Ninety Miles Away

You know how these recaps are usually really long because I include lots and lots of dialogue? Well, fuck that. There's a ton of dialogue in this episode, but it's just not worth repeating. Because it's crap.

A fucking subtitle tells us that it's Monday morning. Leo walks through the darkened and seemingly empty West Wing while a wet snow falls outside the window. He sits at his desk, picks up the phone, dials, and then asks for "Jorge, por favor." Leo starts speaking Spanish while some Spanish guitar plays in the background. Strum strum strum. I think I see Zorro hiding behind a curtain.

Jed, his cane, and a Secret Service agent are walking down a hallway while Leo continues to speak on the phone. Strum strum strum. The Queen of Swords and Marta are climbing through a window.

Leo wraps up his call, saying "Gracias, Jorge. Hasta luego." Strum strum strum. Leo looks at the, how you say? Ah, yes, whiteboard, which now reads "330" at the top. For those who are curious, there are four columns on the board. The one labeled "health care" has a lot of stuff written in it. There's also one labeled "race," which has a couple of items. The two columns labeled "Latin America" and "drug policy" are empty. There are some additional notes at the bottom, which I can't make out. Leo gets up and walks over to the board, erases the "330," and replaces it with a "329." At that moment, Jed limps in and asks Leo if he knows what time it is. And then he answers his own question, telling us that it's "a little after 5 AM." Leo apologizes for calling Jed so early, and Jed complains about "the gauntlet" (by which he means "gantlet") he had to run in the Residence to get out so early. And then Jed picks up a book sitting on a side table and starts reading aloud: "The world breaks everyone, and afterwards many are strong at the broken places, but those that will not break, it kills. It kills the very good, and the very gentle, and the very brave impartially." Leo talks about what a son of a bitch Hemingway was, and Jed wants to know what the hell that has to do with Leo calling him at 5 in the morning. Leo tells Jed that he's been on the phone and that "there's a rumor about Castro." Jed doesn't see what the big deal is. Leo starts blathering about talks they've been conducting with Cuba and how he wants them to achieve some results before the end of Bartlet's second term. Now Jed wants to know what that has to do with Hemingway. Dude, make up your mind. Either you want to know why he's reading Hemingway or you don't. Leo tells him that it's been ten years since he read all of Hemingway. Apparently, he read Hemingway's complete works in the thirty days that he was in rehab. Which, as we all know, was actually twelve years ago, not ten. I don't know who's a bigger hack -- John Sacret Young for writing this crap, or John Wells for putting it on the air. Leo tells Jed that he has an idea. Strum strum strum. I have a sudden craving for fajitas.

Margaret walks into Leo's office, which is empty. Since he's not there, she turns around and walks right out. The strumming continues. Margaret runs into Charlie in the hallway, and they start dancing the flamenco. Okay, they don't, but they might as well. She asks him if he's seen Leo, and he tells her that he saw Leo packing up a few hours ago. But he doesn't know where he went.

Leo is admitted to a large hacienda. There's tropical foliage behind him. Strum strum strum. Ricardo Montalban is walking down the corridor, looking for some rich Corinthian leather. Leo is greeted, in heavily accented English, by a guy who asks him how his trip was. Leo tells him that it was fine, except for the boat ride. The guy welcomes Leo to the house of "Seor Ernesto Hemingway." Strum strum strum.

C.J. enters the Office of O, followed by Charlie. Jed is sitting at his desk, and Debbie is handing him some papers to sign. Jed looks at his watch and tells Debbie that it's 7:53. She looks at her watch and tells him that it's actually 7:49. They argue. She accuses him of cheating. C.J. tells Jed that the report he wanted to see was last in the possession of Leo. Jed tells her that he's been expecting her, and that he and Debbie had a bet on how long it would be before someone came to ask where Leo was. C.J.'s a bit confused. Jed tells her, "Who knew he was such an Ernest Hemingway fan that he'd drop everything and go and visit Hemingway's house?" Charlie wants to know if he's talking about the house in Idaho or in Key West. Jed tells him that he forgot to ask. Strum strum strum. Speedy Gonzales runs by in the background.

Back in Hemingway's hacienda, Leo and his host are conversing in subtitled Spanish. Leo is excited to be in the house, which his host tells him has not been well-maintained. There's a close-up of Hemingway's typewriter.

Leo and his host walk into another room. A voice asks if Leo admires Seor Hemingway, and he says that he does. And then his host introduces Leo to "El Presidente de Cuba." A Fidel Castro impersonator is sitting in a shadowy corner. He's got a cigar in his hand. Leo bows slightly. Strum strum strum. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Credits.

