Life on Mars

It's 5:58 AM on Tuesday. It's pouring rain, and Charlie's waiting at the entrance for a woman who arrives in a cab. He introduces himself to a woman with a very goofy, poodle-y hairdo and escorts her through the halls of the West Wing, past the concerned glances of C.J., Josh, Toby, and Donna, in turn. Along the way, Charlie learns that her name is Claire Huddle, but there's no more chat than that. She looks pretty grim. I would too, if I were made to wear my hair like that in public. They enter the Oval Office, where Jed's waiting, reading a newspaper. Charlie introduces Claire to Jed, who says, "It turns out that it has to go to the Secretary of State." He quotes the law that says so, but adds that they'll take care of it. She walks over to him and hands him a letter. He asks why she took a cab. How does he know that? Just general Presidential omniscience? Moreover, why does he care? She says her car wouldn't start. She has to repeat it because he doesn't hear her the first time. She looks like she's going to cry. Hey, honey, take it easy. I know a good mechanic, if you happen to have a VW. I know an even better hairstylist. Jed asks if she knows what's in there. She looks like she's not sure whether it's okay to tell the truth, and he says, "It's okay." She nods gravely. Jed dons his spectacles and reads the letter, which is from John Hoynes, and says, "I hereby resign the Office of the Vice President of the United States effective 6 AM today." Credits. Well. Where the hell did that come from?

Titles inform us that it's "24 Hours Earlier" and that it's the "Morning Press Gaggle, 6 a.m." C.J. arrives, and before anyone can ask a question, she wishes Mark a happy birthday, adding, "And don't ever say I don't pay attention to these things." Mark points out that his birthday's in December. Picky, picky. C.J.: "All right, go ahead and say it then. What do I care?" They ask her questions about a Trustee's report on Medicare, a fuel efficiency initiative, and whether POTUS is going to the Children's Defense Fund dinner. Katie has a question; she's the one C.J. initially cut off to wish Mark a happy non-birthday. C.J. invites Katie to come into C.J.'s office. Katie's got a bouncy ponytail that's emanating a lot of "Girl Reporter" energy. Is that because I said her hair was getting too long? Can't be. If people paid attention to what I say about hairstyles on this show, Stockard Channing would look a lot better much of the time, and God knows poor Claire wouldn't look the way she does. Katie introduces the H!ITG! with her as Ralph Gish, the science editor of her paper. (It's John Apicella.) C.J. wonders why Science is coming to the White House. He says it's about the Vice-President. Ralph wants to know if the White House is concealing a report from the NASA Commission on Space Science and Research which contains two different pieces of evidence of water molecules on Mars. He rambles on about fossilized water molecules on the surface of Mars as C.J. points to Katie and takes her outside the office to speak to her privately. Fossilized water molecules? Can water fossilize? That doesn't sound right. Where is Frink when I need him?

Outside her office, C.J. angrily tells Katie (calling her "Katarina") that calling Katie into C.J.'s office for a "single" in front of everybody costs her, and her questions are, "Is there life on Mars?" and "Is the White House hiding that there's life on Mars?" She wants to know what the hell it has to do with Hoynes. Katie explains that the Vice-President is head of the Commission, and their source says he told them personally. C.J. thinks that's absurd. She wonders what credible source would go to the Science Editor. Why is that so ridiculous? Katie explains that Gish doesn't know who the source is; the source told someone else at the paper, who told Gish. C.J. marches back into her office and tells Gish, "I can't imagine that it's true." He wants to know if there's a report that says anything, and if so, whether it will be made public and if not, why, and if not, isn't that illegal? She doesn't know, but says she'll find out about his first few questions. She says that any questions of legality are a matter for the Counsel's Office. Mentioning the Counsel's Office gives C.J. a bright idea, and she tells Gish that she knows the right guy to stick it to. I mean, "for Gish to talk to." She gestures for them to leave the office ahead of her, pausing at the door to smile warmly to herself, having thought of a way to get this off her lap and haze the new guy all at once. Yeah, it's gonna be a good day.

