As the show begins, we see the following people meeting with Mick Foley individually: Stone Cold, The Rock, The Undertaker, Rikishi, and Triple H. Foley is promising each wrestler that he will get a shot at the WWF Championship at Armageddon on December 10th. That's crazy talk! What is Foley up to? I'm sure we'll find out tonight.
The first bout is a Six Man Intergender Tag Team Match. Shouldn't that be "Six Person," since it's Intergender? Is “Intergender” even a word? Anyway, the Hardyz plus Lita will be taking on Dean Malenko, Eddie Guerrero, and Perry Saturn. Wow, that's weird that only one team has a lady on it. I mean, it's cool, but very unlike the WWF. The King suggests that Dean Malenko has a little crush on Lita. He's like twice her age, isn't he? Apparently, they finally have a name for the move where one of the Hardyz gets on his hands and knees, and the other uses his back as a springboard. It's called "Poetry In Motion." Lita does it, except she does a hurricanerana too. It was pretty cool. Matt does a Twist of Fate. Jeff does that "running along the barrier" thing. Lita does a Moonsault onto Dean Malenko, and pins him, but Eddie Guerrero frog-splashes her when the ref isn't looking, and the Radical team gets the win.
Mick Foley stops playing Connect Four (no, really) and starts walking somewhere. But where?
We are reminded that on RAW, The Rock was fighting Rikishi for top contender status. Kurt Angle interfered in the match, so a disqualification was named. Thus, there is no official number-one contender. Mick Foley is coming out to set things straight. We are further reminded that on RAW, Kane was fighting his brother The Undertaker, and Angle and Edge and Christian interfered in that match as well. And then, Stone Cold was about to beat Kurt Angle and win the WWF belt, and Triple H interfered. So the theme of the night was interference, clearly. Mick Foley gets into the ring and takes the mike. Foley says that Angle is a "conniving, double-talking, sniveling liar," but he is right about the WWF. Foley reviews all of the crazy shit that's happened this year in the WWF. Mick brings up the fact that Angle interfered in the number-one contender match on Monday night. Foley could have scheduled a rematch, but he knew there would be interference in that as well. So, he decided to name five number-one contenders. The first one is The Rock, who makes his way out to the ring.
The Rock gets on the mic and does his schtick. Rocky tells Foley that he's confused, because he's supposed to be the number-one contender. But, The Rock ultimately doesn't care, as long as he gets a title shot at Armageddon. Foley says that there's someone else who got screwed -- the Undertaker, because he probably would have won it at Survivor Series if it weren't for Kurt Angle's lookalike brother.
Cue the Undertaker's music. 'Taker says pretty much what Rocky said -- he just wants a shot at the title. Foley announces another guy who deserves a shot -- Stone Cold Steve Austin. Cue glass breaking and the entrance of Stone Cold. Good God, how much time are they going to take setting up a match that doesn't even happen for another week and a half? Rikishi comes out and stands at the top of the ramp, and Triple H joins him at Foley's insistence. Foley tells these five men (to review, Rocky, Stone Cold, Undertaker, Rikishi, and Triple H) that their lives are all intertwined, and he's sick of it. He wants to solve the "WWF Championship puzzle" with no run-ins and a guaranteed end. Foley says they all agreed to "no physical altercations" that night, unless it's part of a match booked by Foley. Then Foley announces that all six men will be battling it out for the WWF title at Armageddon, in a Hell in a Cell match. What? That really is crazy talk. How will all six of these men fit in a cell? Will you be able to tell what's going on? Won't it just look like a giant clusterfuck?
Kurt Angle comes out to the top of the ramp. Angle thinks that Foley has lost his mind, and that the match is barbaric. Foley agrees that it's barbaric, and reminds the assembled that anyone who gets into an altercation tonight will lose his title shot, and if Kurt does anything, Foley will strip him of his belt. Triple H grabs the mic as Angle pouts. Triple H reminds Mick that it was a Hell in a Cell match where Triple H ended Foley's career. Well, that's not exactly right. Close enough, though, for the purposes of this storyline. Triple H introduces Stephanie, who struts out. Triple H claims that he won't be causing any trouble tonight, because it's his and Stephanie's one-year wedding anniversary. What is the proper gift for one year? Isn't it paper? I never understood that. So, do you give the couple stationery? Triple H invites everyone to their celebration, including Stone Cold, since he was in traction when they got married. Stephanie grabs the mic and whines, "And they said we'd never last!" She and Triple H smooch, and everyone else looks pissed.
Okay, seriously? The first hour of the show is over and there has been one match. That took a loooooong time.