Charlie walks up to C.J. in a West Wing corridor and says, "The bug people are coming today." A fucking subtitle tells us that it's Tuesday morning. The strumming, at least, has stopped. Charlie tells C.J. that there is fear that there are termites or ants in the White House, and that two different companies are coming in to do some tests. There's some bug talk. C.J. asks Charlie to keep the bug people as far away from her as possible. They've arrived at Leo's office, which is still empty. C.J. asks Charlie if he ever saw Leo reading Hemingway. Charlie gives product placement to a bunch of authors, but says he never saw Leo with any Hemingway.

In the Sit Room, Kate is hearing from some military and spy types that there is a rumor about Castro's health. I should have raised this back when we almost invaded Canada, but why is she running the show down there? Kate thinks the rumor is not very credible in light of the fact that its source is Miami. C.J. enters the room and Kate tells her that there are reports that Castro is seriously ill. Kate points out that the rumor might just be a cover for some kind of secret operation in Cuba. C.J. looks at Mr. CIA, who tells her that the CIA no longer engages in those kinds of activities in Cuba. Kate seems pretty unimpressed with his protestations of innocence. C.J. tells them to find out whether the rumor is true. And to demonstrate what I'm saving you from by not repeating much dialogue, here's a typical example from this scene: Kate says, "Miami, south Florida, south Florida, Miami. It's Chinatown." And the words really aren't given any help by the context.

In Debbie's office, Jed is pointing out that he still hasn't collected his winnings. She thinks that he must mean her winnings, since he's a big cheater. C.J. walks in and tells Jed that there's a rumor about Castro's health. Jed tells Debbie, "Let's pull up the drawbridge for a couple of minutes." She tells him that she'll do that, and that she'll also garnish his wages to collect her money.

In the Oval, Jed walks over to the fireplace, grabs a lighter, and bends down for just a second. Faster than you can say "the Human Torch," there's a cheery glow coming out of the fireplace. Do you think there's a gas fireplace in the Oval Office? Or one of those instant logs you can buy at the grocery store? Because otherwise, I have no idea how you light a fire so quickly. Jed think that there are always rumors about Castro. C.J. tells Jed that NSA thinks the rumors might be a cover for something more, and Jed tells her, "That's exactly what Leo said." C.J. wants to know what the hell is going on. (Join the club, sister.) Jed apologizes for keeping C.J. in the dark, and then tells her that for the last year, they've been engaged in secret talks in Canada with representatives of the Cuban government, and that Leo has gone to Cuba to meet with Castro. C.J. wants to know what Castro has said, and Jed tells her that he's still waiting to find out. And then C.J. asks him if he'll bother to tell anyone else once he knows. And then Jed gets all pedantic and tells some bullshit story about JFK getting Pierre Salinger to buy him a bunch of Cuban cigars just before he announced the embargo of Cuba. And really, what did Pierre Salinger or JFK do to deserve getting their names dragged into this steaming pile of crap? Jed's story makes it clear that he thinks the embargo is anachronistic and should be thrown out. C.J. points out that if the talks become public, Cuban-American voters in Florida will freak out. They agree that this will cause problems for Democrats in the state. C.J. wonders if the country is ready, and Jed pretty much tells her that he doesn't care -- he's ready, and that's all that matters.

C.J. runs into Cliff in the hall. He asks her if she wanted to see him, and she responds, "I find that highly improbable." He tells her that he's been there three weeks, and asks her to take him off the bench. She tells him that someone named Senator Framhagen called the President, and that he's being passed down the food chain to Cliff. By now they've arrived at C.J.'s office. Cliff thinks it's pretty obvious why nobody else wanted to see Framhagen, because while he's "brilliant," he's also an asshole. And a big drunk. Hmmm. Based on how this episode is making me feel, I think I could play the part of Framhagen. And then C.J. sends Cliff off to meet with this charmer.