Joe looks around the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue, or at least, the room that's currently pretending to be it. It's got stairs in it, which Ainsley's office didn't have, I'm pretty sure. I remember people walking straight into her office from the hallway. This is more like the Sagittarius Room, isn't it? They think they can pull the wool over our eyes. We've got news for them. As Joe's seriously reconsidering having thrown over the $225,000 salary at Dibblevux and Pimpleford (or whatever) in New York, a woman knocks, enters, and introduces herself as Blair Spoonauer (or maybe Spoonhour), staff to the Counsel's office. Joe gives her the standard Sorkinesque hard time about being too young: "What are you, fourteen?" She thanks him and says she's twenty-two. Her knee-length skirt is slit about two-thirds of the way up her left thigh. Very professional. I guess they're desperate to inject any hint of sexiness they can on this show, especially during sweeps. I mean, it's not like they can just send Sipowicz and his partner du jour to a strip joint to grill some perp and milk the T&A. Ew. That didn't come out well at all, did it? Oh well, live and learn. Blair says she's a law student at GW. She's been asked to stick around to "break [Joe] in." She explains that this office is the one traditionally given to new lawyers at the White House. No wonder they can't seem to keep them on staff. In answer to Joe's question about the room's purpose, Blair explains that it's the (Fake) Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. Joe guesses that this administration isn't too fond of lawyers. Blair says they're held about one rung above Republicans. He reveals his dark, ugly secret. She goes into a "you're one of those people" rants but he interrupts her, calling her "Law School," and asks if he has any briefing memos to read. As a matter of fact, he has nine file boxes of memos to read. She gestures to a shelf of boxes he thought was Xerox paper. She says they wouldn't store Xerox paper in the Associate Counsel's office. Joe: "Sure, we'd never want to compromise the aesthetic integrity of the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue." Maybe not the real one. Joe asks her to triage the memos for him.

C.J. knocks and sticks her head in. She compliments Blair on her outfit, and Blair introduces C.J. to Joe. Blair bitches about having to carry the boxes up the stairs by herself as she leaves. Blair warns C.J., as they pass each other, that Joe's a Republican. C.J. shakes Joe's hand and tells him he's got a cool office. The ceiling seems way higher than the one in Ainsley's office, too. C.J. suggests that she should show Joe around; when he hesitates, saying he's got work to do, she reminds him that she outranks him by "seventeen rungs." She assures him that it will be fun, and if it's not, he should pretend it is anyway.

C.J. tells Joe that the first thing she's going to get asked about at her briefing is a Department of Agriculture report showing commodity prices are down 6%, and whether the White House is going to respond to the farmers who are going broke. She says, "And I thought, since the Republicans tore up the farm safety net, you might have a good idea for what I should say." Joe: "How about, 'food is cheaper, and that's good'?" C.J. asks him if he thinks it's good that farmers can't sell what they grow for a living wage. No, he was saying that it's good that you can buy food for less than an entire wage. C.J. carries on, pointing out that that's good, except that agriculture is the country's largest industry. Joe: "Aren't you supposed to be showing me around?" C.J. says that was the Dolly Madison staircase: "What do you want?" Show him that painting of Dolly that's so scary -- I want to see that. Joe points out the Roosevelt Room, saying he's been in there. C.J.: "Nobody cares." She tells Joe about Gish's questions and asks him to find out who broke the law. He says he will. As they keep walking, C.J. says that farmers are victims of the Republican Congress. Joe says he doesn't get a vote there, but he does go to the grocery store, and he knows food is cheaper: "And I know that when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers." Yeah, but...everybody still eventually dies. The undertakers'll get their money. C.J.: "Well argued, though I do hate you and everything you stand for." Joe: "Claudia Jean, you've only known me for four minutes. Usually it takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for." C.J.: "I'm the Press Secretary, Boo-Boo. I don't have that kind of time." She smiles and walks off. He's got one more question for her, though: "What do I do if I need to speak to the Vice-President?" She tells him that he just speaks to him: "You're his lawyer."

