By Strega
Having joined the glamorous lifestyle of the MBTV family, all I can say is: props to the caterers. And of course to Doppelganger and Sugar Larry, whose recaps of the first two episodes gave me enough information to figure out who all the characters are. I'd also like to mention that my computer crashed when I'd almost finished this, so I had to redo most of it, and words cannot express how tired I am of typing the name "Katzenmoyer."
Previously on The West Wing: Tension grows between Leo and the VP, the staffers exchange witty banter, and a dead cop's son is hired as Sheen's aide.
A title cards inform us that it's Monday. The Prez is speaking at an event of some kind, with a banner behind him reading "Practical idealism," which is a nice contradiction in terms and therefore a completely plausible political slogan. The Prez finishes a joke with the punchline, "Why is it only sons of bitches know how to lick a stamp?" which inexplicably causes the audience to howl with laughter. As he rallies the crowd in favor of gun control laws, Leo answers his phone and is disturbed by what he hears. He finishes his call and tells Josh, "We lost five votes." Josh says, "Give me names," and Leo says "I don't got [sic] them yet."
I don't know a whole lot about how this works...I know they do keep careful track of who is going to support or oppose a bill, and it seems to me that if they know that five people have changed sides, they ought to immediately know which five. But maybe they don't know because of a communication problem. I'm just sayin', it seems odd.
The Prez continues his rabble-rousing with the old saw about how if you have the law on your side, argue the law, and if you have the facts on your side, argue the facts, and if you have neither, bang your fist on the table. Then he says, "Well, we have the law on our side now, and we have the facts on our side now..." So that little anecdote had nothing to do with your debating position; why mention it? Also, the Prez is shouting in the manner of a revival preacher. As far as I know, politicians who rise to this level, for better or for worse, aren't this enthusiastic about anything, because yelling a lot tends to scare people.
Josh and Leo are on their phones, trying to find out how they lost those damn votes. Maybe they're under someone's couch cushions. The Prez finishes his speech and exchanges hugs with folks as the band breaks into "Happy Days Are Here Again." Cue the obligatory walking-and-carrying-on-mutiple-conversations-during-one-continuous-shot. Sam and Toby discuss the fine points of the speech. C.J. compliments them both, but then Josh tells her that "we lost five." C.J. is wearing a halter-top evening gown, and I think there's something weird about her back but I'm not sure what. Sam complains about the musical selection. Mandy insists that the president likes "Happy Days Are Here Again," and Sam says "We try to avoid having the president make aesthetic decisions." The Prez asks Toby what he thought of the speech, and Toby says "I thought my work was outstanding, Mr. President." That seems true to form. The Prez admits to improvising a bit, and we know that he is very happy with his changes, and that Toby isn't. Toby says that the First Lady left a message reminding the Prez to take his back medication, but the Prez says "Those darn things make me goofy." Amazingly, no one asks how Martin Sheen could be goofier than he is. They finally arrive outside at the Prez's limo, and a few girls scream "We love you, Josh!" Josh thanks them and jumps into a car. C.J. offers "It helps not to know him." Heh. ["'Josh'? When Sam is around? As if!" -- Wing Chun] Good thing there aren't any reporters around to speculate about conflicts among the staffers. Cue the credits.
The gang is eating Chinese food. Leo gets off the phone and says he's identified two of the dirty rats who changed sides on the vote: Katzenmoyer and Wick. Josh enters and adds O'Bannon to the list. Josh is shocked to hear that Wick changed his vote, and insists it must be a mistake. Leo says they have seventy-two hours to get those votes back. Mandy says obviously they won't involve the Prez on this. Um, why? Whenever there's a last-minute battle like this, they make a big deal about how Clinton (or whoever) is making phone calls to everyone on Capitol Hill, because it's good PR to let the public know that the president is actually doing something. C.J. mentions that it's time for the annual financial disclosures, and Mandy suggests "People will really get a kick out of hearing how much money you guys have, especially when they find out you don't have any." Toby says this is humiliating, but Mandy says they'll love him when they find out he's broke. Toby sarcastically agrees, adding that "Women especially can't get enough of my 1993 Dodge Dart." Toby is sort of bitter and mean, isn't he? I like him. Sam guesses the other two votes they need are Tillinghouse and LeBrandt, and adds that to get their votes they'll need to get help from the Vice-President. Leo doesn't like that.
