Holy Night

Confession: I do not watch The West Wing. I have hardly ever watched The West Wing. To me, Wednesday night on my TV is home to Bernie Mac, South Park, and occasionally Birds of Prey when I'm feeling lonely and need a little jiggle in my life. So what qualifies me to recap this episode, which I'm told is part of an annual tradition of mushy, emotional, yet heroically stoic Christmas episodes? Nothing. Not a damn thing. No, wait: I have voted in two presidential elections (and voted in an informed way, I might add), and I once met Robert Bork. Say what you will about Bork, but that is a man who knows how to grow some serious facial hair. "How do you do that?" I asked him admiringly, in my own pre-goatee days. "Frequent watering," he told me, and winked.

So here we go. Feel free to think of me as your Christmas lump of coal for not appreciating Deborah enough. If I get any details or character names wrong, feel free to harp on it in a very strongly worded email sent to your own address.

The episode begins with drums and an American flag set against the White House. Whoa. This is very patriotic already. I think I should be standing or something. "Previously"s reveal that Donna wanted Josh to introduce her to some guy she probably likes (I will forever contend that Donna looks like she should be in a Wallace & Gromit cartoon); Christian Slater somehow stole Rob Lowe's soul and ended up on this show as the guy Donna likes; and Toby gave a lady I'm assuming is his ex-wife some serious under-eyes and they probably slept together given everything I know about the rest of this episode and how babies are conceived.

Wow. That's it? I figured this show would have some backstory or something. "Silver Bells" plays as the camera swoops down from the rooftops onto the nighttime street set of Road to Perdition. We pan past an apartment window where some folks are watching some black and white television. "Brooklyn Heights Christmas Eve," reads a title card. Bulbous cars roam around. "1954," reads another title card. You really could have put that with the title card and saved a little title-card money. Come on, Sorkin! Stop bleeding NBC for every penny they've got! They need that money to keep ER limping along like a cancerous greyhound for another three seasons!

A guy gets out of a cab and walks into a bar. He's being watched by someone across the street -- three guys, actually, all in a car together speaking a language. It's Yiddish, or Polish, or Russian, or Creole, or something. I do know it's not Spanish. They laugh at something, but we don't know what it is yet. The guy in the back seat is suddenly translated with subtitles. He says that Cole Porter is a great American songwriter for the Broadway shows. Word. If we flash forward forty years to a subtitle that says, "Aaron Sorkin is a great American screenwriter for the network shows," I'm going to have to resign my post here. The guy in the back -- who wears glasses and has a bit of the nebbish in him -- says that Cole was in a singing group at his university, a name he can't produce. A guy in the front tells him to say it in Yiddish. Okay, I'm guessing now that the language is Yiddish. He says there is no Yiddish word for it. "Whiffenpoof?" back seat guy says. Hee. That just made me hungry for pastry. They ask if he's been to a show. The Cole Porter fan says he has an album. He starts to sing a little. The guy in the driver's seat tells the other two to shut up. Passenger Seat asks Driver's Seat why the Whiffenpoof fan can't be happy -- his wife just had a baby. Driver's Seat says the guy's not in there. Passenger Seat assures him that the guy is in there. He motions toward the bar across the street. Passenger Seat -- who looks a bit like the guy who has a crush on Lois on Malcolm in the Middle -- says he scouted the place. Driver's Seat says he's calling Anastasia. They start to bicker about whether the guy is in the bar or not. Driver's Seat asks if there's a phone at the back of the place. Passenger Seat says there is. Dangerous music plays. "You got a nickel?" Driver's Seat asks. That's some Emmy-caliber writing right there, y'all. Yes. It seems that Passenger Seat has a nickel. But can you spare a dime? Brother? Driver's Seat tells Passenger Seat to come with him. They leave the car while Back Seat -- who they call "Julie" -- is told to wait. Is that like when Dr. Cox calls J.D. "Cassandra" or "Margaret" on Scrubs? Julie (tee hee) waits and smokes a cigarette. A woman pushing a stroller across the street stops in front of a bookstore and attends to her crying baby. "Tobias," Julie says to himself, and laughs a little. We hear a few gunshots. Julie, alarmed, walks briskly toward the corner. Driver's Seat emerges and tells Julie to get back in the car. "Where's Zev?" Julie asks in Yiddish. Zev's dead, baby. Zev's dead. "What can you do?" Driver's Seat answers. Does that mean Julie gets to ride shotgun now? "What can you do?" Driver's Seat explains again. Oh, "What can you do!" Now I understand the murder. In the car, Driver's Seat asks what Julie named his son. "Tobias," he says. "Little Toby." They drive off.

