By LTG
Do I have cable yet? No, I don't. But I do want to send a big shout-out to the good folks at the District of Columbia Office of Cable Television and Telecommunications, who moved heaven and earth (or at least, made some phone calls) to force Comcast to hook me up. Unfortunately, it turns out that there is a bureaucratic force on this earth that's more powerful than Comcast and the D.C. government combined -- Verizon. Yeah, I'm not quite sure how it works either, but the phone company is somehow blocking my cable. Curse you, James Earl Jones!
Margaret sits at her desk, where she sprinkles some salt on a green apple before taking a bite of it. Some people have suggested that this odd food choice is explained by Margaret's pregnancy, and others that it's explained by what we later learn about Margaret's place of origin (that is, upstate New York). But I have to say, as a former central New Yorker, I've never seen anyone sprinkle salt on an apple. That's not to say the folks upstate don't have some unusual delicacies -- I still miss the salt potatoes -- but salt on fruit is not one I'm aware of. There's an older Japanese man sitting to Margaret's desk, and she asks him if he's sure she can't get him something. He declines the offer. Suddenly, Annabeth and Cliff come walking through the office. I guess he must have accepted that job offer. Boy, it's when I see Mark Feuerstein standing to Kristin Chenoweth that I realize how very short he is. Annabeth is telling Cliff that the President needs a quiet news cycle and reminds Cliff (when he asks) that it is his job to provide one. Margaret tells the two of them that they can go into C.J.'s office.
As Annabeth and Cliff enter, C.J. asks if Jed is ready for his press conference the day. Annabeth tells her that he is, "unless Congress cooks up more recipes for lame duck." I like a nice lame duck à l'orange, but I think mushu lame duck can be nice too. Cliff apologizes to C.J. for the veto override of the week. Apparently, there's a new Congressional fight coming up: the Speaker of the House has scheduled a vote on a ban on funding for stem-cell research. There's some very unsubtle exposition -- namely that the White House had located $55 million in the Health and Human Services budget for such research, and that the embryos from which the stem cells would be taken are going to be disposed of in any case. And that the margin on the vote is liable to be a dozen either way. Which is why Speaker Haffley scheduled the vote when he did: tons of Democratic members of Congress are away from Washington, campaigning for themselves or for the various presidential contenders. Many of them are returning for the vote, and Cliff leaves to make phone calls to bring more of them back. As both Cliff and Annabeth walk out of her office, C.J. calls after them to remind them that Jed needs "a good day." Well then, it's a good thing that's the title of this episode.
C.J. also walks out of her office, and she runs into Toby in the hall. He apologizes for missing their little meeting, but she tells him that Cliff knows what he needs to do. There's more clumsy exposition as they discuss the fact that there's a dinner for Nobel laureates that evening. C.J. seems to be anticipating the dancing and the "Latin jazz on tap," but Toby is less excited: "For those of us who are seated with the organo-metallo chemists, we'll run out of small talk by the soup course." C.J. gives him a look and tells him that he's going to have to miss the soup, because she's scheduled him to meet with the "Future Leaders for Democracy." Toby wants to know if we're talking about the near future or the distant future. C.J.: "Middle. Middle-schoolers, in fact." Shockingly, Toby seems less than thrilled at the idea of hanging out with a bunch of kids. I know, it seems so out of character. C.J. tells him to give them ten minutes, but Toby is angry that his whole day has already been divvied out in ten-minute chunks. C.J. tells him he's going to have to suck it up, because these kids have already been bumped from Jed's schedule and from hers, and it's their last day in town. Toby wants to know why he's getting stuck with them. C.J.: "Because you're so good with kids." Yeah, I mean the fact that he never stops talking about his own kids is proof enough of that.
Capitol rotunda. Cliff greets Santos, who is running in, Josh on his heels. Santos asks if he's missed the vote, and Cliff tells him that they're "doing the rule right now." Okay, my understanding of this process is that, for each bill, there is first a vote on the rule that will control the debate and certain other procedural details related to that bill. Only after the rule is approved can the voting on the bill take place. It's also my understanding that the proceedings can be stopped at any point, until the vote on the actual bill has commenced -- once that point has been reached, there's no going back. I'm sure that these three sentences are wrong in fifteen different ways, all of which I'll hear about shortly. Josh apologizes for cutting it so close, blaming the traffic from Dulles. Ugh. Tell me about it. They should have taken the bus to the subway. But Santos makes it clear that he wouldn't miss this vote for the world.
As Santos walks into the chamber, Josh and Cliff stay behind, and some kind of herald calls out, "One more vote. One vote arriving." I wonder if that guy is wearing breaches and a floppy hat? Or maybe I'm just thinking of the guy on my bottle of Beefeater. Josh tries to position Santos for some good press, telling Cliff that he'll be available to talk to news crews after the vote. Cliff congratulates Josh on Arizona and New Mexico. Does that mean Santos actually won some primaries? Or that he made another respectable showing? Josh points out that Super Tuesday is still to come, which is when the campaign will really be tested. Regardless, Cliff is glad that Santos came for the vote, and that Josh called back the members of Congress who were out campaigning for Santos. Just then, Will and Donna walk up to them. Josh is surprised to see them, since he thought they were in Atlanta. But Will tells them that the White House asked Bingo Bob to help out. Josh points out that the Veep has no vote in the House, but Will reminds Josh that "as a former member, [Russell] retains lifetime floor privileges." I wonder if some former House members just kind of hang out on the floor because they have nothing to do? So Bob is in the chamber pressing the flesh and trying to whip votes against the stem-cell research ban. They make some small talk, and Donna confidently predicts that they have the votes to win the battle. She's clearly no longer an assistant -- she's an operator. A smooth one, even. Sade would be impressed. Santos walks out of the chamber, looking pissed off: "Son of a bitch." He tells Josh that they can hit the road. Apparently, when Haffley realized how many Democrats had made it back, he cancelled the vote. The promo monkeys have an orgasm as Santos tells the assembled group, "Game over. We've been had." Credits.
