By LTG
I've been trying to imagine the demographic that would watch Clay Aiken's Christmas special and stick around for The West Wing, but then I realized that a very good friend of mine falls in that group. So I think I'll leave the joke alone. (Call me, Anne!)
We open on an exterior shot of the White House, with the sound of applause and cheers. Cut to a room crowded with people engaged in said applauding and cheering. The room is also crowded with Josh and Toby, who are engaged in a vigorous debate. Josh is appalled that Jed wants to nominate Arnold Vinick to be ambassador to the U.N. because Vinick's a Republican. But Toby points out that "he's not a real Republican. He's a California Republican." Someone should tell that to "B-1" Bob Dornan, nutjob from Orange County. Anyway, Josh's job is to feel Vinick out (not like that, pervs) to see if he would be willing to accept the nomination. And then I hear the voice that ruins my viewing pleasure. It's Penn Jillette, of Penn and Teller. First, James Taylor, and now Penn and Teller. It's like the East Room is turning into P3. What's ? The Scissor Sisters? Unbelievably, the crowd has been cheering for Penn, and he thanks them for the applause. It's Zoey's birthday, and Mommy and Daddy got her a couple of magicians to perform at her party. Penn calls her the "First Daughter," and she protests that she is not, in fact, the first daughter. Teller causes a three of clubs to rise from the deck of cards in his hand, reminding Penn that Zoey is actually "the third daughter of the first family." And then Zoey has to ask them to perform one more trick. Man, that girl should have stayed kidnapped. And if she's really a fan of Penn and Teller, my opinion of Zoey just dropped considerably.
At Teller's gesture, Zoey stands up and holds a piece of paper that Teller has rolled up into a cone. He wads up a red handkerchief and shoves it into the cone, pulls out a wand, shakes the wand around inside the cone, puts the wand away, and unrolls the cone, releasing not a handkerchief but a lot of shiny red confetti. Except he does it all in whimsical mime fashion, eliciting laughter from the audience and murderous rage from me. (By the way, Charlie is sitting to Zoey. For those of you who care.) Penn blathers on about the trick, and how beautiful and pure a simple vanish is. He muses aloud about whether the trick might be different if it were not a handkerchief that they cause to vanish but instead was a piece of fabric with more meaning, like the U.S. flag that happens to be on the stage. He blathers on about the symbolism of the flag as he and Teller remove it from its pole and fold it up into a small triangle. The audience (including Josh and Toby) is completely silent during this shtick. Penn also says that rather than using a simple piece of paper, it would be interesting to use paper that also has some meaning -- in this case, a copy of the Bill of Rights. He blathers on about freedom of speech for a bit. They roll up the Bill of Rights, stuff the folded flag into it, put some paper in, light a lighter, and set the paper on fire. There is a quick flash of flame, and then the rolled-up tube is empty. Penn says, "It's okay, 'cause even though the flag is gone, the Bill of Rights remains." Toby asks Josh, "Did they just burn an American flag in the White House?" Josh: "Uh huh." Actually, probably not -- but I'll get to that rant later. Credits, Smits-free.
A couple of people on the forums have asked me to explain my hatred of Penn and Teller, so: my soul is just full of loathing for them. I hate Penn's greasy-looking hair and his stupid fucking ponytail and his nasty chin pubes. I hate Teller's "look at me, I'm a whimsical mime" attitude. But most of all, I just think that Penn always comes across as a giant bully. He seems to believe that everyone he deals with is a huge idiot, and he's not afraid to demonstrate that belief. And while I have little patience for people who believe in crazy things like alien abductions and astrology, and it's easy to make fun of them, mocking them doesn't necessarily make you a good person. Especially when you seem (as Penn does) to take such delight in being mean to them. (And yes, I know, I also take delight in being mean to people. But at least the people I mock have put themselves on television and invited criticism.) If Penn and Teller, in their work on Bullshit!, seemed remotely interested in actually educating people, I might respect them a little bit. But they just seem intent on demonstrating how much smarter they are than the simpletons around them. So that's why I hate Penn and Teller. But really, isn't the ponytail enough?
Annabeth walks into the press pool with an updated schedule for the China summit. She tells the assembled reporters that the President will be stopping in Louisiana before heading directly to China. Someone asks when Jed is going to appoint a new U.N. ambassador, but Annabeth ignores the question and just steamrolls through the schedule. We learn that Abbey is on a visit to India, and that she'll be meeting Jed in Beijing when she has completed her visit. The reporter is persistent, however, and asks, "How long is the President going to leave the U.N. post vacant?" Annabeth: "Not as long as I'm going to ignore questions about anything other than the China trip." She tells them that, in New Orleans, Jed will be meeting with shrimp fishermen and shrimp packers, but is interrupted by another reporter, who tells her that they're called "shrimpers." If I were a shrimper, I might lobby to change that name. She just calls them "representatives of the shrimp industry" and goes on with the schedule. I enjoyed this scene -- it's been a while since we've seen someone from the White House dealing with the press other than in formal briefings.
