In This White House

Previously on The West Wing, The Prez learned everyone's names. Okay, that was a cute montage.

At a TV studio, Sam steps out of makeup to talk with Ted "Mr. Scream" McGinley. Mr. Scream says, "It won't be Wengland," and he "couldn't get Stackhouse." Sam, excited as a kid on Christmas morning, demands, "Who'd you get?" Mr. Scream answers, "A woman named Ainsley Hayes." He hits "woman" with a little extra emphasis, and I don't know for sure if that means he's a condescending pig, but it seems implied. Neither Sam nor Mr. Scream has heard of her before; apparently the producer recruited her for the show. Sam starts to say, "Tell me she's not one of those --" Mr. Scream confirms that she is, indeed: "She's got blonde hair, long legs, and she's a Republican, so --" Sam decides that it's his turn to interrupt: "She's in show business. A young, blonde, leggy Republican. I thought it turned out they didn't know anything?" "They don't," Mr. Scream agrees, and the game of conversational Ping-Pong comes to an end. Sam is approached by someone else, and Mr. Scream heads for the set. Ainsley is already seated behind the big desk of Capital Beat. Sounds like a game show. On VH1. Mr. Scream claims that he's actually named Mark Gottfried as he introduces himself to Ainsley. He confirms that this is Ainsley's first time on television, and offers some advice: "Don't try to do too much. Don't try to know more than you do. My show's not the place for you to become a star." He mentions that Sam's been on the show several dozen times and usually "wipes the floor" with his opponent. Not done intimidating her yet, Mr. Scream adds, "I'll take some punches for you if it gets out of hand," and says that if she sticks to the talking points she'll do fine. Sam finally arrives, shakes hands with Ainsley, takes his seat opposite her, and the room darkens as the show begins.

We see the show's opening on a monitor, which features the disembodied heads of the host, correspondents, and guests floating by amusingly. Throughout alternate-universe Washington, policy wonks make a game out of throwing little wadded-up balls of paper at their TV screens, trying to hit the heads as they waft across the screen. Mr. Scream explains that week, the House will vote on the Prez's education bill, and he asks Sam, "Why is this bill better than its Republican counterpart that [sic] the President vetoed last year?" Sam says it provides money for textbooks, and tosses off the kind of random statistic that people tend to use on these types of shows: "Forty percent of teachers in Kirkwood, Oregon, report not having sufficient textbooks for their students." He then asserts that the Republican bill did not include funding for new textbooks. Ainsley is busily taking notes as Mr. Scream asks her if this is true. She says it isn't. Trying to get a little more in the way of a rebuttal, Mr. Scream asks her if Sam's lying. Ainsley says that lying is a strong word. Mr. Scream starts to try again, and Ainsley finally puts down her pen and declares, "Yes, he's lying." She then begins a long spiel, which Sam tries unsuccessfully to interrupt. "The bill contained plenty of money for new textbooks. Also computer literacy, school safety, physical plants." Physical plants? She continues, "The difference is that we wanted to give the money directly to communities and let them decide how best to spend it, on the off chance that the needs of Lincoln High in Dayton are different from the needs of Crenshaw High in South Central LA." Mr. Scream turns to Sam and asks why the Prez vetoed the Republican bill. Before Sam can answer, Ainsley jumps in saying, "Because it guaranteed by law that 95% of the money went directly to the classroom and bypassed the pork barrel buffet, which is troubling for this President because he doesn't work for the students, and he doesn't work for the parents of the students. He works for the teacher's union." She says that the Republican bill would have paid for new textbooks, and that "textbooks are important, if for no other reason than they'd accurately place the town of Kirkwood in California and not Oregon." And on that note, they go to commercial. Ainsley nervously asks Mr. Scream, "I'm sorry, did I overreach?" Mr. Scream chuckles and rudely fails to answer her question, choosing instead to lean over Sam's shoulder to note, "This one might know something." Sam mutters to himself, "Please, oh, please, let them not be watching."

Josh hurries into Toby's office and calls, "Come quick! Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl!" He scampers away. Toby runs after him, pausing only to order, "Ginger, get the popcorn!" I giggle through the credits.

