By Strega
Previously on The West Wing, all of the characters introduced themselves for the benefit of new viewers.
For a moment I worry that I've accidentally taped Inside the Actors' Studio, but it turns out to be "the third installment of this year's Marjorie DuPont lecture series." Josh is backstage, talking on his cell phone, trying to find out why someone was arrested. Sam answers, "Drunk driving, resisting arrest, and, I think, disorderly conduct." Sam is on the street a few blocks from the Capitol. He tells Josh that Roberto Mendoza doesn't drink, and that so far the press is unaware that the new nominee to the Supreme Court has been arrested. Sam steps into a cab that just happens to pull up in front of him without his bothering to hail it or anything, but on the other hand he is Rob Lowe and I'd probably pull over too. Josh says, "Stay ahead of the pace, Sam, and have Toby page me. I don't even know if this guy's called a lawyer. Is he sitting in a jail cell right now?" After a pause, he adds, "You're not there anymore, are you? I'm talking to no one at all right now." As he hangs up, the moderator, David, starts reading Josh's résumé: floor manager for the House Minority Whip, Chief of Staff for a congressman, blah blah Deputy-cakes.
At the White House, C.J. asks Sam what Mendoza was arrested for if he doesn't drink. "Driving while being Hispanic," Sam suggests. Toby arrives, and is told that Mendoza was arrested in Wesley, Connecticut. C.J. asks why Mendoza refused the breathalyzer. "Because he's a crazy man who's out to ruin my life," Toby answers. He asks whether bail has been posted, and is told that they can't find a judge to do so. Toby tells C.J., "I will find a way to blame this on you." Leo hurries in and tells Sam to take an Air Force jet to Westchester County Airport, rent a car, drive to Wesley, and get Mendoza out of jail. Why don't they just send Crockett and Tubbs to bust him out? (Admit it, you were thinking the same thing!) He adds, "C.J., [if] Sam sees one reporter when he gets off that plane, I'm gonna blame you!" C.J. says "Toby's got you covered there," and leaves. Toby insists on going along with Sam. Leo reminds everyone to keep him informed as the credits roll.
David asks Josh to tell the audience about a typical day at the White House. Josh offers to tell them about the events of the past thirty-six hours: "Depending on how you look at it, it started either with a Cabinet Secretary losing her temper, a Committee Chairman baiting her during a hearing, the President answering a question he shouldn't have, a dentist appointment, or me being stupid." Josh leads us into the flashback by saying the day should have been about the President's educational reform package.
In the flashback, Sam and Toby prepare C.J. for a press conference. If, by "prepare," you mean "harass and annoy." She outlines the plan: "Forgive student loans to people who become teachers and spend at least three years teaching in a rural or inner-city school. Give cash bonuses to people who leave other careers to become teachers , and provide federal money for grants to individual school districts, to use older, more experienced teachers to train younger, less experienced teachers." As they finish up, Josh wanders in and asks to speak to Toby. C.J. starts to leave, putting a hand to her mouth, and Sam follows her, asking what time the briefing is scheduled for. C.J. tells him it's at eleven as they head down the hall, trailed by C.J.'s secretary, Carol. Sam suggests that she change it to one, so that they can play up the education bill and "control the news cycle." When C.J. agrees, Carol reminds her, "You have the thing!" C.J. says, "Yes, and this is a perfect excuse to postpone the thing." Sam asks what the "thing" is, and finds out that C.J. has a dentist appointment at noon. Sam asks what's wrong, and C.J. says, "I'm experiencing some pain." She clarifies that it's been bothering her for a month, "but it'll go away by itself." Sam asks, "When?" C.J. sighs, "When I die, Sam. Carol, cancel the appointment." Sam tells Carol to reschedule the briefing for two o'clock, and to keep the dental appointment. Sam informs C.J. that "Your teeth are the best friend you've got," and, "If you take care of them, they'll take care of you." C.J. asks, "When did you start talking like this?" Sam informs her that he is "nuts for dental hygiene." C.J. shakes her head in disbelief and tells Sam, "Go away. Now." I like it when Sam's geeky. It offsets the pretty-boy thing nicely.
