Privateers

Shout-out to Sprojunky.

Previously on The West Wing: People flapped their gums.

First Bedroom. Someone phones to wake the President because it's 6:00 AM. He thought he asked for a 5:00 AM call, but apparently FLOTUS called to change it. She comes out of the washroom, and she and Jed have a cute little conversation about how she interfered with "Operation Yooman Snooze Button"; POTUS had planned to tell them himself to give him an extra hour. But his actual name for the plan was "Operation Resting Eagle." Jed wants to put on his glasses: "Something's turning me on about you and I can't tell what it is." The huge workout suit, no doubt. She says, as she opens the curtains, that her hair's wet because she was working out. He says he got in late; he was in Tennessee and ended up touring a weapons research facility with one of the world's most powerful reactors. They showed him an insulin molecule. Abby seems only sort of interested.

Suddenly, the breakfast cart arrives. The waiter asks whether Jed would like him to lay out the papers. Jed would not. The guy leaves as they sit down to eat, and Jed grumbles about having them alphabetized, too. He tells Abby that when they got back, Leo was waiting. She asks what's going on with Leo and Jordan these days. Jed doesn't know, and directs her attention to other, more important things. Abby: "What's the trouble, Sheriff Taylor?" Yikes. If Abby's wet hair turns Jed on, I'd hate to see his reaction to Michael "Yooman Freak Show" Jackson, because that's about what Abby's hair looks like at this moment. There's some HoYay! absolutely no one can get behind. Maybe they're just screwing with us: "Okay, no matter what we do with her hair, they don't like it, so we'll just do nothing! Ha ha ha!" I think that that may be the strategy of the NBC promo gerbils, too.

Jed tells Abby that the Foreign Ops bill came out of markup. He says they only cut $2 billion, and shifted half a billion from the sub-Saharan to Western Europe: "Because I guess the crippling hunger in Provence has given the lactose-intolerant a problem with...I don't know, but I can live with all that." But apparently, some politician with the implausible name of Clancy Bangert has attached an amendment stipulating that no Foreign Ops dollars can go to any clinic overseas that counsels abortion (a policy known as "the gag rule"). Abby asks if that's out of the blue. Jed says it's the Senate and they can do that. He says that there are a few cranky conservative Senators who want this stuff and are just waiting to pounce. She asks if the bill is sunk, and how many Democrats are defecting. Jed doesn't know. Abby: "How many would defect if you asked them?" He doesn't know. Abby: "You didn't make the calls?" He's not prepared to do that yet. She wants to know what would happen if he threatened to veto the bill with the gag rule. He doesn't know. She asks whether he's spoken to the leadership. He's not prepared to do that yet. Abby, should I paint you a picture? Abby says, "It's not that the money can't go to clinics that perform abortions, it's that the money can't go to clinics that talk about abortions." Jed knows what the gag rule is. Abby: "I wasn't reminding you what the gag rule was. I was reminding you that you sent 11,000 troops to Kundu because on your inauguration you told us that we were for freedom of speech everywhere." (And if you were looking for anything on the Kundu story, you better be satisfied with that, 'cause that's all there is.) Jed: "That's great, except people are starving to death, and they're dying of disease to death and they can't cook the Bill of Rights." Abby replies, "So we're for freedom of speech everywhere but poor countries, where they can have our help, but only if they live up to Clancy Bangert's moral standards? What the hell kind of free world are you running?" Jed, placidly: "I really don't know, Abby. The day hasn't started yet."

And credits. Sans Rob Lowe. Stockard Channing is first -- but if she weren't in this episode, would Dul Hill be first? Or is she going to be in all the credits now, even though before she was only in the credits for the episodes she was in, because...I mean, it's not like Dul Hill's going to get top billing, is it?

Leo's office. Josh is telling him about a disaster early that morning in Alaska: a lake broke through its natural dam in what is known as a "glacial lake outburst," and is now a river of ice and rock 300 feet wide sweeping through a small town. It takes Leo a minute to realize that Josh isn't trying to be funny. Josh says tha the President should be briefed at the very least. Leo agrees, and wants to know why the natural dam broke. Josh explains that it was part of a glacier and the glacier melted. Leo is a little surprised to find that a glacier suddenly melted, like, this morning, being under the impression that it usually takes hundreds of millions of years. Well, that used to be the case. It's called global warming and climatic change. Seriously, dude. Look into it. Josh explains that this morning was the straw that broke the camel's back. Josh starts to leave, and Leo wonders if he wouldn't like to stand there and reflect on the fact that a glacier melted this morning. Josh would, but says that since a glacier melted this morning, Americans are simply trying to outrun it.

