Your announcers, JR and Jerry "The King" Lawler, can't stop reminding us that something big always happens at Survivor Series. Last year, Stone Cold Steve Austin got hit by a car driven by a mysterious assailant (later revealed as Rikishi, on orders from Triple H). This year, Stone Cold will be given his opportunity for vengeance. Will something big happen again this year? Here's hoping a McMahon is involved.
The first match is Steve Blackman, Crash, and Molly Holly versus Test and Albert with Trish Stratus. The first low blow of the evening happens pretty early when Albert lifts Crash up, and Trish goes to kick Crash but ends up kicking Albert. I hate it when that happens. Test is wearing these silver track pants that make me wonder if there's something wrong with his legs, and that's why he can't wear regular trunks like other people. There's so much smoke in the arena due to the opening pyrotechnics that it looks like they're wrestling in London in the 1800s. I expect Sherlock Holmes to emerge from the back and say, "Pip pip. Cheerio." How annoying is it that someone taught Trish Stratus one move, a Bulldog, and that's the only actual wrestling move that she ever uses? Molly ends up doing a Sunset Flip on Trish, and gets the pin and the win for her team.
Backstage, Kurt Angle approaches Edge and Christian. Edge and Christian think that Kurt is going to ask them to run in and help Kurt in his match, so they fake an illness. Kurt tells them that he "owns the Undertaker" and really he just wants them to celebrate with him after the match. A couple of Canadian jokes later, Kurt leaves.
Earlier today, no one recognized Lo-Down and Tiger Ali Singh, and they couldn't get into the arena. I don't mind the "nobody recognizes Lo-Down" angle, but I could do without Tiger Ali Singh. I think that the fans either see him and think, "Who?" or see him and think, "Why?"
Road Dogg and K-Kwik rap their way down to the ring. At least Road Dogg has both of his overall straps buckled this time. Their partners, Chyna and Billy Gunn (I refuse to go along with that "The One Billy Gunn" nonsense), join them in the ring. JR explains that this is a "traditional Survivor Series match," which means that a wrestler is eliminated by being pinned, and that the match continues until one entire team is eliminated. Their opponents are the Radicalz, joined at ringside by Teri, whose "making devil horns" schtick is getting really old. Kind of like Teri herself. Chyna tries for the low blow on Perry Saturn, where she has her back to him when she kicks her leg between his, so that her leg comes nowhere near his nuts. Saturn sells it anyway. Moments later, Chyna gets pinned and thus eliminated. Lawler is still pushing the "something big" that is going to happen tonight. Billy Gunn takes out Eddie Guerrero. K-Kwik finally has his chance in the ring, and he gets off some pretty amazing moves before being suplexed by Benoit, getting pinned in the process. Perry Saturn pins Road Dogg, leaving Billy Gunn alone to battle the remaining Radicalz. Gunn pins Dean Malenko, who still looks like a confused Billy Joel to me. Gunn is looking a bit tired at this point -- he can barely get Perry Saturn's arm up over his neck. Have I mentioned that Perry Saturn has acne on the backs of his thighs? It's really disgusting. Benoit ends up pinning Gunn while Perry Saturn holds Gunn's foot so he can't kick out. The Radicalz win the match.
Lillian Garcia tries to get an interview with The Rock, but The Rock ignores her.
Michael Cole interviews Chris Jericho about his upcoming match with Kane. Jericho calls Cole "Mitchell." Hee! Jericho talks about the "unforgiving monster that's waiting to escape," and he's referring to himself, not Kane. That's all we get from Jericho? I was hoping for a super special Pay Per View Jericho rant. We see a clip package explaining the backstory to this feud. Kane doesn't like Jericho because he thinks Jericho is a pretty boy.
Jericho makes his way down to the ring, followed by Kane. During the match, JR says, "There is not a long line of people waiting in line to fight Kane." Interesting. It sounds like every time Jericho throws a punch or kick, he yells, "Let go! Let go!" It's creeping me out. Kane jumps off the turnbuckle, and Jericho drop-kicks him in mid-air. That move would have looked cool if this were The Matrix, but the physics involved just made it look really fake. Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho on Kane, but Kane is up on his forearms, and it just looks like a Boston Crab or something. Kane powers out, and it looked like Jericho was going for a leg lock of some sort, but it got all messed up. This match is pretty sloppy, overall. True to form, Jericho does a sloppy Bulldog but then hits a decent-looking Lionsault. It's not enough, as Kane gets his chokeslam and pin for the win.
Teri comes into the Radicalz dressing room to tell them she met up with Triple H; he said he had a couple of things to take care of, and he would meet up with them later. Benoit chuckles knowingly.
