He Shall, From Time to Time...

A title card indicates that it's "Monday Night," throwing off my already precarious sense of time. The Prez speechifies: "eighteen million new jobs," "highest home ownership in history," "economic expansion," etc. We see the magic of the teleprompter, as the Prez speaks to the staff, who are scattered about in the nearly-empty Press Room. It must be an accurate imitation of a State of the Union address, because I slip into a coma almost instantly. Toby's voice revives me when he interrupts to correct a figure the Prez gave: "It's 'ninety billion dollars.' You said 'million.'" The Prez notes that the teleprompter text reads "million." Sam says that they'll fix it. The Prez coughs a bit and starts over. C.J. and Josh watch on a closed-circuit television. Josh says that the Prez looks unwell. C.J. sips her coffee and agrees. Josh asks, "Are his glands swollen?" "Damn!" says C.J. "You know what I forgot to do today? I forgot to feel the President's glands." Josh asks, "Do you think the joke reflex you use as a defense mechanism is why you've got so much trouble keeping a man?" C.J. dumps her hot cup off coffee on Josh's head. Well, she should have. The Prez says, "'I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago'...and I see we're spelling 'hallowed' with a pound sign in the middle of it. The pound sign is silent?" He continues, saying that his mission was to restore the American dream "'as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us in the 321st century.' Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?" Heh. Leo suggests that it's time for a break. The Prez asks Sam if the word should have been "stronger" where the text reads, "I'm proud to report, our country's stranger than it was a year ago." "That's a typo," says Sam, but the Prez says, "It could go either way." I am not fool enough to make fun of the staff's proofreading skills, since Wing has to correct my errors in these recaps. ["I don't think our mistakes are this funny though, Strega -- but only Wing could say for sure." -- deborah] ["I love you both." -- Wing Chun] Josh and C.J. approach the Prez and inquire about his health. The Prez insists that he's fine. C.J. says that he should be taking something, but the Prez says he is. The whole gang starts parading down the hallway. When asked what, he says, "My wife hands me pills, I swallow them with water. Vitamin C, vitamin B. Is it possible I'm taking something called 'euthanasia'?" "Echinacea?" Sam asks. C.J. nags, "Are you actually taking them or just carrying them around in your pocket?" The Prez growls that carrying them around was a big step for him. As they move through the offices, the Prez instructs Toby to amend the speech to read, "How do we make the American dream a reality for all who work for it?" Toby complains. Josh indicates that polls support adding that phrase, adding, "I'll tell you what else: The era of big government is over." Toby asks when that happened. Josh replies, "We had a meeting this morning." Toby says, "We decided to offend poor people?" Josh points out that the people they might offend won't be watching the speech. Toby retorts, "When you get visited in the middle of the night by the Ghost of Christmas Future, don't come running to me." Toby also observes that the Prez looks unwell. "Well, I'm gazing into the 321st century, man; there's a lot on my mind." "'Man'?" I wonder. C.J. nags some more. The Prez agrees to take the pills immediately. He mentions that he will drink water from a pitcher that was given to him by the Christian Charity Network. He also calls Toby, "Skippy." Turning to Toby, the Prez says, "Before you start calling me Ebenezer Bartlet, remember, I got a really nice glass pitcher for just, you know, being a good guy." Toby deadpans, "Well, you turned me right around on that one, Mr. President." The Prez enters the Oval Office. Sam notes that normally the President is invited by the Speaker of the House to deliver the State of the Union, but that they haven't gotten an invitation yet. Leo asks Sam to take care of that little technicality. Suddenly, there's here's a big crash from inside the office. They rush in to find the Prez has collapsed, and is lying face-down on the floor. Credits.

A doctor, who looks a little too much like Peter Cushing to be trustworthy, reports that the Prez has the flu. The Prez insists that he's fine. Apart from having the flu. Leo insists that the Prez go to bed, but the Prez says he can't yet, and hands a note to Leo, adding, "Situation Room." Leo looks at the note and agrees. The Prez stands up, and suddenly stumbles, causing everyone to panic. The Prez straightens himself, smirks, and says, "Just a little joke." That kooky president! I bet the Secret Service loves him.

