Bad Moon Rising

Previously on The West Wing: Jed told Toby about his relapsing remitting MS; Toby tore Jed and Leo new ones; Jed wondered whether Toby's pissed because he wasn't the first to know; Toby's not sure so Jed's going to be running for re-election; Leo insists Jed hasn't broken any laws; Toby informs Jed they're going to have to speak to some lawyers in the very near future.

The scene opens in an elegant office lined with shelves full of law books. A title informs us that this is the Office of the White House Counsel. A staffer, whom I'm going to call Nicole until Sorkin gives me a reason to do otherwise, is telling Oliver Platt to go home, because he's been up all night. (I guess Lionel Tribby must have cracked up when he finally got to his warm place, with the little umbrellas. Or maybe Ainsley was the last straw.) He points out that this is because his staff's work on the analysis of HR 437 "ignored the Fourth-Amendment implications, and instead, became fascinated with the Third, Seventh, and Eleventh." This has caused him to be up all night. Both staffers present wearily acknowledge this. Oliver gripes, "Like you've got to be a prime number to get the attention of the U.S. Supreme Court." Nicole tells him to go home and get a few hours' sleep before he has to go to the airport. Oliver asks again where he's going; she says he's going on vacation. He insists it's not a vacation, it's a forced vacation. I don't know about this guy, but personally, I'll take any kind of vacations I can get. The second staffer, whom I'll refer to as Jim, points out that it's in Borneo. Nicole and Jim are packing Oliver's briefcases. Oliver reminds them that it's an international law summit, and states that he's supposed to show his support for...he's not certain. He asks, "So I have that in my notes someplace?" He picks up a large wooden gavel and fools with it a bit. Nicole says yes. He mentions some amicus briefs that he needs; his staff tells him they're there. Nicole neutrally asks Oliver, "Would you like us to pack your big hammer?" Oliver: "Okay, you know what? Don't make fun of the big hammer. The big hammer happens to be a gavel given to my father's father by Justice Louis Brandeis. I need a Dictaphone™." I notice this is one of Sorkin's little idiosyncrasies: gifts/props esteemed heritages. There's the Paul Revere carving set, the cricket bat given to Lionel Tribby by Queen Elizabeth, this gavel...I'm sure there are others. You can discuss it in the forums. Just don't start a whole thread about it, hmm? ["BURN!" -- Wing Chun] Also, it seems to be important for the White House Counsel to have some sort of pounding instrument at hand. Anyway, Nicole says he has a Dictaphone™ on his desk. Oliver insists that it doesn't work; it's stuck on "record" and won't stop recording things: "So it's just what you want lying around the White House Counsel's office, because there's never been a problem with that before." Hee! Nicole puts hers in his bag and says they'll have his fixed. A phone rings in the background. He gets up and puts on his jacket, as she urges him to go home and get some sleep until his plane leaves. As he's almost out the door, another assistant says, "Excuse me, Mr. Babish? That was Mr. McGarry's office. He's on his way down with the President." Oliver stops, looks weary, and returns to his office. Nicole suggests that he fix his tie. It also seems to be obligatory that White House Counsel be prevented, by some sort of governmental crisis, from ever going on vacation.

Leo's in his office waiting for Jed, whom we can hear in the Oval Office saying, "I couldn't disagree more, Cal. As long as these people are funding their public school districts with property taxes, neither the value of the schools nor the value of their property is going to go up. It's a vicious circle. It's terrible and it has to be stopped." Leo puts on his jacket and walks toward the Oval Office as one member of Jed's audience asks, "So we're going to do something about it?" Jed: "I wouldn't go that far. Anything else?" Leo's entrance breaks up the meeting. Jed babbles a bit about the vicious circle going round and round, but Leo just says, "Let's go see him." Jed's less than enthused. "We really need to see him now?" Leo: "What better time?" Jed: "Well...later?" Leo's firm. As Jed walks and puts his jacket on with his trademark flip, he complains, "Five White House Counsels in two and a half years: Corcoran, Gates, Solomon, Tribby. Why can't I keep a head lawyer around here?" Note to nitpickers: the closed-captioning says "Cochran," not "Corcoran." Martin Sheen says something that sounds much more like "Corcoran," so I'm going with that, despite his tendency to pronounce things a little...differently, shall we say.

Jed and Leo start pedeconferencing their way to Oliver's office. Leo replies, "'Cause they all show up thinking they're going to be a counsellor to the President and you never let them in." Jed carps, "I don't like new people." Leo plays Exposition Fairy, replying, "Oliver Babish isn't a new person. You know each other, your kids know each other. You built hospitals together. He was Midwest Finance Chairman on the Campaign." Jed: "Never played chess, though, have we?" Leo admits that this is true. Jed: "See?" Leo accuses him of being scared of Babish. Jed replies, "Oh, like you're not." Leo claims he isn't: "Because we are both men of Chicago." I always thought Leo had a (lower middle-class, Irish) Bostonian background. ["Deborah's right." -- Wing Chun] Jed mildly asks, "What is it with people from Chicago, that they're so happy to have been born there? I meet so many people who can't wait to tell me they're from Chicago, and when I meet them, they're living anywhere but Chicago." Leo tells him he wouldn't understand. Jed complains that Babish looks down at him because he's not a lawyer. Actually, I think he looks down at you because he's Oliver Platt, and he's about six and a half feet tall. Jed continues explaining that he didn't go to law school, he went and got a PhD in Economics instead. Leo: "Your parents were very proud." Jed: "Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President, so I guess that decision didn't really pay off. Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize?" Leo thinks that Babish knows Jed has one. ["Seriously, if I had a Nobel Prize I would make it into a hat and wear it around. Fortunately, I don't think I'm in the running to get one." -- Wing Chun]

