Shutdown

Shout-outs galore: attica finch, xii, and Sandman.

Amid more dramatic percussive sounds, the episode begins again at the point in last week's episode where Jed said "And I said no." Jed walks out. Leo tries to suppress his dumsquizzlement. Out in the hall, some woman (is that Bonnie? I haven't seen her in so long I can't tell) tells Will, who's standing in Josh's office, "Here they come." In his official role as timekeeper, Will checks his watch and says, "Six minutes. The meeting lasted six minutes. That's good, right?" Josh gets up and they all walk toward the lobby, where they walked Haffley and his grim-faced posse march out. Will helpfully comments, "Maybe not." Toby and Donna come over to Josh et al. from separate points, and Donna tells them what happened. Josh complains that Haffley's bluffing about 3%. Bingo Bob comes up and says, like a pissy teenager, "We'll never know because the President ended the meeting." He gets Will to come with him. Josh says, "It's only 8:30. We'll get a deal before midnight." Donna's doubtful. Toby says, "I'm gonna...." Josh: "Yeah." They take off.

Haffley, Royce, and the boys head for their limos. Royce mutters, "I hate November." Tell me about it, bub. (Somebody on my other show hates November, too. It's going around.) Haffley thinks it's great: "No, no. Christmas came early this year." He heads for the gaggle of reporters.

Leo and Angela bust into the Oval Office. Leo asks Jed if he'd like to talk about what just happened. Jed's packing up work to put into his briefcase, and says, "You were there. Make sure Nancy sees me in the morning about the IMETs to Indonesia. I don't want any training east of Kupang. Anything else?" Leo says they need a continuing resolution (CR) by midnight, or Angela will turn into a pumpkin. Jed hauls out a shirt/belt variation on the "give 'em an inch" saw. Angela says that they've got to get Haffley and his cronies back in. Jed looks at his watch, saying, "Not tonight. Damn, probably missed the first half." He hustles out through the portico door: "Providence is going to get a whooping from my Fighting Irish." As he disappears, Charlie comes in to ask if Jed's coming back, because Toby and Josh are there. Leo indicates that they should come in. Josh asks what happened, though he already knows. Angela tells him, though he already knows. Toby asks, "Now what?" Stone-faced, Leo says, "We shut it down." Lots! Of! Dramatic! Drumbeats! Credits!

Leo heads for the lobby, where everybody has gathered to yammer about the shutdown, and to place bets on which employees can remember where they live and which can't. Leo climbs up on an end table or something and says, "Listen up!" Margaret waves her arm in a futile semaphore. Charlie assists, "Hey, everybody, shut up!" Everybody complies. Then Dul Hill goes home, because his cleavage isn't nearly impressive enough for a sweeps episode about a budget crisis. (But don't worry! They've addressed that problem.) Leo tells them that, effective immediately, the government is shut down, and they have no operating budget. He says that everyone below Special Assistant or who is non-national security and public safety has to go home until further notice. He takes questions; of course, Donna's first. She asks how long he thinks it will last. Leo: "Hours, probably. Maybe a day." Margaret: "Maybe a couple [of] days?" Leo says maybe. Margaret: "Maybe a couple [of] weeks?" Leo: "It'll last as long as it lasts." He adds, "Listen, guys, I'm sorry."

We cut to C.J. and Toby passing behind the throng, asking if the Republicans are coming back tonight. Toby sure as hell hopes so. C.J. reads: "Amtrak, the courts, federal prisons, border patrol, National Weather Service, all open. And meat inspectors will remain on the job." Toby: "Nothing jeopardizes the sanctity of the American hamburger." Other than the occasional bout of E. coli. C.J. mentions that the suspension of 60% of EPA factory inspections is good news for polluters. As they reach her office, Toby says, "Sell me." C.J. asserts that the Speaker pulled a bait-and-switch situation, while Toby pretends to ask what's so unreasonable about 3%. C.J. doesn't have all the numbers she needs to explain how many flu shots or school lunches those cuts add up to. She hollers for Carol, who says she's going to need "a minute" because they just sent the researchers home: "And, um, we just sent me home, too." Toby says he'll get her the numbers. Maybe you want to get on that, Tobe. C.J. glances at Haffley, who's bloviating on CNN, and yelps, "He's on the front lawn?" Carol explains that he "wrangled" some reporters from their room. C.J. asks Toby if she should wait for Haffley to finish; Toby says that they need to start reclaiming some ground. C.J. hustles out, saying, "Okay, but I need some numbers fast! Maybe some garlic, and a crucifix!" Carol wonders what she should do. Toby tells her to go home. She starts sobbing, "I...I...I don't remember how to get home! I've been sleeping at my desk for forty-nine months..." Toby promises to show her how to use MapBlast right after he gets C.J. her numbers. I might be making some of that up. There might be a lot of that in this recap, because I was either bored or annoyed or both, a lot.

