By Deborah
Previously on The West Wing: POTUS lawyered up; Josh learned about Amy's study of balloon-animal-making; Leo convinced Jed they have to off Shareef.
Stackhouse, Amy, and a woman named Susan (Hey! It's Mad About You's Debbie Buchman!) appear to be coming out of another meeting at which there seems to have been some to-do. It hardly matters, since of these three, one we'll probably never see again, another we'll mostly hear about, and then there's Amy (anybody's guess). Susan and Amy seem to be at odds over strategy. Susan apologizes; Stackhouse -- who looks different than I remember; thinner, maybe, and younger somehow -- asks Amy if she accepts. Amy says that the apology was for him. Susan says that's right, and tells Amy, "Look, I believe in this particular case, on this particular point, you're the servant of two masters." Amy: "And as sexy as that possibility sounds, it's just not true, Susan." Susan is referring to Amy's relationship with Josh Lyman -- and C.J., and FLOTUS, and POTUS. And Howard? That's one seriously kinky arrangement. Whatever floats your boat down the Potomac, I suppose. Stackhouse wants to return to the issue: "I'm going out of my mind with you two!" Aw, wimmen! Sheesh.
Everyone sits down. Susan wants Stackhouse to call for federal funding of needle exchange in the five cities with the highest incidence of AIDS: "[Writchie] is giving you a perfect opening." This is apparently happening at the AMA, and Writchie's sent a copy of his text in advance. Stackhouse wants to know what Writchie's going to say. Susan reads, "'We ought to begin and end with abstinence.'" Yeah, because that's been working out really well. She continues, "'We ought to begin and end with personal responsibility.'" Things are especially good on that front, too. "'I'm appalled by inner-city programs that hand out clean needles to junkies and dope-doers in the name of AIDS prevention. And I will fight for a national law to end them.'" Maybe that moron Writchie would like to spend a few years working in an AIDS hospice, like some of us have, before he shoots his mouth off about things like that. Or actually talk to people involved in needle-exchange programs. Such programs are not perfect, but they're better than the alternative in more ways than one. I know he's just a straw man TV character but man, what a dumb shit. Stackhouse wants Amy's opinion. She says they're baiting the hook, which is why Writchie's people sent the text at all. Stackhouse: "But didn't I get in it to talk about things like this? Why not take the bait?" Amy explains that the bait is for Bartlet: Writchie wants Stackhouse to respond so that POTUS has to. Susan's annoyed; she thought the goal was to talk about issues that aren't being discussed, "not run pass blocking for the President!" Stackhouse thinks Susan has a point. He sees an opportunity to get into a debate: "If it was just me, nobody would be listening." Susan tells Amy, somewhat snottily, "I don't know why you think the Committee to Re-Elect needs us to protect them. And if Writchie's strategy is what you say it is, won't Josh Lyman figure that out in five minutes?" Amy says that Donna will figure it out in five minutes; Josh in half that time. Well, I guess now we know she thinks Josh is exactly twice as sharp as Donna. I think on several fronts that's debatable. Stackhouse: "Really?" Amy says it might take a little longer because the Mets lost last night and Josh will need to focus. Oh, goody! Sports!
Cut to Josh at his desk, reading the paper and bitching to Donna about the Mets. He blathers on with a lot of Monday-morning shortstopping or whatever the baseball metaphor should be. She makes sympathetic noises and asks if he wants to see the wires. He rants some more. Donna: "It makes me nutsy." She tells him the wires are as follows: the latest on the Iowa standoff; final recommendations from the debate commission; and Writchie's comments to the AMA, which just ended. Josh asks for the AMA document, and Donna reminds him that he has a meeting with senior staff. Josh stands and dons his jacket, waxing on about how there comes a day when every man realizes he's never going to become a major-league ball player. Donna: "And you're just having that day today?" Josh is. He adds some more baseball yatter. Josh starts reading the AMA proceedings and trails off. Donna: "What is it?" Josh: "I know how Writchie's going to win this election." He walks off to his meeting.
Friday morning. Press briefing. C.J.'s been asked a question about the upcoming Red Mass. She says it's at 10:00 at the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception. She adds: "Which is also what they called my dorm room at college." I dunno, I have trouble imagining a savvy Press Secretary saying something like that. I have trouble imagining a male Press Secretary saying anything like that either. But I'm sure that's just me. I don't think that a press briefing should double as a standup routine. She takes a question from Katie, who wants to know when C.J. anticipates the debate issue being settled. I think Katie should get a storyline. All she ever gets to do is ask questions. I'm sure she has hopes, dreams, fears, loves...oh, whatever. C.J. says that the President thinks the more debates, the merrier. So far Writchie's trying to bargain Bartlet down from five debates to two; they're waiting for the Commission to make its recommendation. Katie also wants to know what they would consider a debate win for the President. C.J.: "At this point, participating in one would be a victory." Another reporter asks the same question again. C.J. answers, "Two hundred and seventy electoral votes." The reporter presses her, but C.J. just sidesteps and ends the briefing.
Out in the hall, C.J. runs into Sam and announces, "I know how Writchie's gonna win this election." Sam does too, but he wants to hear her way. C.J.: "Overcoming perversely low expectations. What's your way?" Sam: "By getting the President to run the Stackhouse campaign." She asks what happened. Sam says he's taking her to the meeting.