The title card says that it's Tuesday. C.J. tells the press that there'll be a photo op with the Prez and President Nimbala of the Republic of Equatorial Kuhndu. A reporter asks if the summit's goal is to get drug companies to lower their prices, or to get African countries to honor U.S. patents. C.J. says that the goal is to "get a step closer to solving twenty-six million African AIDS victims [sic]," and ends the briefing. As she heads down the hall, Toby suggests that C.J. "might have mentioned that the same drug that costs $10.80 in Norway, where nobody needs it, costs $90 in Burundi, where everybody needs it." I suspect it might be slightly more expensive to transport things to Burundi, but that's just a theory. C.J. says that the pharmaceutical company representatives are there out of good will, and that no one can tell them what to charge. Toby says, "It sounds to me like we intend to be soft on the drug companies." C.J. snaps, "I don't think anybody expects this White House to be anything but tough on American companies showing a profit." As she enters her office, Toby says, "Damn right." Sam pops up to ask where the 1992 World Copyright Conference was. Toby answers, "Geneva," and Sam turns to go. C.J. stops him by noting, "I've really gotta admire the way you came into work this morning, head held high." Sam replies, "And I appreciate your being the one person who has managed to abstain from heckling me." C.J. says that it's no problem, and adds, "There's a whole bunch of women out there. Why don't you ask them whether Geneva's in Switzerland or Oregon?" Okay, I have no problem with the staff teasing Sam, but why is even C.J. implying that Sam must be extra-dumb if a woman got the best of him? Sam challenges C.J. to a game of twenty questions: "Short answer, general knowledge test, right now!" Toby tells Sam to go to Toby's office. Sam adds, "I'll spot you two questions." Toby tells Sam to go to Toby's office. C.J. asks how much money they're betting on this contest. Toby again tells Sam to leave. Sam bows his head and tells C.J., "I'm going to his office." As he turns, C.J. makes chicken noises. Sam turns to Toby and notes, "She's making the chicken sound now." Toby tells Sam to go. Sam leaves.

Ken Olin's behind the camera again, but no matter what he does, I'm never going to forget that shot of the lighting fixtures. Sorry, Ken. Back to his theme, Toby mentions that a drug the U.S. sells for $4 a unit can be purchased on the black market in Pakistan for forty cents. As she grabs some papers and heads out, C.J. says, "That's not the only bargain in Pakistan, Toby. My girlfriends and I go for the spring fashions." Under his breath, Toby says, "It shows." C.J. turns to glare at Toby as he heads down a different corridor. A reporter pops out to talk to C.J., and she complains, "He just made a little dig about my clothes, and that's what's gonna be with me the rest of the day." The reporter, who looks like he's fresh out of high school, introduces himself as Bill Kelley from the Cleveland Courier. C.J. greets him, and you can see her thinking, "A reporter. Hm. Wasn't there another reporter around here I was vaguely involved with? He was annoying. I wonder what happened to him? Oh well, probably not important." With that, she dismisses the idea and listens to Bill. Bill asks if she's heard about Bonamo Energy selling drilling equipment to Iraq. C.J. says she's not telling him to drop the story, but she can't comment on it. Bill, who apparently wants C.J. to do his research for him, asks if such a sale would be a violation of sanctions. C.J. replies, "Grand jury investigations are secret, Bill. I can't tell you any more about it." Bill thanks her, C.J. walks on, and suddenly she stops and looks back down the hall with an expression of horror. "Danny!" she shouts. "His name was Danny! Oh my God, it wasn't a nightmare!" Okay, she doesn't say that. She just calls after Bill, who turns, and then says, "Nothing. Just...nothing."