Out in the hall, Will catches up to Josh, who tells him a glacier melted, that it'll be on the news soon, and that he'll help him prep C.J. Will just wanted to ask Josh if FLOTUS happens to be a distant relative of a pirate. He got called by the Boston Globe. Josh tells him to talk to C.J. as he runs into C.J., who's just arriving at work, and tells her that Will got called about "Captain Feathersword."

Josh splits, and Will pedeconferences with C.J. as he explains that the Globe was called by somebody named Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead who's denounced Abby's membership in the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution). Will: "I'm sorry, is it okay if I laugh a couple of times during this?" C.J.: "Well, at Marion Cotesworth-Haye of Marblehead, certainly." Why would Will be contacted about this? The Globe called the President's newest speechwriter to ask about it? I'm puzzled. Will continues explaining that in order to be a member of DAR, "You have to be descended directly..." C.J.: "From doilies?" Will says that it's patriots, actually, and apparently FLOTUS's qualifying ancestor is Thomas Broome Weathergill, a pirate. And this is suddenly an issue why? C.J. says he was a privateer. Will says he was a professional pirate. C.J. says he worked for pirates and was hired by the fathers of the DAR. Will wonders if they should tell that to the DAR lady. C.J. says it's not their job to tell things to "Mrs. Marblehaye." Will corrects her on the name and says that he agrees, but that the woman is organizing a boycott of the DAR reception tonight. C.J. says that Thomas Broome Weathergill was a privateer. Will adds that it was a couple of centuries ago. C.J. thinks it's time for a visit to FLOTUS's office. Will is bummed to learn that C.J. means both of them, and says, "If this day ends up with me face-to-face with Marion Cotesworth-Haye, I'm gonna, you know..." C.J.: "Laugh inappropriately?" Will says there's a very real possibility.

We get to see some bare feet on a ladder, and while they're a lot cleaner than they were the last time we saw them, I still have the feeling right away that they're Amy's. Sure enough, she's on a stepladder in her new office, hanging up her various degrees on the wall. Her Yale diploma reads "Amy Gardner." (There've been a lot of comments on the forums about whether the diploma actually looks like a real Yale diploma, and whether it should have her full name, and let me just state for the record: I find I couldn't care less.) Amy's just whamming nails into the schmancy wood panelling and there's this part of my brain that just shrivels up and dies in response. (Yes -- that, I care about.) Amy stands back to admire them -- they're crooked -- and of course they, and the two pictures on the opposite side of the door, fall off the wall in rapid succession. Enough with the sight gags already. They're getting old. Amy looks mildly unhappy but not nearly as pissed as I'd be. Then again, she almost always looks that unhappy, so whatever. Amy's office is huge, by the way. I'd say it's bigger than Leo's; certainly bigger than Josh's. High ceilings, huge windows, plenty of square footage. Not too shabby. Some young, relatively cute guy comes in and reintroduces himself as Nat, saying they met yesterday. He says he's an intern in FLOTUS's office, or he was, until Mrs. Bartlet fired his boss and hired Amy. Amy says he can stay and they'll see how it works out. He tells her that Abby's waiting to see her. Amy says that's the kind of thing he wants to tell her first.

Abby saunters in as Nat realizes that he's probably not going to be having the kind of relationship with Amy that Tag had with Rachel on Friends. Mind you, Amy's blouse is unbuttoned to the practically the middle of her torso, and would look skeevy at a nightclub, never mind how unprofessional it looks in this setting, so Nat can be forgiven for perhaps thinking there was a signal there. Perhaps Amy thinks she's copying C.J.'s look, but note: when C.J. wears her blouse unbuttoned to her navel, she wears a shirt underneath, all classy-like. The more knowledge you have... Abby looks at the piles of frames on the floor and asks what happened. Amy doesn't have a good explanation, so she just says "good morning." Abby tells Amy about the Foreign Ops bill, and says that she wants her to come up with a way to let Congress know the President would veto the bill if that rider's attached. Amy grasps what Abby's asking. Abby, smugly: "No, it's not that easy. But we're going to do it anyway." Amy: "Yes, ma'am."

