By Shack
Previously on The West Wing: VPOTUS Hoynes invited Leo to join his very special Leaders of the Free World chapter of AA.
We open on a meeting of the Leaders of the Free World AA chapter, held in some storage room full of busts and flags and globes and such. It's where they keep the ugly gifts they get from foreign dignitaries, but dust off and put out when said dignitaries visit, for the sake of good diplomacy. A bunch of men (and from what I can tell, one woman) sit around a table. Leo sits among them. A man recites some AA stuff to the gathered folks. Hoynes wanders in as the man's finishing up; Hoynes grabs some coffee, and takes a seat. The men bicker a little while about funding some plane that may or may not suck wind rather than soar through it. One man with a pronounced Texas accent has an important issue to bring up. He's concerned about Leo attending the meetings, because Leo's past addictions have been outed, and his participation could threaten the anonymity of the other participants. Texan worries, "Every meeting's for anybody. You don't have a password at the door. You just walk in and sit down. Except where anonymity is crucial, even among alcoholics -- commercial airline pilots, surgeons, and us." Well, that would be an interesting dilemma if they didn't have Secret Service agents watching the door and that they do in fact run the meetings under the guise of a poker game. Plus, who on earth is going to wander into a storage room in the basement of the White House? They argue about it, but Hoynes puts a stop to it by pointing out that they're his meetings and that Leo can stay. The man who read the AA stuff at the beginning reminds the others, "What we see here, what we say here, what we hear here, stays here." The meeting starts.
Sing along with The West Wing theme song! "A show! About the prez! Please don't dissect what it says! It's just entertaining! Not educating! It doesn't have a point of view! These! Are Aaron's tales! Please don't project your views upon this show! About the prez! (That's all it is!)" You can blame Miss Alli for that. She started it.
When we return from commercials, we're informed that it's 10:30 PM, Thursday night. The office looks just as busy as it would be at two in the afternoon. Josh and Sam are pedeconferencing. Sam apparently just returned from an ice hockey game with Toby, creating a perfect jumping-off point for slashfic writers. Sam blathers on a bit to the effect that, if he ever owned a hockey team, he'd hire a sumo wrestler and just have him sit in front of the goal. Josh points out the many ways that this plan wouldn't work. Sam: "My idea is totally unviable?" Josh: "You're a Democrat. It's a pretty big club."
Having successfully placed the sumo wrestler in Act I so that it can go off in Act IV, the men get down to business. Josh has called Sam in about the "Internet Education Act," which is going before the Health, Education, and Welfare Committee tomorrow. Josh explains that the committee is going to eliminate the "Technology Challenge Fund." Sam points out that VPOTUS was behind that fund. Josh was still working for Hoynes when Hoynes created it. Hoynes doesn't know about the bad news yet, and Josh wants Sam to explain it to Hoynes. Sam wonders why they want him to do it. Josh tells Sam that neither Josh nor Leo has the best relationship with Hoynes these days. Sam asks whether Hoynes is going to be miffed to hear the bad news about his fund coming from the Deputy Communications Director. Josh clarifies that he actually wants Sam to help Hoynes save the fund. Sam agrees to meet with VPOTUS in twenty minutes, but asks about some meeting that Josh has planned for the evening. Josh tells him that he can come in on the meeting late, and that he'll find out what it's about when he gets there.
Sam heads off, and Josh wanders over to Donna because he can't find some folders. He says that one of them contains "launch codes," and I hope he's joking, but it doesn't sound like it. Donna simply tells him that they'll "turn up." He's asks for a few other things, and Donna tells him she'll get right on that, but she would like a favor in return. Her twelfth-grade English teacher, one Molly Marillo, was one of "those teachers," and is retiring. This sends Josh careening down memory lane about "Mr. Feig," his AP American History teacher. For me it was Mrs. McCarthy, my tenth-grade World History teacher, who taught the subject as though she were some sort of gossip columnist. Donna interrupts both Josh and myself to remind us that we're talking about her now. Oh, fine. Josh gives her a hurt look, so Donna lets him continue. Josh concludes by pointing out that Mr. Feig meant the world to him and died four years ago. Now that Donna's done pretending to care, she moves on to the actual favor request. Molly Marillo is retiring and Donna is hoping to get a presidential proclamation on her behalf. Donna insists that it would just be a "little thing," but Josh points out that these proclamations are important have the force of law or something and uses the Emancipation Proclamation as an example. I doubt the South will secede over Molly Marillo Day, though that dumb jock she flunked might. They argue some more, until Josh admits that he doesn't have a clue how these proclamations work. Donna offers to find out what's involved and get back to him. Josh agrees, and they split off.