Jed and Leo are in the Oval Office. They're yapping cryptically about something that sounds like a budget-related matter -- probably the tuition exemption. Charlie brings in the senior staff. Leo: "Toby, Josh, Merry Christmas. He says let's line up the validators." Jed: "And update our résumés." Leo: "Sam, that'll be you." Toby says he can do it. Leo says, "Stay on debate prep." Jed looks at Josh and says, "What? You're doing 'the face.'" Josh describes Writchie's remarks about needle-exchange programs and abstinence and personal responsibility. Toby would like someone to ask Writchie whether he's aware that needle exchange costs $9,000 for every infection stopped, while treating a person with HIV costs $200,000. I would like that, too. Toby adds, "I would like someone to ask him where the responsibility was in the paraphernalia laws that made it a crime for someone to buy or carry a syringe which is why addicts share infected needles in the first place." Well, that's not the only reason. Leo: "All done?" Toby: "For the moment." Josh says it's only an issue if Stackhouse responds. Sam: "Will he?" Josh doesn't know. Leo, impatiently, "Will he?" Josh doesn't know, but says that if he does, they can't come out for it, because Bruno thinks that will put three states back into play. C.J. says Ohio and Michigan, and Josh adds Maine. Jed: "They've always been iffy about me in Maine, I don't know why." Josh: "It's a mystery, sir." He adds that he can't come out against needle exchange, either: "You'll alienate..." Jed: "Heroin addicts?" Josh: "Liberals." Aw, same difference. Jed says whatever, worry about it if Stackhouse pipes up. Josh says okay, but warns that he'll be very worried if that happens. Jed asks whether there's anything else. Nope. The meeting breaks up.
Toby and C.J. pedeconference. Toby, bless his heart, is still on the needle exchange: "I'd like someone to ask him about the responsibility in cutting the drug treatment that would eliminate needle-related HIV. Half of all people who get infected by HIV are getting infected by the needle. I'd like someone to ask him how he thinks the personal responsibility plan's going so far." C.J. says she'll get on it, but she wants to talk about the debates. By now, they're back in Toby's office. He tells her that, when she mentions that they want five debates, she should say what they are: "One on the economy, one on foreign policy, with another on global threats and national security, one on the environment, and one on strengthening family life, which would include health care, education, and retirement. I also think there should be one on parts of speech and sentence structure, and one on fractions." Now, that I'd like to see. C.J., mildly: "Is there any chance that I'm going to get an opportunity to speak in this conversation, or are you just writing out loud?" Toby offers an adorably sheepish smile: "I didn't even know you were in the room." C.J. tells him she's absolutely terrified that they're going to lose the expectations game: "I can't believe how many times I get asked what would be a win in the debates. At this point I feel like if -- and only if -- Writchie accidentally lights his podium on fire does the President have a fighting chance." Toby disagrees. C.J. insists she's right: "If the whole thing is, 'he can't tie his shoelaces' and it turns out he can, then that is the ballgame." Toby believes it will take more than that. C.J.: "Not much more."
Josh asks Donna what she's doing tomorrow; she's going bike riding, then meeting friends for lunch, then getting a manicure. Josh thinks that sounds great: "If only you were actually doing all those things." Josh wants her to attend a seminar given by some multi-billionaire, self-help guru named Teddy Tomba who's been advising Writchie. Donna's registration's already been paid. He hands her the brochure. Josh is looking for material with which to embarrass Writchie for consulting with Tomba. Donna: "That lacks a certain nobility of purpose, doesn't it?" Josh doesn't think so. He tells her to write down any key slogans or philosophies. Donna: "They'll probably be on a t-shirt, won't they?" Josh agrees they probably will, and says she knows what he's looking for. She wonders if she should go in disguise. Josh: "As what?" Donna: "Somebody who would go to one of these things?" He tells her to meet him at the office when she's done. She gives him a glare as she walks away.
Leo and Israeli Foreign Minister Ben Yosef (played by Malachi Throne) are having a photo op as the Minister presents Leo with various things. Shaking Leo's hand as cameras flash, Ben says, "In addition to being a good friend to Israel, Leo McGarry of course is the most Jewish man most of us have ever met." The Minister continues, pulling a folded yarmulke from his pocket, "For that, he gets this yarmulke, which has been crumpled up in my coat pocket since a wedding in 1962." Heh. "For everything else, the Medal of David." Leo thanks him and says, "A thousand dead relatives in Scotland just started crying." He gestures with the yarmulke as he tucks it in his pocket, where it will stay until he finds it at Mallory's wedding to Sam. Scotland? That Leo, he's just a good old Scottish-Irish-Jewish-Catholic from Boston/Chicago. we'll find out he's half-Chinese. Maybe Muslim. (Oh, isn't that a knee-slapper!) Leo tells the photographers that they're late for lunch. Must be Milos making the potato salad.
Leo and Ben pedeconference through the hall, which is filled with all sorts of people walking around, taking care of business. Ben wants to know what the hell is going on: "I'm reading Shareef is alive in Libya. That's you people, right?" Isn't this a fairly sensitive conversation? I mean, maybe they don't have to go to the Situation Room for it, but Leo's office at least? Any place with a closed door? Leo mutters, "We're thinking of starting our own tabloid." As they round a corner, Ben asks what's going on at the "house in Idaho." Leo: "Iowa?" Ben: "Which one's the potatoes?" Leo: "Idaho." Leo says they've had the place surrounded for eleven days and they're trying to negotiate a surrender. Ben asks about their supplies and how long they can last. Leo: "These people live to be well supplied, Ben. It's their first love." Leo confirms that there are kids in there. Leo says he's got to talk to him about something. Someone walks by and greets Leo. Ben comments that that person is very young to be working here. Leo says it was probably an intern. Not sure what that exchange was about.
Leo and Ben enter a room where it looks like a reception is going on, and stay near the door. Leo quietly tells Ben that Qumar is ready to announce that Israel took down Shareef's plane. Ben says they knew it was coming. Leo says it's come, but that he has to put it off at least another week. Maybe Jordan's still dithering. Ben says that Israel has to deny the accusation immediately. Leo doesn't want it to come out at all; he wants it to wait another week. Ben: "And what are you asking Israel to give up, in order to get them to delay accusing us of something we didn't do?" Leo: "Ben." Ben: "I'm just saying, tell me." Leo says, "You're planning to attack two Qumari training bases..." Ben interrupts, "Yes, sir!" Leo: "Don't." Ben says it's out of the question. Leo says that if they hold off, Fitzwallace can get the Qumari Defence Minister to have the Sultan hold off a week. Ben: "Leo, look at what's happening. They're getting you to pull us back by continuing this preposterous lie. We're not the ones playing skeet shoot with their cabinet!" Leo: "No, no, Ben. I think we're in this one together." Ben hesitates, and then apologizes for his remark. Leo asks when he's flying back; Ben says right after lunch. Leo: "You can fly on the Sabbath?" Ben: "If I have to." Thank God for religious dispensation. Leo: "You'll take it to the Prime Minister?" Ben: "Leo, you know what you're doing? You're advising the President well?" Leo says that a number of people are advising the President. Ben says he's only asking because "right now, we're losing." Leo asks again if he'll take it to the Prime Minister. Ben will. They head for canapés.
