By Deborah
Shout-out to Gustave's mother, just because.
Situation Room. Funkmaster Funky Fitz and Masta Killa J are being briefed by a General Wendall (via videoconference) on the military incursion of Kundu. General Wendall tells them the details of various vehicles and personnel. Suddenly, he's interrupted and has to take a phone call. Jed makes impatient comments while waiting for Wendall to finish with his call. Is this the Sit Room or the Snit Room? Mos Def Con (Leo, remember?) asks him to take it easy. Jed, not willing to take it easy: "Is he placing a bet?" Triple F: "Are we allowed to do that? And can I make a quick phone call before the 101st Air Assault..." Wendall comes back and tells them that the 82nd has just completed its takeover of Bitanga Airport. Everyone in the Sit Room applauds. Fitz gives Wendall the instruction to clear the airport for the 101st and stand by for a coded command. Jed thanks everybody, and he and Leo leave.
Jed and Leo pedeconference all the way back to the Oval Office -- and it's a long way -- as Leo tells him that was impressive. Jed: "Me?" Leo, laughing: "No, them." Jed's a little huffy about that, and Leo has to try to backpedal and explain that he wasn't saying that he doesn't think Jed can be impressive in this situation. Jed: "I could tell by the way you laughed in my face at the suggestion that I was." Leo tells him that the wheels-up has been changed to 6:00 PM because the DCCC arranged an event in Brentwood. Jed gripes, saying he told Sam about money and endorsements from outside the district and wants to know why he's going to Brentwood. Leo says it's for the same reason Willy Sutton robbed banks. Leo says that Joey (don't get excited; she's not in this ep) says Sam's anywhere from five to eight points down and his favorability is below fifty: "They're making it about values." Jed says that clean air and the right to privacy are values. Leo also says that the OMB wants a few more hours for revenue calculations, but that they're saying it's going to be today for sure. Man, the paint job on the panel molding in the stairway they're ascending is fantastic. Really nicely detailed. Jed complains, "Deficit-neutral. We've had fourteen meetings." Leo says they understand: "Ways and Means Democrats, then the NEC briefing on scoring." Jed wants to know what's wrong with booze and a comfortable pickup. Leo gives him a bumfuzzled look and Jed explains his joke: "Scoring." Leo says he knows what he meant: "What are you, from the Ozarks?" All over the Ozarks offended sons of the soil are logging onto AOL and inundating Sorkin with emails of complaint. That should be a new experience for him. Jed wants to know if they're going to have a tax plan or if he'll be stuck in NEC scoring hell for the rest of his term. Leo blathers about a meeting, something to do with salmon -- maybe they're naming a fish after Sam, or something (Sam N. Seaborn, get it?) and Jed complains that last week there was a banana embargo: "Is Congress opening a restaurant?" Leo says there's no reason Jed can't relax a bit in California. Jed: "Aren't there quite a few reasons?" Leo says there are.
Jed arrives at the Oval Office and there's Debbie Fiderer. Remember her? He greets her: "Miss Hamentaschen!" She wonders if it isn't a little early. He makes Leo recite his "scoring" joke to her and Debbie comments, "No, I see there's no hour too early for your Noel Coward-esque wit, sir." She informs him that Ambassador Tiki's in the Oval Office.
Jed enters the Oval Office and apologizes for keeping Tiki waiting, saying he was in the Snit Room. Tiki launches: "Mr. President, the U.S. is trampling on the sovereignty of my country, and on behalf of President Nzele..." Jed announces as he shakes Tiki's hand, "I've just taken your airport." Stunned silence. Jed continues, "Clearing the way for the 101st Air Assault to take the capital. Seven thousand troops, twenty-five battle tanks, fifteen Apache attack helicopters, and three destroyers. Strictly speaking, I conquered your country without the paperwork." Well, thank God they decided to follow their hearts and risk this humanitarian mission. One of Tiki's aides says that Kundu is in the midst of a civil war. Jed says it isn't: "It's in the midst of a one-sided slaughtering of an entire people. Both the Secretary-General of the United Nations and the Vatican have pleaded with President Nzele for a ceasefire and both the UN and the Holy Father have struck out, to the peril of 115,000 Induye men, women, and, God knows, children, particularly the boys." Tiki: "Who will soon be men and will rise up..." Yeah, it's awful when the children of oppressed populations mature and have never experienced anything but suffering and hatred. Too bad nothing can be done about that, other than to slaughter them wholesale. Jed: "The heads of Ghana, Nigeria, and Zaire have similarly been sent packing. The Red Cross has been denied entry on three separate occasions in the last ten days. President Nzele has thirty-six hours to give the command to his troops to hand over their weapons to the 82nd Airborne Division of the United States Army. At thirty-six hours and one minute, I give the order for the 101st Air Assault to take Bitanga and run up our flag." Run up your flag? Tiki just gazes at Jed, who suddenly announces, "I skipped breakfast. Anybody want coffee or something?" I love that there's no situation so serious that the President can't be glib. Well, except for the part...ah, you know the rest. Credits.
