Election Night

Previously on The West Wing: Jed pulled a gag on Toby. Whoever saw fit to remind us of this here ruined the opening scene for some of us.

Titles inform us that the site is the Precinct Four Polling Place, West End Public Library, 24th & L. It's 7:17 AM. Josh votes. Someone gives him a sticker that I guess says "I voted" or "Now mostly Amy-free" or something. Some older guy in a plaid shirt and hooded jacket comes over to him and asks if he's Josh Lyman. The guy wants to ask him about the fact that Bartlet's on the ballot for both the Statehood Party and the Democratic Party, and whether it's okay that he voted for him in both columns. Josh says it's not. Plaid Shirt says he already did. Josh says you can only vote once. Plaid Shirt says POTUS is on the ballot twice. Josh says he's on the ballot more than that. Plaid Shirt announces that he's for statehood. Josh, rubbing his head: "Me too, and yours is a vote we didn't get." Just then another guy, wearing glasses, interrupts. Glasses wants to know if he heard Josh say he's supposed to vote in both columns. Josh patiently explains that you can vote for POTUS in whatever column you want, but only once. A woman in a knitted cloche comes up and says that's right as Plaid Shirt drifts away. Knitted Cloche says she'll tell Glasses a shortcut: "If you just, say, vote for one Democrat, and leave all the rest of the boxes blank, then you voted for all the Democrats." Josh: "Yes. No!" Glasses drifts away. Josh explains you can't vote for a party, you have to vote for a person. Knitted Cloche thinks he's wrong. Josh insists he's not. Knitted Cloche says she left all but one box blank. Josh: "Well, then you voted for none but one candidate." He wants to know if she voted for the President. Knitted Cloche: "Oh, who remembers?" Josh: "It was a minute and a half ago!" She tells him not to be rude. He apologizes and thanks her for voting.

Josh walks toward an escalator as an attractive woman dressed all in red says, "Excuse me." He's slightly testy until he gets a load of her and then he's all "Yes. Hello." Red says, "You're who I think you are, right?" Josh: "I can be anybody you want." Maybe that "Amy-free" sticker's working for ya, Josh. She chuckles and says that's funny. They get on the escalator, and she mentions that she overheard his conversations. Josh: "Just part of the job, ma'am." "Ma'am." Heh. I hope he uses the word "shucks" in here, too. She says he must hear some pretty silly questions. Josh: "Well, I'm just worried, because they all tried to vote for Bartlet, and if this keeps up, we're headed toward the biggest electoral upset in history and nobody's going to be able to figure out why." She says she tells her parents just to rank the candidates in order of preference. Josh: "No!" A woman going down on the escalator to them tells Josh she voted for Bartlet in all three boxes. Josh, as she descends out of conversational range: "No...listen to me, your ballot is invalid." He tells Red hers is, too.

Josh and Red are at the floor now, and he tells her to punch the box to the candidate you prefer once, and nothing else. He starts to walk away, but she keeps up with him and says, "I'm sorry, one more thing: I have a message from Toby Ziegler." Red repeats her comment. Josh stops and looks puzzled: "You know Toby?" She says, "He says...'ten dollars.'" She holds up a bill. Behind her, Plaid Shirt, Glasses, Knitted Cloche and Escalator Lady have gathered to wave at Josh as it dawns on him. He says, all dimply as heck, "I see. You guys are a little troupe. A little acting troupe, with a U." Plaid Shirt approaches him and says, "Yes, sir, we are. Can I give you a card?" Josh: "No." Plaid Shirt replies, "Mr. Ziegler said you were a little edgy on election days, so just to show there are no hard feelings, how about if I go down there and vote for the President right now?" Josh thinks that would be nice, as he turns to leave. Plaid Shirt asks, "Do you happen to know if I need to be...I don't know, pre-registered or something?" Josh stops, his expression weary, then bursts through the doors in front of him and shouts, "Yes!" Credits. Sorkin writes some pretty good pranks, and that would have been much more amusing if it hadn't been so obviously signalled by the "previouslies" that you could use it to bring in a 747 in a snowstorm. If I were him, I'd be pretty mad at whoever thought that was a good idea.