Office of O. C.J. hands Jed a copy of the statement on human rights that he and the president of China (whose name keeps sounding like "Leon" to me -- I know that can't be right) will issue at the end of the summit. Jed glances at it and asks why there's nothing about Tibet. Toby (who is also in the room, along with Kate) tells him that Tibet is mentioned -- they just couldn't use the actual word "Tibet." Jed asks Toby to show him the sentence that refers to Tibet, and Kate tells Jed that while he's "in the room," he can say whatever he likes to the Chinese president, but that the joint statement has to be agreed upon in advance. Jed says that he plans to hammer the Chinese on Tibet, and Kate tells him to expect them to hammer back on the subject of Indian reservations.
Cut to another conference room. Josh is looking over his shoulder, where he is able to see some of what is happening in the Oval until someone closes the door. I do not understand how that line of sight worked. Josh is meeting with the Secretary of Transportation, who is trying to make excuses for the Department's failure to submit a budget proposal on time. The Secretary offers a completely lame excuse when he tells Josh that he "assumed [Josh was] going on the China trip, and [they'd] have another week to get [their] homework done." Josh tells the Secretary, and some other assembled people, "This is more important than the China trip. This is the budget of the United States of America." Transportation is the only department that hasn't submitted its budget proposal, which is delaying any attempt to assemble a complete budget to submit to Congress. Josh sees something through the door and excuses himself from the room for a moment. On his way out, he's waylaid by Donna, who tells him that because Vinick is confirmed for 11:15, Josh's meeting with OMB had to be moved up. She also reminds him about "that other thing." Josh: "What other thing?" Donna: "Me." Josh is pretty noncommittal, telling her, "Oh. Right. Sure."
Josh pops into the hall and grabs Leo, whom he saw walking by. Leo's there to sort out some papers he left behind; he has to do it in the office, because they deal with matters of a sensitive nature. Josh asks him whether he's heard about Vinick, and Leo informs him that Jed spoke to Leo about it the day before. Josh still seems opposed to the appointment, complaining that Vinick "has been investigating [the White House] for seven years, non-stop." How many years was that, Josh? Seven? Okay, just checking. (Am I ever going to let go of that? Probably not.) And if Vinick really has been such a thorn in the Administration's side, why have we never heard his name before? Leo tells him that Vinick has always supported Jed on foreign policy, and that's good enough for him. Leo walks away from Josh and greets Margaret: "Hey, sweetie." She hugs him and calls him "boss." She offers to get C.J., but Leo just tells her to lead him to the documents so he can get to work. Throughout this exchange, Josh just stands there with his head hanging down. Margaret tells Leo that the documents are in C.J.'s old office, and that the shredder is ready and waiting. With that, all three of them walk off.
Oval Office. Jed is meeting with C.J., Kate, Toby, and a mess of Secretaries and other policy types. Someone hands Jed the joint statement on regional security, which will be released on the last day of the summit. Jed wants the last day to focus only on North Korea, but Kate tells him that the Chinese would only discuss North Korea in the context of regional security. Jed tells Kate that she can "tell the Chinese that if they talk to [him] about North Korea, they don't have to talk about anything else." The man who gave Jed the joint statement (who is perhaps the Secretary of State?) reminds him that the list of subjects the U.S. needs to discuss with China is far longer than the single issue of North Korea. Jed tells the guy that he knows, and then suggests that they go over the rest of the material on the plane. C.J. thinks it would be best to do as much as they can in advance, but Jed isn't especially interested: "We've got twenty hours to kill in the air over the two days." C.J. and Toby exchange a worried look, but nobody says anything. (I just want to observe that so far, Jed has been using both hands with equal facility.)
Leo is in C.J.'s old office, going over documents. Josh is still complaining about Vinick: "We have an election coming up, and we're actually saying there's no Democrat who can represent us at the U.N.?" Leo repeats that Jed wants Vinick, and points out that Leo himself has known Vinick for thirty years: "I don't know anyone better for the job." Leo tells Josh that Jed wants to ask Vinick, but "you don't want to put him alone in the room until you know Vinick's gonna say yes." Josh is willing to do it, but he won't beg if Vinick plays hard-to-get. As an added incentive for Josh, Leo points out that if Vinick says yes, "he won't be investigating [the administration] anymore."
Oval. The assembled group has not dispersed, and Toby is telling Jed that they want to go over the topics because of Jed's insistence "on being alone in the room with the Chinese leaders." Jed doesn't want the summit to be another empty ritual, and he wants an opportunity to discuss issues of substance: "This is my last China summit. It's my last chance. I want to walk into that room and show the Chinese that they are not dealing with some staff-dependent puppet. I want 'em to see that I'm ready to get some real work done right there in the room. Progress isn't good enough for me now. I want to get something done." After a beat, C.J. asks, "You like shrimp, don't you?" Jed loves it. C.J. thinks that he "might be interested to know how much of the shrimp sold in the U.S. actually comes from China." This has got Jed's attention, and he asks for some information. An incredibly dry and withered-looking man tells Jed that one of the most difficult trade issues being addressed in the summit is shrimp. He repeats the word "shrimp," and makes a funny little shrimp-husking motion with his hands.
