By Deborah
Previously on The West Wing: Josh tells Sam that Leo was in treatment for Valium addiction; Charlie and Zoe take a shine to each other, and C.J. succumbs to the charms (or something) of Fishboy.
National Reconnaissance Office, Washington Navy Yard: A peon notices something suspicious on a screen displaying kilohertz satellite photographs; he calls his colleague, Jack, over. Jack wants to know how old the picture is; the first guy says that it's about twenty minutes old. Upon enlarging one small part of the screen, they determine that they are seeing "two CVEs and four destroyers." (Actually I only see three destroyers, but whatever.) Jack: "Let's get some help."
A door swings open at the Pentagon. A guy in military uniform announces to two other official types (one in full uniform, one in a sweater-vest) that, so far, they've been able to identify elements of the northern, central and western command armies, and that they all appear to be front-line divisions. They are still working up the divisional identification. He further confirms that the naval contingent consists of two CVEs and four destroyers. Sweater-Vest asks where they're going; the first guy replies, "Pakistan." Full Uniform Guy says, "I'm sold. Let's brief the COs." Sweater-Vest dials the phone; behind him we can see the Washington Monument lit up in the darkness.
Back at the White House, Josh and Donna are walking through a hallway. Josh is explaining to Donna how much she'd like caddying. Donna, naturally, is somewhat skeptical: "Don't I just lug your golf clubs around?" Josh insists it's good exercise, and tells her that she'll also be reading the greens (at least I think that's what he said; I know zilch about golf) and helping with club selection. Before he can sell her any further on the joy of being his personal pack mule, a security guard says, "There he is now." to the security guard there's a man in a heavy coat and scarf, holding an envelope. Envelope Guy asks, "Joshua Lyman?" As soon as the Josh gets a load of this guy, he whines, "Oh, maaaaaaan!" in exactly the way a teenager would if you grounded him for not doing his homework. Envelope Guy asks again: "Are you Joshua Lyman?" Josh says, "Is this Claypool again?" Envelope Guy serves him with a subpoena to give deposition to...well, somebody, probably Claypool, but before Subpoena Guy (formerly Envelope Guy) can finish, Josh asks the security guard, "Why do you let him in the building?" Subpoena Guy asks him to just sign the form to prove that he was served. Josh snatches the form muttering, "this is the forty-third time..." and since they're in the middle of a big open area with no horizontal surfaces nearby, uses Donna's back to sign it. He doesn't ask her to turn around or say anything to her at all, but a subtle gesture from each of them and he's got the paper up on her back and he's writing his name. This bit of business was accomplished so smoothly that it quietly underlined the relatively well-oiled machine that is Josh and Donna's working relationship. While he's signing it, he asks Subpoena Guy, "This is Freedom Watch, right?" Subpoena guy confirms this. Josh mutters, "You guys are real patriots." Subpoena Guy offers, "I hope this hasn't inconvenienced you too much." "Being subpoenaed? No, why would that inconvenience me?" Subpoena Guy takes his form and wishes Josh a good day. Josh: "Thank you! Drop dead!" Donna and Josh walk away, and Josh waggles the envelope up in the air to his head, says, "That's what I do now: I'm a professional hostile witness." Donna ignores this and asks, "Would I get to drive the cart?" Turns out Josh, and apparently all "real golfers," don't use carts. Donna then wonders if real golfers don't also carry their own clubs. Josh: "No." Donna: "Would you pay me extra?" Josh: "No." "Do you play in the winter?" Josh: "We'd wait until spring but I'd want you to start practicing with that bag right away." He breezes off into Mrs. Landingham's office, leaving Donna to contemplate this irresistible offer. She and her ponytail swing off in the other direction.
Josh greets Mrs. Landingham and she asks how he's doing. "I've been subpoenaed." Mrs. Landingham says, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?" Josh helps himself to a cookie from the giant crystal cookie jar on her desk. He mentions that POTUS asked him to come by, and Mrs. L tells him that POTUS and Leo just left for the Situation Room. (Love the sound of that: I think I'll start calling my office "the Situation Room.") Josh looks grave and takes off.
Situation Room: it's lit slightly brighter than if you were, say, hosting a séance. Whatever. POTUS and Leo burst in, and take their seats as someone places a plastic engraved sign that says "Kashmir" under a large digital clock on the wall opposite POTUS. The clock reads 4:36:31; to it is a clock reading 6:36:31 for DC time. (Yes! They got it right. I hate it when shows goof up on the simplest details.) POTUS says, "Admiral Fitzwallace?" Hey, the admiral is John "Good Times"Amos! Fitzwallace briefs the President: less than a half hour earlier, the Indian army launched an invasion along the Kashmir ceasefire line into a part of Kashmir held by Pakistan. POTUS wants to know if India's objective is clear. Fitzwallace replies that it's not. POTUS wants to know exactly what sort of force they're talking about; is it five guys in a Humvee? A guy named Mitch, who's to Fitzwallace, tells POTUS: "They committed the Fourth Motorized Infantry Division, the Ninth and Twenty-Sixth Infantry Divisions, and two other armed brigades, as well as four CVEs and two destroyers." Hey, I thought it was two CVEs and four destroyers; whatever. ["Maybe India has some kind of Transformers technology?" -- Strega] Leo: "All told?" Fitzwallace: "Three hundred thousand troops, sir." Yikes. Leo looks at POTUS, who takes off his glasses and says, "In the last twenty-five minutes?" POTUS points out this is an extremely large piece of troop movement to have happened on a whim. The admiral agrees. POTUS: "This was long planned." Fitzwallace: "Yes, sir." POTUS: "All I'm trying to do right now...I'm trying to avoid making eye contact with the CIA director." The CIA director, a white-haired guy who doesn't seem to have the decency to at least look like he knows he screwed up big, says, "Mr. President..." POTUS interrupts: "Three hundred thousand troops? I can't move my motorcade from K street to Connecticut without it showing up on a weather satellite." "We dropped the ball, sir." POTUS stares at him very seriously and slowly says, "Pick it up again, would you, please?" CIA Guy: "Yes, sir." POTUS wants to know if there's any chance this is an exercise or a threat gesture; there's a small possibility that it's the latter. Jed then wants to know if there's any nuclear activity; Fitzwallace doesn't know. POTUS snipes, "Well, I wouldn't worry about that, that's probably not important information," and glares at CIA Guy. The director of the CIA states that intense surveillance has been ordered. Leo wants to know how intense. He's informed that the nearest orbiting satellites have been diverted to the area, and the KH superplatform has been tasked into stationary orbit over the northern subcontinent." It will be six hours before it's on station. POTUS looks at his watch and orders the crisis task force activated; he wants them to be ready to give him national security briefings.