The Prez is telling Leo that an African leader has suggested that AIDS isn't linked to HIV, it's linked to poverty. Leo says, "He was saying that prostitutes, migrant laborers, the ill educated, and victims of sexual abuse are more likely --" The Prez interrupts to say, "AIDS is caused by HIV. You just named a group of people that have a higher mortality rate across the board." Leo says that the Health Minister was clarifying earlier comments, and the Prez again notes that the Health Minister doesn't believe that HIV causes AIDS. Since at this point neither of them are sure what they're arguing about, the Prez changes the topic: "Did you see Sam get puréed last night on Capital Beat?" Leo smirks that he didn't see it, but he heard about it. The Prez says, "He got diced and sliced by a woman named Ainsley Hayes." Once again, "woman" is needlessly emphasized. This is really bugging me. The Prez says that he's read some of her columns, and says that they should hire her. Leo chuckles, "That'd be funny!" The Prez says he's serious. Leo asks, "You mean, as a joke on Sam?" The Prez says, "I mean we should hire her as a reality." Leo notes that Ainsley is a Republican. The Prez responds, "So are half the people in this country." "Well that half lost," Leo says. The Prez declares that "she's smart, she's not just carping. She feels a sense of something." A sense of something. Talk about credentials. Leo echoes my thoughts by asking, "Of what?" The Prez clarifies: "Of duty! Of civic duty." Heh, the President said, "duty." Leo asks the Prez how many of Ainsley's columns he read, and the Prez answers, "Three," but goes on to declare, "I can sense civic duty a mile away," as they troop into the mural room.

While the Prez and Nimbala strike a pose, with Nimbala's interpreter to one side, C.J. tells the press that they can ask a few questions during the photo op. A reporter (in the script I have no doubt that it says a woman reporter) asks if there's a "political upside" to the fact that Nimbala is there for the photo op, but the drug company representatives aren't. A political upside? To a photo op? Well, there're fewer people cluttering up the photographs. The Prez says he's "trying to shore up the sub-Saharan vote," showing that he, too, thinks it's a dumb question. Another reporter asks if the Prez will ask Congress to forgive the existing debts in Africa. The Prez says, "It's an international health crisis; there's nothing I'm not considering." A third reporter asks Nimbala what the best possible outcome of the conference would be. "A miracle," Nimbala answers. He continues, and his interpreter translates: "There are people who make miracles in the world. One of them lives right here in the U.S. He realized that vital elements could be harvested from the stalk of the wheat. In his hands, India, which at the time had been ravaged by drought and overpopulation -- in his hands, the wheat crop increased from 11 million tons to 60 million tons annually." The Prez, delighted to show off his trivia knowledge, adds, "His name is Norman Borlaug, by the way, and he won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1970." He restrains himself from adding, "And I knew that Kirkwood was in California, too!" As the press wanders out, the Prez tells Nimbala, "I think you're absolutely right about the kind of miracle we need. I think we're gonna make a lot of progress in the few days." Nimbala cuts to the chase: "I hope so, Mr. President. My country's dying."

As he heads back to the Oval Office, the Prez tells an undoubtedly fascinated Leo about dwarf wheat, which has a shorter stalk so that the weight of the grains don't pull it down. "Was it a hybrid?" Leo asks. The Prez hates not knowing answers, so he snaps, "What am I, Farmer Bob? It was wheat, and there was more than there used to be." He again insists that they should hire Ainsley. Leo says he won't, "'cause this is one of those things you're excited about after breakfast, that you forget you told me to do by lunch." The Prez disagrees, and says, "As hard as you might try, the Republican Party isn't going anywhere." Leo says, "They could all end up moving to Vancouver." He adds, "Being in power means everybody else can take a seat for four years." Charlie walks in and brings the Prez his coffee. The Prez tells Charlie that he wants to hire a conservative Republican, and asks, "Do you think I should do it?" Charlie looks at Leo for a moment and answers, "Absolutely, Mr. President. 'Cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion." Bwah ha ha! Leo points out, "Charlie just made a joke to you in the Oval Office. That's how bad an idea it is." He goes on to say that "it's not an uninteresting notion, let's just do it in a more high-profile place. Put a Republican in the cabinet." The Prez takes his glasses off and says, "We might do that, Leo. A hundred million Republicans; we might hire as many as two of them. But for now, hire this girl." Leo asks what he should hire her for, and the Prez suggests putting her in the White House Counsel's Office. , Leo asks, "What if she doesn't want to work here?" The Prez instructs Leo to appeal to her sense of duty. He adds, "Smooth it over with the staff. Really, I don't want to hear from them." Leo notes that Ainsley could do his job, and the Prez agrees. As Leo exits, the Prez addresses Charlie: "When they close the book on me and you, it will say that at this moment you were not there for me, and for that, obviously, there'll be some kind of punishment." Charlie smiles, "Well, you could sing Puccini for me again, Mr. President. We'll call it even." And the final score is Charlie 1, Bartlet 0.