Sam stops by Toby's office before heading off to his meeting with VPOTUS. Sam tells Toby that some standardized test scores have been released, and they show that America's kids have improved over the year. Toby sarcastically asks, "So instead of trailing eighteen third-world countries in reading and math, we trail how many?" Sam points out that the numbers are up, and that's the important thing. He thinks the Education Secretary should make an announcement tomorrow and get it out on the news. Toby says that they have several other media events planned. They argue for a little bit until Toby agrees to take a look at the schedule and see if they can't squeeze it in. Sam heads off for his meeting. Toby comes out of his office to tell Ginger that he needs to know what the Cabinet is doing tomorrow. Ginger simply nods at him and goes back to work, not realizing that Toby meant "right now." After some prodding, Ginger looks over a clipboard and reads tomorrow's events. Toby stops her when she gets to an event at noon from the HUD Secretary about home-ownership loans. Toby looks confused for a moment, and then seems to figure it out. He tells Ginger to page the HUD Secretary and tell him that Toby wants to see him in his office. Ginger: "When?" Toby: "Look at my face." Ginger: "You always look slightly pissed like that, except when you were drooling over the Poet Laureate." Well, no, she doesn't say that. She realizes that Toby means now and picks up a phone to page the HUD Secretary. Toby heads off to that mysterious "meeting."
Elsewhere, Jed is sitting at Charlie's computer while Charlie paces behind him. Jed has apparently offered to help Charlie file his taxes online. I was hoping that this storyline would end up with Bartlet screwing up Charlie's forms to show us all that, just because the guy has a Nobel Prize in Economics, that doesn't mean he understands those forms any better than the rest of us do. Anyway, Jed sticks in figures representing the Social Security and pension benefits Charlie and his sister get from their mom's death. Charlie is caught up wondering whether he should take the standardized deductions or itemizing. You know what's more boring than watching a scene about filing taxes? Recapping a scene about filing taxes. It turns out that Charlie has donated more than $1,300 to charitable causes, even though he grosses only $35,000. Aww. How can you not love Charlie? Jed calculates that Charlie is better off with the standard deduction. So they finish with the figures, and both of them have calculated that Charlie will get a refund of $700. Jed asks Charlie what he's going to do with the money. Charlie explains that he's getting a DVD player with MP3 playback and a good DVD from an auction on eBay. Jed asks if it's Yeomen of the Guard. Uh, no. It's On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Jed goes on this long rant about why James Bond was a wimp when it came to his booze: "Shaken not stirred would get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so as not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it." Thanks for the newsflash, President Know-It-All, but as some posters have pointed out, James Bond orders vodka in his martinis, not gin. And you're supposed to shake vodka martinis for reasons that I couldn't possibly care about. My favorite mixed drinks are generally poured out of a blender. ["If you're talking about Jamba Juice, I'm right there with you. (But really, I know you aren't.)" -- Wing Chun]
Anyway, Charlie's figures come back, and they're not what either of them expected. Rather than getting a $700 refund, Charlie actually owes $400. Jed wants Charlie to pay up now, but Charlie wants to check the numbers and figure out what happened. Just then, C.J. comes in and says she needs to talk to POTUS. He heads off to talk to C.J. in the Oval Office, but calls over two Secret Service agents to "help Charlie find his pockets." They stand menacingly in front of Charlie's desk. Heh. Who says Secret Service agents don't have a sense of humor? Charlie insists to them that there has been a mistake.
C.J. apologizes for coming straight to POTUS, but explains that Leo was unavailable. She tells him that he'll be getting a phone call soon from the Energy Secretary. C.J. explains that the wire services are reporting that "a heavy-haul vehicle carrying 'depleted uranium fuel rods' crashed in the Seven Devils Mountains in Idaho." Well, the wire service is wrong. Fuel rods aren't made of "depleted uranium." Although I'm sure the inaccuracy is likely unintentional on the part of the show's writers, it isn't much of a surprise that a wire service got little details like that wrong. Wire services frequently do, and end up updating the stories as they get more information. And I can't imagine that C.J. would know the difference unless somebody explained it to her. Bartlet's shocked. C.J. continues that it was hit head-on by another large truck in the middle of a tunnel. The town of Elk Horn is nearby, with a population of 20,000. Charlie comes in to tell POTUS that the Energy Secretary is on the phone. ["Man, this episode is Secretary-licious! I predict a spin-off -- The Cabinet -- for fall 2003." -- Wing Chun] POTUS tells Charlie to conference in the chief of the radiological assistance team, Fitzwallace, Nancy McNally, and some other bigwigs.
C.J. leaves the president behind to deal with that crisis, and walks into the conference room, where Toby, Josh, Leo, and others are waiting. She tells them all about the accident. Ed or Larry comes in to fill in more details: the rods being transported came from the battleship Truman. Larry or Ed is sitting at the conference table and asks if that means anything. Did Ed or Larry and Larry or Ed break up? They used to be so close. Ed or Larry explains that, essentially, a really big truck hit another really big truck. Toby gloms on to the reference to national security. C.J. points out that a huge truck crashing into another huge truck in a completely deserted area is a bit suspicious, and that they're going to want to look into that. Josh stands up and suggests that they postpone the meeting because it doesn't seem "appropriate" right now. Toby overrules him. Josh explains that he has consulted with Bruno and Doug, and based on their electoral math, they believe that it's worth exploring the possibility of replacing Hoynes on the ticket. Everybody looks slightly shocked. ["Because they hadn't seen Bruno or Doug in so long, they assumed Doug and Bruno were fired, or dead?" -- Wing Chun]
Commercials. Talk to your children about violence. That woman from Just Shoot Me says to.