Back to the press pool. Annabeth has finally gotten to the end of the summit agenda, and just as she's about to start on the return trip itinerary, someone asks her if it's "true that Penn and Teller burned an American flag in the White House last night?" Annabeth: "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not taking any questions?" But more questions come, including one on who invited Penn and Teller to appear at the White House. I would like the answer to that question myself, just so I can lobby to have that person fired. Annabeth: "Penn and Teller were invited to perform at a private party last night in the East Room. Because it was a private party, the White House has no further comment." Everyone starts to ask questions, and when Annabeth reminds them that she's not taking any questions, a faceless wag points out that she just did. Annabeth: "Well, I'm not taking any more." Reporters are just like my housemates -- give them an inch, and they'll take a mile.
Back in the Oval Office, the shrimp guy is dryly telling Jed that even if every other trade issue is cleared up, if China doesn't change its method of valuing its currency, no real progress will be made. Just then, C.J. reads from a note that an unseen flunky handed her. It reports that according to the State Department, China is releasing a political prisoner "as a goodwill gesture on the eve of the President's arrival." While C.J. is reading the note, she and Kate stand up and high-five each other. That seems a bit unseemly. What's , doing the wave during cabinet meetings? Jed thinks the release is standard operating procedure when there's a summit, but Kate and C.J. are excited. Just then Millie enters the room. I really think Debbie is trying to get fired, what with the constant unannounced arrivals in the Oval Office. Or maybe she's just getting revenge for the fact that she didn't get to speak in the first two episodes of the season. Jed welcomes "Madam Surgeon General" to the office, and tells her, "The briefing book on public health in China is just a touch too technical for someone who almost failed organic chemistry." C.J. wonders if by "almost failed," Jed actually means that he got a B. Millie recalls that it was actually a B-plus. I love the little uniform the Surgeon General has to wear. I think every member of the cabinet should have his or her own special costume. Jed asks Millie if her bags are packed, and tells her that he wants her to join him on the flight to China so that she can brief him on AIDS and SARS. She's surprised, obviously, but doesn't raise any reason that she can't come along. The trade discussion continues as C.J., Charlie, and Toby exit the office.
Annabeth is in Debbie's office, and she tells the three of them that the Penn and Teller flag-burning incident leaked. Toby is not surprised. C.J. asks how the "private party" line went over, and Toby is also not surprised to hear that it tanked. Annabeth tells them that the reporters really want to know who invited Penn and Teller and who was "in the room" when it happened. C.J. recognizes that what they really want to know is if the President was "in the room." (This episode is clearly gunning for the record for "most uses of episode title in meaningless conversation.") Toby gripes that he knew the story was going to leak "the second it happened." Charlie reassures me that there is still one smart person working in the White House when he asks, "The second what happened?" He points out that it was a magic trick: "How do we know what they did or how they did it?" You know, I've decided that when the writers have the characters point out something incredibly obvious, they are not assuming the audience is stupid -- they're assuming that the producers are stupid. So C.J. speaks for the stupidest producer on the planet when she asks Charlie, "Are you saying, maybe they didn't really burn the flag?" Yes, just like they didn't really turn a handkerchief into confetti and have probably never really sawed a woman in half. (Although with Penn, I wouldn't bet money on that last one.) The fact that anyone in the White House really believed for one second that a flag was burned just drives me crazy. There was no smoke, there was no ash or other residue, and the flame lasted less than a second. This was clearly plain old sleight-of-hand accompanied with a little flash of pyrotechnics. I utterly despise this plot, and not just because it bears the stench of Penn and Teller. C.J. can't hear me screaming at the television, however, and she tells Annabeth to get a statement from Penn and Teller declaring that they did not really burn a flag.
C.J. et al. reenter the Office of O, where Kate is reading a draft statement commending the Chinese government for releasing the political prisoner. The eight other people who were previously in the room have disappeared. Perhaps we should accuse Penn and Teller of kidnapping them. Jed is not happy with the word "commend," and they decide to say that the U.S. is "encouraged" by the release. C.J. tries to put some papers in Jed's right hand, and they just fall to the floor. She doesn't hesitate to pick them up and put them on his desk, but he casts a furtive glance around the room. Kate, C.J., and Toby keep discussing the statement, while Jed glances down at his desk and uses his left hand to slide a pen into his right hand. He can't grip the pen, however, and it falls back to the desktop. He surreptitiously slides his right hand into his pocket and walks over to the group, telling them that he would like to take a look at the statement again. They're still discussing it as we fade to commercials.
If I found those Old Navy singers in my attic, I would call an exterminator.
Air Force One, still on the ground. C.J. is telling Jed that they are going to get Penn and Teller to release a statement on the flag burning to that the issue will go away. Jed is concerned that they're going to "ruin a perfectly good segment on Crossfire tonight." In the background, we see Governor Bundy on a monitor.