Saturday. Josh is at Stackhouse's office for a meeting with a bunch of people, including Amy and Stackhouse himself. Stackhouse is telling Josh about his nephew in Phoenix who's got his pilot's license and whose big fear isn't crashing -- it's getting lost in the desert. Stackhouse says he bought five gallons of water, a super-powered flashlight, and a thing that makes pancakes. Josh: "And now he's on every survivalist's mailing list." He is? Where's the guy shopping? I mean, Frink and I have bought all that stuff and thus far we've managed to escape the notice of survivalists. Actually, Frink would probably seriously get into a lot of their gear and gadgets but wouldn't care too much for the politics of the typical survivalist. Josh says that the pipe-bomb suspects are well supplied but not endlessly supplied: "We can wait 'em out." Everyone sits down; there are about ten people at the meeting. Stackhouse is at the head of the table, with Josh on his right and Amy across from him on his left. Josh says he was told to take flying lessons because it would relax him, but he doesn't think that would work. Stackhouse: "No, Josh, I think you of all people shouldn't fly things." Amy smiles at this. For reasons best known to her, and leaving even God in the dark, she's seen fit to sweep her hair around her head into a ratty, asymmetrical ponytail behind her left ear. Because her hair is cut in kind of choppy layers to begin with, the tail part is just...well, I can't believe they let her go on set looking like this. I've seen neglected horses with nicer tails. I don't get it. I think Mary-Louise Parker is pretty, but it's like they go out of their way to make her unattractive on this show. ["Well, you know how those women's libbers hate to look pretty for men. They don't even wear brassieres, for Pete's sake!" -- Wing Chun] The hairstylist must be a Josh-and-Donna 'shipper. Amy's also wearing a pink jacket and a black top that shows a bit of cleavage. And probably some Bad Idea jeans, for all I know. Stackhouse says that Josh brought the big guns. Josh: "Senator, not having any guns of my own..." Josh introduces Congressman John Baxley, Senators Jackson and White, and Secretaries Weaver and Keaton. Stackhouse introduces Susan Thomas and "Amelia" Gardner. "Amelia," is it now? I wonder if she'll veer back and forth, between Amelia and, I don't know what, Amethyst? Like Amanda/Madeleine Hampton did. Actually, I'm not sure why her name isn't just Mandy 2: Electric Boogaloo. Josh gives Amy an uncomfortable look. Maybe he's bugged to find out at this late stage that her name is Amelia. Maybe he's just embarrassed to ever have been involved with someone who would publicly appear with that 'do.
Anyway, Baxley says it's getting difficult for BFA staff to plan strategy without knowing exactly when Stackhouse is going to drop out and endorse the President. Stackhouse wants to know what hour would be best for him: "I'm inconveniencing one of my opponents?" Baxley's trying to be serious. He says he's happy Stackhouse didn't respond on needle exchange. Josh glances at Amy. Stackhouse says, "I haven't responded on needle exchange." Baxley repeats that he's happy about it. Stackhouse clarifies that that doesn't mean he won't. Another Big Gun wants to know what Stackhouse is thinking. Susan: "Regarding what, Jason? This doesn't need to be tedious?" It doesn't? Groovy. Does that mean I can leave? Jason Big Gun says their understanding was that Stackhouse was going to drop out and support POTUS before the first debate. Susan: "Have we had the first debate?" Big Gun says no, but since the Sullivan decision, things are murkier. Another Big Gun says that Stackhouse didn't get into this to hurt the President. Stackhouse says he got in it to raise issues. Jason Big Gun is all for that. Stackhouse: "As long as I don't in any way speak." Maybe you could do mime. People love mimes. Josh interrupts to say that now that he has them all sitting down, he'll be right outside the door. He goes into the lounge across the hall and puts down his knapsack.
A young woman -- who could not be channelling Janie from The American President more if she tried -- comes to Charlie's desk asking if he needs her. Anthony's sitting there sullenly in a chair. Charlie asks the woman to take some documents to the Staff Secretary's office -- things that need to be signed today. He warns her that they're going to try to give her a whole stack of stuff: "And right there's where you become a man, Emily." Emily: "Should I use sex as a tactic?" Come on. You have got to be kidding me with this dialogue. Who talks like this? Charlie: "If you need to. Hell, even if you just want to." He asks her to copy some information in a file he hands her. She starts doing that, and Charlie sits at his desk. He asks Anthony if he wants to know what he's doing. Anthony just wants to know how long it's going to take. Charlie doesn't know. Anthony says he's leaving. Charlie: "Okay. See ya." To Emily: "Can you get me Mrs. Toscano at Social Services?" Hey, Gina left the Secret Service to be a social worker? Hmm. Maybe it's her mom. Emily says she'll be back in a few minutes.