We return to the Anybody But Hoynes in 2002 confab, where Toby is reminding everybody that he said during the whole MS debacle that "if [they] win re-election, it was going to be on the vice-president's coattails," and wonders what has changed. Josh takes a moment to tell everybody in the room that they were chosen in part because Leo wanted to hear from them, but also because Leo was certain none of them would leak. Ed or Larry and Larry or Ed aren't even sitting near each other! What happened to their love? Josh gets to the details: with Florida Governor Ritchie in the race, Bruno doesn't think that Hoynes can get them Texas. If they lose both Texas and Florida, then that's a third of the electoral votes they need to win. It sounds like they have written off Florida. C.J. asks them who could get them the votes they need. Josh says that nobody can -- they think they're going to lose Texas. Toby gets upset that the meeting's barely started and they're already talking about dumping Hoynes. C.J. defends herself by asking that if nobody can get Texas for the Democrats, then why bother dropping Hoynes? Josh reassures Toby that nobody is advocating dropping Hoynes just yet. They're just discussing the matter. Ed or Larry asks what the answer to C.J.'s question is. Toby explains that they need to sweep the Northeast, the Pacific Coast, and the industrial Northwest. Aren't those already vital voting blocs for a Democratic victory? Larry or Ed asks whether Hoynes hurts the party there. Josh says Bruno believes that there are candidates who can help more than Hoynes. C.J. asks who. Good old Fitzwallace, that's who. ["Rock." -- Wing Chun] Before they can get into a discussion about Fitzwallace's merits, Leo comes in to pull Josh out. They pedeconference briefly so that Josh can tell Leo that the meeting's just getting started. Leo tells Josh to get them all talking and using their imaginations, and sends him back in so that Leo can talk to the president alone.
Leo knocks and enters the Oval Office to brief Jed. He tells Jed that a joint operation has been set up to deal with the mess in Elk Horn, and that he wishes he had been informed about the crisis a half-hour ago. Leo complains that his AA meeting was interfering with his work, and says he's going to drop it. Jed takes great pleasure in walking around Leo, wishing there was some sort of "telephonic device" that he can use to reach him in the case of an emergency, then suddenly yanking up the back of Leo's jacket and pulling out his pager. Imagine a television lawyer melodramatically revealing a piece of shocking trial information, and that's Jed. Leo whines that they should have called him anyway. Well, why didn't he answer his page?
Leo moves on to try to brief POTUS some more, but Jed would rather tell Leo that he should keep some casual clothes in the office for times when they have to work late. Perhaps they're working toward some story arc where they reveal that Bartlet has also been secretly hiding the fact that he has ADD. Leo gets him back on the subject, telling him that initial reports of the accident look good: there haven't been any airborne releases of toxins and no radiation readings. However, both trucks are still burning, and they're going to have to pull fire crews back. Apparently, the transport containers have been tested to withstand 1475-degree temperatures, but that a tunnel fire involving a train in Baltimore went as high as 1500 degrees. Jed tells Leo that he already knows this. He was told this half an hour ago already. Now he knows what it's like to watch Boston Public. Jed brags that he's going to be "thirty minutes smarter" than Leo all night. Leo asks whether Jed knows about the other truck already, then. Oops, Jed doesn't. Take that, President Smug. The other truck was reported stolen from a truck stop in Glenns Ferry two weeks ago. Jed asks whether the driver was killed in the accident. Leo says he was. Jed asks, "Arab?" Sigh. If I were considering terrorist activity in Idaho, my first thought would be Aryan Nation, since that's where they're headquartered. In any event, crashing into a nuclear transport in the middle of a deserted area where the nearest town has a population of 20,000 and enough time to evacuate doesn't seem like an effective form of terrorism. Not that I want my terrorists to be effective, mind you. I'll just shut up now. Leo tells POTUS that the driver was some guy named Gary Vernon Clark, and that it looks like the accident was just an accident. The pacing here just seems off. Why tell us that the truck was stolen to increase dramatic tension, only to deflate it all seconds later? And who steals a big rig, anyway, other than a character in a summer action movie? And who would be so stupid as to steal a big rig and continue driving it two weeks later? POTUS mutters that the accident has turned into the most dangerous, unanticipated situation in the history of nuclear waste transportation. Well, the thing about the most dangerous situations is that they're generally unanticipated. Jed asks what the meeting Josh is running is about, but Leo tells him not to worry about it.