Ack! More patriotism! Loud! I think my heart may burst! Rob Lowe is still in the credits even though he's not really in the episode. Oops. Joshua Malina! He has my favorite lips of anyone in any Sorkin show so far. Aw, crap. I only agreed to recap this show because I thought it was Charlie Sheen playing the president. Well, damn.

If canceling Providence is the only way to get that woman's bewitching, hair-blowing-in-the-wind stare off my screen, then so be it. Damn the torpedoes!

It's snowy outside the White House. Inside, it's even more festive: There's singing. Am I wrong to wonder about guys who prefer to spend their time singing in a chorus instead of, oh, drinking beer? We pan toward the singers, who are doing "Bye Bye Blackbird." As they sing in their fancy schmancy clothes, a couple in the front row exchange an appreciate glance. Oh, yeah, this totally tops tickets to The Producers. C.J. emerges from a hallway and stands in the doorway looking in on the performance. Carol is standing to her with a diagonal smile. C.J. says it's really getting bad outside, and she's worried about the airport closing. Carol asks if they should finish up the performance. C.J. says they should wrap things up after another song, and then she fantasizes aloud about one of them taking her to their place and... "They're twenty years old, ma'am," Carol says. C.J. concludes that they'd take her to their place and sing. A horny C.J. is a funny C.J. Carol laughs and walks off. C.J. continues watching the very fast singing. Then she walks off does a scene handoff to Leo, telling him he should go listen.

Leo finds Josh at the copy machine. He asks whether Josh is staying in town. Josh goes on a little mini-rant about Donna staying with Jack at the Washington Inn, a place Josh can't get a room. Uh, Josh? Leo was asking about you, not Donna. Josh realizes what he just did and says he's not sure what he's doing. Leo says that Israel is closing the Church of the Nativity and what the hell is up with that? (Um, sorry, Jesus.) Josh says that's ironic. "Why?" Leo asks impatiently. Josh says because Mary and Joseph couldn't get a room at the inn and they went to this place. Is that really irony, or is this a stretched kind of Alanis Morissette form of irony? Wing, you wanna offer a verdict here? ["Meh. I can't even bring myself to complain about this show anymore. Go, Opposibs!" -- Wing Chun] Josh asks if the irony isn't self-evident. Leo says it's not funny. Josh says he knows. Leo repeats that it's not funny. Oh, God, I'm already exhausted here. Why is The West Wing the one show that doesn't have closed captioning on my TV set? And why do they talk. So. Much? At least on Gilmore Girls, there's an honest-to-goodness joke or a cute pop-culture reference at the end of a long string of fast, clipped sentences. This show is like getting shot in the stomach with a semi-automatic word Uzi. Josh asks why they closed the church. Leo says he doesn't know, but asks Josh to find out. There's no Bethlehem Citysearch website?