11:00 AM. Toby and Will are in Toby's office watching some obnoxious and anachronistic Republican ad that we only hear and do not see. It urges all flag-waving American nuclear families who are trying to go camping in their gas-guzzling vehicles to tell their Congressmen to vote "no" on HR-235. Will turns off the TV and says that the family won't be able to drive up some hill if they increase fuel efficiency standards. Toby, squeezing a fat pink ball, says, "Well, that family isn't gonna get up the hill 'cause Dad's trying to pull the kids, the camping gear, Rex the dog, and what would appear to be his den up K2 in a Ford Falcon." A Falcon? That car isn't still in production, is it? Oh well. I said it was anachronistic. Will says, "Actually, it's the power of the ad." Huh? Toby tells him to say that again, and when Will complies, he throws the ball at him. Toby thinks the ad sucks. Will explains that it's not directed at Toby; it's not about Dad. It's about Mom looking worried in the front seat. Toby says, "Soccer moms recognize a Big Three hosing when it walks up and introduces itself, good as anyone, and they know it often begins with 'Tell your Congressman America's about freedom.' And that Mom was worried 'cause Dad's hauling a yard sale up Kilimanjaro, and she's thinking, 'Wow, I married an idiot.'" Will thinks the ad will be effective; he thinks it says that "the President and a bunch of Hollywood types want to put your kids in a small car so that they can save the sky." Toby wants to know how Hollywood types got into it. So do I. Will: "How do they ever?" Will wants to run a counter ad, though he has no idea what it should say. Toby looks pretty annoyed about that: "Well, get one. Have an idea. Don't come in here with half a thing and not be able to -- you know, after you've walked me to the brink, and say 'we've got to do this, it's important, though I have no earthly idea how.' Like one of those guys who buys a big new thing, but doesn't really know how to get the most out of it!" Whoa. Will calmly says, "Toby, either get Andi to marry you, or kill yourself." Toby makes a "fuck you" face and says "Yeah." Will says he'll start putting together a counter ad. Isn't that the sort of thing you hire an agency for, or have in-house staff to deal with? Would that really be a speechwriter's job? Aren't there any actual...you know, speeches to be written? As he leaves, he offers to draw the blinds or lower the lights. Toby declines.

Donna's sitting at Josh's desk reading something. She's wearing a shirt I thought was pink and other viewers referred to as orange so I'm going to go with some kind of coral colour. Hard colour to wear, but she looks good in it. There's some sharp tapping noise. You can see a bird moving around on the window sill in the background. Every time it taps, Donna tells it to stop it. I hope this turns out to be more interesting than watching her shadow some druggie all night. It keeps tapping, and she goes over to the window, telling the bird it's going to hurt its beak. Yeah, I think the bird knows what it's doing, and probably doesn't need advice from someone who develops a crush on every Republican with a Y chromosome who happens to pass through the White House. Josh arrives as Donna's lecturing the bird, and she rants about how the bird is driving her into dementia. Josh wonders why he's the one who has to keep talking to Dr. Stanley. Josh offers to scare the bird away, but Donna won't let him, because it's not nice. "He's not bothering anybody." Um, except you. This is ridiculous. I'm not recapping it anymore. Damn, I'm too late. It's done for now. Donna tells Josh to go see Leo, because Carol got a call about whether the White House pressed the Department of Justice to call off its antitrust investigation against Casseon. Josh says they didn't call it off; they reached a settlement with Casseon. Donna says the call's from the Post, which has a source. Josh tells Donna to work with C.J.'s office to run down the source.

Joe knocks just then, wondering, in the even that he needs to speak to Leo, whether he should go straight to Leo or run it past Josh first. Josh says that at first, he'd like Joe to run things by him, just so he can give him a sense of what to keep out of Leo's office. Josh asks what he's got. Joe tells him about the NASA report. Josh muses, "This is two in one day." He tells Donna to work with C.J.'s office and Joe to take his concern to Leo. Then he thinks about it and calls them back, asking what they supposedly got in exchange for calling off the DoJ. Donna says it was 100,000 computers for schools. Josh decides that now they all have to go talk to Leo. As they walk down the hall, Donna says to Joe, "So you're our new sawbones." Joe: "'Sawbones' is a doctor. Lawyer's a shyster." Donna, to Josh: "I got him to say it." (Isn't "shyster" usually considered an anti-Semitic slur? What gives?) Joe objects: "Josh is a lawyer." Donna: "Well, yeah, he went to law school..." Josh glares at her. Donna: "You don't practice law, is all I was saying!" Josh: "I don't practice law? I help write the laws! I write the laws! I make the laws! I am the law!"