Roll the credits. (Can you believe how much happens in four minutes on this show?)
White House, later that evening. Sam and Toby are hustling through a hallway, and Sam's asking what the ambassador is saying. Toby wants to know which ambassador; Sam indicates that he means the Pakistani ambassador. Toby explains that they don't have a "guy in Pakistan"; they never got around to appointing an ambassador. Isn't that, like, a fairly huge oversight? Especially for such an embattled area? Sam can't believe it either. They breeze past Mrs. Landingham with a cursory greeting and pause outside the door to the Oval Office. Toby asks Sam, "What are you hocking me for?" Sam points out that maybe the reason Pakistan got invaded is because it's been over a year and they have no one in Pakistan. Toby says, "Yeah." They enter the office as Leo is briefing POTUS and Josh on the Pakistani defense forces. Josh can't believe all this happened without any CIA awareness. Jed tells Toby that the UN Security Council is having an emergency meeting to try to effect a ceasefire. Toby replies evenly, "Well, I feel better already, Mr. President." Sam wants to know how they could not have an ambassador in Pakistan. Jed says they were getting to it. Toby wants to know how the CIA could have missed the movement of three hundred thousand troops across the border. Josh asks if it's only conventional weapons that are involved. POTUS doesn't answer Josh but asks Toby, "Toby, how much do you know about India and Pakistan?" Toby replies, "I know that any war between these two countries that begins with conventional weapons isn't gonna end that way." POTUS tells Josh to take care of briefing the Hill. Just then, C.J. wanders in (shouldn't they have the door closed?) and says, "Good evening," in a bright-yet-tentative, what-are-you-all-talking-about-here-without-me? kind of way. She apologizes and says that Charlie and Mrs. L had stepped away, and wonders if they'd like her to go back and wait outside. Leo says they were just breaking up. C.J. asks if she can "tell the room there's a full lid" (odd expression) and Leo says yes. C.J. says she'll send them home, and leaves. Leo says he'll brief her in the morning. Just outside the office, Charlie is typing away as Zoe wanders in. She says hi and he stands up to greet her. Zoe asks if her dad is in and Charlie says he'll tell POTUS that she's here to see him. She declines and Charlie tries to insist but Zoe says she'll just wait; then she says, "So Charlie, do you ever get a night off?" He responds, "No, actually." Zoe: "That's too bad." Charlie's cool: "No, it's all right." Zoe: "No, I meant 'cause it'd be cool to go out or something." Charlie, congenial and professional and completely unprepared for where this is going: "Yeah." Pause. The light dawns and his expression changes. "I'm sorry...you mean, with me?" Zoe doesn't really answer but says, "Charlie, you know you don't have to stand up the whole time I'm in a room." Charlie agrees; "Yeah. I don't know why I do that," and sits down. Just at that moment Josh breezes out and greets Zoe, who heads toward her father's office with a last cute glance at Charlie, saying, "Anyway...too bad." As Josh and Sam hustle out past him, Charlie sits in his chair contemplating the fact that the daughter of his boss, who just happens to be the President of the United States, has just asked him out. That was rather adorable.
Sam and Josh are in the hallway after the meeting as Josh announces that he's been subpoenaed. Sam seems unsurprised and asks if it's coming from Claypool. Josh confirms that he was subpoenaed under the Freedom of Information Act, after it was reported that he ran an internal investigation subsequent to Lillienfield's accusation that the White House staff are "all on drugs." "Not all of us, Josh; just one in three." Sam wants to know who Josh is bringing with him to the deposition the following day; apparently, Josh isn't bringing anyone, as he considers it a "non-event." Sam contends that he should bring a lawyer. Josh: "I am a lawyer." Sam gives a brief chortle and replies, "Seriously. You should bring a real lawyer." Josh: "Thanks for the pep talk." Just then Mandy "It's All About Me" Hampton slithers up behind them and says "Joshua." Josh cheerily replies, "Madeleine." (Sidebar: Is her name Madeleine or is it Amanda? She's been called both. Even if people are just making assumptions about her name, she's not the type not to correct someone on a point like that. I know it's a small thing, but it's bugging me.) Mandy declares, "We're going to look good in California!" Josh: "I'm gonna look pale." Mandy, all smirky smiles, clarifies: "I meant the President." I have no idea what she's talking about, but whatever. Josh veers off toward his office and Mandy wants to talk to Sam. Turns out Mandy's considering taking on Mike Brace, a Republican, as a client and thinks Toby and Josh might have a problem with that, and wants Sam to try to smooth the way for her. Sam laughs in disbelief. Mandy starts to list off Mr. Brace's redeeming qualities: "He's moderate-to-liberal, he's good on education, he's good on women's rights..." Sam: "And he's a Republican." Sam, clearly thrilled that Mandy seriously intends to get his help on this, sinks down into his chair and says, "Well, it's just my lucky day." Mandy decides to pour on the flattery: "Sam, I think you are the one senior guy here who is more interested in getting things done than beating the other..." Sam interrupts before she can finish to protest that Josh and Toby are just as committed. Mandy begs to differ and cites the banking bill, the land-use rider, and assault weapons issues as proof of her point. Sam tells her it will be an impossible sell; Mandy maintains that it shouldn't be. Sam insists it will. Mandy relents: "I know." Sam then tells her, "I admire your pluck." Mandy's slightly befuddled and wants to know what part of her he admires. Sam repeats: "Your pluck. Your gumption." (I think the words you're looking for, Sam, are "colossal nerve" and "gall." Note to self: get Sam a thesaurus for Christmas.) Mandy thanks him and confirms that he'll speak to Josh and Toby.