Shadowy room. Toby is being interviewed about his ex-wife by some blowhard from Citizens for Full Disclosure. A stenographer is recording the conversation. There's a witness and everything. Blowhard asks Toby his name. Then his full name. Date of birth: December 23rd, 1954. "Today's your birthday?" Toby is asked. It is. He's asked what his relationship is to Congresswoman Wyatt. She's his ex-wife. Toby's asked if she's pregnant right now. "You would have to ask her," Toby says. The witness -- who I suppose is Toby's counsel -- says that Toby's not answering the question. Blowhard says it's been widely reported. "Yes," Toby says. Toby won't confirm it. Why? "It's private," Toby monotones. Blowhard says there is no right to privacy in a deposition. Toby says you have to prove relevancy. Blowhard says Andi's being sued by her constituents for failing to disclose a medical disability while seeking votes. Blowhard says they're trying to discover the scope of the conspiracy. "The conspiracy was massive," Toby says. Heh. "How pregnant is your ex-wife?" Blowhard says. Toby says pregnancy is a binary state -- either you are or you aren't. Blowhard asks if Toby is the father. "Once again, there are medical records," Toby says. Somebody walks in with a note and hands it to Toby's counsel. Blowhard says that Toby and the ex-wife conceived the baby out of wedlock. "There are two babies," Toby says. Counsel suggests that they pick this up again after the holidays. The holidays of 2007. "That's fine," Blowhard says. The stenographer makes sure to get that last bit down. Toby gets up and says that he's told on his sunniest days he's not that fun to be around. "What's gonna happen when you make my children a part of your life?" he asks. It's not exactly "Go ahead punk, make my day," but it'll do. Toby walks out, leaving Blowhard to blow alone. Hard.

C.J. is briefing the press on POTUS's travel schedule. C.J. looks at a reporter in the doorway and asks what he's doing there. She says he's supposed to come in as Santa Claus. "We did it already," he says. "Where was I?" C.J. asks, all disappointed. A reporter says she was with the president and they started wondering about the weather. "You exchanged gifts?" C.J. asks. C.J. says this is exactly what happened to Ebenezer Scrooge. He was a very nice guy until something happened with Mr. Fezziwig that she can't remember. Exhausted. Exhausted, I am! C.J. prepares to get back to business, but a Santa does indeed make an entrance. C.J.'s happy. She asks Santa to be mindful of security, but he's already clear. Santa asks if C.J.'s been a good girl. "I've been bad. I've been very bad," she says. Santa gives her a tiny box with a nice bow. "Even better," he says. Inside: a goldfish pin. She thanks everyone for it. Everyone gets up to leave. She explains to Santa that she likes goldfish, the crackers actually, and there was a guy and -- she gets kissed full on the lips by Santa. Whoa ho ho! "Danny?" C.J. asks, just after the kiss. Danny takes off his Santa beard and hat. "What's going on?" he asks. He's got a bit of the Santa beard going himself. He and C.J. hug.

Hallway. Will is waiting in the hallway as Toby comes inside from the snow. Toby asks why Will is waiting in the hall instead of his office. Will points to the floor and talks about the holy line of demarcation. Where the West Wing starts, he won't go. Toby says he wasn't listening. Will repeats it. Toby says he didn't care. Toby, you are not alone in this world. Will presents some congressional papers. Toby says it's inconvenient having Will in another office and doing stuff in the hallway. He wants Will closer. But not like that. Toby says Will can have the office to his. Will offers three reasons why not. 1. He's not the deputy. 2. It's Sam's office. 3. It's way past the holy line of demarcation. If I never hear the words "holy line of demarcation" again, I'll be a happy recapper. "That's the Oval Office over there, right?" Will asks. He averts his eyes. I like you very much, Joshua Malina, but this character is already grating. Will says that if he moves into the office, the other speechwriters will resent him. Toby argues that everyone in the White House will resent Will for having a West Wing office: "Yet, curiously, I don't care." Will asks about the notes on the congressional session. Toby tells him to get his stuff and they'll talk about it. Toby sniffs as Will exits the scene.

Toby shuffles to his office, picking up some papers, and asks someone to call the EPA for him. He walks right past an old man sitting in a chair inside his office. "Toby," the man says. Hey, it's Hesh from The Sopranos, wearing severe glasses. Toby gets as rattled as he's capable of getting with a long moment of silence. "Ginger," Toby calls out. Mob Dad says he's on the level. Josh got him an appointment with Toby. "Josh got you in; you talked to Josh?" Toby says, surprised. Ginger shows up at the door. Mob Dad introduces himself as Toby's father, Julie Zeigler. Toby tells Ginger to have security stand by at Station 6. It always gives you a bit of an edge against estranged relatives when you have a security staff to back you up. Mob Dad tells Toby not to do this; Toby's brother and sisters let him into their lives. He plays with the grandchildren. He read in the newspaper that Toby's going to have twins. Well, not Toby, exactly, but Toby did have something to do with it. Mob Dad says he's happy for Toby and talks about him all the time. Toby walks right out of the office, leaving Mob Dad to stand alone as we watch him through the office blinds.