10:00 AM. Senior staff and a few others are meeting in the Roosevelt Room to discuss Bartlet-Hoynes balloons and banners for the expected victory celebrations. Sam doesn't want to see any displays of partisanship, and nixes everything but the American flag. C.J. says she's using the Seal, and that she's putting House and Senate Leadership up there. Sam says, "No balloons, no confetti." C.J. wants to know why. Sam says it's not a party. It's not? When you get re-elected Grand Poobah of the Greatest Superpower Ever, it's not a party? C.J. insists that it's a party. Sam says, "It is, but we won. We don't have to pander." Toby: "Please don't say that." C.J.: "On your birthday, don't we pander to you?" Sam -- quietly to C.J., with just the right amount of suggestiveness (i.e., not too much): "Not as much I'd like." Toby, from the other end of the table: "I'm not kidding." C.J.: "What are you babbling about?" Toby says they haven't won anything yet. C.J. says that the speech is done. Toby says that two speeches are done, and indicates that he wrote one for Bartlet to give if he wins and one for him to give if he loses. Sam: "You wrote a concession?" Of course he did. We know how Toby hates to tempt fate. Toby: "What, do you want to tempt the wrath of the...whatever, from high atop the thing?" Bwah! This is probably my favourite line all season. Sam: "No." Toby: "Then go outside, turn around three times, and spit! What the hell's the matter with you?" I love Toby when he gets religious, superstitious, or metaphysical. Sam chuckles to himself as he sits down, "It's, like, twenty-five degrees outside." Being Canadian, I mentally calculate what that is in Celsius, which Frink taught me to do, so I can figure out that it's about -4 degrees Celsius. Which is rather warmer than it is here right now, let me tell you. Toby: "Go!"

Josh arrives. C.J. can't wait, she puts on some foreign accent and says, "Oh, Mr. Lyman, I see your picture in the magazine. Tell me, if I swallow my ballot, does it still..." Josh grins and replies, "A little Election Day humour, that's great." Sam tells Josh that Toby wrote a concession speech. Josh wonders what possible reason Toby would have for not writing a concession speech. Sam: "The wrath from high atop the thing." Toby, to Josh: "He upped [sic] and said we were gonna..." He doesn't complete the sentence for obvious reasons. Sam shrugs. Josh hollers at Sam, "No, you gotta go outside, turn around three times, and curse." Toby: "Spit." Josh: "Spit! And curse." Toby: "Do everything. Go!" They both start barking, "Go!" at Sam. Sam finally gives in, gets up and leaves, thinking that despite their reputations, Californians couldn't possibly be any flakier than this. Hope none of the press photographers is hanging around outside when he performs this little ritual. Josh says, "These things have a half-life, you know, you can't just..." Toby wants to know when they're meeting . Ed says the first round of exits is at 11:00 AM. Toby says they'll meet then unless there's a reason to meet earlier. Where the heck is Bruno? I mean, I long ago gave up thinking we'd see Shrug or Connie around, but you'd think Bruno might be around to gloat, if nothing else. As the meeting breaks up, C.J. asks to speak to Toby.

Walking to Toby's office, C.J. says there's a little bit of trouble for him. They close the door and C.J. starts, "Listen, I know better than to stick my face in your personal life, except, you know, for sport..." It turns out that Roll Call has found out from the Office of Congress's Attending Physician that Andi's pregnant. Toby wonders when they started doing more than flu vaccinations. C.J. explains they need updated medical records, and Roll Call will connect the dots: "It's gonna be bad for her and bad for you." Toby: "You mean bad for us." C.J. says she can handle the "us" part, but wants to know what Andi's plan is. Toby doesn't know; he says they haven't talked about it. That stretches credulity, doesn't it? He works in the West Wing, she's a Congresswoman, they're divorced and she's pregnant and they haven't discussed the image and spin issues? Rating on the Credulity Strain-o-Meter: 7. Speaking of Andi's being a Congresswoman, shouldn't there be some mention of her needing to campaign for herself, even just a little? Maybe she's uncontested or something, but an offhand reference to that would have helped. C.J. says that Andi has to be "proactive," which is one of my least favourite non-words. Toby knows. C.J. softly says, "It would be nice if we could announce a wedding." Toby: "I'm working on that, thanks." C.J. ascertains that he'll speak to Andi, and then leaves.