Back in Margaret's office, she offers her Japanese guest a cup of tea. He declines, and suggests that he might be able to proceed on his own. Margaret tells him that C.J. won't be much longer: "She'll want the honor of escorting you herself." When did Margaret become such a good liar?
C.J. walks into the Office of O, where Jed is dancing with Abbey and singing "Begin The Beguine." There's some big band-sounding music in the background. Is there a Victrola in the Oval Office? Or are there some members of the Marine Band playing just off-camera? C.J. offers to come back when the First Couple aren't so happy, but Abbey tells her to stay, and then tells Jed that he has to use his cane. Jed tells her that the doctor told her he didn't need to use the cane when he was at home. C.J. points out that the doctor probably meant when he was in the residence, and wasn't speaking of the entire White House. Jed is almost irrationally exuberant, as he walks over to C.J. and asks her if she's ready to cut a rug at the party that night. As Jed takes C.J. in his arms and starts dancing with her, she tells him that her ballroom dancing class was short on boys, and that, as a result she only learned how to lead. Jed thinks that's a quality that's served her well. As she watches them dance, Abbey raises her hand to her mouth. There's an incredible range of emotions that play across her face in that instant: happiness at seeing Jed up and dancing, fear of showing too much of that happiness lest it be taken away from her, and sadness at the knowledge that these days won't last much longer. I love Stockard Channing.
C.J. tells Jed that the stem-cell vote was cancelled, and he's delighted to hear it. She tells him that it could be rescheduled at any time, but he's determined to look on the bright side: "One thing about MS. You don't take good days for granted." If Jed gets all wise and accepting on us, I'm going to quit. I didn't sign on to recap cheerful Yoda. C.J. brings up the dinner, and Jed is happy to be discussing the Nobel laureates. C.J. gingerly tells Jed that she needs to ask him about "Yosh Takahashi." If only this part were being played by our favorite gay nurse from ER. Jed's irrationally exuberant bubble is popped in an instant, as he gets an incredibly sour look on his face. That's the Jed I know and love. More clumsy exposition: Jed is not close to Takahashi, who's the economist with whom he split the Nobel in economics. Jed describes his and Takahashi's work as being "divergent, even contradictory." Apparently, Takahashi is so conservative, "he makes Milton Friedman look middle-of-the-road." Economics humor. I can never get enough. Abbey tries to end the discussion by expressing gratitude that Takahashi is halfway around the world and not coming to the party. C.J.: "That's the thing..." Danger alert! Danger alert! Jed tells her to be gentle: "I'm not a well man." It seems that Takahashi was invited to the party, and that rather than being at his normal post in Kyoto, he's been visiting the University of Chicago. Jed asks if Takahashi is crashing the party. C.J. tells him it's even worse: "He's here now, waiting to pay his respects." Jed appears to be having a quiet aneurysm. I really do worry that Martin Sheen's going to injure his eyes, the way he bugs them out like that.
Toby walks through the communications pool, where Annabeth pounces on him. She heard that he wants her to babysit the student group, and he tells her that he'll stop in to say hello to them at the last minute. She tells him that she needs to be reviewing tapes of Jed to prepare for the press conference, but Toby is a determined man. He tells her, "Why? You already said the President's a natural. Why mess with perfection?" Annabeth doesn't seem to recall saying that, but Toby walks away before she can get out of the assignment.
Halls of Congress. (Kind of like the Halls of Montezuma, but without the Marines or the intimation of diarrhea.) Cliff is walking with a couple of members of Congress, including a Barbara Mikulski look-alike. I'll call her Mikulsky. Cliff's trying to convince them to stay so that they'll be there when Haffley reschedules the vote, but Mikulsky points out that Haffley will never schedule the vote while they're in town. One of the members uses the expression "that dog won't hunt." I'm not sure whether to blame Carol Flint (the writer of tonight's episode) for that, or whether it represents the kind of thing an actual hack politician would think of as wit. I'm afraid the latter is entirely too plausible. Cliff asks them to keep their phones on, and he runs into Haffley just as the two Democrats walk out the door. Haffley is quite friendly with Cliff, congratulating him on a good try with the vote. Cliff tells Haffley that "he's dead." Yikes. Shouldn't some Capitol Police have tackled him for saying that? Haffley needles Cliff about working for a lame duck, and then Cliff says, "This won't affect my serve, you know. I'm gonna slaughter you tomorrow." Ah, so they play one of those racquet sports. Or maybe beach volleyball. As he departs, Haffley calls Cliff "dude." Ewww. And speaking of ewww, Cliff is wearing a black suit with a black shirt and a dark purple tie. He looks either like a mobster or the head of the Squid Ink Marketing Association. It's normal for lobbyists (which Cliff was) to have very fancy wardrobes -- they like to show off their success and money. But I think it's also normal for them to want to look very mainstream, and this look is not that. Plus, it takes away anything of Mark Feuerstein's that would pass for a neck. Not a good look. Cliff dejectedly sits down on a bench. He sees who's sitting at the other end of the bench, and says, "Congressman, tell me you're not leaving town." The Congressman -- who is young and kind of cute in a big-eared, long-necked way -- tells Cliff that he never leaves town. Cliff thanks him for sticking around for any votes, but the Congressman tells him that he's not sure he would vote with the President on the stem-cell issue. Cliff just takes that as one more example of what a not-good day it's going to be. Gah, doesn't he pay attention to the episode titles? Of course it's going to be a good day!