Leo arrives home and his wife, Jenny, comes down to ask why he's so late. ["Canadians will recognize her as Sara Botsford of E.N.G.. Oh, wait. They totally won't, because even Canadians don't watch Canadian TV." -- Wing Chun] Leo apologizes and tries to explain, but she's having none of it. Leo finds a watch, a present from Jenny. He asks why she got it, and she says it's an anniversary present. D'oh! Jenny heads upstairs to bed.
The title card informs us that it's Tuesday. Toby is talking to someone named Leela, who in no way resembles Leela from Doctor Who, in case you were wondering. ["Nor does she resemble Leela from Futurama, unfortunately." -- Wing Chun] Toby is in trouble. Basically, he bought stock in an internet company, and arranged for an old friend of his to testify before the Commerce Committee about internet stocks. Partly as a result of that testimony, internet stocks boomed, and Toby's $5,000 investment is now worth $125,000. Guess he can get a better car now. Toby insists that he doesn't understand anything about stocks, and it's all a coincidence. Leela points out that manipulating the stock market is a felony.
Josh and Sam do the walking-and-talking thing and discuss how to get this bill passed. Sam says they'll need to make deals, and the question is, "How do we get five votes without giving away everything in the store." Sam says they shouldn't offer anything, and that "LBJ wouldn't have taken this kind of crap from Democrats in congress." As they walk, people keep congratulating Josh, but he doesn't know why. As for Chris Wick, Josh says, "I own his ass." Must have been one of those Ebay auctions. They enter an office, greeted by cheers and applause. Donna tells Josh that he won the contest for "Best gift valued at over $25 on the financial disclosure report." I must sadly confirm that this is the sort of thing Washingtonians would find fascinating. Josh asks what won, and she tells him it was the "$1189 Vianitelli [?] silk smoking jacket from Miss Sarah Wissinger." The $345 antique scrimshaw cigarette holder she gave him took second place. As they march on, Josh tells Sam he'll take care of Chris Wick, and Josh stops to ask him where he's going. Befuddled, Josh asks Sam, "Where are you going?" Sam says he was following Josh, and Josh says he was following Sam. Josh says, "Don't tell anyone this happened, okay?" and exits the way they came. Hee. Anyone else remember that scene from This Is Spinal Tap where they try to find the stage? As Sam continues down the hall, Toby comes out and asks Sam for help. They walk off-screen, and then Leo walks on-camera followed by Margaret, his secretary. I bet they have a lot of problems filming these scenes, with people crashing into the cameras and each other. Golly, I can't wait to see those clips on the TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes special.
Leo is instructing Margaret, to order champagne and dinner as a make-up gift to his wife. The secretary asks if he wants a violinist, but Leo says "No. 'Cause after the initial thing wears off, there's just a guy with a violin in my house." Leo is also ordering a Harry Winston choker (translation for guys: expensive jewelry). Leo and his secretary argue about how much money he's spending on all this. The secretary says, "Excuse me for not having made $40,000 a pop on the lecture circuit." Leo growls at her to stop reading the disclosure reports. Josh enters, and agrees with Leo about nixing the violinist. However, when he learns that Leo forgot his wedding anniversary, he suggests getting a string quartet instead. Exit the secretary, and Josh says he is about to meet with Katzenmoyer, and wants permission to "kick his ass." Josh says "ass" a lot, doesn't he? He convinces Leo to let him threaten Katzenmoyer instead of offering him a deal.
Josh and Katzenmoyer stroll along the mall and discuss business. Apparently Katzenmoyer is not doing well raising funds for his re-election campaign, so he can't afford to piss off the NRA. He says two years from now they can count on him. Josh says, "Vote yes, or you're not even going to be on the ballot two years from now." He says that if Katzenmoyer doesn't support this bill, the Prez will personally endorse a Democratic opponent to Katzenmoyer in the election. Josh concludes, "President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for." Josh puts on his junior-G-man sunglasses and leaves the distressed Katzenmoyer. I hope this means I don't have to type that name out any more.