Abby tells Amy to start lobbying and leaves as C.J. and Will arrive. Abby tells them that a glacier's melting in Alaska. Will asks if she's a little freaked about that, too. She says she isn't. Will adds, "I didn't mean that I was..." He turns to Amy and says they have a problem for her office. Amy: "No, you can't, because it's my first day and already Mrs. Bartlet has me overthrowing the government." He tells her about the DAR fuss. There's a little go-round about pirate vs. privateer -- yes, we've got it. It's a hired pirate. C.J.: "Anyway, Helena Hodworth Hooter-Tooter of Braintree wants to organize a boycott of the reception, and, well, there it is." C.J. summarizes the problem and they leave. As they're going, Will helpfully points out that Amy's picture frames fell. Amy: "Yeah, they did, Willy." Will just lets that go. He must be scared of Amy, because he ragged on his sister for calling him that.

Bonnie brings a couple of guys to Toby's office. The older, shorter one (played by Jeff Perry, who has a total HITG! vibe about him, except that I don't recognize him from anywhere) says that they were in the building meeting about testimony on Polluter Pays and just wanted to drop by. He introduces the other guy as a lawyer named Don Novak, who works for Kearney-Passaic. The guy explains that Toby was one of his first roommates. I'll bet Toby's a riot to live with. Toby, over much throat-clearing, seems surprised to hear that his former roommate works for Kearney-Passaic. The guy responds, "We don't make chemicals, Toby. We make ideas." The kind of ideas that pollute the environment and give you cancer, I guess. Toby: "Uh huh. But what do you sell?" Idea Guy: "Chemicals." Yep. Toby: "You're testifying on Polluter Pays?" Idea Guy says he is. Toby: "On behalf of nature?" Idea Guy: "You demonize companies that create jobs." Toby laughs. "You think taxpayers should pay to clean up pollution instead?" Idea Guy argues that taxpayers should pay a "modest amount," and gives Toby the whole line about how it's an inevitable byproduct of doing business: "Chemical companies are good corporate citizens." Toby says that's nice to know: "But tomorrow we've got fifteen scientists who aren't on industry payroll, and you'll have..." Don pipes up: "The Republican majority, actually." Toby admits that's gotta help. Don smiles: "It does." Idea Guy says they just wanted to say hi. Toby wishes them luck tomorrow. There's a sincere sentiment. Don and Idea Guy walk off, but remain in sight of the camera. Idea Guy suddenly stops and tells Don he forgot to ask about the kids Toby's expecting. He explains to Don that he doesn't want Toby to think he's rude, and tells Don to hang on a second.

Idea Guy comes back to Toby's office and says that he's supposed to be in there looking at pictures of Andi: "Could you take out your wallet and look for a picture?" Toby's confused. Idea Guy continues, "Toby, please take out your wallet and look for a picture you can show me. Kearney-Passaic's been lying for three years. I need protection under federal whistleblower laws." Toby slowly stands up and pulls out his wallet, and smiles as he shows the guy something (we don't see it), and they make chitchat about when the twins are due. Toby: "Burt, are you defecting?" Burt (formerly "Idea Guy") says he is. Toby says that the twins are due in May; there's a boy and a girl, and they can't decide on names. Andi likes Sophie or Rebecca for a girl. He likes Sophie, but thinks it's too popular now, and he likes Rebecca but he also likes Millicent but Andi doesn't like that at all. Thank God for Andi. As Toby's saying all this, he's writing a note. He walks out and dumps the note on Bonnie's desk as he says that they're nowhere on boy's names. Dude, we took a poll. Mind you, when I made that up, I don't think I knew yet that they were a boy and a girl; most of the pairs of names are for same-sex twins. And anyway, Sorkin likes old, stodgy names. These kids are going to be named Prudence and Archibald. Or maybe Hortense and Maynard. Pray for Andi's strength and resolve. We see Bonnie's elbow pick up the note which reads, "Get Josh rt. now." She crumples it.

Burt and Don are chatting amiably outside Toby's office when Josh arrives to speak to Toby, who has to tell him several times to "cool out" while they wait for Burt to come over after Don splits. Burt tells Toby, "It's okay...I told him." Seems like Don took the news pretty well. Toby introduces Josh. Burt explains he told Don they were going to go get some coffee and catch up. Well, that explains why he took it so well. Toby introduces Burt Ganz to Josh. Burt is the Director of Scientific Research at Kearney-Passaic. Josh says he's read Burt's testimony already. Burt says that his testimony says that Polluter Pays is unfair and unreasonable and that their process is as safe as is practicably possible, "and that even an assurance bond is ridiculous because there's no evidence [they're] causing environmental damage." Toby says he wants to change his testimony. Burt says that the company has been concealing from the EPA and health officials the amount of highly carcinogenic toxins at three of their waste-disposal sites. Josh: "So Kearney-Passaic has not been damaging the environment quite so much as they've been..." Burt: "Causing cancer." He says he has documentation. Josh tells him to stay there and not say anything to anyone until Josh calls. He wants to know who knows Burt's there. Toby says that the company lawyer does. Josh tells him to wait until he calls. As Josh leaves, he's informed -- or, more likely, warned -- that Amy's looking for him.