Josh is wandering around asking whether anybody has seen some other lost folder of his, regarding "southeast targets." I don't think bombing Ritchie's voting base is going to lead to victory, either. Donna pops in to give him the missing folder and to drag him back into her subplot. They pedeconference around as Donna explains that nothing special needs to be done in order for POTUS to issue a proclamation for Molly Marillo. Josh insists that POTUS can't just go around making declarations just because Donna would like them. Josh claims that they're reserved for truly important causes. Donna informs them that they're smack in the middle of "National Digestive Diseases Awareness Week." Well, if you had a digestive disease, you wouldn't be so quick to dismiss it, Donna. And last week they had "General Pulaski Memorial Day." Josh tells her they haven't vetted Molly Marillo yet. Donna asks if he's worried that Marillo is a lesbian. Josh jokes that if she were, they'd actually consider it. He's more worried that she has some skeleton in her closet. He tells Donna to do a Google search on her and then come talk to him. You know, I did that with my own name last year and about choked when the first match was a gay porn site. After hyperventilating for about an hour, I clicked over to discover that they had illegally posted some writing I had done for some gay press outlets for reasons that still elude me. I made them take it down, but wondered if that was why I never got an invitation to my high school's ten-year reunion. Not that I would have attended. ["Apparently if you do a search on the full name of our Jessica, the very first result is a dominatrix. Jessica claims it's not her, but...." -- Wing Chun]
We cut to VPOTUS's office, where Hoynes is just arriving to meet with Sam. Hoynes asks Sam about the hockey game. Sam says he didn't find it very enjoyable. Sorkin must have found some dialogue from Sports Night sitting around that he never had the chance to use, so Hoynes gives an amusing tirade about how Americans like to "savor" the tension in sports like baseball, but in hockey, things happen too quickly. He mimics an announcer: "LePetier passes to Huckenchuck, who skates past the blue line; Huckenchuck, of course was traded to Winnipeg for a case of Labatt's after sitting out last season -- oh my god, he scores!" I don't know. I'm not much of a sports fan, but I watched Olympic hockey, and there certainly was plenty of tension to savor on the ice. Whereas I've attended baseball games and was bored out of my skull. Now I'm glad Sars isn't editing this recap. Baseball sucks! Bwa ha ha ha! Anyway, they finally get down to business. Sam tells Hoynes the bad news about the Internet Challenge Fund, adding that he's there to help Hoynes save it. Hoynes rattles off statistics about the huge numbers of poor and minority people who don't have internet access, and wants to make some calls. Sam tells Hoynes that the problem is the committee's chairman. Hoynes attacked the chairman over an issue, and he bears a grudge. Hoynes points out that the administration asked him to attack the chairman. Sam is aware of this. Hoynes says that Sam's going to help Hoynes get this taken care of. Sam agrees.
Back in the conference room, the others are looking over a file about Fitzwallace. Larry or Ed points out that Fitzwallace could bring out the African-American vote in the South, and Ed or Larry points out that it puts some southern states back on the table. Larry and Ed are sitting to each other again and finishing each other's sentences! They must have made up between scenes. Toby asks whether anybody even knows if Fitzwallace is a Democrat. Ed or Larry points out that the Republicans wouldn't dare criticize Fitzwallace. Josh agrees that black turnout would explode for the election. C.J. observes that they're assuming it'll stay a two-man race. Josh asks who would get into the race this late. C.J. looks at Josh like he's an idiot. She really does. Then she looks at Toby, who explains to Josh that Hoynes could run as a third-party candidate. Josh thinks the idea would be ridiculous. He explains that Hoynes practically has corporate sponsorship (he calls him "The Tostitos Vice-president"), and finds it unlikely that he'd lead an independent movement. C.J. points out that Hoynes has a solid base of conservative Democrats and independents. Josh points out that Hoynes still couldn't win an election. C.J. points out that the problem is that Bartlet would lose, too, and Ritchie would take the presidency. Does that sound familiar? Except Ralph Nader pulled away most of the far-lefties from the Democrats, such as...uh...me. And don't go sending me hate mail saying that my vote cost Gore the election unless you're prepared for me to send you email back saying that your vote cost Nader the election. Josh points out that Hoynes is a pragmatist, and that if he ran as a third candidate, he'd be the craziest VPOTUS since Aaron Burr: "And Burr shot a guy." C.J. shrugs. Josh brings up Fitzwallace again as we fade into the commercials. I'm surprised nobody is expressing concern over the way the public might perceive a decision to change the VPOTUS so soon after they just fought a battle to convince everybody that despite the president's illness, he's fit enough for a second term. And also, the Republicans are going to see right through this, and though they might not criticize Fitzwallace, I'm sure they'd have no difficulties raking Bartlet and the administration across the coals for making such a transparent political decision.