C.J. begins a press briefing with a handful of reporters. Katie's just about to leave, and C.J. tells her, "Katie, get back here." Katie obeys. She is so C.J.'s bitch. Wow, I remember saying Katie needed a new hairstyle -- she's sure got one. Her hair is much longer now, and all loose and wavy. She looks younger and more collegiate. It's cute, but perhaps not the most professional look. But she's print media anyway, right? What the heck. You should see what I look like right now. C.J. gives them the good news, which is that national security and public safety will not be affected. In other words, things will be exactly as fucked up on that front as they would if there were a budget.

Donna whines to Josh, "This is so unfair -- we're already understaffed!" She tells Josh that she cancelled some of his meetings that were scheduled for tomorrow. Josh says, "You do realize that you're not a Special Assistant?" Donna: "Thanks for reminding me." I bet he forgot to send her flowers on "You're a Very Special Assistant" Day, too. She keeps yattering about work matters, and Josh tells her, with a gleeful glint in his eye, that she has to go home. Donna: "Seriously?" She truly seems to have trouble grasping that she, in fact, is not indispensable. Donna: "So when Leo said 'everybody below Special Assistant'..." Josh: "He meant you."

Donna trots into Josh's office with a file box and announces which office supplies she's taking with her: "Stationery, a stapler, three pens of various colours, the budget files...." Stapler? Pens? She doesn't have such things at home? ["Maybe the ones she has at home are of inferior quality, because she's a non-Special Assistant on a tight stationery budget." -- Wing Chun] Josh asks, "Why don't you just take them on disk?" Donna replies, "Because I don't have a computer. Can I take a computer home?" Josh: "Not unless you want three federal agents trailing you home." Donna: "Do I get to pick which three?" You go, girl. First time around I thought, "She doesn't have a computer?" That just strikes me as implausible. Not because I think everybody in North America has one; it just seems to me that Donna would have one. Can't you just see her emailing cute forwards around, and trying out online dating services? These are things Donna would do. On the other hand, she's rarely home, so, I suppose there's not much point. But wouldn't she have a laptop at the office? I dunno. Josh insists that he can survive for a day. I note that he doesn't commit to much more than that. Donna wonders if that's how long it will last. Josh: "Okay, take my laptop. Start a tally of programs affected by the shutdown and email it to me as you go." He starts to hand her the laptop, saying, "Don't read anything in the folder marked 'Private.'" Donna just looks at him blankly, and he turns around, saying, "Don't take my laptop." I suppose that file is where he keeps all his farm-animal porn and poems about Amy's toes and his diary entry about that one drunken night with Sam. Besides, Donna's already read through it anyway, Josh. You sure are nave. Will appears, "You coming? War room." He zips off. Donna asks: "What's happening?" Josh says, "You remember when we went to Atlantic City?" She says, "We never went to Atlantic City." Josh: "You remember when I went to Atlantic City and I came back complaining that all the pro poker players suck all the fun out of the game: no cigars, no pizza or canned beer?" Donna says he played one hand. Josh: "Those guys? They bet the bank when they have a good hand. And you either fold or you go in all the way with them. I think the President's gonna stay in." Donna asks, "And how good is Haffley?" As Josh heads for the war room, he says, "He's better than anyone we've seen on the other side of the table in a long time."

There's another severe outbreak of Titlecardiosis (tm attica finch) in this episode. We see Haffley, Royce and some other members of their posse, but just in case you keep falling asleep or something, we are informed that this is the "Republican War Room." Haffley, watching C.J. on TV, says, "I figured they'd negotiate us down to two [percent], but a shutdown? They're not ready for this." The only woman in the room asks, "Are we?" Haffley says that Bartlet's the one who shut down the government, not the Republicans. Royce returns, saying that it took him a while to figure out how to unjam the copier. He says that if they can agree on 2%, they can pass a CR tonight. Haffley wonders, "Why would we? He thinks people want his big government. Let's show them how well Americans can get by without the Deputy Director of Regulatory Intrusion." He rolls up his sleeves. Royce seems confident that the White House will call before the deadline: "They won't want it to drag on." The woman asks if Royce has spoken to Russell. Royce says he hasn't yet, but that's who'll be used as a go-between. Haffley says it doesn't matter who calls as long as they blink first. Another guy says, "In the meantime, we've got Congressmen looking for toner cartridges, and I've got 35,000 federal employees in my district out of work." Haffley tells him to work the media and make sure everyone knows whom to blame. He sits down. Royce just nods to himself, but not in the agreement way so much as, "Yeah, this chucklehead's going to screw us for sure."

