The crowd goes wild for Stone Cold Steve Austin in the ring to open the show. Austin takes the mic, as Lawler warns us to "cover the ears of the children." Perhaps the eyes as well? I mean, I enjoy the WWF as much as anyone, but if I take issue with anything about the WWF, it's the whole "We don't market to children" thing, because clearly they do. Well, that and the woman thing. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, back to Austin. He's practicing some revisionist history on his interaction with Rikishi at the Pay Per View. He claims that he was just giving Rikishi a ride in his truck, and wasn't trying to run him over at all, because Stone Cold couldn't "bear a grudge" against someone, and it was an accident that he ran into the police car. Dude, this is just like Cops, where the perpetrator makes up some ridiculous story to explain his behavior. Austin explains that the only charges that ended up being levied against him were for littering, because dumping Rikishi was like dumping garbage. Austin then thanks Mick Foley, and explains that he promised not to touch Rikishi unless provoked, and he will comply as long as he can take on Rikishi in a cage match on Monday's RAW. The announcers are stupefied. The audience supports Austin's pledge to beat Rikishi if he is provoked tonight. This whole speech would have been a lot more effective without Michael Cole yelling every two minutes, "What is going on with Stone Cold? We've never seen him like this!" Shut up, Michael Cole.
Cut to Rikishi watching the whole thing on a monitor. He says, "Oh, you wanna be provoked, huh? Right. Right." What? That was so lame. Why doesn't he just twirl his mustache before tying a damsel to the railroad tracks just in front of an oncoming train? I've seen more villainous behavior in Dudley Do Right.
Too Cool are talking to Rikishi in the locker room. Too Cool try to convince Rikishi not to provoke Austin tonight. Rikishi gets all offended that they think that he needs any kind of protection, and tells them that they wouldn't even be in the business if it weren't for him. Then Rikishi waddles off. Y'all know that Sexay only wears that bandanna on his head because otherwise he looks exactly like his father, Jerry Lawler, right? Check him out time it falls off during a match -- they could be twins. Especially given the fact that I suspect Jerry Lawler has had a little nip and tuck. ["I agree. He's got that Liberace thing going on around the eyes now." -- Sars]
The Hardyz and Lita come out to the ring. We see a clip package reminding us of the following. The Conquistadores (Edge and Christian) won the Tag Team Title on the Pay Per View. Monday night on RAW, The Conquistadores were supposed to defend their titles against Edge and Christian. So, Edge and Christian convinces some random guys to drop the titles to them. The Hardyz stole the Conquistadores costumes and beat Edge and Christian, winning the titles back and then unmasking themselves. Mick Foley said the Hardyz could retain the belts, despite the costumes. Got that? The Dudley Boyz will be challenging the Hardyz for the titles tonight. Lawler tries to introduce even more confusion into the Conquistadores thing. Give it up, King. It's over. I hope. Jeff Hardy does the requisite "step on Matt's back and fly over the ropes to land on the opponent outside" move. Then he takes off his shirt, and all the little girls scream. No complaints here. Well, I would like to register a complaint about those things he wears on his arms. The Dudley Boyz battle back, until Jeff Hardy does a hurricanerana from the top turnbuckle on Buh Buh Ray. There are many near-pins. D-Von pins Matt, but while the ref is distracted, Jeff does a Swanton Bomb on both of them. Matt still fails to get the pin. Everyone is in the ring, and it's very confusing. The Dudley Boyz got the "D-Von diving into the crotch" move. Does that one have a name? The "Wasssup?" perhaps? Rather than just pin the incapacitated Hardyz and win the titles, the Dudleyz go for the tables. This allows Edge and Christian to come down and hit the Dudleyz with chairs, and the bell is rung, because that's interference. Edge and Christian hit the Hardyz with chairs for good measure. So, the Hardyz retain the titles due to disqualification.
Lillian Garcia interviews Kurt Angle, and Stephanie is in attendance. Lillian points out that Angle will have to defend his title again tonight. Angle is upset that he has to defend his title again. Stephanie says that Commissioner Foley should be impeached. They walk off. Benoit and Malenko walk up. Benoit asks what his last name is, because when Benoit won on RAW, Lillian announced him as "Chris Jericho." Dude, I totally missed that. Benoit threatens her. He's still boring.
We are reminded that Chris Jericho accidentally spilled hot coffee on Kane on RAW, which caused Kane to interfere in Jericho's match via the chokeslam. I guess that might be important later.