When we return from commercials, Leo is explaining to Charlie what went wrong with his taxes. The problem was HR-1783, a special tax refund Charlie got last year. Charlie doesn't understand. Leo explains that the special rebate the government gave out last year is deducted from this year's taxes. Sound familiar? Charlie points out that it's not a rebate at all -- it's an advance. And could the government's timing be any dumber? They're going to give out a special rebate so that when it turns around to bite taxpayers in the ass, it's right at the start of an election cycle? And they must have gotten huge rebates in order to go from a $700 refund to a $400 debt. And also, it would have already been factored into the tax chart when Charlie looked up his figures, so he shouldn't have been surprised. Charlie asked why they called it a rebate when it was really an advance. Leo explains that they wanted people to spend the money, and that taxpayers might not have if they knew that it was coming out of year's taxes. He asks what Charlie did with the money; Charlie explains that he paid his Visa bill. Leo says that the administration would have rather he spent it on a nice dinner or a trip. I spent my "rebate" in Toronto, visiting with the lovely Television Without Pity folks. I guess I totally failed in my duty to help improve the American economy as well. ["Trust me, Canada needs your money more." -- Wing Chun] Leo amusingly holds out his hand as if Charlie would pay him directly right now. POTUS comes in to call Leo into his office. Leo tells Jed that Charlie spent his refund on his Visa bill. Jed: "A trip to Banana Republic would have killed you?" It would kill me to see Charlie wearing clothing from Banana Republic. POTUS pulls Leo into the Oval Office. Poor Charlie. I ended up owing money, too.
In the office, Leo explains to POTUS that they still don't know anything about the truck accident because it's still too hot in the tunnel. They don't know whether they should evacuate Elk Horn yet, and everybody in the area is trying to shift responsibility to Bartlet to decide. Bartlet jokes that they should hold information about the crash as ransom until Idaho agrees to give him their electoral votes. Leo's all, whatever, President Shecky. Jed asks about other shipments currently in transit. I thought we had dismissed terrorism, but I imagine that they're being extra secure. Doesn't sound like a bad idea. There's a train shipment of low-level waste in South Carolina that has been stopped. However, there's also a shipment of high-level materials on the road, originating from Rocky Flats, and they can't just pull the shipment over because it makes them even more vulnerable to an attack. But they have beefed up the transport's escort.
Back at the Veep meeting, Larry or Ed points out that nobody knew Eisenhower's party until he ran. Ed or Larry brings up Ulysses S. Grant as having only voted once in his lifetime for somebody from the other party. C.J. says that Grant can be used as an example of just about anything. Leo joins the meeting, finally, causing Josh to suggest that they consider Leo to replace Hoynes. Leo thinks it's absurd. They all bicker about it and whether or not Josh just wants Leo's parking space. C.J. points out that it could be a good idea to consider Leo, if it weren't for Leo's past problems with alcohol and Valium. But then she points out Grant as an example of a leader who was a boozer. And also, Congress is just full of boozers, and nobody really seems to care much. That's my little addition to the debate. Leo asks them if they think an alcoholic couldn't be vice-president, or that there hasn't been an alcoholic already in that position during the twentieth century. He tells them he'll be around and leaves the gathering. Everybody looks like they realize they might have been just a bit insensitive to Leo.
Leo heads to his office, stopping to check his messages with Margaret. Josh comes after him to tell him that nobody really meant anything nasty about Leo in the discussion. Leo dismissively tells him that he wasn't bothered at all. They head into Leo's office and chat about Elk Horn. They're still considering whether to evacuate. Nothing here is particularly compelling or new, so I'll breeze over it. They're both worried about widespread panic if they have to evacuate the town. Josh just kind of stands there as Leo sits at his desk. Leo: "Anything else?" Josh: "I don't want to go back to my meeting." Leo: "Well, you're not staying here." Heh. Josh heads back. Leo looks thoughtful.
Sam and Hoynes are trying to hammer out a compromise of some sort in order to save the fund to help the rural poor find porn and play Scrabble online. Hoynes suggests actually beefing up the bill so that everybody gets more money, but Sam points out that both sides are currently in "deficit hawk" mode. Hoynes throws out some more suggestions and asks what the committee wants. Sam finally tells Hoynes that they want his name off the bill. Sam explains that they love the bill because it would give them good press in an election year, and that it would pass unanimously from committee if Hoynes took his name off. Hoynes says, "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?" No, wait, that was me. How long did Sam let Hoynes blather on before telling him what they wanted? Hoynes says, "I like what Daniel Webster said when the Whig Party offered him vice-president: 'I do not propose to be buried, until I am dead.' I used to be every Republican's favorite Democrat." Could you readers do me a favor? When you get a chance, go into your kitchen and pull out any old, yucky food you had planned to throw away. Instead, pack the food into a cardboard box, address it to NBC's promo department, and bring it to your local post office to ship off. Actually, don't. They'll probably accuse it of being some sort of terrorist attack. Just try to visualize in your head hundreds of boxes of rotting food showing up at these idiots' offices. Feels so good. Anyway, Hoynes runs his fingers through his hair in exasperation, sits down, and tells Sam to take his name off the bill, saving the funding to give rural folks access to the internet. Now you know why you're always getting emails from those horny farm-girls.
