Mad props to cookee, who got this tape to me on time by paying way more than she should have for priority shipping. Also for cutting the commercials out.
The first thing you need to know is: I know nothing about poker. I know about as much about poker as I do about the no-fly rule, or who won the Stanley Cup last year, or how much a bag of dope goes for these days. Don't email me to try to teach me about poker; better people than you have tried, I can assure you. The only reason I can even summon up a phrase like "no-fly rule" is I read a lot of Sars's stuff, and it's the sort of thing she refers to often. I'm not going to be reporting every card played, so if the poker geeks among you want to critique every game in detail, tape the show the time it's on. Apparently, Bravo runs it a lot. When it comes to colour commentary, my strength is paint chips, not card games.
This show, which I've never seen before, starts with a lot of glitzy, Vegas-y graphics and late-night-talk-show-style music and voice-over. The host is actor Kevin Pollak. I know who he is, but I looked him up on the IMDb and I don't think I've seen even one of his nine hundred films, so I didn't know what to expect. He was, however, not especially funny. Is it just me, or does he remind other people of Jim Belushi? Also, he was wearing a jacket, an open-collar shirt, and a fedora, a look that I think is really played, and for some reason annoys me out of proportion. It's just...doofy. So he blathers and I gather that there are going to be a series of games, with the winners of each competing for an ultimate prize of $250,000 for the charity of the winner's choice -- or maybe $100,000. There's mention of both figures, and it's not at all clear to me how the prizes break down. The person providing blow-by-blow commentary along with Pollak is a poker expert named Phil Gordon. Pollak welcomes Timothy Busfield (Danny Concannon), Allison Janney (C.J. Cregg), Richard Schiff (Toby Ziegler), John Spencer (Leo McGarry), and Martin Sheen (aw, you know who). I'm very sad that Brad Whitford's not a part of this. Don't you think Brad would have brought the troublemaking, rabble-rousing energy this show needed? Richard's in a pale apricot shirt and even paler jacket. Martin's wearing a dark blue V-neck sweater over a light blue shirt. Timothy's wearing a nice-looking very pale greyish-blue shirt made of some very appealing fabric that I want to touch. John's in a slate-blue shirt with a tan jacket. Do I even need to tell you Allison looks fabulous? She's wearing black pants, black high heels, and a black sleeveless top with one of the straps arranged off the shoulder. There are little bits of sparkle in the top, but nothing tacky.
Pollak warns Martin: "If you get bad cards, you cannot invoke some sort of..." He seems at a loss for the word "privilege." Martin knows what he's driving at, though, and is agreeable. Pollak explains the rules of No Limits Texas Hold'em, which is the style of poker they're playing here. A narrator explains the rules: each player gets two "hole" cards face down, and each player bets. Then three community cards, called "the flop," are placed face up on the table; they're common to everybody's hand. I guess everybody bets again, and then another card, called "the turn," is overturned. Then they bet again and another card, called "the river," is overturned. Then they bet again, and players make the best hand they can out of all the cards on the table and their hole cards. If that's not right...well, whatever. We're just here to groove on the stars, not witness world-championship poker-playing. Each player has $10,000 in chips. The narrator says, "Every hand, the first two players will have to make forced bets known as blinds, to start the action and build the pot. At regular intervals, these blinds will increase, making the pot higher and higher throughout the tournament." We are shown chip stacks labelled "small blind" and "big blind." An important thing to know about life: just because you can explain something doesn't mean you understand it. They lost me when they started talking about blinds. There are minimums but no maximums on bets. Players can bet their entire wads if they wish. I'm expecting some reckless betting.
At his little announcer's desk off on the left side of the stage, separated from the playing table, Pollak introduces Phil Gordon. There's some more blather about the rules of the overall competition, but who cares, really? This is the one and only episode we're recapping. Our attention is directed to a little fake living room area decorated in Mid-Century Hipster style with a couch, coffee table, and TV. There's a white light fixture above the couch that kind of looks like three giant rambutans hanging from the ceiling. On the coffee table is a bowl of three big meaningless shiny metallic balls. I like to pretend to myself that they're subliminal reminders of the relationship between pawn shops and gambling. In my defense, I do know that I'm weird that way. Some chick in gold lamé halter top, hot pants, and knee-high boots, holding a tray, waves to us. Pollak explains this is the Losers' Lounge, where the losers from each round can gather and talk smack about those still in the game.