Outside his office, C.J. runs into Sam and asks, "Did you..." Sam: "Yes, I turned, I cursed, I spat, it froze." C.J. calls out as she disappears, "You can't be too careful." Sam, mostly to himself: "I think you can." Bonnie tells Sam that Will Bailey's on the phone. Sam sings "Bill Bailey" to himself, substituting "Will" for "Bill." He picks up the phone and says, "Sancho, how you doing?" Will: "I'm Sancho?" Sam says he is. Will says okay. He tells Sam he's got exit polls showing the Democrats are winning. Sam wants to give Will "a nickel's worth of free advice," and tells him that Democrats vote early, as do "die-hards." Sam wants Will to call in every hour. Sam comes out and asks Bonnie if Democrats vote early. She agrees that they do. He asks Ginger about Democrats and die-hards and she agrees that they vote early, too. Sam: "Okay." He wanders off.

Shot of a gorgeous stained-glass window -- they have more beautiful churches and buildings on this show -- and titles inform us it's First Emmanuel Episcopal Church, Manchester, NH. Abby emerges from a striped tent of a voting booth. It's probably just me, but I think there's something questionable about voting in a house of worship. People applaud when Abby comes out, and one of a small group of reporters asks her if she'll tell them whom she voted for. Abby, depositing her vote: "Nobody. I was just fixing my makeup." I'd work on the hair, myself. It's not as bad as in the last episode, but it's still just...I don't know, messy, and there's too much of it. It overpowers her and hides her face. She's pretty tiny, really. Abby's asked how she's spending the rest of the day; she replies, "Filling out Chicago ballots, just pitching in. He's going to be flying around, thanking supporters." Another guy -- a reporter we've seen before but whose name I can't remember, though I want to say "Chris" -- asks if there's any suspense today. Abby says there are about fourteen competitive Senate races and about forty-six House races, and that here in New Hampshire, there's a $600 million bond issue. She adds, "Plus, no one's elected my husband President yet."

Right then, POTUS emerges from his tent to applause and camera flashes. The same reporter asks Bartlet how he would feel if he won the election but lost New Hampshire. Jed: "Better than if I won my home state but lost my home country." Abby signs autographs. Jed: "The only poll that matters closes in seventeen hours." He's asked whether he voted for the bond issue. He cites chapter and verse about not electioneering near a polling booth as he leads them all out. Once he gets near the exit, he says he voted for the bond issue, and that it's going to improve public education without a tax abatement. Outside, there are more reporters and photographers. Katie asks if he has anything to say to Governor Writchie. Jed puts on his best Nelson voice and says, "HA-ha!" No, Jed says he figures that, one way or another, they'll be speaking later tonight, and that he has to get back to work: "You can hockle [sic] Abby for a while -- she's taking the plane." Jed grasps Abby's hand and gives her a quick smooch on the cheek. As Jed walks to his limo, Charlie hands him some stuff to sign. Jed asks Charlie to find him some aspirin. Charlie's somewhat concerned, and wonders about calling the doctor, but Jed says he's fine, and that it's just a headache. Jed: "Just me and you, today, okay? I'm fine. I'll sign these in the car." He gets in the back of the limo by himself and prepares to sign the papers. As he dons his glasses and prepares to put pen to paper, we see that his hand is shaking so much that he can't steady it. These are not little tremors; his hand's really wavering. He says to himself, "Come on..." His hand will not cooperate. He closes the folder, tosses it aside, and says, "Okay, this can wait." He tells the driver, "Let's go!" As they drive off, he rests his hand on his thigh, where it shakes uncontrollably. He puts his left hand over it. The motorcade drives off, leaving the church in the distance.