In the Situation Room, the admiral consults with his flunkies and decides that "steady but not egregious" has a nice ring to it. The Prez enters, asking if the Celtics won. A flunky is sent off to find out. The admiral declares that "there have been steady -- but not egregious -- clashes along the cease-fire line." Behind the admiral is a really stunningly simplistic map of the area in question, for the benefit of any viewers who don't have an atlas handy. Apparently India's been moving in more troops, even though there are still four days left in the cease-fire agreement. The Prez asks, "What's Intel saying about the Pakistanis?" A gray little man reports, "They're desperately concerned that if the Indians continue their offensive, they won't be able to defend the capital with conventional forces." ["I assume that 'Intel,' in this context, doesn't refer to the manufacturer of the Pentium chip? Yes?" -- Wing Chun] The admiral adds that control of Pakistan's nuclear weapons has been given to field commanders, "but I think they're just trying to get our attention." That's comforting. The Prez says, "They got mine," and Leo adds, "And they've got China's." The admiral says he's readying some B-1s and intelligence forces, and the Prez announces that he's going to bed, but that someone should alert him if there's further troop movement. Another guy hangs up a phone and announces, "The Celtics lost in overtime." Exit the Prez.

Fish-boy is down on one knee, proposing to Mandy. I wish. Apparently he's just sitting in C.J.'s office, staring at Mandy's throat, while she burbles at him. C.J. enters, and Mandy asks, "Don't you think Danny looked very cute with the full beard?" The less you can see of his face, the better, I guess. ["Word. I'd like to see him try out that Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy look, myself." -- Wing Chun] C.J. says she hadn't thought about it, and asks what Danny wants. He says he dropped by to visit his fish. C.J. says that the fish is fine, and that she needs her office. Danny leaves, but unfortunately Mandy remains. Mandy says, "It wouldn't kill you to be a little friendlier to him." "It doesn't seem to kill you," C.J. remarks coldly. Mandy starts to take offense. C.J. asks what Mandy wants. "Are you kidding?" asks Mandy. C.J. says she was, but Mandy whines, "You sounded serious." "I'm very dry," C.J. explains. Then Mandy says that the story about Leo's drug abuse will break tomorrow. "It's on the internet," she says. Damn that pesky internet! Curse you, Matt Drudge!

Leo explains to his secretary, Margaret, that they haven't been invited for the address. "Also, remind Josh to pick a guy." "He'll know what that means?" she asks. Leo says that he will. Margaret gets as far as "'Cause I don't know --" before Leo cuts her off. C.J. enters as Margaret scurries away. C.J. hesitates in the doorway nervously and asks how the Prez is doing. Leo tells her that the Prez is okay, and that the First Lady is on her way to the White House. C.J. bites her lip and says, "Leo..." Leo asks, "It's gonna break. Tomorrow?" C.J. nods. Leo takes the news pretty calmly. She suggests that Leo speak to the press first thing in the morning, and adds, "I'm going to work with you first, okay?" Leo agrees. C.J. says "Okay" a few times and finally leaves.

While the doctor draws some blood, the Prez reclines in bed and argues with Toby about the speech. Apparently Toby doesn't want the Prez to say, "The era of big government is over." Probably because it's blatantly untrue or something. The Prez insists that he just wants to see how it sounds. The Prez hangs up, and Charlie asks him how he feels. The Prez says he feels the same as he did four minutes ago and that "this isn't the worst of it, Charlie. The worst of it is coming up the stairs right now." Enter Stockard Channing, right on cue. The doctor introduces himself to the First Lady as Admiral Hackett, but I still say he's a Peter Cushing clone and he's probably up to no good. Abby starts looking over the doctor's medical reports and asks Charlie to get her bag. She starts rattling off orders for an IV, and asks the Prez if he's still dizzy. The Prez says he isn't, and Abby responds, "He's lying; give him flumadine." Heh. So she's Doctor Mrs. President. Cool. She takes her medical kit from Charlie and dismisses him and the Admiral. The Prez starts hazily coming on to her, saying that she's very sexy when she's in doctor mode: "I could jump you right now." Abby says, "I could kill you right now." "My thing's more fun," he answers. Abby complains that it took twenty-five minutes for the Prez to call her. He explains that there was troop movement in Kashmir. She says, "I don't care if Canada invaded Michigan, you call me!" If Canada invaded Michigan, would anyone really mind? They're probably just after our cable TV anyway. ["You know it, girlfriend." -- Wing Chun] The Prez tells Abby that he broke the glass pitcher in the Oval Office while she prepares an injection. He groans as she gives him the shot. She takes off her glasses and asks very seriously, "Was it like the time in Nantucket?" Uh oh, the plot thickens! "Yeah," says the Prez. "Or was it more like the time at my parents'?" she probes. He says he doesn't remember. She strokes his hair and tells him to go to sleep. Aw. The Prez updates her about the Pakistanis, and apologizes for breaking the glass pitcher as he drifts off. Abby sits down by his bed. I know she's a bit of a clothes-horse, but I don't think the First Lady should wear two-inch spiked heels. It seems impractical. ["No more so than the hair, which has got 'an hour with the stylist' written all over it. No First Lady in history has bothered with this Hollywood premiere hair on a daily basis, much less worn it curling around her clavicle. I'm just sayin'." -- deborah]

