By Deborah
Shout-outs to jlt and ML.
Well, it's the morning after the night before (not literally, although I thought so until the third or fourth quarter of the episode) and Bartlet sure is full of himself. I mean, even more than usual. He's walking along the portico into his office as C.J. quizzes him on how to respond to questions from the press. Leo's there, too, as are Charlie and various other assistants and flunkies. C.J. asks, "'Mr. President, how do you interpret the margin of victory?'" Jed replies, "Well, it looks like the American people are slightly nervous about having an actual scarecrow in office, and they'd rather gamble on four more years of me." No, he says that it's clear that the will of the people is for him to have and do anything he wants. She asks him what his legislative priority will be. Jed: "Well the President of Turkmenistan just officially extended the date of adolescence to twenty-five. So, things like that." Leo: "I think he also renamed the month of January after himself." So it's some variation on Saparmurat Niyazov? They're in the Oval Office now. Jed: "That's just greedy. Real power is knowing when to leave a little something on the table." Martin Sheen is...I don't know, weird somehow in this episode. Like he's playing himself playing Bartlet, or like it's an early first-season episode where the actors were still feeling out their characters, or something. And he sounds extra glib and pompous and arrogant at times in this one. Well, the whole episode is off, so just get used to it. C.J. presses the question, and Jed says, "Patients' Bill of Rights, prescription drugs, keeping the economy growing, find a surplus again, keep the surplus growing, use the surplus to build schools worthy of defending the military that Fitz and Hutchinson are gonna build to fight urban wars then pay the teachers some money..." Jed's zooming around the room looking in every drawer for something. A better script? Seriously, what the hell is everything after "use the surplus..." supposed to mean? I asked about this in the forums, and one imaginative soul (thanks, ML) suggested that what was meant was this: "[My priorities are to] use the surplus to build schools worthy of defending, [use the surplus on] the military that Fitz and Hutchinson are gonna build, [use the surplus] to fight urban wars, [and to] pay the teachers some [real] money." But for some reason, the line is delivered without any punctuation and just comes out sounding like gobbledegook.
Jed finally walks out into the secretarial area, C.J. on his heels complaining that she asked for one priority. Jed says, "It's a big country, Arnold," referring to the name of the reporter she's pretending to be. He bellows, "Debbie! Where the hell, first of all, are you, and where are my..." She comes zooming in off the portico, swaddled in a big red wrap, holding his glasses and saying he left them in the mansion. She hands them to him and admonishes him, "The Ipswich clams in Chesapeake Bay can hear you bellowing right now." Jed puts on his hoitiest, toitiest tone and declares, "Ipswich clams don't come from Chesapeake Bay, they come from Ipswich!" Debbie: "Not anymore." Jed wanders out into the hall, saying, "Have her beheaded for my birthday!" My God, it must be exhausting to work around someone like this. ["At least we know she's medicated." -- Wing Chun]
Jed finally walks out into the secretarial area, C.J. on his heels complaining that she asked for one priority. Jed says, "It's a big country, Arnold," referring to the name of the reporter she's pretending to be. He bellows, "Debbie! Where the hell, first of all, are you, and where are my..." She comes zooming in off the portico, swaddled in a big red wrap, holding his glasses and saying he left them in the mansion. She hands them to him and admonishes him, "The Ipswich clams in Chesapeake Bay can hear you bellowing right now." Jed puts on his hoitiest, toitiest tone and declares, "Ipswich clams don't come from Chesapeake Bay, they come from Ipswich!" Debbie: "Not anymore." Jed wanders out into the hall, saying, "Have her beheaded for my birthday!" My God, it must be exhausting to work around someone like this. ["At least we know she's medicated." -- Wing Chun]
Jed runs into Toby in the hall, and they greet each other. Toby says he'll be asked how he feels about housing starts going down. Jed says he doesn't care, as long as he keeps this one. C.J. calls out, "'Sir, GDP growth is strong...'" Jed: "You bet your ass it is. Which, by the way, I can pat anytime I want now." I'm loving how obnoxious this is! Except for the part, where, you know, I'm totally not. And to think I passed over the 2002 Victoria's Secret Cavalcade of Boobs and Asses for this. Well, come to think of it, there's probably almost as much boobery and assery per minute in this show. These ones are full of hot air instead of silicone, though. Jed lectures the mass of staff which has accreted to him as he keeps zooming through the hallways: "The voters have spoken. Lowest inflation in twenty years. Housing starts are cyclical, which is the thing." He asks Leo what he's got. Leo says there's going to be a lot of flooding in Missouri. Jed asks if FEMA's on the ground. FEMA is. Leo adds that he's got the Swiss Ambassador in his office but doesn't know why. He stops Jed and says, "Sir, you and I enjoy your funny jokes, but Idaho, you know, not so much." He asks Jed to take it easy with the press. Jed: "I know my people." Leo: "Yeah, sometimes it's hard to believe I'm one of them. Good luck." Jed thanks him and enters the Briefing Room. Everybody stands, and cameras flash like crazy.
Leo returns to his office, flanked by Charlie, who goes off his separate way. Aw, are you disappointed that Charlie never gets much in the way of dialogue or storylines? Just you wait. There's some exciting fish-related dialogue later. Margaret hands Leo a note and reminds him that the guy in his office is Ambassador von Rutte.