The match was only scheduled recently, and I'm sure we are all so glad it made the final bill. Except that we're not. William Regal, the European Champion, will be taking on Hardcore Holly. Regal comes out and rips on the hometown crowd of Tampa, Florida for not being able to handle an election. Regal has on some super-tight red tights that make me long for the days of Test's baggy silver pants. Maybe they could swap? Good Lord, I can practically see his, um, hanging chad. Hardcore Holly is developing a bit of a bald spot. Maybe he needs to lighten up (no pun intended) on the hair bleach. God, this match is really boring if the most exciting thing I can think of to discuss is Hardcore's bald spot. Hardcore finally grabs the European Title belt and bashes Regal with it, earning a disqualification. Regal retains the title. Sigh.
up is The Rock versus Rikishi. Wow, this is pretty early on in the evening for a match featuring The Rock. Is he losing it? Anyway, we get to see a clip package explaining how this feud came about. In case you've been in a coma, Rikishi claimed that he ran down Stone Cold to help The Rock. The Rock didn't want anything to do with Rikishi. Rikishi admitted that Triple H really told him to run down Stone Cold. Rikishi slammed The Rock in the chest with a sledgehammer. Now, The Rock has the chance at revenge, even though he is hurting from that sledgehammer to the chest. Wouldn't you be? Yeah! Internal bleeding!
Rikishi takes twenty minutes to waddle down to the ring, but The Rock runs out at top speed. Wing Chun and Glark were watching this match with me, and they marveled at the size of Rikishi's ass. Wing thinks Rikishi is built like a woman. I said, "Yeah, a woman with a big, fat ass." The match features the announcers reminding us early and often that Rikishi and The Rock are related, and grew up together. Also, did you know that The Rock has a chest injury? I tell Wing Chun that there are all kinds of bad things under the ring for wrestlers to use -- garbage cans, lead pipes, and such. Wing thinks they should replace the banner aprons with signs saying, "Here There Be Monsters." They should! Rikishi proves my statement true by pulling the fabled sledgehammer from under the ring, but The Rock hits Rikishi before he can swing it. The Rock delivers the Rock Bottom to Rikishi, and both men are down and out on the mat. Rikishi sure has a lot of dimples on his ass. Rikishi does the drop of his people (The Samoan Drop) right onto Rocky's chest. His chest! Remember his chest? It got hit with a sledgehammer? The Rock gets the Stink Face, which is really gross. Every time Rikishi gets one of his big moves, The Rock comes back. Because he's just that tough, people. The Rock does a Spinebuster and The People's Elbow on Rikishi. Wing says, "All he did was hit him with his elbow? What's so great about that?" I tell her, "He drove his elbow straight into Rikishi's HEART!" I think I've been listening to JR too long. The Rock gets the cover and the pin. JR seems a little too excited to call Rocky a "magnificent stallion." After the match, Rikishi plants his big fat ass on The Rock's chest numerous times.
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Stone Cold has arrived at the arena. I note that he doesn't wear his knee braces when he's arriving at the arena -- a good time to take him out! Triple H is hanging out with the Radicalz. Mick Foley comes in and tells Triple H that the Radicalz can't intervene in his match with Austin, and that there will be no disqualifications. Triple H agrees, and Foley leaves.
Ivory defends the Women's Championship against Lita. Early on, Lita starts bleeding from a cut near her eye. I've seen claims on the Internet that it was legit, and also that she bladed. I tried to watch the tape and figure it out, but it's hard to say when the cut actually happened, so I don't know. Regardless, you don't usually see women bleed from the face, so that earns some respect from me. Lita goes for a moonsault from the top turnbuckle, but Steven Richards pulls Ivory out of the way so that Lita lands on the mat. Ivory has blood all over her shirt from Lita's cut. Lita takes off her shirt and goes for the moonsault again. Ivory gets her knees up and ends up getting the pin to retain the title. Steven Richards carries Ivory backstage.
We get an update that The Rock is "coughing up a lot of blood." Kane is walking backstage when Jericho attacks him. Because this feud isn't over!
It's been a year since Kurt Angle joined the WWF. We get a video look back at all that Angle has done in that year. Then the Undertaker says that even though he doesn't dress like Satan anymore, he's still "down with the devil." Undertaker gets his shot at Angle's WWF Championship belt !