Toby and Josh are having their own conference in another part of the building. Toby asks, "She called him a racist?" Josh says that she didn't use that word. Toby asks what word was used. Josh corrects himself and says, "Well, yes, she used that word." Toby asks a couple of secretaries for any wire stories about the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development calling Jack Wooden a racist. When asked if he wants it immediately, Toby says, "I want it at whatever leisurely pace you two feel --" "I'm just asking," the secretary interrupts. I love Toby, but I wouldn't want to work for him. Toby again asks Josh if Wooden was called a racist. Josh snickers, "She was pretty careful to include all Republicans," and claims that she was baited. Speaking of bait, Mandy wanders in with the latest report. She quotes Secretary O'Leary as telling Wooden, "Public housing has serious problems, Mr. Chairman, I don't deny that. But if you and your colleagues in the Republican party were as invested in solving the problems associated with poverty as you were in scoring cheap political points on the backs of poor people and minorities, you might just see the value." Mandy goes on to read that Wooden asked if O'Leary was calling him a racist, and that O'Leary's response was, "If the shoe fits." And let's give Mandy a big hand, because that's her first and last appearance in this episode.
Back in the present, Josh tells the remarkably easy-to-amuse lecture audience that the staff informed the Prez about the situation.
Cut to the Prez, annoyed. Leo assures the Prez that they'll handle it. As the Prez exits, with the staff in his wake, he complains, "'If the shoe fits'? Is that the best she could do?" Leo says, "Of her many transgressions, Mr. President, let's not worry about [the fact that] she resorted to cliché." ["According to this week's Entertainment Weekly story, that was a dis by Aaron Sorkin on West Wing consultant, and former Clinton Press Secretary, Dee Dee Myers. Apparently, she sometimes sketches out dialogue, but screenwriting isn't really her area, and when she drafted her version of the scene, 'If the shoe fits' was the withering response she came up with. All the staffers' complaining that O'Leary's slur was clichéd is an inside joke at Myers's expense." -- Wing Chun]
At the lecture, Josh tells us that the Prez signed the education bill. Josh has chosen to sit with his legs far apart, the better to emphasize his crotch, and I'm sure you could come up with all sorts of theories about male dominance to explain it, but it looks tacky and I wish he'd quit it. ["This really bugged me, too. And this is way childish, but when guys did that back in grade eight, the girls would say to them, 'Close your legs, nobody's answering your ad.' Which we thought was hysterical." -- deborah] ["Because it is!" -- Wing Chun] Anyway, after signing the bill, the Prez took some questions. Josh whines that, despite the importance of education, those nasty members of the fourth estate chose to focus on something else.
Cut to Fishboy, asking if the Prez agrees with O'Leary that Wooden is a racist, and if not, whether he'll ask O'Leary to resign. The Prez says that O'Leary is doing a great job. Fishboy points out that the Prez didn't answer his question. The Prez says, "I agree that the Republican party does not have a comprehensive program for combating poverty in this country. That said, there are countless Republicans who are working very hard to change their party's legacy on some of these issues, and I look forward to working with them to do just that." Fishboy says, "I'm sure that was an answer to some question, Mr. President, it just wasn't the answer to mine." At this point, I'm starting to question whether a reporter would come this close to badgering the President of the United States. Even Dan Rather doesn't repeat his questions three times. ["Yeah, but Baba Wawa keeps pushing until they cry like babies." -- deborah]
Josh, now leaning forward so that his spread legs are a tad less obnoxious, tells us that they should have stopped the press conference there. Since they didn't, the Prez was forced to tell Fishboy, "I think she went a little too far in ascribing motive to Congressman Wooden and the Republican Party," and says that Leo will be meeting with O'Leary later that day. When another reporter asks if Leo will tell O'Leary to apologize, the Prez says, "An apology'd be appropriate." Leo sighs, and says something, but I couldn't ever make out the words. Josh gets Sam's attention by saying his name and then doing that fake-cough thing we all found so useful in junior high. Apparently the press is about as savvy as the average substitute teacher. Sam steps forward and declares that the Prez is "late for lunch with the U.N. ambassador." As they all leave, the Prez tells Leo, "That went pretty well." "We'll fix it," Leo insists. Toby tells Sam that the U.N. ambassador is in Portugal. "My bad," Sam says.