Briefing Room. C.J. tells them that Tiki and Nzele have been given thirty-six hours to halt the violence before forces are deployed. There's a Pentagon briefing at noon. Katie asks if they're in direct talks with Nzele. I think Katie's hair's getting a little too long; what do you think? It's kind of dragging down her face. C.J. explains that Ghana has offered to act as an intermediary, and talks begin within the hour. The military operation's name is Safe Haven. A reporter asks if she's decided on a press policy. C.J.: "Always be upbeat." That's not what he meant. She says she doesn't get to decide press policy for the US Armed Forces: "Though if wishing made it so..." She says they're bringing Pentagon Public Affairs along with them to California and they'll be meeting about it all weekend. She gives the forecasts for D.C. (cold) and Newport Beach (warm). Chris asks what kind of reception they're expecting from Orange County. C.J.: "Don't be fooled: they love us in Orange County. They're crazy-go-nuts for the President -- really, the whole Democratic Party in general. I think they really like it when we come to town. When we were there last month, we were working the crowd, and some young boys -- worried possibly that I couldn't afford fruits and vegetables on a government salary -- tossed me some of their own." Polite chuckling. C.J. ends the briefing, saying they're going to have a "dabba-doo" time, and she'll see them on the plane.
As she leaves the room, C.J. tells Carol she has $1331 in her chequing account and she'll give Carol $1300 if she'll go to California in her place. She just wants $31 for food and transportation. C.J. complains about the sky-blue DKNY suit that was ruined, and she'd only worn it for forty-one minutes: "There should be a law against that." I'm guessing she might be hard-pressed to get a lot of sympathy from someone on Carol's government salary. She's lucky if she can buy DKNY microfibre leotards. Carol's giving her some information which leads C.J. to figure out that the Republicans are about to roll out their tax plan. She calls out to Josh in the hallway, telling him that Rittenhouse and Gacy just booked the Sunday shows. She tells Carol, "We need to see the President."
In the Oval Office, Pierre EscargoAway is haranguing Jed about the superiority of the French system. For those of you overseas who've never seen any of Frenchie's episodes, he looks like the love child of Ashton Kutcher and Claire Danes. Zoey's there too. Frenchie says he thinks it's better to work to live than to live to work. What a charming notion, especially in one so wealthy. Jed points out that 20% of French youth is unemployed: "They're just living to live!" Frenchie: "Yes, that is right, but sir, we have the best public health care and pension in the world. State-financed pensions are equal, almost, to income levels." Jed: "Yeah, it helps when someone else is picking up the bigger-ticket items like a national defense." Heh. Zoey: "Love seeing my two men sparring." Ugh. Shut up, Zoey. Don't you need to go shoe shopping with Gwyneth Paltrow or something? Jed: "I'm sorry?" Frenchie helpfully explains that Zoey's very fond of Jed. Jed: "Excellent." Charlie knocks and enters; Jed can see the Fab Four waiting outside his office. Before Charlie can say much, Jed says, "Yes, absolutely, send them in." They drift in and hang near the door. Frenchie is undeterred: "You see, there is an attitude in your culture. There is an effort to defy all that is European and that behaviour is seen by many to be..." Jed cuts him off with a "Yeah, whatever" and asks what the Fab Four needs. Josh says they didn't know he was busy and indicates they'll wait: "The three of you should bond." Jed walks over to Josh and quietly says, "If you leave, I'll kill you." Jed turns to his annoying daughter and even more annoying potential son-in-law and says they'll have to leave because Josh has gotten himself in a jam. As they leave, Jed says he'll see them tomorrow night, and they can continue the discussion on what's wrong with him.