Cliff enters a large and fancy office. We hear Donna talking on the phone, telling someone that she's going to miss "those peach things," and asking the person on the other end of the line to bring some to Cleveland. There's been some speculation that Donna is having some kind of fling with whomever is on the other end of this call, but I do not detect the tiniest bit of warmth or affection in her voice. It just sounds like she's speaking to a colleague. Donna hangs up and gives Cliff her condolences on the vote. He tells her, "Sometimes things are going so smoothly you don't see it coming until they fall apart." Their eyes meet at the end of that sentence. Gee, do you think those words could have some deeper meaning for the two of them? Maybe related to the fact that they slept together and then had to break up when Donna was a witness in an investigation Cliff was leading? It's just too subtle for me to tell. Donna walks back to her desk, and Cliff follows her, telling her that she looks changed, "in a good way." She takes that in without responding, and then congratulates him on the job. He's not sure it will still be his after the day's failure, but he thinks she's on a great career path with Bingo Bob. Cliff tells her to thank the Veep for the use of his office, and she expositions that it's normal for the White House legislative affairs staff to use the Veep's Capitol office. Cliff says, "I guess Josh must have worked out of here a lot." Donna: "Back in the day." Why sure, remember in that one episode when....Or that other one, with the big vote on....Hey, wait a minute. There haven't been any episodes in which Josh worked out of this office. Donna, you big liar. And Carol Flint, you bad writer. And then Cliff tells Donna that they should have dinner sometime, "so [she] can catch [him] up." Donna perks up, and tells him that she'll be back in town after Super Tuesday. He wishes her luck, and she smiles after him as he walks out.
Situation Room. There's some blah blah about rebels in Angola. Kate -- who is apparently running things -- ends the meeting. But as everyone leaves, some guy in the back of the room asks them if they "want an update on the Canada situation." Kate -- some doubt in her voice -- tells him to go ahead. He points out that "tensions along the 49th parallel have been growing." See, we should have gone all the way to fifty-four forty. Kate asks, "What's their beef?," and the guy congratulates her on her excellent joke. Apparently, the U.S. ban on live cattle imports from Canada is a problem, but he tells her, "I wouldn't reduce this to a simple mad cow conflict." Everyone but Kate is basically ignoring the guy as he tells them that tensions escalated at the start of the spring snow goose hunting season, when some Canadian ranchers posted "no trespassing" signs on their property despite the fact that folks from Montana had hunted there for generations. She looks at him and slowly asks, "Are you from Interior?" Indeed, he's from Fish and Wildlife. Which raises a question: how the hell did this guy get in the Sit Room? What happened with the scan and the code and the guards? Or does each cabinet agency appoint someone who has authority to enter the room? Is there someone from the Department of Education who is prepared to talk about the latest problems experienced by a U.S. foreign-exchange student? Interior Guy continues describing the problem, telling Kate, "While an American party was setting out decoys for the great snowy honker this morning, Canadians surrounded 'em and pinned 'em down. It's unclear whether the Americans are under siege or have been taken hostage." "The great snowy honker" is what we call Glark around TWoP Towers. By this point, Fish and Wildlife Guy has got the attention of most of the people in the room. Before local law enforcement could do anything, one of the hunters used his cell phone to call in backup. Someone asks if shots have been fired, and Fish and Wildlife guy says, "Yes. But there were geese in the air at the time." Kate looks at a military officer and asks, "Do we even have a map of Canada?" Oh, America Junior. Always a source of comedy. ["In case anyone cares: the whole beef thing has basis in fact, and it's a pretty big deal on this side of the border." -- Wing Chun]
Office of O. C.J. leads in Takahashi, who is welcomed by Jed and Abbey. There are formal greetings, and then Abbey says, "What a pleasant surprise." Takahashi thanks them for allowing him to say hello. Aaaaah! I just realized that Takahashi is being played by the voice of Aku. Look out Jed! He'll transport you to the future! Then there's an awkward pause that's long enough that I might have my cable hooked up by the end of it. Jed breaks the silence by saying how much he regrets that he's too busy to spend much time with Aku. There's a little chatter about old times -- Jed and Aku were in grad school together, where they competed over a fellowship. Aku describes himself as a bookworm and Jed as a politician, and then basically says that Jed's presidency has been "a footnote to explain his theory." I think I see some flaming coming out of Jed's nostril as he excuses himself, telling Aku that they'll have to continue the conversation at dinner. Abbey takes one for the team, inviting Aku to join her in another room for tea. After the two of them leave, C.J. tries to find some words to describe Aku. Jed has some of his own: "Smug son of a bitch." Well, he is the source of all of the world's evil -- what did you expect? Jed is fuming about what he perceived as subtle digs from Aku in their brief conversation. He dishes out an insult or two of his own, and then C.J. interrupts him to point out, "With all due respect, sir, you sit in this office. You're pretty much not allowed to harbor professional jealousies." Jed looks sullen for a moment, and then says, "He started it." Be nice, Jed, or you won't be allowed to have any dessert.
Cliff emerges from a door in the Capitol that is labeled "Office of the Vice-President." He looks down the hall, where he sees Santos. Santos catches his eye and then nods his head down the stairs, as if to say, "Follow me." I've seen that look before, but it usually involved creepy old men in public restrooms. And following them is never a good idea. Cliff and Santos walk down separate staircases that meet at a common landing. Cliff keeps looking over at Santos, as if thinking to himself, "First I get Josh's old job, now I get his boyfriend?" As they meet on the landing, Santos explains that he got held up on the way to his fundraiser in Hartford. Cliff starts to go on about the importance of Santos's staying in town, but as they get closer together, Santos cuts him off with a quiet whisper: "Okay, look unhappy." Cliff is clearly not as used to sneaking around behind people's backs as Santos is, because he looks a bit confused. Santos points out that he's shaking his head "no," and Cliff wonders if that really means that he's saying "yes." Santos tells him that he's not sure, and then tells him not to smile. Cliff asks, "Is it too much if I slump?" Santos looks him up and down (for real) and tells him to be careful. Santos quietly asks where they can meet, and Cliff suggests his office in half an hour. Santos looks at his watch, and more loudly says, "Look, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," as he walks away. Yeah, you're gonna be sorry if Josh catches the two of you. Cliff is just dumsquizzled. Commercials.