Josh seems prepared to go on complaining about this event through his entire lecture, but luckily his cell phone rings. Apologizing to the audience, he pulls out his phone, and unclips his mike before answering. Toby informs Josh, "We're lost." Cut to the car, cruising along a dark road. "We're not lost," Sam insists from the driver's seat. Toby claims that they missed the exit, which Sam denies. Josh, baffled, says, "Toby, I'm kind of in the middle of something here." Toby tries to get directions from Josh, and Josh responds, "You bet, buddy. Tell me when you know something," and hangs up. As Josh returns to his seat, the moderator asks, "Can you tell us what that was about?" Josh claims it was an urgent phone call about the trade deficit. I think it might have helped his credibility if he'd simply answered, "No." ["I think it might have been funnier to his audience, too, especially since they're easily amused. -- deborah]
Toby and Sam continue fighting about whether or not they're lost. Sam insists that they're headed east. Toby asks how he knows that. "The sun rises in the east," Sam says. "It's dark outside!" Toby responds. Thinking fast, Sam adds, "Also, that bright star in the northern sky is Polaris," and claims, "I'm using celestial navigation." We have a title! Toby calls Sam, "Galileo," and directs him to turn the car around at the exit.
Josh tells everyone that O'Leary was angry that the Prez said she should apologize. Through the magic of television, we are transported back in time and can see for ourselves that, sure enough, she's angry. ["I'm trying to remember if I've ever seen CCH Pounder play anything other than angry, and I can't." -- deborah] Leo admits that they screwed up the press conference, but tells her that he's seen videotape of her exchange with Wooden. O'Leary says, "He's using his oversight authority to spit at poor people and minorities, which in his mind are the same thing. He's doing it because he can! He's doing it so he can score points with his narrow-minded constituents!" Leo tells her, "His narrow-minded constituents are also our narrow-minded constituents." He reminds O'Leary that they need support for their own issues, including the budget for HUD. She points her finger at Leo and asks, "Do you not think it is my role, as the highest-ranking African-American woman in government to point out --" Leo cuts her off, "Your role, first and foremost, is to serve the President, a task today at which you failed spectacularly." He tells her to apologize, and after a moment, she does. "Not to me, Debbie," Leo corrects her. She starts arguing again, until Leo says, "The President's nuts about you, always has been. He'll cry for three minutes after he fires your ass, and then he'll say, 'What's ?'" I'm all for sensitive men, but I'm not sure that I want the President of the United States to burst into tears when he fires someone. O'Leary complains that if she apologizes to Wooden, "He's going to lord it over me from now until the end of time." Leo says, "It's the cost of doing business." O'Leary agrees to apologize, and asks if the Prez is angry with her. Leo says, "Mostly, he's upset that you couldn't come up with anything better than, 'If the shoe fits.'"
Josh says that this should have been the end of the story, except that NBC had a whole hour to fill. "Who here has had emergency root-canal?" he asks, by way of segue.
Cut to C.J., with a puffy jaw, knocking at Josh's door. He looks at her and asks, "What the hell happened?"
C.J.: I had woot canal.
Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
C.J.:I had woot canal!
Josh: Why are you talking like that?
C.J.: I had woot canal!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.
C.J.: I can suggesht some other things you can do wif yourshelf!
Josh: Are you in pain?
C.J.: I HAD WOOT CANAL!
Josh: You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.
C.J. insists that she has to cancel the "bweefing." Josh says she can't, and reminds her, "You gotta wrap up O'Leary, you gotta move 'em back to the bill signing." "You weally think I can do it?" she asks. Josh chuckles, "Don't be insane, C.J.; you can't do a press briefing looking like Bullwinkle!" C.J. prepares to cancel it, but Josh says they'll have the briefing, and that he'll do it. C.J. says, "You get hosta!" "'I get hot stuff'?" a confused Josh asks. C.J. clarifies that Josh gets hostile, and suggests that Sam do the briefing. Josh, avoiding C.J.'s eyes, says that Sam went to Foggy Bottom. (Yes, that is a real area of D.C.. Yes, it is a very silly name.) "What's he doing in Foggy Bohhum?" C.J. asks. Josh giggles some more and confesses, "I just wanted to see if I could make you say 'Foggy Bottom.' Sam's working with the speech writers." C.J. asks about Toby, and Josh says that Toby is with Leo and the Prez. As Josh gets psyched to do the briefing, C.J. desperately begs him, "Pwease be vewy careful! Twy vewy hard not to destwoy us!" Josh responds, "You shouldn't say that, C.J., you've got a great body," and heads for the press room. Fishboy stops Josh and, upon confirming that Josh will handle the briefing, says, "You really don't want to do this." Josh breaks all records in looking smug as he says, "I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale, and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House press corps." It's a sad day when I start rooting for Fishboy, but Josh needs to be taken down a peg or ten.