Leo enters his office, where von Rutte thanks Leo for seeing him without an appointment. He explains that there's been a message from Tehran: "The Ayatollah's son has a congenital heart condition: Eisenmenger's Syndrome. His best chance is a simultaneous heart and lung transplant." Which Ayatollah? There's more than one. I don't know if we're pretending Khomeini's still alive, or whether the current Iranian Chief of State, Ayatollah Khamenei, is standing in for him, or what. ["Maybe it's Ayatollah Pantsmorgan of Qumar." -- Wing Chun] Leo wonders if the Ayatollah asked Japan. It turns out the procedure has only ever successfully been done by Americans, and Japan's the only other country that's even tried to do it. Leo: "Coming close doesn't matter on this. It's not the Gemini missions. I'm gonna talk to the President, Chris, but if it means bumping an American off the donor lists..." Wait, he's "Chris" all of a sudden? Didn't Margaret just have to tell him ninety seconds ago that he was Ambassador von Rutte? Also, isn't like, every third guy on this show named Chris? Didn't we just have Chris Whitaker last week? Isn't Josh's ex-roommate/Amy's ex-boyfriend named Chris? Isn't there a reporter named Chris? And let's not forget Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach. No doubt I've missed some. Just for the record, here are some other men's names a writer could use: Adrian. Basil. Carlos. Dolph. Ezekiel. Fritz. Griffin. Hoyt. Ignatius. Joel. Kiefer. Liam. Maynard. Nigel. Ozzy. Parsifal. Quinn. Ragnarok. Salvador. Thor. Ulysses. Vern. Waldo. Xerxes. Yves. Zoltan. Sorry, got carried away there. Just some suggestions. Anyway, Chris says that Iran has a donor. Leo: "A donor or a dissenter?" Ho ho. Chris says, "This is from Doctors Without Borders." An excellent organization, one which I support, but I'm not sure this sort of thing actually falls within its mandate. Leo: "It wasn't directly from the Ayatollah?" Chris says that DWB/MSF was approached by the Ayatollah's brother-in-law. Leo: "This is coming through you, through an NGO, through the brother-in-law? Guy's gonna put his son's life in the hands of the infidels but he'll keep his distance, huh?" Oh, I love the "infidel" thing. Can never get enough of that. Chris replies, "The hardliners control the Majlis. Things are difficult for him with the Shehab missile tests. He cannot have a problem with his right flank." Leo: "Yeah, much better we should have a problem with ours." Leo says he'll talk to POTUS. Leo looks at the monitor, where POTUS is holding court with the press, and turns up the sound. Jed's jovially saying, "Don't get me wrong, Mark, I think January's a good month..." Leo turns the sound off again and says, "Yeah, the President, Generalissimo, whatever he comes back as." Credits. Dude, he's the Grand Poobah of the Greatest Superpower Ever.
Josh comes into his office, followed by Donna, who's wearing an argyle-patterned turtleneck sweater in shades of dark grey, light grey, and pale pink. Her hair is swept up in an artfully casual way. Apparently, some folks hated this sweater, but it didn't bother me. Josh asks for messages. There's one from AP and one from Judy Vanderbass, the wife of the U.S. Ambassador to Vietnam. Donna says that Josh has been to her house for dinner. Josh: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I ate a Springer Spaniel." Oh, hardy HAR! A joke about Asians eating dogs. Because eating cows and pigs instead is so morally superior. Man, those disgusting slanty-eyed bastards will eat anything. Toby appears at the door, and Josh acknowledges him with a chin gesture. He asks why AP is on his phone sheet. Toby says it's because Triplehorn told them that Josh is the reason there won't be a deal on prescription drugs. Josh: "I'm the reason?" Toby reads, "'With Lyman negotiating...'" Josh slams something down on his desk and says he's starting to feel ill will toward the minority leader. Toby: "And I've had it up to here with the Welsh." Must have been his traumatic sperm donation experiences. Josh isn't kidding: "He was campaigning with us, like, a half-hour ago." Toby says school's back, and Josh should go see him. Josh wants Toby to go see him. Toby has to deal with Karen Croft. Josh, grabbing his jacket: "And National Parks screw me up again." Josh tells Donna as he walks out that he's going to the Leader's office, and asks her to get him the first three minutes she can. Donna reminds him about Judy Vanderbass. Josh suggests that Donna find out what her problem is, solve it, and then do something else. Donna: "You're the reason there are term limits." Josh tries to think of something snarky to say back to her, but fails. Weak.
Toby walks over to his office and gestures Karen Croft (Lucinda Jenney, a definite HITG!) into his office. Jenney and Richard Schiff were both in Grace of My Heart, for those of you playing Six Degrees at home, though I can't remember if they had any scenes together. Good film, by the way. Toby asks Karen how she is. She insists she's fine. She sits down saying, "The view from the canvas, it's...educational, you know?" It takes me a moment, but I get the sports reference. I wonder what it's like to see the entire world through the lens of sports and sports metaphors. I'm one of those people who doesn't even like it when things like politics or international affairs are referred to as "games." Toby: "Yeah, I've had extensive education." She sighs. It turns out she lost by 127 votes. Ouch. She says, "that's about twelve lawn signs." Toby: "Wasn't your last election also..." Karen: "Eighty-two votes." Toby: "The President says all you need is one; the rest are for ego." He sits down to her. Karen: "Uh huh. And how many did the President win by?" Toby says it was about three and a half million: "He's got a pretty healthy ego, though." I'll say. Karen: "I don't know, maybe the job wasn't for me. I like land, I like dirt...I like things that live on land...and dirt." Toby: "I like hotels. I like a good concierge." Karen: "Could you be a little more sympathetic? I'm a loser." Toby: "Not a big one." She says okay. Toby tells her POTUS thinks there's a place for her. She says, "That's nice of you guys. It really is." She says it in a way that sounds more sarcastic than I think she means it. Turns out she was thinking of trying for a job with the National Parks Service. Toby laughs softly and says they were thinking the same thing. She wants to know what the job is. He says, "The Director of the National Parks Service." She laughs in a way that seems somewhat snide and says, "Are you kidding me?" Toby's acting sort of coy and flirtatious. He says he's not kidding. She asks, "Is this just because..." Toby: "Do you want it?" She says she does. He tells to get herself a big hat, and says Leo will call her. He walks out, leaving her in his office staring after him.
Carol and C.J. are pedeconferencing about the press briefing when Toby comes up and says, "All's well that ends well." C.J. figures out he's talking about Karen Croft as National Parks Chairman. C.J. mentions that she thinks Andi's going to get sued for election fraud. Toby says Andi was trying to get sued. C.J.: "Really?" Toby: "Yeah, she's a pistol." He splits, and C.J. and Carol keep going.
