More Armageddon redux. Mick Foley promised to resign if anyone was seriously injured. On RAW, Vince showed up to collect on that promise. Vince gave a big speech in the middle of the ring, designed to extract maximum guilt from Mick, even mentioning that Mick's supposed to be spending his retirement with his kids. Ooh, that Vince knows how to push buttons. Vince handed Mick a letter of resignation to sign. William Regal (why?) came out and claimed to speak for all of the WWF superstars in demanding Mick's resignation. Stone Cold came out and got the audience to give a "Hell, yeah!" for Mick Foley remaining the commissioner. Stone Cold gave Regal a Stunner. Foley pulled out Socko. Socko! And then he ripped up the resignation letter.
Stephanie talks to Mick and Debra about her mother, Linda. Steph claims that Linda has been very ill since Vince brought up the divorce. Mick feels responsible. Stephanie says that when Mick "eggs" Vince on, Vince takes it out on Linda, so Steph asks Mick to "lighten up on Vince." Mick says he'll try, out of respect for Linda.
In the first match, new Tag Team Champions Edge and Christian (introduced as "Christian and Edge," which is just wrong) take on the Dudley Boyz. It's a non-title match, which is just a waste of time. Why bother? Edge does a good job of keeping his persona throughout the match. So many of the wrestlers put on their persona to walk down to the ring, but then put on some bland wrestling. Edge keeps the "not too bright but cocky" thing going throughout the match. Edge and Christian also both do a fantastic job of selling the Dudley Boyz' moves. The Dudleyz get the 3D on Christian. Edge sneaks into the ring and clocks Buh Buh Ray with the title belt when the ref isn't looking. Christian pins Buh Buh for the win. Of course, it's a non-title match, so who cares?
A limo pulls up, and Vince gets out with Brisco and Patterson. Brisco wants to know what Vince is going to do to Mick Foley tonight. Foley shows up and requests that they find a way to peacefully co-exist. Vince can't believe that a guy who "took a nasty, rotten sock from [his] crotch and stuffed it down [his] throat" wants to co-exist. Vince says he'll "give it consideration." Vince is really working the "evil genius" thing this week -- he's wearing his overcoat like a cape. Between that and the wheelchair from last week, he's practically Mr. Potter in It's A Wonderful Life.
Kurt Angle comes down to the ring and takes the microphone. Kurt thinks he has earned the crowd's respect. When they boo him, he starts ripping on Arkansas. Boy, people hate him. He's such a great heel. Angle compares Mick Foley's refusal to resign to Bill Clinton lying about his affair with Monica. Was there any doubt that Angle would come down on Vince's side in this thing? God, I would love to see Angle join up with Stephanie and rule the WWF by Vince's side. How smug and evil would they be?
Mick Foley comes out and tells Angle to shut his mouth. Foley claims that everyone used to love Kurt, because he's an Olympic hero, but then people got to know him, and now they hate him. Mick decides to examine the so-called injuries resulting from the Hell in The Cell. Triple H, he claims, is suffering from injuries accumulated over years of wrestling. Rikishi wouldn't have been injured at all if not for Vince driving a truck down to ringside. Well, that's a sad justification. Foley claims that if Vince were in charge of the WWF, things would be "a whole lot worse." William Regal comes down -- and the announcers are as mystified as I am regarding why he is getting involved. Regal claims that Foley has not been around to help them, and "lets the hooligans run rampant." Foley decides to punish Regal and Angle by setting up a tag team match for them with The Rock and Stone Cold.
Stephanie is backstage, looking for her father.
Vince is on the phone with someone, ordering them to deliver papers to Linda "every hour on the hour." Then he inquires about his "offshore accounts" to be sure that Linda "can't touch them." Stephanie enters and claims that there's information that he doesn't know about the family. Before she can tell him that Linda is sick, Vince rushes her out the door. Vince picks the phone back up to ask about his stocks and bonds. Ooh, you're a mean one, Mr. McMahon. I love it!