Finally, we cut to the playing table, where the five players are holding hands and uttering some noise halfway between praying and ululating and pretending to...I don't know, commune with Gamblor, the dark lord of poker or something. Allison's really into it. They break it up, and Martin claims he felt something -- a vibration. Richard tells him that it was him: "You were vibrating." The dealer -- a woman who is never introduced -- deals the first hand. She's periodically called up to explain or confirm the rules. We often get to see the hole cards as each player looks at them which, as Richard later points out, makes it more intimidating, because everyone watching knows if you folded or didn't when you should have, unlike when you're not playing for an audience, and you can just shove your cards back in the deck when it's over before anyone sees them. First hand: John bets, Richard folds, Martin calls, Allison folds, and Timothy...calls, I guess. I'm really not any clearer on the "calling" than the whole "blinds" thing. We get the flop, and they keep playing, and we've got Narrator Guy standing at the table talking about the game as well as Phil commenting on top of this. I think there are too many hosts, commentators, and whatnot. There's a lot of "check"ing, and I don't know what that's about either. Nobody's got a killer hand, though, from what I can make out. While I'm pondering what the hell is supposedly so fascinating about this game, Martin suddenly wins the pot of $2,900.
We cut to a little segment interviewing Martin about the charity he's playing for, which is the San Carlos Foundation, of which he is Vice-President. There are little graphics like a pair of cards; one has a picture of Martin, and he's a King. I thought that was because he's POTUS, but everybody's a King except Allison, who's a Queen. Martin talks about starting to play poker as a child and how he played when he was working as a caddy at a swanky private country club in Ohio way back in the days when he was still Ramon Estevez. He says he's a long shot: "I have no style when it comes to gambling. I just do it." He cracks up into a wheezy laugh.
Back to the game: Allison goes first and bets $500. Timothy folds, John calls, Richard raises it to $1000, and Martin calls. When the flop's revealed, Timothy makes a pained face at the camera; I guess he should have stayed in. There's a whole bunch more checking and giggling, and frankly, if it made Allison Janney laugh, I would watch a mime pretend to repair circuit boards, because as I have said, she and Gillian Anderson have the best laughs on TV. Except that these days, you get to hear Allison's laugh on The West Wing about as much as you ever got to hear Scully's, and that is just nine kinds of wrong. Remember when The West Wing was funny? Yeah, me too. Good times. Another card, more checking, more laughing. Phil says they're playing their cards and not their opponents, and I guess that's not right. He says it's a "classic no-limit mistake." Another card, another pained face from Timothy, more checking and laughing and joking. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but it's certainly more diverting than most of what I've seen in Season Five. They all show their cards and John and Martin split a pot of four grand.
Cut to John's interview segment; he's playing for Professional Children's School, the high school he attended. (Don't you find it hard to imagine John Spencer as anything other than middle-aged? I do.) He talks about how competitive he is, and how, as a New York stage actor, he and other actors would play poker on Mondays, their day off. He describes himself as an erratic player. There are some shots of John smiling and grinning, which his fans should enjoy. His eyes look very green on my screen; I've been labouring under the notion that they're blue. I should just ask mjforty. John admits to bluffing, but claims he never cheats.
game: Richard's first. He chews his gum vigorously while he decides what to do; he calls. Martin calls, Allison folds. Timothy raises and John folds. Richard and Martin call. Flop. Tim keeps betting; Richard folds. Tim checks, and Martin laughs. Martin is just so adorable. Just as Phil says that the only way Tim can win is to catch a five, that's the card the dealer turns over. The pot is $5200. Timothy bets all in; the pot is $12,600. Allison: "Come on, Martin!" Martin goes all in, too; pot's $19,700. Everyone comments on how nervous Timothy looks, and Martin shows his hand, but Tim's is better, and Martin wins a free trip to the Losers' Lounge. Martin hugs everybody and laughs in his incredibly good-natured way while leaving. He's the antithesis of a sore loser.