C.J. tells POTUS that the Chair of House Ways and Means and Senate Finance are doing the Sunday shows. Jed's glad to hear they're rolling out their tax plan, so the Democrats can roll out theirs. Josh points out that it means it will be tomorrow or Sunday before they can respond. Jed suggests going first; he tells them to call the press in, and he'll do it right now. Josh says it's not ready. Jed: "Toby?" Toby: "I don't like that French kid very much." Bwah! Take a number. Jed asks whether the tax plan will be ready tomorrow; Toby says it will. Jed says they respond to theirs with the Democrats' either tomorrow or Sunday. Toby points out that they'd be announcing a 1% tax increase on the richest 1% of the population in Orange County. Jed: "Then that's where we do it." Will, who's the only one not sitting down, points out that it will kill Sam's campaign. Which is why Josh thinks they should cancel the trip. C.J. points out that their cancelling would equally damage Sam's campaign. Will agrees. C.J. thinks they have to go to Orange County, but tells Jed: "There's $1300 with your name on it if you don't make me go with you." Toby: "Get over the dress, would you?" C.J.: "It was a suit, and they hit me with an avocado!" Toby: "It could have been worse." C.J.: "How?" Toby: "They could have hit me." C.J. tells Jed that the first forty-eight hours of the news cycle are the most important, and they won't have anything to fight the Republicans with if they don't announce their plan, too. Jed says it's a killer decision: "But let's lean toward Sam and say we smile and keep our mouths shut in California and then come out fighting Monday morning." They leave, with C.J. muttering, "I'm going to go pack thirty-eight sets of clothing now for two days."
On their way out, Toby tells Will that every speech POTUS gives on Tuesday has to be about their tax plan. Will says that POTUS is making nine public remarks on Tuesday, and that he can get it done. Toby says he can, because he's going to use the speechwriting staff to help him: "You will tell them what you need, you will expect it. You will tell them how they can do better and they will do it." Will replies, "In theory. On paper, your plan is very sound." It turns out that the staff still resents and dislikes Will. Will wonders what he's done. Toby doesn't know why they don't like him nor does he care. Will: "I made Rice Krispies treats." Aw. ["They must hate him a lot; normally, bringing in sweet carbohydrate-based treats is the best way to win over any office." -- Wing Chun] Toby explains that Will's been here for three minutes and they've been working for the President for years: "They have whiplash." Will mentions the Rice Krispies treats again; Toby barks that he can't believe they haven't come around yet. He tells Will that many of these remarks are the lowest possible priority and that there are better uses of Will's time: "Now instruct your staff!" Will agrees and leaves.
Will turns to Ginger and asks, "Are you by any chance on my staff?" She is. He asks to her to organize a meeting of the speechwriting staff this evening. Ginger: "Are you gonna be there?" Will: "Yes. Yes! The meeting's with me." Ginger: "Yes, sir." Will goes into his office, pauses at the door, and looks like he was going to say something else to her, but then thought better of it.
Will closes the door and calls Sam. Sam's hair is too long, but at least it's not both too long and parted in the middle. It's parted on the side, which partially mitigates the length. Partially, you hear me? Maybe Sam and Katie can sneak out together and get a trim. ["I thought it might be an especially shaggy wig." -- Wing Chun] Will asks Sam why he cancelled the Teamsters. I imagine Will has naturally been trying to keep a very close eye on the campaign in the 47th in addition to grappling with all his new responsibilities. Sam says that Scott thought they should be at the Manufacturing Association breakfast. Will doesn't think that was very smart. Sam calls across the room to Scott that Will doesn't think he's very smart. Scott looks up. Hey, it's Dr. Dale Edson! Will says, "I said 'it wasn't smart.'" Will asks Sam how he gets the speechwriting staff to like him. Sam says he doesn't know: "But when you do, why don't you tell me how you did it?" Hmm. I don't think I believe that the staff didn't like Sam. I don't think Will does, either. Sam says he's going to have to get a new staff now. Will says they have to get a lot of remarks ready for Monday. When Sam asks what's going on on Monday, Will realizes he shouldn't have said anything and lies that it's about the environment. Sam has to go. Sam tells his campaign managers that Will was wondering why they cancelled the Teamsters. Scott tells Sam that while Bartlet et al. are here this weekend, "You're going to need to work hard at avoiding the appearance that you're sitting in his lap, he's reading you a bedtime story." Sam would like to know what they have planned that could require him to have to work hard at that. Scott says, "You stand to him, you're aide-de-camp, a waterboy." The other campaign guy -- whose name I can't remember (if I ever knew it) -- offers: "Second banana." Sam wonders if they think he didn't know what they meant. Seriously, I already don't know how he's put up with these two for the last three months. Scott says, "This went fast in an ugly direction." He says people need to know Sam is independent. Sam says he has a good feeling about this trip already.