The same footage of Governor Bundy is also on a monitor in the White House, where Donna is asking Josh if he wants to see any of the Christmas party invitations she's declining on his behalf. He only wants to see the ones she accepts, which he hopes will be none. She tells him that Air Force One is forty-eight minutes late taking off, and he claims that means he wins their bet. She tells him that he took forty-five minutes or under, which he denies. Donna: "Do you really want to become a pathological liar over three bucks?" He puts on his coat and starts to walk out, telling her that he's going to be late for his meeting with Vinick. She tells him, "Not anymore, you won't." He thinks this means that Vinick cancelled, but she tells him that she rescheduled the meeting for him because Charlie needs him on something. She says that Charlie has been passing stuff along for Josh since C.J.'s been "on the road." Donna: "You can say 'China trip.' Every time you say 'on the road,' it screams [of] trying to avoid saying 'China trip.'" Josh tells Donna that he's fine not going on the China trip: "Picking a U.N. ambassador's no small thing." Donna: "You didn't pick him." Josh also tells her that only he can reschedule his meetings, not Donna or Charlie. She looks at him and says, "To keep your fragile ego intact, I've been trying to avoid using the phrase 'direct order from C.J.' I'll take your coat."
Air Force One. Someone is announcing that the plane will be landing in New Orleans in twenty-five minutes. The P.A. system on that plane is uncommonly clear. Toby walks through the press section, and in response to a slew of shouted questions, tells them that he has no more information on the flag burning incident. Jed is walking down a corridor with C.J. and Kate. He tells C.J. that he's "spent just about enough time on a child's birthday party." He asks Kate what she has for him, and she starts to ask him whether Penn and Teller really burned a flag. Didn't she hear him just say that he was done with that subject? He tells her that he doesn't know what happened: "I was in bed five minutes after Zoey blew out the candles." Jed still has his right hand shoved in his pocket, and when Toby hands him a draft statement on the flag burning to review, he grabs it with his left hand. Jed hates the statement, and tells them that all he wants to say is that it was a private party. Toby thinks they can't just ignore the issue like that, but Jed fairly yells, "I'm not letting anyone drag me into a national shouting match about what happened at my daughter's birthday party." There's a knock on the door, and an imposingly large young man sticks his head in and tells them that they'll be landing in twenty minutes. Could this be the Curtis that we've been hearing about?
Charlie's office. (The one he shares with five other folks.) Charlie is telling Josh that he's not comfortable acting as a go-between for C.J., but that she's already had him on the phone with "half the cabinet." C.J. asked Charlie to get Josh to work on the flag burning issue, because twenty-seven members of Congress have signed a letter demanding an explanation from the President, and C.J.'s afraid that the issue will overpower coverage of the summit. Charlie: "She needs you to..." Josh: "'Put out the fire'? Did she actually say 'put out the fire?' Tell me she said 'put out the fire.'" Charlie is not amused. Neither am I, because I was going to make that joke.
Josh and Annabeth pedeconference. She tells him that in addition to inquiries from all of the usual reporters, they've also gotten calls from a bunch of entertainment journalists, including someone from Magician's Monthly. (All the Arrested Development fans in the audience just plotzed. ["Poof is a much better magazine title." -- Wing Chun]) Josh tells Annabeth to "track down Penn and Teller and get them on the phone with [Josh]." Annabeth: "'Them'? Teller doesn't speak." Josh thinks it's just an act, but Annabeth tells him that Penn told her that Teller doesn't speak. (At least one forum poster claims to have spoken with Teller as he walked through the audience after a show. And I know I've heard him meow before. Don't ask. Okay, it was on an episode of Dharma & Greg. But I refuse to explain why I was watching that piece of crap. ["He also spoke in Penn & Teller Get Killed." -- Wing Chun]) It seems that Annabeth has already spoken to Penn, and they will be at the White House in a couple of hours. Oh joy, another chance to recap them. Josh thinks it's clear that Annabeth doesn't need him.
As Josh exits Annabeth's office, he runs into Will, who "wanted to give [Josh] a heads-up on the Vice-President's statement about the flag burning." The statement is awful -- Bingo Bob is calling for a Constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. Josh asks Will, "Can this guy open his mouth without pandering?" I don't know -- can you speak to Donna without patronizing her? He tells Annabeth to let him know when Penn and Teller arrive, and walks into his own office. Will follows behind him, trying to explain his position. Josh hollers for Donna, asking where an OMB report is. She tells him it's "where the OMB reports always are, in the stack beside the thing." When he asks for the supplements, she tells him they are "in the supplementary stack, beside the other thing. Okay, I'm done helping you ignore Will." Once she leaves, Will asks Josh how he would advise the Veep to respond to a flag burning in the White House. Josh: "I would tell him to shut up. I would tell him to show a little loyalty to the President and his family. But then, I'd have to explain what loyalty is, wouldn't I." Will asks Josh if he has "time to do that now."