C.J. announces the names of the first three reporters who are having tea with the President at 3. They couldn't care less; they all want to know who's running Sam's campaign. She says he's putting his team together, and she'll be starting to refer those questions to the campaign's press office.
In California, Sam is approached by reporters as he and Will and Elsie leave the Orange County Municipal Building. One asks him how it feels to have the nomination. Sam says, "There is no nomination. There's a primary, and if someone gets 50% of the vote, there's no general." A reporter points out no other Democrats are running, and the party's endorsing Sam. The reporter gets Sam to agree that he's the nominee. Another reporter asks whether he's filled the key positions on his staff yet. Sam refers them to Will, who says the Campaign Manager is Scott Holcomb, Finance Manager is Betsy Wadkins, and Communications Director is Mark Stern. Sam interrupts Will and asks to speak to him for a second. Will agrees, adding to the reporters that Tom Baker is the Political Director, and the Volunteer Coordinator is Paula Montgomery.
Sam and Will walk a reasonable distance away. Elsie follows. Sam isn't too jazzed to hear that Scott is his campaign manager: "What's your title?" Will: "Citizen Bailey." Sam: "I'm not kidding." Will: "I'm the Chancellor of Germany." Sam's really not in the mood to fool around. I guess he just assumed Will would be at his side. I guess no one's told him Will's going to have to go to the White House and replace him. He's the new Robin to Toby's Batman! Robin II! Or something. Sam wants to know what's going on. As does Elsie, who keeps chirping away at his side. I'm sorry, I didn't think that much of Danica McKellar on The Wonder Years; I thought she got by on her looks and her youth. She's still got looks, but she's really out of her league acting-wise here. Speaking of looks, Rob Lowe looks very cute in this scene -- enough for me to overlook the hair. Will gives Elsie a look and says they already had this conversation for two hours yesterday: "What do you think you're doing?" She doesn't think Will should go. Will says she made that clear yesterday. She simpers, "And I'm doing this now." Will tells Sam there are too many chiefs around here. Sam says he'll get rid of some of them. Will insists they're the best and Sam wants them. Elsie: "He doesn't want the best. He wants you." McKellar cannot do Sorkinese. Or even writers aping Sorkinese. She's too childish and not dry enough. Please, a one-way ticket to Mandyville (is there any other kind?) for Elsie. Will says, "The Republicans are starting their starters, so you gotta match up." Sam says they match up fine, and that Will got him into this. Will: "Well, you got you into this. But I owe you the best possible chance to win, and I owe that to Mr. Wilde." Elsie: "That's ridiculous. Tell him that's ridiculous." Will says he took on this race to show the DNC that no district should be ignored. Sam asks what Will's going to do. Will says he's going to stick around for a week, help out, and thank some people. Then he's going to take a vacation. He's going to need to rest up before he goes to Washington replace Sam. Sam: "Where?" He says it in a weird tone of voice, like he can't imagine where on earth would be a better place to be than running another campaign in Newport Beach right after a very tense and exhausting one. Will says, "France, Italy...Wales...maybe EPCOT." Sam gives up and says he's got to go back to Washington. I'm thinking if Sorkin wrote this one, Sam would have had something pithier to say here, but whatever. Sam walks to his rental car as Will and Elsie wish him a good trip. Elsie turns to Will: "EPCOT?" Will says he was kidding. Elsie snipes, "Ah. Didn't know." She tears off in annoyance.
POTUS is at his desk writing stuff. Charlie comes in and sits to the desk. "Sir?" Jed: "Yeah? It's called penmanship, Watson. Something your generation wouldn't know about because of the computers. How many of these things am I doing?" Charlie says sixty. Jed wants to know how many he's done. Charlie says three. Jed's surprised. Charlie: "This is what I'm talking about." Jed complains that Charlie's system is slowing him down. Charlie says he doesn't have a system. Jed: "You're kidding!" I can't tell if he's being sarcastic or is actually surprised. Leo wanders in from the portico and asks if Jed's ready. Jed wants to know if they could have colour coding and priority lists and stickers and so forth: "Can I get a little bureaucracy going here?" I thought he wasn't a big fan of the colour coding. Leo asks what he's doing. Jed says he's doing what the President does: asks people for things, then thanks them for things. Jed gets up and tells Charlie to take the calls to the Mansion, and he'll meet him there after this.
Jed and Leo head down to the Sit Room. On the way, Jed tells a yarn about the cats his kids had when they were younger: Mr. Finch and Mrs. Wilberforce. Or something; he can't remember. Leo says he never really liked human names for animals. Jed: "Really? Well, I can't believe my kids didn't think to ask you what to name the cats. But they used to bring mice into the house and show 'em to me." Who, the kids or the cats? Jed says this is how he's starting to feel about the Swiss. Leo just humours him, as he does with all of Jed's anecdotes and yarns.
Leo and Jed have arrived in the Sit Room. Jed says, "Tell me about the boy." A guy in a suit says, "He and a guardian have crossed the border into Kandahar. A U.N. cargo plane is on the ground." The suit to him says, "It's gonna leave at 11:45 Zulu if you say okay." Jed checks his watch and points out that's eleven minutes away: "This meeting's a little premature, isn't it? We should wait ten minutes." Then he announces, "This meeting doesn't go in the Sit Room anymore, okay? I don't know why the hell it's here. This isn't a military operation." Leo -- ever Jed's coach in affairs foreign and domestic, military, and political -- quietly says, "It's a secure room." Jed asks, in this really arch tone: "My office is a secure room, too, isn't it? Please, somebody tell me it is or I gotta go pack some stuff." I don't know who or what is inhabiting Martin Sheen's body but I don't really care for it. Can we get Mulder in here?