Angela hauls a big pile of files into the Roosevelt Room, where Leo, Toby, and Josh are. Title card: "White House War Room." How I wish I were kidding. This is a show that once credited viewers with being able to handle an unsubtitled Latin rant. Now we're at the point where I wonder if they'll need to tattoo "POTUS" on Martin Sheen's forehead, just so we don't accidentally mix him up with Charlie. Maybe everyone could wear team shirts or something so we can follow what's going on. They yatter about a bunch of meetings and so forth that were supposed to take place tomorrow. Leo tells Josh not to cancel the NAACP address tomorrow, because Angela thinks they'll still come to an agreement tonight. Angela thinks Haffley would have settled on 2%: "It's probably still available." Leo: "And tomorrow?" Angela says it depends on how it plays in the morning papers. Will's there now. Josh bursts out, "We have to call Haffley out for what he is really doing. It's a coup. He's trying to defund every Bartlet initiative we've passed in the last two years." Leo says that POTUS has a full schedule tomorrow, and asks Josh to go make sure everyone knows he intends to keep to it. Josh makes a weird face I can't quite read, but he looks sort of chastised. Leo asks Toby, "Can we downplay this to the press?" Toby says that's what Haffley wants: "Nine hundred and forty thousand federal employees out of work, but we say, 'No worries. Doesn't matter.'"

Josh leaves, and the camera follows him into the hall as Will says, "I may be having some kind of mental logjam, but why did the President snap?" Leo explains, "Angela had the thing wired, and Haffley tried to roll us. It was a mugging." Will replies, "But it's also a negotiation. You don't shoot a duck for quacking." That depends. Am I trying to sleep? The camera starts following C.J. instead of Josh as Leo asks Will, "Are you speaking for the Vice-President?" Will: "The quacking thing kind of gives it away, doesn't it?" C.J. enters the War Room -- that's the White House War Room, remember, which is the Democrats and the Bartlet Administration, in case you got confused or nodded off or something -- and says, "Help." Leo tells her not to go out there again until morning. C.J.: "Okay, but the enemy's advancing and you better give me more than a squirt gun before the sun comes up." Will says, "We need some coffee. Anybody know where we can get coffee?" Toby points out that the Mess is closed. C.J. tells Will that Starbucks is closed, and suggests that he try someplace called Swing's or Swain's or something. Will trots off. C.J. mentions some big state dinner in honour of the British Prime Minister's upcoming visit. It's not for four days, but obviously it requires a fair bit of work and planning in advance. Leo says that Josh can handle it. Toby says that they can put together a strategy, but that there's not much else they can do until a deal's signed. Angela says to Leo, "You have to talk the President down off the ledge tonight. If I go back and hammer out a deal at two percent, he has to sign it." Leo says nothing; he just looks pained. I guess it would be painful to have aliens inhabiting your body. What the hell happened to the Leo McGarry who used to be the power behind the Presidency?

Leo goes to the Residence and finds Jed absorbed in the game. Jed invites him to sit. Leo asks the score. Jed: "Doesn't matter. The game is won or lost in the last five minutes." Leo: "So the Irish are down." Jed shoots Leo a look. Leo carefully says, "Sir, I've got Angela running the War Room, but we don't have a lot of support, inside or outside the building." Jed keeps eating, his eyes glued to the game. Leo says that Angela feels she can get a deal at 2%. Jed calmly says, "I took his Vice-President. I dropped my stimulus package, my college tuition tax credit, and now we're haggling not over the budget, but how much to cut from last year's...." Leo says, "It's a bad deal. A bad week. A bad year. But our approval's in the thirties and we're outta allies on the Hill." Leo urges Jed just to make a deal at 2% tonight so they can get past this budget cycle and get back on message: "Be bold at the State of the Union, take back Congress...." Jed complains about how his team is playing. Leo can see he's not getting anywhere. Leo says, "It's not always enough to be right, sir." Actually, it hardly ever seems to be enough. Gosh, it's just like Oprah's always saying: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to have peace?" Why do I have to choose? Jed just looks at Leo. Leo stares back. Jed goes on eating. Boy, I guess if you don't know what to have characters say, you should just have them exchange lots of significant glances and looks. Pretty soon the "talkiest damn show on television" (tm me) will just be mime. Then again, if you've got nothing interesting or intelligent to say, it's just as well to shut it. Jed goes back to watching the game.