Josh tells the audience, "I'd like to say a couple things in my own defense. First of all, everything was fine. I dispensed with the Deborah O'Leary matter with ease and poise, I opened the room up to questions while imposing a discipline that felt had been lacking in C.J.'s briefings."
Cut to Josh telling the reporters that they get to ask one question each. He is then asked when the Prez last smoked a cigarette." Josh raises an eyebrow and wonders, "You sure you want your one question to be that stupid?" Watching on a TV in her office, C.J. groans. A reporter named Katie says that it isn't a stupid question: "If the President's going to continue to be so adamantly anti-tobacco, is it unreasonable to ask if he's a smoker?" Josh says that the Prez quit smoking years ago. Katie tells him, "He bummed a cigarette from me on Air Force One two days ago." Josh calls on another reporter, who asks if Josh is going to answer the question. Josh says he'll look into it, and calls on Fishboy. Fishboy asks if the increase in employment will result in higher wages, and cause inflation. Josh says that the President is pleased about the drop in unemployment. Fishboy cuts him off and again asks if there is a plan to fight inflation. Josh insists, "The President will do everything in his power to maintain the robust economy, that has created millions of new jobs, improved productivity, and kept a lid on inflation." Katie wonders, "But he has no plan to address inflation specifically?" Josh twists his head back and forth, perhaps in preparation for the moment when C.J. strangles him later, and says, "Twenty-four Ph.D.'s on the Council of Economic Advisors, Katie. They have a plan to fight inflation." Fishboy asks if Josh won't tell them about the plan because it's a secret. Josh sarcastically replies, "Yeah, Danny, we have a secret inflation plan." In her office, C.J. holds her head.
Josh tells the lecture audience, "I guess that's pretty much when the wheels came off the wagon." David suggests that it's time for a five-minute break. Five minutes? That's not enough time for this large a group to get to the bathroom!
Josh wanders through some kind of atrium during the intermission, and passes a blonde girl who tells him, "You're great." Thanks babe, Josh really needs to have his ego fed some more. ["I totally thought that was a shout-out to the harem." -- deborah] He pulls out the trusty cell phone and calls Toby, who tells Josh, "Sam feels we're zeroing in on it." Josh can't believe they're still driving. Toby says testily, "We were navigating by the North Star, which turned out to be the Delta shuttle from La Guardia. It's a miracle we're not in Nantucket right now." Josh asks, "How hard can it be to find the Wesley Police Station?" Toby answers, "I don't know, Josh, but while we're looking, can you tell me some more about the President's secret plan to fight inflation?" Josh asks how long it will be before Toby lightens up about that. Toby says, "Oh, it's gonna take a little while, I would think." Josh tells Toby to call back when they know something, and hangs up. Sam suggests that they pull into a store he's spied, and ask for directions. Toby looks out and says, "Or you can just pull in there, at the Wesley Police Station, and ask them."
Sam marches into the station and up to the cop behind the desk. "My name is Sam Seaborn. I work for the President of the United States. Is your watch commander around?" The cop is, understandably, skeptical. Sam eyes his badge and says, "Officer Peter, we're in a certain amount of trouble tonight, and the only thing I've got going for me is that you're in more trouble than we are." Officer Peter goes to get his commander. Sam whirls on Toby and, in the same commanding tones, says, "Let me tell you something. If we'd have stayed on the Merrit Parkway, instead of getting off on exit twenty-nine and going east to Greenwich, I don't think we'd have wound up in Bridgeport so many times." Toby pauses to think of the exact words that will best express his thoughts before settling on a firm, "Shut up." Sergeant McNamara introduces himself. Sam introduces himself and Toby, and says, "You have Roberto Mendoza locked up back there." McNamara thinks this is a joke, and starts to complain, "You come in here at ten o'clock at night, you tell me you're with the White House, and I'm supposed to just --" Luckily, Officer Peter directs McNamara's attention to the copy of the Hartford Chronicle sitting on his desk. The headline reads, "President Bartlet drafts letter to Senate leaders," (wow, slow news day) and under it is a large photo of the Prez in the Oval Office, with Toby standing nearby. McNamara eyes the picture, then looks up at Toby. Sam says, "Sergeant, you've arrested a federal judge who's the President's nominee for the Supreme Court." The phone rings, and Sam adds, "You should get that. That's gonna be the Governor of Connecticut." It's good to be the king. Or even the Deputy Communications Director.