Triple H and Stephanie have a romantic candlelight dinner set up...in their locker room. Wouldn't it be a little more romantic somewhere not in the arena? Stephanie thanks Triple H for the three dozen roses on the table. Harvey Finkel is standing there. Triple H says he's expecting a "surprise," and he asks Harvey to wait outside the room and let Triple H know when it arrives. Harvey agrees, and Triple H bends Steph backwards to kiss her. Ew. The King informs us that "the surprise" is Stone Cold.
Road Dogg and K-Kwik -- whatever. I refuse to dignify this new rap thing with description. They are taking on Bull Buchanan and Good Father, who are accompanied by Steven "White Socks" Richards. As the match begins, the ref sends Richards to the back. K-Kwik gets off some impressive moves, but Ivory sneaks into the ring and bashes him in the head. Bull Buchanan gets the pin and the win.
Kurt Angle suggests to Mick Foley that he should have the five contenders compete in a Hell in The Cell match, and then let Angle take on the winner in a regular match. Foley says he's thought about it, but he is so pissed at Angle that he wants him to suffer. A lot. In other words, nice try, Angle.
Stephanie and Triple H are listening to some Kenny G crap while eating their romantic dinner. Triple H gives Stephanie a present. If the words "conception" or "pregnancy" come into play at all in this storyline, I’m going to vomit. Anyway, Triple H jumps up as the door opens, but it's just Harvey bringing them champagne. Triple H tells him to go wait outside.
William Regal "Beagle" comes out and issues a challenge to anyone in the back. Scotty Too Hotty comes out to try to win the European Championship. There's a Scotty Too Hotty lookalike in the crowd. Scotty Too Hotty does The Worm, and goes for the pin, but Regal gets a foot on the rope to stop the count. Regal battles back and gets the pin, retaining the European title.
Stephanie is admiring a bracelet that Triple H bought her. Harvey comes in and says there's an angry guy outside the door. Triple H grabs a wineglass and gets into defensive posture as Benoit walks in. It's funny to see him in wrestling tights to Triple H and Stephanie wearing regular clothes for some reason. Benoit offers to go find and hurt Austin. Triple H thanks Benoit but suggests he worry about his upcoming match, because Triple H is confident that Austin will come to them. Cut to a shot of Austin watching this whole scene on a monitor, smiling, and walking away.
Michael Cole tells us that The Rock will be hosting Sunday Night Heat this week. How thrilling.
Kane and Benoit will be taking on Billy Gunn and Jericho, who is the last to come down to the ring. Jericho stops to jabber on the mic a bit, comparing Benoit and Kane's stature to "R2D2 and C3P0." Then Jericho says that Kane is like a hemorrhoid because he's "irritating, red, and a pain in the ass." Hey, I think someone forwarded me an e-mail with that joke just the other day. It sounds like one of those "jokes" that used to get faxed around in the days before e-mail. Jericho needs new writers. After a bunch of wrestling, Benoit gets the Crippler Crossface on Billy Gunn, who taps out. Benoit and Gunn win.
Stephanie drains a glass of wine, and then jumps up as the door opens. Harvey walks in with Kurt Angle. Kurt asks after Triple H, who is in the bathroom according to Stephanie. Kurt says that despite what he said on RAW, he still needs Stephanie in his corner. Stephanie reassures him that everything will be fine, and they hug. Of course, Triple H walks out just then, so Kurt beats a hasty retreat.
Tiger Ali Singh is talking to Lo-Down. For some reason, the guys in Lo-Down are wearing turbans as well. They all want to talk to Mick Foley about how Steve Blackman "desecrated" their turbans, but Foley is nowhere to be found. Debra comes along, and Tiger Ali Singh asks her to "run along" and find Foley, since that's her job as a woman. Debra gets pissed and makes a match between Lo-Down with Tiger and Blackman with the Dudleyz.
Tazz interviews Crash and Molly Holly. Tazz is really annoying. Please make him go away now.
In an interview with Jonathan Coachman, Stone Cold says that Triple H should be dead right now, and he's looking forward to beating on Triple H at Armageddon. Coach tells Austin that Triple H seems to be baiting him, and Stone Cold makes Coach his bitch. Well, he does! Sort of. He makes Coach say, "Yes, sir!" Triple H and Stephanie watch the whole thing on a monitor. Triple H says, "There's our surprise guest!" Really? I had no idea! He and Steph go to finish dinner and wait.
It's time for the whole Lo-Down/Tiger vs. Blackman/Dudleyz thing. Please let this be short.
Oh my God, is it over? We're back with Stephanie and Triple H. Trish Stratus walks into the room, and Stephanie wants to know what the hell she's doing there. Trish says she wanted to wish the couple a happy anniversary. Test walks in and says it's hard to believe it's been a year since Stephanie "did [him] the biggest favor of [his] life by not marrying [him]" and becoming Triple H's puppet. Wow, I can't believe they are acknowledging the whole Stephanie/Test thing! It so rarely happens. Stephanie even calls him "Andrew," just like she used to when they were engaged. Stephanie says she did herself a favor. Test grabs Trish, and they walk out. Huh?