Sam tells Toby that there's two kinds of trouble: actual trouble and PR trouble. He says Toby is in no actual trouble, although he should hire a lawyer, "Because technically you've committed a felony punishable by imprisonment and fines reaching into the millions." Toby seems to find little comfort in that news. As for the image problem, Sam says "I can't help but [sic] be reminded of a bright and energetic young White House deputy who took no end of admonition and grief because of a woman he was friends with." Ten points for using the vocabulary word "admonition" on broadcast television. Toby says he supported Sam then, and Sam says that's why he's happy to help Toby now. Sam tries to reassure Toby that few people are actually aware of his problem, just as, with a thud of irony, C.J. jokes her head in and asks if she can borrow $125,000 to buy lunch. C.J. snickers away. Toby concludes, "I'm so...completely screwed." ["I love C.J. -- Wing Chun]
C.J. answers questions about the Prez's financial disclosures as Josh enters. Josh says he got Katzenmoyer (argh!), O'Bannon, and LeBrandt back on their side for the vote. He's on his way to meet with Wick, but repeats that they need the Vice President's help to get Tillinghouse on board. Pausing only to abuse Donna, Josh enters his meeting with Wick.
Josh starts right in on Wick, who tries to explain by saying, "Uh, look, about that, dude." Josh snaps, "Shove it, dude, we're not in a frat house anymore." Josh keeps interrupting Wick for a while before finally letting him finish a sentence. Wick explains "I've one [sic] photo op with the President. One. Me and sixteen other freshman. That makes me weak." Wick might have a point, although not one that the viewers will sympathize with, but I can't help thinking he might get more respect from his peers if he didn't say "dude" and could form a complete sentence. Josh asks, "You're voting down a measure that would restrict the sale of deadly weapons because nobody invited you to the cool kids' table?" Josh speaks for most of the country, saying "Y'know, I'm so sick of Congress I could vomit." He negotiates with Wick, who settles for a game of chess with the President in exchange for his vote.
C.J., Mandy, and Sam admire the necklace Leo got for Jenny. Toby asks, "Could we possibly talk about me?" It appears not, since Josh enters to announce that he's secured four of the five votes they need, but they need the Vice President to get Tillinghouse. Leo has another idea: he'll talk to Richardson. You really need a scorecard to keep track of all these people. Sam tells Toby that, with his stock fortune, he could buy a necklace like the one Leo purchased. Toby says, "There's literally no one in the world that I don't hate right now." I really like Toby.
Leo walks past the Lincoln Memorial with Richardson. Richardson is adamant about voting against the bill. Apparently various parts of the bill were modified in order to move it through Congress more easily, and Richardson thinks the bill is ineffective as written and a waste of taxpayer money. Richardson is black, and apparently Leo thinks that makes it appropriate for him to point out that most victims of gun-related crime are black men. Leo says, "An entire generation of African-American men are being eaten alive by drugs and poverty." Richardson critiques various points of the bill, such as the "three-day wait to see if you're crazy, as if wanting the gun wasn't a pretty good heads-up in the first place." Heh. He concludes, "You write a law that can save some lives and I'll sign it. In the meantime, please don't tell me how to be a leader of black men. You look like an idiot." Word. The actor playing Richardson was good, but I can't help wishing it had been Yaphet Kotto.
Josh and Mandy trade quips. Leo calls to say his talk with Richardson didn't go well, so Josh says they'll set up a meeting between Leo and the Vice-President.
Leo arrives at home to find a taxi outside and a packed bag by the door. Ruh-roh. The dinner he ordered sits on the table, untouched. Jenny enters, and says she can't handle living this way. Leo says, "This is the most important thing I'll ever do." Jenny points out that "It's not more important than your marriage." Leo responds "This is more important than my marriage right now. These few years while I'm doing this, yes, it's more important than my marriage." No one is surprised when Jenny puts on her jacket. Leo says he made time for her tonight, and she says he didn't; because "Margaret phoned to confirm your 9:00 meeting with the Vice-President." Busted! Jenny looks genuinely regretful, but says she has to go, and that she'll be at the Watergate. Given that he's hardly ever there, it seems like she could stay in the house and he could move. Leo chokes back tears to say, "Call me before you go to sleep." She agrees, and exits. Aw. Poor Leo.
Vice President Otter...I mean "Hoynes" is reading the paper when Leo comes in for their meeting. Leo, looking a bit wobbly, starts to tell him about the vote, but Hoynes interrupts to ask if he's feeling okay. Leo sits down and says that his wife just left him. Hoynes offers some platitudes and ice water, and immediately agrees to talk to Tillinghouse. He then invites Leo to his Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Apparently he has a weekly secret A.A. session with some federal judges and other bigwigs.
Per the title card, it's Wednesday. Can you feel the excitement?