Kate and Will walk down a stairwell. Actually, I think it's the only stairwell we ever see in the White House. He asks if she's the "point man on the Saskatchewan incursion." Will, if you really are interested in Kate, I'm not sure how much it advances your cause to call her a man. Unless you know something about her that the rest of us don't. ["Yay, someone in pop culture said 'Saskatchewan'! I am bursting with provincial pride." -- Wing Chun] Kate asks Will if he really has the clearance to discuss something as delicate as a drunken standoff at the Canadian border, and he tells her that Bingo Bob wanted him to weigh in on the matter. Kate looks exasperated, saying, "Please, tell me this is a ruse concocted to steal moments in my promising company." Yeah, I think they totally did it. Kate asks if the Veep is a snow-gooser, and Will tells her that he actually hunts bear from his cabin near Chinook. (Which he completely mispronounces, by the way.) In fact, the Veep hunts with the Governor of Montana. Will tells Kate that he wants to make sure that "we" don't back down or look weak. Kate doesn't think there is a "we" in this: "It's fifteen drunks in camo vests." Will repeats that Bob advocates a hard line. Kate wonders if this means "a permanent lockout in the NHL, a maple syrup embargo, turn off Niagara Falls?" Oh, that NHL line has gotta hurt. At least, it's gotta hurt the ten of you who are NHL fans. Kate puts her hand on the scanner and enters the Sit Room.
Annabeth leads a dozen adolescents through the West Wing. With one or two exceptions, they are taller than she is. She tells them she knows they're disappointed, and one young woman explains that they understand that the President's schedule can change quickly. A rather unfortunately geeky-looking young man explains that the kids didn't mind having to meet with C.J., or even Toby. Annabeth: "But getting bumped to Deputy Press Secretary in charge of hairstyles kind of sucks, huh?" Geek Boy tells Annabeth that if they were a student media group, they "wouldn't be lodging this protest." Geek Girl pointedly tells Geek Boy that they aren't lodging a protest. She also calls him Cody. Cody asks Annabeth if she even read their materials. At that moment, Toby walks behind the group, realizes who they are, and walks the other way. Annabeth explains that she did read their materials. Cody: "Then you know that a glorified field trip is a waste of our time." Annabeth gives her best Broadway smile (which, since this is Kristin Chenoweth we're talking about, is pretty good), and tells him, "Let's talk about it on our way to the East Room." The students follow her, but Cody is clearly not happy.
Cliff walks into his office and finds Josh standing behind his desk, perusing some document that was left on the desktop. Awkward. Cliff closes the door, as Josh tells him, "I love what you've done with the place." Cliff tells Josh he was expecting Santos, and Josh explains that he'll be there soon: "But you're wasting his time with this." Cliff starts talking about how stem-cell research is a winning political issue for Democrats, but that's not what Josh is concerned about. As Santos walks in and tells Cliff that they're "on board," Josh points out that there's no viable strategy to win the fight, since Haffley will never schedule a vote when there are enough Democrats in town to carry the day. Cliff shows that he definitely has a pair when he explains to Josh that he is "talking to the Congressman at his request about his president's agenda. Maybe [Josh] could give [the two of them] a sec?" Josh can't quite believe what he's hearing: "You kicking me out? Of this office? So you can be alone with my boyfriend?" That last sentence might have been implied. Santos sees that if he really wants that three-way he's hankering after, he's going to have to smooth things over with Josh. He asks Cliff if he could give Josh and Santos a minute alone. As Cliff steps out, he tells Josh, "My office is your office." Josh is a pissy queen, responding, "Was, in fact." Yeah, that's right, it was your office, Josh. You gave it up, so don't be surprised that somebody else has marked it as his territory. Josh is angry to hear that Santos set up the meeting with Cliff, and Santos points out, "You can't let me out of your sight for a minute." Josh points out that they're going to lose the vote if they leave town, but that the vote will never take place if they stick around. But Santos has a plan. He just needs Josh and Cliff to work together to "iron out some crucial details." Yeah, like, what's the safe word going to be?
Kate's in...a room off the Sit Room? Have we ever seen this room before? And will she ever get an office of her own? She has a bound document in her hand, and she asks Military Guy, who is entering the room, what it is. He tells her that it's "Operation Northern Lights." Apparently, someone has already developed a plan to infiltrate Canada with CIA operatives disguised as ranchers so that they can "assess the threat level" before the insertion and extraction phase. Which sounds too dirty even for me. Kate wonders whether he's thinking of Blackhawks or something else (something that sounds like "halo drop"). Military Guy says that he can work up a strategy for both of those things. Kate was clearly not serious, and she tells him to stop. Fish and Wildlife Guy enters the room to tell them that the ranchers are issuing a statement on Canadian television. (I guess they decided it was important enough to preempt a repeat of Degrassi: The Generation. Because that's the only thing on Canadian television, isn't it? ["...yes." -- Wing Chun]) Kate hands the Operation Northern Lights plan back to Military Guy, and tells him, "Don't give this to anyone. Including me."
Annabeth is continuing her tour for the students. They're peeking into the Oval Office, and she is describing the furniture. As they walk back into the corridor, she asks if there are any questions. At that moment, Toby comes walking along, and Annabeth introduces him to the group. He asks if Annabeth is showing them the place, and she tells him that they only have the Roosevelt Room left. Toby has started to walk away when Cody pipes up to ask a question: "Do you know who we are?" Toby mangles the name, and then has to admit that he doesn't know why they're there. It turns out that they're "a youth lobby in support of a constitutional amendment to prohibit discrimination of voting rights on the basis of age." Geek Girl is mortified that Cody is raising such a ruckus. Toby points out that their proposal is radical. Cody asks, "Why did we get the brush-off today? Why do we keep getting passed down the food chain? And why do you keep looking to our chaperone or Ms. Schott to intervene?" I think it's because you're creeping him out, kid. Cody continues, "We're children, and that in itself shouldn't render us meaningless. But in this society, we are meaningless, because we're powerless. We have no voice." Hey, I feel your pain -- I live in the District of Columbia, where not only do we have no representation in Congress, we can't even control how our own local tax dollars are spent without the Federal government telling us what to do. Toby tells Cody that he'll read the group's materials, and Annabeth tries to lead them into the Roosevelt Room. But Cody's not going down without a fight, accusing Toby of giving them the brush-off again. Toby asks him what they want, and Cody responds that what they want is to be able to discuss their agenda with someone who matters. Toby says he understands.