Donna and Joe make small talk about birds and bats when they arrive at Leo's office. Josh introduces Joe to Margaret, who informs him, "The girls in the Political Affairs Office saw you before and asked me to tell you that they wouldn't have covered your parking spot with mayonnaise if they'd known you were a biscuit." Leo calls them in and tells them to make it damn snappy. Josh starts to tell him about the Casseon thing, but then lets Joe go first. Leo says that the DoD classified the NASA Commission report. He repeats it, because, you know...I don't know. All I know is, a goodly portion of all dialogue must be repeated on this show. Is that because they think viewers won't get it the first time around, or just to fill time, or what? Joe is surprised to hear that the report exists. Leo: "Well, I can't tell you that, Joe. It was classified. But I can tell you it was classified by the Department of Defense." Okay, has everyone got it now? Good. I wouldn't want to have to go gazebo, or banner-ad, or whatever, on anybody's ass. Leo's ready to move to Josh. Josh asks if they got the DoJ to call off the dogs with regard to Casseon. Leo says they settled. Josh tells Donna to tell Leo what they were bribed with. Donna tells him about the 100,000 computers. Leo looks shocked. He says that was part of the settlement; obviously Josh already knew that, too. He says there's a leak. He asks Leo who knew about the terms with Casseon, other than the two of them and now Joe and Donna. Leo: "The President, me and you, Counsel, Counsel at Treasury and Commerce. Two, three guys at NEC, Hackley, Little, May..." And all their assistants who typed everything and placed calls. So, hardly anybody. Whew. Josh asks, "The Vice-President?" Leo replies, "Yeah. The Assistant Attorney General for Antitrust. Did we say the..." Joe interrupts to verify that Hoynes knew about the settlement. Leo: "Fix this, please, would you? There's a story out there we're obstructing justice and another one we're like in a Ray Bradbury yarn! These things make me crazy." Josh says they will and they all walk out, leaving Joe turning things over in his mind. He follows them down the hall.

Will's meeting with his staff: Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, and Cassie, better known as the Robert Palmer Girls. They're brainstorming a response ad to the one Will showed Toby earlier. One of the "girls" is handing out food to everyone. Okay, I know this episode needed the comic relief, but really, would this be something Will would be doing at all, never mind with a bunch of interns? I don't mind seeing him with his staff, such as it is, but I'd like to see them doing something convincing. And still funny. Yes, I expect the moon, and I'm not prepared to settle for a tallow candle. Will's suggesting a scenario almost identical to the Republican ad, a shot of a soccer mom spinning her SUV's wheels as she struggles to pull up a hill: "Wait for it..." He points to one of the Laurens -- the PoorMan'sKimCattrall (tm Gustave) -- who says, "A Saudi oil rig!" Will thinks that's exactly right, and PMKC beams. Will calls her Lauren #2, but PMKC says she's #3. Will says he promoted her. Cassie -- who I'm calling One Of These "Girls" Is Not Like The Others, or OOT"G"INLTO for short ('cause God knows that's a lot shorter, isn't it?) -- wants to know how they will convey the fact that it's a Saudi oil rig. Well, just hire some Mexican extras and dress them up like standard "towel heads." That should work. PMKC doesn't know the answer. Will's head slumps. Lauren Shelby suggests instead of hauling a Saudi oil rig, the soccer mom could haul actual Saudis. Hey, call up King Fahd, and Crown Prince Abdullah, and Prince Sultan, and the rest of the bunch and see if they'd like to shoot an ad. I bet they'd love that. Who isn't a famewhore these days? Also, I think they switched Lauren Shelbys on us. Or maybe she just changed her hair a lot. This one doesn't look familiar. I bet they thought we wouldn't notice. Just like with the Fake Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. Will: "Like a U-Haul full of Saudis?" PMKC suggests the oil rig could have Arabic writing on it. Will suddenly worries this is turning into something the Ku Klux Klan might produce. Well, I'm glad he saved me the trouble of saying it. Lauren Shelby claims she was about to say that. Hey, chippie, you're the one who suggested "actual Saudis." So shut your sandwich hole, Lauren Shelby. If that's your real name. Lauren Chen suggests that they use the same family. PMKC likes that, and suggests they have the same family stopping their SUV every three miles for gas. OOT"G"INLTO wants to know how that's supposed to play in fifteen seconds. PMKC has no answer. Frustrated, Will orders her to give her food back. Fake Lauren Shelby says, "You understand I'm not saying the soccer mom would be dragging them up the hill. They'd be super-comfortable." Will: "Stop talking." Thank you.