Anthony makes a face and sits down again. Anthony: "It makes you feel like something, huh? That you've got power over me?" Charlie replies that, in about two minutes, Sam's going to come in there and tell him that the speech he's writing for Red Mass isn't going well, and ask him to read it for him: "And you think you're what makes me feel like something?" Anthony: "What's Red Mass?" Charlie: "I didn't hear you." Anthony repeats his question more loudly. Charlie explains that the Supreme Court convenes on the first Monday in October; the day before, there's a Mass held for the members of the Court, which the Cabinet, Congress, and President attend. Anthony: "What about church and state?" Charlie: "You know, I swear to God I can't hear you when you speak. Can you help me?" I don't think Anthony's mumbling all that much, but clearly Charlie does. Either that or he's training Anthony for a career in auctioneering. Which I understand can be quite lucrative. Or maybe it's just more of this lather-rinse-repeat dialogue that's slowly driving me around the bend. Anthony says that you're not supposed to "do" church and state. Charlie wants to know who told him that. Anthony says it's the law. Charlie: "What law?" Anthony's exasperated: "All right, you like to slap me, 'cause that's your power thing. So I'll sit here and not say nothing." He sighs and tries again: "The law, separation of church and state." Charlie asks again who told Anthony that. Anthony insists that Charlie knows exactly what Anthony's talking about: "The government and the church are not supposed to do...they're not supposed to be the same thing." Charlie: "And you think there's a law?" Anthony insists there is. Charlie wants to know what kind. Anthony: "What the hell..." Charlie: "City, state, federal?" Anthony doesn't know, but he knows there's a law. Charlie says, "Prove it." He hands Anthony a copy of the Constitution and walks out.
Out in the hall, Sam asks Charlie to look at his speech. He doesn't want to show it to Toby yet. "Would you mind reading it for me and then hitting me in the head with a fairway wood?" And yes, I know that's a baseball bat. You don't need to email me about it. Ha! Gotcha. I know it's actually a cricket bat. Kidding. Golf, all right? Sam walks off, and we follow him toward his office, where he runs into a woman he greets as Janet. "Or Jeanette, as I sometimes like to call you." He pronounces it the French way. She replies, "Sometimes I like to call you 'cupcake,' is that okay?" Sam: "Totally!" I think it would be more fun to call him Shmuley, myself, but whatever. Let's compromise on SchmutzyPants. She wants to talk about the tuition-deductibility thing. He asks whether she had a leadership briefing. She says she did, and that she's so happy, she swears she could dance in a musical. Sam says that'd be a tough ticket to get. Janet thinks it's wonderful, and assumes it has to have been Sam's idea. Sam says that Josh and Toby came up with it, but that he can see how she'd think otherwise: "It does have the flavour of me, the insouciance." He says he has to line up validators. That's apparently why she's there. "You are the third-ranking non-male member of the minority on Ways and Means." Wow, that and what, ten dollars will get you a mochachocolattayaya at some coffee chain? Sam says that economists will say it's good policy and college presidents will talk about shrinking financial-aid budgets. Janet wants to know where Sam wants her. He says, "Sunday mornings. I'll make you a book. Congratulations, Jeanette." They get up, and she says she'll do her best. He says her best is very good. Janet mentions that she just heard Horton Wilde is in the hospital with a heart attack. Sam doesn't know who Horton Wilde is, so he talks about Thornton Wilder. Janet says she's talking about California. Sam: "'Cause if Thornton Wilder had a heart attack, that'd be remarkable news." She explains that Wilde is the Democrat running in the 47th, and she can believe Sam doesn't know who he is. Sam: "Has a Democrat won the California 47th in the last hundred years?" Janet: "No." Sam: "That's how." Janet suggests that, maybe, when the Democrats are in power, if they paid a little more attention... Sam: "To Orange County? What kind?" Janet: "Knowing the candidate's name, say." She says this was Wilde's fourth heart attack. Sam thinks for a second and asks, "The Democrats have nominated someone who's had three heart attacks?" Janet says yes. Sam: "And you think I don't care enough about...what kind of signal does this send to...I have to talk...No, this isn't going to be a part of my life." Janet says, "Wow, you just did a whole thing all by yourself." At the moment I can't remember where it's from, but I'm sure I've recapped this line before. Sam says he does that. Janet thanks him and leaves.
Situation Room. It must be hard for Fitz and Leo to get their "alone time" these days what with one incident after another requiring the constant use of this room. Freakin' Qumar. Leo wants to rent an apartment, but Fitz isn't sure he's ready for that commitment. Jed asks, "Why do we think the boy is sick?" Mike Casper says that their thermal scan shows no movement in the last eight hours of daylight. Apparently, the kid has congestive heart failure and needs medication, or he'll die. Mike says that going by the last prescription that was filled, they've been out of medication for six days. The guy to Casper says they feel the only way to save the boy is to abandon their plan and take the house immediately. Jed asks how they do it. Casper says they blow a hole in the wall with C-4, and twelve men storm the house wearing specially made goggles and earplugs. Jed wants to know why. Casper explains they're going to throw flash bangs, which are the size of a grenade and make a deafening sound while releasing a flash seven times brighter than the sun, instead of spraying shrapnel. I call up my husband so we can chat about explosives for a while. Frink tells me a lot of technical jazz about explosives and assures me that flash bangs are impressive. Jed looks at Leo: "You hear that?" As usual with Jed, there's the slightest tinge of glibness to his tone. Leo, dead freaking serious: "I've seen them." Jed's getting to be a real argument for requiring actual military experience in a Commander-in-Chief, I must say. Jed ascertains that everyone at the table is in agreement with this plan. Everyone looks expectantly at Jed. He says they should do it: "Let's get the kid. Good luck, everybody." They all leave, while Jed and Leo stay in the room. Leo seems preoccupied, and Jed asks him what's going on. Leo says it's nothing, but sniffles, then tearfully confesses that he just doesn't understand how to get Fitz to commit to their relationship. Okay, he says that he was thinking about something Ben Yosef said yesterday. (Which was: "Leo, you're too good for him...come with me to Israel...you could convert....")
