight will be a Road Dogg-less K-Kwik. Roadie is in rehab -- again. Anyway, his absence is officially unexplained, and K-Kwik has had to change some of the lyrics in his little rap, which is still way too long. Lawler tells Michael Cole to stop dancing. I so wish we could have seen that! So much to mock. Aren't both of these guys faces? At one point, K-Kwik does a sort of back handspring, but he falls on his knees. Oops. Test gets the pin shortly thereafter. Following the match, the two men high-five in the most dispirited manner ever, like the bookers told them just before the match to do it, and they know it's lame, but they have to do it if they want their singles push. As Test is leaving the ring, William Regal attacks him from behind. He also attacked him on RAW, so I guess they're setting up a feud. What the basis for it would be, I can't imagine.
Backstage, The Rock is pacing in the locker room.
1 2 3 4
When we return from the break, they show a clip of the XFL blimp that crashed earlier this week, and try to spin it like it crashed because the XFL is so extreme. Nice one. Then Kaientai are in the locker room with some XFL cheerleaders, doing the Japanese movie bad-dubbing thing. I guess it's cheaper to do that than try to teach them English.
Rikishi is doing knee bends in the locker room, and he sounds like he's about to pass out. Someone get him some oxygen.
Jonathan Coachman interviews Kurt Angle backstage. Coach says that some people think Triple H saved Angle's title on RAW. Angle says he could have won it on his own, and Triple H needs to go after Austin on his own time. Angle points out that Triple H was in the "Hell in A Cell" match with him at Armageddon, and had the opportunity to take the title right there, but Angle won. Angle also says that he won't have a McMahon in his corner at the Royal Rumble, so he's hooked up with Trish Stratus, because she's always wanted to manage a champion. Interesting. Will Stephanie be jealous? Will Vince be jealous? Will Triple H be...oh, I guess he doesn't have any reason to be jealous.
We're reminded that on RAW, Edge and Christian brought out some fake Dudley parents. The Dudley Boyz came out and put the fake Ma Dudley through a table. I didn't really get that whole thing. Were we supposed to be cheering the Dudley Boyz putting a defenseless middle-aged woman through a table? Edge and Christian enter the ring wearing Oakland Raiders jerseys. Just when you think that they're going to go against type and support the hometown team, Edge takes off his jersey to reveal a Baltimore Ravens T-shirt, and they act out the Raiders getting beat by the Ravens in Sunday's playoff game. Their partner in tonight's match will be Chris Benoit. Leading off the opponents' entrance is Chris Jericho, who taunts Benoit, but his little speech is not really up to his usual excellence. Jericho does decide that when he takes on Benoit for the Intercontinental Title at the Royal Rumble, it will be in a ladder match. Jericho's partners will be the Dudley Boyz. Before the match can really begin, Stone Cold dashes down to the ring with a chair and cleans house. Well, that's one way to shorten a television show. Of course, they don't cut out Austin drinking some beers. Austin calls Vince out, and Vince appears. Long story short, Austin wants to know if he's in the Royal Rumble. Vince says that he is.
After the break, Vince stalks back to his dressing room, where Trish "The Dish" Stratus is waiting for him. Vince complains to Trish about Austin's demands, and then wonders why Trish volunteered to be in Kurt Angle's corner. Trish says that she doesn't want to displease Vince, and that she's been "so bad that she deserves a spanking." Vince likes this idea. Oh, dear God. I'm going to vomit now.
It's finally time for the Fatal Fourway Match to determine the last man to enter the ring in the Royal Rumble. Kane comes down to the ring first. No one appears to care much. up is Rikishi, who generates some booing. Kane won't let Rikishi into the ring. While they work that out, we take another commercial.
1 2 3 4
When we return, they still haven't worked it out. Fellas! You had like twenty minutes of commercials to get that settled! Now it's time for The Undertaker to ride down to the ring. While The Undertaker drives down, Kane and Rikishi start the match. 'Taker joins right in. The Rock strolls out. I was really hoping for one of his patented "run full-speed down the ramp hell-bent for leather" entrances -- no one does that better than Rocky. Anyway, all four men are now in the ring, and whoever gets the first pinfall or submission wins. At one point, The Undertaker clotheslines Rikishi, but Rikishi botched the move terribly by jumping up into the air before 'Taker clocked him. Um, I think you're supposed to make it look like your opponent knocked you off your feet, Rikishi. Pretty much every combination of the four men battle in and out of the ring. Each man has a chance for a pin at some point, and gets pulled off by an opponent. In the end, 'Taker is knocked out of the ring. The Rock gives the Rock Bottom to Kane. 'Taker pulls Rocky off Kane and out of the ring. While Rocky and 'Taker are battling outside, Rikishi stumbles up and sits on Kane, getting the pin. So, Rikishi will be the last entrant in the Royal Rumble. I doubt he'll win, though. That was his little prize for now. After the match, 'Taker knocks Rikishi down for no apparent reason, other than meanness. The Rock and The Undertaker face off in the ring, trading blows. 'Taker goes for the chokeslam. Rocky hits him with a low blow. That's two low blows for The Rock in one match. Hmm. Kane chokeslams The Rock, 'Taker, and Rikishi --not all at once. One at a time. Then he makes fire come from the ringposts. Yeah, he's not winning the Royal Rumble either. Too much build-up tonight.
1 2 3 4