Leo asks the woman to him -- who is sort of Mary Kay Place-ish -- about the organs. She says they're in Zurich. Bartlet cackles, and says, "I'm sorry, that sounded funny to me. I'm the kid in Bio who laughed all the time." If these various outbursts are not meant to be manifestations of the inappropriate humour that can sometimes characterize MS, then I really don't get why they're writing his role this way. I'm just glad he's not the guy in charge of trying to keep a nuclear bomb from being detonated in Los Angeles. ["Eh, L.A.'s not that great anyway." -- Wing Chun] Mary Kay just soldiers on, saying, "Then onto Paris on Swissair." Jed: "Coach?" Leo glares. Mary Kay smiles gamely: "I don't..." Man, this is sad. Leo: "Then onto New York?" She says yes. Leo: "So the heart and lungs get here first." She says they can last about forty hours; the flight from Tehran's about fifteen. Wait, I thought the kid was already in Kandahar. Also, a quick search of Google suggests that hearts and lungs can only last a few hours outside the body and must be transplanted immediately. And seriously, what if Swissair accidentally ships them to Reyjavik, like airlines are all too wont to do? Then everybody's really screwed. Wait, didn't Swissair go out of business? Oh, never mind. If I keep trying to sort this out we'll never get through it.
The guy on Mary Kay's left says they just need to line up a doctor and funding. Good grief. They're going to do that in the ten minutes? Leo: "Go around the room." The guy to the first suit -- who's wearing a military uniform; both he and First Suit appear to be of Southeast Asian or Middle Eastern origin -- says, "If it leaks, you've got the clerics." Leo: "But it sends a message to the reformists." First Suit says, "Thank you. At a time when they're breaking 70% in local elections." Military Uniform counters, "If you're looking for ways to temper support to the Shi'ites, I don't recommend..." First Suit: "A benevolent power must make sure..." Military Uniform: "Please, this is not the time." Everyone else just listens uncomfortably to their bickering. Second Suit says, "Let's not forget about the Shehab program and whatshisname and the transport corridors along the Silk Route." Jed: "How old is he?" Second Suit: "I'm sorry?" Jed wants to know how old the Ayatollah's son is. He's fifteen. Jed tells Military Uniform: "The Shi'ites, Lanny. That's what you want me to take back to my thoracic-surgeon wife?" Because it's all about Jed's personal life, and whether he's going to get any, I guess. Jed lays down the law: "Get this boy in Pre-Op. Somebody tell the Swiss to stop standing in the damn doorway with a mouse in their mouth." Thanks for loading me up with that image. Jed stands up, saying, "If they're coming in, come in." First Suit says Jed won't regret it: "It won't leak." Jed: "No, 'cause we're all in a secure room except for the Ayatollah's staff, a Swissair pilot, and four hundred other people." Seriously. How can they possibly expect to keep this quiet? Leo asks Second Suit: "Lanny, is this gonna leak?" Lanny replies, "Well..." Leo: "I feel better already." Jed strides out with Leo, saying, "Mr. Finch and Mrs. Wilberforce. There's nothing wrong with my memory. Though those are stupid names, and there's something wrong with my kids." Like the fact that they've obviously been abducted by aliens and replaced with body doubles for occasional scenes on this show? Again, can we get Mulder in here?
Josh is loitering in a magnificent high-ceilinged hallway, waiting for Triplehorn (played by Geoffrey Pierson, best known to me as Grace Kelly's good-for-not-much ex-husband on Grace Under Fire). He looks pretty good here. He's got a bit of a Paul Newman-ish vibe. Triplehorn comes out and they start walking. I half-expect Josh to wipe out on the shiny floor, like he did in "The Stackhouse Filibuster." Ah, Season Two. Good times, eh? Sigh. [Sound of crickets chirping.] Josh says that, now that Senate's out of session, they should think about putting a ping-pong table out in the hall. Triplehorn thinks not. Josh is trying to lighten the mood, and says he's kidding. Triplehorn: "You'd be surprised what people think." Josh: "Just from reading the AP wire." Triplehorn stops and says he thinks Josh knows what that's about. Josh: "Yeah, you're running for President." Triplehorn: "We hold elections in this country, not coronations." Somebody better tell Generalissimo Grand Poobah. Josh isn't saying any different. Triplehorn complains that he's talked to two dozen of their precinct captains in Iowa and New Hampshire, and nearly every one of them is locked up. They're standing in a doorway with the most gorgeous metalwork, by the way. What, you expect me not to notice the sets even when I'm half asleep? Oh, you underestimate me. Josh is stunned to hear that he's recruiting precinct captains four years in advance. Triplehorn says Hoynes is using the White House to lock up the primaries: "Hoynes doesn't inherit this. I'm not going to see the party dragged to the middle."
Triplehorn walks out. Josh says that nothing is being dragged anywhere. Josh follows him out. Triplehorn says it's about the future of the party. Josh: "Yeah, how about we enjoy the present for a few hours?" Triplehorn: "You agree with Hoynes on guns? On trade? On school choice?" Josh: "Did I just fall asleep for three and half years?" I know I might. Triplehorn wants to know whether Josh thinks a minority leader is irrelevant. Defensive, much? I don't hear Josh suggesting anything of the sort. Triplehorn insists that he can affect the President's agenda: "I'd like you to be for me, Josh. Not because you're good at what you do. Because of your beliefs." Josh says he's not for anyone: "I barely unpacked from the last campaign." Triplehorn: "Well. Hoynes is going to have to release those precinct captains or we're, uh..." He just shakes his head in a way that's meant to be intimidating. Or what? You'll bust him like a piñata? Make him eat a spaniel? Josh: "Keeps getting earlier, doesn't it?" Triplehorn: "Yes." He walks off.