Lita comes down to the ring, selling a back injury. She looks much better in her long-sleeved shirt, since you can't see her terrible shoulder tattoo. We're reminded that Dean Malenko tortured Lita in the ring at Armageddon, and then on RAW, he kissed an unconscious Lita. Tonight, Lita will be facing Ivory for the Women's Championship. Ivory takes the mike and blames the way Lita dresses for the fact that Dean Malenko doesn't treat her like a lady. Ivory claims that, like Chyna (who was beaten by the RTC on RAW), Lita brought it upon herself. Michael Cole tells us that RTC and the Hardy Boyz have been banned from ringside for this match. The match begins, and Lita is still selling the back injury. Dean Malenko shows up at ringside, and Lita goes flying through the ropes to take him out. Lita needs to learn that there's a difference between "beating on someone" and "tossing your hair around." Ivory takes advantage of Lita's distraction to pin her. Lita -- back injury -- still selling it. We get it.
Debra and Foley are playing hockey in their office when Raven enters. Foley reminds Raven that he injured Foley's best friend Al Snow on RAW. So, tonight Raven will be in a Hardcore Match against -- the Undertaker. Ha!
Stephanie is trying to talk to Vince again. Steph claims that what's going on in their family affects business, and that Linda is sick. Steph claims that Linda has lost a lot of weight. Vince says that Linda could stand to lose a little weight. Ooh. Steph says that Linda could barely talk, and Vince says that's a good thing too. Steph tries again, saying that Linda was lying in bed, motionless. Vince says that "rings a bell as well." Wow. Keep in mind that in real life, he's still married to her. And she's still Stephanie's mother. Nice. Stephanie tells Vince he is disgusting and leaves. Vince is all, "Was it something I said?"
Val Venis comes down to the ring with Ivory. We are reminded that on RAW, Val Venis piledrived (piledrove?) Chyna, resulting in her hospitalization. Tonight, Billy Gunn will go for revenge. Let's see how many moves Gunn botches tonight. Well, he did okay tonight. Gunn grabs the Women's Belt from Ivory and clocks Val Venis, earning a disqualification. Billy really looks like a frog.
Stephanie knocks on Vince's door. Vince opens the door and Stephanie demands that he discuss Linda with her, and that he go home and talk to Linda. Vince says he's not going home tonight, or ever, and slams the door. Stephanie talks to the closed door, saying that if he won't talk to her in private, maybe he will in public. Does anyone ever talk to closed doors in real life? That's such a television convention.
The Lugz Boot of the Week is the Undertaker tossing Rikishi off the top of the cage. They aren't even calling it "the boot of the week" anymore, thank God. We learn that Rikishi is suffering from not a ruptured spleen, but a bruised spleen. Whew!
Stephanie McMahon comes out to the ring, takes the mic, and says she won't leave the ring until Vince comes out and talks to her. She thinks it's sad that the McMahons have to "air [their] personal business in public." Backstage, Vince is on the phone. Brisco comes in and informs him of Stephanie's action. Vince hangs up the phone and heads out.
Stephanie says she's there to talk about her mom, and to save his marriage. Vince gimps down to the ring, flanked by Brisco and Patterson. Stephanie apologizes for doing this publicly, but it's the only way he'll talk to her. Stephanie understands why Vince would be angry with Linda for siding with Mick Foley, but he shouldn't give up on their "fairy-tale marriage" over this. Vince takes the microphone and tells Stephanie that Linda came from "the wrong side of the tracks" and from a poor family. And yet, Vince was attracted to her because she had "a good-time girl reputation." Vince claims that they had "a really good time in the back seat of her family's 1969 Chevrolet Impala" on their first date.