Commercials. ER is doing a backward episode? Here's a novel, original idea: Why not do an hour in real-time and plant a nuclear device somewhere in the city?

POTUS moment. He tells someone that there's a new international math and science study and the U.S. ranked nineteenth out of twenty-one countries. "That's not very good," says someone we can't see yet. "Who did worse?" Cyprus and South Africa. Unseen Guy says that's questionable company because you really don't think of Cyprus in the field. But yeah, we suck. Given that I'm watching this show on pretty much entirely foreign technology and hearing it on a Sony receiver, the man has a point. POTUS says that one-third of all math teachers and one half of science teachers didn't major or minor in that subject. Yeah, I remember all my high-school teachers who went from coaching the football team to teaching me quadratic equations. To this day I still can't square anything. Hey, it's Adam Arkin! Thank God you finally escaped the fiery depths of Chicago Hope. Arkin says he did very well in math and science, but doesn't know why. "And we'll want to get to the bottom of that," POTUS snarks, before moving on to his own, obviously more important end of the conversation. POTUS says the U.S. has increased education spending to $100 billion so that now we use seventh-grade textbooks in ninth grade and the same answers get a high score on SATs. Yeah, back in my day, we had to shovel through ten feet of snow to fill in those Scantron forms. "That pissed me off," Arkin says. POTUS says he's talking about children now. Man, Bartlet, why don't you just hire a guy to stand with a full-length mirror, Morris Day-style, so you can have these conversations with yourself properly? "What'd you get?" Arkin asks, about the SATs. "You don't want to know," POTUS says. Kill me. Kill me. Please. Kill me. Arkin guess double 800s. POTUS says he got 800/790. "For the life of me, I can't imagine what I got wrong," he says. Maybe there was a question about humility somewhere in there. He says he took them again and got 800/790. He begins to wonder if there might have been some No. 2 pencil anomaly. Arkin interrupts to make clear that POTUS got 800/790, but still took the test again. This surprises him why? "I know, it's a little...something," POTUS acknowledges. Yes, Arkin agrees. It's something, all right. Yeah. I think this scene is a little... something. Something I constantly have to scoop out of my cats' litter box.

POTUS says that education has reached a crisis level and the U.S. infant mortality rate is two and half times what it is in Singapore. POTUS says that what he thinks we should do for starters is keep more people alive, then send them to school, then get some peace and prosperity going. Brilliant! Sign me up for that bill! Arkin asks whether POTUS feels he hasn't been doing enough. POTUS says the width and depth of what he hasn't done about it yet...and he doesn't finish that thought. He says you can't do anything about hurricanes or nature or bad luck. Wouldn't hurricanes be all three? He says he ought to be able to do something about the airplane. "Uh oh," Arkin says. "Wait, what'd I just say?" POTUS asks. Arkin says that POTUS introduced a new word into the conversation. "What do airplanes signify?" POTUS asks. "Death," Arkin says. Is that true? Because, damn. In dreams, Arkin thinks. He doesn't know. What good is he? POTUS says he never thought to ask, but is Arkin a doctor? "How do you mean?" Arkin asks. POTUS chuckles a little then he gets really sad. He says he's been spacing out in meetings. Three times this week. He realizes when someone's talking that he wasn't listening. "That's unusual," Arkin says. "Very," POTUS says. Spacing out when someone is talking is abnormal? Tell that to every student in the country. No, really, tell them that. Maybe we won't be nineteenth anymore.