Toby leads the group into the Roosevelt Room, telling them that it's "where issues are discussed." He proceeds to one side of the table and sits down, telling the kids to pull up a chair. Cody gets a supergeek smile on his face. As they all sit down, with Toby and Annabeth on one side of the table and the kids on the other, Toby tells them, "It's your meeting."
Nobel laureates' reception. Jed is telling an old joke about a one-armed economist. They all laugh as though it is funny. From the periphery of the group, Aku points out that "academics often confound politicians." Jed observes that "in politics, it's dog-eat-dog. In academia, it's the opposite." Are they sure the MS isn't affecting his mental faculties? Jed and Aku start to engage in a little academic slapdown over private sector versus public sector economic activity. Boooooring. I'd rather see Jed and Aku engage in some samurai swordplay. Abbey and C.J. give each other a look, and in seconds, C.J. is standing to Aku while Abbey walks up behind Jed. Abbey apologizes for interrupting, but points out that dinner is about to be served. As Abbey and Jed walk away, he quietly asks her if the steward has laryngitis. Abbey tells him, "It'd be a pity to battle MS only to succumb to an aneurysm." Hey, quit stealing my jokes. Jed is still quietly ranting, quoting Jefferson about how "a man's management of his own purse speaks volumes about character." Abbey asks him if he's still pissed off about Stockholm. Apparently, when Jed and Aku were in Sweden to receive their prize, they shared a cab, and Takahashi stiffed Jed for the fare. Again, source of all evil -- stiffing you for the fare seems mild in comparison to his other deeds. Aku walks up behind the two of them, C.J. on his arm. He tells Abbey he hopes she'll save him a dance. A dance of evil. As Aku and C.J. walk away, Jed quietly tells Abbey, "Your dance card's full, toots."
In the Sit Room, Kate and the military folks are chatting with Dr. Evil on the videophone. Which, by the way -- have we ever seen that in use before? Because it's both cheesy and awesome at the same time. Dr. Evil is actually some Canadian official. I know this because of his Clouseauesque accent. I think I heard him say, "There's a mankey in ma rheum." Apparently, the ranchers have declared war against the United States. Dr. Evil wants everyone to know that the Prime Minister isn't down with that. Dr. Evil asks if they've seen the ranchers' demands on "Canadian television." Why does everyone keep saying "Canadian television"? If you were Canadian, wouldn't you just call it "television"? ["We might not count on Americans to be able to fill in that blank on their own." -- Wing Chun] On one of the giant monitors in the background, we see footage of the ranchers delivering their demands. Fish and Wildlife Guy chooses this moment to tell everyone that security officers at some national park are prepared to respond. Apparently, volunteer reinforcements may be crossing into Canada through the park. Kate gives him a look that says, "Even if this wasn't a humorous sub-plot, it would still be stupid for you to divulge that information while we are negotiating with a foreign official."
Kate asks Dr. Evil about reports of escalation. Some folks in Alberta (Albertans? ["Indeed." -- Wing Chun]) burned the Governor of Montana in effigy after he suggested calling in the National Guard. Dr. Evil reports that the Governor referred to a U.S. contingency plan to invade Canada. Kate is reassuring him that there is no such plan when Military Guy raises his hand and looks sheepishly down at the table. Kate just trails off, and Dr. Evil looks into the camera and asks, "Are you there?" I assume he can see her, right? I mean, is this just a one-way videophone? Kate tells Dr. Evil that she trusts that local officials can handle the dispute. Once Dr. Evil hangs up, Kate looks at Military Guy and asks if there is really a contingency plan to invade Canada. He asks her, "Would you like to be briefed?" Kate asks if there are other developments, and Fish and Wildlife Guy tells her that a sawmill in Canada is demanding an end to all U.S. soft-timber tariffs. ["Also a real issue." -- Wing Chun] Further, a meatpacking plant in the U.S. is offering free coffee to "all Americans on their way to the front." Kate: "Can we at least not call it a front?" He tells her that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police have arrived, but that they are at a disadvantage. Kate wonders how that could be, and Military Guy tells her that the Mounties are carrying small arms, while the hunters are packing the powerful semi-automatic assault weapons that one needs to take down a snow goose. Because snow geese apparently travel in armored personnel carriers. On hearing the litany of weapons carried by the hunters, Fish and Wildlife Guy laughs. He tries to contain it, and tries even harder when Kate gives him a look that would peel paint off a fencepost.
Cliff is pacing outside the door to his office. The door opens, and Santos steps out. Santos tells Cliff to speak to Josh, and then he walks away. Cliff walks into the office, where Josh is sitting behind his desk. Cliff asks if Santos is going to Hartford, and Josh points out that people there have already paid to shake his hand. Josh makes a half-assed offer to give Cliff his chair, but Cliff throws himself down in one of the other chairs and tells Josh to stay put. Cliff looks tense, and Josh tells him that Santos can be back in D.C. in just a few hours, and that he's ready to start calling the folks who are out stumping for him. Cliff thanks him, and then, as they switch seats, the do a little awkward dance. I think Cliff really wants to kiss Josh, but he's just not getting the signal to go ahead. Cliff points out that if there's a single Republican on Santos's flight, the jig will be up. Josh tells him not to worry -- Santos will be flying himself. The thing they need to figure out is where to stash Santos once he arrives back in D.C. Cliff tells Josh to give him half an hour: "It can be arranged." Commercials.
Cliff walks through a lower-level hallway in the Capitol, and then ducks into a door that leads to a stairwell that goes even deeper.
A door opens in front of Cliff, and the big-eared Congressman he spoke with earlier is standing there in his boxer shorts, holding a pillow and blanket. Big-Ears looks uncertain, and then invites Cliff to come in. I know he was probably surprised by the knock, but don't you think this guy could have taken a second to put some pants on? I have a hard time imagining the situations in which it would be appropriate to answer your office door in your skivvies.