Margaret is walking with Leo, going over his schedule. She mentions that he has a meeting on "ways to fight a possible recession." Leo chides her: "What did we say?" Margaret: "'Don't say "recession" in this building.'" Leo: "You just did it again!" Margaret wants to know what she's supposed to say. He wants her to call it "the robust-economy meeting." She nods and goes to her desk. Toby's arrived, and follows Leo into his office to tell him Josh is sorting things out with Triplehorn, and that Karen Croft wants the Parks job. Leo tells him she can't have it, because the bill POTUS just signed on it makes the job Senate-confirmable, and it's retroactive, and they missed it somehow amongst the ninety amendments to the bill. I notice that near Margaret's desk, there's some framed pastel poster of sky and water that looks like it has some sort of inspirational saying on it or something that I can't read. Weird. Toby follows Leo and suggests that they put her up anyway. Leo says no: "She led the charge for a higher gas tax." God, I'm having trouble caring about this storyline. Toby says they asked her to do it. Leo growls, "I understand, but the U.S. Senate isn't gonna -- plus the Minority Leader's already pissed at us!" Leo takes off.
Toby heads back to his office, saying, "Okay, thanks." Ginger's right behind him when he turns to call for her, and she nearly crashes into him. "Ginger!" Ginger: "Yeah?" Toby: "Don't." He asks her to get a list of sub-Cabinet vacancies that aren't Senate-confirmable. Ginger: "Mine's not." Toby: "A little less sub-Cabinet than that." He firmly closes his door.
Jed's holding court with a bunch of folks in his office. Apparently, they want to crash a space probe into Neptune. He thinks that's fine, but they're getting $2.5 billion and not a penny more: "If we're going to fail, I want to do it on budget." They thank him and leave. Charlie asks, "More thank-you notes?" Jed suggests he tell Debbie they're going to do some calls. Charlie doesn't seem to think much of that: "Calls." Jed: "Yes, calls. Calls. Mr. Sarcasm, with your dry 'calls.' I was this close to renaming one of the oceans after you but no way. Maybe, maybe one of the species of fish. Like trout." He tells C.J., who's wandered in, "Trout is now 'charlie.' Went up to the lake, pulled out a couple of nice charlie for dinner." Charlie: "Anything else, sir?" Somehow, Charlie refrains from rolling his eyes. Jed: "Look at the size of that charlie you've got on your wall!" Charlie thanks him and leaves. Why am I bothering to transcribe all this weak dialogue? To illustrate my point, which is: Don't bring the Sorkinese if you don't know what you're doing.
Josh returns to the West Wing. He runs into Donna, and says he's got a problem that he's trying to put into perspective: "Triplehorn thinks I'm a secret operative for Hoynes." Donna: "Are you?" Josh doesn't think so. Donna says "This oughta help," and mentions that Mrs. Vanderbass didn't invite Josh to dinner. Josh: "Thank merciful God." Donna starts getting into her "whatever" storyline, which has something to do with a bounced cheque between Mrs. Vanderbass and someone else, and man, I'm straining to even tell you this much because I just can't manage to care about it at all. Josh makes another ethnocentric crack about rice and Donna says, "No, really, the whole continent loves the stereotype." Where were you when he was sniping about dogmeat? Josh says, "They eat a lot of rice, Donna." Yeah, and your country eats a lot of freaking Twinkies. For that matter, Americans apparently spend an average of $500 per person annually on laxatives, which just dumsquizzles me. Maybe a little brown rice would help on that front. I'm just saying. Anyway, Donna starts blathering about who borrowed money from whom and the cheque bounced and blah blah blah couldn'tcarelesscakes. Josh tells Donna to deal with it.
Josh wanders off and runs into Toby, and tells him what happened with Triplehorn. Toby: "This is, like, ten minutes after the polls close in California." Josh says Winnick just called: "It's probably the same thing. Half the Senate's gonna be running. If it looks like we're giving Hoynes the keys..." Toby says he's gotta get Hoynes to back off. Josh says, "Okay, devil's advocate...isn't Hoynes entitled?" Toby says he is, but not yet. Josh says they got him on the ticket by convincing him that it wasn't his turn, and kept him out of the centre ring because it wasn't his turn. Toby: "There aren't any turns!" He walks off. Josh considers that ("Then how'm I ever going to get to be Chief of Staff?" he wonders), and wanders back to his office.
Leo's reading a paper in his office and shaking his head when Toby arrives. He tells Toby that two people robbed a Seattle Starbucks and worked there for half an hour to make more money: "Know when they make their getaway?" Toby: "When business slows down." Leo: "Beat that." He wants to know when Josh is meeting with Hoynes. Toby says soon. He moves on to his business, which seems to be possible job openings for Karen Croft. He says that Alternate Federal Co-Chair of the Appalachian Regional Commission is Senate-confirmable. As is Commissioner of Hopi Indian Relocation. Leo seems mildly surprised to hear it. He says, "Let me tell you something about this job: you need a deep bench." Toby just gives him a look. Leo returns it with a weak smile. Toby mentions two more positions that are Senate-confirmable, and Leo says, "My job's not." Toby: "Ginger beat you to that joke, and Karen lost her seat because of us." Leo wants to know what Toby wants him to do. Toby: "Start getting used to the fact that we won in a landslide. We can show some fight on this." Leo: "Ernest went down for the gun ban...Janice for taxes..." Toby says this is different, because they asked Karen to introduce the bill. Leo says she knew that: "It's called a trial balloon." Toby: "It's also called a recorded vote. She did that kind of thing for us. She was our gal on the back bench." God, I hate the word "gal." Leo: "She did everything short of pouring lighter fluid on the Republican leadership. They're not going to confirm her. They're going to make us look bad doing it, and we still got half the new Cabinet to confirm." Margaret knocks and tells Leo his meeting is starting. As Leo leaves, he asks, "The Hopi Relocation guy?" Toby just says yeah.