When we return after the commercials, the camera's on a TV monitor (which informs us that it's "Day Two," thereby saving us from another title card) and some little kid with an extremely irritating voice snots that they drove all the way to Washington to see the Smithsonian and her grandmother and now they're only going to see the grandmother. When you do, I hope Grandma kicks your whiny little ass. We cut to C.J. and Leo coming in -- wait! There's the title card. Day Two. Again, no need to pay any attention whatsoever. Your viewing experience will be fully supported with small words and visual aids. Leo asks how the press reacted to C.J.'s closing the Briefing Room. C.J. -- who's wearing a girlish short A-line skirt with a cardigan set (the outfit she wore in "The Long Goodbye") -- says it hasn't made her any new friends in the media. Leo says that this will be won or lost by how it plays on TV. C.J. says, "They're blaming us." Their opponents are being painted as "Scrooge denying the needy," while the Democrats are being portrayed as addicted to spending: "Both our negatives are up, but ours more. You see Newsweek?" Leo says it beats the cover of Time, which Leo waves around. They reach his office as C.J. says that 193,000 veterans can't get their home loans processed: "We can't be doing this over the holiday." Leo says they won't be, as he dumps the copy of Time on his desk, and we see a cover featuring Haffley and the headline, "THE NEW BOSS?" C.J. wonders what the plan is. Leo indicates that there isn't a plan. Bingo Bob sticks his head in and asks for a minute. C.J. leaves, and Leo flips the magazine over before Bob gets to his desk. Bob asks how Jed's doing; Leo says he's fighting a cold. Bob wonders if it's time for him to talk to a few of his former colleagues in the House; Leo says, "Not yet." Bob runs down his Republican connections: "I served on Energy with Haffley. I sang in the Congressional Quartet with the Majority Whip. I've gotten drunk on fact-finding trips with most of the guys...." Leo interrupts to say that they can't send mixed signals. Bob says that if the White House is waiting for Haffley to call, they've misjudged their man. Leo says that POTUS will decide the terms. Bob: "No, he won't! Like it or not, we have a Republican Congress. They get to write the budget. The President only gets to edit it a bit. You want to blame someone, call James Madison." Leo thanks him for the history lesson: "I'll be sure to pass it on to the President." Bob leaves, with the following words of wisdom: "You know what they call a leader with no followers? Just a guy taking a walk." Leo pretends to ponder that.

C.J. and Toby are working the War Room when a woman we've never seen before comes in with a big plastic garbage bag and starts clearing the table. She's pretty, with long, wavy dark hair, and is wearing a tight-fitting, low-cut green top that shows off her considerable chest, and a swingy black miniskirt. I wish I were making this up. The outfit is much more what you'd expect to see on someone going out to a dance club than working in the White House, never mind on somebody pinch-hitting as janitorial staff. So, here's your sweeps T&A. I think it's guaranteed by the Constitution. As she picks up the coffee cups and takeout containers the senior staff members are obviously too ill-bred to deposit into a rubbish receptacle by their own selves, she notices what Toby's doing (ripping things out of newspapers) and asks if he needs any help with that. She explains that she used to compile clippings over at Energy. He says he's got it under control. She sashays over near Will, and as she leans past him to pick up some more garbage, her breasts sufficiently disturb his field of vision that he apologizes, saying, "We should have cleaned up the moo shu yesterday." Damn right you should have. She tells him pleasantly that it's not a problem. Leo comes in and asks where they are. Toby starts talking about the poll, but the mystery garbage collector interrupts to ask if any of them knows where the Dumpsters are. Good lord, they can't even get their garbage to a receptacle in the same room, and she thinks they might know the location of Dumpsters? Everyone, as I expected, looks blank. She says she'll figure it out. As she leaves, Leo whispers, "Who's that?" I think I'll call her Bounty, until we find out her actual name, since she's the Quicker Picker-Upper (tm Sandman). Toby whispers, "A walking lawsuit." You know, there's more than one way to take that, and none of the ways I can think of don't bug me. C.J. asks what's going on with the State Dinner; Leo says it's still on. C.J. says, "Except we don't have food, chefs, or help." Leo says that Josh is coordinating with the British, and that the White House still has one more day before having to make the call. Angela arrives, and Leo asks how it went with the Minority Leader. Angela replies, "I got the House Dems for one more day, but she's threatening to cut bait." Will says, "If we lose her, the House Dems will start lobbying the Speaker instead of us for table scraps." Toby: "Then Haffley is running the government." Leo says today is the day: "Work the VP and the Minority Leader, and contact Haffley. Make sure we can still get a deal at three percent." Will wants to know what happened to two percent. Leo says, "Twelve hours passed, that's what happened." Boy, I don't care for C.J.'s hair all stick-straight in this particular cut. It's not flattering her face. Leo says, "Tell the Speaker we're taking their temperature, but the President isn't involved yet." Toby: "And that has the rare quality of also being true." Leo wants a CR by the close of business.

