Constituency Of One

Props to thel222.

Good news, folks: you can actually see this episode. Maybe GE gave the producers a corporate discount on some lighting. Other good news: some funny lines, and the episode is actually about politics and the staff. Also, Laura Innes directed. Maybe they can get her for every episode. It's not like they're making full use of her considerable talents on ER, though God knows I enjoy hearing her call Romano her "bitch."

It's late, and Toby and Will are arguing over the three-month message calendar Toby's been working on. Will think there should be some attention given to the President's economic accomplishments; Toby seems to think that's best avoided since they're losing jobs, and business gets credit for creating jobs anyway, not government: "You don't want people saying, 'Hey, thanks for the nine million jobs; I've got three of them, and I can't make my house payments.'" Will asks why there are no events on Fridays; Toby brings up the familiar cant about how no one watches the Friday news and no one reads the Saturday paper. I don't know about anyone else, but I read the paper every day, Saturday included. I only have the time to read it properly on the weekend. Will thinks he knows some assignment editors who'd resent Toby's comments, but Toby's insistent. Will says that Toby doesn't need his help, and wearily says that he's going to go home. He plops down on Toby's sofa. Toby studies the big calendar and says, "This is how we get past crisis-of-the-hour: seize the agenda again." Will: "As it is, I'm going to have nightmares about colour-coded six-day weeks with no accomplishments." Toby says he needs to learn this. Will: "I need to see my bed! In fact, I'm thinking about carrying a picture of it in my wallet." Heh. He gets paged. Toby gripes that they've barely had a message since the campaign, never mind since the abduction. Well, considering that the message during the campaign was "Bartlet smart, Writchie...not so much," I'd say the problem goes back to sometime before the campaign. Toby tells Will that this is his life for the three months, as he pulls on his jacket to leave. Will asks if the extension he got paged with, 7431, is in the OEOB. Why mention that? It seems unnecessary. We're going to find out within moments who paged him, and it doesn't add anything to the plot here. If it tipped Toby off, then I could see it. But Toby seems oblivious. He says he'll drop Will in Dupont Circle. As they walk out, Toby says that politics isn't about past performance: "It's about, 'What have you done for me lately, and where's my year's supply of Turtle Wax?'" "Turtle Wax"? Will gets paged again, and says he had better return the call, as he goes back into the bullpen. Toby says, "It's someone looking for one of your nine million jobs!" Actually, it's someone calling about Job # 9,000,001. Will says he'll see Toby tomorrow.

, we see Will walking through a fairly deserted hallway with an excellent black and white checkerboard floor. An attractive young woman crosses his path walking out of an office, carrying a large framed picture. She lowers the picture, sees him, and asks, "Are you Will Bailey?" Will: "I could be." He quickly adds -- probably figuring now is the not the time for weak flirtation -- "I mean, yes." Some other woman comes through at that point saying, "He's the one who elected the dead guy." Will says the candidate did the hard part: "Dying." The woman asks, "Is that a joke?" Will says it's not really, and asks if he's in the right place.