Pollak welcomes Martin to the Lounge, reminds him that the San Carlos Foundation still gets $5000, and congratulates him on the gutsy move of participating, since apparently Martin's never played Texas Hold'Em. Pollak rehashes the game until Martin pretends to cry, but he can't even do that for laughing. Pollak says they call it the Losers' Lounge but he renames it the Lounge for Nonwinners. He advises Martin to watch the game on the Nonwinners' TV set and make fun of his colleagues. Martin: "I will."
After the commercials, we're back at Pollak's desk, and he says, "Still pretty early in this administration's term -- that's called a 'play on words.'" God, thanks for the bulletin -- I had no idea. That's called "sarcasm." If this is a sample of this guy's comedic ability, things are in an even worse state than I assumed. Chip count: Timothy has 20,700; John, 10,900; Richard, 9,800; and Allison has 8,600. Pollak: "That's the order of succession; let's get back to the game." Wait, dude, was that a play on words? Don't leave me hanging here!
Phil explains, as the hand is dealt, that with fewer players, you want to relax your idea of a good starting hand, and play more hands, because the blinds are coming around faster. Or something like that. Honestly, I am just not following this. This round, we get a look at Allison's segment; she's playing for the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund. She affably describes herself as a little too competitive, and admits to "throwing things" -- cards, ping-pong paddles, whatever. Yikes. I wouldn't have taken her for the sore loser/anger-management-problem-having type. She seems like the epitome of a good sport. She thinks it would be great if she were the big winner, "because no one expects it." Apparently, her dad told her that her nostrils flare when she lies, and she attempts to demonstrate. It's fairly hard to see much nostril action. She laughs and says, "That's my talent!"
Back to the game: Allison's got a good hand, but everyone's betting quite actively, except Timothy, who must have folded when I started thinking about what to use as an accent colour in the bathroom. Richard chomps his gum and blows bubbles, and the pot keeps increasing. John suddenly gets four sixes just as Richard increases the pot to over ten grand. Allison has five spade cards, and she raises the pot another three grand. She's also got two pairs. I'm not sure what Richard's doing, because his hand doesn't seem so great, but what do I know? John seems mildly dumsquizzled by Allison's last bet. John re-raises, Richard folds, and John says, "Claudia Jean...." Heh. Allison goes all in. The audience hoots and applauds, but Pollak tsks-tsks. The pot is $21,600. Allison laughs as they show their hands, and she realizes she's lost. She seems pretty good-natured for a sore loser. She takes her cocktail and hugs and kisses everybody before wandering over to the Losers'...er, Nonwinners' Lounge, mumbling that everyone was telling her to be aggressive, so she had to try. As Pollak welcomes her, she makes a big L for "loser" sign with her thumb and index finger against her forehead. As they sit down, the couch is so low that between her long legs and the high heels, Allison's knees are about level with her boobs. Comfy. People were shorter in the '50s, I guess. Or maybe it's just that whole swingin' drinkin' lifestyle: you're closer to the floor when you slide off the couch. I don't know. Allison's a champ and makes the best of it. Pollak tells her that the good news is, now she gets to get liquored up. Allison: "Now? I already am!" She admits to getting more nervous out there than she thought she would. They discuss her play for a while, and she summarizes: "I was fearless and I lost a lot of money." Pollak: "And that's a lesson for you kids out there: You have to be careful while being fearless." He adds, "This will get more exciting, believe me, the more you drink." Well, that's obviously my problem right there. Dry as a bone, as usual. Damn this wacky Amish-Muslim lifestyle of mine!
Now that there are two people in the Nonwinners' Lounge, they've each got someone to talk shit with. As Richard begins fiddling with his various accessories (hats, sunglasses, etc.), Allison comments, "Richard is so going to lose -- he can't decide who he is." Martin just laughs. He's probably not going to talk shit about anybody -- he's too nice. Richard seems to have folded, and it's just John and Tim. The pot grows quickly; it's over twenty grand within a few moments. Richard, to the peanut gallery: "Any side bets? Because I need some money." John checks, Timothy bets his wad, and the pot is $31,100. Phil congratulates him on the nice play. John folds and Tim wins.
Timothy's playing for the Planned Parenthood Federation, which immediately moves him up several notches in my estimation. I guess if we can't get C.J. and Toby together, I could be okay if she hooked up with Danny. He says that he didn't start playing poker until later in life. He confesses to being mostly petrified at every turn and every card that's flopped.