Their five minutes of freedom ended, the audience listens to Josh say, "Danny Concannon had thrown me a knuckleball in the dirt, which then I'd then taken a big swing at." First he presented us with his crotch, now he's using sports metaphors. Is Josh feeling a little insecure about his masculinity? We travel back to the press briefing, where Josh is being asked when the Prez will unveil his secret inflation plan. Josh chuckles, "There is no secret plan. I was talking to Danny; I was kidding!" The woman who played the evil ISN news anchor during the civil war on Babylon 5 says, "These are people's jobs you're talking about, Josh. You wanna give us a straight answer?" Josh hesitates, and then says he can't remember the question. C.J. pops some of her pain medication while the ISN propagandist asks again if the Prez has a plan to fight inflation. Another reporter chimes in, "And if so, why is he keeping it a secret?" Josh blinks and says nothing. Fishboy gives him a satisfied "I told you so" glance, and I don't blame him.
Looking rather shell-shocked, Josh leaves the press room as Donna runs up to him bleating, "Oh, my God, Josh!" Josh insists that he can fix it. Donna is doubtful. Josh snaps, "This would be a great time to feel a little support from you, Donna!" and asks what she thinks he should do. Donna suggests, "Go into your office and come up with a secret plan to fight inflation." Josh starts to yell at Donna again, but is interrupted when C.J. bellows "ZHOSHUA!" from down the hall. They all troop into Josh's office as C.J. cries, "You compwetwee impwoded!" Donna translates: "You completely imploded." C.J. goes on to say, "You wah vague, you wah hostile, you wah bewidgerent!" Again, Donna clarifies: "Belligerent." Josh says he'll fix it, but C.J. says he won't, and that "You are not ever awowed in my pwess woom again!" Josh asks Donna to find out if Toby saw the briefing. Then we hear Toby shouting, "Where the hell is he?" and Josh cancels that order. As Donna leaves, Toby enters and demands, "Have you fallen on your head? Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?" I giggle mightily. Josh says he feels very bad about the situation. Toby throws up his hands and says, "Oh, well, then I guess that's all that really matters." Josh's voice squeaks as he insists that it isn't as bad as they think. "A secwet pwan to fight infwation!" C.J. shouts. Toby says, "C.J., for a little while, you're going to have to write it down." Sam bursts in and says there's a problem, and "It's not Josh." "Praise God," Josh mutters. This draws Sam's attention, so he adds, "Although I've gotta say, telling a reporter [that] his question's stupid is not, like, a page out of Dale Carnegie or anything." Toby asks what the problem is, and says, "The only thing that could make my day worse is if Roberto Mendoza got involved." Sam looks at Toby without saying anything. Toby rolls his eyes.