"Tuesday Morning" saith the title card. Josh is on the phone, trying to track down the invitation. Donna enters and reminds Josh that Margaret said that Leo said that Josh has to pick a guy. Read it again -- it'll make sense. Josh explains, "Someone from the line of succession is required to be absent from the State of the Union." Donna spells it out, "So, if somebody blows up the building...?" Five points for Donna. She asks who Josh will pick, adding, "I think you should pick me." Josh asks, "Where exactly do you fall in the line of succession?" Donna smiles and says, "If somebody blows up the Capitol building during the State of the Union, I imagine I'd move up a few slots." Josh grins, but says he's picked Roger Tribby, the Secretary of Agriculture. He then tells Donna to "be sweet" to Margaret and Leo since they are going to have a terrible, awful, very bad day. Be sweet? Donna? Donna strolls off and Josh enters Leo's office. Leo is working on his remarks with C.J. and Sam, reading, "I deeply regret the pain and trouble this has caused for the people in my life." Josh asks if Leo attended meetings after leaving the rehab center. "AA meetings?" asks Leo. C.J. interjects, "Don't say AA if they don't say AA." Josh repeats the question, and this time Leo answers, "Yes." Josh: "Do you still attend them?" Leo: "Yes." Pause while Sam, Josh, and C.J. stare at each other. "Where?" C.J. demands. Leo refuses to answer. C.J. asks how often, and Leo again declines to answer. Josh suggests "As often as I need to," would be a good response, but Sam repeats, "'Need'?" "He's right," says Josh, and C.J. declares, "Don't answer it." They continue, and C.J. asks if anyone had concerns about Leo having such a sensitive position, given his past problems. Leo testily answers, "Yeah, they were concerned I'd sell state secrets to Bolivia for a quick --" Josh points out that it's a reasonable question. Leo insists that he's ready. Sam announces that he wrote a draft of the President's statement of support. "Who told you to do that?" Leo asks. Josh says that Toby told Sam to do it. Sam finally gets fed up, and declares, "Nobody had to tell me. You're about to get attacked! It's what I do!" Leo snarls that Sam's job is to protect the president, adding, "Do me a favor, Sam. Don't show initiative. Don't rush to my defense." He rants on a bit before concluding, "[If] I go down, I go down. I'm not taking anyone with me. Is that clear?" Sam nods, "Yes, sir." Leo dismisses them. Rob Lowe looks somehow Wesley-like with his glasses on. (The Wesley on Angel, not the one on Star Trek: The Generation. That would be even creepier.)

The Prez is propped up on some pillows in bed while Abby takes the thermometer out of his mouth. She's curled up on the bed to him, still fully dressed, including the spiked heels. I'll bet there are punctures in the mattress now. Abby says that the Prez's temperature has gone down. While she listens to his heart, the Prez says, "Here's the thing, though: I never really saw you study while you were in med school." The Prez declares that he's going to the office. "Okay. Feel free," says Abby. He struggles out of bed in his presidential PJs. He stands up, immediately says, "Uh oh," and sits back down on the bed. "I think I'll stay here for a little bit," the Prez says as Abby tucks him back in.