Vince thinks Linda doesn't love him, but she loves his money, and the mansions, and the sports cars, and the luxury yacht, the airplanes, all the jewelry -- the good life. Vince sees Stephanie in a different light, because she looks and acts like her mother, and even has "the same sour scent" as her mother. Stephanie starts bawling. Vince says he looks at her and sees two spoiled little "rich bitches." But the bleep the "bitches" part. Vince tells Stephanie to get out of his life and stay out, but first he has a message for Linda. After the divorce is final, there will be "a new Mrs. McMahon" who can "keep up with [his] sexual prowess" and who will be about Stephanie's age. Ooh, Brisco and Patterson leave the ring, shooting glances of disgust at Vince, and chasing after Stephanie. See, he's really bad if his own stooges don't want anything to do with him.
Backstage, Vince yells at Brisco and Patterson, who are escorting a sobbing Stephanie from the arena. They ignore him.
I'm officially out of bird jokes. That doesn't mean that I enjoy or even understand Raven's music. Maybe inspiration will strike soon, but this week -- nothing. Raven will be taking on The Undertaker in a Hardcore match. First, Raven takes the mike to claim that he's "like a trapped animal" and most deadly when he's cornered. The Undertaker rides down to the ring, accompanied by his new Limp Bizkit theme. 'Taker kicks ass all over, and ends up doing a Last Ride which puts Raven through the announce table. The pin is just academic after that.
The Hardy Boyz come out and cheese it up. I'm still a fan, but come on, fellas. Tonight, they'll be taking on Chris Benoit and Perry Saturn. The match seems to be progressing along naturally until suddenly Jeff Hardy rolls Benoit up for the pin. Benoit is astounded. The Hardy Boyz run back up the ramp, like they can't believe it either.
Vince is on the phone again. Foley comes into the room, looking menacing. Vince asks if he's there to co-exist. Foley yells that he's still the commissioner, and that "any father that treats their daughter like that is garbage," and that Vince makes him sick. Foley walks out yelling, "Garbage, Vince!" Vince smiles and chuckles to himself. Interesting.
Earlier, Dean Malenko distracted Lita, and she lost her chance at the women's title. For some reason, Dean is in the ring with a microphone. Why? Dean claims that Lita was lucky to get a kiss from him on Monday. Chris Jericho comes out and invites Malenko to kiss his ass. Jericho calls Malenko a "past-his-prime nerd with the sex appeal of Urkel." Then he says, "So, Dean Mal-Urkel? It's go time." Dude, I love Jericho. Eddie Guerrero comes down to watch the match and a HUGE "Eddie sucks" chant starts up. After a few near falls, Jericho gets a power bomb on Malenko. As he goes for the Lionsault, Eddie interferes and Malenko gets the pin. Jericho tosses Malenko out of the ring, and then slaps the Walls of Jericho on Eddie and refuses to release him. Cut to Vince backstage, commenting that this is "all on the commissioner's watch." Once the refs pry Eddie away, Jericho puts the submission move on again. It takes five or six refs to get him away. He's crazy! He snapped! He has a vicious side!
Backstage, Eddie is screaming and selling his injury. Angle and Regal agree to get along in their match tonight, because they are civil. Kevin Kelley interviews The Rock about his upcoming match. Rocky tells a story about a little Kurt Angle and a little William Regal. It involves playing with balls. Little Rock gets involved, and actions are taken involving candy-asses and things being turned sideways. I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. Meanwhile, Stone Cold is strolling around backstage. What's up with that leather vest?
Angle and Regal start walking down the ramp, but suddenly Kane's music hits and he strolls out behind them. Apparently, he's accompanying them to the ring. The Rock and Stone Cold take twenty minutes to get down to the ring. Stone Cold and Rock kick ass. Kane interferes. Vince watches from the back. Ultimately, Austin pins Regal for the win.
Backstage, Vince is still on the phone. A lackey walks in, saying that there's an emergency phone call from Shane. Vince picks up the phone and is all, "When? What do you know? I'll take the private plane home tonight. Keep me posted." He hands the phone back with a big sigh, and tells the lackey that Linda was just rushed to the hospital. Vince limps over to a mirror, sort of crying. Once the lackey is gone, he looks up at the mirror and chuckles evilly. Ooh, he's bad. And he knows it.