Back at the table, Richard's still fussing with his assortment of headgear. He puts a black baseball cap on backwards and dons a pair of dark sunglasses. He sticks a clear pair over those and then puts another dark pair up on his forehead. Timothy chuckles. Pollak: "Richard is now selling glasses." Allison laughs hilariously. You can't watch her and not think of the word "vivacious." She's the woman that word was invented for. Pollak: "They were props; now they're for sale. You gotta tip your hat to the effort. He just wants two cards that make sense." Pollak thinks Richard should just forget about the two cards he gets and bet three grand. Phil would like to see him make a move. Richard folds and takes off all his accessories, along with his jacket. The audience is enjoying his antics. John: "Richard, you're getting the house, though. You may be losing the game but you're getting the house." Timothy and John play back and forth for a moment, and Tim quickly wins the pot of $8,400. Phil comments that Timothy is the one player who clearly knows how to use his chips to his advantage. Allison, fortunately, asks the question that's on my lips: "How do you use your chips to your advantage?" Pollak: "You throw them at your opponent. Hit them in the eyes, preferably." Allison and Martin laugh. That's about the first funny thing the guy's said.
After another commercial, we've got the current chip count: Timothy has 29,900; John has 15,900; and Richard has 4,200. Richard's wearing his baseball cap in the classical manner now (frontward), and has a pair of sunglasses on over it. I think he believes that if he can just land on the right look, his luck will turn. Phil says that Richard's feeling pressure from the crowd, along with being "short-stacked," which I take it means that the guy doesn't have too many chips left. Suddenly, Richard's all in, with a Jack of diamonds and a nine of clubs. Timothy folds, as Allison comes out and brings Richard a cigar and starts massaging his shoulders and arms. Then she whispers something in his ear. While the C.J./Toby fanfic machine goes into hyperdrive, I wonder idly if she's telling him John's hand, which she can surely see. John has a nine of hearts and eight of spades. The flop's a ten, King, and Ace, all spades. Allison's taken off Richard's hat and is massaging and caressing his head. The turn is the six of hearts, and the river is ten of clubs. Richard wins the pot of $8,600. Allison bends down and hugs him tightly from behind. She seems genuinely very excited for him. When she starts to leave, he wants to know where she's going; I think he's afraid his lucky charm just walked off.
Richard's playing for the Weingart Center Association. About his playing style, he says, "I win at all costs." How very Tobyesque. He says he used to get into a game of hearts with some other unemployed people, and they didn't need to play for money: "It was juiced up." He says, "The scary part is because I'm showing you my cards, with the camera, if I bluff and lose, everyone's going to think, 'Man, what an idiot! He bluffed on a five, two.' I worry about that more than anything."
game, Timothy bets three grand on a weak hand, John folds, and soon the pot's up to $13,600 -- Richard's all in. Timothy folds. Richard's in second place now. Timothy has the King and Jack of clubs; he bets $800. John has the nine and two of hearts. Richard folds. Flop: three of clubs, five and eight of hearts. Pot's six grand before long. Turn is the eight of spades. John checks; Tim bets four grand. John drums his fingers and decides to bet four grand. The commentators talk about how John can't possibly think he can win this unless he gets a flush, and he does; the river's the ten of hearts. John checks, Tim laughs, and John says, "Be still, my heart." With five hearts in his hand, I think that was an unconscious slip. Richard wonders if anyone wants to borrow a hat or glasses. They do not. Tim checks, and John wins.
Time for another chip count, after another commercial: Tim has 19,300; John has 17,100; and Richard has 13,600. Phil declares it "anybody's game." In the midst of the game, Richard wanders over to the curtain that divides the playing area from the Nonwinners' Lounge, and someone hands him a panama-style hat, the band of which coordinates perfectly with his shirt. He puts it on and asks, of the brim, in the direction of the lounge, "Down, up?" Allison laughs as various audiences members say, "Down." The pot's soon at $13,600, and Richard raises it to nearly twenty grand. Tim wants "the pro" to come out and talk to him for a minute. Tim folds; John raises the pot by four grand. John and Richard both check, the river card is revealed, and Richard bets it all. The pot is $28,000. John calls it with another $4,400. Richard wins. Pollak asks: "Could it be the hat?"