Leo enters the packed Press Room as flashbulbs go off, and begins to read his statement: "In June of 1993, I voluntarily admitted myself to the Sierra Tucson Rehabilitation Facility to treat an addiction to alcohol and valium. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I deeply regret the pain and trouble this has caused the people in my life. I'd like to, at this point, clarify a few things..."

Donna and Josh wander the halls. Donna is sucking down some frozen yogurt as she inquires why Josh picked the Secretary of Agriculture. "Because the Attorney General, the Secretaries of State, Defense, and the Treasury are famous faces and we want the camera to find them." Donna complains, "So if the Capitol building blows up, the man my country will be looking to is the Secretary of Agriculture." "It's my country too," notes Josh. "But you'll be dead," counters Donna. Josh says, "Which is why I really don't care that much." When Donna tries to continue the discussion, Josh says that he really doesn't expect the Capitol to explode. Donna asks, "What percentage of things exploding have been anticipated?" Josh pauses and says, "Now you're bringing me down." Her work done, Donna strolls off. Josh calls to Sam, and they agree that Leo handled the press conference very well. Maybe he had a few drinks beforehand to steady his nerves? Josh says that the statement of support Sam wrote for the Prez was "sensational," and that it's too bad no one will see it. Sam says, "He's reading it right now." Josh, aghast, says, "Leo's gonna kill us!" Sam grins and says, "I don't care. Do you?" "Nah," says Josh. We pan over to the room, where a random yahoo is telling Toby, "We're concerned that the speech contains a number of positions that some of the Democrats in Congress aren't quite on board with yet." A disgruntled Toby asks what the yahoos want to change. "There's too much emphasis placed on the role of the federal government," one points out. Well, it's not like the President has anything to do with the federal government, so I can understand their concern. Clearly, he should be talking about condo associations. Toby sighs heavily, and says, "This is an opportunity for a pep rally. This is an opportunity to trumpet government. Why do we want to pretend to be sorry for intruding?" "Because that's what people want to hear," is the response. Toby asks them to pick a section to complain about so he can move on to arguing with some other group. One of them focuses right in on federal funding of the arts. Toby sighs again. So do I.

Leo sits in his office. Behind him, images of his press conference are shown on the news. Leo looks over and changes the channel. Mallory enters and asks if he's okay, and then complains because she wanted to be there with him for the press conference. Leo explains that he didn't know when it would be; he thought it would be in the afternoon. Liar! Liar! Mallory insists that she and her mom should have been with him. Leo says, "Oh yes, definitely, a picture of me standing to my estranged wife is what I --" Mallory cuts him off and says that she doesn't want to fight with him. No, she wants to start a fight between Leo and Sam, because the thing she says is, "I saw a copy of the President's statement." Mallory talks about how moving the statement is, and how much the Prez loves Leo, while Leo's blood pressure reaches record levels. Leo goes out in search of someone to yell at.

Back in the office fishbowl, Josh asks Sam, "Where are we at?" Sam says they're getting "slapped around on the NEA." Josh whines, "On the NEA, he's putting up a fight?" Leo stomps in and says, "You did it again." Josh and Sam look up like guilty schoolboys. Leo asks if the Prez has seen the statement, and Josh says that he has. Leo, in a choked-up voice expressive of someone so frustrated they may burst into tears at any moment, demands, "Who gave it to him?" "I did," says Josh. "I did," says Sam. "What, are you giving me Abbott and Costello?" Leo snarls. Josh opens his mouth to claim responsibility, but Sam repeats, "I did," before Josh can get a word out. Leo gets ready to bust some heads. Sam quickly but calmly says, "They want to tear you down, plain and simple. They don't like you, so this is what they do. And for us not to defend you...I disobeyed you. I apologize. But that's the way it is." Leo is stunned, perhaps by this show of loyalty, perhaps by the realization that the staff is not nearly as terrified of getting him angry as they should be. A random secretary tells Leo that the First Lady is waiting in his office. Leo looks back at Sam and Josh and says in his best disappointed father voice, "This is not what I wanted."