I think it's safe to assume that when Aaron Sorkin's at home, he wears sports clothes and hangs out with close friends who frequently drop in uninvited to use his television. That certainly seems to be how all of his characters behave when they're not at work. So, Ainsley's at home, wearing a baseball-uniform shirt and fussing with her caller ID while her friends watch the highlights of Capital Beat on her VCR. Ainsley asks if they know how to "work" caller ID. Don't you just plug it in? Stock female friend tells her to figure it out, "because Bruce's friend is gonna call you." Well, all she really has to do is answer the phone when that happens; the caller ID isn't going to make a difference. Ainsley says that she doesn't need an agent. Her friend disagrees, "You're gonna be a star." Bruce (I'm assuming) adds, "You're gonna get a lot of work ripping these people to shreds, and lookin' good doing it." "That's an actual job now?" Ainsley wonders. Ainsley has apparently been living in a cave for the past twenty years. The phone rings. Ainsley looks at her instructions and says, "I push this button..." and does so. Did she find this thing in somebody's trash? You have to push a button to make it work every time? She looks at the display and reads, "202-456-1414." The woman asks if it's the agent, and Ainsley says sadly, "It's the White House." She knows this because the White House has the only number in the United States that doesn't start with a 555 prefix. During the commercials, feel free to call that number and say hi. It won't go in your FBI file. Not that you have one. I'm just kidding. Maybe.

It's Wednesday. Donna's headed down the hall in a little black dress that makes her look even more like an albino. She says, "Hey, Sam," as a greeting as she passes him. Sam stops and asks what she said. She repeats herself, and Sam says, "It sounded like you might have made a wisecrack about Oregon...California." I know this is a wacky comedy gag and all, but if she'd said more than two syllables it might have been a little more plausible. Anyway, Donna insists she did no such thing. C.J. sweeps by in her coat, and Sam asks if she's just getting to work, noting that she's later than usual. C.J. says, "I got lost." As they reach her office, Sam asks how C.J. could get lost. C.J. explains, "I didn't sleep much last night." Sam asks how much she slept, and she says that actually, she didn't sleep at all. Sam says, "I am, today, particularly excited about you being the spokesperson for the President." Before he can leave triumphantly, C.J. says she has a question. "I was talking, yesterday, to a reporter who's new in the room, and he asked me a question, and in my answer..." She leans back and looks worried. She tries again, saying, "Let me ask you something." Sam waits. C.J. stares at him. Sam finally says, "You know you haven't asked me anything yet, right?" C.J. says that she knows that, and tells him to forget it. Before Sam can press her on the issue, Leo appears and asks C.J. and Sam to come with him.

Leo leads them into the hall, saying, "I wanted to tell you this out where there were people so you wouldn't scream about it." Then he tells them that he's going to offer Ainsley a job. "Where?" Sam growls. "Here," Leo says, confirming their fears. C.J. asks if Leo is kidding. She asks three times, in fact, and each time Leo says that he isn't. C.J. bellows, "Well, what the hell makes you think I wouldn't scream where there are people?!" The underlings around them pause and stare. Leo quietly says, "I took a shot." In unison, C.J. and Sam shout, "Leo!" Leo gives up and leads them elsewhere.

Donna dutifully performs her job of asking questions so that Josh can explain things to the audience. He tells her that there are a lot of Africans with AIDS, and that American companies have patents on AIDS medications. But most Africans can't afford to buy the American drugs, so they buy generic versions on the black market, in violation of international treaties. Donna asks, "How prohibitively priced are the drugs?" Josh says they cost about $150 per week. Donna, who may have been in the same cave that Ainsley stayed in, claims that this isn't "totally off the charts." Okay, it isn't an unheard of price for medication, but surely she could see that $600 per month might cut into the finances a bit. Josh points out that "a police officer in Kenya makes $43 a month." Donna hands Josh a folder and tells him, "Do good in there." Thank goodness she said that, or Josh might start doing evil instead.