As they reach Babish's office, Jed complains a little more that the guy's been here three months and has a nicer office than Jed does. Leo says it's nicer than his own office, too. Jed cares a little less about that. Oliver comes out, greets Jed, and invites them in. Jed asks what the bags are for; Oliver explains that he was just heading out on vacation. So now it's not a "forced vacation," just a vacation. Although a law summit doesn't sound like any kind of vacation to me. Jed's all, "Oh dear, well, this can keep," but Leo prods him. Jed asks Oliver where he's going; he replies, "Sarawak." Jed: "Asia's best-kept secret." Oliver tries to get Jed to get to the point. Jed tries to downplay it, and Leo prods him again. Jed quietly tells Leo, over his shoulder, "I'm easing in." He says, "Well, Oliver, it really boils down to this: I'm going to tell you a story and then I need you to tell me whether or not I've engaged sixteen people in a massive criminal conspiracy to defraud the public in order to win a Presidential election." Oliver takes this in without much reaction; after a moment, he turns and looks at the always-recording Dictaphone on his desk, picks up the gavel, and calmly smashes the hell out of it. (And as set-up as that was, it was still funny.) Jed seems mildly taken aback. Oliver turns back to the President and says, "Okay." And we're into the credits, with another classic Sorkinesque opening in the can.

Josh is on the phone in his office, saying that he's on his way to a meeting, and that someone's going to call whomever he's talking to every half hour. Donna appears at the door, aghast at the news: "Mexico collapsed?" Josh is casual: "Yeah, can you believe it?" Donna: "Mexico collapsed over the weekend?" Josh says that it was actually just this morning. Donna wonders how a country collapses on a Monday morning. Josh explains, "By not slowly devaluing the peso the way I told them to." Well, actually it was the Treasury Secretary who said that, but Josh was in the room. Josh tells Donna how serious it is, citing several financial indicators of disaster. Donna asks Josh to put it in U.S. terms; he says it would be like a two-thousand-point drop in the Dow. Just then, Toby comes marching in, pissed about something. Waving a newspaper, he asks Josh, "You saw this?" Josh says he saw it two hours ago, and asks Toby where he's been. Toby hustles past Josh and Donna saying he just got there. Josh says they could be screwed on vouchers. Toby hollers, "We are screwed on vouchers!" Toby wants to know who did whatever it is he's upset about, and Josh tells him to talk to C.J. As he disappears, Toby threatens that "somebody's going to eat this quote!" Josh tells Donna he can't worry about Toby right now, and goes back to the immediate problem, which is that Mexico has thirty billion dollars of foreign loans due this week and they don't have thirty billion dollars. Donna asks what happens now, and Josh starts singing, "Oh, the Wells Fargo wagon is a-coming down the street..." as he enters the Roosevelt Room, which is full of people already. He greets them cheerfully, "Buenos dias, seores y seoras. Let's find some money."

C.J.'s doing a press briefing; she's being peppered with questions regarding the quotation that is upsetting Toby. Apparently a "senior White House official" claimed that the President might be willing to compromise on school vouchers, but C.J. insists to the reporters that the President hasn't turned around on the issue. She moves right along to pass on an announcement from the Coast Guard Marine Safety and Environmental Protection Division. Three hours earlier, a tanker carrying four million gallons of crude oil ran up on a shoal three miles south of Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. Those who have been paying attention all season will suspect this ship of being one of those in a deal Sam brokered when he was a corporate law drone. All the reporters start clamouring at once, but C.J. says she doesn't have much information. She tells them what she knows, which is that the hull is punctured, it's leaking oil, and has lost 200,000 gallons so far. We switch to Sam in his office, mostly ignoring C.J. on a monitor as he goes about his work. When she mentions that the ship belongs to Kensington oil, and that its name is Indio, suddenly she has Sam's full attention. He doesn't look happy. C.J. continues, explaining that containment booms have been deployed, as Sam calls out to Bonnie to ask what she knows about the oil tanker. She's just hearing about it now. As Ginger breezes through, Sam asks her what she knows; she says it hit Delaware. Sam says, "I'm amazed it found Delaware."

