By Shack
Previously: C.J. publicly criticized Saudi Arabia's treatment of women and, following some threatening emails, was assigned protection by Secret Service Special Agent Simon Donovan; Leo fretted about Iran getting the bomb; Simon and C.J. were pushed headlong into the verbal feints and parries that are part of any potential Sorkin-written courtship; Deborah painted her living room the wrong color. I understand what she's going through. This one time, I bought a Thomas Kinkade painting at Deck the Walls, of a cottage in the woods in a thunderstorm. But when I brought it home, I realized that it completely clashed with the black-light poster of a winged demon playing the electric guitar that I had bought at Spencer's. I knew I should have gotten the painting of the lighthouse on the cliff in a thunderstorm instead. And I won't even get into the issue of the plasma globe-light.
We open the episode with the presidential motorcade arriving back at the White House. They're returning from their meeting in Helsinki with the Russian leaders. Sam trudges in and steps right into pedeconference mode with Ginger and Bonnie. Ginger exposits that the meeting was a success, though we get no clarification as to what that might mean, given the prominence of that plotline in the last episode. Sam brought them back some presents: for Ginger, a collectible plate featuring a moose; for Bonnie, a hat with a moose on it. Bonnie teases him gently for getting them presents from the motel gift shop. Ginger asks what kind of food they eat in Helsinki. It's moose! Moose for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Moose! Moose! Moose! It's a word that is automatically funny, so it gets worked into the script as much as possible. Sam says that he didn't eat any moose, because "[he doesn't] like eating things where the cartoon character can talk, and, you know, hatch a plan." Considering how prominent farm animals are in cartoons, maybe he should become a vegetarian. Sam tells Ginger that he's going home to bed after he checks his mail and messages. Ginger gives him his messages, along with a videotape that arrived anonymously, addressed to him. And White House Security allowed this to be delivered because why? Sam and Ginger speculate whether or not the tape has porn on it. In a bit of lip service to angry feminist strawperson plots, Sam asks Ginger if she's offended that he brought up porn. She says she's not offended and jokes that she hopes that it's porn, too. Sam heads into his office with the tape.
Elsewhere, C.J. heads into her office while giving Special Agent Simon Donovan a firm "No!" like he's a dog who piddled on the carpet. C.J. insists that she's driving herself home and complains about Simon annoying her for the past six days with his strong and silent presence, calling her "Ma'am" and "Ms. Cregg." She wants him to stop because "this isn't a Western." No, apparently this is a madcap '50s romantic comedy. Simon insists that he's required to use such formalities when speaking to her. I had no idea Miss Manners worked for the Treasury. C.J. rants further: "I'm getting in my baby blue '65 Mustang convertible, and I'm going to feel the wind in my hair and anyplace else I want. You can look at my taillights." Simon: "I think I'm not allowed to do that either." Gah. They're getting TMI all over the place. C.J. says she'll see him at home, and stalks off. Simon says "okay," and just stands there in her office. After a few moments, C.J. comes back to find out what the punch line of this scene is. She knows that Simon isn't just going to let her wander off. She's right. Simon holds up a hand to show that he's got one of her spark plugs. He also removed her battery. And her fuel pump. And various other vehicular internal organs, thus thwarting her from driving home, and also from chasing after the von Trapps. She asks if there's anything left to her car. Simon jokes that he left her some wiper fluid, but then realizes that she can't even use that without the battery. Just kiss already.
Sam interrupts C.J. and Simon's "witty" "repartee" to show C.J. what's on the anonymous tape. It's an opposition ad attacking POTUS. He pops it into her office VCR and plays it. An image of the White House pops up on the television as a sinister male voice says, "Honor, morality, truth. Values we deserve in America's house." The image of the White House rips in half (with an accompanying sound effect), and a picture of Bartlet looking stern and unpleasant appears onscreen. The voice says, "Throwing mud to cover up his failure. Refusing to sign a clean campaign pledge, so he won't have to defend his broken promises." Headlines about cover-ups and dirty campaigning appear and disappear at appropriate points. Bartlet's face expands so that his eyes fill up the whole screen. The man says, "Jed Bartlet: What's he hiding from us now?" C.J. asks who sent Sam the video. Sam doesn't know.
Credits. Those of you concerned about my misspelling names and locations mentioned in the show (and I know there's a precedent) will be happy to read that I got my closed captioning working properly. Actually, I didn't do anything. It just started working by itself. Normally, when I try to use captioning, it insists that people are saying things like "G%rc@$" and "]]]]]]]7]," and I'm pretty certain dialogue like that doesn't appear on any show, except perhaps for Roswell. But I just flipped it on and now it's working fine. Strange.
We return from commercials to the start of a brand-new day. Josh and Donna arrive from separate hallways and greet each other. They banter playfully about how much Donna missed Josh. Just kiss already. She asks whether he brought her back a present. He did. It's sitting on his desk. She walks in to see a wooden box, about the size of a small suitcase, on his desk. She expresses gratitude that he didn't get her anything moose-related, then asks what's inside. It's moose, of course. He says it's "sauna-smoked moose meat," which sounds like a fancy way of saying that it's a case of moose-flavored Slim Jims. Josh blathers on about the quality of the box to draw attention away from the fact that it's full of dried Bullwinkle. Actually, it turns out later that it's moose sausage, but calling it "moose jerky" is funnier because of the "j" and "k," so we'll just pretend. Donna is at least polite enough not to say anything mean, though she looks at the box with distaste. Josh asks her where he's supposed to be right now, so she sends him off to a meeting in the basement.