Friday Night. Over the Grand Canyon. We're on Air Force One; on a monitor, a TV anchorperson reports on the Republican Party's intention to roll out their $800 billion tax cut plan and the lack of response from the White House. The staffers (Ed, Larry, Donna, Toby) watch the news; Toby looks frustrated. Larry says that POTUS is going to go out of his mind. Toby says he's going to go with him. They agree that it's worse than they thought it was going to be. Suddenly Andi -- fairly pregnant but not looking exactly as large as you'd think a woman nearly eight months pregnant with twins would look, and moving pretty gracefully to boot -- wanders out and says, "Did you just see that?" Yay, Andi! Toby stands up and says, "Oh, my God. Have you been on the plane the whole time?" Andi: "No, I hopped on board when you guys were over the Great Lakes." He wants to know what she's doing there. She says she told him she was coming. He says he told her she couldn't fly. She says her doctor told her she could fly through the thirty-second week: "And I thought since he's my doctor, and you're really dumb, I'd join the Congressional delegation and help out Sam." He says nothing. She prompts him: "Isn't it great?" Toby: "Listen to me. We've got all kinds of atmospheric cabin pressure up here. We're a little late, so the Colonel's put the hammer down in a 747. You've got wind shear, downdraft, massive turbulence, not to mention four giant engines burning jet fuel at galactic temperatures. We're standing in a flying death tube!" Everyone looks up. Toby: "No, not the rest of y-y-you, it's just my family. It's fine. Look..." Andi: "What do you want me to do, step off?" Toby: "Also, you've got twins in there; you're basically a minivan. How are you fitting into a seat?" Whoa. Not. Smart. Also, I'm thinking the accommodations on Air Force One are a wee bit more generous than your standard economy class sardine can deal. Donna looks at Toby. Andi turns to the rest of the people in the room and says, "Uh-uh...I saw him first, girls." Bwah! Why can't this be the Andi and Toby show? That's not a rhetorical question.
Donna catches up with Josh to tell him there were some messages from an Ivan Perez of the California Agricultural Labourers Association who wants to meet with Josh. Josh doesn't know who he is, and tells Donna to find out if he's for real by meeting with him herself. Donna: "What litmus test would you like me to use?" Josh: "Well, to begin with, is he wearing shoes and a shirt?" That's Josh Lyman: No shoes, no shirt, no service. Unless you're a chick, then the "no-shirt" thing is negotiable. Donna wants to know what to do if he is. Josh advises her to ask him what he thinks of a guy named Richard Sutter, an Assemblyman who proposed some Farm Labour thing that Josh doesn't finish explaining. He tells Donna that if Perez doesn't have a strong opinion on Sutter, he doesn't play at her level. Donna: "I have a level?" She's obviously pleased and surprised to learn this. Josh: "You do. It's not a lot to speak of, but you know, no shoes, no shirt, I'm sorry, but you draw the line."