Back at the press conference, C.J. tells the reporters that there's a press conference scheduled for 2:00 that afternoon regarding the tanker, and that they hope to have a lot more information by then. The reporters want more, but C.J.'s done and exits the room, only to be confronted by Toby, who barks, "What the hell, C.J.?" She calmly says, "Anything good in the paper this morning?" Toby asks who the "senior White House official" is; honestly, if she knew, wouldn't she already have told him? Toby's a little irrational, and acting out; obviously, he's still reeling from the implications of what he recently learned from Jed. "You're telling me you can't control...a reporter can just pick up the phone and call anyone?" C.J. points out that they don't live in Tripoli. Toby rants that the Republican leaders, like Shallick and Ann Stark, think they can get the votes on a compromise measure, and that the only thing they were scared of was a veto. "They're going to build it now! They're going to do it! And our phones, all day long, are going to be ringing with Democrats who want us dead. Seth Gillette's going...let me tell you something! This time he's going to be right!" C.J. is still calm, although Toby's shouting. She says she'll talk to Leo and Josh, and the President, and get a clarification: "Beyond that, what do you want me to do?" Toby explodes, "I want you to find out who the 'senior White House official' was and put his ass in my office by the end of the day!" He takes off. ["Someone get Toby some Midol, stat. Lord, what a bitch." -- Wing Chun] Sam walks up, saying, "It wasn't me." C.J. says, "I imagine if it was anyone within the sound of Toby's voice they'd be looking for a trapdoor right now." Sam asks whether she can tell him anything about the tanker; C.J. says Carol's going to give him some notes. Sam asks if she knows whether it had anything to do with the navigation or steering. C.J. says it's being investigated, but she assumes, when a ship runs into the shore, it has something to do with the navigation or steering. As Sam leaves, she asks whether he knows who it was. He doesn't.

As the camera comes up over a small table in Oliver's office where a chess board is set up, he asks POTUS, "What can you tell me about this disease that I don't already know?" His manner is polite, subdued, and matter-of-fact. Jed suggests that Oliver should talk to a doctor; Oliver assures him that he'll be talking to quite a few of them. Oliver wonders whether it's possible for someone with relapsing remitting MS to experience an attack that would include temporary loss of brain function but exclude any physical symptoms. Put another way, could Jed be sitting in this room, having an attack, without Oliver's knowing it. Jed says, "I think what you're asking is, is it possible I could be sitting in the Situation Room, have an attack, and nobody knows it?" Oliver says that's what he's asking. Jed says, "Yes." He elaborates that there's no way for someone to know that his vision was getting blurry or his legs were getting numb. Oliver interrupts to make something absolutely clear to Jed: they do not enjoy attorney/client privilege. Jed turns to Leo and asks, "What's he talking about?" Leo indicates that Oliver is a government lawyer, so privilege doesn't exist. Oliver warns Jed to be very careful about what he says to him, because if subpoenaed, Oliver's not going to lie under oath. Jed says, "I don't want to be careful about what I say in this room." Oliver suggests that they end the meeting, and that Jed retain private counsel. Jed says, "I want you. I meant, I don't need to be careful." Oliver accepts this. He has more questions: "Have you ever been party to a lawsuit?" Jed starts to point out that he was governor of New Hampshire, with its obvious implications, but Oliver means any lawsuit in which Jed would have given a deposition. Jed sighs and thinks; a meter-reader slipped on some black ice in his driveway, and there was some nuisance suit involving his great-aunt's estate. He gave depositions in both cases. Jed doesn't get why Oliver is asking about these things. Oliver explains that, if he was asked about his health during a deposition and lied under oath, "that's the ball game. We're all going home." Leo says, "He never lied." Leo's loyalty is like the Rock of Gibraltar. Oliver wants to hear Jed say it. Jed looks Oliver straight in the eye and evenly says, "I never lied." Oliver asks again, "You never had to testify under oath about your health?" He didn't. Oliver seems satisfied. He starts enumerating the sixteen people who know, and I know all of us who have been debating this in the forums will be glad to hear the official count: "The First Lady and your kids, that's four; the six original doctors and radiologists, that's ten; your brother, that's eleven; Fitzwallace, the Vice-President and Leo, that's fourteen..." Leo adds that the anaesthesiologist at GW makes fifteen. Oliver wonders who #16 is. Leo says it's Toby, and that they told him this past Friday. Oliver wonders how Toby's taking it. Leo: "Not well." Oliver sighs. "I wouldn't think so." He says he has more questions, and asks POTUS whether he has time. Jed replies, "Well, the Mexican economy crashed, an oil tanker busted up about 120 miles from here, and thirteen percent of Americans are living in poverty, so yeah, I can hang out with you and answer insulting questions for a while." Oliver's unfazed: "Good."

After the commercials, we're in the Roosevelt Room where Josh is still trying to save the Mexican economy from itself. He instructs one staffer, whom I'll call Daryl, that once they have the document, the President will call him and ask him to fast-track it. "He wants you to take it straight to mark-up and vote." Daryl objects that his members are going to need at least a day to read it. Josh says he understands, but they don't have a day. Larry (I think; I've already forgotten which one's Larry and which one's Ed) says that the very story in the news cycle has to be that the U.S. is guaranteeing the loans. (The closed captioning confirms that it is indeed Larry.) Ed says that the Treasury Secretary has to make that announcement when the markets open on Tuesday morning. Through one of the French doors, Josh notices Toby wandering around, loudly berating people about the leak. Josh's attention having wandered, he snaps back to the meeting and tells them the same thing Larry just said about the story. Daryl points out that Larry and Ed just said that. The guy to Daryl tells Josh that they may not have anything until two or three in the morning. Josh says, "The President doesn't mind staying up late to sign his name." He doesn't? I would. ["Especially given that Margaret can apparently forge it." -- Wing Chun] Daryl says, "And you understand that no one here has said 'yes' yet?" Josh knows. Daryl asks if Josh minds if they use the room to talk. Josh: "Not at all. You mind talking fast?" Daryl says, "I do it for a living," as Josh leaves.