Amelia Bedelia comes into the lounge where Josh is reading a paper while he waits. Probably still stewing about organized sports. She goes to the coffee maker and says hello. Josh says, "Hellooo," staring at his paper. He asks, "Is Susan Thomas...?" Amy: "Trouble?" Josh: "A pain in the ass?" Amy asks what he thinks of Stackhouse. Josh says he's always liked him: "I'd vote for him, too, but he's not on the ballot in Connecticut...or twenty-two other states. Perhaps I should vote in New York or California, where's he's polling at 4%." Amy: "Of likely voters." Josh does the "I'm sorry?" thing so that Amy can remind him those polls sample likely voters: "When a third candidate gets elected, it's going to be by unlikely voters." Josh folds his newspaper in irritation and asks, "And why is that good? Why are we eager...Why are we encouraging a group of people who are so howl-at-the-moon, lazy-ass stupid that they can't bring themselves to raise their hands? Why is it important that they be brought into the process?" Amy's sitting down a little way away from Josh now and tells him he should stop being mad at her. He says he's not. She says he is: "You know, I lost my job because of a strategy you organized." Josh stands up and walks toward her, saying, "You lost your job in a fashion that ensured you ninety-three better offers." Amy replies, "That's sweet of you to look out for me, but I liked the job I had." Actually, I think she just misses her Aeron chair. I know I would. She continues, "And when I lost it, I didn't pitch anything. I didn't stage a nutty. I fought you, I lost, I had a drink, I took a shower. 'Cause that's how it is in the NBA." Give or take a cell phone or two. "You know what I do when I win? Two drinks! I didn't start consulting with Stackhouse to piss you off. There are things here I believe in." She stands up. "I didn't come out here to piss you off, either. I wanted to tell you that if the Senator responds on needle exchange, the President shouldn't take the bait." Josh: "No kidding." Amy can see she's not getting anywhere with him, so she says she's going back in. She pauses at the door so that Josh can tell her that Stackhouse is taking the President's votes. Amy opens the door and rests her face against the edge, saying, "Listen, I'm not indifferent to your situation, but that right there, that's the crazy part of your argument." Josh wants to know why. Amy: "They're not his votes." She and her Ponytail of Doom wander off.
After the commercial, Josh returns to the office to find Donna poring over a book. She barely acknowledges him. He asks her how the seminar was. She looks up and says, "It was...I don't know. It was...I don't...I don't think...maybe I'm not ready to talk about it yet." Josh, puzzled: "What was...?" Donna says, "It was a transforming...no, that's the wrong word. We are not 'transformed,' we 'locate the light switch.' I own myself, Josh. You don't mind if I say that out loud at frequent intervals with no provocation for a little while, do you?" Actually, considering the control Josh exercises over your schedule, Donna, he probably does. Josh asks why. Donna explains, "Because I live my life out loud." Josh: "You're reading the book?" Donna: "The Owner's Manual." Josh: "Are you serious?" She stands up, saying, "No, you idiot. I need a shower!" She slams the book down, walks over to her purse, and takes out some lip stuff: "I've got, like, radioactive stuff all over me!" Apparently a lot of people thought this was just great and were totally fooled by Donna, but I thought you could see this coming a mile away. Josh replies, "And you call me a snob?" Donna: "Please. It was like a meeting of the There But For The Grace Of God Society." She paints her lower lip. Josh: "Anybody ask you out?" Donna: "Shut up."
Donna follows Josh into his office as he asks her for a report. She complains that this is cheap. Josh, looking at The Owner's Manual, agrees, "I'll say." Donna's talking about checking out Tumba: "So the guy's consulted for Writchie. He's a buffoon, but he's harmless." "Buffoon" is an excellent word. I may have mentioned that in a recap. Donna wants to know why it should be part of the campaign. Josh says it's not harmless in an American president. Donna says that Tumba said nothing wrong or objectionable, unlike the guy named Fern sitting to her. Josh asks her to open Tumba's book to any page. She does.
Josh and Donna sit down. It's an order form for Owning Yourself, follow-up to his book (Donna: "Leasing Yourself"), so Josh picks the and reads about how it's good to be trapped in a corner, because that's when you act. I can see from the cover that this book seems to be called Connecting With Your Self. I thought this was The Owner's Manual. I'm confused, but I don't much care. Donna says that's true. Josh agrees, adding: "In my case, it's the only time that I do." Donna wants to know what the big deal is. Josh: "It's Immanuel Kant! 'Duty! Sublime and mighty name, that embraces nothing charming or insinuating but requires submission.' Every year a million freshman philosophy students read that sentence..." Donna: "And change their major?" Maybe she could give them some pointers on that front. Didn't she change hers, like, five times? Josh: "You just got a mouthful of wise-ass today, don'tcha?" Donna says she located the light switch. Josh: "Could you locate it again?" Donna says he cribbed Kant; is that what you're supposed to do? Josh says it comes from a 193-page book called A Critique of Practical Reason which is about metaphysics and epistemology: "Tomba's impressively boiled it down to two-thirds of one page." He asks Donna for another example. She says, "'Look outside the cave.'" He says that's from Plato's Republic: "Luckily, Tomba's been able to fit it on a fortune cookie so it suits the attention span of the Republican nominee." He then says that Tomba quotes Robert Frost: "'Good fences make good neighbours.'" Josh wants to know what he said about that. Donna says he told them that if they stay in their personal space, they'll end up getting along fine with everyone. Josh says, "You had to study modern poetry. Is that what Frost meant?" Donna says he meant that boundaries are what alienate us from each other, and that he was being ironic.
Josh asks Donna what it reminds her of. I don't know about her, but I've just remembered I have some handwashing in the bathroom sink. Seriously, I hope all this fuss about Tomba is going somewhere in a later storyline. Josh tosses the book on the desk and says, with a mild twangy accent, "'I believe in hope, not fear.' 'I'm a leader, not a politician.' 'It's time for an American leader.' 'America's earned a change.' 'I before E except after C!' It's the fortune-cookie candidacy! These are important thinkers, and understanding them can be very useful and it's not ever going to happen at a four-hour seminar. When the President's got an embassy surrounded in Haiti, or a keyhole photograph of a heavy water reactor, or any of the fifty life-and-death matters that walk across his desk every day...I don't know if he's thinking about Immanuel Kant or not. I doubt it, but if he does, I am comforted in my certainty that he is doing his best to reach for all of it and not just the McNuggets. Is it possible we would be willing to require any less of the person sitting in that chair? The low road? I don't think it is." Donna, duly sermonized, says she'll go through the book and trace stuff back. Josh: "And make sure you..." She snaps, "I said I'd do it, Buckminster!" Hey, now. Don't take Bucky's name in vain. He's one of my heroes. Josh plops down in his seat and says, "'A guy named Fern'?" She says not to talk to her about that. Josh asks if she's sure it wasn't Vern. She's sure. He asks her to let him know when the report gets in. She leaves, glaring at him over her shoulder.