Air Force One. Toby is on the phone with someone, explaining that Jed "shook a few too many hands in New Orleans, but the pilot says we can make up some of the lost time in the air." Behind Toby, a waiter enters Jed's office with a tray of food. Man, that chicken looks good. In the office, shrimp guy is explaining to Jed that both China and Vietnam are dumping shrimp on the U.S. market below cost. Thus, if the U.S. files a WTO complaint about China's shrimp, it will have to do the same about Vietnam's shrimp. It turns out that China and Vietnam supply about twenty-five percent of America's shrimp, and that domestic producers could not make up the difference. Also, apparently Brazil is trying to increase its share of the U.S. shrimp market. My God, I can't believe I'm writing an entire paragraph about shrimp. I bet this doesn't happen with Everwood. In any case, Jed is concerned that he just told a bunch of shrimpers that he would do something about Chinese shrimp, and now he's being told that there's really nothing to be done. The Secretary of State tells him that he is going to do something -- he's going to raise the issue. Jed: "You know, Teddy, no one outside the State Department thinks that raising the issue and doing something are the same thing."
Bingo Bob and Josh pedeconference. Will trails in their wake like a remora. Bob's telling Josh that he was always a co-sponsor of the flag burning amendment when he was in the House, and that he thinks that in order to remain consistent, he needs to take the same position now. Josh points out that what worked in one House district might not be what you want to focus on in a national race. Bob thinks he has to respond, because "it's the story of the day." I just can't recap this entire conversation. The point of it is to show us that Bingo Bob is an idiot, and that Josh is a political genius. Josh's main point is that Bob should not be jumping on every issue that comes along, even if Governor Bundy jumps on some of them. Bob is the Veep, and that gives him a chance to pick his own issues and set the agenda himself. Or something like that. (We also learn in this conversation that Governor Bundy is scheduled to announce his candidacy in New Hampshire that day.) At the end of the conversation, Russell tells Josh, "Will here has been telling me for a while that you're the guy to run this campaign. Now I see why." By this time, they've arrived at Bob's office, and he has a meeting he needs to go into.
Now Will and Josh pedeconference alone. Will says, "He's not stupid." Josh: "Is that your bumper sticker?" Will thinks Bob is smart enough to take Josh's advice. Josh thinks it was a setup, but Will tells him that Bob really did want to release the statement on the amendment, and Will couldn't talk him out of it: "Once I heard your take on it, it seemed like the perfect time to put you two together." Wasn't Josh's take on the statement that Russell was a disloyal idiot for thinking about releasing it? Will tells Josh that he can write his own ticket, and that he would have full control over the campaign. Josh is surprised that Will doesn't want it, but Will points out that he's never run a national campaign. Josh thinks that both Bundy and Hoynes will destroy Bob in any debates, but Will points out that only Bob will have enough money to stay in a race against Bundy, and that by the time they get to the southern primaries, the Veep will be able to overtake Bundy, who won't "play well in the south." Will knows that Hoynes made an offer to Josh, and wonders if Bundy has also called him. Josh tells Will that "Bruno runs [Bundy's] campaigns." Will tells Josh that if they work together, "you can make him the candidate you want him to be. After that, we make him the president we need him to be." Donna must be practicing her drumming, because there is an ominous timpani sound underneath Will's final speech. Commercials.
Josh walks by Donna's cubicle, asking where Vinick's office is. She tells him, and also tells him that she has Penn and Teller's statement: "You're not gonna love it." As he reads it, she asks him for a few minutes after the Vinick meeting. "For what?" Donna: "For me. For that talk we were gonna have about..." Josh interrupts, reading aloud from Penn and Teller's statement: "The Supreme Court has said that we can do whatever we want with the flag, and..." He asks if the two of them are still there, and walks off.
Penn is standing behind Teller, juggling some fruit around him. He's babbling on about what a great juggler he is, and on every pass, Teller grabs a piece of fruit in his mouth and takes a bite out of it. There's a crowd gathered around them, and Charlie tells them that their trick is "amazing." Oh, Charlie. Josh walks up to them and tells them that their statement is crap, detailing exactly what they need to put into a new statement. One of the things Josh demands is a description of exactly how they did the trick. After he finishes his rant, Penn leans over and introduces himself. He also introduces Teller. You know, if a guy chooses to remain silent in front of an audience, I think it's a big cop-out to walk around with a partner who will speak on his behalf. Josh says, "How ya doing?" to Teller, and Penn says, "He doesn't talk." Josh asks, "Doesn't talk, like Harpo Marx, or really doesn't talk?" Penn: "What's the difference?" Oooooh, deep. Fuckwits. Josh asks them how they did the trick, and Penn laughs and says that they're not going to tell. I was going to call them hypocrites, since they have routinely revealed how other magicians perform their tricks, but they didn't actually rely on the rule against revealing their secrets, so I think the refusal to explain might actually be political. And that's the only nice thing I'll ever say about them. Josh suggests that if they won't reveal what they did, there's nothing to stop Annabeth from releasing a statement asserting that they did not burn a flag. Annabeth points out that a bunch of people saw them burn a flag, or at least think they did. Penn asks Charlie if they burned a flag or just made it disappear. Charlie doesn't know, and Penn says that there is no difference. Josh thinks there is a difference, from a political point of view. This is where Penn goes off on a tear about the First Amendment and the freedom of speech. He may have the right to speak, but nobody is going to force me to report the blowhard's words. Josh asks him if he went to law school. Penn: "No. Clown school." My own dignity requires that I avoid the obvious jokes.