Okay, this is starting to get old. I think I thought this was going to be more like watching Toby, C.J., Leo, et al., play. More witty commentary, and just more commentary generally. I think perhaps it's only fascinating to watch poker if (a) you actually get the game and (b) you're watching players who are really, really good. Mind you, it's slightly less boring than watching major-league sports, at least until people start punching each other. Do people get into fisticuffs in televised poker games? It seems too sedate for that. hand, John's got a pair of Aces, and he only has about five grand in chips. Pollak makes several bland remarks as the game proceeds. Richard soon folds and John wins the pot of $9,600. Tim congratulates John on a game nicely played.
As the game begins, Tim wonders if there's an extra seat in the Losers' Lounge. John starts to bet on a lousy hand, while Phil and Pollak freak, and then suddenly comes to his senses, saying, "No, these are the worst cards I've ever had." Richard calls, Tim checks, and things seem to be going Richard's way. But the pot's only $1,200. The pot gets up to $5,200, and Richard wins, but both hands looked weak to me. Then we have a segment of Timothy talking about Richard as an opponent while we gets several shots of Richard clowning around with his hats and glasses. And it's time for another commercial.
And another commercial means another chip count: Richard has 37,600; John has 8,500; Tim's sinking fast with 3,900. Phil advises Richard to play conservatively now. Not that Richard can hear him. For some reason I don't quite understand, Richard doesn't seem to be playing the hand. Timothy eventually bets everything -- which, in his sadly diminished circumstances, only brings the pot to $6,500. ("Only," she says, like she would even risk sixty-five cents on a card game. Like six and half grand wouldn't buy everything on her Amazon list and leave room for a very expensive day at a spa.) John calls, and they show their cards; the river card's no help to Timothy, and he's out. He hugs everybody and makes his way to the Losers' Lounge, while Allison expresses her surprise; she thought he would win. Timothy sits down on the couch and throws more metaphors and clichés at us about the last round than have appeared in the entire rest of the show.
Phil reminds us that Richard has a three-to-one chip lead, but says that John has enough to be a "real threat." Richard wishes John good luck, and they bump fists. John gets the eight of spades and the six of diamonds. Someone in the crowd tells him to fold, and he does. Wait, can they see the cards? How do they keep the audience from spoiling the game? It's all a mystery to me. And is that it? He folds immediately, and the game's over? Couldn't you just keep doing that until you got a hand you liked? Man, I'll stick with Scrabble, thanks. ["I think you have to ante before the cards are dealt to you, don't you? So you lose whatever the ante is? I don't know either; my game is blackjack." -- Wing Chun] On his hand, John gets the four and five of spades. The toothpick he's chomping on is dwarfed by the unlit cigar Richard's chomping. John calls. Richard has the Ace of clubs and the Ace of hearts. Richard raises to four grand. John calls. Richard: "Whaddaya have?" John: "Not much." Richard laughs. The flop: King of clubs, five and six of diamonds. John consults with one of the poker flunkies hanging around and calls. He's all in. The pot is quickly at $24,800. Phil says that unless John gets very lucky, they're going to have a winner. Pollak: "There are a lot of cards to come. All right, just two, but still, anything could happen." Cram it, Kev. The turn is the Ace of spades. Even I know that it's in the bag for Richard. John's already clapping for Richard, and the river card is the five of clubs. John can't believe it; Richard agrees that it's unbelievable. Phil says that the three fives aren't good enough, and Richard's won with a full house. Richard and John hug, and everyone emerges from the Losers' Lounge to congratulate them. When Allison hugs Richard, he points to her and tells the camera, "She did it! She won." Aw. Pollak tells Richard that he gets to go to the final round (airing January 13, 2004), and Richard says, "I don't want to play again -- I'm very happy." Pollak reminds Richard that his charity could win $100,000 instead of just $5,000. Richard's down with that, and thanks everyone present for helping the homeless. Pollak presents him with a special silver chip, which he informs us "for now" isn't available in any store. What? Who cares? Yeah, is there a mailing list where I can sign up to be informed when that's available to us commoners? Richard accepts it and holds his hands up, as Pollak asks for applause and the closing music plays. Richard seems to try to put it in his eye behind his sunglasses, sort of like a monocle. Well done, Colonel Klink!