Charlie and Toby are in Toby's office, eating lunch together and half-watching a tennis match. It's Lunchtime for the Lovelorn. They're having jackets made. Charlie's reading the paper, and telling Toby that some socialite named Helen Baldwin is going to write a book. There's been a bidding war on her two-page outline and Random House has bought the book for a low seven-figure sum according to someone named Stu Winkle. Man, the Exposition Fairy needs to look into some less clompy boots. ["Man, maybe my nine-page outline and eleven-page sample chapter is just too long for my agent to sell. I hate getting shown up by fictional non-fiction writer." -- Wing Chun] Charlie wonders if Stu Winkle could possibly be his real name. Hey, it's better than Fitznipple-Bellicose. Charlie reads a terrible sentence about Helen Baldwin from the column and stops before the end, complaining about the terrible writing. Then he rambles on about some seventy-three-year-old housekeeper named Mrs. Wheely who works in the Residence and refuses to retire after fifty years of service. She earns $22,000 a year. She has access to all kinds of very private information. Charlie has told her she should write a book. She refused, saying, "No, no, no...we don't do that." After a pause, Toby says, "You said I wouldn't even know you were here. Just so you know... I can tell that you are."

Charlie decides to give Toby some guff about the fact that he's eating a salad, saying he doesn't think he's ever seen that before. He asks what kind of salad it is. Toby doesn't know. Charlie: "Mixed greens?" Dude, you're eighteen inches from it. Check it out for yourself. Toby doesn't know: "I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it. Do I have to know the names? There's no difference between 'em. It's a bowl of weeds." Hee. He says this isn't the kind with cheese. Richard Schiff sounds like he has a cold or even mild laryngitis in this scene. Poor guy. "How many years have you guys been 'Toby, you eat like a teenager.' 'Toby, that's red meat.' 'That's your second cigar.' Here I am, eating this salad, which, by the way, you could cover this thing in barbecue sauce and it still tastes like the ground, and I'm getting heckled from the gallery! Who wanted to come in here and eat his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a kaiser roll and watch the damn tennis on my TV! That's all I'm saying." ["Roast beef with ketchup? Ew." -- Wing Chun] Joe arrives as Charlie asks, "Man, Toby, you're really doing everything you can do to get that woman to marry you?" Toby snaps, "Yes, I'm doing everything I can do..." To Joe: "What?" Joe asks if Toby was told he was coming by. Toby: "Yeah, you're the new sawbones?" Joe fails to demonstrate his team spirit by telling Toby, "Donna Moss already got me to say it." Toby snaps his fingers and says, "Dammit." Toby introduces Charlie. Joe wants to talk to Toby about some incendiary language on Toby's draft statement about a Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals decision. Apparently, Toby said that the Fourth Circuit lacked the judicial imagination God gave pistachio nuts. Toby laughs and says they did. Toby explains that the language gets cleaned up on C.J.'s desk. Joe says that makes sense. Charlie: "Toby is distracted by a woman. And salads." Toby complains to Charlie, "You know, when you do ten minutes on Helen Baldwin getting a book deal, it's righteous, but I speak my mind after getting poked with a stick and it's 'cause of Andi!" Joe is surprised to hear that Helen Baldwin has a book deal, and wants to know where Charlie heard that. Charlie's glad Joe asked, because it gives him the opportunity to say Stu Winkle's name. Apparently, Mr. Winkle is the new gossip columnist at the Post. Joe looks very suspicious. He asks the way to the northwest lobby. He apologizes for jumping the gun on Toby's draft statement. Toby -- who didn't just fall off the weed truck -- asks Joe what's going on. Joe says he's sure it's nothing, and adds that it's just his first day. Toby continues to give him the kind of inquiring look that lets Joe know he had better tell Toby something. Joe says that two press inquiries have come to his attention that sounded alike: "Can I get back to you?" Toby: "Make sure you do."