In the basement office, C.J., Toby, and Sam are watching the attack ad with Bruno. Long time, no see, Bruno. What's with the hair? Have you been working as a televangelist in your spare time? Bruno says, "If I wanted to sink the Bartlet campaign, this is exactly the ad I'd run." Really? I think there are quite a few problems with it. First is the obvious irony of running an attack ad accusing Bartlet of refusing to sign a clean campaign pledge. And if this is an ad alluding to Bartlet's MS, as Bruno claims it is, then why is it accusing Bartlet of breaking promises? Did he promise not to get a disease? You'd think they'd be more direct about pointing out Bartlet's deception and questioning his fitness to lead. Well, I'm no political operative, so fine. Toby asks whether they'll be running the ad in May. Bruno suggests that perhaps the GOP has sent them the ad to warn them all what will run if they attack Ritchie. He says that every campaign has an advertisement like that in reserve if they need it. C.J. says that they didn't when Bartlet ran for president, but Sam and Toby both blurt out together that they actually did.
Josh arrives at the meeting as Toby asks whether they should make up a counter-ad. Bruno says he'll take care of that. Josh has already seen the ad, and says he's going to talk to counsel about it. Bruno questions whether getting the FBI involved is a good idea. Josh explains that if the tape was obtained illegally, he doesn't want Sam getting in trouble by extension. After some discussion, Sam says that perhaps it's not a good idea to go to law enforcement. He's afraid that it would end up looking like the administration is asking the FBI to investigate Ritchie. Everyone agrees. Bruno suggests sticking it in a drawer and forgetting it. Sam doesn't want to do that, either. He suggests going to one Kevin Kahn. Everybody immediately dismisses the idea. Sam insists that Kevin is a friend. Bruno says he doesn't care if Kevin "did [Sam's] bris" -- he doesn't trust Kevin, and he doesn't know exactly what's going on yet. Sam doesn't see where there's any danger. He says he can tell Kevin that if the GOP sent the ad to them on purpose, then Sam can tell them that they've got their own attack ad prepared. If it turns out that it was a genuine leak, he can warn the Republicans and tell them that they don't want to have anything to do with it. Sam doesn't see how this could end badly. Bruno responds, "There are only two things here. Either somebody's trying to hurt us, or somebody's trying to help us. Just so you know." Well, that illuminates nothing. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that he's saying that if somebody's trying to help them, then they should just keep this information to themselves and not make any waves. If somebody's trying to hurt them, then whoever is responsible is already prepared to take advantage of however the administration responds. That seems to make the most sense. In retrospect, of course. It meant nothing the first time I watched the episode. Sam asks Bruno to talk to Leo, and Bruno agrees. Toby has to run off to some other meeting. Bruno tells him to "apologize for the skyboxes." Toby insists that they weren't that bad, but Bruno disagrees. As Toby's leaving, Bruno banters with C.J. about Helsinki. C.J. says she accidentally ate a moose. Bruno's expression says, "How exactly does one accidentally eat a moose?" as he turns his attentions back to the attack ad.
Toby heads back up to the offices and meets with three men and a woman, who are waiting for him in a conference room. You know they're television executives of some sort because Toby opens by suggesting they consider a new awards show where, as soon as the winner's name is called, the four losers are dropped through trap doors under their seats. He thinks that would be good television. I don't know. I think the losers' valiant attempts not to look bitter contain plenty of entertainment value. Toby does what Bruno asked, and apologizes for the skyboxes, promising better arrangements time. FYI, they're talking about the Democratic National Convention, which becomes clear as they're chatting. The executives ask questions about getting access to important staffers for interviews and other boring details. Eventually, one executive -- who is balding and a bit wizened and doesn't look like anybody more famous so I can't think of a nickname for him -- asks him about programming. Toby whines about calling it "programming," then explains what he has planned for their big dog-and-pony show: "real" people reading planks from the party's platform (no robots at this convention!); the Harlem Boys' Choir singing the national anthem; and several panels about medical issues. The network executive looks bored, and interrupts to tell Toby that they're all thinking of cutting back coverage. Toby points out that they only covered the conventions for two hours a night last year, and wonders how much further they can cut back. The executive says, "One hour." Toby laughs, thinking it's ridiculous for them only to cover the convention for one hour per evening. But he's got it wrong. The executive is suggesting one hour of coverage, period. Just the acceptance speeches. Toby says, "One of these times, you guys are going to come in here and say that, and it's going to be true." The executive endeavors to look like this is that time.