Out in the hall, Amy finds him anyway. He asks whether it's true that everything fell off her wall. She asks how he knows that. Josh: "I'm everywhere." Amy: "Oh, I've been orientating myself for the last few days, so I think I'm fine." Josh says he doesn't think "orientate" is a word. He asks if she has an assignment. She does, and wants to talk to him in his office. Josh tells Donna he needs to speak to someone in the Counsel's office.

Amy starts to tell Josh about the rider on the bill. He knows: "And the First Lady's fershnicked." Amy says she's not the only one. Josh: "You too?" Well, that can't be a surprise. Amy says, "Well, I was thinking about the 62% of us who support a woman's right to..." Josh says it's 57%. Amy: "Kaiser says 62[%]." Josh: "And I'm one of them." She says it's a huge step forward for the other 38%. Josh: "You think I like it more than you do?" Amy: "I do not, but I also don't think you have a reproductive system." Well, technically, I think he does, but I know what Amy's trying to say. Not that that's probably the best angle to get him on board. Josh says, "I do not." Amy argues that POTUS should threaten to veto. Josh says that if he does that, he'd have to follow through. Amy thinks that the threat might make some of the more moderate senators insist on the removal of the amendment. Josh: "Yeah, but if Amy's Plan of Wonder and Magic doesn't work, he's got to veto Foreign Ops after not one, [not] two, but three continuing resolutions. We need a win. And 230 million people overseas need a sandwich." Amy wants to know what can be done. Josh says the Republicans have tried to attach it to everything possible over the past term, and that the White House has beaten it back every time with Executive Orders: "But this one's gonna be law and we have to eat it." Amy says okay and leaves. Her hair look a lot better in this episode -- healthier and shinier. Josh asks why her stuff fell off the wall. Amy: "Well...I dunno. Thanks." Maybe not so much for her with the witty comebacks? Seriously, a lot of the dialogue so far -- especially hers -- has been really limp. Is everyone tired? Brad Whitford seems tired. I'm tired, and I don't have three kids under five, or even one kid under five.

Josh asks Donna if she got him in with the Counsel's office. She says they're all in a meeting until after lunch. Josh asks, "Hey, you know how you really wanted to go to the DAR reception tonight?" Except Donna says she didn't. Now that Sam's gone, I guess most of the crackplots are going to fall on her delicate alabaster shoulders. Josh says she's going, because the Secret Service needs them to babysit someone. One of the DAR members is bringing a date, Matthew Lambert, who's twenty-six, and who, five years ago, was convicted of selling drugs. The Secret Service won't let him in unless someone who is credentialled is watching him. Is this seriously something Donna would have to do? They wouldn't have some kind of junior agent or somebody who'd be assigned to this? Josh explains that she's supposed to stay with him the whole night, and he won't know why: "So try to be cool." Donna asks if she can talk to him. Josh says she can, but she can't tell him they regard him as a security risk: "It's just inhospitable, you know?"

Leo's in a room being briefed by people on the melting-glacier-disaster thing. There are quite a lot of people there. They're having difficulty reaching people to evacuate them: "Most of them don't have addresses anymore." Weather's also a problem. Canada's helping out. Leo asks if this is an act of God. I guess that depends on your perspective. A woman says, "No." She introduced as Hilary Toobin, a USGS hydroclimatologist. Leo asks what that is. Hilary: "An expert in what I'm about to say." She explains that mean temperatures have risen seven degrees in the last thirty years: "That's insane." I'll say. She says it's caused glaciers to shrink, and of course then everything goes haywire. She says that fourteen people -- not spotted owls -- were killed this morning. Leo: "Are you telling me that the deaths this morning were the first fatalities of global warming?" Hilary says she doubts that they're the first. Leo asks the people in the room to stay around for a while.