In the Mural Room, a guy in a plaid flannel shirt is examining the woodwork with the aid of a small flashlight while Charlie looks on. Mr. Flannel tells Charlie that they have all the signs of subterranean termites. And then we get some more of Mr. Sacret Young's genius dialogue, as Mr. Flannel says, "You know, these fellas outnumber us a thousand-to-one. Pile all them up, and all us up, ten times the weight of all the folks in the world." Let's see, a little quick math...divide by a thousand, multiply by ten...AAAARGH! Run! Giant one-pound termites! Flee for the hills before you drown in the rising tide of crappy writing! Mr. Flannel tells Charlie that the termites probably swarmed in through a crack he saw in a window outside that "weird round room [that] looks over the Rose Garden." Just in case we don't get the joke, Charlie points out that he's talking about the Office of O. Mr. Flannel is amazed at how many folks appeared when he approached the Oval. So security at the White House is approximately as good as it is at the Everson Art Museum in Syracuse? Got it. Mr. Flannel finds some evidence of termite infestation and he pulls out a small tool with which he seems to want to poke a hole in the wall. Or maybe he was just getting ready to club one of those one-pound termites. Charlie stops him before he does irreparable damage to the mural for which the Mural Room is named. Mr. Flannel asks Charlie how many rooms they've got, and seems surprised to hear that it's one-hundred-thirty-five. As Mr. Flannel grabs some tools from his case, he tells Charlie that if they decide there's a problem, he'll use some underground bait stations to destroy the colony. He revs up his drill and walks out of the room, with Charlie close behind. I don't want to spoil you, but week Charlie is going to work with the White House groundskeeper to go after a particularly clever gopher.

Cliff peeks through a partially open door, where he sees an assistant wake up Senator Framhagen to announce that Cliff is there. The assistant strikes me as particularly, I don't know, flouncy as she walks into the reception area and tells Cliff that the Senator will see him.

As Cliff walks in, Framhagen asks him what he'll drink, and Cliff tells him that he'll take a Diet Coke. Framhagen tells him that's a pansy-ass Georgia drink, and that in Florida they drink orange juice. The Senator apparently has some fresh juice flown in every week. Someone should tell him that you can buy it at the grocery store. Even in D.C. Framhagen is played by Brian Dennehy, by the way. I hope they paid him a shitload of money for this role, because he's certainly not in it for the artistic challenge. Framhagen offers to "inject" Cliff's drink with something if he'd like. Is he flirting? Framhagen seems a bit put off that the White House sent Cliff to meet with him. A woman comes in and puts a glass of O.J. in front of Cliff, and Framhagen asks her to freshen up his glass as well. As she leans across the desk to get his glass, Framhagen pretty much buries his face in her bosom. After she leaves, Framhagen tells Cliff that she's a "sashaying piece of pulchritude." He goes on to clarify that he's "talking about smart pulchritude around here." Framhagen asks Cliff if he knows why he's there, and it's pretty clear that he doesn't. Framhagen tells Cliff to go back to the White House and tell them they'd better send somebody who knows something about the Castro rumor. He starts reminiscing about how he could talk with Leo when he was Chief of Staff, apparently on the basis of the fact that they used to "bend [their] elbows together, right in this room, down home, back when." Over yonder, back in the day, over the river and through the woods. Framhagen mentions "that NSA gal," and Cliff repeats, "'Gal'?" It's a colloquial term for a woman, Cliff. Try to keep up. Framhagen says that a couple of years ago, when that "gal" was in Florida, "that would be some serious pulchritude. She's a buttoned-up babe now." Again, Cliff repeats, "'Babe'?" Somebody get this guy a slang dictionary. Cliff finally realizes that Framhagen is talking about Kate. Did he really think the Senator might be calling Nancy McNally a babe? I mean, she's hot, in that "I can destroy the planet before lunch" kind of way, but definitely not a babe. And then Framhagen tells Cliff that if the White House is contemplating softening the Cuba embargo, he'll make sure it goes nowhere. Cliff leaves the office. Commercials.

Margaret lets Cliff into C.J.'s office, where he talks about how awful his meeting with Framhagen was. C.J. asks what the Senator wanted, and Cliff tells her that he doesn't really know, but that it seemed to have to do with Castro and rumors about his health: "I gather he was wondering if the White House was behind it, or part of it, or up to something." Cliff tells C.J. that Framhagen suggested that he speak to Kate, and C.J. thinks that makes sense in light of the fact that she's the Deputy National Security Adviser. But Cliff thinks it's more than that: "The Senator just sort of indicated, between refills, something other than that...more." You mean that part where he kind of implied that he had carnal knowledge of her? C.J. calls out for Margaret to get Kate, and then Cliff asks if C.J. is sending him back to the bench. She tells him, "This is disgraceful. I'm actually starting to like you." As Cliff leaves, Margaret enters and tells C.J. that Kate is gone for the day. Man, it must be nice to have a job where you can leave whenever you feel like it. Oh wait, I have one of those. Never mind.