Josh explains to the lecture audience that Mendoza is the nominee to replace Justice Crouch, and that Toby is in charge of overseeing the confirmation. He says, "Supreme Court nominees don't speak before their confirmation; they let the White House speak for them. Something Toby's had a little bit of trouble teaching Roberto Mendoza." Cut to Leo's office, where C.J. is saying, "He said the Pwesident was wong to make Secwetawy O'Weawy apowogize." Leo asks what the hell is wrong with her, and Toby directs Sam to repeat the news. "He said the President was wrong to make Secretary O'Leary apologize." Toby adds that Mendoza said this to a reporter from the Chicago Tribune. Leo confirms that Mendoza was on vacation in Nova Scotia, and demands, "How the hell'd they find him in Nova Scotia?" Josh says, "They have telephones in Nova Scotia, Leo; it's not Amish country." Leo glares and tells Josh, "I really think of all the people in this building, Josh, you'd be the last person to speak right now!" Josh goes back to studying his shoes. C.J. tells Leo, "The Pwesident needs to be bweefed on the events of the day." Toby says, "C.J., so help me, if you use the words "Pwesident" or "bweefed" again..." Leo takes charge, and says that the Prez is headed to New Orleans for a labor conference, and will return home at 3:30 AM. As Leo starts to leave, Josh asks to speak: "A lot of this is our fault, and the President probably isn't going to take this very well, and we just want you to know that we'll be there with you in spirit tomorrow morning." Leo growls, "You'll be there with me in every way imaginable, Josh." They all mark their calendars for a Presidential dressing-down at 7 AM sharp.
Josh tells the lecture audience that, since his nomination, Mendoza has publicly criticized the American Bar Association, the AFL-CIO, and the New York State Legislature, and now he'd reopened the O'Leary problem. His phone rings, and again Josh excuses himself to take the call. Sam tells Josh that Toby's talking to Mendoza. A cop unlocks the door, and Toby steps into vertiginous cell for a little chat.
Josh is back in his seat, telling everyone, "The second hardest job in the White House belongs to a twenty-one year old kid named Charlie Young." He describes some of Charlie's tasks, and says that the one Charlie hates the most is waking the Prez up. Cut to Charlie asking a White House operator to put him through to the Prez. We pan up the most powerful bed in the nation and watch as a sleepy Sheen fumbles for the phone and answers it by grunting, "What?" Charlie starts with a cheerful "good morning," but the Prez goes on to say, "I mean, what could you possibly want right now?" Charlie tries again, reminding him about the staff meeting, but the Prez ain't going along with the program. When Charlie offers to send up some coffee, the Prez barks, "Who the hell is this? And what could you possibly want?" Charlie says, "Sir, I need you to dig in now. It wasn't a nightmare. You really are the President." The Prez, sounding contrite, says, "I'll get up now," and after a few attempts manages to hang up the phone.
Josh informs us, and his adoring lecture audience, that Mendoza was summoned to the White House. "When you summon someone to the White House, you usually expect them to show up within the hour. Judge Mendoza told us that he'd see us in three days. Why three days? Because he was driving down to D.C., stopping in Connecticut to do some antiquing."
Back to Charlie, who discovers that the Prez hasn't actually gotten out of bed. Charlie enters the bedchamber, turns on the lights, and gently shakes the Presidential shoulder. The Prez suddenly grabs Charlie's wrist and asks, "Are you aware you're committing a federal crime right now?" Charlie says he'll take his chances, and that it's time to get up. The Prez asks, "How'd you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? Come to think of it, where is my wife?" Charlie reminds him that she's in Argentina. After some more prompting, the Prez wearily starts to get up. He asks Charlie, "Have you slept yet?" When Charlie says no, the Prez says, "Good!" I know that feeling.
Leo, C.J., Toby, Sam, and Josh are waiting for the Prez to appear. Josh asks C.J. how she's feeling, and C.J. says, "Well, the swelling's gone down...on the other hand, the painkillers have worn off." Leo asks Sam, "He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington? How does a person do that?" Sam, who believes it's never to early to be geeky, replies, "My guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine, 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merrit Parkway around Wilford." Everyone stares at Sam in awe. Or, okay, maybe it's disgust. I lean toward the latter since Toby says, "There's something really freakish about you, you know that?" ["And if Sam knows all that, how come he gets lost later that night?" -- deborah] Just then, the Prez enters and declares, "I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife's in Argentina. Let's get this over with." As they troop into the Oval Office, I'm sure they're all wondering why they couldn't have found a reason to be in Argentina, too. By way of introduction, Leo says, "Mr. President, we experienced a few public relations...What's the word?" "Catastrophes?" Toby suggests. "Incidents," Leo offers, "in the few hours you were away." When the Prez asks for details, everyone looks at Josh. After some prompting, Josh says, "I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with. Although not really, and I'll get to that at the end." Josh explains that C.J.'s dental woes made it impossible for her to do the press briefing. The Prez asks who handled the briefing, and when Josh confesses, the Prez groans, "Oh, God." Josh goes on with the story.