1:30 PM. Titles inform us that 597,343 votes have been cast for Bartlet; Writchie has 551,794. In California, Wilde has a tiny lead with 16,916 votes; Webb has 16,864. Josh wanders the halls outside his office sighing, "Nothing's happening right now." He announces, to no one in particular (although Donna's in the background), "By the end of the night, 100 million votes will be cast. Polls have been open in the East for six and a half hours. You know how many votes have been cast? One percent." He sighs again. "Everybody votes after work. Not me. I vote first thing." He keeps babbling as Donna goes about her business, glancing at the TV now and then. He mentions that it's raining in Oregon, among other things. He says, "This is like the ionization blackout period." Donna finally asks, "Pumpkin Patch, is there anything I can do to get you to go to the movies for eight hours?" Josh remembers that he has a Senior Staff meeting. Donna asks Josh to do her a favour, and produces a copy of her absentee ballot. She wants him to get Bartlet to sign it, and then she'll frame it. She mentions that POTUS is the first winner she's voted for. Josh looks at her ballot and wonders if it's a joke; he tells her that Toby already pulled his "invalid ballots" gag. Donna: "My ballot's invalid?" Josh: "This isn't a joke?" No, it's just Donna's turn to be the village idiot again. She seems to pull the short straw pretty frequently. Donna's stunned to learn that she voted for Writchie. Josh -- who seems way less annoyed about it than you'd think -- says, "Yeah, your 'picking the winner streak' is probably over." She runs after him saying it's an optical scan ballot, and she drew a line through the Democratic ticket. Josh says that's almost what she did, but apparently she actually drew a line through the Republican ticket and voted for every Republican in Wisconsin. Josh: "I would check; you may have voted for McCarthy." Donna says she's going to rectify it. Josh: "How?" Donna doesn't know, but insists that her vote will be counted. Donna: "I don't want it counted." Josh says he's going into the meeting and wonders if she still wants it signed. Donna: "Give me that!" She rushes off. She looks all the more stupid since Josh sees at a glance that she's done it wrong, when presumably she had all the time in the world to look it over and figure it out.

Josh tells Debbie he's going in. She's busy drawing lots of lines on a paper using a ruler. This whole section is longer than it needs to be and a bit tedious so let's cut to the chase: Debbie has instituted some new rules and conveyed them to the staff via email. One of them is that senior staff may not attend meetings without their briefing memos, because too much time is wasted regurgitating agenda items and priorities for staff members who don't have their memos. Josh doesn't have his. He says he'll remember it time, and tries to go in. Debbie makes him go get his memo for this meeting. Josh leaves, saying, "I'm going to humour the new girl." Debbie: "Appreciate it."

Out in the hall, Josh runs into Charlie, who asks him, "Going to get your briefing memo?" Josh says he is. Debbie tells Charlie that Security just called and wants to speak with him. When Charlie gets out there, he sees Anthony and another hulking fellow about the size of three Anthonys, and much taller. Charlie: "What the hell? Anthony." Charlie walks over to the security desk and says, "Michelle, he's with me." Michelle: "Which one?" Charlie: "The regular-sized one." He asks the big guy who he is; Big Guy introduces himself: "Orlando Kettles, boss, how you doing?" They shake hands. Charlie calls Anthony aside; Anthony says he brought Orlando with him today. Charlie: "Yeah. First of all, they're a little prickly about security around here. You're not down as Anthony-plus-one. You see the guns standing around now?" Anthony explains that his friend's going to Columbus as their starting right tackle. He talks up Orlando's mad football skillz. Charlie wants to know if Anthony's Orlando's agent. Anthony: "We don't have nothing in writing." Anthony's sure dialled down the surly wannabe gangsta 'tude.