In the hall, Josh runs into C.J., who asks how it's going. Josh complains, "The number of people whose permission I need before I can do whatever the hell I want...let me tell you something, there's really a lot to be said for fascism." An interesting viewpoint for someone who's Jewish, I have to say. C.J. replies, "Funny you should mention that," and kinds of gestures in the direction of Toby's office. She says he wants her to find the leak. Josh says she should. C.J.: "No problem. Was it you?" Josh: "No." C.J.: "Okay, well then, now I'm stumped." She explains that when there's a leak, she does what she does, and finding the person is usually impossible under benign circumstances: "With Toby blasting around the halls, whoever it was has gone so far underground we can start our search in Beijing." Josh suggests asking Cashin. C.J. says Cashin won't roll over on a source. Josh replies, "Then you gotta get a swinging light bulb in there and just do it." C.J.: "Yeah, this from the guy who had four kinds of aneurysms when he had to interrogate the staff on drug use." Josh insists that was quite different. C.J.: "'Cause it was you?" Josh says no, it's because he was prying into people's personal lives, whereas this person compromised a policy initiative. C.J. thinks that's a fair point, and she's not saying it wasn't bad, but she's not going to find him. But they agree that she should spend the day looking anyway, because Toby's pissed. As they reach Josh's office, he pauses and advises her, "I've found that if you accept that as a good enough reason for doing something, life becomes easier." C.J. thanks him for the "fortune-cookie wisdom" as she walks away.

Josh turns to enter his office and is confronted by Donna, who's right inside the door. He's certainly a pretty jumpy sort. I can totally relate. Professor Frink has learned, through many instances of inadvertently scaring the crap out of me, to make a lot of noise when he's approaching me, starting from about one room away. Having someone scream unexpectedly thirty or forty times in the first few months you live together certainly is an effective retraining technique. He finds it vexing, but believe me, it's not something I can control. I don't think anyone really wants to be a jumpy person. Anyway, Josh complains that Donna just lurks there in the shadows, "like..." Donna: "Whatever." He asks what she's doing. She says she's doing stuff with paper. Evidently. He asks if she can do them later. Donna: "Why?" Josh: "So you're not doing them now?" Works for me. Actually, she has a couple of questions, if he doesn't mind. Josh is trying to make a phone call, and wonders if she could save her questions for later. She objects, "Well, later it might be a done deal, and before you send thirty billion dollars of my money to Mexico, I'd like to ask a few questions." Josh sighs, hangs up the phone with resignation, and sits down, saying, "Okay, it's going to be one of these now, right?" Donna: "Yeah." Josh: "You object to the bailout." She does. Josh continues, "Because in the world of Donatella* Moss, we should all love one another just as long as it doesn't cost you anything." (*Versace spelling.) Donna admits, "Well, yes, I suppose that's one small-minded way of putting it." Josh tells her to close the door as he picks up the phone again. She does. He looks up, sees her still there, and says, "Donna?" She looks at him for a second, and asks, "With me on the other side?" He says, "Thank you." She leaves.

Sam comes over to the Oval Office and asks Charlie if Jed's back yet. He's not. Sam asks Charlie if he's decided yet. Charlie says, "Theology 201: Intro to Biblical Literature." Sam: "Why?" Charlie: "So the President'll stop bugging me. And English 201: Texts and Context." Sam asks what happened to Molecular Biology. Charlie says it's closed out for the summer season. Sam asks how many AP credits Charlie has from high school; Charlie replies, "I have six in English, six in Math and Calculus, three in European History, and three in French." We don't have the same system involving AP credits here in Canada, but I gather this is impressive. Sam says, "You're telling me you've never been to college, and after taking two classes this summer, you're going to be, like, a junior?" Charlie replies, "With a pretty decent GPA." Sam, somewhat nervously: "Charlie, just how smart are you?" Charlie, honestly but with no arrogance at all: "I've got some game." Ginger appears to summon Sam to a meeting. He excuses himself.

Sam walks out into the hall where a woman in uniform is waiting, looking at a display case. Sam says, "Lieutenant," and shakes her hand. She says, "Mr. Seaborn." He then says, "Sam," and she says, "Emily." He tells her she looks exactly the way she sounds on the phone; she says he looks exactly the way he looks on the news. He thanks her for coming by, and says he's surprised to see her in a dress uniform on a day like she must be having today. She points out that they're required to wear their Class-A uniforms for any business on the Hill or in the White House. Sam apparently didn't know that. She asks, "You never noticed that every soldier, sailor, and Marine who's walked in here has been in a dress uniform?" Sam says quietly, "I'm less visually observant than others but I make up for it." Emily: "How?" Sam: "With cunning and guile." If you say so, Sam. They sit. He wants to know what happened with the ship. There was a steering problem, so the captain dropped anchor ten miles out to avoid colliding with other marine traffic, but the anchor broke. Sam is astonished to learn that anchors break. News flash: there is nothing manufactured by humans that can't break. I wave some smelling salts under Sam's nose to revive him. Emily goes on to ask him to guess how long it takes for a ship of the Indio's size, steaming at eighteen knots, to come to a complete stop. Sam guesses that it would be the length of a couple of football fields. Sam's not even in the ballpark, to mix metaphors. Emily informs him that it takes six miles, and there's no anchor that can stop that boat at eighteen knots. The Indio was out there drifting around, so they dispatched the Tallahassee to tow it in, but it was hit with twenty-five-foot seas, and the wind at forty knots. It returned to port with every intention of going back out, but the winds pushed the Indio into shore before that could happen. Sam asks, "How bad is this going to end up being?" Emily says it's very bad; and cites the many agencies that are involved. But she points out that there are only so many pairs of hands, and suggests that Sam trying getting oil out of water sometime. Sam thanks her for coming by. She offers to keep him posted during the day, and he wishes her luck.