Air Force One. Jed is telling his assembled court that they need to come up with something he can ask China and Vietnam to do about shrimp without causing serious political repercussions. C.J. looks at him and then tells everyone that the President has a phone call to make, so they all need to clear out. After everyone but C.J. has left, Jed asks her why she made up the call. She asks him if he's all right, pointing out that he hasn't had a bite to eat. "I'm not that hungry." She notes that he said he was hungry when he ordered the food. He tells her that he's fine, but thanks her for getting rid of everybody: "Sixteen more hours of that would be a bit much." He asks her to send Millie in, since he doesn't have to talk business with her.
Josh is admitted to Vinick's office by one of his aides. Vinick (Alan Alda) is sitting with his back to the door, shining his shoes. Josh greets him, and Vinick asks, "Shine your own shoes, Josh?" Of course Josh doesn't. I wouldn't be surprised if Donna doesn't do it for him. Vinick says, "My father used to say you can't trust a man who doesn't shine his own shoes." Man, I just bet Vinick is from Crabapple Cove, California. And what does his father have against the shoeshine man? He's trying to earn an honest living, and along comes Vinick Sr., trying to put him out of business. Vinick looks at Josh's shoes and asks him if anybody shines them. Vinick asks how many people in D.C. shine their own shoes, and answers his own question by guessing "none." Josh asks him if that's how many people he trusts, and Vinick says it is. Josh starts to speak, but Vinick interrupts him: "I know what you're thinking. It must be lonely to be this mean old man who doesn't trust anyone. Well, I trust my brother, my four children, my nine grandchildren, and my dog." I really hope there's not a Mrs. Vinick, because if there is, this guy's a total asshole. Vinick suspects that's more people than Josh trusts. Josh says it is. Now Vinick gives a lecture on checks and balances. If you want a recap of it, go read The Federalist Papers. Vinick tells Josh to take a seat.
Millie is speaking with Jed. His tray of food is still sitting untouched in front of him. After a brief discussion of Christmas plans, Jed looks at her and says, "Millie, I can't move my hands." She takes a long pause, and asks him whether it's happened before. He tells her that it's never been both hands before. She moves over to him and checks for sensation in his hands. He has none. She asks him if he wants her to get the flight doctor. Jed: "Not unless it gets worse." She takes a second, and in a matter-of-fact tone says, "Well, I guess I'm gonna have to feed you then, aren't I." Both actors were amazing in this scene, but Martin Sheen in particular nailed the look of a sudden realization that you can no longer take care of yourself. Anyone who's had an older parent or relative go through the loss of physical faculties would recognize it. This scene nearly broke my heart.
Vinick's office. He continues to blather on about checks and balances. Josh says, "Checks are fine; it's the witch hunts I have a problem with." Vinick slides some shoe polish across the table to Josh and tells him, "Pick up a brush. You're not leaving this room with shoes like that." If this guy becomes President, I can just imagine the cabinet meetings. Josh takes off one of his shoes and starts polishing. Vinick tells Josh that his committee is about to start a hearing on some guy named Magrudian, who took a Marine helicopter to play golf in Florida. Josh thinks that's old news, since "it was over a year ago, and we fired the guy." According to my sources, it was more like six (or maybe that should be seven) years ago. But what do I know. Vinick tells him that this is another incident that happened earlier. Josh asks, "Do you really think the American people care about this?" Vinick hopes they don't, but points out that he's got a lot of members of his committee who do: "You think I like investigating high-school stuff like this?" Hey, I hear those high-school investigations can get pretty serious. Vinick tells Josh that the White House should stop serving up stupid mistakes for the zealots on his committee to investigate. In particular, he asks, "Do me a big favor, will you? No more flag burnings in the White House. I've had four nuts demand hearings on that one already." Vinick goes on to tell Josh, "The United States Senate does not investigate what happens at kids' birthday parties. Not as long as I have anything to say about it." Josh asks him whether he's decided whether to run for another term. Vinick tells him that he's flying home that night to make his announcement. "Why, you want to make me a retirement offer?" Josh: "Yeah, I happen to have one on me." Vinick asks him what he has, and Josh offers him the U.N. ambassadorship. Vinick says that it's tempting, but that it's not the job he wants: "The President can't give me the job I want." Josh: "Which one?" Vinick: "His." Josh speaks for the stupidest producer in the world and asks Vinick if he's running for President. Vinick: "Starting tomorrow. You missed a spot on the heel."
Air Force One. Millie is telling C.J. and Toby about Jed's condition. She tells them that if he gets some rest, he might be just fine by the end of the flight. Toby is worried that he might be worse. Millie suggests that if Jed's condition remains the same, there's no reason he couldn't complete the summit without anyone's being the wiser. But C.J. and Toby are both worried that it would be pretty difficult for him to shake hands with anyone, and that if he meets with another head of state and doesn't shake his hand, it would cause an uproar. Millie suggests that they get Abbey on the phone. Toby wonders who else they should call. Milie: "Well, for an MS patient, this is the equivalent of a headache. I mean, who would you want us to call if you had a headache?" C.J. suggests that they should keep it a secret for the time being.