Abby and Mallory are taking the opportunity for some girl talk in Leo's office. Abby points triumphantly at Mallory and says, "You've got an itch for Sam Seaborn!" Mallory denies any itch exists and makes some very strange hand gestures of her own. Abby advises, "Don't go for the geniuses. They never want to sleep." First, what an odd thing to say. Second, does she think Sam "I Accidentally Slept With a Prostitute" Seaborn is a genius? Or does she mean that as an endorsement of Sam; he's not a genius and therefore Mallory should go for him. Because Sam, unlike a genius, will want to sleep. Which is how we should evaluate potential dates? ["I think the First Lady has confused genius and nerditude. You can see how that might happen, married to a massive nerd who happens to be the Prez. Either that, or she's suffering the ill effects of too much time under the blow dryer." -- deborah] While I try to puzzle out this enigma, Leo enters. He asks Mallory if she could step out for a minute. Mallory makes one more strange gesture and declares, "I do not have an itch!" causing Leo to exclaim, "Mallory!" Mallory leaves. Abby tells Leo that he did a good job at the press conference, and asks, "Do you think there's a huge downside to postponing for a couple of days?" Leo asks if the Prez's fever is up, and Abby says it isn't. Growing suspicious, he asks what's going on. Abby tries to act casual, but Leo asks, "What should I know that I don't know?" Well, your daughter has a crush on a man who slept with a prostitute, for one thing. Leo points out that Abby cancelled her trip, supposedly because the Prez had the flu, and now she wants to postpone the State of the Union address. Finally he sits down and says, "This is me. This has happened before. I see you trying to cover the panic. I see you prescribing medication. I think you're giving him shots. What does he have [that] you can't tell people?" Abby makes another valiant effort, declaring that the Prez has the flu. "He fainted. He was running a fever," she insists. Leo stares at her until she finally says, "He has multiple sclerosis, Leo. A fever could be life-threatening." A tear slides down her cheek with perfect timing as we go to commercial.

The last ad in the break is for the NBC soap-opera Passions and I catch the announcer saying something about "on The West Wing." I assume I misheard, but sure enough, we fade up on a television where the maid from Passions is telling her employer, "He's married to someone else, and so are you." A veiled commentary on the slightly melodramatic twists in this episode, or just a particularly bizarre crossover from the geniuses at NBC? The Prez is sitting up in bed with Charlie seated nearby as they watch the show. The Prez comments, "I don't understand. Don't any of these characters have jobs?" Charlie says that he thinks one of them is a surgeon. The Prez observes, "They seem to have a lot of free time in the middle of the day." The phone rings, and Charlie answers it while the Prez continues, "And that woman's changed her clothes quite a lot for one afternoon." Hee. I wish we could have heard the Prez's thoughts on Timmy, the demonic doll. Perhaps some other time. Charlie says that Leo is outside, and the Prez asks Charlie to step out for a few minutes. Leo enters, and the Prez tells him, "Abby phoned me up and told me about your conversation. It was diagnosed about seven years ago. My life expectancy is normal. My particular course of MS is called relapsing-remitting, which means I should experience total recovery after attacks." Leo just stares down at the Prez sadly. The Prez continues, "Abby gives me injections of something called betaseron, and that reduces the frequency. Fever and stress tend to be two things that will induce an attack." Leo says, "Well, you're President of the United States, you're delivering a State of the Union address tomorrow night, India and Pakistan are pointing nuclear weapons at each other, and you have a 102-degree fever. So I guess we're out of the woods!" He sits down on the edge of the bed and asks why the Prez didn't tell him. "'Cause I wanted to be president," answers the Prez. Leo responds, "That wouldn't have stopped me from getting you here. And I could've been a friend." The Prez says that Leo has been a friend. Leo says, "When I was lying on my face in the motel parking lot, you were the one I called." The Prez tries to change the topic subtly by saying, "When you stood up there today, I was so proud. I wanted to be with you. I tried to get up, and I fell back down again." Leo dryly observes, "I know how that feels." The Prez chuckles and finally says, "I'm so sorry, Leo. I really am." Charlie re-enters as Leo looks at the Prez and says, "Don't worry about it." Charlie announces that Lord Marbury has arrived. Leo, to his credit, does not roll his eyes. A very nice job by both actors in this scene, conveying both how close the characters are, and how uncomfortable they are talking about it.