Oliver asks whether Jed has life insurance. He doesn't. Oliver is surprised to hear that a man with a wife and three kids doesn't have life insurance. Jed says he has accidental-death insurance, as well as "considerable personal worth." He adds, "Were I to die, my family would not miss my government salary." Government workers everywhere mentally high-five Jed. Oliver asks about health insurance. Jed says he doesn't have any, explaining, "I'm the husband of a doctor, and as a Governor and President, the various governments I've led generously..." Oliver interrupts, cutting to the chase: "Have you ever signed any document for health insurance or life insurance, or any document which falls under the pains and penalty of perjury, in which you were asked about your health and you did not disclose that you have MS?" Jed says he hasn't. Someone knocks; Jim comes in with a message for Leo, which Leo reads and hands to Jed, saying he should probably make the call. Jed excuses himself. Leo asks Oliver what he thinks. Oliver pauses and says, "I am nowhere close to being able to answer that question." Time for commercials. And snacks. Must eat something. I don't know what it is about writing recaps that makes me hungry; it doesn't happen when I work on other writing. ["Maybe it's the commercials themselves. Are you suggestible to Harvey's commercials?" -- Wing Chun]

C.J. begins her investigation with Jamie Hotchkiss. He's pissed about the quotation too; he seems to be the head of the team that's been working on the school voucher policy initiative for nine months. He complains that you can't get leverage "with a rubber crowbar," and that their opponents are going to jump on this. C.J. proceeds to ask him whether he's spoken to Terry Cashin of The Baltimore Sun in the past four days. He's quite offended that she's asking him whether he's the leak, and reminds her that he's been working on the policy for nine months. She tells him he's been doing a very good job of it, too. He makes it very clear that he's not the leak, that he doesn't know who is, and that, if he did, he wouldn't tell her. That pretty much ends their meeting. I'm a little unclear: if the President hasn't actually reversed his position, how is this a leak? Isn't it more of an unfounded rumour, or even an outright lie? And if he truly has reversed his position, what's the point of its being secret? Whatever. C.J. sits down and calls Carol in, asking how many more interviews she has. Carol chirps, "Eleven hundred and thirty-eight." C.J. looks weary and claims, "Okay, after five of them, I'm just going to confess." Carol asks if she's ready for the one; C.J. says, "Sure."

Josh wanders through Donna's cubicle asking, "They're not done yet?" Donna: "In the Roosevelt Room? No." She gets up and follows him, saying he has a phone message. He asks who it's from; she replies, "Frank Kelly." Josh doesn't know who that is. Donna explains, "He's a textiles worker in South Carolina making twelve dollars and seventeen cents an hour with no health insurance. His two kids go to public school. The school's fine, but they've had to cut Art and Music for budget reasons, and Frank's ten-year-old is just nuts about the trumpet, so the mom does telemarketing at night after the kids have gone to bed to pay for lessons and rent an instrument. Not that art and music are important, or that any of us had any fun or met friends doing it. Frank obeys the law and pays his bills. He also pays his taxes, and he called to thank you for sending his money to Mexico." Josh: "Does he want me to call back?" Donna responds with an irritated, "Josh!" Josh suggests that she call him back: "Remind him that the Mexican consumers who buy his textiles can't afford to buy them anymore. Frank will be laid off, which is no problem. There are plenty of jobs out there for a forty-eight-year-old textiles worker just as long as he's trained in high-tech computers and/or medical research." Hey, she never said he was forty-eight. But you already know she made the whole thing up, right? She objects that the thirty billion is never going to make it into the pockets of Mexican consumers. Josh claims that it does, eventually. He also points out that it's not a gift, it's a loan. "We did the same thing six years ago and the loan was paid back, ahead of schedule." Donna mentions that they did the same thing four years before that, and five years before that. Josh acknowledges this. Donna cites AA's definition of insanity, which is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." She adds, "I'm not cheap, nor am I xenophobic; I just think it's time for some tough love." Josh leans forward and says quietly, "Well, not right here in front of everybody, Donna, but if you want to run home and get your equipment." She manages to restrain a flirtatious response by saying with mock firmness, "Go away from me." I really think she needs to put in for a transfer so she can get involved with him without all the icky power crap that's overlaid on the boss-secretary thing. As she returns to her desk, Josh advises, "The telemarketing was a nice detail, but you should have said, 'scrubbed floors.'" Donna thought that would be too much. Josh agrees, "Yeah, probably," and returns to his office.