Elsewhere, POTUS and Leo are pedeconferencing their way toward the situation room. Jed is talking about some sort of theater event for Catholic charities to which he's dragging Leo, apparently against Leo's will. It's a special production of all of the Shakespeare plays about all the King Henrys involved in the War of the Roses. I'd have to be dragged to something like that, too. Sorry. Leo whines about having to go. POTUS responds, "You know why? Because the Royal National Company's got all the King Henrys up there, and I'm still number one at the box office." Jed's barely been onscreen for a minute, and I already don't know what he's talking about. He really is turning into an intellectual version of Ronald Reagan, responding to everybody's comments and questions with a quip or an anecdote that has only the most tangential relationship to the subject at hand, if any. Leo drolly observes, "I love my job when you're like this." Nonsensical? If you say so. Jed asks Leo which Plantagenet Jed reminds Leo of, but fortunately they arrive at the situation room before Leo can answer and I'm put in the situation where I have to actually do any research about it. If this were a more interesting conversation, I might have bothered, but it's not worth it.
POTUS and Leo enter and greet the all the military leaders as they get down to business. Fitzwallace doesn't mince words, because that's just how he is: "Mr. President, we have reason to believe there will be an attack on a U.S. military installation sometime in the forty-eight hours." He uses the phrase "credible threat," a phrase which I fear has been used too frequently and easily in the real world and is losing its meaning. And that's bad, because you don't want the public to be going, "Whatever," when the government warns them of a potential attack. Anyway, the NSA has been monitoring a terrorist cell in Syria. Another military leader says that Fitzwallace's intelligence matches information they've gathered from sources in Kazakhstan, and from a prisoner in Chechnya. Leo asks which targets are the most vulnerable. Fitzwallace lists a Navy fleet in Bahrain, an Air Force base in Kuwait, an Air Force base in Incirlik, and Seeb North Air Base. A couple of unidentified military leaders suggest some appropriate defensive measures. Jed orders them to do so, and tells them he wants an update every thirty minutes for the forty-eight hours, regardless of whether there's anything new to report. He and Leo leave stone-faced, though I'm sure Leo is glad that something important has distracted Jed from his babbling.
Every time I see Harry Hamlin in the commercials for the L.A. Law reunion movie, I start giggling. To find out why, you'll have to read my upcoming Mondo Extra recap of it.
We return from commercials to Toby's meeting. After rudely telling one of the executives not to eat the fruit from an appetizer tray sitting in the middle of the table (why the hell is it there, then?), he says he realizes this is a negotiation and asks what it is they want. Toby snarks about Survivor, suggesting that the executives want him to vote out a member of the rules committee every night or have the Secretary eat a jellyfish. Actually, if they suggested that the HUD Secretary eat a jellyfish, I think Toby might get on board with it. The balding executive says, "You know what, sir? Don't talk to me like I'm other people," which some eagle-eyed posters have mentioned is a line Abby has used in the past. He continues that these executives (they're all news directors, by the way) are in a constant battle with their own networks to let them cover the news. He continues to explain that the names of the candidates on both sides are pretty much a done deal. For those of you who care, the vice-presidential candidate for the Republicans will be some guy named Jeff Heston. The balding executive adds, "Will there be anything of any force or consequence in the platform? No. Will there be a floor fight over it? What does it matter? And you're getting huffed because the four of us are questioning the wisdom of presenting a four-day infomercial in prime time, under network news simulcast?" He concludes that they'll show the acceptance speeches. "And the balloons. The balloons aren't news, but they're nice television." I hate 95% of network news with a passion, but I'm on the news director's side here. I've watched coverage of the party conventions like a dutiful American and don't recall anything of consequence ever being said at any of them in my entire life. All I can really remember is Ann Richards once saying that Bush Sr. was born with a "silver foot in his mouth," and Pat Buchanan's venomous speech at a Republican convention, which likely cost the party a chunk of its moderates. That almost sounds like a good reason to keep televising them.
Tuesday. C.J. comes into her office. Simon's already there, waiting to take over from one of the other secret service agents on her detail. C.J.'s code name is still "Flamingo," and she still hates it. It is a bit humiliating. She informs Simon that she's going to be shopping during lunch. Simon needs to know where so that he can contact the store manager and let him or her know that he'll be coming there armed. C.J. explains that she's taking her niece, Hogan, shopping and buying her a dress for her junior prom. She then expresses surprise when Simon says nothing about Hogan being a strange name for a girl. Simon responds that it's a strange name for a boy, too. It would be perfect for a police detective or a spy on a soap opera, though. C.J. explains that her older brothers are "golf crazies." Well, I'm sure that would make sense if I knew anything about golf other than some basic terminology. Maybe they should have named her "Birdie"?
Since this is apparently C.J.'s first time out in a busy public place with full Secret Service coverage, Simon briefs her on how he works. In busy public places, Simon would like to stay five feet in front of C.J. He warns her not to ditch him when his back is turned, or else he'll have no choice but to ask the store's security to surround her in order to keep her protected. He points out that C.J. is a visible, recognizable person, so if that happens, people are going to point and stare. C.J. responds, not unkindly, "Anything else, Agent Sunshine?" He corrects her that he's "Special Agent Sunshine." Just kiss already. He adds that he can't carry bags for her because he has to keep his hands free. C.J. tells him that they'll be going to the Barney's on Connecticut at 12:30. Apparently there really aren't any Barney's department stores in D.C., but I don't think that's a big deal. It's just a store. Simon jokes that he's optimistic because "the stats of people being hurt while buying a prom dress are very encouraging." C.J. corrects him that it's a "junior prom." Simon wanders off to do something or other, leaving C.J. completely unwatched. Well, I guess they must be giving her free rein around the office because it's got so much security already.