Toby is still arguing about the speech. One nattering nabob, named Burns, complains that the Prez is proposing to increase the NEA's funding by fifty percent. Time for Toby to whup some philistine ass! He starts off by noting that NEA funding costs taxpayers thirty-nine cents per year (which sounds like a high figure to me) and is equivalent to the arts funding in Sweden. A curly-haired yahoo starts to say, "With such a big deal being made out of the performance art of the Mapplethorpe photographs --" Toby jumps in to ask, "[Are] you gay-bashing, Raymond?" Since Toby didn't, I'll add that, unless they've changed the definitions recently, photographs are not performance art. Raymond says he doesn't want the speech to mention the NEA. Burns jumps in to add, "Personally, I don't know what to say to people who argue that the NEA is there to support art that nobody wanted to pay for in the first place. I don't know what to tell people when they say [that] Rodgers and Hart didn't need the NEA to write Oklahoma, and Arthur Murray didn't need the NEA to write Death of a Salesman." I can't help wishing the yahoos had been given a better argument for Toby to destroy, but it's still fun to watch as he calmly responds: "I'd start by telling them that Rodgers and Hammerstein wrote Oklahoma, and Arthur Murray taught ballroom dance. Arthur Miller, on the other hand, did need the NEA to write Death of a Salesman, only it wasn't called the NEA back then, it was called the WPA and it was Roosevelt's..." Everyone looks on curiously as the mere mention of FDR appears to destroy Toby's capacity for speech. I think Toby's had an idea. He finally returns from a higher plane, thanks everyone, and ends the meeting.

The Prez tries to tell Toby all about his day of television viewing. "I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends, apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?" Toby actually laughs out loud, which doesn't happen often, before answering, "I wouldn't think so -- no, sir." ["I suppose an even safer assumption is that not many of them are watching The West Wing, either." -- deborah] ["Unfortunately, some of them do read this site, but they seem generally to steer clear of the West Wing area." Wing Chun] Josh enters, apparently at Toby's invitation. The Prez asks what they want to talk about. Toby says, "The era of big government is over." The Prez asks if Toby wants to get rid of that line from the speech. Toby sits down, saying, "I want to change the sentiment. We're running away from ourselves. And I know we can score points that way. I was a principal architect of that campaign strategy, along with you, Josh. But we're here now. Tomorrow night we do an immense thing. We have to say what we feel. That government -- no matter what its failures in the past, and in times to come for that matter [way to hedge your bets there, Toby] -- government can be a place where people come together, and where no one gets left behind." He repeats, "No one gets left behind," and hesitantly adds, "An instrument of good." The Prez and Josh stare at Toby, who finally says, "I have no trouble understanding why the line tested well, Josh, but I don't think that means we should say it. I think that means we should change it." The Prez agrees, "I think so, too. What do you think, Josh?" Josh says, "I make it a point never to disagree with Toby when he's right." Which is, of course, all the time. ["Toby is my boyfriend. Wing can make do with Scott Speedman." -- deborah] ["Are you suggesting that I'm not woman enough for both of them?" -- Wing Chun]

At long last, it's Wednesday night. C.J., Josh, and Sam are gathered together, awaiting the big speech. Josh teases C.J., singing, "You're jealous 'cause Danny was flirting with Mandy," which has a few too many syllables to fit into the childish tune he's using, but whatever. C.J. denies that any jealousy exists. Sam takes this opportunity to re-focus the conversation on himself, saying, "I'm at this place with Mallory where I don't know if she likes me. I don't know if she doesn't like me. I don't know if she's indifferent altogether. I just wish she'd take the bull by the horns and get past this, so we could move on." Because naturally, it would be impossible for Sam to actually ask how she feels or anything crazy like that. I'll bet Sam wants to sleep a lot. Luckily, at that moment Mallory walks up and asks Sam, "Did you write the statement defending my father?" Sam admits that he did, and Mallory gives him a quick kiss. Then she wraps both arms around him and gives him a much longer kiss, as Josh and C.J. watch intently. Josh looks slightly disgusted. Mallory leaves, and Sam says, "Well, now I'm even more confused. Though I've got to say, I'm enjoying being a writer." Wing and Sars haven't mentioned any similar perks for the MBTV staff, but I'm sure James Marsters will turn up on my doorstep any minute. ["I'll bet Wing and Sars are hogging all the 'perks' for themselves!" -- deborah] ["I'd love to contradict that, but Goran Visnjic is waiting to suck my fingers so I can't really type much longer. I mean, No! Of course we aren't!" -- Wing Chun] C.J. instructs a random flunky to ask Danny to go to C.J.'s office. Meanwhile, upstairs, Abby looks over the speech and asks the Prez if she can take his temperature one last time. He says no, unless she wants to take it "recreationally." Eek. ["I'm guessing he wasn't talking about the axillary method, either. Talk about TMI, Jed." -- deborah] Abby asks why "hallowed" is spelled with a pound sign in the middle. The Prez says, "I stopped asking those questions," and kisses her.