We hear "Bingo" Bob's voice from the office behind Will, greeting him. He invites Will into his office -- which is pretty dark despite lamps and sconces on all over the place -- and asks what he'd like to drink. Will asks for "anything with caffeine," and begins apologizing again for the announcement-speech hijinks. Bob shrugs it off, saying he admires speechwriters for having to have the tendency to doubt and the capacity to believe in equal measure. Will wonders why he's there. Bob: "You're the President's voice; you don't think I have an interest in that?" Will doesn't -- not at 12:15 AM on a weeknight. Bob says he has to work longer hours, since he's playing with a handicap. Since when is leaving before the bars close considered "longer hours" around here? Get with the program, cowboy. Bob elaborates: "Spare tire on the automobile of government. Heartbeat away from having a heartbeat. The story of the two brothers." Josh doesn't know what he's referring to. Bob: "One went to sea; one became Vice-President. Neither was heard from again." Josh says that's a new one. Bob thinks he may need more help than Horton Wilder. Will still hasn't cottoned to what's going on, so Bob spells it out: "I'd like you to be my Communications Director. First senior-level hire in the White House." Will's flattered, of course. Bob accuses Will of not thinking Bob's enough of a politician. Will didn't say that. Well, you didn't have to; he read your speech, dude. Bob dredges up some sports metaphor, the point of which is that a coach decides to work with the player who needs more help with his form because...oh, who cares. Bob knows he's not the best politician, but he's VPOTUS: "Imagine what we could do when you teach me the right form." Will says he's a special assistant to the President. Bob's offer: "Chief strategist and senior counsellor to the Vice-President." Will asks: "Are we playing poker?" Bob: "I'm showing you my hand." Will says Bob's looking for his own Toby Ziegler. Well, who isn't, really? Bob says, "I'm looking for someone who can beat Toby to first." Will politely refuses and starts to leave. Bob, not easily deterred: "I like loyalty, Will. I respect loyalty. But you can run out the clock on a Bartlet Presidency that, politically speaking, is over. You can finish something that you never started in the first place. You can run around those little hallways until Toby turns out the lights. Or you can shape the Presidency from the ground up. Total access. Coach of the team. 'Course, I understand if you're not interested." Will doesn't say anything, but Bob's definitely got his attention. Take the job, dude. You know it's probably a shrewd career move. What political future can you have with the Bartlet administration? And you can take all the Laurens with you! Credits.

Josh arrives at work, as the morning papers are being delivered, to find a story in the Post about him: "The 101st Senator: Bartlet's Point Man on Capitol Hill." Josh walks down the hall engrossed in the article as Donna approaches him, asking if he's read it. Josh claims he's not reading, but comments, "There's some new stuff since the early edition." Donna says it's a great piece. Josh: "It's a puff piece so I'll return the reporter's calls, which I won't." They're updating stuff in a puff piece in subsequent editions? Donna reads excerpts from the article: "'A one-man Congressional majority'; 'Bartlet's legislative juggernaut.'" Josh says it's embarrassing, and that they should be stealing everyone's copies before they read them. His protests ring a little hollow, especially when he adds, "Save one for my mom." This is the season the powers that be finally cast Barbara Barrie as Josh's mother. I can just feel it in my bones. No longer will I be denied! Donna says, "She'll be proud of her little birthday boy." Aw, happy birthday, Josh! Josh is all "no gifts, no parties," please. He wants it to be just another day. Yeah, good luck with that. Donna asks, "Coffee and a...?" Josh: "Yeah, with a...thing." Donna has started telling him what he has to do when she notices Josh is not wearing a tie. She produces one out of thin air and drapes it across his shoulder. At least someone has the sense to keep some extra clothes at the office. C.J.'s always sending staff home to rummage through her closets. I'll bet they try on her stuff, too. Josh is still engrossed in the puff piece when Donna remarks, "Like your suit, though. Liked it when you wore it yesterday, too." Translation: "I know you're shagging that skank ho again, and don't think I can't smell your desperate confusion." Josh is indifferent to this, as he comments on another story: "Speaker's trying to roll us again on stimulus." He asks, "This story about me sending a Congressman a dead fish wrapped in newspaper -- the Post get this from you?" Donna says no. He reiterates his request for coffee and a "thing." Bagel? Muffin? Doughnut? Scone?