Amy returns to her office to find Abby waiting for her. Abby tells Amy that her stuff fell off the wall again: "I think some of the guys might be having fun with you on your first day." Amy, as she closes the big double doors to her office: "They're such rascals." She says she just saw Josh, and that the President can't threaten to do something he's not prepared to do. Abby doesn't think it should be an empty threat. They argue about whether the bill is his or the Senate's. Amy says that the White House would have to negotiate another aid package a year from now, and suggests, "Why not gear up for that when I've been on the job for a year, instead of the five hours I've been on the job now?" A year from now? For someone who's had seven jobs in the last three years, she's certainly an optimist. Abby says no: "Should I get someone else?" That wasn't really where Amy was going with that, no. Abby: "What right do we have to restrict what anything anyone says anywhere, much less what a doctor can say to a woman who needs a doctor?" Well, none, I'd say. Amy agrees. Abby: "My husband is one of the most liberal Presidents this country is likely to see for a while. I don't have that many 'year's left." Amy thinks she's wrong there. Abby: "Let's get back to it." Abby leaves, and Amy comes up behind her to close the doors. The camera switches to the inside of Amy's office as she walks away from the doors...which fall down behind her with a crash, just as she walks out of their path. That's a pretty dangerous gag right there; I'll bet those doors weigh hundreds of pounds. She could have easily been killed. (Yeah, I know that'd be fine with some of you.) Also, why didn't they fall when she shut the doors earlier? Also, enough with the sight gags, especially when they insist on showing them to us during the promos. Are people really tuning in to see the doors fall down again? Are they that curious about why the doors fall down? Do they think, "Damn, that is some quality programming?"

Charlie's working at his laptop somewhere when Will comes along and asks him what's up. Charlie says he got a "Dear John" letter from Zoey, breaking up with him again. Aren't they already broken up? Were they back together? Who knows? Charlie: "It's a Dear John letter from my ex-girlfriend. This is gonna be a high self-image day for me." Will asks why she's breaking up with him again; Charlie says it's because he makes Jean Paul uncomfortable. Will describes the situation: "So it's really your ex-girlfriend on behalf of her new boyfriend who sent you a Dear John email?" Charlie: "Yeah, that makes it better." Will wonders what brought this on. He and Charlie start pedeconferencing as Charlie says that Zoey's being inducted in the DAR, and there's a reception: "And Jean Paul thinks it's unnatural. And he's the son of a Count." Will, with annoyance: "Oh, who isn't?" Heh. "Unnatural'? I don't understand Jean Paul's objection. Mind you, I don't understand why he's still on this show at all, either. Will asks if Charlie's going to take this lying down. Charlie says he'll be standing up most of the time: "What other way is there for me to take it?" Will suggests that he can be belligerent about it. He advises Charlie to say "no" respectfully. Charlie asks what that would sound like. Will says, "'Zoey, you say Jean Paul is uncomfortable with our relationship and he'd prefer I not be around. And I respectfully say no.'" Charlie asks if Will has a girlfriend right now. Will says he doesn't. Charlie elicits the information that the last time Will had a girlfriend was nine months ago...for a couple of days. Charlie: "Okay." Aw. And we were making such progress in the forums constructing our case for a gay identity for Will. It's not too late, though. Will: "In my own defence, she was a psycho." Charlie: "So why are you giving me relationship help?" Will: "Because I'm the only one in this conversation who didn't get a Dear John email from his ex-girlfriend's boyfriend." Charlie: "God, that's really true, isn't it?" C.J. hails Will from down the hall, saying, "She's coming right now." Will takes off.

Amy walks up to meet them. C.J. says she thinks they've solved her problem. Amy wonders which problem. Oh, it's Mrs. Hyacinth Fitznipple-Bellicose or whatever her name is again. She's in the Mural Room. C.J. tells her to go in there and talk it through and, if that doesn't work, tell her that FLOTUS wants to give her an award tonight. Amy: "I make up an award?" C.J.: "Save yourself a headache." Amy: "Am I being hazed? Is this a hazing? 'Cause I'll go along and everything, but I have to see Josh..." Will: "It's not a hazing. They don't do that." He feels in his pocket. "Except...yes, you put olives in my pocket again." He pulls them out. Ick. C.J. admits to putting olives in his jacket, but assures Amy that this is on the level. They all start to go in the room but C.J. stops them, saying she's got to make sure she doesn't laugh, and that she needs a minute to collect herself. Amy: "Oh, God..." C.J. collects herself, and they go in.