Josh finds Leo still going over documents in C.J.'s old office. Josh wonders if Leo shouldn't be taking it easy. Leo: "I think a two-hour nap qualifies as taking it easy." So, I'm between jobs for a few weeks (woohoo!), and my favorite thing about having the time off is that I get to take a nap every afternoon. Paradise. Leo asks whether Josh got Vinick to accept the ambassadorship, and he quickly figures out that Vinick turned him down: "He's gonna run for another term?" Josh gets all cute and stammery, saying that he's not sure he should tell Leo what happened in light of the recent heart attack. Leo: "Don't worry, you're not gonna shock me into my grave." Josh tells Leo that Vinick is going to run for president, and Leo looks pretty close to that grave after all. Josh thinks that Vinick won't be able to get the nomination, in part because he's too liberal on abortion for the Republican base. Leo is concerned about the amount of money Vinick can raise. Just then, Donna bursts into the office and tells them that Governor Bundy is just that moment announcing that he's not going to run for president.
Out in the pit, Josh joins Will and Donna, who are watching Governor Bundy on the monitors. He's saying that he's decided to keep his promise to the people of Pennsylvania to be "a full-time governor," and his promise to his family to be "a full-time father." Don't forget full-time shoe salesman. Those fat women won't just insult themselves, you know. Will says, "How lucky can we get?" Josh doesn't think Will and Russell will ever get luckier than this. I really hope that's true, because it would mean an unbroken string of failure for Will. And I would enjoy seeing that.
C.J. is telling Jed that Millie wants him to use the remainder of the flight to rest, so she's canceling any other meetings. Just then, Toby sticks his head in to tell Jed that Governor Bundy has pulled out of the race. Jed's interest is naturally piqued, and C.J. admonishes Toby: "Mr. President, this is exactly what we're not going to do. You need to rest, so we're not going to bring you anything you don't need to know immediately. But we mean real rest, not studying briefing books." Jed asks her if she's going to watch him rest, and she threatens to do just that if she has to. He tells her to get out of the office.
Josh and Leo are discussing Bundy's withdrawal from the presidential race. Leo thinks that Bundy's claim of dropping the race for family reasons is bogus. He tells Josh that Bundy and Vinick are very close, and have been ever since Bundy was a Senate staffer during Vinick's first term. Josh doesn't think friendship would trump ambition, but Leo wonders whether Bundy thought "that it's not worth winning the Democratic nomination this time it if it means he has to run against Vinick in the general." Josh is still certain that Vinick could never get the nomination because he's not conservative enough. They both figure that, with Bundy out of the race, either Bingo Bob or Hoynes will get the Democratic nomination. As for who will get the Republican nomination, Leo thinks it's wide open: "They've been out of power for eight years and they're desperate. Probably why Vinick thinks he has a shot." Josh still doesn't think that's likely, but Leo tells them that Vinick is an amazing campaigner. He'll "sound smarter and more honest than any Republican [the voters] have ever seen. Because he is." Just so it's clear that all the other Republicans are lying morons. They both realize that if Vinick wins the Republican nomination, he's liable to win California in the general election. Which means there is no way a Democrat could beat him. Commercials.
Open on a monitor showing Vinick making his announcement. We switch back and forth between a monitor in Josh's office and the live announcement. He gives a short and not that interesting speech, and then takes questions. Vinick's asked whether he's conservative enough to get the Republic nomination. Vinick: "I think I'm Republican enough." He rebuffs a couple of questions concerning the flag burning incident, and eventually says that the incident "is a perfect demonstration of what the President is flying halfway around the world to teach the Chinese government -- the meaning of freedom." Donna has joined Josh in his office: "You have a year to talk me out of voting for him."
Air Force One. The pilot (over that very clear P.A. system) announces that they've reached cruising altitude and are about to start their flight over the Pacific. The lights are out, and people seem to be settling in for some sleep. Kate finds C.J. and tells her that there is a situation in South Korea. They enter the President's office. The lights are out, and he's lying down. C.J. apologizes for disturbing him and tells him that South Korea has just admitted to an illegal attempt to enrich uranium. While she speaks, Jed raises his head a couple of times but doesn't move otherwise. C.J. tells him that he will need to speak to the South Korean president to pressure him to stop the experiments -- otherwise, the U.S. will have no leverage in trying to get China to rein in North Korea. She picks up the phone and asks for a secure line to the South Korean president. Jed tells her to hold on, and then says, "I can't move."
Cut to a couple of people carrying Jed on a stretcher to the...I don't know...the infirmary, I guess. Millie is filling the flight doctor in on Jed's condition, and someone is suggesting diverting the flight either to Fairbanks or to Anchorage. Jed calls out, "I've got better doctors up here than I'd get down there." I understand some Alaskans got their panties in a twist over that line. I didn't know they were so sensitive up in the wild north. C.J. starts to say that they can't take the risk that his condition could get worse without hospital care, and Jed tells her, "Let's not pretend we didn't know this was going to happen." C.J. looks at him, and then over at Toby, as she says, "No, Mr. President, I didn't know." Jed tells them all that he's ready for it, so they had better be ready for it too. C.J. thinks there is no way they can continue with the summit with Jed in this condition, but he disagrees: "This plane is going to China. That's a direct order from your Commander-in-Chief." Millie tells everyone to clear the room so that the doctors can run some tests. I have to say, I hope that Air Force One has been staffed with a doctor who is highly knowledgeable about MS. I mean, that would be the logical thing, right?