Out in the lobby, someone calls out to Josh, "Great piece in the Post." He's walking along, struggling with his tie, when he runs into Amy, who says, "Your clipping service must be busy today." Josh feigns innocence. Amy asks if being the "101st Senator" is like being the fifth Beatle. Someone else calls out, "Nice profile!" as Josh replies to Amy, "Yeah, I was the one who played sitar and made procedural changes." Amy, "So, listen, Mr. Rip-up-the-Constitution- and-behold-my-awesome-powers..." Wait, won't we need that nickname for Arnie? Josh says he has a meeting. He's still struggling with his tie. Amy: "Mr. Cloture-motions-flow- like-blood- through-my- gavel-wielding-veins..." Huh? Josh doesn't think veins wield gavels. I know they don't. Also, I realize they're trying to hide the pregnancy, but they've got Amy in a long coat throughout the episode, either wearing it or carrying it in front of her abdomen, but isn't it, like, July or August? I mean, it's not like the timeline makes any sense anyway, what with Zoey's three-day abduction spanning from May 7 to the fourth of July, but given that the VPOTUS has just been announced yesterday or whatever, which is being made clear by the same-suit- two-days- in-a-row thing, and that the VPOTUS is still setting up his office and whatever, and that everyone's still talking about Zoey's abduction as if it happened pretty recently, I very much doubt that it's suddenly long-coat weather. It would need to be September or October for that, would it not?

Anyway, Amy asks about the HHS appropriations: "How far under the budget cap was our original submission?" Josh wonders why Amy doesn't get that from Legislative Affairs. Amy: "'Cause I'm getting it from you." And yes, I do believe we're supposed to take that both ways. Josh tells her to run FLOTUS's last-minute budget requests through the process. Amy says that FLOTUS has nothing. Josh says that's because their budget's locked, and Abby's a sensitive topic around there: "Or not around here, as the case may be." Josh has one side of his tie tied over his collar. Interestingly, Amy doesn't mention it, and makes no move to fix Josh's tie, as you just know Donna would. Is that because she doesn't see it as her role to do things like that? Does she see it as servile? Is that because it's too sweet or intimate a gesture for the way they relate to each other? Is it because she just wants to see how long it takes him to fix it while deriving a modicum of personal amusement from it? Is it because she doesn't care? I don't actually know what I think about that, myself, and y'all can argue it out in the forums. I'm just stirring the pot. All I know is, Donna's hands would have been all over that tie. I don't think Amy would have let him walk away like that, though; I think she would have said something at the last minute. Boy, could I waste some more time thinking about this? Anyway, Josh figures out the tie problem for himself. Amy says, "It's nothing, Josh." Josh: "Nothing's nothing." As he walks away, Amy flings the tie he left at her place over his shoulder, saying she'll get it from Legislative Affairs. He grabs the tie, but she doesn't let go, and you can hear him offscreen saying, "Don't...come on..." Amy lets go and walks away. Josh comes back into the doorway to watch her go.

Josh arrives in Leo's office for the senior staff meeting. They all compliment him on the newspaper piece. C.J. brightly says, "Hats off to the Jewish Connecticut Corleone." Toby -- wearing a suit in a more interesting colour combination than I would have imagined he'd consider -- says, "I'm still trying to make the cover of Jane's Defense Weekly." Toby's shirt is a soft mossy green, although it some lights it looks mocha, and the suit looks almost burgundy, but it might be brown or plum (the colour on my main TV is wonky), and it seems to have a subtle plaid pattern going on. The tie is a burgundy with cream polka dots. No, I'm not kidding. I actually don't think it looks half bad, though I don't think the tie quite works. I want a Queer Eye crossover show. I want to see the Fab Five fix up the Fab Four (meaning Josh, Leo, Toby, and Will; C.J. doesn't need any help. Well, I'm still getting used to the Klute 'do).

Donna's typing at her computer while Swimtern fidgets around behind her. Without turning around, Donna warns him: "Don't touch that." He starts to reach for something else and she adds, "Don't touch that, either." She'll be an excellent mom. Josh arrives and calls out to him. Swimtern follows Josh into his office, where Josh asks, "Your family's had a lot of press attention, right?" Richie Rich replies, "My great-great-great granddad whipped up a lather when he annexed Cuba." I can't wait until Josh clocks this punk and says, "Welcome to The D.C., bitch! This is how we do it in the District of Columbia." Josh: "I meant...since Reconstruction." Richie shrugs and says that they get some press. Josh asks how Richie deals with it. Richie claims he never reads any of it. Josh: "Really?" Richie admits that he reads all of it. Josh: "So answer the question." Richie: "Let's just say the biggest enemy of truth isn't the lie; it's the myth." Josh: "Meaning what?" Richie: "Meaning I'd be better off if I never read any of it."