Haffley and his posse are walking through the halls talking about how they're going to get a CR today. Royce says that POTUS isn't on board; Haffley says that's just a tactic. He also suggests that they'd swallow a 5% cut at this point: "But we're going to be magnanimous." Don't hurt yourselves. Doctors advise warming up before performing strenuous activities. Royce says, "We're only $50 billion apart on the final budget. Why don't I call Russell, suggest we skip the continuing resolution, and cut a budget deal?" Haffley says they can get a much better deal on the budget if they get the CR first. Royce complains, "They caved, we won. How much more leverage do we need before we start governing again?" Haffley insists that they are governing: "We're slowing the rate of federal spending increases. We're stopping the President from driving this country deeper into debt and leaving our children to pay for it. We're doing what we told the voters we would do if they elected us." As they turn down another hallway, someone remarks, "Cover of Time, huh?" That was a well-lit scene. Should I read anything into it if the Republicans are well-lit and the Democrats grope around in murky shadows?

Jed: "No!" He's in the Residence with Leo, who's trying to convince him to accept a CR at 3%. Jed says, "One percent, like we'd agreed." Leo says that they're not going to get that: "We need to get past this, focus on the future. House Democrats aren't going to stick. They have to head home for the holidays and defend why we've shut down the federal government." Jed refuses to consider it. Leo: "Sir...you're putting all our chips down on a single hand we can't win." Just for one day, I'd like to experience North American culture without sports and games references. Bet it'd be peaceful. Jed bangs his fist on the desk, rips his glasses off, and says, "We had a deal, Leo."

Bounty gets to Josh's office just as the bulb in his desk lamp burns out. That seems to keep him from noticing her. He's eating something, and when Bounty asks if he needs a new bulb, he nearly chokes. He says, "Uh, yeah. Sure. Thanks." He studies her and says, "Rina, right?" She says, "Yeah, it's short for Marina." Josh asks, "Are you Greek?" She says, "No, I was born on a boat." Somehow that line just came out really weird. Josh asks her, as he dials his cell phone, "How'd you get here?" She says, "Bus." He's actually wondering why she wasn't laid off like everyone else. She shrugs, "Oh, my program wasn't affected." Huh? Then shouldn't you be doing that work? What is she, a Republican spy? Surely she's not just the thinnest excuse in history for some T&A. She tells Josh, referring to the bulb, "I'll see what I can scrounge up." Good luck finding light bulbs in this place, lady. You're gonna need it. She gives him a flirtatious smile, and sashays out, swinging her booty.

Donna's in a bar somewhere, and answers her cell phone, "Josh Lyman's office." Josh asks where she is; she says she's at a shutdown party. Josh wants to talk about the list of shutdown effects she faxed. Before he can say more, she assures him that the one about the elks overpopulating is true: "They stopped issuing hunting licenses." He asks why she put Social Security on the list: "It's an entitlement." Donna explains that the people who run the machines that cut the cheques were sent home, and the cheques won't go out unless they get a GAO ruling to bring those workers back in. Donna asks what counsel said about "the other thing." Josh: "It's considered coercion if you come back to work as a volunteer." Donna retorts, "Oh, but it's not coercion to work on a cell phone and run to Kinko's every ten minutes to send you faxes and emails?" Josh makes himself some coffee (he may be the only senior staffer this self-sufficient -- way to go, Ma & Pa Lyman) while in the background, Marina Lewinsky indicates that she found a bulb. Josh: "The AARP considers you essential." Donna asks, "When do you think I'll get my essential paycheque? Rent's due the end of the month." Josh says he'll lend her money. Donna: "Yeah, but wouldn't that just be emblematic of all these stopgap continuing resolutions? Taking out a loan, begging for an extension rather than grappling with the hard reality of...." Yeah, I'll bet your landlord really gives a flying shit about all of that. Josh: "You're right. Get a cheaper apartment." Just live at the Y. You're never home. She says she wants to come in and do her job. Josh: "Tell me about it." Donna: "Stop being a baby and just go! Leo's not going to send you an engraved invitation." Josh: "I don't need calligraphy. He knows where my office is." Donna can't argue that. She hangs up.

Will, Toby, and C.J. are in the War Room. ["Dude. Which one? I don't get it!" -- Wing Chun] Will says that Social Security is an entitlement, as Toby selects a pizza slice. C.J. says it's one way to make the shutdown seem real: don't mail 11,000,000 cheques. Will says if they let this happen it will be catastrophic. Toby: "FDR will rise from the dead?" If he does, I hope he kicks the sorry ass of each person in this building. Will paints a dire picture of geezers marching on Washington and rioting in the streets. Toby says Josh is taking care of it. Leo and Angela come in, announcing that they still have the offer; the Republicans are holding at 3%. Will asks if POTUS will accept he. Leo says he has to. Toby: "Yeah, but will he?" Leo says, "Desperate times call for desperate measures." Pause. "I made a call." He looks ominous. Will: "To who?" Toby and C.J. exchange significant glances, chewing their pizza slowly. Will: "Who? Who'd he call?" Oh, lord.