In the Roosevelt Room, the drug company spokesmen, Nimbala, and assorted hangers-on have gathered. One of the spokesmen is saying, "This isn't about profit --" when Nimbala interrupts, saying, "Sir..." The spokesman tries again, and Nimbala says, "Sir, you have interrupted me again." Guess we'll have to take his word for it. Through his interpreter, Nimbala asks why the same drug costs twice as much in the Republic of Equatorial Kuhndu as it does in Norway. When did Norway become the standard for price comparison? Just wondering. Spokesman #2 says that he doesn't think that's the issue, and Toby steps in to suggest, "Let's make it the issue." Spokesman #1 starts to argue, and Nimbala, again through his interpreter says, "I am the one who asked you the question. I'd appreciate it if you directed your answer to me." Whoa, the guy was responding to Toby! Nimbala's just looking to take offense. Spokesman #1 testily says that a different price is set for small pharmacies like the ones in Norway. He adds, "Retail mark-up, taxes, pharmacy discounts...these things vary widely." He leaves out transportation costs, which I still think is an obvious factor. Maybe I'm wrong, I dunno. Spokesman #2 points out, "Not to mention the fact that we don't even know if the drugs are getting to your citizens." Nimbala says that they're implying "corruption and incompetence" on his part. Spokesman #2 notes, "We do have reports of that, Mr. President." Nimbala says that their company makes a billion dollars annually selling Fluconazole. Spokesman #1 asks what his point is. Toby says, "I think President Nimbala's saying that there's more money in giving a white guy an erection than curing a black guy of AIDS." Fluconazole is used to treat fungal infections. Did this conversation just skip a track? No one mentioned Viagra, but Toby responded as if someone had. I'm so confused. Spokesman #1 says, "My company has given away over $120 million worth of free drugs a year." He mentions that one of those drugs is being used to cure eye infections in Kuhndu. Toby says, "They're not dying from eye infections, Alan." I'm so happy to learn that one of the spokesmen has a name. Alan says, "Well, they're not dying 'cause of me either, Toby. And I'd like not to be talked to this way." Toby says, "If it was twenty-six million Europeans dying, we'd have had a solution yesterday." He's not wrong. Josh finally speaks up and asks, "How much would it cost for you to provide free drugs to the Sahelise Republic, Kenya, and the Republic of Equatorial Kuhndu?" Alan says he doesn't know. Josh helps with the math: "We're talking about 130,000 patients, 200 milligram pills, three times a day every day. What's the X-factor?" Alan replies, "We don't know how long they'll live." Toby suggests that it's time for a break as we fade out.

And suddenly, it's Thursday. Margaret enters Leo's office and says that "she's here." She asks if Leo wants her to stay, "in case something should happen." Leo asks, "What would that be, exactly?" Margaret says she'll bring the visitor in. Ainsley steps inside, and Leo closes the door while asking if anyone offered her coffee. In nervous staccato, Ainsley says that Margaret offered her coffee or a soft drink, and adds, "She was also kind enough to ask for my coat. She seems to be a very good secretary." Leo says, "She'll be happy to hear that, she's standing right outside the door." He slams his fist against the door, Margaret yelps, and Leo goes to his desk. Snerk. Leo compliments Ainsley on her destruction of Sam. Ainsley chatters, "I've been thinking about that ever since your office called me on Tuesday, and I have something to say on my own behalf, if you'll permit me a moment to say it, and I understand if you won't, but I would really appreciate it if you did." Can one sentence technically be considered a monologue? Leo says he didn't follow that, but yes, she should go ahead. I'll spare you the transcript, because these recaps run long enough as is, but Ainsley complains that it's wrong and inappropriate for the White House Chief of Staff to reprimand someone for voicing opposition. Leo says that isn't why she was summoned. Ainsley asks, "Well, then, if you'll permit me, why was I summoned?" Leo says that she has an "interesting conversational style." I'll assume that Leo's dictionary defines "interesting" to mean "highly affected and more irritating than the sound of a dentist's drill dragged across a chalkboard." Ainsley claims that it's a nervous condition. Leo says he used to have a nervous condition, and Ainsley asks, "How did yours manifest itself?" Leo deadpans, "I drank a lot of scotch." Ainsley says that she gets sick when she drinks too much. Leo responds, "I get drunk when I drink too much." Ainsley again asks why she was summoned, and Leo tells her that he wants to offer her a job. But it's too late, she's off again, chattering like a squirrel on amphetamines: "I do not think that it is fair that I be expected to play the role of the mouse to the White House's cat in the game of, well, you know the game." She goes on that way for a while until she finally realizes what Leo said, and this isn't a gag that's been done eight million times on television, is it? No, it isn't; it's been done nine million times. Right, so she asks if Leo just offered her a job. Leo says that she would be Associate White House Counsel. "You'd report to the Deputy White House Counsel, who reports to the White House Counsel, who reports to me." Ainsley is still stunned: "A job in this White House?" Leo asks if she'd like a glass of scotch. Ainsley says, "Yes, please." Which is probably the shortest sentence she has ever uttered in her life.