Toby arrives, and there's a delightfully awkward little moment when it's made clear through silent glances and expressions that Swimtern should swim along, now. He leaves, and Toby tells Josh, "Happy birthday, by the way." Josh: "Yeah, look, I really don't want you making a big deal out of it." Toby: "I was all done." Hee! That's our Toby. Toby says he walked the Minority Leader through the message calendar. Josh says, "Triplehorn oughta be jazzed -- his pension stuff's on there." Toby says that Triplehorn told him they're not giving Carrick his much-desired missile launcher. Josh: "The Minority Leader wants us to cave, right? If he could manage his own caucus, we wouldn't have this problem." Toby gently points out Carrick's vulnerability in Idaho: "We can't win back the Senate without him." Josh: "You're suggesting we build a multi-million-dollar heap of garbage even the DoD doesn't want?" Toby weakly suggests that sometimes they find other uses for such technology. Josh: "Great. They can turn it into a toaster that doesn't make toast. This has zero to do with defense technology." Toby says that Triplehorn thinks they're risking their best chance to get Carrick on board with the stimulus package and the tax bill. Josh insists that it's a bluff. Toby says that with a 49% job approval rate, it isn't the time to call bluffs. He says they have to get off this and onto their issues. Josh: "The stuff that this guy's already bilked us for, out of a state of about nine people..." Toby argues that as an Idaho Democrat, Carrick's an endangered species: "If he needs a little pork..." Josh: "The Volcanic Soil Museum? The canola oil fuel cell initiative?" Toby says it's low-fat pork. Josh continues: "The Shakespeare in Military Communities program? I mean, what the hell's wrong with Hemingway?" Well, Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald had a few ideas about that. (I believe her exact words were: "Bull-fighting, bull-slinging, bullshit." ["Word, Zelda." -- Wing Chun]) Toby suggests that they should cut their losses. Josh: "That's easy for you to say. I'm the one who lost him on stimulus. I'm the one who has to get him on our agenda. I'm the one lacing up concrete shoes on the front page of the Post." Yup, it's all about you. Chill, pal. I know it's your birthday and all, but it's not the front page; it's just the front page of the Style section. Big difference. Toby asks, "Been on a...you been on a fishing trawler recently?" He seems to be referring to the smell in Josh's office. Josh yells for Donna. Toby starts to leave, and Josh says, "I'm fine on Carrick. Do your job and I'll do mine." Toby looks like he'd like to say something about that, but thinks better of it. Donna arrives as Toby leaves, and Josh complains that his office stinks like "Moby Dick's gym locker." Donna asks, "What do you expect? There was a fish here all night." Josh: "All night?" Donna says that Amy left it the night before. I knew it was her. Doesn't seem to have occurred to Josh.

Toby talks about how the nine million jobs Bartlet created are starting to disappear: "They build TVs in Mexico for a dollar a day on dirt floors with cardboard walls...." Leo: "And that's our fault?" Toby: "It's on our watch, Leo. Where's our hundred days? Where's our Great Society? Where's our New Frontier?" Oh, it's always in the last place you look. Toby insists: "Somebody's got to do what we came here to do!" If this were a regular workplace, this is the point at which someone from HR would hatch the bright idea that everybody needs to be sent away to a big two-or three-day communication workshop so they can do a lot of touchy-feely exercises, and get in touch with their vision again, and "architect" a new mission statement. Thank God this isn't a regular workplace. Toby continues pounding his points home: "Those jobs aren't coming back. We lose or cave every battle we have with Congress. And we have a calendar, not a plan." Leo tells Toby: "Will's going to work for the Vice-President." Aw. I kinda wish we'd gotten to see Will tell Leo and Jed. But actually, I'm glad he's going to do that. I think it will make things more interesting. Toby looks like he didn't really believe it until now, and he starts to walk away, saying, "I'm asking the President not to let him." Leo says that POTUS told Russell he could have Will: "It's done." Toby goes back into the building. Hope Will's wearing a parka. Margaret comes out with a note as Toby leaves and heads for Leo. He asks, "You got a problem with your job?" Without missing a beat, Margaret says, "I could use one of those ergonomic chairs...." Ha! You should have heard the hooting in our living room. Perhaps you did. I am definitely taking that as a shout-out. Sure, maybe it was just Margaret being Margaret, but I'm counting it anyway. As he reads the note, Leo mumbles, "Never mind."