Sam arrives in Leo's office, noticing that one of his office doors doesn't work. He asks if Leo knows who Horton Wilde is. Leo thinks the name is familiar. Leo remembers that he's running in Orange County. Sam tells him Wilde's in the hospital with a heart attack. Leo says he's sorry to hear it, and that they'll send something. Sam says it's Wilde's fourth heart attack: "In the Idaho 2nd we're running a guy who lost the race for city council. In the Texas 22nd our candidate's an electrical engineer who paid his filing fee by dumping the cash out of a cigar box." So only well-heeled lawyers and millionaire businessmen should get to run for office, or should be taken seriously? Sam goes on with his examples of weak Democratic candidates. Leo tells Sam he named three districts that are impossible for Democrats: "Finding qualified sacrificial lambs ain't easy." Sam says the "D-Triple C" (Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee) tries to raise money by saying they're taking back the House, but it doesn't look like they're giving it the old college try. Margaret tells Leo he has a call on line one. Leo says they're putting their resources where they'll be most effective. Leo takes his call while Sam paces around. He asks the caller to fax something over, and sits at his desk. Sam: "We didn't get the five." Leo shakes his head. They got two debates. Sam can't believe it. Leo yells for Margaret and asks her to let Josh, Toby, and C.J. know that the report is out, and that it's two debates. She's wearing a suit, even though it's Saturday. Have we ever seen Margaret in more casual clothes? I can't think of a time. She leaves. Sam asks whether they gave a reason. Leo says they're faxing it over. Sam asks, "Don't we want one debate alone on new global threats? I guess I mean to say, doesn't everybody want one debate..." Leo doesn't know.
Leo asks Sam if he reads much international news. Sam says, "Herald Tribune...whatever C.J. puts in front of me...Agence France." Leo assumes he's read about Qumar reopening the investigation of Shareef's disappearance. Sam: "Yeah. Watch. They're going to say Israel had something to do with it." Leo asks whether that's what Sam thinks. Sam shrugs: "What do I know? Shareef was a bad guy. Feels like he had money in the Bahji cell." I've spelled it as the closed captioning does. He pronounces it Bah-hee. Is that how they pronounced it in "The Black Vera Wang"? I don't remember. Shack, bless his heart, wrote that one. Leo: "He did. He was also behind the plot to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge." Sam: "Bridges and tunnels. That's my nightmare. What's yours?" Leo: "Well, now it's bridges and tunnels, Sam." Sam: "Then my work here is done." Leo leans forward and says, "It's that I don't know what winning looks like. What does it look like? Is it...I mean, is it honestly the U.S. flag flying over Mecca? Is that what's gonna straighten this out? And, if that's the case, why are we postponing that? What are we hoping is gonna happen in the meantime?" If I told you what I actually said to my TV at this point, Wing would probably have to edit it out. Several forum posters believe that this remark was not being "seriously" proposed as a solution to terrorism against the United States. Be that as it may, the fact that he even comes up with it as an example of what "winning" against terrorism would look like is extremely telling and, not incidentally, totally misguided. Once again, just because, gee whiz, I never get tired of saying it, the source of terrorism is not located in the Ka'aba, nor in the theology of Islam. This is just the sort of casual, gratuitous, and twisted remark that I've come to expect from this show for over a year now, so I'm not at all surprised. I'm just really glad we're always "raising the level of debate." Sam hesitates and replies, "That somebody'll think of something, before we have to do the unthinkable." Leo: "You're one of the big minds of your generation. Have you thought of anything yet?" Sam says he hasn't. Leo says he hasn't either, adding, "Neither has the President of the United States -- also a pretty good mind." Sam: "The Golden Gate Bridge?" Leo, who's gone back to his work, says, "Yeah."
The look on Sam's face says he's figured it out: "We didn't have anything to do with Shareef's plane going down, did we?" Leo doesn't speak, doesn't look at him, doesn't react at all; he just continues looking at his papers. He pretends that Sam hasn't asked the question at all. Sam gets that Leo is neither going to confirm nor deny it. He gets up, realizing it wasn't too smart even to have asked, saying, "Sorry. Two debates?" Leo says that Jed and Bruno aren't going to take it well. Sam says that there's one person who's going to take it worse.
Suddenly, there's a knock on the door that's broken, and we hear Toby wrestling with the knob and saying, "Would somebody open the damn door, please?" Leo looks weary as Sam yells that it's locked or something, and advises Toby not to force it. "I'm going to try to..." Toby comes barrelling in the other door complaining, "Two debates. Did they say why?" Leo says that they're faxing the statement and having a press conference on Monday. Margaret brings in the fax, and Leo stands up to accept it, but Toby grabs it. Margaret tells Leo that Jed's asking for him in the Oval Office. Leo grabs his jacket as Toby reads, "'Given the inability of the two major...' Do you mind that I'm reading this?" Leo: "Would it matter?" He continues, "'...the two major parties to agree upon earlier Commission proposals, the uncertainty caused by recent Court rulings, and the shortened time period in which to schedule debates for maximum viewing, the Commission hereby amends...' He got exactly what he wanted! For dragging his feet!" Leo says that's why he did it: "You can't fault him for having a winning strategy." Toby says he's not faulting him, he's faulting them. Toby crumples up the fax and leaves as Leo goes off to the Oval Office.