Sam: You're gonna owe me a big favour.
Mandy: Sam...
Sam: All right, we'll be even.
Mandy (as she leaves his office): Sam...
Sam: All right, I'll do this and many more favours for you and we'll be even.
Mandy: Thank you.
Yeesh. Is there anyone in the White House you'd less rather owe a favour? What's she done for him, anyway? Also, Moira Kelly's accent is really getting on my nerves. I'm aware she probably can't help it but honestly, her manner of speaking is so annoying I need to carp about it anyway.
In the briefing room, C.J. is telling the assembled media types (no sign of Fishboy) that there will be a briefing at 9:00 AM the morning on the "market adjustment." Someone in her audience says, "Market adjustment?" C.J. replies that that is what they've been asked to call it and tells them they can all go home. One youngish reporter, Bruce, puts up his hand and tells her that he has a source at the Pentagon that claims there has been massive troop movement on the Kashmir border in the last few hours. C.J.'s slightly incredulous: "In the last few hours?" Bruce maintains this and C.J. politely but firmly tells him that he needs to get a new source at the Pentagon. There's some minimal laughter but Bruce persists: "There's nothing to it?" C.J. wants to know what kind of troop movement he's talking about. When C.J. hears that he's talking about three hundred thousand troops and a few warships, she tells him she thinks someone's having a little fun with him. Bruce asks her if she's sure. C.J. replies that she was just in the Oval Office ten minutes earlier. Bruce lets it go and C.J. bids them good night. At the back of the room Toby watches in silence as C.J. unknowingly digs a grave for herself.
The morning, Admiral Fitzwallace is in the situation room describing the intense fighting that's been going on, and indicates that the ceasefire line has been breached in two places by sizable forces. POTUS then asks a man named Bobby to speak. Bobby reports, "In the past hour Prime Minister Mohamed spoke on television saying that, 'After enduring endless provocations and incessant acts of thuggery by the criminal gang running Pakistan, India's forbearance has been exhausted. In the name of peace, India is acting to put an end to Pakistan's outlaw aggression, once and for all.'" At least, my husband (hereafter known as Professor Frink) and I both thought he said Prime Minister Mohamed, and just stared at each other, each of us thinking the exact same thing: In what parallel universe would India have a Prime Minister bearing the most Muslim of all names? During the commercial, Professor Frink snorted, "What name are they gonna give the Prime Minister of Pakistan? Krishnamurti?" Upon listening to it again about twenty times doing the recap, I've come to the conclusion that he actually said Prime Minister Nohamed, which is still a very Muslim-sounding name, and not at all Hindi-sounding. I have to say, they're really, really taking the wish-fulfillment thing over the top if this name was intentional and not actually an egregious bit of ignorance. ["I was busy wondering if an Indian P.M. would really use a word like 'thuggery' that might remind viewers of those kooky Thugs." -- Strega] Anyway, Leo wants to know what Pakistan has to say about all of this and Bobby informs him that Pakistan is condemning India's unlawful aggression and pledging all-out resistance. Grave looks all around. POTUS announces, "Well, we've got ourselves a ball game." Admiral Fitzwallace agrees. There's going to be a nuclear briefing that afternoon at three o'clock. POTUS thanks everyone and he and Leo take off.
Donna and Toby are walking through a hallway, talking about Josh's deposition. Toby wants to know what kind of information they're looking for; Donna says they want information about the investigation. Toby says it wasn't an investigation. Donna: "I'm sure Josh will mention that." Of course, Toby wants to know if he took a lawyer, but Donna tells him Josh didn't. Toby: "Oh good, I like the sound of this." He then enters Leo's office where C.J. is waiting for both him and Leo. She asks if he knows "what this is about" and Toby admits he does, indicating that he stopped by her office before. Apparently C.J. was at some reception, so Toby hasn't had a chance to let her in on what's going on. At this moment, Leo arrives and tells her of India's invasion of the neutral zone, that the UN Security Council is trying to negotiate a ceasefire, and that he expects the government to begin playing a role with the forty-eight to seventy-two hours. He also tells her she can begin briefing the press that night and that he wants her in on some of the meetings that are going on. C.J. is obviously stunned, and Toby's quiet and looks very sheepish. C.J. says nothing at first, but closes her notebook and stands up. Calmly, she asks if this happened last night, and if that's what they were all talking about when she walked into the Oval Office. Leo apologizes but C.J. continues: "You told me the lid was on." Leo tells her gently that she's going to have to expect that sort of thing sometimes. She points out that she was actually asked about the troop movement and that she flatly denied it and called it ridiculous. Leo says she can tell them she spoke without knowing the facts. Controlling the sarcastic tone way better than I would, C.J. says, "I guess that's what I'll do." Leo claims that as soon as she tells them India's the story it'll all be forgotten. C.J. tells them curtly that she's fine and leaves to go to the meeting across the hall. Toby gives Leo a somewhat dejected look.