Sam notices that C.J. is lying on the sofa in her office with a face cloth draped over her eyes. It looks like the cloth is completely dry, so I have to wonder why she's doing that. A wet cloth can be soothing for a headache. A dry one is just going to block the light. And not as well as a wet one. Plus, if she wanted it to be dark, maybe she should turn off the lamp that's right over her head. Right, it's not wet because that would mess up her makeup. I'm just saying. Anyway, Sam steps in and suggests, "See a sleep doctor. Take a pill. Do something." C.J. says she rode the lifecycle for an hour and a half that morning, noting, "If it was a real cycle, I'd be in Belgium by now." Sam sits down and asks what it was that C.J. wanted to ask him before. C.J. says, "If I talked to you about it, you could be subpoenaed." Sam tells her not to worry about that, and C.J. finally sits up and insists, "I do worry about it!" She assures him that there's no problem, and asks what she can say about the conference. Sam tells her, "The sessions are productive. Progress is being made. These kinds of things take time. All the parties are optimistic." C.J. asks if any of the parties are optimistic. "No," Sam admits. Carol calls C.J. for the press briefing. After C.J. leaves, Sam looks up and asks Carol, "Did you say something to me?" Carol says she didn't. See, Sam's still defensive about the show. It kills me to have to say this about The West Wing, but I must: we get it.

Leo is drumming his fingers on his desk and looking around his office for something heavy he could use to club Ainsley over the head and get her to stop talking. Ainsley is explaining that her entire family tree is made up entirely of Republicans, and that she herself was a Young Republican. Leo heavily says, "Even if you hadn't already told me all of this, you know, many, many times, I would know it anyway, 'cause I have this FBI file." Poor, poor Leo. Naturally, this just gives Ainsley a new subject to latch on to, since she's surprised to hear that she has an FBI file. She finally declares, "I loathe almost everything you believe in." She stands up, and Leo asks where she's going. She explains that she's just standing up, "which is how one speaks in opposition in a civilized world." Leo says, "Well, you go, girl," which is funny, yet weird. Headed for her grand finale, Ainsley says, "I find this administration [to be] smug and patronizing, and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are, and with [sic] colder hearts." When Leo disagrees, Ainsley asks, "How many people on your staff assumed that I was ambitious, mean, and stupid?" She's clearly an egomaniac, at least, if she thinks Leo would know or care what each member of the staff thinks of her. Also, is being called "ambitious" really insulting? Anyway, Leo says that no one on the staff thinks of her that way. He pauses, and adds, "C.J. Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don't do that, do you?" Ainsley says that she doesn't, and that she doesn't actually have any pets, and that comes dangerously close to setting her off on another stream of consciousness, but she pulls herself out at the last moment. Leo asks if she wants to work in the White House. "Oh, only since I was two," she says, and then asks, "It has to be this White House?" Leo explains, "The President likes smart people who disagree with him. He wants to hear from you. The President's asking you to serve, and everything else is crap." He tells her to think about it and come back at 6:00 the day and give him her decision. As he shows her out, he discovers that Margaret is still lurking by the door. Margaret, if you're gonna eavesdrop, at least have the sense to leave when the conversation is clearly drawing to a close.