Oh, back to the match that started and then stopped. The Dudleyz carry their table down the ramp. At the end of the match, Chazz distracts the Dudleyz outside the ring. While out there, Tiger and D-Lo put Blackman through the table for the win. Snore.
Stephanie gives Triple H an anniversary present. Harvey announces another visitor -- it's Rikishi. He tells Triple H that even though they are friends, it has to be every man for himself at Armageddon. Triple H agrees. Rikishi leaves. I hit fast forward.
Stone Cold walks down a hallway. Down a hallway! I love these little clips they show us that don't mean anything. They crack me up.
Lillian Garcia interviews Kurt Angle, who is accompanied by Edge and Christian. Although Kurt is the one being interviewed, Edge and Christian answer all the questions. They say Foley is "a toolbox," and that tonight they will be taking out two of Angle's Hell in The Cell opponents.
Hardcore Holly is throwing someone's stuff out of a locker. Raven comes up and asks what's going on -- seems that it's his stuff being thrown. Hardcore claims the locker is his. What is this, the third grade? This is the best that they could do for a dispute? Look, writers, just because these two probably had this fight in real life doesn't mean that we want to see it, or that you should base a storyline on it. At least Raven has his hair tied back so you can see his face. Ha! Hardcore calls Raven "Crow Boy." I love Hardcore Holly. They're going to have a match later.
Triple H holds up a teddy and jokes that he won't fit in it. Stephanie says it's not for him. This is getting awfully close to the ban on the word "conception" that I made earlier. Harvey barges in and says that their "special anniversary cake" is here. Triple H think this is some code for Austin, and gets into his defensive stance again, clutching the champagne bottle. Commercial.
The guy with the cake comes in, and it's a guy with a Stone Cold hat on. Triple H nearly clocks him as Stephanie comes over and announces that it's the top of their wedding cake that she had flown in. They had a wedding cake?
Raven attacks Hardcore from behind and then starts reciting some not-at-all poetry. In that it is not poetry, at all. Hardcore gives Raven the low blow. Ha! Go Bob Holly! The two battle backstage for what seems like eons. They even go outside, and I have to give them props because it must have been really cold out there. I still don't care about the match, mind you, but I get that it is cold. Okay, things just got a little bit interesting. Raven grabs some electrical wire out of the back of a truck and ties it around Hardcore's neck, and then leads him around as if the wire were a leash. Now they are across the street and throwing each other into street signs. Hardcore ends up pinning Raven on the sidewalk for the win. Mostly boring, but a little interesting at the end.
Triple H and Stephanie toast their anniversary. Harvey runs in and says that now he knows who Triple H means by "special guest," and that "special guest" is here. Triple H and Stephanie clink glasses. Do you see this going horribly wrong?
Angle, Edge, and Christian come down the ramp. Their opponents will be The Undertaker (who rides his motorcycle down to the ring) and The Rock. The Undertaker throws Edge and Christian around like little rag dolls and even does the Rope Walk. The King comes up with the idea to count how many times each team tags one another. Yeah, that would be interesting. Shut up, Jerry. Kurt Angle gets a big suplex on the Undertaker. I think it's impressive to do any move that lifts 'Taker up in the air. He's a big guy. Eventually, The Rock beats on Christian in the ring while Angle and 'Taker battle outside the ring. Edge hits 'Taker with a chair, which frees up Angle to run into the ring and do an Olympic Slam on The Rock. The ref is (say it with me now) distracted, and The Rock eventually kicks out. The Rock tags 'Taker just as Christian tags Angle. Kurt runs into the ring but sees Undertaker coming at him and stops dead. Hee! 'Taker sends Angle for his Last Ride and pins Angle for the win.
Triple H tells Stephanie to blow out the candles and then go wait in the bathroom so that he can turn out the lights and wait for the "special guest." The lights go out. The door opens, and we hear sounds of a struggle. Harvey listens at the door giggling, and then Austin comes up to the door. Huh? Like we all didn't know that wasn't Austin fighting Triple H. Austin walks into the room and flips on the light, saying, "Happy anniversary, jackass." Triple H is all confused and lifts up some debris to reveal who he was beating up -- Vince McMahon! Stephanie is all concerned and starts yelling, "Lay down! Lay down, dad!" I start yelling, "Chickens lay eggs and people lie down!" Is that right, Sars? [“Yes.” -- Sars] Anyway, that last scene, as predictable as it was, did a good job building the suspense -- I wasn't sure who the recipient of the beating would be until it was revealed.