In the hall, Josh runs into C.J. She asks how it's going. Josh says that Leo and POTUS have gone Christmas-crazier than usual. C.J. says Danny's back. Josh says he got an email from Danny. He asks if there're any sparks. C.J. asks Josh to come over to her office. She brings up the U.S. Rangers in Bermuda. "You told Leo?" Josh asks. She says she told Leo but didn't ask him any questions. Josh asks whether Danny thinks they landed a Gulfstream in Bermuda, assassinated Sharif, disassembled the pieces, and dispersed them throughout the Bermuda Triangle. "Yeah," C.J. says. Josh says it sounds like Danny spent too much time in the "Africa hot." C.J. says the thing is, she's absolutely certain that's what happened. Josh says they're not supposed to talk about this. C.J. says that if it's true, they need to say so before Danny does. "We've been her before," she says. "Not here, but I get your point," Josh says.

Zoey and POTUS are walking along the building outside. She asks what he thinks. POTUS says that Frenchie is the best-looking person he's ever seen in real life. Zoey asks whether POTUS wants to hear about her boyfriend's lineage. He does, unfortunately. She rattles off his name, which is about twenty pounds of French cheese. Zoey says he's the twenty-second of whatever that long name is that my closed captioning still stubbornly refuses to reveal to me. She says that lineage was interrupted by the French Revolution. POTUS acknowledges the setback. Zoey asks if Frenchie can come stay with them to Manchester for Christmas. POTUS says it's really sweet that she still comes to him on something like that. He says it's classy and old-fashioned. But the answer is "not in a million years." POTUS asks Zoey to sit down. He says that when she was two years old, he wanted Zoey to like him and he wasn't sure she did. He says that with the other two kids, his act just worked, but with Zoey, he had to try harder. She asks what's wrong. He says he did something a few months ago and he's sure he was right and would do it again, but that it's hard to live with. She looks troubled. He says this is ridiculous and that it's freezing and pulls Zoey inside before he can reveal the Troubling Assassination Secret.

Inside, Leo greets Zoey and POTUS. Zoey kisses Leo on the cheek. POTUS tells Zoey to go with her mom and that Frenchie can come to Manchester. Oui! He says that her door will be guarded by two U.S. Marshals. Zoey leaves. Leo says, in a hearty, paternal way, that she looks great. "I almost told her," POTUS says. Leo's smile fades. POTUS says he's been exorcising his demons by having Josh shoehorn infant-mortality money into the HHS budget on Dec. 23 at 8 PM. Leo says he's been doing the same thing by trying to get Israelis and Arabs to like each other. "How's it going?" POTUS asks. "It's a challenge," Leo says. Leo says Danny knows a guy who couldn't get to his locker. "Yeah," POTUS says. "We'll figure it out," Leo says. "Yeah." POTUS brings up the SAT thing and asks if Leo thinks the last answer that POTUS didn't get right is important. "No," Leo says. POTUS says, "How the hell would you know, you scored 1400." Um. Ass? Charlie knocks.

Toby and Will come in. POTUS starts right in. He says the reason he doesn't want to talk about finance reform at the inauguration is because it's not a legislative issue and when they cite issues it should be ones that affect people's lives. POTUS asks if they agree. Toby says he does. "Anything else?" POTUS asks. Toby looks to Will, but he says nothing. As they exit, Toby defends Will. He says that when he caught the note, Will came to him and wasn't distracted by an office full of bikes. Will says, "Excuse me?" It turns out the bad note was planted to see how he does telling truth to power. "Not very well so far," POTUS says without looking up from something he's reading. Will says he has no problem telling truth to power. POTUS says that when he asked Will to come into the office, Will said, "No, no no no no no no." Will says he was firm in his convictions. POTUS points out that Will called him "Mr. Justice." Leo starts to talk, but Will interrupts him by saying that it is an issue that affects everybody and you can't have three terms and you can't bring it up in the middle of your term. "Maybe," Leo says, "but I'm not convinced, and that's because you haven't convinced me." Leo says this is big-boy school. "You understand?" Leo says. Will says he does. Leo says it's Christmas and Will probably has someplace to go. Will takes his cue and exits. Shame! Toby thanks POTUS.