After way too many commercials, Josh's deposition by Claypool is being filmed. Josh gives his name, rank and serial number, making no attempt to hide his boredom and hostility, and indicates that he has held his current position "since President Bartlet was sworn in twelve months ago," which effectively settles the debate on The West Wing forums on MBTV about exactly when in the Bartlet administration the show is set. Claypool asks if Josh has been conducting an investigation of drug use among White House staffers, to which Josh replies that he "wouldn't call it an investigation." because "it wasn't that serious." Claypool challenges him as to whether he considers illegal drug use at the White House to be serious. Josh: "Whoa...you almost tripped me up in that clever web of words. No, I would consider drug use in the White House to be serious. I wouldn't consider my investigation serious, and the way you know it wasn't serious is that I was the one running it." (I'll have to remember that line.) Claypool wants to know who asked Josh to look into this; he replies that it was Leo and Toby. Claypool ascertains that Josh is aware that the organization he represents is suing under the Freedom of Information Act for the records of the investigation. Josh informs Claypool that there aren't any records. Claypool wants to know if Josh told anyone about his being subpoenaed for this deposition. A look barely passes over Josh's face at this point, a mixture of "who did I mention it to?" and "where's he going with this question?" before Josh tells him that he mentioned it to Sam. Naturally Claypool wants to know why he mentioned it to Sam, and Josh has to indicate about three times in a row that he had no particular reason for telling Sam. Claypool obviously doesn't believe him but moves on, asking if he spoke to anyone else about it; Josh says he told Donna. "What did you tell Mr. Seaborn and Miss Moss about this deposition?" A mischievous look crosses Josh's face as he replies, "I told them I had to waste a day on this deposition." When Claypool asks what else Josh told them, Josh starts to respond with something to the effect of complaining about "these moronic lawsuits of [Claypool's] to be..." but Claypool butts in with "Why do you persist in..." but Josh cuts him off, pointing out that his organization is not committed to getting at the truth but is motivated by an anti-Bartlet agenda and a desire for headlines and money. Josh reminds him that Claypool has two hours today and two hours the day and he would like to be offered some coffee. I'm thinking it's going to be a long two hours.
Back at the White House, a couple of young, fast-talking eager beavers are briefing C.J., Toby, and Sam on a bunch of ultra-basic facts about India and Pakistan, the kind of stuff you'd copy out of an encyclopedia to put in a fourth-grade geography project. They've got a board on an easel with a couple of maps and some documents tacked up on it. When they start to tell the senior staffers about the average rainfall, Toby says exactly what I'm thinking: "What the hell kind of briefing is this?" Eager Beaver #1 pleads that "if [they] could just have another hour to prepare..." Toby asks them where they got this information; Eager Beaver #1 responds, "Swear to God: the Encyclopedia Britannica." (I knew it!) C.J. snaps her file folder shut and throws it disgustedly on the table as she races out, saying, "I need a briefing!" Toby tries to tell her that they're getting someone else, but she's gone. Sam tells him "She'll get over it." Toby leaves with Sam hot on his heels, saying that he wants to ask Toby something without "[his] head exploding." Not likely, but Sam goes ahead anyway and asks him what his first reaction would be if Mandy wanted to work for Mike Brace. Now, if I were Toby, I'd say, "Hey, just the ammunition I need to show that annoying little guttersnipe the door," but Toby's calmer than I, though no more impressed. Toby asks Sam (twice) if this is a joke, and declares that he's "in disbelief." Sam starts reciting Mandy's list of Mike Brace's good points and Toby demands to know if Sam is "shilling for her." Well, yes, obviously, but of course Sam denies it, saying he's just "smoothing the way." Toby: "Please don't do that." Sam: "She just asked me to take your temperature." Toby: "And please don't do that." With that, they've reached the Oval Office and enter. Inside, some unspecified expert named Joe is discoursing on the nature of the weapons India possesses. Apparently they've got two intermediate-range ballistic missiles, named Agni-1 and Agni-2 (agni being Hindi for "fire"); a fifty-five kiloton A-bomb (roughly 50% more destructive than the Hiroshima bomb); and an H-bomb.
Toby: Joe, can you assess the command-and-control situation?
Joe: Well, this is the truly terrifying part...
Toby: Good, 'cause we were waiting for a truly terrifying part.
As it turns out, CCI Systems (the manufacturers of these weapons, I guess) is notorious for putting money into the weapons only and ignoring the many necessary safeguards. Joe further explains that leaders are reluctant to share information for obvious tactical reasons. Joe then reads from a Department of Defense overview: "At various times both countries have displayed an incoherent decision-making system. You cannot predict what will happen in a crisis." A long pause while everyone looks at each other; finally Jed makes a kind of "who-knows?" gesture with his right hand and sighs. "Well...bring in Dr. Strangelove and we're all set." Leo and POTUS thank Joe and he and his staff leave. POTUS then says: "There's an India expert I want to bring in." Leo: "Who?" Jed just stares meaningfully at Leo until Leo guesses and says "No" in a "you've-gotta-be-kidding-me" way. POTUS asserts, "You guys are gonna love him." Leo claims he's a "lunatic," to which POTUS responds, "He's colourful." Leo: "He's certifiable." POTUS finally names him: "Lord John Marbury, former ambassador to New Delhi from the court of St. James." When Sam asks where he can be found, Leo snipes, "A psychiatric institution." POTUS re-asserts the Lord's "colourfulness" but I suspect Leo's more on the money here. "You're really going to let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?" Jed: "We can hide the women, but the man deserves a drink." This should be good. POTUS tells Sam to get the guy on a plane and Toby and Sam leave. Sam tries again to say something to Toby about Mandy representing Mike Brace, but Toby won't let him. Sam lets it go. Toby then tells Sam he feels like he should say something to C.J. Sam advises Toby against it, because it would seem patronizing. Sam feels that by saying nothing, it sends the message that Toby thinks she's professional. Toby decides to go see her anyway, prompting Sam to call out after him, "You see what you do? You ask me my advice and then you ignore it." Toby, breezing away: "Yeah." Sam: "Okay."