C.J.'s fish has been provided with a miniature lectern, little flags, and red, white and blue sand. She really needs a hobby. Danny admires the fish, and hears a knock at the door. "Yes?" he says. C.J. asks if she can come in. "This is your office," Danny notes. "Right," she says, and enters. She explains, "I do seem to have a preoccupation, um, a sort of girlish, I suppose, thing, which, uh, and please don't be in any way misled by anything...In fact, let me put it this way." Danny interrupts, "I was supposed to write about the speech tonight. My paper's gonna want me to, you know, see it." Because it's not like they make copies available to the press beforehand. I'll take that as another sign that Danny is a Very Bad Reporter. C.J. announces, "I thought what I'd do is kiss you. You know, on the mouth. And then I'd just, get past it." Maybe C.J. should forget the hobby and just watch more television, because I can't count how many times I've seen this premise tried out there, and it never works. By the way, has any real human being ever thought, well I'll just kiss this person, and that way I won't be interested in them any more? I'm very disappointed with this entire plotline. After plenty more stammering and awkwardness to draw things out, Danny finally grabs C.J. and kisses her, possibly just to shut her up. Ew. While they kiss, C.J. reaches down and holds Danny's flipper, which is sort of sweet. Then she says she has to go, picks up her fishbowl, and heads for the door. Danny asks, "Taking that fish with you?" "No!" says C.J., and returns it to her desk. She tries to leave again, and we hear a thump. "Walked into that door there," notes Danny. I take it back, he's a great reporter. C.J. finally makes it out of the room.

Lord Marbury tells Abby about more whiskey-based medication. They see the Prez, who hands Lord M. some satellite photographs of the Indian forces retreating. The Prez thanks Lord M. for his help, and even Leo says, "Good luck, John." "Good luck to you, too, Leo," he responds. Lord Marbury exits, and The Prez asks for everyone's attention. He praises the speech he is about to deliver, adding, "And I say thee, yea, Toby Ziegler! And I say thee, yea, Sam Seaborn." Despite this odd speech, there are cheers and applause but no shouts of "huzzah!" Charlie tells the Prez that the motorcade is ready, and the Secretary of Agriculture is waiting. The Prez enters the Oval Office and greets Roger Tribby, alias the evil, immortal, and nigh-invulnerable former mayor of Sunnydale. The Prez tells him that he can watch the speech on television. Or just nap for a couple of hours. Roger presents the Prez with a gift: "Someone took the time to translate our constitution into Latin. I think it was a high school project actually, and it got published." The Prez, being a big geek, is impressed. Roger continues, "I highlighted what I thought was an appropriate passage in the executive powers section." So you found this old book and then scribbled all over it? Nice present. ["That's exactly what I thought too!" Wing Chun] The Prez finds the quote, and translates, "He shall, from time to time, give to the Congress information of the state of the union and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient." "Sounds right up your alley, sir," says Roger, the sycophant. ["Charlie's waiting outside with a big hanky to clean off Roger's nose." -- deborah] The Prez starts to leave, then begins giving Roger instructions about what to do if anything should happen. "First thing, always, is national security," he says, and blathers on about that for a while. Leo puts on his coat in his office door, where he can faintly hear the Prez's voice. "You got a best friend?" the Prez asks. Roger says that he does. His best friend is a demon from the steaming pits of hell, but he's a good guy. The Prez asks, "Is he smarter than you?" and Roger says yes. "Would you trust him with your life?" Again, Roger answers affirmatively. "That's your Chief of Staff." Leo exits. Aw. Then the Prez starts explaining that you have to jiggle the handle on one of the presidential toilets before he finally puts on his coat and leaves. As soon as he's out the door, Roger gets on the phone and starts inviting all of his friends over for a kegger at the deserted White House.