Josh runs into Donna in a hallway and asks, "Hey, anything from Amy?" Donna says she left messages everywhere for Amy to come see him. Josh looks very weary. Donna says, "This isn't about the dead fish?" Josh says it's not, exactly. Donna asks what happened. Josh explains that they both think Amy's been fired, and he unloaded on her: "She'll be...ah, I don't know what she'll be." Donna: "Find her. Forget about budget bills and poll samples and missile launchers -- go find her." Ever the romantic. Josh asks, "What else have I got?" She tells him that Carrick's in the Roosevelt Room. Josh: "Chris Carrick's here? Now?" Donna nods slightly. A vague expression of irritation crosses Josh's face, but he doesn't say anything. He just heads for the Roosevelt Room.

On his way, Josh sees Amy walking through a hall, but she doesn't see him. He pauses for a moment outside the Roosevelt Room, considering his options. Carrick sees Josh, and says his name, so Josh goes into the Roosevelt Room. As he enters, Amy sees him through one of the French doors, and stops to look at him for a second; she looks sad and disappointed. He looks pained. Carrick remarks, "Well, that was quite a press coup, telling the Idaho papers about my anonymous hold." Josh asks what he can do for him. Carrick: "You know what? Absolutely nothing. I've released the military promotions. I can't defend that to the people of Idaho." Josh: "Well, I hope that lesson won't be lost when our new stimulus package hits the floor." Carrick says it won't be. Josh: "Good." He turns to leave, but Carrick says he needs one last favour from him, and hands him a letter: "I'd like you to present that to the President." Josh asks what it is; Carrick explains that it's his letter of resignation from the Democratic Party. He says, "I'm running as a Republican in my election." Josh: "You're switching parties because we won't give you a launcher that doesn't even...." Carrick interrupts: "The launcher is a deterrent. The launcher says we're serious about perfecting missile defense, so rogue governments don't build missile programs." Josh sneers, "You can't be serious..." Carrick insists, "Building it is more important than whether it works. We don't want it to ever have to work." That is just dumb-ass. God, if money is going to be spent on defense, at least spend it something that does work, or could work, not on something you already know doesn't. Josh says they can't win back the Senate without Idaho: "We can't pass the tax bill, the new stimulus package...." Yeah, Carrick really cares about any of that. Carrick's on his way out when Josh -- desperate to salvage what he can -- starts bargaining: "I'll get you a meeting with Fitzwallace. A meeting with the President." Carrick stops at the door and says, "I don't work for the President. I don't work for you. I work for the people of Idaho." Josh: "You're leaving the party be-- this is 'cause of me?" Carrick: "I'm not leaving 'cause of you. But you made it a whole lot easier." He and his flunky exit, leaving Josh dumsquizzled.

Josh walks out into the hall, slightly dazed, holding the letter out awkwardly. Margaret sees him from down the hall and says that Leo wants him in the Mural Room. He changes his dazed course and drifts down that way. He opens the door, and sure enough, everybody's there yelling, "Surprise!" They're throwing confetti and bleating on those paper noisemakers. Most of them sing "Happy Birthday," and Jed beams at Josh. Josh can't wipe the shell-shocked look off his face, but he sort of makes an effort. And if you look very carefully, when he opened the door you could see his cake, which is in the shape of a big grey fish. A fish cake. If that's not a shout-out, I don't know what is.