Over in C.J.'s office, she calls her secretary Carol in to tell her, "In the few weeks it's going to be important that the White House reassure Americans and the world that the President has a firm grip on the crisis and is working hard to defuse it." Carol acknowledges that. C.J. continues: "They're misspelling 'New Delhi.'" Carol asks, "They're putting the 'h' in the wrong place?" C.J.: "Hey, I'm happy when they use an 'h' at all." Carol assures her it will be fixed and leaves as Toby arrives. He begins, "I was warned that coming to talk to you might be insulting to your professionalism." C.J., with a challenging smile: "Well, you wouldn't want to do that." Toby tries to explain that it was too soon for the information to go to the media, and that the reporters don't think she lied to them. She points out that they think Toby and the rest of them lied to her, which is what happened. C.J. explains that she had just gotten to the stage of having some strong credibility with them and getting their respect. Toby starts to tell her that there is a concern about her, but C.J. snipes, "Don't ask C.J., she doesn't know anything." Toby persists: "There is a concern that you're too friendly with the press." C.J.: "Really?" Toby says that he knows it's important for her to have a friendly relationship with the press; C.J. points out that it's important for all of them. Finally she asks, "Does this have to do with Danny Concannon?" Toby ventures, "People see you with Danny." C.J. chucks her pencil down on the desk, gets up and says, "This is outrageous." Toby insists that it was just this one time, and admits they sent her in uninformed because they thought there was a chance she couldn't lie to the press. C.J. just stares at Toby for a moment, as his total lack of faith in her ethics and professionalism sinks in, and says, "Okay. I have all this work to do," and sits down dismissively. ["I can't help thinking that her bruised feelings seem like a trivial consideration compared to the threat of nuclear war. Don't know why Toby didn't mention that." -- Strega] Toby, deciding he's probably done enough damage there, leaves and runs into Josh in the hallway, returning from his deposition. Josh claims things went fine, but Toby tells him to take a lawyer for the second day of deposition. Josh: "You got four hundred and fifty bucks an hour?" Toby: "No." Josh: "Then mind your own business." (Wouldn't the White House pay for a lawyer for a deposition of its deputy chief of staff? I'm just asking.) Toby tells him to take Sam (is Sam a lawyer? ["I think he is; in 'The State Dinner' he has an exchange with Laurie that indicates he is." -- Wing Chun]) but Josh insists the whole thing is nothing. Toby orders him to do it and Josh seems to relent. As he walks away, he asks Toby, "C.J. pissed?" Toby: "Yeah."
scene: later in the evening at the White House. Charlie enters the Oval Office to tell POTUS that the Chinese ambassador is at the gate and will be in the Mural Room in a moment. POTUS says, "This oughta be delightful." Picking up the President's jacket, Charlie helps Jed put it on and asks how he would feel about Charlie's going out on a date with Zoe. POTUS puts down the cup he's gulping from and says, "I'm sorry?" Charlie starts to elaborate that Zoe suggested that if he had a free night...but Jed interrupts with "My daughter asked you out?" As Charlie says, "Yes, sir," I'm thinking, here we go, it's Guess Who's Coming to Dinner time in the West Wing.
POTUS (half under his breath): Shoulda locked her in the dungeon.
Charlie: I don't think you've got one, sir.
POTUS: I coulda built one.
Jed tells Charlie that he's picked the "absolute worst time in the world to talk to [him] about this," and I have to say, I agree. At that moment Leo arrives to let Jed know the Chinese ambassador's ready. Charlie takes his leave; once he's gone, Jed drinks some more coffee and says quietly to Leo, "He wants to go out with Zoe." Leo doesn't say anything but he gets the best, incredibly wide and goofy grin on his face. POTUS: "Shut up..." Leo puts the kibosh on the grin and they hustle off to the Mural Room.
POTUS greets the Chinese ambassador, who is played by a HITG! that I know I've seen at least a dozen times before. I'm thinking he was one of the evil human organ-lottery guys in the "Hell Game" episode of the X-files; I'm betting either Wing or Strega will know. ["I'm sure he's been on M*A*S*H and probably Magnum, P.I. but I dunno about The X-Files." -- Strega] ["Yep, he was in that episode of The X-Files, and also played Wayne's girlfriend's dad in Wayne's World 2; according to the IMDb he hasn't been on Magnum P.I. but he was on The A-Team and, Hollywood being what it is, many episodes of Kung Fu. His name is James Hong. -- Wing Chun] Anyway, POTUS launches into his pitch about how they must cooperate to effect a ceasefire and a pullback in Kashmir, before things escalate. The ambassador indicates that China has every hope for his success, but that his orders from Beijing are that there's no way they're going to allow India's aggression against Pakistan, since it intensifies the possibility of Indian aggression on China's border. He claims that China would like to see a peaceful solution, but that the country is prepared to use whatever force necessary to repel Indian forces. Jed says heavily, "Well, this just keeps getting better and better."
The morning, Mandy's hounding Sam about Toby's response. Lady, you are getting on my last nerve. Go. Away. Sam says he told Toby everything, but that Toby did not warm to the idea. Josh (and his backpack -- how cute is that?) appears to collect Sam for the deposition, and Mandy tells Sam to talk to Josh enthusiastically about the idea. As they walk away, Sam explains. Josh is not a whole lot more impressed than Toby was.
Josh: She understands he's a Republican, right?
Sam: Yeah, she's a pretty bright girl.
Josh: Oh, I'm gonna kill her.