Apparently Orlando got caught driving with an open can of Pabst in his hand. Not any beer, mind you: Pabst. That's Pabst Blue Ribbon. They've been brewing that great mountain fresh taste since 1878. Did I mention that it was a can of Pabst he had in the car? Blue Ribbon? Oh, I did? Okay. Charlie turns to Orlando, who's still standing over by Security: "You were driving drunk?" Orlando: "No way, boss." Anthony explains that Orlando passed the breathalyzer but got burned for the open can, and adds that Orlando's going to be kept out of the game because of the can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, with its great mountain fresh taste; Anthony wants Charlie to pull some strings. Charlie doesn't know what Anthony expects of him: "I'm not Officer Krupke. I have a job." Anthony: "Hey, could you try to think back to the days before you were Secretary of State or something? There are good guys and there are bad guys, and when the good guys stop letting you play with them, the bad guys have a recruiting field day." Charlie, if you pull this kid's ass out of the fire, Anthony's going to be bringing a steady stream of juvenile delinquents in here for you to save. On the other hand, that could be your chance at your own spinoff. Charlie wants to know, "When did you start talking like Mickey Spillane?" Anthony: "I don't know. Who's Officer Cupcake?" Hee. I resemble that remark. Charlie: "Okay, you're seeing a musical." Don't do it, Anthony! You don't have to. He can't make you. Well, he probably can, with that whole parole thing. Anthony marvels at Orlando's considerable size and says he's not done growing yet. Good gravy. How much bigger is he going to get? He asks Charlie whom he wants Orlando playing for. Charlie wants to know about any priors Orlando's got. Anthony swears that there's nothing, but then admits that Orlando stole a goat. Charlie starts to ask why, and then decides he doesn't care. He asks Anthony, "You got a Social Security number?" Anthony hands it to Charlie, and Charlie walks over to Orlando and tells him he's not going to practice this afternoon. It's Election Day, and he's going to spend it with Charlie. Orlando doesn't have to think it over for long: "Yeah, man, I done wind sprints and I'll take the swap."

Charlie, Anthony, and Orlando all walk off together. Charlie says, "This is the White House. Frederick Douglass came here. Mondays through Fridays, we wear coats and ties." Charlie taps Anthony with a file folder and says, "That goes for you too, Mugsy." Anthony: "Hey Charlie, not for nothing but just so you know, some of your higher-end places provide a jacket for you." "Not for nothing"? He's clearly been hanging out with this crowd for a while. he'll be saying, "Orlando, maybe not so much for you with the Pabst." Oops! Pabst Blue Ribbon. Charlie tells him he's confusing the White House with the Friar's Club. Well, with all the comedy around here, you can see how he might. Charlie tells Anthony that the people Charlie works with are serious people; he warns Anthony and Orlando not to embarrass him. Orlando: "You got it, boss." Just then, they pass a doorway through which Josh is rushing to get back to the senior staff meeting with his briefing memo. He crashes hard, right into all three-hundred and some odd pounds of Orlando, and falls backward on the floor, slightly bewildered. Orlando says, "Whoa, man, that wasn't cool." Actually, it sort of was. He extends his hand to help Josh up. As Josh collects himself, he says that Orlando should play football. Orlando: "Hey man, I'm trying, but I had an open Pabst, and that's the way that goes." Well, if you don't make the football team, I think that great mountain fresh taste will soothe your jangled nerves. There's a longish shot while Josh watches them walk away. I betcha he's black and blue by the time the polls close.