Mandy confronts Josh because it seems he received those expensive gifts from Miss Wissinger several days before he broke up with Mandy. As they meet up with C.J., Toby, and Sam, Josh says that "I really thought a nice by-product of not going out with you anymore would be that you wouldn't yell at me anymore." Mandy says, "That was a bit unrealistic, wasn't it?" Leo enters, and everyone asks how things went with Jenny last night. Leo pretends it went swimmingly, and then explains that the Prez is having back trouble again, so their morning meeting is cancelled. They prepare to head out, but just then the Prez enters from outside, wearing jeans and a Notre Dame sweatshirt.
Remember when I asked how Martin Sheen could possibly be goofier? Prepare to find out.
The Prez asks what they're talking about, and Sam says Toby has a small problem but it's nothing important. The Prez insists, "Well, I like to roll up my sleeves," as he mimes doing that, "and, you know." We begin to suspect the Prez has been sampling his pain medication as he finally concludes his thought: "Get involved!" Leo asks if he took the Vicodin or the Percoset, and the Prez looks taken aback and asks, "I wasn't supposed to take them both?" Oh, that wacky commander-in-chief! C.J. suggests that they get the Prez back to bed, but he refuses, and tells them all that he loves them very much. I wonder if Martin got some tips from Charlie for this scene. Turning to Sam, he says, "Tell me what the problem is, Toby." Sam reminds the Prez that he isn't Toby, and the Prez wraps his arm around Sam's neck. Rob Lowe looks very amused here. Toby summarizes his financial problem for the Prez, who responds thoughtfully, "Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?" They again try to call off the meeting, but the Prez insists his mind is sharp. "Here's what I think we ought to do," he says, and then asks Sam, "Was I just saying something?" Luckily, Sam suddenly comes up with a plan. C.J. will release a statement insisting there was no impropriety, and to remove any doubt Toby will voluntarily reduce his salary to $1 for the year and cash out his stocks. Toby doesn't like this idea, but everyone else loves it. The Prez gives Toby a hug as Charlie enters to take him back to bed. The Prez stands and announces, "Before I go, please let me just say this: I'm seriously thinking about getting a dog." As he leaves, he discusses the potential of Irish Setters with Charlie. Toby opines that he feels "like [he] just got screwed with [his] pants on." Everyone has a good laugh at Toby's pain.
The Veep settles down for breakfast with Tillinghouse, who is a very old, scary man. Tillinghouse insists he is voting his conscience: "As long as they got a gun, I want my wife to have a gun, I want my daughter to have a gun, and dammit, I want one too." He adds that Josh's browbeating of the others is not winning any friends, and that they're "a-talking about political retribution." Yes, he said, "a-talking." He's supposed to be from Texas, you see. Hoynes tells Tillinghouse to vote yes on the bill, and that Tillinghouse can mention this conversation to the disgruntled Congressmen. Tillinghouse asks what he'll get for supporting the bill. Hoynes says nothing right now. "Then why am I handing you a personal political victory?" Hoynes answers, "Because I'm going to be President of the United States one day, and you're not." Oh, that scheming Vice-President! He's undermining the President in order to shore up support for himself! He looks very smug, but Tim Matheson always looks smug, so it's hard to tell if that's intentional or not.
As we admire a night view of the DC skyline, we hear various news reports. The bill passed, but that darn Hoynes is getting all the credit for it. The staffers watch the news in disbelief. (Mandy: "Unbelievable." Sam: "I don't believe it.") Mandy says, "We loosen the ketchup bottle and he pops the top off." Sam adds, "And keeps the ketchup." That came very close to making sense. Leo makes the obscure comment that, "It was hubris, and we got what we deserved." Which part was hubris? The bill, or getting Hoynes to help, or something else? Just curious. Before leaving, Leo adds, "Listen, we won." Toby suggests waking the Prez to tell him the news, but C.J. says it can wait till tomorrow as she toys with a magic eight-ball.
Hoynes is in his office when Josh drops in for a visit. They exchange pleasantries regarding the bill's passage, and Josh says, "I'd say you did well sir. In fact, you may be the only one who did. I just came by to say congratulations." As Hoynes heads out the door he tells Josh, "Welcome to the NFL." Huh? Did he fall off the wagon? Josh watches Hoynes leave and all but growls at him.
Leo descends a staircase and tells the secret service agent that he's there for the card game. He enters the room and closes the door behind him. I think the A.A. thing is just a cover, and it's really an Illuminati meeting.