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The show starts as C.J. tells the press corps, "There will be fifteen PEN recipients; the President will sign the bill with fifteen pens." Ace reporter Fishboy asks, "'Josiah Bartlet' has thirteen letters in it; how's the President going to use fifteen pens?" I just want to know how he's going to sign anything if he's switching pens for every letter. Sounds more like printing to me. C.J. makes fun of Fishboy, who claims, "My readers expect a little bit more." Which is why they subscribe to your competitors' paper, dude. C.J. looks through her notes and is eventually able to report that the Prez will use the extra pens to dot the "I" and cross the "T"s. Then she calls him "Freakboy," which is pretty close to "Fishboy." Moving on, C.J. announces that the parents of Lowell Lydell, who was killed by gay-bashers, will be present to watch the Prez sign his new Hate Crimes bill. Mandy steps up to the window to watch this part more closely. A reporter asks if the Lydells are still expected to attend, since "there's a rumor that the Lydells aren't big supporters of the President." C.J. says she's heard the same rumor, and it's ridiculous because "the President is signing Hate Crimes legislation. Jonathan and Jennifer Lydell's son was killed for being gay." Other reporters chime in to say they've heard the rumor too. So? That's kind of why they're called rumors; lots of people hear them.
After the press conference, Mandy goes to harass C.J. "I wish you hadn't done that," Mandy says. When C.J. asks what she's talking about, Mandy clarifies, "Guaranteed the Lydells." C.J. snaps, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that you all intentionally kept me ignorant of new developments so that I could mislead the press more effectively. Do you mean I should be completely honest with the press? Maybe I'll start by telling them that the only difference between the White House staff and a pack of baboons is that the baboons have better wardrobes!" No, she doesn't say that, but I bet she thought it. Instead, C.J. asks if the Lydells are coming, and Mandy says, "They are coming, I'm just not sure we're going to want them there." Mandy explains that she flew to St. Paul to visit the Lydells and that the mother is fine, but that the father "doesn't say much." C.J. snaps, "Their son was just murdered, Mandy. Did you want him to wear a campaign button?" Mandy answers, "I do at the bill signing." C.J. asks, "Are you listening to yourself?" If she did, she'd probably realize how annoying she is. Mandy says that the Lydells will be arriving in the morning, and that C.J. should meet with them. C.J. asks if she's supposed to audition the Lydells. Mandy answers, "Yes. And I'd also like you to cut me some slack." Since C.J. has her back to the camera, we can't see her roll her eyes.
C.J. enters her office just as Josh comes down the hall to announce, "We've got a bit of a sticky wicket." I can see that Lord Marbury's been influencing him. C.J. begs, "Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight." Josh says she needs to read a report. "I'm a woman in her prime, Josh; I'm a prime woman," C.J. declares. And she is. Josh agrees, but insists that she has to read something anyway. He explains, "We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes --" "Abstinence only?" asks C.J. "Yes," says Josh. "I would have no trouble passing such a class," C.J. offers, and Josh gets a bit of TMI whiplash. He hands C.J. a copy of a report that was commissioned on sex education in public schools. Josh summarizes: "It says basically that teaching abstinence only doesn't work -- that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not." I wish he'd used a word other than "prone," there, because given the context, well, anyway...C.J. asks what the report recommends, and Josh says that it favors "abstinence plus." When C.J. asks what that is, Josh says that Sam renamed it "everything but." C.J. says, "So the sticky wicket joke was...?" "A regrettable pun," Josh confesses. Josh offers to order food for C.J., and then adds, "By the way, pages twenty-seven to thirty-three? A couple of things every girl should know." C.J. asks for a salad. Instead, she gets the credits.
Fishboy wanders into C.J.'s office and asks if she wants dinner. She explains that she has to read a report about sex education, and adds, "I'm anticipating any joke you could possibly make right now, and I'm not finding any of them funny." Fishboy insists that eventually C.J. will have to go on a date with him, instead of just grabbing him and kissing him randomly. Oh God, it's happened more than once? He says, "I applaud the spirit, but there's [sic] better things ahead. As I'm sure you're about to read." Give me an "E"! Give me a "W"! What does it spell? EW! C.J. asks what Fishboy wants, and he answers, "I want to know about an advance man for the Vice-President who took a Navy helicopter to Pebble Beach to shoot eighteen holes." C.J., shocked, asks how he heard about it. Fishboy credits an anonymous source in the White House. C.J. says she'll look into it. Then she kisses him. Ugh.
Donna shouts for Josh, and then asks Cathy, "Did they burn the hamburger?" Cathy says, "I told them well-done," and Donna explains, "He likes it beyond well-done; he likes it burnt." Josh pops in and immediately asks, "Did they burn the hamburger?" Donna says that they did, whereupon Josh asks, "Did you check?" "I am not checking your food!" Donna says, and for once I sympathize with her. Josh goes on to say, "I like it where if you dropped it on the floor, it would break." Desperate to change the subject, Donna asks, "What's 'Take Out the Trash Day?'" Josh says, "Any stories we have to give to the press that we're not wild about, we give them all in a lump on Friday." Hey, Ken Olin directed this episode! ["And he directed Freaks and Geeks last week! The man gets around!" -- Wing Chun] Donna asks why they don't spread out all the bad stories. Josh spells out the obvious: If the stories are all released the same day, coverage will be divided among them. Donna asks why they do this on Fridays. "Because no one reads the paper on Saturday," Josh explains.
Sam steps into Toby's office with this conversational starter: "There's a town in Alabama that wants to abolish all laws except the Ten Commandments." Toby already knows, because Toby knows everything. Sam says, "Some of those Commandments are going to be pretty hard to enforce." Toby seems uninterested in this topic, and asks what Sam wants. Sam says that he's been asked to comment on a story that will be in tomorrow's Georgetown Hoya. That's Georgetown University's newspaper, which I guess might be common knowledge, but I wouldn't know that if I didn't leave near D.C., so consider this your educational tidbit for the day. And before you ask, no one knows what the hell a "Hoya" is. Sam explains that "A sociology professor has been teaching what the paper, at any rate, feels is racist stuff. Too much funding for Head Start, welfare mothers, and --" When Toby wonders why this is a White House issue, Sam explains that Zoey is in the class. Toby summarizes, "The President's daughter got an idiot sociology teacher, and we've gotta..." Sam says he'll talk to Zoey. Toby turns back to his laptop, but then realizes Sam is still lurking in the doorway.
Toby: What else?
Sam: Coveting thy neighbor's wife, for example. How are you gonna enforce that one?
Toby: Sam!
Sam: We never have our chats anymore, Toby.
Toby: What chats?
Sam: Our late night chats!
Toby: Did we ever do that?
Sam: ...No.