4:00 PM (PST) Bartlet: 39,063,986 votes; Writchie: 32,365,173. Wilde: 41,364; Webb: 41, 374. Will Bailey takes a call from the County Clerk's legal counsel. He complains that there are power outages in the Case Verde precinct in Santa Ana, and that traffic lights are going on and off in his only legitimately Democratic precinct, so he wants to know whom he would have to speak to in her office about election tampering, if he loses by a hundred votes because people can't cross the street. Sounds like the Clerk is getting on the case immediately. Will hangs up and says, "Pull the sound trucks from Laguna Hills. There isn't enough foot traffic. Put 'em in Anaheim." Elsie tries to get his attention, eventually calling him "Willy" just as he shouts, "When the hell's it going to rain?" Will tells Elsie not to call him that. She says, "The die's been cast, big brother. You're making everyone crazy." Will says, "There's a moment after you cast the die but before it hits the table. Breathe wrong and you'll change the way it lands." He bellows, "Can I get a new weather report?" Elsie wanders away, discouraged by her inability to discourage him. Behind Will is a poster that says "CENSORSHIP IS UNAMERICAN." I wonder if that's Sorkin's little gesture (guess which finger) toward the network mentality that forces him to restrain his use of profanity, a grievance he's expressed more than once.

7:15 PM. Bartlet: 41,182,004 votes; Writchie: 34,091,976. Wilde: 41,382; Webb: 41,484. It's dark now, and Donna's pitching some bow-tie-wearing Writchie supporter outside the polling station. Bow Tie wonders why, if Bartlet's so smart, his people don't know how to fill out a ballot. He wonders whether it says that Bartlet's out of touch. As he walks away, Donna yells, "Or maybe it says that even with the President's supporters accidentally voting for the wrong candidate, you're still gonna get creamed, you little fascist! This is an honour thing!" Wow. Overreact much?

Behind Donna, Christian Slater gets out of a cab and asks if someone stole her purse. Donna: "Me? No." He says okay and starts to go, but in typical Donna fashion she spills all: "I'm on a mission and I said I'd be twenty minutes and it's been six hours and it's starting to get kind of cold." Slater says she was shouting at no one. You can sort of see he's wearing a uniform under his trench coat. Donna says, "Little guy. Bow tie." Slater says, "As long as you're okay." He starts to go again, but she decides to give him her pitch, tossing her hair a little bit and asking him if he minds if she asks who he's voting for. He kind of does mind. Donna says that's perfectly fair and asks him instead, "Are you voting for Writchie, or the President?" He says he's going to go inside. Donna: "Lieutenant, I'm not a crazy person and I'm not asking you for the bomb sequence on the USS Essex. Now, be a man and tell me who you're voting for." Lieutenant replies, "Writchie, and you demoted me a rank." Donna: "I'm so sorry. I'm seeing your shoulders now, Lieutenant Commander." He says, "Reese." Donna: "Reese is a nice name. Reese what?" Reese: "Lieutenant Commander Reese. Jack Reese." Donna: "Can I talk to you about something?" He tries to explain to her that this is the first election where he won't have had to cast an absentee ballot, and that he was looking forward to pulling that lever. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Donna pours out her Wisconsin absentee ballot tale. He says he's usually on a Los Angeles class sub in the South China Sea. Donna: "Don't try to trump me here. It's not a battle. We're in this together." He says they're not. She makes her pitch for him to vote for POTUS. He considers it a moment and says, "Yeah, okay." Donna: "Really?" Reese: "Yeah, sounds about right." She gets a big goofy smile on her face: "I'm Donna." Reese: "Jack." She says, "Commander." Reese: "Jack's fine." I'd say she really wants to call you "Commander." I'd run with that if I were you, especially if I spent most of my time sealed in a tin can filled with seamen. Donna asks why he's not on a sub right now. He hasn't been for a little while. Donna: "What's your billet?" He says it used to be Regional Director for the Joint Chiefs of Southeast Asia, but he's just been transferred to Nancy McNally's office. Donna doesn't tell him where she works. He says he's gotta go vote. She pulls out her photocopy of her ballot, but he's not interested: "No, no. It's an honour thing, right?" She smiles and nods. He goes to the door, gallantly holding it for two voters who are exiting, and gives her a brief backward glance as he walks in side. When he's gone, Donna kind of does one little circle of delight on the street before she walks away. I don't know, I didn't really get any chemistry between these two.