Inside the office, Cliff points to a cot and notes that the rumors about the Congressman sleeping in his office must be true. The Congressman says that he can't afford D.C. rent on his salary, and that he likes a short commute. I just want to say, there are many decent neighborhoods in D.C. where you can rent a slightly run-down five-bedroom house for about $2,500 a month. It's not unusual for members of Congress to share such houses, living a lot like the college students and young professionals who infest the city. (Yeah, I get to be a snob about that now that I've moved out of my own group house.) Cliff doesn't even call the Congressman by name, just calling him "Arkansas." Since I'm getting sick of writing "the Congressman," I think I'll go with that. Cliff tells Arkansas that the President needs him. Arkansas thinks that he's being summoned to the White House for a dressing-down about his potential vote against stem-cell research. I have to say, it would be hard for him to get dressed down much more than he already is. Cliff tells him that what they really need is some legwork, performed by someone whose presence in the Capitol won't raise any eyebrows. And who apparently doesn't mind showing off his legs. Arkansas asks, "Where do I start?" Cliff: "Do you have some pants?"
Cliff walks into the hallway and pulls the door shut behind him, while Arkansas hops around putting his pants on.
Roosevelt Room. Toby is debating child suffrage with Cody, Geek Girl, and the other kids (none of whom speak). I find this discussion boring and pointless, so I'm not really going to describe it. Plus, Cody is strange and off-putting. Needless to say, Cody makes some good points about the fact that children as young as twelve can be tried as adults. At some point in the conversation, Annabeth is pulled out of the room for a phone call. Annabeth returns and tells Toby that C.J. is looking for him at the Nobel laureates' dinner, and that the kids' parents "called from District Pizza. [The kids] are missing dinner." The kids get up to go, and Geek Girl and Cody tell Toby how much they appreciate being able to speak to him. Cody tells Toby, "Another half-hour, I could've convinced you." Toby looks over at Annabeth and asks if District Pizza delivers. She tells him that they do, and the look on Cody's face tells us that he understands that Toby wants to continue the conversation.
Kate walks into Margaret's office and tells her that she needs the Mural Room for a meeting. Margaret asks, "Is it Canada?" She stands up and tells Kate that she may be overly emotional due to the pregnancy, "but Mother's Canadian, Dad hails from upstate, so there's always been a north/south tug-of-war for us kids. Today's events...this is the kind of thing that pulls families apart. Pits brother against brother." Kate is at a loss for words, and after a moment, she asks, "So, can I have the room?" Margaret tells her she can, and as Kate leaves, Margaret calls after her, "Give peace a chance." I think that Margaret is clearly the breakout character of the season. Whatever I may think of individual episodes, I love every moment NiCole Robinson is on screen.
The French door from the portico into the Oval Office opens up, and we hear a voice calling out, "Get the door! Get the door!" Some men in tuxes carry a figure into the room. I have a momentary panic attack, but it's not Jed -- it's Aku. C.J. and Abbey walk in. C.J. didn't see what happened, and Abbey tells her that Aku overdid it. Jed walks in behind them, using his cane but looking unusually jaunty. He's definitely pleased with himself, telling the room at large, "A man his age, attempting a tango." Dr. Abigail Bartlet seems to have forgotten who she is, telling Aku that there is a physician on the way. And wouldn't there likely have been a physician somewhere in the midst of all those Nobel prize winners? (I mean, a physician other than Abbey.) Aku is gripping the back of his head, where he struck the floor, and Jed asks him if he hurt himself. Aku tells Jed, "You're the expert on soft landings. You tell me." Jed thinks that if Aku can still be a jerk, he must be doing fine.
Haffley walks down a hallway and sticks his head into Santos's office. At that exact moment, an office worker is telling a caller that Santos is in Hartford for the night. Haffley looks satisfied, and asks the worker to tell Santos that he stopped by. As he walks away, the office worker picks up the phone, pushes some kind of intercom button, and says, "Elvis has left the building."
Arkansas sticks his head out of an office and tiptoes down the hallway. Santos is close behind him. They proceed stealthily through the Capitol until they arrive at the Veep's office. Cliff is waiting for them in the outer office. He tells Arkansas that another member is arriving at the south entrance and needs an escort. Santos asks if the Veep knows that they're using his office. Cliff responds, "I'm not telling him." Cliff unlocks and opens the door to the main office, which is dark, and tells Santos to keep the curtains drawn and the noise down. Cliff apparently can't stay, because he has to work on getting other members of Congress to return to D.C. I can believe that Cliff would have a key to the office if the White House legislative affairs staff really does use it for lobbying, but wouldn't there be some kind of, I don't know, security in place to make sure that nobody was sneaking in to plant a bomb or something? I mean, does the Secret Service leave the Oval Office unguarded just because Jed's not in the room?
Santos enters the darkened office and wanders around, checking out the furnishings in the little bit of light that's coming through the windows. This scene goes on entirely too long, so it's obvious that something "comical" or "shocking" is going to happen. We discover what that something is when Santos sits down on a sofa and Donna lets out a blood-curdling shriek. Santos falls to the ground, apologizing and trying to get her to shut up, while Donna turns on a lamp. It seems that she fell asleep while working. Santos looks at Donna oddly, and then says, "You're Russell's chicken fighter." Still breathing hard, she introduces herself, and then makes it clear that she knows who Santos is. She starts to ask what he's doing in the Veep's office, and he tells her, "I'm hiding out. We're trying to outsmart the Speaker, have him think we've all left town before he calls the vote tomorrow." Donna asks if Russell knows about this, and Santos cuts her off: "This is not for the Santos campaign. It's for the President." Right. Pull the other one.
In the Office of O, Jed is dropping some ice into one of those screwtop ice bags as Aku talks about what a fool he made of himself. And then they have an economist's conversation about how Asian nations have been buying all of the bonds the U.S. government has to sell to support the deficit, and what the awful effects on the U.S. economy will be if those nations start selling off those bonds. Aku tells Jed that there's a rumor that Singapore is going to dump its dollars, and that such an action could start a run. Jed doesn't think it will ever happen. They blab some more. I'm skipping the detail here because it's incredibly boring. And also because they can't seem to write Aku with any consistency. In one sentence, he seems not to care about deficits, and in another he thinks they are the worst thing around. In the end, Jed at least seems to appreciate the friendly sentiment behind Aku's warning.