Donna walks away as C.J. comes up to the coffee station and tells Josh, "We've begun spreading our magic already." Apparently, a number of wires have been crossed between air traffic control, highway patrol, and whatever else, and Interstate 5 has been shut down for ninety minutes, despite their late arrival. Josh: "Is that a freeway that gets used a lot?" C.J.: "Not for the last hour and a half." Josh wonders whether POTUS has seen any news coverage of the Republican tax plan. Josh and C.J. cross a hallway, at the end of which Jed approaches a doorway and says, "'No response from the White House?'" Dude, what did you think they were going to say? Jed proffers a bilabial fricative and says that's his response. Larry says it's worse than they thought. Ed adds, "It is." Jed claps Ed on the arm and says: "Sing it, Larry!" Ed says, "Ed." Jed's enraged to read that the Republicans are planning an across-the-board tax cut of fifteen percent, and a 50% capital gains tax cut. Toby says they claim it's going to cost $800 billion. Josh and C.J. arrive. Josh says it's actually going to cost $1.2 trillion. Jed: "I'm not an economist, but...no, wait, I am an economist." He prompts C.J. to say that their plan will explode the deficit. Jed: "Will it stimulate the economy, Josh?" Josh: "It'll stimulate the Swiss economy." Jed: "Josh gets extra credit for being funny and right at the same time and how long do I have to stay quiet, Toby?" Toby says he's the Grand Poobah of the Greatest Superpower Ever and he can talk whenever he wants. Jed: "And not kill Sam?" Toby: "No. For that you gotta shut up for fifty hours." Jed: "And so I shall."
Back at the White House, Will asks Elsie (sigh) what she's doing. Why is Elsie still here? Why? Maybe Zoey could introduce her to some other obnoxious French guy -- maybe Le Vicomte Eurotrash has a brother? -- and she could go be annoying in France, where I won't have to know about it. (Sorry, France. When it comes to Ms. Snuffin, it's everyone for herself. Maybe she'll grow on you, like Jerry Lewis did. What the hell is that all about, anyway?) Elsie's writing stuff for FLOTUS, who despite the cast list in the promo material for this episode is not in this episode. Get it together, NBC promo people. The synopses you're putting out -- when you can be bothered at all -- are riddled with factual and spelling errors. How hard is it to write three accurate sentences and spell all the words right? And tell us who's actually in the show? Anyway, Elsie blathers about the group she's writing remarks for, but no one cares, especially me. Will asks when she'll be done; she says tonight. He says she needs her the rest of the weekend. She says he's got a staff. Excuse me, but I thought that was part of her excuse for being here. He dragged her along telling Toby that they were a package deal and Toby told Will he had to foot the hotel bill for Elsie himself. Will was fine with that. Now he's on staff. What is she still doing here? Is he paying her? Why is she writing for FLOTUS? Whom does she work for? And more importantly, what is she still doing here? Oh, I asked that already. Will indicates they were not won over by the agglutination of puffed rice cereal, butter, and marshmallows. Elsie says they work for him. Will: "Try telling them that." She asks if he has tried that. Will says he hasn't, basically because he's intimidated by them. Though he disses their writing skills anyway. Seriously, Will, clear the decks and hire a new staff. Will mentions that they took Bitanga Airport. Elsie: "You think we don't watch the news down there?" Where is "down there"? Hell? She wonders if Will thinks POTUS took Bitanga because Will told him to. Will says they've only taken the airport, and he's just saying that things happen fast. Elsie watches him walk out of the building.
Leo is meeting with the Ghanaian representatives. Nzele is demanding that American troops leave Bitanga immediately and he'll continue peace talks with African countries. Leo says no. First Guy says it can't be argued that Nzele is a sadistic madman, but he's not stupid: "He knows where CNN is on his television. He's betting the first dead American soldier, and you lose...." Leo: "Our stomach for it?" First guy: "Yes." Leo tells Thomas and Robbie that they have to find a way to let Nzele know he has twenty-three hours before he loses that bet.
Will wanders into the meeting room, where he finds four attractive, trendily dressed young women. They explain they're the speechwriting staff interns. Will asks where the staff is; the woman who's been speaking isn't sure. He asks one woman her name; it's Lauren Chin. He asks her to find out where the staff is. Cassie, the first woman, says that Toby left a message for Will to call him. She introduces herself as Cassie Tatum, and the other two women as Lauren Romano and Lauren Shelby. Will grasps that three of them are named Lauren and recites their names. He steps into an adjoining office and calls Toby. While he's waiting for Toby to pick up, he remarks, "You're all pretty dressed up." Cassie says there's an intern party tonight but Toby told them to stay. Will reaches Toby in the back of a limo with C.J. Toby complains that it's 74 degrees in February and there's no civilization there. Isn't he a Lakers fan? Wouldn't being so close to them make him happy? Will asks where the staff is; Toby explains that he fired some of them. Well, all of them. Toby says he'll have a new staff just as soon as Will hires one. Will says he'll get it done himself. Toby says he can't, and that's why he left him a staff. Will complains, "That isn't a staff, Toby. Those are the Robert Palmer girls." Toby says they're bright young women: "Show some leadership skills. Get it done." Will figures out that they actually quit because of him. Toby admits it.