There Leo finds Jed and Casper and a bunch of other guys. Jed announces, "They did it! Casper's boys." Jed attempts to let Casper tell it, but keeps interrupting him and prompting him. Anyway, one suspect was killed and another was wounded in the leg; the FBI guys are all fine. They seized high-explosive gun powder, galvinized steel pipes, time fuses, blasting caps, and blueprints for the KSU pool. Somebody comes in and hands one of the other guys a note. The kid with heart failure is in hospital in stable condition. Jed announces, "Mike, pick yourself out a daughter. My oldest is married, but I can have it annulled. The Pope said he'd do it, I swear to God." Gee, I bet this remark offended a number of people on at least a couple of different levels. Casper: "Actually, sir, with all due respect, I'd rather have that blonde number, Josh's assistant -- Donna." Jed: "Consider it done! I'll also throw in twenty head of my best cattle, one hundred baskets of rice, and a small silk purse filled with gold coins. Real ones, not the chocolate kind." No, Casper simply replies, "That's very friendly of you, sir. Thank you." Jed wonders whether the note that was brought in is anything he needs to know about. The guy who accepted it -- Jerry -- says, "I don't know. Israeli Search and Rescue's looking for a transport that fell off the radar about twelve hours...uh, twelve hours and twenty-two minutes into the flight..." Jed and Leo look at each other with grave expressions. Jerry continues, "...About fifteen, um...I'm sorry, about twenty-five minutes before it was scheduled to land at Ben Gurion airport." Leo turns his face away from the rest of them, looking pretty ill, as Jed asks where the flight originated. Jerry: "It originated...oh God. Mr. President, I think Ben Yosef is on that plane." Leo's slightly unsteady as the realization seeps into him. Leo: "He is." Another fellow asks Jerry if they gave coordinates. Jerry says it's 33¢ª51' N, 34¢ª47' E. They figure out that that's southern Lebanon. I actually used the TerraServer with these coordinates and came up with nothing -- not even ocean. Maybe I did it wrong. Also, would an Israeli flight be passing through Lebanese airspace? Jed and Leo are very quiet. Jerry restates that the search and rescue has just gotten underway. Jed says someone will keep him posted; they thank him and leave. As they're going, Jed says to Casper: "No kidding -- thank you." The Music of Stark Realization plays as Leo gloomily says, "Ben Yosef's plane is missing. Now, how did I not see this coming?" He looks down. Good work by John Spencer, as usual. Time for commercials.
Now here's a sentence I never thought I'd utter: I'm really looking forward to see Adam Sandler's new film, Punch-Drunk Love. Truly, it's the apocalypse.
When we return, it's Sunday night, and Bartlet's stretched out on the sofa, watching a football game and grousing about the coaching as he reads stuff. I think they're in the First Bedroom. C.J.'s there. He tells C.J.: "You know, if you ask a professional athlete what the hardest thing is to do in sports, they'll all say 'hit a baseball.' But a coach once told me that the hardest thing to do in sports is to walk into your Super Bowl locker room at half-time and change the strategy that got you there 'cause it's no longer working." C.J. asks, "It's really okay that after almost every play, somebody requires medical attention?" Jed: "It's not even the number of debates, as much as the format. Two-minute response followed by a one-minute reply. That's not a debate. That's not a debate! It's a joint press conference." Agreed.
Sam arrives. Jed says, "Nice job on the Red Mass. First-rate. You don't mind if I change everything, do you?" Sam: "No, sir." Jed shows him where he's made changes. Sam: "Ah. Cute. Let's take a look." Jed continues grumbling: "It's a joint press conference. It's not necessary that the candidates be in the same room. That part's just theatre." C.J. explains to Sam that they're talking about ways to lower expectations. Sam, reading Jed's revisions, says, "I like what you did. I like the 80/20." Jed: "Be nice to be able to respond to what the other person has said, and ask them a question. And the moderator should be empowered to press for an answer, just as a judge can of a witness, or a member of Congress in a confirmation hearing."
Jed walks off into some other closet or bathroom as he gets dressed for the Mass. C.J. says, "Sam, what do you think about me writing you an urgent memo? 'I think Writchie's a more skilled debater than we're anticipating. He has, after all, debated three gubernatorial candidates and won each time.'" Sam wonders whether she means to leak the memo. She does. Sam: "I think you'll look silly." C.J.: "I'm used to that." He doesn't think it'll do much. She doesn't either.
Jed comes back out, tying his tie, and tells anecdotes about ancient Roman debates and how vital and meaningful they were. C.J. gets the idea that they should ask for a different format for the debate. Jed says that Writchie's people will never consider it. C.J. says that they might if Bartlet's camp were to give up something else they wanted. Jed: "Other than this house, we don't have anything they want." C.J. looks at Sam, who says, "Sure we do. Sure we do. We wanted five debates, they wanted none. We have exactly one thing left that they want." Jed looks at C.J.: "Wow. Isn't this exactly why casinos don't play with a one-deck shoe?" Sam says yes. Jed considers it, turning away from them and toward the TV for a moment. Charlie knocks and tells him the car's ready. Jed: "He's still running that screen pass." Jed turns around and says, "Get Toby to sign off and I'm in." Jed does a loud coat flip and leaves with Charlie.
Out in the hall, Jed asks Charlie whether he needs his speech. Charlie says he's got it. As they pedeconference, he wants to ask Jed something about Red Mass. We fade to a few moments (or maybe months, from Charlie's perspective) later as they're walking along the portico, as Jed is saying, "And so how isn't it a Constitutional issue? It is, but sometimes you say, 'Big deal.' It was the intention not to have a national religion, not to have anyone's religious views imposed on anyone else, and not to have the government encourage an national display of piety as a substitute for real action." Man, good thing none of that stuff ever happens. Having summarily dismissed any concerns with the troubling implications of Red Mass, Jed veers off into the Oval Office, saying he'll be in there for a minute. Charlie drops by his desk, where Emily -- who reminds me more than a little of Frink's sister -- hands Charlie a note that was dropped off for him at the northwest gate. Charlie opens it and reads it, saying it's from Anthony. Emily hangs there for no real good reason other than to keep Charlie from talking to himself in this scene. He reads it in silence and smiles. Emily: "Nice note?" Charlie, grabbing his briefcase to leave: "No. At several points he suggests that I might have an improper relationship with my mother." Emily: "Why are you smiling?" Charlie: "He wrote in on the back of the First Amendment." Aw.