Kate and Will sit down with a goofy-looking guy wearing a bow tie. He's the Canadian Ambassador, and he has the oddest accent. It is not, as some have called it, a British accent, but he sounds like no Canadian I've ever met. It almost sounds to me like he's trying to channel FDR. Or maybe Thurston Howell. He tells them that he can report that everything is "quiet on the western front," even though the situation is not resolved. The Ambassador starts to discuss his telephone call with the Veep, and Kate is surprised to hear that he called Bingo Bob. Will clarifies that the Veep called the Ambassador. The Ambassador establishes that he can't speak in an official capacity, and when Kate wonders what the hell is going on, he apologizes for his lack of experience with "this kind of intrigue." The Ambassador tells Kate that he could try to convince the Premier of the province to "exert pressure on his citizens to relent and allow the Americans free passage across the border." Kate thinks that would be a swell thing for the Premier to do, but the Ambassador goes on to mention that such an action would create some expectations that the U.S. would offer something in return. Will suggests that the U.S. could perhaps drop an appeal of a NAFTA trade ruling, and Kate tells them that "the United States does not make trade decisions based on the actions of some amped-up cowboys." And then Will steps on my joke, saying, "Unless they've been elected to office." The Ambassador tells Kate that he understands that she can't negotiate with him directly, but that if she senses "the possibility of some openness to consider [his] proposal, [she] could signal the same by crossing [her] legs." Since Kate already has her legs crossed, he suggests that she might uncross and then recross her legs. I think someone is having fantasies about Basic Instinct. Kate uncrosses her legs and stands up: "Ambassador, listen carefully. An hour ago, I reviewed the United States's contingency plan to invade your country." When Will asks if there is really such a plan, she tells him that it was drawn up in "1789, amended in 1815. The calligraphy is beautiful." She tells the Ambassador that if he suggests any more deals, she's "going to ask DoD to reactivate it."
Roosevelt Room. Cody and Geek Girl continue to argue in favor of abolishing the voting age. Blah blah blah. Cody does point out the injustice of the fact that children will have to live with the consequences of the government's decisions for years, despite the fact that they have no voice in those decisions. Geek Girl asks Toby if they've convinced him. He tells them that he would support lowering the age in increments, and that he wouldn't start at the federal level. Cody asks him if he'll mention it to the President, and Toby says, "I'll do better than that."
Arkansas and another member walk down a corridor. The other member asks where they're hiding, and Arkansas tells him that there's a Republican coming. Arkansas loudly points out that the vote is crucial, and the other member says that he's in a tough primary fight and has a plane to catch. The Republican nods to them both as they walk past. After they turn around the corner, there's a pause, and then they step back to look after the Republican before turning around and going the other way.
In the outer office of the Veep's suite, Arkansas greets Donna who is (what else) making coffee. She hands him the pot to carry, and asks if he thinks it's too risky to make popcorn. He advises that she wait another hour. She walks to the door of the inner office and raps "shave and a haircut, two bits." She and Arkansas open the doors, and the twenty or so members waiting in the room start to quietly applaud as the newest member joins them.
In the inner office, a Congresswoman asks the newest arrival if he got the message about provisions, and he pulls a bottle of alcohol out of the inside pocket of his jacket and hands it to her. The members are reading the paper, chatting, drinking. One wanders by, talking on his cell phone and pretending for the listener's benefit that he's in some warm clime. Santos starts to bloviate to the room about how bad it is for them to let the Republicans set the terms of debate. He then asks Arkansas if there are any more "souls to ferry," and Arkansas tells him that he's free to hang out for a while. Santos tells him to pull up a chair: "We're preaching to the choir here on stem cells." Arkansas tells them that he's not sure how he'll vote on the issue, and there's some quiet booing. But our hero Santos tells them to calm down, and then suggests to Arkansas that they talk about it: "Haffley closed the floor to debate, but we're not playing by his rules." He asks Arkansas what his concerns are, and Arkansas replies, "I have morality questions." Santos: "Ask 'em. We have all night." Commercials.
In the darkened West Wing, C.J. comes in from the portico and walks toward her office, clutching her arms against the cold. Cliff appears and asks, "Half day?" C.J. tells him, "Those Nobel laureates can party." Cliff asks her if Josh told her what was going on with the stem-cell vote. She calls it "Operation Sleepover," and says that it sounds great, "if it works." C.J.'s biggest reservation is over how they can be certain that Haffley will call the vote the day. Cliff tells her, "This is where squash comes in." Hmmm, so it is a racquet sport. I should have realized that Cliff was too short to play volleyball. Cliff tells C.J. (and reminds the audience) that he has a date to play squash with the Speaker in the morning. C.J. wonders how he'll talk Haffley into scheduling the vote, and they decide to do a little role-play. Not like that, you perverts. C.J. plays Haffley, and Cliff plays Cliff. Blah, blah, reverse psychology/threat to Haffley's manhood. C.J. gets pretty into the argument, and just as it looks like she might belt Cliff with her imaginary squash racquet, she takes a breath and tells him, "Might work. Gonna have to let him win a game, though." Cliff tells her that he plans to show no mercy.
In the Veep's Capitol office, Santos and Arkansas talk about stem-cell research while everyone else tries to sleep. Nice, guys. Just keep everyone else awake with your chatter. Again, more blah blah blah about how the embryos in question are just frozen fertilized eggs that are the byproduct of in vitro fertilization, and that they're going to be destroyed in any case. Man, where's Mikulsky? She would never let these two disturb her sleep without giving them a good smack upside the head. During the conversation, Donna quietly enters the room to get her coat. We see that she is taking in the conversation between Santos and Arkansas as she leaves the room.