Leo goes into the Oval Office, where Lanny and Mary Kay from the Sit Room are there with Jed; he says that the plane is about six hours out. Lanny adds that a headwind could buy them another hour. Turns out the problem is that they don't have a doctor. They sent this kid over without a doctor ready? Leo and Jed are pretty alarmed to hear it. Lanny says that there are only three doctors who can do it: "Jorrey, who's in the middle of a heart-valve replacement, and Weingarten..." Weingarten's busy rappelling the north face of K2. Leo wants to know if he's going up or down. Jed: "It's in Pakistan, what does it matter?" Well, if they'd known that a few hours ago, they could have sent the kid and the organs there, I guess. Leo: "It's not in Pakistan; you only think it is." I guess Leo's siding with the Chinese. Jed snipes: "Okay, but if I need a life-saving procedure, can you make sure the surgeon's suffering from massive oxygen deprivation?" Leo asks who the third doctor is. Lanny says it's Dr. Ahsan Mohabi at Smith-Lansing. Ruh roh! Jed: "Aw, don't tell me." Yes, indeed, he's Iranian, and he fled the country in 1980 after "fundamentalists" tortured and killed his father. Jed: "The one guy who can save his son and he tortured his father. That's just bad staff work." He bellows for Charlie. Leo asks Lanny and Mary Kay, "Are we sure about Japan? I mean, one of these days they're going to find the fairway, right?" Charlie comes in and Jed tells him to pull FLOTUS out of whatever meeting she's in right now. Charlie says she's with the Women's Caucus. Jed: "Well, put on a helmet and pads and get in there!" Charlie leaves. Leo instructs Lanny and Mary Kay and Third Guy With No Lines to make sure Mohabi is sitting near a phone: "He takes an elevator, we know the number." Jed dismisses them.
Josh asks Donna for a DNC list of state party conventions where they asked Hoynes to take their slot. He also wants all four years of budget roll-outs; he only has last year's. Donna brings up the bounced-cheque thing again. Deadbeats, Gracie, Ethel Mertz, Congressmen with six-figure salaries, felonies, Lulu. I don't care, and you can't make me. Not with this dialogue anyway. And for once I know I'm not alone in giving this storyline a big pass. God, even Donna's with me: "The hell is Lulu?" As they each go their separate ways, Josh explains, "It's To Sir, with Love." Donna thanks him. What's she thanking him for? Please God, just let it end. Soon.
FLOTUS is in the Residence with an assistant. Feast your orbs, if you will, on this dazzling exchange:
FLOTUS: I'm just gonna need the lists.
Witless Assistant: I have the lists.
FLOTUS: I know, that's why I'm asking you for them.
Witless Assistant: Did you want them?
FLOTUS: Yes...
Witless Assistant: I'm sorry, we're talking about the lists?
FLOTUS: And your having them and my wanting them.
Between the watching and transcribing and the formatting, there are ten minutes of my life I'd like to have back. Are they kidding me with this? I honestly don't think I could write dialogue that pointless if I gave it the old college try. Jed arrives as Witless Assistant leaves. He greets her as "Teri." She corrects him: "Bobbie, sir." Jed's indifferent. He probably overheard the conversation and reckons she'll be gone by the end of business, anyway. Abby starts complaining that he pulled her out of the Women's Caucus. Jed: "No need to thank me." Seems like there's no danger of that. Abby walks into the dressing area/washroom as he asks, "Whatever happened to Mrs. Wilberforce?" Wait! Jed's following her! We get to see a narrow shot of the dressing area/washroom! This is the most exciting thing in the episode so far. How painfully sad is that? Abby -- getting something out of the top drawer of what looks like a rosewood dresser -- says she moved to Miami and took up massage. For those who care, the walls are a light bluish-grey on top, off-white marble on the lower half with a black marble border. The floor is white tile punctuated by square black tiles inset at an angle. There's a white pedestal sink in the background. No sign of the Presidential john. The window has fabric swagged artfully on it. There's a lattice-front box below the window probably enclosing a radiator. Oil painting, vase of flowers, a valet stand. That's about all I can see.
Jed doesn't know what the hell Abby's talking about and asks, "Wasn't Mrs. Wilberforce our cat?" Abby says she was their housekeeper. Jed: "Really? All right. Eisenmenger's Syndrome." Abby's gone back out in the bedroom area now and she talks about the syndrome: "It's a cyanotic heart condition, there's something called ventricular-septal defect..." Jed tells her the Ayatollah's son has it. Abby: "Am I dreaming, or are you talking to me about foreign policy? You're not worried the sky's gonna fall down?" They both sit down. He replies, "No, but I'm concerned about spousal abuse." Going which way, I wonder. She asks what the problem is; he tells her the only doctor available won't do it. "He's Jewish?" Jed: "Persian." Abby says he doesn't have a choice. "Doctors aren't instruments of the state, and they're not allowed to choose patients on spec." Jed says he can't order him to do it. Abby says he can. Wait a second, I thought they weren't instruments of the state. Jed asks, "Through the power vested in me by you?" Abby: "Samuel Mudd set Booth's leg after he shot Lincoln. Doctors are liable in this country if they don't treat the patient right in front of them." Jed: "Just for the record, this is why we don't talk about foreign policy. Which we do, and you don't think we do it enough." She looks annoyed: "Why?" Jed: "Because Samuel Mudd was tried and convicted of treason for setting that leg." Abby: "So?" Jed: "What 'so'?" Abby: "So that's the way it goes. You set the leg." Jed: "The patient right in front of them?" Abby: "Yes." Jed: "All right. Go back to the sewing thing." God, the "diminishing women" thing just never wears out its welcome, does it? He calls her out of a meeting to get her input and then trivializes her. He gets up and leaves, as Abby says, "It's the Women's...never mind." Dump him, lady. Kick his sorry patronizing ass to the curb! Now that'd be a storyline.