Sam: So you're saying no way?
Josh: Yeah. That's a big 10-4, yeah.
POTUS and Leo arrive for another round of handshakes with the Pakistani ambassador and his staff. POTUS indicates that they've been trying to reach the Prime Minister of Pakistan without any luck, and wonders if the ambassador can help. The ambassador explains that of course the Prime Minister is busy organizing the response to India's "latest unprovoked aggression," but that he'll try to help. POTUS reminds the ambassador that he publicly condemned India's action just that morning; apparently Pakistani officials feel that his condemnation wasn't quite strong enough for their liking. POTUS takes up the challenge, suggesting that his condemnation might have been stronger if his State department didn't feel the Indian action was provoked. The Pakistani ambassador says that the action in the area has been the Kashmiri people demanding their human rights; defenseless people standing up to a cruel oppressor. Leo interjects that the people in question are hardly defenseless: "They're carrying the M-16s we sold them." POTUS says that the U.S. is committed to finding a reasonable solution to the "dispute"; the ambassador takes exception to this and characterizes it as an "illegal occupation by the Indian state." POTUS doesn't want to argue semantics but dredges up some rhetoric about the need to find a way for India and Pakistan to exist together in the global community. That doesn't sit too well with Mr. Ambassador, who asserts that Pakistan does not wish to co-exist in a global community with "criminals." POTUS is obviously disappointed and opines that the Indian ambassador will probably hold much the same position. Naturally the Pakistani ambassador could not care less about that. He and his staff shake hands with Jed and Leo and leave. Charlie pops in to get directions from POTUS, who says that he'll see the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office. "And then, if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please." (Here's hoping Mandy'll pipe up with, "I'll have some of what he's having." No such luck, I'm sure.)
As Leo follows Jed into the Oval Office, POTUS carps about Zoe's asking Charlie out. Leo: "She's a very outgoing girl." POTUS: "See, but a dungeon would have put an end to that." Very straight-faced, Leo says, "We learn these lessons the hard way." Jed accuses him of trying to cover up the fact that he's enjoying this. Leo, letting a wry grin surface: "I'm not trying to cover it up at all." Jed protests that he's a father in pain. Leo: "Well, really, you're just a pain." Then he asks Jed, "Got a racial problem?" POTUS is taken aback; Leo suggests it's okay to admit it. Drawing himself up, POTUS insists that he doesn't have a racial problem. "I'm Spencer Tracy at the end of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner," and no kidding, Martin Sheen at this moment is totally channelling Spencer Tracy. So cute. He goes on to say that his problem is not that Charlie's black and Zoe's white, it's that she's a girl and he's not (I'll resist the obvious joke I could make here); and furthermore, he's got a problem with the fact that Charlie's older. Leo says, "She's nineteen, he's twenty-one." POTUS: "Yeah, but a guy learns a lot in those two years." Leo: "Okay." POTUS: "Tracy was good in that movie." Leo: "Yeah." These two are such a good pair. The Indian ambassador arrives sans entourage and tells Jed he's looking well. The President says he was looking a lot better before his country "breached about fourteen ceasefire conditions without so much as a phone call, so let's sit down and talk."
Claypool's got Sam and Josh in his clutches again. Claypool's hammering Josh about whether or not there is any documentation associated with his investigation. Apparently, it's the seventh lawsuit that Claypool has brought against the White House, and the fourth time he's deposed Josh, demanding documents that don't exist. Claypool clearly doesn't believe him, but moves on to ask Josh if he found any evidence of staff drug use. Josh says no. Claypool reminds him he's under oath, at which point Sam interjects that it's the seventh time Claypool's reminded Josh of that fact since he sat down. Claypool asks if there are alcoholics working in the White House. Josh says, "Does the Pope work Sundays?" Actually, he says quietly, "I would imagine that there are..." Claypool keeps at him until Josh admits that he knows for sure that there are. Then Claypool asks for their names, and makes with his pen like he actually expects to be given names to write down. Perhaps Claypool is abusing substances. Naturally Josh asks him if he's crazy, whereupon Claypool gives him some blather about "a higher standard" and Sam throws a file in his briefcase, snapping it shut and saying Josh is not going to give out names of people he knows to be alcoholics. The question is whether Leo McGarry is an alcoholic. Josh refuses to answer, and further refuses to answer a question about whether Leo received treatment for alcohol addiction. Claypool then asks whether Leo received treatment for Valium addiction. Sam declares that Josh is not obligated to answer that question, since it is irrelevant to Claypool's cause of action, which is to obtain documents (under the Freedom of Information Act) pertaining to Josh's investigation. Very lawyerly, dude. Claypool's clearly annoyed, but still undeterred, querying whether Josh looked at people's Secret Service files in the course of his investigation, including Leo's. Josh admits that he did. Suddenly Claypool produces some documents claiming that Leo spent twenty-eight days in a substance abuse facility. Josh says that the piece of paper was obtained illegally, to which Claypool replies that that's his own problem. He comes at Josh one more time, trying to get him to admit that in the course of his investigation he discovered that Leo was treated for both alcohol and drug addiction. Sam and Josh are both silent and finally Sam says they're going to postpone this deposition, and when Claypool protests that he's not finished, Sam tells him that if he's got a problem with their postponement, he can cite them for contempt. Sam and Josh start to leave the room. Claypool's after them chiding them for not worrying more about their own reputations and starts to speechify about the "notion of [their] standing up for a man so egregiously unqualified..." at which point Josh grabs Claypool by the lapels and pushes him up against the wall. Sam comes back to yell at Josh as Claypool pushes Josh off himself. Sam tells Josh to go, which he does; then the camera comes in a little closer as Sam gets up in Claypool's face and tells him: "You're a cheap hack. And if you come after Leo, I'm gonna bust you like a piñata." Whoa...y'all should open up a can o' whoop-ass on him too, there, Sam. "Bust you like a piñata"??? Whatever you say, Princeton, old boy. Claypool seems pretty unmoved as he straightens his jacket and tie.