RTC comes out, with newest member Ivory. Steven Richards takes the mic and says the same thing he always says. The thing that bugs me about Ivory joining this group is that a while back, I thought they were going to have Ivory battle against the treatment of women as sex objects in the WWF. I think it would have been interesting. But now they have her doing it as a heel, so that the crowd boos her, and she's not taken seriously. Do you know how much I have to defend myself as a woman who watches wrestling? And if I have to watch another bra-and-panties match, I'm going to throw up. I have no problem with them having scantily-clad athletic women like Lita on the show -- as long as they are respectable wrestlers as well. Hell, I ogle the men. But the men don't have to wrestle in swimming pools and mud pits. Anyway, Ivory says that she doesn't appreciate the Rock's comments about pie. The Rock comes out and makes the standard "freedom of speech" thing, ignoring the fact that the Constitution only guarantees Americans that the government won't limit their speech -- not the FCC or the WWF or the RTC. The Rock asks Ivory if she wants pie. Chyna comes out and starts to talk, but Ivory tells her that "posing nude doesn't make [her] beautiful -- it just makes [her] cheap." See, that could have been interesting, if Ivory had concluded that Chyna was beautiful without posing nude, instead of going for the "cheap" remark. Billy Gunn comes out eating a fucking piece of pie. Ugh, this is so frustrating. I don't know why I get so upset about this. Steven Richards proposes a match between RTC and The Rock, Chyna and Billy Gunn. Whatever. I don't even care anymore. I hate the WWF writers.
There's a scuffle backstage between Rikishi and Too Cool, despite the fact that Rikishi walked away from them earlier. Mick Foley declares a Handicap Match between Rikishi and Too Cool tonight. Rikishi laments the lack of gratitude from The Rock and Too Cool, and vows to kick their asses, and then to call Stone Cold out and kick his ass too. Like you kicked it on the Pay Per View, Rikishi? By becoming a human punching bag? Oh, okay then.
In the "Lugz Boot of the Week," Dean Malenko helps Chris Benoit get the Crippler Crossface on the Road Dogg. I'm not sure how that involved boots. Malenko wore boots to run down to the ring, maybe?
Tonight, Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko will take on Triple H and Road Dogg. Remember last week, when we thought DX was breaking up? What happened to that? X-Pac even got a new outfit, but Road Dogg is still wearing his green-and-black, cover-every-possible-inch-of-flesh outfit. Thank God for the flesh-covering, by the way. I gather that Road Dogg is not the most fit of wrestlers. Roadie starts out versus Dean Malenko, the high-school gym teacher (tm Toenail Assassin). Benoit tags in, so Triple H tags in as well. Benoit is boring. Malenko is boring. Road Dogg is boring. I just don't think Triple H can carry these three on his back. Oh good Lord. Perry Saturn comes out in leather pants. Is Perry Saturn like fifty years old? Malenko gets the Road Dogg to tap out with the Texas Cloverleaf, and Lillian Garcia gets Benoit's name right when announcing the winners. Triple H comes in and cleans house. Yeah, I'm still snoring over here. I have never been interested in the Radicalz, no matter how much the announcers try to hint at a Radicalz reunion.
Kurt Angle tells Stephanie that things are unfair. Stephanie gives him a pep talk, and says she believes in him and his abilities. It works. Who is Angle fighting tonight? We still don't know.
Test and Trish sit in chair and order Albert to move a case around. Test tells Albert he's "strong as a bear, or at least as hairy as one." Hee! Albert is hairy. Crash Holly comes in and demands a match with T & A. They all laugh at Crash and tell him that he's cute.
Kurt Angle and Stephanie come down to the ring. Angle gets on the mic and whines some more about how unfair it is that he has to defend his title against "a real tough customer," and introduces his opponent as the Brooklyn Brawler. Stephanie and Kurt laugh and laugh. But Mick Foley's music hits instead. Foley gets on the mic and gets three cheap pops in a row by mentioning Long Island. Foley announces a "much more suitable opponent," Chris Jericho! Woo hoo! I know he won't win tonight, but it's still cool to see that the WWF recognizes that Jericho is main event material, instead of wasting him against X-Pac. Jericho gets a hurricanerana on Angle, the exact same move that Jeff Hardy did earlier. After a few near pins, Jericho gets the Walls of Jericho on Angle, but before Kurt can tap out, Kane comes out and clobbers Jericho from behind, ending the match. Kane chokeslams Jericho after the match ends, and then commands flames to emanate from the ring posts. The announcers can't believe Kane is carrying a grudge like this over spilled coffee. Whatever. It's better than Jericho versus X-Pac.
Stone Cold is pacing back and forth. Did you hear me, people? He's pacing!