Michael Cole interviews the Undertaker, who says that "it's time for the Golden Boy to take his last ride." Angle comes out to the ring and gives a speech about how successful his year has been. JR points out that Angle is confident he will win -- maybe a little too confident. While Angle is listing all of his memorable moments, the Undertaker makes his entrance. JR reminds us that the Undertaker debuted in the WWF ten years ago at Survivor Series, and won his first WWF Championship from Hulk Hogan nine years ago. Should he really be reminding people how old 'Taker is? The Undertaker is wearing yellow python pants. It's a refreshing change from his usual black. JR mentions Stephanie's absence. Yeah, what's up with that? Kurt Angle won't get in the ring for a long time. Undertaker grabs a chair, and then drops it to take off his coat. Angle hits 'Taker with the chair, and the bell rings to start the match. The Undertaker does his "rope walk," and the crowd goes insane. The Undertakers gets an arm bar on Angle, but Edge and Christian run out and distract the referee. Angle taps out, but the ref misses it. Later, The Undertaker chokeslams and pins Angle, but once again Edge and Christian distract the ref. Angle narrowly escapes a Tombstone and crawls under the ring. 'Taker pulls him out and throws him back into the ring. After a Last Ride, the ref starts to count the pin, and stops before hitting three. Turns out the man being pinned, although he looks like Angle and is dressed like Angle, isn't Kurt Angle. As 'Taker argues with the ref, the real Kurt Angle runs in and rolls up 'Taker for the win. Who was the fake Angle? I'm sure we'll find out on RAW. Kurt Angle runs out of the arena and takes off in a car.
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Edge and Christian join with Bull Buchanan and the Good Father to take on the team I like to call "Boyz with a Z." It consists of the Hardy Boyz and the Dudley Boyz. This will be a traditional Survivor Series match, similar to the one earlier with the Radicalz. Another "z" team. What's up with that? After the Hardy Boyz take off their shirts, Edge pins Matt Hardy for the first elimination. Then Christian pins D-Von Dudley so that he is also eliminated, and now it's four against two. Buh Buh Ray pins Bull Buchanan. Christian comes flying off the top turnbuckle, accidentally landing on Edge and making things easier for Buh Buh to pin and eliminate him. Now things are even again. After a few messed-up moves, Good Father pins Buh Buh Ray leaving Jeff Hardy alone to fight the Good Father and Christian. Jeff Hardy gets the Swanton Bomb on Christian so that he is left with the Good Father. He gets the pin, but Val Venis runs in and starts beating on him after the match is over. Jeff takes a beating from all of the members of RTC, but he won the match for the "Boyz with a Z" team. The Dudleys and Matt Hardy run out to help. The tables come out. Val Venis and Stevie Richards both go through tables.
Before walking out to the ring, Triple H turns to the Radicalz and says, "You know what to do. Make sure you do it." Ooh, whatever could he mean? Obligatory clip package telling us how this feud started. Basically, Triple H was behind Stone Cold getting hit by a car last year. The package finishes with a shot of Triple H in, like, reverse color so that his eyes are white. Scary!
Triple H takes his standard ten-minute stroll to the ring. JR says that Stone Cold wants to beat Triple H. You think? Thanks for the update, JR. The match goes out of the ring. Do you think the wrestlers get annoyed when all of the fans start patting them on the back and such while they are trying to wrestle? The match goes backstage, and JR points out that Stone Cold could be in trouble, since the Radicalz are backstage as well. Eventually, the two make their way back to the ring. Or to the ring. Stone Cold hits Triple H in the head with a monitor, and Triple H starts bleeding. I was going to say that it caused Triple H to start bleeding, but we all know that's not true. Stone Cold grabs a beer out of his little cooler and then smashes Triple H with the cooler. Then Stone Cold sits down and drinks a beer, because he's thirsty. Meanwhile, Triple H is just lying there. Then Austin hits Triple H in the head with a beer can. They finally get back into the ring, and Triple H regains momentum. Triple H goes back outside the ring and sets up the Pedigree on the steps. Except, first, he tells the lackeys to clear off the announce table. This is because Stone Cold then flips Triple H onto said table. Wow, that was so spontaneous! I bet Triple H didn't know that was coming! Except that he clearly did, since he told them to clear off the table first. Austin finally gets back in the ring and gets the Stunner on Triple H. Instead of going for the pin as expected, Stone Cold heads outside the ring and grabs a chair. He puts it on Triple H's leg in such a way as to break his ankle. The ref talks him out of it, and Stone Cold removes the chair. And then puts it on Triple H's head instead. Triple H rolls out of the way before Stone Cold can break his neck. The two men battle their way backstage. The Radicalz come out and attack Austin. Multiple refs arrive to break it up. Triple H heads out through a door. Where's he going? Oh, he's out in the parking lot, and he gets into a car. Benoit leads Austin outside, but Austin suddenly goes missing. Triple H tells Benoit to "drag his ass out here," and Benoit goes back in. Triple H 's car is suddenly being lifted into the air by a forklift, driven by Austin. Austin uses the forklift to raise the car up. Triple H keeps telling him not to do it. Austin raises the car up really high in the air, gives Triple H the double bird, and then drops the car upside down. Holy shit! That's what Triple H said right before the car dropped, but it's what I said too. I mean, I know that Triple H wasn't really in the car, but it was a really long fall! That almost made up for a pretty boring match. Almost.
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