Back in the Oval Office, the Indian ambassador accuses Jed of having a problem with the fact that the threat of sanctions no longer affects India. POTUS counters that his frustration is due to the fact that both India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons, and, as he so folksily puts it, "a tendency to get cranky." The ambassador insists that India will be a nuclear power. That pretty much ends that meeting, and Leo shows the fellow out. Once he's gone, POTUS says, "Every time he talks about colonial Western imperialism, I always want to remind him that the United States is also a revolutionary country that threw off its colonial masters." (There are so many things outrageously wrong with trying to equate India and the U.S. on this front that it just about makes my head explode, and I can't quite believe that Sorkin has put such naïve words in the mouth of the Prez, but I'll spare you all the tirade. Also, I'm trying to get this recap done already.) Leo asks him why he doesn't say that. POTUS waves his arm a bit and says, "I keep forgetting." That's just as well, Jed; the guy would probably take your head off if you did say it. Charlie knocks and POTUS says with great anticipation, "Is he here?" and as Charlie goes to show "him" in, Leo mutters "Oh, God help me." In marches Lord John Marbury, played by Roger Rees (Robin Colcord on Cheers), and he's all great British cheer and crinkly and unshaven and gold-buttoned navy sport coat. Speaking of the clothes, he's wearing what appears on my screen to be a lilac shirt, a slightly shiny, somewhat squash-coloured tie and an Hermès-type patterned pocket square with said navy sport coat, so right away, you know he's a nut. Marbury and POTUS greet each other quite enthusiastically and POTUS asks about his flight. Marbury pronounces it "Intoxicating!" and Jed shoots Leo a slightly nervous look. Marbury presents his hand to Leo and says, "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Lord John Marbury; I was summoned by your President." Leo: "Yes, we've met. Ten or twelve times. I'm Leo McGarry." Marbury volleys, "Oh, I thought you were the butler." Leo, less amused with each passing moment: "No, I'm the White House Chief of Staff." Marbury's indifferent and wants a light for his cigarette, but Leo very seriously tells him, "Oh, I'm afraid we don't allow smoking in this part of the world." Hee hee! Marbury's indignant and raises his voice, "Really? In this part over here we encourage it!" When Leo says, "Sir?" in that "come again?" kind of way, Marbury cheerfully tells him, "It's 'Your Lordship,' as a matter of fact, but it couldn't possibly make the least difference." Then Marbury asks POTUS how he can help: "If it's within my power to give," he says, oddly pushing out a puff of breath, "you shall have it." POTUS tells him that they need his take on things; when Marbury asks Jed for his take on things, Jed replies, "The world is coming apart at the seams." Marbury contemplates this and roars, "Well then!" He wheels around, thrusts his overcoat at Leo's chest, and says, "Thank God you sent for me!" Leo, holding Marbury's overcoat and wearing more than a trace of that "there's-a-boll-weevil-in-my-egg-salad" look, looks at Jed and says, "Yes." Nothing like a dipsomaniac drama queen to liven things up.
Post-commercial, C.J.'s slouched way down in a chair, reading glasses perched halfway down her nose, and she's on the phone telling someone (Fishboy, maybe?) all about the illustrious Lord Marbury: "His name is Lord John Marbury. He is the hereditary Earl of Sherlbourne, he's the great-great grandson of a former viceroy, and for thirteen years he's served as the Queen's Minister to either India or Pakistan. Lord Marbury's here to counsel the President, and if you think this is all starting to sound like a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta, I don't blame you a bit." Hee! Just then Carol arrives with Toby lurking in the background and interrupts her. C.J. gets off the phone and stands up to greet Toby in a very subdued way. Toby plunges in: "I feel that I didn't have the opportunity to properly articulate my argument." C.J. says, "Either I'm a trusted member of the communications staff or I'm not, Toby. What was your argument?" Toby indicates that that was his argument, or at least it was when he was arguing with himself in his head. He sits down on C.J.'s couch and fiddles with his tie. C.J. asks if he's apologizing, to which Toby replies, "Yes." He kind of gives her a meek sidelong glance, and C.J. folds her arms and waits for a while, finally asking, "Well?" Toby: "What?" C.J.: "Apologize!" Toby: "I'm sorry!" C.J. says, "God!" and kinds of gives an exasperated smile, as she plops down to Toby. He says, "I was trying to do it nicer than that." Aw. C.J. wants to know whose idea it was to keep her out of the loop; Toby confesses it was his. C.J. implies that he said something to the effect of, "India's invaded Pakistan; let's not tell C.J." but Toby denies that, saying, "I said it nicer," and gives her an endearingly sheepish look. Once again, aw. I guess all is forgiven.
Just outside her office, Josh is returning from his deposition. Donna asks him if everything went okay, but he tells her it didn't. Toby and C.J. emerge from her office and C.J. tells Josh, "Toby apologized to me," pausing, "in his way." Josh invites them into his office and closes the door. Elsewhere, Sam is also just getting back to his office as scenes of a war zone, presumably Kashmir, play on a various monitors around the office, including some footage of former CBC reporter Sutinder Bindra. Sam's sitting in his chair stressing about the Leo thing, when we hear Mandy's dulcet tones. Not. Naturally she's back to ride his ass about whether he spoke to Josh about Mike Brace. Sam tells her it's a bad idea and she starts sneering about how she thought he was "the champion of bipartisan cooperation and the spirit of..." but Sam cuts her off with, "Leo's in trouble. You're a political consultant. Your job isn't to end the fight, it's to win it. Now, you can work for us, or you can work for them, but you can't do both." As Mandy gives him the hurt and confused puppy look, Josh arrives to collect Sam on his way to see Leo. Sam walks out, leaving Mandy to contemplate her self-serving move.