Beautiful night shot of Washington and the Capitol Building. VPOTUS is saying to Josh that he can't remember the last time he had a week away and that Josh ought to take a vacation. Hoynes went on vacation the week of the election? Just how long after the election is this supposed to be? I thought it was like a day or two. They're in Hoynes's office. Josh: "Yeah, I don't get Hawaii: great weather, great beaches, universal health care...I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." Hoynes tells him that the Representative from Honolulu used to spend all his time tanning on the Capitol balcony. Josh: "Because if he went home without a tan..." Hoynes: "They'd know he'd gone Washington?" Josh says they have to talk politics. Hoynes says he'd like to, adding, "I'm glad we had that little talk on Air Force Two." Josh cuts to the chase: "We need you to stop shopping for precinct captains." Josh says they're days after an election, and it's too early. Hoynes: "Is that what this is all about?" Josh: "Triplehorn alone can tie us in knots." Hoynes: "Well, good for Triplehorn. I've got an obligation to myself, here!" Josh says his Constitutional obligation comes first. Hoynes: "Last time I checked, my Constitutional obligation was to have a pulse!" This is honestly the only line that got even so much as a chuckle out of me. Josh: "We need these two years...it's our last chance to govern, John..." He snaps: "Mr. Vice-President." That wipes the disarming smile off Josh's face. He replies, "There are going to be lots of ways..." Hoynes stands and says, "No zealot like a convert, Josh." Josh asks what that's supposed to mean. Hoynes pauses before he explains, "It means you'd have been great at Leo's job." Burn. Josh makes a little fidgety gesture with his hand and then stands, pointing out, "Half this town's gonna be running. I do the President's politics. He can't govern if I'm seen as..." Hoynes stands there all studly and imperious and asks, "Being for me?" Josh doesn't answer him. Hoynes continues: "I don't think there's much risk of that." As Hoynes rests on the door handle, Josh walks past him. As he's getting to the hall, Hoynes says he was wrong -- that they never went to Hawaii: "We went rafting on the Flathead River instead." He closes the door in Josh's puzzled face.
Debbie's typing and warning the tall, elegant, handsome man standing behind her -- who must be Dr. Mohabi -- not to touch anything. She glances at him, and he just looks wearily chastened. He sits down just as POTUS rounds the corner. He stands. Jed walks past him without a word or a glance toward Debbie's desk, where she hands him a note. He reads the note, saying that the boy's on the plane and he's experiencing pulmonary hypertension. He turns to the doctor: "That's elevated pressure in the lungs, I think. That could lead to what?" Dr. Mohabi doesn't say anything at first, and then Jed asks him again. Mohabi says, "I'm sorry, I..." Jed asks him sharply a third time. Mohabi replies, "Sudden heart failure." Jed: "That's what it says here. Follow me." Going into the Oval Office, he continues reading, "His right ventricular pressure has risen to 102 mm Mercury." Mohabi translates: "Low-oxygen blood's beginning to bypass the lungs." Jed continues: "Right, and he has something called in situ thrombi." Mohabi: "His arteries have lost their coagulant properties and Mr. President, I resent this." Jed: "Dr. Mohabi, I don't care. Why aren't you scrubbing up?" Mohabi patiently explains, "People are taken from their homes in the dead of night, and jailed and tortured for months at a time." Jed: "I know." Mohabi: "Public executions, political opponents dragged outside state borders..." Jed knows all that: "Don't you think I know?" Mohabi says he won't aid the enemy. Jed: "I'll let you know who the enemy is." Wow, his black-and-white morality and incredible arrogance really make a heck of a package, don't they? Jed continues, "That's my job. It's not a fifteen-year-old boy."
Mohabi pauses and tries again: "How do I know these organs were donated voluntarily?" Jed: "Doctors Without Borders." Mohabi replies, "You don't know these people, Mr. President." Jed insists, "I do know these people. You're crazy if you don't think I do." Mohabi loses a bit of patience and says, "And I don't need to be told who the enemy is. It's not your family that's still there. My family's there. If the procedure isn't successful..." Jed, blithely: "Nothing will happen to them." Oh, right! Can Mohabi get that in writing? [Insert derisive snort here.] Jed insists, and Mohabi wants to know who's making that guarantee. Jed: "Well, the Swiss, I guess." Mohabi just looks like he knows he's screwed no matter what he does. Jed says he'll use every power of his office to protect him and his family. Yeah, good luck with that. Jed walks out from behind his desk and stands in front of Mohabi: "Can I just say that this is how things change for the better? A world-class surgeon or a schoolteacher in Afjah who questions the Ayatollah's divine power. Do me a favour, Doctor, go back to Smith-Lansing and look at the kid, 'cause I think when you do, you're going to scrub up. If you don't, I respect that, and the man made his own bed. Okay?" Mohabi gazes at him and says, "Yeah."
Jed and Mohabi start to walk out and Jed asks, "What was your father's name?" It was Raji. Jed asks what he taught. Mohabi says, "Science." How nice of Jed to ask. It's that personal touch that sets him head and shoulders above other politicians. Jed shakes his hand, thanks him, and instructs someone (Debbie, I guess) to get him to Baltimore. It's too bad there couldn't have been an actual exchange between these two, wherein Jed comes to better understand Mohabi's point of view, and yet still makes a compelling case for Mohabi to perform the surgery, rather than basically telling him what to think, offering empty reassurances, and strong-arming him into it. Maybe he could have bothered to find out if Mohabi was an observant Muslim, or had any other religious beliefs pertinent to the situation. Maybe he could have shared some of the difficult life-and-death decisions he's had to make himself. No money in the budget for creating strong, complex, multidimensional Muslim characters, though. I'd be bitter if I weren't so damn used to it. Mohabi leaves and Jed walks back to his desk with his hands in his pockets, looking satisfied with himself.
Josh is slouched in Leo's office. Leo's standing there, arms crossed: "You think his cell phone, maybe?" Josh: "Not whitewater rafting. And staff can't make those calls. They're top-tier Iowa people, and New Hampshire. Forty, fifty calls from the Flathead River?" Leo says it really doesn't seem possible: "Unless..." Josh: "That's what I'm saying." Leo says he'll take care of it. Margaret sticks her head in to say, "CEQ." XFZ to you, too. Josh gets up, asking what to tell Triplehorn. Leo says to tell him it's done. Josh leaves.