Out in the hall, Charlie runs into Josh, and they complain about the Mets. Josh looks down the hall and sees Amy sitting in the Mural Room. He's so awestruck by her improved hairstyle that he can no longer remember his gripe with the Mets. Charlie takes off. Josh walks in and says hi. Amy seems not to have expected to run into him -- there, fifty feet from where he works, of all places. Yeah, it's Sunday night, but as if these people have a life. He asks what she's doing here. She does the "I'm sorry?" thing. I think in addition to the Credulity Strain-o-Meter I'm going to have to hook up a "Sorry?" Counter. Like I don't have enough damn crap on my desk as it is. I barely have room to scribble on a one-inch Post-It Note. Somebody named Danya Zucker had an extra ticket for the Red Mass and invited Amy. She asks if Josh is going. He's not. He starts walking toward the door to the portico as she stands up.
Josh and Amy head out to the portico. He asks whether she can give him any idea what Stackhouse is thinking. She says she really can't. She says they spoke for a while, but she really doesn't know. She says she told Stackhouse that she thought he'd been an extraordinary public servant -- "thoughtful and energetic and compassionate and courageous" -- but told him she'd be voting for Bartlet. Josh : "Why?" Amy: "First of all, I'm crazy about the President, Josh. I've been crazy about him for longer than you've known who he was. And I'll keep poking him with a stick. That's how I show my love." Well, that explains...plenty. She carries on: "But...as a women's issue, it's a no-brainer. The Justice can overturn Roe and...you don't screw around with that." Josh seems unmoved. Amy asks flirtatiously whether he wants to see what she learned to do since he got her fired. If she pulls out a cherry and ties the stem in a knot with her tongue, I quit. She pulls out a long, thin orange balloon and starts blowing it up. My recollection is that those things are bitchin' hard to blow up, but these two both have gas to spare, so pretty soon she's got it about 90% inflated. As she ties the knot, she says, "Right away, that's impressive, right? That's just the preparation." She proceeds, with much squidgy balloon-manipulating sound, to mangle it into...nothing. Don't quit your day job. Oops! You just did. Josh snickers and asks what it is. She asks, "What do you want it to be?" Someone calls Amy's name in the background. Amy hands the balloon...thing to Josh and says, "I'll see you."
Pomp and Circumstance time. We hear Vivaldi's "Gloria" and see the proceedings taking place in a beautiful church with stunning stained glass windows. Near the back, Sam says to Leo, "I was thinking about what you asked me before -- about 'have I been able to think of anything,' and I said no. And you said, 'Neither have I, and neither has the president.'" Leo: "What about it?" Sam pauses and says, "I wouldn't speak for anybody else, but you know I'm not done yet, right?" He has a trace of a smile on his face. Leo looks down at the yarmulke he's holding in his hands. The congregation rises as a processional begins.
The camera drifts slowly down a stained-glass window to C.J., who's sitting down in front of it outside. Toby comes out to where she's sitting in a little courtyard waiting for him; he's loaded for bear. When she sees him, C.J. stands and says, "Toby..." He warns her to stay there: "I'm first looking for something to beat you with! I'm gonna do it with my hands." Maybe you should have held onto that stick you beat the hell out of that guard rail with in Indiana. She says, "Let me tell you something." Toby: "One debate!" She wants to know what the difference is between one and two. Toby, frustrated: "It's a whole other debate! It's a second debate! It's 100% more debate!" C.J.: "'Someone should ask him if he's aware taxpayers pay $9,000 this instead of $200,000 that. And somebody should ask him what he means by, and somebody should ask him how he plans on...' You said that, and you were right!" Toby wonders what happens if POTUS has a bad night. Toby says it's happened. "What if he gets himself into trouble? What if Writchie comes after Abby or the kids, and the President goes postal?" Well, that could happen in either of two debates. Toby says that's what he'd try to do. He adds, "Stress, hot lights...what if he has an episode?" C.J.: "We lose." Toby doesn't seem to care for that answer. She argues, "When you can't lower expectations, you only have one thing you can do! You have to meet them!" Toby considers this as the music starts up again inside. He paces a little bit, hands in his pockets, and sighs. He says, "Clear twenty-four hours from the President's schedule. We're going away." Field trip! Yay? We'll see. C.J. looks pleased and walks back into the church.
Inside, C.J. runs into Susan Thomas, who tells her that Stackhouse would like a quick word with Jed. C.J. glances over to Stackhouse, who's standing expectantly a short distance away. C.J. tells Susan she doesn't know. Susan: "He should." C.J. goes in the main area of the church and tells POTUS to talk to Stackhouse, who's standing at the door. Jed comes over to Stackhouse, who says, "That was a wonderful talk, Mr. President." Jed: "Thank you. I didn't write much of it." Stackhouse: "The 80/20 section." Jed: "That part I wrote. I added it." Howard says when Jed started talking about how much politicians hunger after the 80/20 issue, he thought, "My God, I'm about to watch a train wreck. He's going to make a political speech to the Supreme Court while standing in the middle of a church." Stackhouse says he shouldn't have doubted him. He continues, "'Who among the eighty will stand up for the twenty?'" Jed: "You did, Howard. You did all the time." Stackhouse tells an anecdote about how the number of new pilots who will fly into cloud cover, get confused, make adjustment after adjustment, and end up flying out of the clouds completely upside-down would knock you out. Jed nods. Stackhouse: "My office will make arrangements for me to endorse you in the morning. You keep your eyes on the horizon, Mr. President."
Stackhouse walks away, unmolested by the small number of reporters he passes. When Jed steps outside, people call out "Mr. President!" Stackhouse turns his head slightly, as if startled by the sound, but also looking like he realizes no one will ever mean him when they say that. Too bad. He seems to represent most of the things that made me fall for Jed in the first place, most of which seem to have been in short supply of late. Jed stands on the steps watching Howard walk away as cameras flash. An agent asks him if he's ready to go. He's not. He calls to C.J. and asks if it would be possible to move the press off the church grounds: "I'm going to take questions for a little while." C.J.: "On what?" Jed: "Needle exchange." She runs off to do his bidding as he stands there looking incredibly presidential. He's definitely got that part down.