C.J. comes out of her office to talk to Carol. For some reason, the beginning of this scene is shot in such a way that we can't even see that Carol's there. I was wondering if the actress had gotten visibly injured -- or a Mohawk -- and they didn't want us to see her. But eventually they show her, so it was just weirdness. Carol wants to tell her about some important wire stories coming out, but C.J. wants to gossip about cute boys. She explains that she's acting strangely around Simon, making sure to clarify that her brothers are older than she is and that her niece is going to her "junior" prom. Carol sagely points out that C.J. didn't want to be known as somebody with a niece old enough to be going to her senior prom. C.J. says, "Isn't that the kind of thing you do when you meet a guy and you're...." She trails off before actually saying "interested in him?" Then she dismisses the idea, calling it a "left-brain hip check," whatever the hell that could possibly be. C.J. heads back into her office as Carol fills her in on something regarding the United Auto Workers. You know, if you want to drop C.J. into a romantic subplot right as the season is drawing to a close, that's fine with me. I'm all in favor of more C.J. But can we not have her deliberately commenting on the fact that she's being dropped into a romantic subplot? It's a little too meta. And also, we've already picked up on it.
Josh is arriving for work for the day, and is interrupted by a kindly woman named Martha. She apologizes for bothering him, but there's some sort of problem. She tells him that they (whoever "they" are) have a record of Josh receiving a gift from the Finnish Office of Protocol -- that lovely moose jerky that he gave Donna. It turns out that the yummy Box of Bullwinkle has shown up on eBay. That's a major no-no. Josh almost admits that he gave the meat to Donna, but stops short before ratting her out and promises to take care of it. Martha thanks him.
Inside, Margaret and Donna are leading an impromptu gathering of assistants. Margaret tells them that The Washington Times (ew) will be printing their annual list of assistants' salaries. A staffer wonders how they get that information. Donna explains that they have to submit the numbers to a Postal and Treasury Subcommittee, and that information is generally leaked to the press by the opposition party. Wouldn't the information be public record anyway? Salaries of public servants generally are, although I believe the individual salaries of some assistants and lower-level workers aren't subject to Freedom of Information regulations. Margaret explains to them all that they were thinking that rather than speaking to the press and complaining about how little they get paid, they instead hold their tongues for a month and try to work it out with their respective bosses first. Everybody applauds and agrees. Donna tells them all that, no matter what the story may say, they should respond that it's a privilege to serve. One staffer is still confused that the press would care what the assistants make. Donna points out that, in this story, they'll be called "White House staffers," or "prominent Democrats with close ties to the president." I think that was a dig at The Washington Times. Good. Although, I would imagine the Times would present the salary of a Democratic president's staff to make them look overpaid, not the opposite.
As the assistants all head back to their jobs, Josh comes by to talk to Donna. He calls her "Jo-Jo," for some reason. He asks her if she tried the moose meat. She starts to lie that she's saving it for a special occasion, but Josh busts out that it's up to $180 on eBay. That's not very much for a White House gift, if you ask me. Josh says he doesn't understand why she would do such a thing, knowing that it's against the rules. Donna blurts that she gave the meat to an intern. She apologizes, but adds, "If I'm going to eat moose, there's going to have to be a prize at the end of it." Well, that was a pretty nice box. I'd eat moose if Sakai from Iron Chef prepared it. Josh asks who the intern is. Donna would rather not say, and promises to take care of it. Josh tells her to fire the intern, and walks away.
Sam walks by and greets Donna on the way to his office. Ginger greets Sam as he walks in and gives him his messages. Among the people who called were Kevin Kahn and Sam's father. Interestingly, Sam ignores the news that his father called, but asks Ginger to call Kevin back for him. Ginger phones up Kevin, and Sam takes the call in his office, shutting the door. Kevin greets Sam warmly, saying that they haven't talked in a month, and that he wanted to catch up on things. He invites Sam out to lunch. Sam says, "You couldn't have called at a better time." They make arrangements to meet at 1:00.
Meanwhile, Leo heads back to the situation room for an update from Fitzwallace. Fitz tells him they're updating the potential target list. Leo turns around to look at the map and expresses horror that they've added two military bases within the United States to the potential targets -- Dover Air Force Base, and Fort Myer. Leo asks how these terrorists could possibly have the capability to attack a U.S. base. A couple of men in dark suits (CIA, I'm assuming) say they've intercepted some calls that refer to Muhammed Sabeh, one of the leaders of the Bahji terrorist cell. Leo asks what they would be attacking with. Fitzwallace says they've heard the terrorists have managed to smuggle in some weapons, but they don't yet know what kind. Leo wonders why those two targets have been chosen, when there are other larger bases along the Eastern Seaboard. Fitz says that concerns him as well, because the only thing those two bases have in common is their proximity to the White House. The location of the White House pops up on the map to show us how close together they are.