Elsewhere, Toby comes out to ask Ginger where the HUD Secretary is. Ginger just casually tells him that the Secretary's scheduler called her back and said that he can't meet with Toby until tomorrow afternoon. Has she forgotten that this is Toby she's dealing with? Ginger's just a bit slow this evening. I wonder why. Toby orders her to get in touch with the Secretary again and tell him to be in Toby's office in thirty minutes to discuss moving his noon announcement tomorrow to the White House briefing room, "because [they] have more TV cameras." Ginger is confused by that last part. Toby goes on to explain that the HUD Secretary is a big camera whore and that should bring him running.
Josh stops by in his office to find Donna there at his desk. She tells him that Mrs. Marillo checks out fine. She repeats the names of some other silly proclamations presidents have made and continues to mock General Pulaski Day. Josh tells her that, yes, he's sure Mrs. Marillo is a lovely, wonderful teacher, but she's no more worthy than the other schoolteachers retiring this year. Donna points out that they don't have former students working at the White House. Josh points out that it's those types of situations that get them into trouble. Donna finally concedes that Josh is right, but she looks disappointed.
Josh heads off and encounters Sam, who is returning from his meeting with Hoynes. Sam tells Josh that Hoynes agreed to take his name off the bill. Josh tells Sam that their meeting is almost done. Sam asks if Josh will tell him what the meeting is about now. Josh finally tells Sam that they're discussing possibly replacing Hoynes. Sam is shocked. Josh explains the details about electoral math. Sam asks if he was "sent away" to deal with Hoynes while they discussed this without him. Josh insists that he wasn't. I'm trying to recall a reason why they would be on eggshells around Sam regarding Hoynes and can't think of anything, so I guess not. Sam asks if they are actually discussing names. Josh says, "Fitzwallace, Leo, and Ulysses S. Grant." Before Sam goes into the meeting, he feels the need to tell Josh that he didn't have to fight with Hoynes about taking his name off the bill. Once he found out it was what the committee wanted, Hoynes agreed to it.
Leo is sitting at the desk, talking on the phone. Margaret comes in to tell him that VPOTUS has arrived. He asks her to send Hoynes in, and tell her that she can go home. She says, "I go home when you go home." Aww. She waves Hoynes in and leaves the two of them alone in the office. Leo thanks Hoynes for being amenable to the committee to get the internet bill passed. Hoynes is disappointed that, now that he's taken his name off, they can't campaign on it. Sure, they could. The original drafts of the bill would still have Hoynes's name on it, and I'm sure his name was mentioned in relation to any media coverage of it over the past five years. The Republicans couldn't respond by accusing him of lying or anything. Leo invites Hoynes to take a seat so that he can get to the real reason why he's called him in. "I'm in a bind," Leo begins, "and I think you know what it is." Hoynes pleads ignorance. Leo explains that he has made his oath to maintain the anonymity of the AA meetings, but says that he has "a responsibility to the president, and in fact, to the country." Hoynes is still lost. Leo tells Hoynes that he has to tell the president that Hoynes is an alcoholic. Hoynes is shocked, but not for the expected reasons: "Are you telling me he doesn't know?" Leo: "How would he know?" Hoynes: "You didn't tell him?" Leo: "Of course, I didn't tell him." Hoynes is just stunned. He had always assumed that Leo had told POTUS. You can practically see Hoynes thinking back to exchanges where Bartlet offered him a drink or whatever and assuming that Jed was being a prick. Hoynes tells Leo that they should go "see the boss" immediately. Leo nods in agreement.
When we return from commercials, Ginger interrupts Toby from the meeting because the HUD Secretary, Bill Fisher, has finally arrived. Toby heads to his office to find a man who looks a lot like Bill Bradley waiting for him. Toby makes some harmless chitchat with Fisher in order to make him feel comfortable before the upcoming smackdown. Toby asks Fisher whether he has announced that he's running for governor of New Jersey yet. Fisher says that's not for another three years. Toby wants to know why, then, Toby's never heard of this home-loans proposal. He sarcastically says, "I'm assuming it's a campaign proposal. Camden and Newark will go nuts, but it's not a national program," Fisher tries to interrupt, but Toby steamrolls him: "Know how I know? 'Cause national programs are announced by the president of the United States, unless this White House passes on them first." Fisher tries to calm Toby down by telling him it's just a small program. Toby continues to rant that it's not Fisher's call to make. Fisher tells Toby that POTUS asked him to join the Cabinet and hold back on his political career for four years with the understanding that he would get their help when he ran for office. Toby points out that Fisher must not want POTUS's help, because he's too busy helping himself. Fisher says he doubts that his announcement will even make it into the papers' Metro sections. Toby continues the slapdown: "There is one name on the ballot this November, Bill. Not yours, not mine, not the governor of New Jersey." Oh, and all those senators and representatives who come up for re-election, too, but I guess that's not relevant to this rant. Toby continues: "And believe me, no one will work harder than Jed Bartlet to put you there. But if this president loses re-election, your career is finished, and so is mine." Hyperbolic, much? John Ashcroft lost re-election as senator to a dead man and look at him now. But I suppose political twists like that cause some excessive Dadaism we can't get into here. Fisher asks Toby what he wants. Toby tells him that the time Fisher announces new policy without the approval of the White House, they're going to announce that he's going back to New Jersey. C.J. will announce the home-loan program from the podium in the briefing room tomorrow. Fisher begs Toby to let Fisher announce it with the president. Toby lays on a final smackdown: "It's too small for the president." Toby leaves him in the office to get back to the Hoynes meeting.