More dramatic music as we see a limousine door open and watch the reflection, in the door, of a mysterious black-clad figure going into the building. Then we see a shot of the person's torso walking through the halls. The suspense is boring me silly. Finally we see her walking into the hallway near the Roosevelt Room. It's Abby, of course. Hands up, everybody who thought it would be somebody other than Abby. Yeah, that's what I thought. (Hands up, everybody who wishes it were Ainsley instead. Cripes, I'm even on the point of wishing that.) Abby struts into the Roosevelt Room (pardon me, the War Room -- I have such trouble keeping things straight without flash cards) and demands to know, "What the hell have you all been doing down here while I've been gone?" Stockard Channing often reminds me of Elizabeth Taylor (sort of middle-era, '70s/'80s Taylor) and it's true here. It's not always in a good way, either. The staffers all stand there like nervous schoolchildren.

God help me, this isn't even half over. How is that possible? Anyway, cut to Jed in the First Kitchen making himself a peanut butter and jelly sammich. On white bread. He oughta know better. From the doorway, Abby says, "A bit desperate, Jed. Shutting down the government just to get me back here." Jed, trying not to appear too delighted, "Apparently it worked." Now Abby's hair looks like a fur hat that someone sat against on the couch. Honestly, I'm sure you all think I have it in for Stockard Channing, but it's only because I know she's incredibly capable of looking gorgeous that I keep mentioning it. Go on -- go rent The Business of Strangers and tell me she doesn't look absolutely fabulous in that. Here, I like her outfit at least: dark turtleneck, straight tweedy skirt, spike-heeled boots. She complains about what he's eating for dinner; he tells her that the Mess is closed. Aw, I can't believe Ren isn't considered essential. Jed says that when the PB&J is gone, he'll have to start in on the grandkids' elbow macaroni. Abby says he sounds stuffy, as she gets some yogourt out of the fridge. He gives her the line everybody's using, about something going around. What, a coke habit? Take some decongestant for pity's sake. He mentions that her motorcade arrived an hour ago and asks where she's been. Abby replies, "Downstairs...in your war room." Jed: "Oh?" Abby: "Which I noticed you were not in. What happened -- lose your temper?" Jed says that Haffley reneged. Abby: "So...now you're just sitting up here...waiting for what, exactly? Your staff wants to bring you an offer." Jed looks up: "Haffley came to us with a deal?" Abby gives him a guilty look. Jed slams the counter and says, "Dammit, I told Leo 'no!' Did he go ahead and contact the leadership?" Abby: "Don't be so melodramatic. They don't understand what you want them to do. Do you know what you want them to do?" Jed yells, "I want them to stop acting like pod people!" No, that's just me being silly again. Jed comes over to the table where she's sitting, with his sammich, and asks, "You staying through the holidays?" She says, "It depends how long it takes to get your damn government back up and running." Well, God knows the process should be smoother now that Abby's here. Whatever. Jed takes a bite, and I think how funny it would be if his mouth got stuck and he couldn't talk. Then I think how funny it would be if anything were actually funny, and then I become quite sad. Abby asks him: "Where's Josh?" Jed chews more slowly and looks at her. So, apparently, not only are we not going to get an explanation of how Leo even got Abby to listen to him, much less do his bidding, but it just seems like the ice between her and Jed has magically thawed. Whew. Glad the writers didn't trouble themselves to explain any of that. Why waste valuable time on character development when we could be staring at people sitting around in a hallway while Republicans dither over whether to wear heels or flats and tectonic plates shift? But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Leo makes his way to Josh's office as phones ring and ring. When he gets to Josh's door, he says, "The President wants you back in the War Room." Josh looks up, pallid and grave. Leo takes off. Josh grabs his jacket. Has Brad Whitford dyed his hair or something? It looks so dark in this scene, and it makes him look all the paler by comparison. Donna's starting to look like George Hamilton to Josh. He follows Leo down the hall as the Music of Now I'll Show These Fools Who They Put In The Doghouse plays.

More disgruntled citizens complaining to TV news, which informs us that it's Day Three. Which the title cards also do. C.J. tells Toby that she's heading outside for the briefing, and asks if there's anything new. Toby says that another poll shows Bartlet's down another six points. C.J. thinks she might not mention that, and asks if Josh is "still in there with Angela and Leo." Toby: "Round twelve, or maybe it's thirteen -- I've lost count." C.J. says they've all been assuming this is due to POTUS's being out of it secondary to Zoey's abduction, and they've all been protecting him: "What if it's something else?" Toby insists that it's not. C.J. persists: "But what if it is?" Toby replies: "The Republicans have us and they know it. He and Josh are the only ones who don't. Okay, it's something else...like what?" C.J.: "Leadership." You can see how they might have forgotten what the hell that looks like.