Down in the bowels of the building, Ainsley's working in her office, playing with her pendant, and listening to music. Her office gets more and more homey all the time; she's probably got half the furnishings she owns in there now. Sam knocks and enters, noticing that she's done some decorating. Sam remarks, "A woman's touch." Without looking at him, she replies, "It was a guy named Kirk." Sam says, "Hang on, I know this piece of music, I love it." She agrees that it's great. He says there's a reason he likes it. Ainsley responds, "Well, it's beautiful." Sam thinks there's another reason. She suggests, "It's called 'Air on a G String' Could that be...?" Sam seems relieved and says that it is, and thanks her. I don't know what it is about the innuendo that's written for these two, but it always seems to bug me, more so than that written for Donna and Josh. C.J. and Toby have the best innuendo going. Ainsley and Sam need to take a page out of Toby and C.J.'s book. Anyway, she asks what he needs, and he replies, "A lawyer." She tells him he came to the wrong place. He's serious. She finally looks up at him and asks if he's in trouble. Sam sits down, saying, "No, I'm not. I just want to ask you some questions." She turns off the music. He mentions that she's been covering the Attorneys General for Maryland and Delaware on the oil spill. She has, indeed. She states that they're holding a joint press conference that afternoon to announce that they're seeking damages. Sam wonders how much. She breezily replies, "Who can say at this point, but if I had to guess I'd say in the area of a hundred million for cleanup costs, probably another three or four hundred million punitive. I know how you feel about these things. Trust me, Kensington's going to pay it through the nose." Sam replies, "No, they're not." Ainsley thinks he's wrong. Sam says, "Somebody's going to pay. It's not going to be them." Ainsley asks, "You think their liability shield is that strong?" Sam does: "I bought the Indio for them when I was at Gage Whitney." Ainsley seems suitably impressed: "Wow. Talk about your chickens coming home to roost." Sam wants to be deposed for the plaintiffs. Ainsley wants to know why. Sam explains that he was very proud of himself for making such a great deal, and that it put him in the position to get a partnership, and that it didn't bother him that the boat was cheap for a reason. But at the last minute, he had a change of heart, and told them that the boat wasn't good enough and tried to persuade them to buy another, better boat. (Ship, Sam. It's a ship.) Ainsley orders Sam, "Stop talking right now!" Sam keeps rambling, "Eleven million extra dollars! They laughed me out of the room." Ainsley repeats, "Stop talking or I'm walking out." He does. She continues, "You know better. Neither you nor your clients abdicated attorney/client privilege when you left Gage. If you gave that deposition, you'd be disbarred. And even if you were willing to be disbarred, there's no judge in the country who'd allow privileged testimony." Sam argues, "Ainsley, unless a company like this is forced to fork over so much money that they don't want to go on living, unless they're compelled to pay five hundred million dollars, there's no incentive for them to pay the extra eleven million to make the boat safer." Ainsley: "Yes." Sam says, "All right. It was just an idea." He gets up to leave. Ainsley offers, "Hey, you never know. With the liability shield...maybe you're not as good as you think." Sam says simply, with a shrug, "Yeah, I am."

Over at the Oval Office, Mrs. Landingham is surprised to see that Charlie is still filling out college forms. He says he'll be doing it for quite some time: "It's basically going to be my major." Mrs. Landingham wonders what Charlie does plan to major in. He doesn't know. She asks if he's going to join the Glee Club. They still have those? The idea of a Glee Club was something that always cracked me up when I looked at my parents' yearbooks. Charlie doesn't think he'll have much time for being gleeful, taking two classes in the evenings (and working twenty hours a day for POTUS, I might add). Mrs. Landingham suggests fencing. Just then, Margaret wanders in and asks, "You're taking fencing?" Charlie says he's not. Mrs. Landingham adds that he's not taking Glee Club either. Margaret opines that "Fencing's good, because you learn the philosophy of self-defence." Charlie replies, "Well, I usually don't get a lot of people pulling an pe on me in my neighbourhood, and my philosophy of self-defence has a lot to do with running as fast as I possibly can." He adds, "These forms are really out of control, you know that? Six forms for financial aid, three forms for housing, and I'm not using their housing, a form for roommate preference, and I'm not using their housing, emergency contacts, general activity information, transfer of credits, and a fourteen-page form..." He stops and stares at the last form, reading intently. Both Margaret and Mrs. Landingham wonder what's going on. He doesn't take his eyes off the page as he says, "Hang on, please." He keeps reading and tells Margaret that he needs to speak to Leo. She says he's in a meeting with Oliver Babish. Charlie knows, but insists he needs to speak to him right now: "Tell him it's an old friend from home." Mrs. Landingham looks up; she knows that Charlie wouldn't use the super-duper secret code talk over a trivial matter. Margaret asks whether he's sure. He is. She takes off.

Oliver and Leo are still waiting for Jed to return. Oliver remarks, "He's acting a little pissy, wouldn't you say?" Leo replies, "You're a little pissy too, there, my friend." Oliver says, "Yeah, well, I'm pissed." Oliver wonders if Leo wasn't pissed when he found out. Leo admits he was: "But then I remembered..." Oliver: "What?" Leo: "That I'm a drunk, and he didn't give a damn." Oliver asks, "You guys going to go public?" Leo doesn't know. He wonders what Oliver thinks. Oliver says that it's up to the policy advisors. Leo states, "Well, I think you're about to be one of them." Oliver says he doesn't know whether he's staying yet. Leo says that he is. Oliver: "Why?" Leo: "Because I'm running this show, and I picked you. I didn't bring you here for amicus briefs." Leo asks whether in the two and a half hours they've been sitting there, Oliver's discovered one thing that POTUS has done wrong. Oliver hasn't, so Leo wonders what his problem is. Oliver says that's just it: "Are you out of your mind? He did everything right. He did everything you do if your intent is to perpetrate a fraud!" Someone knocks; Oliver tells them, irritation, to come in. Jim pops in with Margaret's message. Leo tells Oliver he'll be right back.