Josh is sitting on a bench on the White House verandah. It's raining, and there is some thunder in the background. How come it never rains on this show when someone is really happy? Will walks up and hands Josh some new polling data. Apparently, Bingo Bob has moved up sixteen points since Bundy withdrew. Will invites Josh to come by a breakfast for some new campaign staff the day: "It doesn't commit you to anything. You can just be a fly on the wall, if you want. See how it feels." I cannot believe they passed up an opportunity to use the words "in the room" one more time. Lazy writers. Josh declines the invitation. Will is frustrated with Josh's reticence: "This isn't a Broadway show, Josh. We don't just close it down after a successful eight-year run. You have to care who's gonna sit in that chair after Jed Bartlet is gone." Josh: "I do. That's why I don't want Bob Russell to be president." The plaintive woodwinds of, I don't know, political idealism start tooting as Will gets up and leaves Josh alone in the rain.
C.J, Toby, and Kate are meeting on Air Force One. C.J. is hoping that the doctors can convince Jed to land in order to receive medical care. Toby thinks that would be the end of Jed's presidency: "We'd be saying he can't do the job anymore." C.J. agrees with me that Toby's full of shit: "We'd just be saying he's sick; we'll go back to China when he feels up to it." Toby thinks that would be like declaring that Jed was a part-time president: "He can only do the job when he feels up to it!" He was yelling on that last bit. Isn't this plane full of reporters? And I have to agree with C.J. Is it a national disaster every time a President has to cancel something because he's got the flu? And goodness knows, the nation has survived the last four years with a part-time president. Kate pipes up and tells C.J. that if they cancel, the Chinese government might not believe them, but instead might think they are canceling the summit because the South Koreans were caught engaging in nuclear experiments. Toby realizes that they will need to fully disclose Jed's condition, and that Millie should give the press a briefing as soon as the medical facts were determined. C.J.is a step ahead of him: "He knew. That's why the Surgeon General's on the flight. He wanted her here to do the briefing. He knew he was having problems, he knew this might happen." Kate expositions that they're just three hours away from Beijing, and that if they are going to turn around, the pilot will need to figure out where they can refuel. Just then, a youngish woman (the flight doctor, perhaps?) enters the room and tells them that Jed wants to see them.
The three of them enter the infirmary, and immediately Jed starts to tell them that he just got off the phone with President Wang of South Korea, and that everything concerning the nuclear experiment has been cleared up. For most of Jed's speech, Millie is standing in front of him, blocking him from sight. Once we finally see him, we see that he is sitting up in a chair, with an IV bag hanging on a pole. C.J. has a hesitant look on her face. When Jed tells her to set up a quick briefing for the press on the plane, she starts to ask him if he's feeling better, but she can't seem to get the words out. He reaches forward with his left hand and tells them, "My left hand is back. I still have no feelings in my legs, and my right arm's in no shape to be shaking hands in China." Toby asks him if he's in pain. Jed: "I'm fine, so long as I don't attempt any superhuman feat, like, say, writing my name." He suggests that they get started with the briefing, pointing out that the flag burning story will likely be killed by the whole MS thing. As he discusses the briefing, he moves his right hand several times. Some folks have suggested that this was a slip on Sheen's part, but I don't think it's inconsistent with the description he gave of his condition. He tells them that he's "just going to tell them that the President of the United States will be working from a wheelchair again." C.J. asks, "'Again'?" I don't believe that I'm going to cut the writers some slack, but I think this lapse is completely understandable in light of the stress and heightened emotions that C.J. must be experiencing. In any case, Toby whispers over to her, "FDR." Once Toby reminds Jed that Roosevelt died in office, he decides that he might skip the comparison. Jed calls over to someone who just entered the room and tells him (or her, I couldn't see) to bring "it" over here. Whoever it is sets a folded wheelchair down with a loud clanking sound. Jed asks C.J., "How much you wanna bet I can get 'em to ask me a question about South Korea?" C.J. looks a bit stunned, and then gamely responds, "How much you got?"
C.J. opens the curtain to coach, also known as the press section of the plane. The lights are just turning on. She apologizes for waking them, but tells them that Jed has an announcement. Someone starts to wheel Jed down the corridor to the press section, but he says, "No, I'll take it from here." And then with superhuman grit and determination, he wheels himself down the corridor. I join with the many, many people who called bullshit on this scene. I get that they wanted to show how much Jed needed to be seen as being able to take care of himself, but if we're to believe that his right arm is too weak to shake hands, I just don't buy the wheelchair bit. Not to mention that with the IV stuck in the back of his hand, any kind of movement would be extraordinarily painful. In any case, he makes his way to the press section, and we hear C.J. announce, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States." Fade to black.