Toby goes into the War Room and finds Josh and Angela arguing over the percentages. They all bitch and argue. Josh says they can use Royce. Will says, "Royce isn't going to take on Haffley, and Haffley's convinced they've already won." Josh yelps, "Only because we blinked!" Leo: "Of course we blinked! We lost all meaningful support in Congress! And the public is blaming this mess on us. The President is going to be down here any minute, Josh. I need unanimity. This is the come to Jesus meeting." Oh no, you don't. I got one show about politics and one about religion and y'all just better stay in your corners. Leave Jesus out of it. Whoops! POTUS is already there, and heard that. He comes in asking, "Who's coming to Jesus, Leo, you or me?" He comes in and says, "Three percent. Sixty days." Angela claims it's a gift. Jed asks Toby's opinion, which is, "People are frustrated with both parties. It's a plague on both our houses." Yeah, way to bring the Shakespeare. Except not. You know, this scene is adequately lit, but it seems the tradeoff is the ShakyCam. I guess it's true that you can't have everything. What a crushing blow to my optimism. Leo says they gave it three days to turn in their favour, and it didn't. Jed asks for Josh's input. He looks like a shamed schoolboy, and glances at Leo before saying anything. Leo just stares back grimly. Josh asks: "What do you want, Mr. President?" Jed wants to govern. Angela says that their bargaining position is getting weaker every day, and reminds them that the Republicans are waiting for a response to the deal that's on the table. Josh suddenly suggests, "Let's go up to the Hill and see them." Toby pooh-poohs that: "We'll look even more desperate." Josh argues, "The country's waiting for someone to step up. It should be us." Leo claims going to Haffley's office will set a dangerous precedent. You can tell Jed likes the way Josh thinks, though. He says, "Let's go." Leo reminds him, "You have a video conference with Admiral Vadney and PACOM at 5." Jed: "Then I suggest we get a move on." Josh and Jed are out of the room when Angela says, "They're leaving." Leo tells her, "Go!"

C.J.'s holding a press briefing outside. A reporter named Charlayne asks about compromises. C.J. reiterates talks are ongoing, even if formal negotiations are not. Charlayne: "So you're talking about talking?" Isn't that one of government's strengths? C.J. says they're talking about negotiating. George asks whether the state dinner's going to be cancelled; C.J. replies, "I certainly hope not -- I bought a shiny new Donna Karan and I'll be very disappointed if it has to stay in my closet." I would just like to know when she finds time to be a clotheshorse. Mark complains about the cold, and wants C.J. to open the press room. C.J.'s cell is ringing, but Charlayne has one more question, about where POTUS and the British PM will be dining. C.J.: "I don't know -- IHOP?" She walks away to take her call, which is from Josh. He's calling from the limo: "Get back to the press corps. POTUS is going up to the Hill. We're going to pay a surprise visit to Haffley." C.J. doesn't say anything at first, and Josh asks if she heard him. With a small smile, she says, "Okay, I got it."

Sirens blare as the motorcade moves along. Josh and Angela argue about this strategy; Josh says Haffley's in over his head. Angela says, "Everything this guy has done has taken us by surprise." Josh: "And nothing we have done has surprised him." Well, I don't really think he thought Jed would go through with a shutdown. Suddenly, Jed hollers, "Stop the car, please!" Angela and Josh aren't sure why they're stopping, but Jed says, "Kansas plates. That's a long way to travel to find a 'closed' sign." Jed gets out of the car and walks over to a gaggle of tourists on the sidewalk, who are very pleased and excited to see him. I'll bet the Secret Service adores these impromptu gladhanding sessions with the plebes. Josh and Angela stand on the sidewalk, watching. She says, "They'll have a few things to talk about when they get home." Josh's cell rings; it's C.J., wondering if they're on the Hill yet. Josh tells her what's going on. C.J.: "The President's talking to tourists?" Josh: "Yeah, the bus says 'Kansas' -- Blue Jays, Jayhawks, whatever the hell you call it." C.J. excitedly tells him, as she reaches her office, "You wait another thirty seconds and he'll also be addressing NBC, ABC, and CNN." Josh thanks her. Josh suddenly looks down the street toward the Capitol, and asks Angela, "How long a walk do you think it is to Haffley's office?" She says it's five or ten minutes. Josh: "The Secret Service is gonna love this." Josh walks over to Jed, who's telling the tourists about some rehabilitation centre in their area which he visited during the campaign: "It's closed today, too, because of the shutdown. But if Congress has their way, they'll lose 40% of their funding. I'd rather see it shut down for a week than for good." Josh pulls Jed away and suggests that they walk to the Capitol. Jed gets a happy look on his face that seems more Martin Sheen than Jed Bartlet -- you know Marty loves a good march on Washington. He turns and waves goodbye to the tourists; one of them urges him, "You go get 'em, Mr. President!" Jed turns to an agent named Randy and says, "What do you say we walk the rest of the way?" Randy, to his credit, does not roll his eyes; he just says, "Yes, sir." As they all set off, Randy calls for additional coverage: "POTUS is on foot." Angela tells Josh she should have worn different shoes. Man, with all the pedeconferencing and racing around that goes on in the West Wing, I would have thought she'd have already come to that conclusion. The motorcade moves slowly alongside the Presidential procession.