Albert, accompanied by Trish, comes down to the ring. He'll be fighting Crash Holly tonight, in a Hardcore match. Crash is about a third of the size of Albert. At one point, Crash jumps on Albert's back, and it's so ridiculous. We are shown that Steve Blackman is watching, and the announcers actually refer to Blackman as "the greatest Hardcore Champ of all time," but they leave out the end of the phrase, "when it comes to putting the audience to sleep." After the usage of many, many props, including a trash-can lid, the steel steps, a stop sign, and a fire extinguisher, Albert pins Crash for the win.
Rikishi is pacing back and forth, too! He's preparing for his upcoming Handicap Match. By pacing.
We see footage of The Rock being honored by the Make A Wish Foundation. Aw, those kids are cute. I'm so easily manipulated. I'm still not forgiving the WWF for the women thing, though.
Rikishi tells an interviewer that he's going to beat Too Cool and then call Stone Cold out. Yeah, we got it the first time, muu-muu boy.
Chyna and Billy Gunn are making their way to the ring, as is The Rock. Then, another commercial. Good God. Well, it certainly makes the recapping easier.
RTC comes out. Do I have to recap this match? Chyna does her rocket launcher thing. Billy Gunn comes out, and thankfully doesn't rub his ass for the camera. Seriously, that man has issues. The Rock comes out too, and please let this match start and end soon. Apparently, all four members of RTC (Steven Richards, Good Father, Bull Buchanan, and Val Venis) will be teaming up against The Rock, Chyna, and Gunn. This is such a waste of a match. I don't think anyone cares about this match at all. If I'm wrong, come post in the forums and tell me. Hell, come post in the forums anyway. Ultimately, The Rock gets the Sharpshooter on Bull Buchanan to win the match. The Rock has been using that Sharpshooter quite a bit lately, eh?
Stone Cold is still there, and still pacing. The pace of the pacing has slowed down a bit, though.
We see a clip package of various members of the WWF visiting Wall Street. Sars, were you there? Did you take djb along? ["Not this time. You've got to tell me about these things!" -- Sars] Anyway, Vinny Mac rang the opening bell to begin trading.
Caw! Caw! It's Raven! Tazz walks out behind him, laughing. He's probably cracking up over the lame music. Tazz joins the announcers, as Al Snow comes out to take on Raven. Poor Al Snow. Can't they give him the European Title back? Tazz makes some lame jokes as they plug Sunday Night Heat. Lawler talks about the great ratings RAW got on Monday night, comparing them to Titanic. Huh? How does Titanic have ratings? ["I think one of the networks counterprogrammed it against the World Series." -- Sars] Oh, there's a match. You wouldn't even know that from listening to the announcers. Lawler and Tazz continue to insult one another. Everyone (including the viewers at home) continue to ignore the match. Raven gets the pin, and Tazz joins him in the ring to beat on Al Snow. Lawler hops into the ring to go after Tazz. Snow and Lawler chase Raven and Tazz out of the ring.
Too Cool and Rikishi are heading to the ring, separately.
Chris Jericho will be the guest host on Sunday Night Heat, and his band will be performing live. I might actually have to tune in to see that one.
Rikishi comes out in his muu-muu. Hey, Too Cool has new music also! I guess they retired the old music when the trio broke up. Michael Cole points out that Too Cool combined weigh only seven pounds more than Rikishi alone. Scotty Too Hotty tries to get the Worm on Rikishi, but in the eleven and a half minutes that it takes to set it up, Rikishi gets up and derails it. Then he gets the newly named "Bonsai Drop" (when he goes to the top turnbuckle and drops butt first) on Scotty, and the pin. After the match, Rikishi continues to wreak havoc on Too Cool. The crowd chants, "Austin." The announcers remind us that Austin (who we saw pacing some more backstage) can't come out until provoked. As predicted, Rikishi calls him out. Austin starts to open his locker room door to go out, but an unseen person bashes him, and Austin is left lying on the locker room floor, bladed wide open. Rikishi taunts Austin. Stone Cold starts making his way out, feeling his way along the walls, despite the blood falling into his eyes. Austin's music hits. Rikishi waddles up the ramp to meet him. Blows are exchanged. Austin rolls down to the ring after Rikishi knocks him down. Once they are in the ring, Austin begins to battle back, and nearly gets the Stunner on Rikishi, but not quite. Rikishi ends up getting the Bonsai Drop on Austin. Lawler says that Rikishi has fulfilled his promise to bloody the Rattlesnake, but technically, Rikishi didn't do it. Michael Cole wonders who Rikishi's accomplice was, as do I. Who was it? Maybe we'll find out week.