Charlie waits to Margaret's desk with a grave expression on his face. When Leo arrives, he wordlessly follows him into his office. Leo asks, "What is it?" Charlie doesn't look at him and doesn't say anything. Leo assures him, "Charlie, you can talk to me. What is it?" Charlie still doesn't say anything. Leo's getting a little more impatient, and finally Charlie begins, without looking directly at Leo, "When Zoey and Ellie went to college...when they went to college they would have had to fill out a health form." Leo still doesn't get it. Charlie continues, "On the form they ask for a number of things, including a complete family medical history." Now Leo gets it: "God..." Charlie finally glances at Leo. "Charlie...how did you know he was sick? How did you know that the President was sick?" Charlie doesn't explain, and says instead, "Leo, if you're under eighteen when you start as a freshman...if you're under eighteen you need a parent's signature." Leo looks pretty pale. He says, "Okay...okay..." Charlie starts to apologize, but Leo assures him that he absolutely did the right thing. He says, "Okay...okay...go back to work." Charlie leaves. Leo calls Margaret in and tells her he needs to see all of Zoey Bartlet's admissions paperwork for Georgetown. Margaret doesn't think they'll release that to them. ["Speaking as a registrar's daughter, that's damn right." -- Wing Chun] He instructs her to call Pat Carr, the family lawyer: "And you tell him I want it." Margaret asks whether she may tell him why, and Leo tells her just to get it right now. Margaret's such a nosybody. More commercials.

Now C.J. is questioning Donna about the leak. She's trying to ascertain whether Josh might have spoken to her about the meeting in the Roosevelt Room. Donna's not sure. C.J. says that someone could have overheard them talking. Donna says she'll try to remember, adding, "There's so much to remember," and sighing heavily. C.J. asks whether she's okay. Donna says she'll be fine. C.J. gently asks whether Donna talked to anybody about it. Donna looks down and says nothing. Finally she says, "I can't lie like this anymore." C.J. leans forward, asking, "Are you saying it was you?" Donna starts babbling a confession, saying she called Terry Cashin, and that it doesn't stop there -- that she's a madwoman, and it doesn't stop at the leak. Well, I'll grant her that. C.J. wonders what she's talking about; Donna says she should call the authorities, and send them to her parents' house in Madison. C.J., incredulously: "Why?" Donna: "They'll find the Lindbergh baby in the basement." C.J. slaps the desk in frustration, saying, "All right." Donna adds, "Also some Post-it Notes™ reminding me where I put Jimmy Hoffa." C.J. orders her to get out. As Donna gets up, she makes some buggy eyes and says, "I framed Roger Rabbit." C.J. keeps ordering her out. At the door, Donna says, "I'm going to the place, you want a salad?" C.J.: "Thanks." She bellows for Carol.

Josh runs into Donna, asking, "Did you confess?" Donna says, "She didn't let me get to Whittaker Chambers and the secret pumpkin." Josh says she got a phone call while she was in there. Donna: "From who?" Josh: "Europe in 1939." Donna: "Yeah?" Josh: "Yeah, I jotted it down. Apparently they're at war, but we've taken a firm stand as an isolationist nation and refuse to get involved. Our resources are our own and their problems are on the other side of the world. Though, they do have problems: sounds to me from what they said on the phone that France, Austria, and England are getting absolutely pounded by the Germans, and with no end in sight, they say that by 1941 they're going to desperately need our help if they have any chance of survival. But I think they're just being hysterical: this son of a Customs agent with the Charlie Chaplin moustache ain't going anywhere, but there's no telling that to Franklin Roosevelt, who's trying to convince his country they need to get involved. That's why he came up with this." He hands her a book. She asks skeptically, "An eighth-grade Social Studies textbook?" He tells her to turn to the page he flagged. She does, and says, "The Lend Lease Act." Josh says, "Yeah. Simply put, a loan of arms to Russia and Britain, with the understanding that they'd pay us back when the war was over. And he said this, he said, 'If your neighbour's house is on fire, you don't haggle over the price of your garden hose.' Frank Kelly in South Carolina wouldn't. There are too many things in the world we can't do. Mexico's on fire. Why help them? Because we can." Donna asks, "Did they agree to the money?" Josh says yeah. Donna closes the book with a bit of a slam, hands it to Josh, and smiles, saying, "Okay." I'm sure Mexico will be thrilled that Donna's cleared their thirty billion. Josh smiles back at her. One of you, please, put in for a transfer. I've never been very 'shippy about these two, although they have good chemistry, but I'm getting less 'shippy by the minute, here.

Another staffer -- whose name, I believe, is Zach -- is sitting in C.J.'s hot seat. He's telling her that she shouldn't feel bad about her inquisition (although he doesn't use the word "inquisition"). She complains that everybody hates her. He says they'll get over it, and that she's just doing her job. He adds that this is really important. C.J. points out that he's the first one who's understood that. Zach asks, "You mind if I give you a suggestion that may make this go faster?" C.J.'s all ears. Zach: "If you dunk the suspect in a deep well of water, and they drown, it means they're not a witch." C.J.'s had it. She gets up and storms out, saying, "All right, that's it!" As she leaves, Zach spreads his arms and says, all Salem-yokel-circa-1692-like, "I saw Lizzie Proctor speaking with the devil!" C.J. calls out, as she hustles away, "Shut up!"