Day Four. Haffley and his horde are watching TV coverage of the stunt. A fragment of one commentator's remarks: "...marched to the Capitol while Republicans cowered in the Speaker's office." Some other guy says he has to ask why he was walking. The woman goes on to explain about Bartlet and the tourists and how they ended up seeing the grandeur they came for. Oy. The other guy says it was a "beautiful, symbolic, crowd-pleasing stunt." He adds that the Speaker made a huge tactical error by refusing to meet POTUS. Royce says he'll call Russell. Haffley snots, "This doesn't change anything. We still get our budget, our cap-gains cut." Royce: "You better hope so."

Abby catches up with C.J. as she's on the way to her morning briefing. Abby asks C.J. to tell the press the following: "'The First Lady's making chicken. Tonight's state dinner will be just the British Prime Minister and his wife joining us in the Residence. Coronation Chicken, the Queen's own recipe.' Thought someone in the pool might want to watch me dress a nice bird." Maybe she could start with Marina. C.J. takes the paper from Abby and says, "Yes, ma'am." As they split, C.J. tells her, "It's good to have you back."

Outside, C.J. tells the gaggle, "The Bartlets will also be serving their guests a Colorado beet salad, and California green beans." What, is Oregon refusing to provide beans to D.C.? Mark asks if C.J. attributes the slight overnight increase in the President's approval rating to his visit to the Hill. C.J. attributes it to POTUS's sincere desire to reach an agreement.

Inside, Marina the human screensaver (tm xii) is back at it again, picking up garbage in the Roosevelt Room. Hey, is she mixing the recyclables with the regular garbage? What sort of example does that set for all the little girls who want to grow up to be sweeps T&A? Today, she's wearing a clingy, low-cut wrap top in a busy brown and white pattern. I'll just point out, for the benefit of those who don't read spoilers, that apparently the earlier names for this character were "Dizzy" and "Cricket." Knowing about "Dizzy" alone makes me want to give this episode an F. And if it weren't for the idiotic introduction of this character, this episode would have done a little better than a D. But not much. Toby comes in and Marina apologizes, saying she was just trying to clean up in there. Toby's fine with that. She looks at what's on a whiteboard and asks, "AmeriCorps...that's that program where they pay you to volunteer, right?" Then there's an inane discussion about the distinction between paid work and volunteering, and the fact that the program is over budget. She wishes her bank would let her do that. Giggle. Toby explains that that is a testament to the program's success. Marina comments, "Two-hundred-billion-dollar deficit: you guys must have a lot of really successful programs." Toby says, "Those people should get combat pay. They go into inner cities to teach children with no parents, work in soup kitchens, try to get addicts off the streets...." Marina nods, and says, "You're Toby Ziegler, right?" He just looks at her. She continues, "It would be great if you could write me a recommendation for my personnel file." It would be great if you could do something to justify such a request, never mind justify Toby bothering. On what possible basis is he supposed to write a recommendation? "To Whom It May Concern: Well, she can pick up trash and swing her butt like nobody's business. Please consider her to replace Judge Roy Ashland as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court." The hell? Marina bounces out, and Toby just stares after her. Why do I have the sick feeling, despite the lack of any substantive purpose for her in this episode, that Marina's going to be a character on the show? God knows we need another one. Maybe that's what Toby's big researcher crisis is about. ["Maybe they need gender parity among useless interns, and she's been twinned with Swimtern." -- Wing Chun] Josh enters from another doorway, and then Leo, Angela, and Will enter from the opposite side. Leo says, "Royce isn't coming." Will announces, "He told the Vice-President it would be more productive if Haffley met with the President one-on-one." Toby asks what they're offering; Angela doesn't know but says Haffley isn't going to just surrender. She asks Leo, "Is the President up for this?" Leo doesn't know. Remember when Leo used to know practically everything, and he always knew what to do? Yeah, I can barely remember either.