In his office, Leo is basically telling Marbury that he's full of it and that Marbury is "dramatically overestimating" the possibility of the Kashmir conflict escalating. Marbury declares that "interesting" and asks Leo what his name is again. Lord Dipso launches into a little speech: "Happily ensconced in the cocoon of your Cold War victory, you're woefully ignorant of the powerful historical agents in Asia. The global triumph of the economic free market has created an illusory assumption that the world is drawing itself closer together. Your Congress has been pathetically inept at halting the proliferation of nuclear weapons in this region, and uh, your intelligence-gathering is, uh...weak. India and Pakistan have fought three wars in the half-century since they have gained their independence with God knows how many skirmishes in between. It is about religion." You got that right, old bean. He concludes: "I can assure you, they do not share our fear of the bomb." Charlie pops in at that moment to let Marbury knows he has a phone call, which the Lord asks POTUS if he can take in the foyer. At Marbury's French pronunciation of "foyer," Leo can barely conceal his contempt, and as soon Marbury's out of the room, Leo snipes to the Prez, "I don't even think the accent's real." Jed says he's going to ask Marbury to stay and help them out; Leo, naturally, wants to know for just how long. Jed merrily tells Leo, "You two are going to become good friends." Leo gripes, "He thinks I'm the butler," to which Jed replies, "For the first couple of weeks, so did I!" Leo just shakes his head. At that moment Leo's secretary Margaret comes in and whispers something to Leo, who asks to be excused.
Leo and Margaret go into his office where Toby, Josh, Sam and C.J. are assembled. Josh tells him that the deposition didn't go well and that Claypool has his rehab records. Josh says that he thinks Claypool's move will be to go to a reporter, and he wants to know if Leo's family and the President know about his addiction. Leo tells him that they do. Josh regards him seriously and after a brief pause, asks Leo if he's "ready for this." Leo says yes. Josh tells him, "Then we're here for whatever you need. We just wanted to come in and tell you that." Leo gazes around the room at the serious, worried faces of all these people who've got his back, and looks humbled.
POTUS is cooling his heels waiting for both Leo and Marbury to come back, when Charlie comes in to see if he needs anything. Jed starts in about how there's a quote from Revelation he's trying to remember, about a horse. Charlie says he never got around to reading Revelation. POTUS motions for Charlie to sit down and tells him that his hesitation about him dating Zoe was not because he's black. Charlie says that he didn't think it was -- that he thought it was because he's a guy. POTUS agrees, but indicates that he'd still like them to go out and basically confers his blessing. "Just remember these two things: She's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me." Charlie smiles and relaxes a little: "Yes, sir." And then POTUS is serious again, and adds, "Also this: No kidding. You go out with Zoe, you're going to get your picture taken. There's going to be a lot of people not wild about the sight of you and the President's daughter. You know what to do with the mail, right?" Charlie's grave, too: "Yes, sir." POTUS stands up to shake his hand and advises him, "You keep your head up." Charlie: "Yes, sir." POTUS, muttering: "Should've built a dungeon." Charlie: "Yes, sir." Then POTUS is on about Revelation again, and a horse, and death was riding on it, and Charlie restates the fact that he's never read it, possibly confirming the President's suspicion that Charlie is not enough of an overeducated dweeb to be son-in-law material. ["If that's the criteria, I nominate Toby." -- Wing Chun] POTUS rummages in a drawer, finally locating a lighter, as Charlie leaves. Leo and everybody wander into the office. Leo starts, "Mr. President, before Lord Fauntleroy..." Jed: "Lord Marbury." Leo: "Whatever. Before he comes back in the room I wanted to tell you that Josh's deposition did not go well, and that the story will probably break soon." Jed asks how Leo is doing; Leo says he's fine. He then tells Leo, "Don't you ever forget the battles you've fought and won." And indeed, even the considerable political and military battles Leo has won probably pale in comparison to having conquered addiction. Lord Marbury returns, blathering, "I'm uh, back, uh, and I believe there are many more people in the room." Leo: "Excellent deducing, Your Lordship." Marbury ignores this and tells the Prez that his phone call was from the British ambassador to the United Nations, informing Marbury that he believes that there'll be a ceasefire within a few hours. Jed says that he'd heard that, but all they got was two weeks. Marbury replies that "it's two weeks better than nothing." The President then tells Marbury that he'd like him to stick around and help out. Marbury: "A few days, a few months, however long it takes is as long as I shall serve." You can almost see through Leo's suit to where his ulcer is forming nicely, and he says, "Well, let's play it by ear." Poor Leo. As if he doesn't have enough problems. Marbury turns to the other people in the room and says, "You're all frightened...as well you should be. Not since the Protestant-Catholic wars in the sixteenth century has Western society known anything remotely comparable to the subcontinent's religious malevolence. Uh, to a lesser observer, the intensity of the emotional frenzy is so illogical as to border on mass psychosis, but as has been said by kings and queens, I am not a lesser observer." POTUS starts in about the horse from Revelation again, and Marbury quotes, "And I looked and I beheld a pale horse and the name that sat on him was Death and Hell followed with him." POTUS seems both slightly intimidated and impressed and asks, "Are you frightened, John?" Marbury clarifies: "Do you mean, do I think we can stop a war in the two weeks? Yes." POTUS claps him on the arm, and says, "Good!" Marbury pulls his cigarette out of his pocket and waves it in the air, saying, "But, uh, I shall require a light," before sticking it in his craw. POTUS tosses him the lighter with a smile. Smoke'em if you got'em, I guess.