Sam's in Toby's office, citing chapter and verse on the environmental havoc the tanker spill is wreaking. Toby's not really paying attention, which quickly becomes clear to Sam. Just then, C.J. shows up and asks if he would mind if she spoke with Toby. Sam leaves. C.J. comes in and closes the door. She says, "It's me, okay? I am Spartacus." Toby says, "Look..." C.J. interrupts, "It was a leak. Leaks happen. They've happened since the beginning of time. In this White House, in every White House. There's no malicious intent. Things get out. It's a company town. Everybody talks to everybody, and junior staffers try to impress reporters by showing they're in the know. There is no group of people this large in the world that can keep a secret. I find it comforting. It's how I know for sure the government isn't covering up aliens in New Mexico! Toby, I've issued a blanket email to eleven hundred staffers about the incident, I've asked the President to let me make a clarification for tomorrow morning, I've seen to it it'll be on page one. We're not going to lose an inch of ground in the negotiation." Toby listens wearily, and agrees, "No, we're not." C.J. repeats, "No, we're not. And you knew that since this morning." He admits this. She wants to know what this is all about, then. Toby says, "This is small potatoes. I want to know, when the big potatoes come, are we up for it?" C.J. asks, "'Big potatoes'? Toby, we ran for election. We lived through Leo and booze, Sam and prostitutes, India and Pakistan, Colombia and a failed rescue mission...are there bigger potatoes someplace?" And don't forget that little attempt on your lives in Rosslyn. There's one really big potato to look out for, C.J. (Or maybe that should be "potatoe." Nah. Quayle, thank God, is nowhere near this White House.) Toby unconvincingly says "no". C.J. sharply says, "Toby?" She pauses. "Why are you lying to me?" He says he's not, but he's a terrible liar. He fidgets a bit, and thanks her for investigating today. She can see she won't get anywhere, so she leaves in a tiny bit of a huff.

Charlie's sitting on the bench on the patio outside the Oval Office. He stands as Jed approaches. Jed says, "Sit down, don't be scared." Jed begins, "My youngest daughter's got a big mouth." Charlie waits a moment before saying, "No, she doesn't, sir. She wanted me to be on the lookout for certain physical signs so I could tell the First Lady." Jed sighs. He says, "We won't discuss this any more for the time being. It'll be public soon enough. And the more conversations you have with me, the more lawyers you're going to have to talk to, and they bill in an hour what you take home in a week, so I won't discuss it except to say this: you're going to be subpoenaed. I'm confident in your loyalty to me. I'm confident in your love for me. If you lie to protect me, if you lie just once, if you lie just a little, if you lie 'cause you can't stand what's happening to me and the people making it happen, if you ever, ever, lie...you're finished with me, you understand?" Charlie says, "Yes, sir." Jed: "Say you understand." Charlie, "I understand, sir." Why do I have the feeling that there weren't a lot of discussions like this during the Nixon administration? Or hell, any administration that's ever occupied the White House, for that matter? Jed tells him to go back to work. As Jed walks away, Charlie asks, "Is there anything you need?" Jed says, "I need you to go to law school, and graduate as soon as humanly possible." Charlie says, "Yes, sir." Wow. Dul Hill is so good in this episode, and scenes between him and Martin Sheen always seem to be particularly effective. I always seem to get very choked up over their relationship.

Jed enters the Oval Office, where Oliver's waiting for him. Jed announces, "Well, I've got good news for you, Oliver. Turns out I didn't do everything right after all." He tells Oliver about Zoey's college application, and how she left off the MS. Oliver says, "And you signed it?" Jed says, "I'd give anything if I had. It was Lady Macbeth." Oliver takes this in. Jed says, "There's a bad moon rising, Oliver. We both know it. They're going to take me out for a walk. This isn't what you signed up for. Leo begged you to take this job. This isn't what you signed up for. If you leave, I'd appreciate it if you did it now, so it doesn't look like my lawyer bailed on me when the rain starts. No one's going to hold it against you." Oliver says, "Well, I appreciate that, Mr. President. If I stay, will you do exactly what I tell you to do?" Jed replies, "I guess it depends." Oliver says, "I'm afraid it can't depend, sir." Jed paces around a bit and thinks. He asks, "What would my first step be?" Oliver says, "First, tell your staff. Then, decide how to make a public announcement. Then order the Attorney General to appoint a Special Prosecutor. Not just any Special Prosecutor -- the most blood-spitting, Bartlet-hating Republican in the bar. He's going to have an unlimited budget and a staff like an army." We can start hazarding guesses about the casting of this role. ["Charlton Heston." -- Wing Chun] Oliver continues, "The new slogan around here is going to be 'Bring it on.'" Wing and I can totally get behind that. ["Awesome! Oh wow!" -- Wing Chun] "He's going to have access to every piece of paper you ever touched. If you invoke executive privilege one time, I'm gone. An assistant D.A. in Ducksworth wants to take your deposition, you're on the plane. A freshman Congressman wants your testimony, you'll sit in his kitchen. They want to drag you to The Hague, and charge you with war crimes, what do we say?" Jed, who's been listening to all this as patiently as he can, says, after a brief pause, "Bring it on." But, you know, he just says it quietly; he's not all macho about it. Oliver tells POTUS he'll be in his office for a while if Jed needs him. Oliver leaves, and Jed stands with his back to the camera, facing his desk, hands in his pockets.