Josh: You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation?
Prez: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No.
Prez:Why am I going to be reading that I do?
Josh:It was suggested in the press room that you do.
Prez:By who?
Josh: By me.
Prez:You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.
Josh does that "no, absolutely not, except yes," thing a lot, doesn't he? I think once per episode should be the limit. Anyway, Josh tries to defend himself by saying he was being sarcastic, adding, "They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid!" The Prez interrupts to say, "C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, you'll do the press briefing." Then he returns to questioning Josh.
Josh: I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!
Prez: You were clear?
Josh: I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that, if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!
Prez: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?
Bwah ha ha! Toby interrupts, "Mr. President, much as we'd love nothing more than to stand here and watch you beat the living crap out of Josh, there's actually a bigger fish to fry." The Prez asks what Mendoza's done now. They fill him in. Toby claims that Mendoza is being very unprofessional. The Prez says, "We'll be having the first of what I think will be a series of discussions about professionalism another time," and asks where Mendoza is. They tell him that Mendoza will turn up in two days. "Is he coming in from Neptune?" wonders the Prez. Sam explains Mendoza's plan for a road trip, and starts babbling about the preferred route again until Toby stops him. In real life, I'm sure I'd find Sam very annoying, but I'm loving him here. The staff is dismissed, but Josh stays and offers another apology to the Prez. Then he blows it by adding, "And if anyone asks you, you quit smoking years ago and that cigarette you bummed on Air Force One was for a friend." "Get out," the Prez whispers in sinister tones. Back in the lecture hall, Josh finishes up his story by saying that Mendoza is still on his way to D.C.
At the Wesley Police Station, the McNamara tells Sam, "His driving was erratic. I'm still not entirely convinced he hadn't been drinking." Sam replies, "Judge Mendoza has chronic persistent hepatitis, which is a non-progressive form of liver inflammation. If he'd had enough to drink to blow a 0.1 on the blood alcohol, he'd be dead right now." Whoops!
In his cell, Toby asks Mendoza why he refused to take a breathalyzer. Mendoza explains that he had done nothing wrong, and that there was no probable cause, so the breathalyzer constituted an illegal search. Toby argues that this wasn't the right time to make a point. Mendoza says, "They pulled me over because I looked like my name is Roberto Mendoza, and I'm coming to rob your house." Toby tries to take Mendoza home, but Mendoza refuses to let Toby pull strings. He says, "They patted me down and they handcuffed me in front of my nine-year-old boy." Toby gives his patented sad basset hound look, and says, "There's nothing about this that doesn't stink. If it were me, I'd want to extract vengeance, and I'd say let justice be done. I'd also want to spend some time in a dark room alone, so that I didn't have to face my wife and my son, and have them see my humiliation...Rob, I can't get this done if this is the story. Can't get it done. Nothing about this that doesn't stink. And nothing about it that wouldn't be better if you were a Supreme Court Justice."
Out front, Officer Peter asks Sam, "A guy in your job, do you know missile codes and that sort of thing?" Sam thinks for a second and then offers a casual, "Yeah!" Snerk. Toby and Mendoza come out. Toby tells the officers, "There isn't going to be a report, there isn't going to be an investigation, no one's getting suspended, and no one's filing a hundred-million dollar lawsuit against the county that they would almost surely win. But in this room, you're gonna apologize to Mr. Mendoza. And then you're gonna get in your squad car, you're gonna follow us, and you're gonna apologize to his son." McNamara apologizes, and Toby and Mendoza turn to leave. Sam stops to add, "I also gotta say that you guys could do a better job of marking the exits on the throughway."
As they walk out to the car, Mendoza tells Toby that he and Sam should spend the night in Wesley, because there's some great antiquing. "You're killing me, Judge," Toby responds. Sam phones Josh and tells him, "It's over."
Cut back to Josh, who puts away his phone and returns to his seat, promising that he won't be interrupted again. As he clips his mike back on, he taunts the audience by saying that there's more to the story than what they've heard, and that they should ask him back after Mendoza is confirmed. Angling for another honorarium there, Josh? Fade to black as David prepares to take questions from the audience. Given how well Josh handled questions last time, I'd kind of like to have seen that.