Sit Room. Kate enters the room with a piece of paper in her hand and asks Military Guy if "this" is true. He tells her that it's just been confirmed, and she expositions that an American helicopter "wandered off-course" into Canadian airspace and landed just half a kilometer from the standoff. There's an officer on the speakerphone who reconfirms those facts. Kate asks if it's true that the helicopter is a Huey, and Military Guy points out that they make civilian aircraft as well: "We have deniability." Kate wants absolute assurance that "this is not part of some military action," and Military Guy tells her that he "can't vouch for Black Ops." Kate has had enough. She's yelling, telling Military Guy, "The problem is not a few rowdy outlaws from a bygone era blowing off testosterone. The problem is us! We're still the Wild Bunch." She asks the officer on the phone who the ranking Canadian official is on the scene, and he tells her that it's "the Grasslands EcoRegion Director." Good Lord, what a title. Those Canadians really are socialists. ["That reminds me, it's about time for my completely free annual physical. Better call my GP!" -- Wing Chun] Kate asks if the Director has access to a bullhorn, and then suggests that the Director announce the immediate end of hunting season: "Anyone of any nationality discharging a firearm is subject to immediate and permanent loss of their hunting license." All the boys in the room decide that this might work, since these yahoos would rather do anything than give up hunting. And I guess the thought of prison or death meant nothing to them.
In the Residence, Abbey is lying in bed in a darkened room, clearly trying to sleep as Jed stomps around and calls Aku a gnat and a buzzing mosquito. Don't let him hear you talk like that, Jed, or he'll send the Scotsman after you. Jed gets into bed, and they discuss the fact that Jed is very concerned about the deficit. He tells her, "First term, we made so much progress, we were talking balanced budget." But then the economy slowed, the Republicans shoved some tax cuts down Jed's throat, and the costs of combating terrorism and maintaining peacekeeping forces in other countries spiraled out of control. Jed points out that he's an economist, and asks, "What's the guy, a mere mortal, gonna do?" Abbey reminds Jed that Eisenhower, a general, was unable to control the military-industrial complex. Jed gets a look on his face, and says, "He did one thing."
Morning in the Capitol. Donna enters the Veep's office bearing a box of donuts, and tells the gathered members that Haffley just called the first procedural vote of the day. One of the older members thinks Haffley's trying to see how many Democrats are there. Donna breaks the bad news to them that Haffley announced the agenda for the day, and it was all about pharmaceutical drug trials. There's a general groan from the group, who I'm sure are pretty sick of each other by now. Especially after Santos kept them up all night with his gabbing.
White House press conference. I'm not sure where this is being held, but it's not the Briefing Room. The press is assembled, but the conference has not started. Toby enters the room with Cody, and reminds him that this is a nationally televised press conference and that he is not to speak unless called upon. Cody takes a seat in the middle of the accredited journalists who are present. So I guess he's Jeff Gannon Jr. But hopefully without all the sex stuff. Because not only is he a kid, he's not a very attractive kid. Toby walks back to the entrance, where C.J. tells him that Jed is on the way. Jed enters with Annabeth. As he's proceeding to the podium, Toby tells him, "If you're in the mood, there's a young man in the back you might want to call on." The press conference begins.
Capitol. In the Veep's office, a Congresswoman is putting on her earrings, and she tells the group, "I love you all, but two days without a change of clothes, I may switch parties." People are disgruntled, and some want to leave. Santos asks that they give it another hour, and just then, Donna enters the room and tells them that Haffley just called the vote. Santos asks Arkansas if he has his voting card, and tells him to "go on out there and vote."
Press Conference. Jed calls on Chris for the first question, and she asks him if he has any regrets. He tells them that his biggest regret has been the inability to contain the deficit: "I know an election cycle is warming up, and no one wants to hear about budget deficits, but both sides are gonna hear about them from me. That's my campaign promise." I'd be more excited if I thought this was going anywhere, but so far we haven't heard anything about the whole "good fight" thing they started talking about in "365 Days," so I'm not holding my breath.
Capitol. Santos leads his gaggle of members through the halls of Congress. They're striding confidently in a great flying wedge formation.
Outside the House chamber, Haffley is shaking the hands of Republicans who have voted when we hear the town crier yell out, "One more vote arriving." It's some dried-up old woman named Angela. Haffley tells her that they've "got this one sewed up."
The flying wedge is seen marching across a landing.
Arkansas heads out of the House chamber, having cast his vote. Haffley greets him, and tells him, "Thought maybe you'd join us on this one. Administration bend your ear?" Arkansas tells him that he made his own decision.
The flying wedge continues its march through the Capitol. At this point, I kind of expect them to burst into song, like the Sharks or the Jets. I'd like to see what kind of dance moves Mikulsky could pull off. There's a nice overhead shot of them crossing through the rotunda. (Which makes perfect sense, since the Veep's office would logically be on the Senate side of the building.)
Outside the House chamber, Haffley is telling Arkansas, "I had such high hopes for you." To a staffer, he describes Arkansas as being wet behind the ears. Come on, Haffley. Don't make fun of his abnormally large ears. And then Haffley trails off, as he sees Santos and the flying wedge come round a corner. He looks devastated, but we know that he really enjoys the humiliation. After they all walk past Haffley, he sees Cliff standing in the hallway. He looks at the Speaker and says, "Good match today." And then the little man walks away.
At the press conference, Jed calls on Cody. Cody asks, "Do you think the budget deficit is especially unfair to younger Americans?" Jed tells him that he thinks it is. And then when real reporters are trying to get a question in, Cody demands a follow-up: "Do you think we'd have such a large deficit if children were allowed to vote?" I don't know -- if politicians earned their votes by promising them all free ice cream or X-Boxes, we might. But Jed responds, "Allowing children to vote is worthy of consideration." The press conference continues.
It's now evening in the White House. Kate and C.J. pass each other in the hallway as they each prepare to go home. C.J. congratulates Kate on defusing the Canada crisis. I'm glad she waited an entire day to get around to that.
C.J. walks into Cliff's office, where he's Santos being interviewed about the stem-cell vote on the news. She congratulates Cliff on the outcome, and he tells her that it was a group effort: "Santos was the brains. Two-hundred and sixteen Congressmen and women did the voting." She asks how it went on the squash court, and he tells her that he beat Haffley best of five. Cliff packs up his gear and turns off the television. Fade to black.