Hallway. Josh catches Toby and asks him to come over to the first empty room he can find. Josh says it was desperation, not out of a desire to do evil. Josh says Mob Dad had a young family and barely spoke the language. He went to jail, and Toby went to school, and it was all a half century ago. Josh tells Toby to look what Mob Dad did in two generations. "What room did you just walk out of?" Josh asks. Toby says he appreciates that that's what Josh thinks, but asks if Toby gets to think what he thinks. "No," Josh tells him. Josh says that Toby doesn't know what he knows. That Josh would give anything to have a living father who was a felon or a sister with a past. Josh says that's it and leaves the room. Toby is silent.

Leo stops Josh in the hall. Leo says that Josh is off the hook on both items he's working on. Josh says it's fine. He's got Donna and they have a whole night planned. Leo says he's calling it off and that he found a news helicopter going two miles from where Donna is staying. "Donna left?" Josh asks. Leo says she did, and tells him to forget the Nativity. They'll get it time. Josh is sad.

Toby walks back into his office. Mob Dad is standing. Mob Dad starts saying that Toby should know some of the history; he shouldn't have to ask when Anastasia was killed. "Oh my God," Toby says. He says he knows when Anastasia was killed, he knows about that candy store in Brownsville, Louis Amberg (who was nicknamed "Pretty") and the Half-Moon Hotel, six-story window, Coney Island. Toby's voice has risen. Mob Dad says that Dutch Schultz never heard of him. (Dutch tried to have Thomas Dewey killed.) Mob Dad explains that it only happened to terrible people -- murderers themselves. Loan sharks, heroin, these were their neighborhoods. "We don't have to do this all in one night," Toby says. That stops the conversation. "What?" Mob Dad asks. Silence. Toby says it's getting late and Mob Dad can stay on his couch. "Get you out in the morning," Toby adds under his breath. "I should stay tonight with you?" Mob Dad asks. "You should stay tonight with me," Toby says. Mob Dad gets his coat. Mob Dad asks about the health of the twins. "Very healthy," Toby answers. Mob Dad asks if he's got some names picked out. Not yet. Outside the office, Mob Dad asks who it's been that's been singing all day. "The Whiffenpoofs," Toby tells him, explaining that they're a group from Yale there to do a series of concerts. Mob Dad can't believe it. Toby says he's surprised he hasn't heard of them; he used to like Cole Porter a lot. "And they're singing right now in this building?" Mob Dad asks. They go over to listen a bit. The Whiffenpoofs are in a room singing "O Holy Night." It's actually kinda nice. Toby and Mob Dad stand there. Mob Dad looks shaken. "I'm having the strongest memory," Mob Dad says, translating something he said that Toby didn't catch.

Leo and Josh. Leo asks if he was insensitive before when he told Josh that Donna was gone. The song is still playing. Josh says no. He says it's fine, it's great. He was feeling guilty, but this is fine, better than good... "Oh get it together, would you please?" Leo says, interrupting Josh's fumbling. Josh says he's trying. "Okay," Leo says. He says there's something they have to talk about. "You'll tell me when you need to," Josh says. Leo starts to walk away. He says it's four years later and there are things that are worse and things that are exactly the same. "Where do you start?" Leo asks. "By fixing the roofs," Josh says. He says he's still on the phones and staying. He asks if Leo wants to stay, too. He does.

Musical montage. We pan over: Danny tapping on a laptop; C.J.'s goldfish and then C.J. herself, looking at some papers; Charlie walking out; Zoey and Frenchie walking; Sam's office, where a campaign poster of him is hanging so we don't forget him just yet; Will in the bike-laden office practicing how not to be a wuss in the future; POTUS at a window, looking out; Leo on the phones, drinking coffee; Josh calling someone on a cell phone, but apparently getting no answer; Josh looking in on Toby and Mob Dad as they listen to the 'Poofs; the Whiffenpoofs themselves, singing in a multitude of sweaters. We pan back and behind Toby and Mob Dad. The End.

By the way, I caught the Al Gore/West Wing bit on Saturday Night Live this week and it was by far the funniest part of the show. Kudos.

time: Deborah! Welcome her back with kisses and gifts.