The motorcade arrives and Sam is waiting for them with a big smile on his face. C.J.'s the first to give Sam a big hug. Toby's . They apologize for being late. C.J. asks if they did much damage. Sam: "They got a photograph of an American SUV with three kids in the back crying 'cause they were stuck getting home from Disney's California Adventure." Geez, that's rough. I hope they get a big fat settlement when they sue. ["They were probably crying because Disney's California Adventure sucks so hard." -- Wing Chun] Sam says he feels bad about the timing of their trip: "Who knew the Republicans were going to announce? Plus, he's gotta be distracted by Kundu." Just then C.J. spots Jed, who walks up and hugs Sam, apologizing. Sam thanks him for coming and says he was just telling C.J. he must be preoccupied with Kundu. Jed tells him, "The French have denied us access to their airspace. I'm not sure why they think we're going to need it to get from here to Africa but what the hell. This weekend's all about you." He urges Sam up onto the stage as "Rock This Town" blares in the background and Charlie comes up to tell POTUS that Leo's on the phone. Jed says it will be about France. Before Jed takes the call, he looks around and asks if they accidentally trapped people in a theme park. Charlie says yes. Sam's audience applauds him enthusiastically; the banners and signs say "Seaborn for Congress" and "Sam! For Congress." That is some inspired sloganeering. What's the other guy's approach: "Webb: The Incumbent"? "My Name is Shorter than His"? Sam thanks everyone and says, "You've heard from a lot of people tonight and many of them were me." Laughter. He says he's happy to see that so many teachers brought students. Sam introduces POTUS: "The man I work for is not only a great President, he's an extraordinary role model, and someone you can honestly..." In the background you can clearly hear Jed growling at Leo on the phone, "Tell those poncy little hairdressers I'm gonna shove a loaf of bread up their ass..." Wouldn't that line have been slightly funnier if he said "baguette" instead? Sam quickly introduces him and he comes up on stage to the tune of "Hail to the Chief" and much applause. Sam and Jed hug, and Jed raises Sam's arm in victory.
Will comes into the same meeting room the morning and greets the interns. He's got an armload of football shirts: "These are for you." He wants them to wear them. He says it will move things along, as he tosses a shirt to each woman. He asks if they've met his sister Elsie. They have. The four of them pull on the shirts with relatively good humour. He explains they have to write a bunch of remarks about the Democratic tax plan: "I need you all to help me take prepared remarks -- say, about the canning of catfish -- and make it about the tax plan." Canned catfish? Ew. He asks one Lauren, whom he addresses as "Number 60," what she's writing down. Oh no; he's not going to call them by the numbers on their shirts, is he? That shouldn't alienate them at all. She says she's writing down "canning of catfish." He says it's just an expression. Lauren says she's never heard it. Neither has Elsie. Will says he just made it up. Will starts calling on them by number, asking what a capital gain is and what the Republicans want and so on. He explains the Democratic plan and asks what the difference is between the two. Cassie: "They want to lower taxes and we want to raise them." Will wouldn't put it quite like that. Cassie says he just did: "Will, we're interns. Do you think we have any clue as to how to write a tax policy speech?" Will says, "Well, I'm sure you had to write in college, in the many, many government and poli sci and economics classes you took while attending...?" Cassie: "The London School of Ballet." Will: "What the hell are you doing here?" Oh, no you don't. I get to find out what Elsie's doing here first. Cassie says she's changing direction. The phone rings and it's Toby, saying they got off to a rough start last night. Will would like a chance to talk to Scott Holcomb. Toby tells him not to worry about the campaign. Will thinks Scott's blowing the work his team did in Orange County. Toby tells him not to worry about it. He asks how the remarks are going. Will says it's going great: "These guys are pros." He covers the mouthpiece to ask Elsie what she's doing. Elsie: "I'm erasing 'canning of catfish.'" Oy. Will says he's gotta go.