Toby and Karen are at the bar in a nice restaurant. There's mellow piano music playing in the background. She's trying to convince him to either take or buy some fifty-yard-line football tickets she's got. Toby's declining, so consumed he must be with guilt. In case you're wondering, and I don't doubt that you are, my hair looks more or less like Karen's, except I'm not blonde. He tells her she can't have the job. He tells her about the Senate-confirmable problem. He assures her they'll find her something. She says he doesn't have to do that. Toby: "Can't be Museum Studies. God forbid the Senate falls out of the mix on that." Karen laughs, and says she's made a lot of enemies on the Hill and they don't owe her. Toby insists that they do, explaining that it was his call to go ahead with the gasoline-tax hike, knowing it was a loser and pushing for it anyway. She says it doesn't make any difference. You know, these two have quite a lot of chemistry together, and I don't know if it's just Richard Schiff's natural irresistibility or what, but I bet anyone who'd never seen the show before would think these two were an item based on this scene. Back off, lady. And you too, Ziegler. You've got twins on the way. Parsifal and Ragnarok. She says, "I came out for a gas tax, because someone from Michigan had to. Gas prices are too low. It's why the air's polluted. It's why no one wants alternative fuels." Toby: "And clearly, that argument took the nation by storm." She laughs and says, "In my religion, the whole symbol of the religion ended in crucifixion and condemnation." That's a pretty humble analogy. "That wasn't a measure of the experience. It's just the way it ended." Toby gives her a cute, sheepish look and says, "Yeah, but I'm the Romans." Karen insists, "It's in the living. It's in the campaigning that you make your mark. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose." She's awfully philosophical. Toby seems pretty enamoured of her equanimity. Karen adds, "You have until the end of the day on those tickets, by the way." She smiles warmly. Toby takes a drink. Yo, Andi! Now would be a good time to page Toby. I'm just saying.
Sam returns to the West Wing, running into Bonnie as he arrives. She welcomes him back and congratulates him. He says, "Okay," and heads for his office. He asks if she knows whether POTUS is still in his office; she says he is. He sets his bag on the chair inside his door. His desk is super-tidy. And he has a Newton's cradle, too; I don't remember that being there. As he takes off his coat, he very briefly looks around his office, packing a whole lot of "last glance" emotion into about two seconds. I could be projecting a little here, because of course I wish he wasn't going, although I'm not livid about it or anything. Still, I say there was a lot in that glance. If nothing else, Rob Lowe has proved on this show that he can make a lot out of a little. He heads to the Oval Office.
Jed's still writing thank-you notes. His clock is ticking loudly in the background. He starts looking around for something -- what is it he's always rooting around for? Remember he was doing the same thing at the beginning of the show? -- Nancy sticks her head in and asks if he can see Sam. He can. I think Martin Sheen's lost weight. Sam comes in and Jed says, "You're the nominee." Sam insists that there is no nominee and everyone's on the ballot. Jed: "Is there another Democrat?" Sam says no. Jed: "You're the nominee." Is Sam running for Congress, or King of Denial? Dude, face it, you're the nominee. Jed says he knows how Sam feels, and asks if he likes Scott Holcomb. Sam says he doesn't know him well. Jed says he's good. Sam: "There's a good guy out there named Will Bailey, if he should come across your radar." Radar? If Jed stood at the bottom of the Grand Canyon, blindfolded, and tossed ping-pong balls randomly about himself, he could hardly fail to detect Will Bailey. Jed asks if he's going to campaign on prescription drugs. Sam replies, "Our prescription-drug bill, yes, sir. And our Medicare reforms and the Bartlet Energy Plan..." Jed says, "Sam...it's okay to run away from me when you need to." I'd get that in writing. Sam: "I would never, Mr. President. I simply would never do that. That's not how I'm getting votes." And you know he's not just saying it. Oh Sam, you gotta stop being such a Boy Scout. God love ya, and all, but seriously: this is a pretty cutthroat business. Better wise up. On the other hand, you'll probably get a lot of votes just for being nice and pretty, so what do I know? Jed says he appreciates that, but that's not what he's talking about: "You disagreed with me on Medicare. I remember the meeting right here. Then you wrote a five-page memo." Sam looks slightly uncomfortable. Jed advises him, "Run towards yourself. I'm wrong about that -- walk. You're not going to be used to your surroundings." Sam: "Yes, sir." Jed: "If you lose, you lose. But if you waste this, I'll kill you. I'll just kill you, Sam." Sam: "Yes, sir." Jed asks if there's anything else. Sam thanks him and leaves. Let me guess: we see about two minutes of Sam per episode (on the phone from California, probably) until February sweeps and his final exit?
Jed goes back to his note-writing. Leo comes in and asks, "Thank-you notes?" Jed says yeah, and that he's going to bed. Leo asks: "You don't really like making thank-you calls, do you?" Jed takes off his glasses, stares at him for a moment, and says, "Spill it." Leo asks how many precinct captains he lined up for Hoynes. Jed says he didn't line them up. Leo interrupts, saying, "Forty-seven. Charlie showed me the call sheets." Jed: "I said thanks of behalf of the ticket. I can't help it if..." Leo just glares: "Yeah." Jed says they'll think whatever they want. Leo says they think he's freezing the race for Hoynes. Jed: "I'm freezing it for us. We just won four more years. It's not time for a free-for-all." Leo tells him, "This shouldn't be what you do anymore." Jed considers that for a bit, then asks, "Do I call them all back?" Leo says they'll take care of it. Jed says all right and packs up his briefcase. Leo tells him Tehran's going to accelerate medium-range missile tests by two weeks. Jed does a coat flip with his jacket as Leo says they'll gather the NSC principals in the morning. Jed: "All right. Anything else?" Leo: "Salman Afkham was wheeled into surgery fifteen minutes ago." Jed nods and says, "Mohabi's day just started." Leo: "Well, I suppose there are worse ways for ours to end." Jed says, "Yeah, that's right." They exchange subdued smiles. Jed walks out onto the portico and the camera follows him until he's almost out of sight. You know, I don't think the fact that this episode was weak means that no one but Sorkin can write a good episode. And I think it's reasonable and smart to let other people have a run at it, though I think it would have also been smart to get Sorkin to polish the script. This was very disjointed and weak. At least when Sorkin writes, you're getting it directly from the horse's mouth, for better or worse. Too much of this seems to have come from the other end.