Charlie is at his desk, filling out a check to pay off his tax debt, while Jed looks over his shoulder. Jed explains that they were hoping to inject some more money into retail and tourism. Charlie: "Why didn't you just wait until people were supposed to have the money?" Jed: "The economy might have improved on its own by then." Charlie: "In which case, the whole thing would have been pointless in the first place." Jed: "Yeah." Charlie: "Economists just make it up as they go along, don't they?" Jed: "Yeah." Jed admits that the plan didn't work so much. Most people, like Charlie, used it to pay down debt. Charlie shows his check to POTUS for approval -- is Jed going to go around making sure everybody pays their taxes properly? -- and stuffs it in an envelope. Jed turns into President Softie and tells Charlie that he was surprised to find out how much money Charlie donates to charity, given his salary, and admits that perhaps the money is better off in Charlie's hands. But, we've established in episodes that Democrats aren't so big on that system. Jed tells Charlie that when he gets home he's going to find the DVD player Charlie was planning to buy, along with his "wimp-ass" James Bond film, as well as Yeomen of the Guard. Did he have the Secret Service guys break into Charlie's house? I hope they didn't leave it on his doorstep. Charlie tells him that was an "incredibly nice gesture."
Leo comes in, with Hoynes in tow, to speak with Bartlet privately in his office. He invites them in, telling Charlie as he leaves to get some woman on the phone because "[he's] feeling magical tonight." Jed briefs them all on the anti-climax that is the fuel rod subplot. There weren't any leaks, and everything's under control. He gives a lengthy explanation of how many tests the fuel rod containers are subjected to, because somebody over there in Sorkinland did an awful lot of research on the matter and they'll be damned if they're not going to work it into the script.
Finally, Jed sits down and asks what they need. Leo explains that there's something important they need to talk about. Leo starts explaining that it's a surprising and delicate issue and that he wants to make sure that Jed's response is "measured" -- and then Hoynes just blurts, "I'm a recovering alcoholic." Leo looks at Hoynes in horror, but Bartlet doesn't seem particularly fazed. After making an ill-advised crack asking whether anybody isn't an alcoholic these days -- way to be dismissive, POTUS -- he asks Hoynes how long this has been going on. Hoynes tells him that he had his last drink when he was twenty-two. I'm picturing some sort of Drew Barrymore thing where he started drinking when he was twelve. POTUS is shocked that Hoynes could determine that he was an alcoholic by that point, stating that Jed himself didn't even start drinking until he was twenty-five. What? Why? Nerd. Anyway, Hoynes explains that there's a history of alcoholism in his family. Bartlet tells Hoynes he ought to team up with James Bond. I swear to god, half of everything that came out of Bartlet's mouth this episode was a complete non-sequitur. Bartlet repeats the whole weak martini story, then asks Leo what the big meeting is about. A concerned Leo tells POTUS that they'll talk about it later. But Hoynes isn't as oblivious as Jed is today; he tells him that they're all discussing replacing him as VPOTUS on the ticket. Leo is surprised. Hoynes simply responds, "I know how to count to 270." Leo assures Hoynes that it's not anything serious as yet; if it were, they would have told him. Hoynes is practical about it, and repeats the problem about losing Texas and Florida and says they should consider replacing him. Bartlet interrupts the discussion to ask about the internet bill, and to point out that Hoynes has taken his name off it. Hoynes responds simply that he thought it was more important to have the bill passed than to have his name on it. Jed points out that he can't campaign on it now, and I've already said my piece about that. Jed says, "If somebody's attacking us, you know what to do." Hoynes: "Go to Leo." Jed: "But don't discount the possibility that it might be Leo." I'm just lost now. Jed's so far all over the map that I'm not even sure which subplot he's talking about. Does he mean the internet bill, or is he telling Hoynes that the administration has his back if he reveals his alcoholism? Jed goes back to his desk and says to Hoynes, "Despite this recent revelation that you drank beer in college, I've always liked you more than you thought I did. But that's not why you're staying." He writes something down on a sheet of paper and hands it to Hoynes. President Melodrama explains that those four words are the reason Hoynes will stay on the ticket. Hoynes reads them to himself, then shows them to Leo. They don't tell us what it says. Maybe "Free Tostitos for everyone!" or "You're my whipping boy!" or "I really like otters!" Hoynes responds, "I've always liked you more than you thought I did, too, Mr. President." Leo and Hoynes thank POTUS for their time and leave.