Elsewhere, Charlie is getting his one scene in for the episode. He and Jed are pedeconferencing their way toward the Oval Office as Jed blathers some more about all the King Henrys involved in this War of the Roses production. Charlie asks whether the president realizes that this won't be a "traditional" Shakespeare production. I don't think anybody even does traditional Shakespeare anymore. They're always tossing him back and forth through time. And across space, if StarTrek VI: The Undiscovered Country is any indication. Anyway, Charlie tells him that it has music and songs and other dramatic additions along the way. Hmm. Maybe I'd enjoy it after all. I'm suddenly imagining them sticking existing pop songs into the show, like in Moulin Rouge!, and laughing my ass off. They could call it Plantagenet!. Jed asks, "If Shakespeare wrote a play about me, how many parts would it be?" Charlie is rendered speechless at Jed's hubris, as am I. I'm thinking that three and a half years works out to about a paragraph of exposition given by one of those advisory supporting characters who try in vain to warn the protagonist about his pending disaster.
Charlie flees in order to keep his sanity intact, as Leo arrives to pass along the bad news. He tells Jed about the two American targets, incorrectly placing Fort Myer in Maryland instead of Virginia. He adds that they're considering putting the White House on the list. Jed asks what they're doing. Leo explains that they've got air patrols and are directing air traffic away from D.C. He tells POTUS, "I want you to start getting into a mental place where you can order an unidentified plane shot down." As Jed paces uncomfortably, Leo tells them they're setting up a one-mile perimeter. (Around the White House, I'm guessing. Or possibly the military bases. Or maybe all of the above.) Fitz is going to call him to ask him to put the Coast Guard on alert. Jed asks, "We're leaning on Arab intelligence sources?" No, they got a call from Miss Cleo. Leo says their sources aren't what they used to be. Gee, I wonder if they're upset with the Bartlet administration for some reason. Leo wants to bring up the bunker, but Jed insists that he won't leave the White House and hide. He says it sends a bad message. Leo responds that President Charcoal doesn't look so good either. Actually, he doesn't. Leo does warn Jed that Secret Service isn't actually going to give him a say in the matter. If Ron Butterfield decides that Jed needs to be evacuated, he'll be evacuated whether he likes it or not. Just tell him that Shakespeare would never write a play about a president who got killed during his first term, and I'm sure they'll have no problem getting him to the bunker.
We return to a fancy department store that shopping-savvy forum posters insist is not Barney's. I've never been to a Barney's, so I don't know. The last time I bought clothes, I actually ordered them from the Old Navy website and had them shipped to me. C.J. and Hogan (played by Evan Rachel Wood, a.k.a. Jessie Sammler on Once and Again) are looking through fancy dresses. Simon stands near the central stairwell, scanning the surroundings for trouble. C.J. shows Hogan a dress, but says she doesn't like it because of the taffeta. Hogan looks at a dress, but C.J. insists it's too pink. Ew. I've never seen a pink dress that worked, ever. My sister wore a pink dress to prom, and I thought it was hideous. Hogan asks C.J. to stop looking at all the Vera Wang dresses, because they're too expensive. C.J. insists that she wants to be the "cool aunt" and has to do stuff like that. C.J. can be my cool aunt any time. C.J. pulls out a lovely black silk couture gown. Hogan points out that it's designed for somebody much taller than herself...someone like C.J. Indeed, C.J. picked the dress out for herself, and wanders off to try it on, along with some sheer gray dress that looks ugly on the hanger. Simon follows C.J. over to the dressing room to watch. I mean, from outside. At least, so far.
Hogan continues to look over the dresses, but then asks Simon what it is he's looking for. Simon responds, "You know it when you see it." Hogan asks for clarification. Simon checks to make sure there's nothing going on with C.J., then walks over toward Hogan and directs her to the central stairwell area. He stands behind her and sort of turns her so that she gets a brief glimpse of the other sections of the store on this particular floor. When he's done, he asks her what she saw. All she can remember is a mother with some kids, a man in a coat, and a checkout counter at which some people are waiting. Simon mentions the man in the coat, and asks Hogan why he would be wearing a coat while out shopping in May. Hogan says she doesn't know. Simon says he doesn't know either, so as long as they're in the store, he's going to be keeping track of that man. He heads back into position. He looks over to the dressing room, which has those half doors you can see underneath. We get to stare at C.J.'s legs for a few seconds, just in case all that discussion about surveillance made you forget that this is also intended to be a romantic subplot.
Hogan goes back to looking through dresses, but eventually asks Simon, "What would it take for you to brandish your weapon?" Simon says, "Excuse me?" Hogan: "What would it take right now to reach in and brandish your weapon?" Simon responds, "Listen, girlie, I'm not Roman Polanski or Woody Allen or any other borderline-pedophile creepy director, so you can go Lolita yourself somewhere else." Actually, Simon responds, "Something pretty extraordinary." Oh, man, did you get that? It would take something "extraordinary" to make him "brandish" his "weapon." I'm surprised C.J. didn't bounce out of the dressing room right then and there to exclaim, "Doesn't this dress look extraordinary?" Hogan asks him how he ended up as a Secret Service agent. He exposits that he went to college on a military scholarship, so he served in the armed forces for a few years. Then he was a police officer in Chicago for a few years (this is some sort of meta-joke about Mark Harmon's role in a short-lived television show called Charlie Grace), and then joined the Secret Service nine years ago. I think that's more than we ever learned about Mandy during her entire stint on the show, so I guess he'll be sticking around for a while. Hogan asks Simon whether he's ever had to "brandish" his weapon. Well, sometimes he gets really lonely and...no, wait. We're done with that metaphor for the moment. He says he has had to brandish and fire his gun before. Hogan ponders under what circumstances a Secret Service agent might have needed to use a weapon, and concludes that Simon was in Rosslyn when Josh and POTUS got shot. Hogan tells Simon that he's a "good guy," then, and pats him on the shoulder. Then she worries that she's not allowed to touch him. Simon says that it's okay. He'll regret saying that when she sticks her hand down his pants. Just then, C.J. comes out in the dress, looking magnificent (as if there could be any question). Hogan wants to spill the beans about Simon being at Rosslyn, but Simon interrupts Hogan and asks her to tell C.J. later. C.J. worries that Simon is bothering Hogan, but Hogan insists that he's not.
Back at the White House, Bruno walks up to Margaret's desk.
Bruno: Hey, Stacy.
Margaret: Margaret.
Bruno: I thought Margaret was the girl who worked here before?
Margaret: I'm the girl who worked here before. I'm Margaret.
Bruno: You changed your hair.
Margaret: No.
Leo interrupts this amusing exchange to invite Bruno into his office. Bruno leaves a red box on Margaret's desk, telling her that somebody asked him to give it to her.
In Leo's office, Bruno asks Leo to ask Jed to consider two precinct captains in Iowa who want jobs in Commerce. Bruno also asks why Jed refused to release his college transcripts to the Associated Press. Leo jokes that it's because Jed took a semester of tap, then says he'll look into it. After mocking Ritchie's intelligence, why would POTUS refuse to release his transcripts? After some more discussion, Leo asks about the ad. Bruno tells him that they don't want to see it on television. As Bruno leaves, he encounters Margaret at the door; she's looking at Bruno with surprise. She says, "Mr. Gianelli?" He says, "You can call me Bruno." Margaret smiles as he walks off. She puts the box he gave her down on her desk, and we can see that inside is a gold necklace with her name spelled out on it, like you get at those little kiosks at the mall. Awww, Bruno has a crush. How cute. That was also a little inappropriate and condescending, but then again, those are two adjectives that I'd generally apply to Bruno.
Sam's having lunch with Kevin at a classy little restaurant. Kevin is clean, thin, neat, about Sam's age, and immediately sets off my gaydar. Log Kabin Kevin suggests to Sam that perhaps they should consider meeting for lunch or coffee once a month. "We can be emissaries," he explains. "We can maybe help keep things under control if they get bad." I don't know what Kevin's role is with the GOP, but I don't see Sam being able to keep anything under control over at the White house, especially since the other senior staffers are regularly trying to find ways to keep Sam under control. Log Kabin Kevin asks Sam how he feels about getting "his candidate" to sign the clean campaign pledge. Sam points out that "his candidate" is "the president." Kevin apologizes, and then asks, "When was the last time we saw a genuine dialogue?" I run screaming from the room. I hate, hate hate the use of the word "dialogue" as a synonym for "meaningful conversation." To me, "dialogue" refers to lines that are scripted, and when I hear it used in crap-ass office-speak, I take it as a signal that "meaningful conversation" is the one thing that will not take place as a result of a "dialogue." Anyway, Sam jokes a response about a court case being their last "genuine dialogue." Log Kabin Kevin starts talking about speeches, but Sam interrupts him to apologize for the president's open-mike mistake. Kevin insists that it's no big deal and that most Republicans laughed about it. Yeah, right. Maybe the gun lobbyists, but that's about it. Sam decides to broach the subject of the attack ad. He tells Kevin that "something happened," and that somehow he ended up with a copy of an attack ad against the president. He pulls the tape out and sets it on the table. Kevin expresses surprise that somebody sent him the ad. Sam warns Kevin that his campaign has a mole, and pushes the tape across the table to Kevin, saying, "We don't need it. We don't want it." Log Kabin Kevin looks at the tape, thanks Sam, and promises that he'll "get to the bottom of this." Funny, I wouldn't have guessed Log Kabin Kevin to be a top.
Wednesday. Josh is sitting in his office, reading through some stuff. Donna comes in and whines that it's wrong of him to make her fire the intern. Josh says that he'll fire the intern, then. Donna whines that the intern shouldn't be fired, because it was just moose sausage, not "the plans to Los Alamos." Josh responds, "And we're the White House, and not Williams-Sonoma." Donna complains that the intern is unpaid and is trying to make his rent. Josh says that he can't by auctioning off White House gifts. Donna says she'll make that clear to him (and some former interns on the boards have posted that it's made very clear to interns from the start). She says the intern shouldn't be fired because twenty years ago, 75% of the students who graduated from the Kennedy School of Government took jobs in the public sector. Last year, only a third did. Well, since government internships weren't paid twenty years ago either, I don't think money is the source of the problem, here. Donna insists that they need these people. Josh agrees. She blathers on that Josh didn't give up her name to Martha when he thought Donna had sold off the moose meat so blah blah blah and Josh interrupts her to point out that he already agreed. Fine. Okay. Fine. Okay. Just kiss already.