After Leo and Hoynes leave, POTUS calls Charlie in for the contestant on Win President Bartlet's Approval. Charlie escorts Donna in. First, Donna has to survive the trivia round. Bartlet tells Donna to explain to Josh that General Pulaski was a Polish general who fought the Russians and Prussians, then came to the colonies to command the U.S. Cavalry during the American Revolution. Donna promises to do so, and turns to leave, thinking that's the only reason why he called her in. Well, he is that weird. But it turns out that's not all. POTUS explains that Josh put together a memo about Molly Marillo, detailing that she used to have her students come over to her house on weekends during the '60s to read Twelfth Night, because the play had been banned by the superintendent for unknown reasons. He probably thought it encouraged too much freethinking and had veiled references opposing the Vietnam War. ["Some posters have mentioned on the forums that it was banned due to its portrayal of cross-dressing and technical homosexuality. The main thread of the play involves a young woman, Viola, who dresses as a boy; another character, Olivia, not knowing Viola is a woman in drag, falls in love with her. But, you know, it's a comedy, so everyone is unmasked by the end and it's hardly immoral or subversive. Anyway." -- Wing Chun] Donna is shocked that Josh wrote a memo for her. When did he find the time to do the research? I guess he didn't go back to the meeting after all. Jed further reads that Mrs. Marillo also came in two hours early to teach an AP English course that she developed herself because the school didn't offer it. If the school didn't offer the course officially, then did the students get college credit for the class, and if not, what's the point of that? Donna says that she was in one of those classes. Jed tells Donna that Mrs. Marillo sounds like a woman deserving of a presidential proclamation, but lets her down that he can't because it's too much like "inside baseball." Donna is very polite and understanding about it all.
Jed then shouts over to Charlie by the door that Jed has been tapping his finger on his desk for over a minute now. Charlie looks worried that Jed truly has gone over the edge now. Jed explains that he had been trying to give Charlie a cue to give Jed a cue that there was a call. Maybe Jed should stop trying to be so damned clever all the time. Anyway, Jed answers a line on the speakerphone and asks for whom the person is holding. Of course, it's Molly Marillo, holding to speak to Donna. She has no idea that she was just talking to POTUS. Donna rushes over to talk to her. They chat. Mrs. Marillo hasn't heard from Donna in years. Donna had heard that Mrs. Marillo was retiring at the end of the year. Donna says she wanted to tell her...something...but she stumbles over the words and can't spit it out. Jed whispers at her to tell Mrs. Marillo where she is. Donna blurts out, "I'm in the Oval Office with the president of the United States, and it's because of you." There's a long pause. Maybe Mrs. Marillo thinks Donna's actually a nut case calling from an asylum. "What a thing to say!" Mrs. Marillo finally responds. "We're all so proud of you!" Jed, of course, has to horn in and introduce himself to ask some questions. "When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English, or did you use a translation?" Mrs. Marillo responds, "Actually, it was originally in Old English, you poor, pretentious excuse for an 'education president.' And I'm not voting for you again because now I have to pay $1,000 in taxes because of your 'rebate' that turned out to be a great, big lie." Okay, she doesn't, but only because she probably thinks it's bad manners to correct the president. She explains that she uses a translation. Bartlet calls that the "James Bond version," which seems appropriate given that he's wrong in both cases. He asks her what she's going to do with her retirement. She explains that she's going to travel with her husband. He encourages her to stay away from Elk Horn for a little while, and settles down for a chat about Twelfth Night.
We cut back to the meeting, where Hoynes has just revealed to the rest of the staff that he's an alcoholic. C.J. jokes that Grant would have slapped Hoynes's face for giving up booze at twenty-two. Hoynes jokes that Grant actually did, once. Josh worries what might happen if Hoynes's alcoholism becomes public knowledge, given that they're still dealing with the "truth issue" regarding the president's MS. Leo says that's something they'll need to discuss further, but tells them that POTUS has vetoed any plan to replace Hoynes. He pulls out the piece of paper explaining why and passes it to Josh. Josh reads it aloud: "Because I could die." Aww. If Bartlet dies, he wants to leave the country to Hoynes. Hoynes admits that none of this solves the electoral votes problem. He suggests that things might shake up a bit after Labor Day, but until then, it's going to be tough. He tells them that they may think Ritchie's a punch line of a candidate, but he disagrees. Hoynes thinks Republicans have picked the perfect candidate to run against them. Sam says, "Am I really the only one thinks that a giant sumo wrestler in a hockey goal might get the job done?" Wha? Josh says, "I don't know. I'm open to new ideas." Well, maybe they're going to have Hoynes gain five hundred pounds and then go sit on Ritchie.
And we're in reruns for the few weeks. Deborah will be back when the show returns, but if you can't wait, catch her writing the new recaps of Trading Spaces she'll be doing along with the lovely Kim.