For some reason, Bruno is hanging out in Toby's office while Toby rants about the problem with the news directors. Bruno suggests coordinating a floor fight. Toby suggests getting corporate sponsorship. Bruno asks, "The Nabisco Democratic National Convention?" Toby says it's better than four nights of professional wrestling. Well, there go those Southern votes again. Toby continues to whine, but Bruno doesn't think that the news directors were really serious. He theorizes that they just needed to get some stuff of their chests, and when push comes to shove, they're going to cover the conventions. Bruno suggests that Toby at least give them something that they want. When pressed for a suggestion, Bruno mentions that he's partial to animals that can do math. They bicker some more. Bruno says he doesn't think it's possible for the four news directors from four competing networks to get together and decide anything. Toby thinks about that for a moment and wonders the same thing. Then he comes to some sort of realization and calls Bonnie in to ask her to get in touch with somebody in the Justice Department. Bruno comments that he still thinks it was about the skyboxes.
POTUS walks into his Oval Office, which is chock-full of the folks from the Situation Room, along with Leo. Leo explains to him that one of the transmissions Intelligence has intercepted has been traced to an alias used by Abdul Al-Yossi. Jed says this doesn't mean anything to him. Somebody explains that this man is in the United States using that alias under an expired visa. He was last located in Bethesda. They raided his place; he was gone, but they found detailed drawings and information about the National Archives and the Supreme Court building. Fitzwallace adds that they also found information about guards for the buildings, and other security-related details. POTUS asks whether they have any idea where or when something's going to happen yet. Fitz says they don't. POTUS asks what happened to Abdul Shareef, who is supposed to be providing intelligence out of Qumar. He's informed that Shareef hasn't been helping them. Leo wants to put the president on Marine One. Fitzwallace says that's not a good idea. He would rather keep the president where he is until they get a better idea where Al-Yossi is. Jed thanks all the men; they take their leave. After they leave, Jed insists to Leo that he won't go to the bunker: "There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out, I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore, and I like doing that." He says that they should send Abby back to New Hampshire for her safety, but that if Secret Service tries to force him to go to the bunker, he's going to hand in his resignation to Hoynes. Oh, whatever, President Drama Queen. It would serve him right if he went and got himself killed. He stalks out.
When we return from the commercials, Donna has tracked down an intern named Bruce (henceforth known as the Dumbest Intern on Earth) in the cafeteria. She pulls him out into the hallway and confronts him about the auctioned moose meat. The Dumbest Intern on Earth admits to auctioning it off, and doesn't see that there might be a problem. Donna tells him that it's an embarrassment to the White House, and to the people who work there. The Dumbest Intern on Earth says that he doesn't work there -- or rather, he doesn't get paid to work there. Dude, is it going on your résumé? Then you work there. He whines about all the work he does for free. Donna rightly points out that he knew what the internship was coming in, and that he had to jump through a number of hoops to get the position. Donna tells him that he's not going to be fired, but that he is going to be transferred out of the West Wing, and that he owes her $210, because she's the one who put in the winning bid for the moose meat. The Dumbest Intern on Earth explains that he already used that money to cover a check. Donna complains that she's out $210 for moose meat that she had originally gotten for free and didn't want, then sighs and sends the Dumbest Intern on Earth back to work. My summer journalism internship in D.C. ended up costing me about $4,000 that I'm still paying off. But fortunately, it also included six credits in journalism-related courses at Georgetown that transferred back to my university, so it was worth it, in addition to the experience. Now, if I only had a job....
Bruno walks down a hall to see C.J. She shows him several copies of what I'm guessing are wire stories that say that Sam wants the president to sign the clean campaign pledge, and also mention the tape of the attack ad. Bruno grabs the stories and stalks off. Somebody'd better get some extra toilet paper, because Sam's going to be getting a new asshole.
Meanwhile, Toby walks into the conference room, holding a large binder. The four news directors are there. One of them says that he heard Toby had a counteroffer. Toby says he has one: that they show all four nights of the convention. He explains that, because they got the airwaves for free, they have "an obligation to serve the public." Rather than demanding Toby prove that the conventions actually serve the public, the balding executive says that the public doesn't care about them. Toby repeats that they have an FCC obligation. Balding Executive points out that no station has lost its license for not showing enough public-interest programming. Toby agrees, but he has another trick up his sleeve. He threatens them with an anti-trust investigation because these folks have made the decision "not to compete for the best coverage of the convention." Wait. So when the networks all showed large amounts of the convention at the same time, that was okay? But when they all decide to show less than Toby would like, suddenly it's an anti-trust violation? Wouldn't it be funny if some television-show producers sued for the exact opposite? That each network showing two hours of convention programming per night, rather than running programming that would garner higher ratings, also constitutes an anti-trust violation? Toby recites a part of the federal anti-trust law, which states, "Every contract combination and conspiracy in restraint of trade or commerce is declared illegal." Yes, but the news directors are saying that covering the convention is a restraint of commerce because they make more money running other programming. And since they aren't selling the programming to the public, you'd be hard-pressed to argue any restraint of trade to begin with. Anti-trust laws would come into play if the networks conspired in such a way that their advertisers got screwed over. So very stupid. I would argue that Toby just showed them why they shouldn't cover the conventions at all. Toby gives a big speech about the government giving the networks the airwaves for free, and that the parties only ask for a couple of days every four years for this, and that the news directors can damn well give the parties two hours a night. Balding Executive says he'll talk to their lawyers.
Bruno stalks into Sam's office to give him the verbal slapdown. Sam is currently unaware of the news leaks. Bruno says that he told Sam not to meet with Log Kabin Kevin. Sam says that Kevin came to him and told him he wanted to keep things civil between the parties. Bruno interrupts Sam to tell him that Kevin leaked the meeting. Sam is incredulous. Bruno details that Kevin said that Sam supports the clean campaign pledge, and that Sam gave Kevin the tape. Bruno theorizes that this is going to be putting the Bartlet campaign on the losing side for at least the twelve news cycles. He rants, "Let me be clear. The pledge is their idea. Any move we make, we lose. Any move they make, they win." Well, I feel bad for Sam on the pledge thing, because Kevin completely lied about that. Does that mean that nobody in the administration can talk to a Republican without a third-party witness? Sam realizes what a huge fuck-up this is, and says he'll take full responsibility. But it gets even worse. Bruno brings Sam out to the hall, where news reports about the ad are on every network. The Ritchie campaign claims to have no involvement with the ad creation, and says that they don't know how Sam obtained it. And, of course, the networks are all showing the ad as part of their coverage. So the Ritchie campaign managed to get a negative attack ad out against Bartlet without being held responsible for making a negative attack ad. Sam is horrified. Bruno explains, "You got played, Sam, and you forgot that all warfare is based on deception. One of these days, you guys are going to listen to me, or you're going to find out what the crappy end of an Inauguration Day feels like." Bruno stomps off, and Sam stands there for a moment, listening to the sound of Log Kabin Kevin's betrayal wash all over him from a half-dozen televisions before heading back into his office and shutting the door.
Thursday. Sam sits in his car in a rainstorm. Eventually, he sees Log Kabin Kevin exit from DuPont Tower, and jumps out of his car to confront him. After chasing him down, he yells at Kevin about the betrayal. Kevin tells Sam to go to hell. Sam demands an explanation. Kevin, in turn, demands an explanation for the open mike. Sam insists that it was a mistake, but Kevin doesn't believe that. How interesting that Kevin is right. It turns out that Kevin and the Republicans weren't laughing at that joke at all. Kevin says, "That was my candidate you made a punch line out of. Is it going to happen again? I think it will." Sam angrily responds, "I think it will, too." Log Kabin Kevin turns and walks away.
Jed sits alone in the Oval Office. Charlie escorts in Leo and Fitzwallace. Abdul has been arrested, and a boat was seized about two hundred yards away from the port of Oakland, California. Wow, that's quite a ways away from Bethesda. The boat contained five thousand kilos of ammonium nitrate and a gallon of diesel fuel. The target was Fort Point, which has been decommissioned and therefore makes for an unusual target choice. But there's more: Fort Point serves as an anchoring position for the Golden Gate Bridge, and destroying the base could also potentially destroy the bridge. I can't imagine the vile things that would come out of Jerry Falwell's mouth if a terrorist attack were to hit San Francisco. POTUS is concerned that their intelligence was so off-base all this time, and that they barely averted a disaster. He again asks why they haven't heard from Shareef in Qumar. Fitzwallace tells him that he doesn't know yet, but he does have some unsettling news: now that they've got better ties with Russia following the Helsinki meeting, they're getting more information from that Chechnyan prisoner who alerted them to the attack from the first place. The prisoner says that he worked with an operative from the Bahji terrorist cell who claimed that he reported to Abdul Shareef, who is not only America's source for intelligence from Qumar, but also apparently the Qumari defense minister. Meaning, of course, that the military leader of another country may have been the one to orchestrate the attack on the Golden Gate Bridge. Fitzwallace says they're not sure yet, but Jed points out that Shareef is coming to the U.S. in ten days; Jed wants Fitzwallace to give him an answer by then. Fitz agrees and leaves. Leo and Jed look at each other with concern.
C.J. and Simon arrive back at C.J.'s office. She asks the Secret Service agent who is there for her evening protection if she could have a moment alone with Simon. He says, "Yes, Ma'am!" with the kind of enthusiasm that suggests that even he knows where this storyline is going. She brings Simon into her office and shuts the door. Then she demands to know what he and Hogan talked about while she was in the dressing room. That was two days ago. She's just now getting around to asking? He spills that he was in the protection detail at Rosslyn. C.J. mumbles out an awkward thanks to him. She gathers her jacket, gives him a slight smile as she tells him she's heading home, and wishes him good night. She leaves, and Simon heads over to her laptop to look through her email. All the addresses are from AOL, MSN, or MSNBC.com. Perhaps this show shouldn't be bringing up things like anti-trust suits at all. He notices an email with "Vera Wang" as the subject line. The address is from an AOL account, which you would think would be pretty easy to track down with the proper warrant. Simon opens the email. It reads: "The Vera Wang looked great on you. I'm glad you bought it. You should wear it in the couple of days because you're going to be dead soon." Simon slams the desk in frustration, presumably for not having recognized the stalker. Was it the man in the coat? Mr. Blackwell? Isaac Mizrahi? We'll have to wait to see.
week: Simon takes C.J. to a firing range. Does that count as their official first date? The president considers doing something nasty to Shareef because he can't arrest him. Deborah kidnaps Vern from Trading Spaces and won't let him go until her living room is beautiful. So I'll be back for one more fill-in.