In the hotel room Toby's calling from, the Fab Four (Original Flavour) are sitting around eating breakfast and reading the papers. C.J. says there some nice shots of Sam and Jed but the one he's going to see a lot of is him kissing a "liberal, pregnant, unwed Congresswoman." Toby: "Kissing her where?" Sam doesn't say. Josh says that another paper's criticizing POTUS for campaigning at the same time he's sending troops overseas. Sam says another paper's featured what they term "insulting remarks" in their pull-out section. Toby: "They mind that he insulted the French?" That must be a first in American history. C.J.: "Or 'poncy hairdressers.' It's not clear." Sam says he also mentioned vouchers, and closing the 5, 55, and 405 didn't play well: "And because he was late, he couldn't see off a battalion leaving from Miramar; flights out of John Wayne were held on the ground, and of course, children crying at 'The Pirates of the Caribbean' and it's still 6:30 in the morning." C.J.: "So you'd rate the trip so far, what, B, B-minus?" Sam looks bummed. C.J.: "C-minus?" She promises him they'll get it together. Sam says he has no idea what makes him say it, but it's good to see them. He gets up to leave for his strategy breakfast. Josh asks if Sam wants him to come. Sam says that's okay. Toby tells him to let Josh come. Sam makes a general allusion to Josh and Scott Holcomb not getting along. C.J. says she thinks Scott's been making bad mistakes with Sam and that Josh has been right. Toby: "I know Josh has been right, and if you think that's easy for me to say..." Josh complains that Scott's been putting Sam with business. Sam says Scott says that's how a Democrat wins Orange County. Josh: "Has a Democrat ever won Orange County?" Sam: "No." Josh: "Then how would he know?" Sam says that's a fair point but the DNC wants Holcomb and that's where the money's coming from. He says he'll see them later and walks away a bit. Josh comes over to him and quietly says, "I wasn't trying to get under his skin. On the other hand, I didn't really care that I had, you know what I mean?" He adds that some polls have Sam within seven: "If you only lost by seven, that'd be huge, man." Sam looks slightly hurt and annoyed as he says, "I don't want to think like that yet." Way to support the team, Josh. Sam leaves as Josh says, "Good." Josh turns back to Toby and C.J. and asks, "Okay, where are we?" They say nothing but toss down the front pages of The New York World and the Washington Post, which have headlines about the lack of response from Democrats on the Republican tax plan.
Donna meets with Ivan Perez at a restaurant. He's giving her chapter and verse on migrant workers' rights as someone suddenly comes up and takes their picture without asking. Donna comments that that was weird. Ivan says that happens to him sometimes. Donna asks if he's also a rock star in addition to being a farm labour leader. She goes on to ask him his opinion of Richard Sutter. Ivan says he's the enemy and starts to elaborate but Donna's heard enough and says she'll try to get him in to see Josh while they're there. Ivan seems pleased.
Outside the restaurant, Donna runs into Sam, who seems happier to see her than he has anybody else so far. He's with Scott and his other campaign guy and some aides and introduces her to them as one of his best friends. Sam and Donna kiss on both cheeks. Seriously, Donna. Josh? When you could have Sam? You mystify me. They all walk along as he asks where she's coming from. She tells him who she just met with and that Josh wanted her to find out if he's legit. Sam hasn't heard of him but asks the rest of his entourage about Perez. Turns out the guy ran for Governor of California under the Communist Party. Donna's shocked to learn he's a Communist: "I thought he was a farmer." Scott: "They're all farmers!" (Psst, Donna...Google. Sam tells him to take it easy. Man, she hardly seems to be able to get out of bed without putting her foot in something smelly. She just seems to be involved in one perception problem after another with this administration. Sam asks Donna if anyone saw her having coffee. Donna tells him about the photographer. Scott: "Oh, my God!" He and the other guy pull out their phones as the Other Manager says, "Honest to God, lady, how stupid can you be?" Wrong move, buddy. Sam: "Hey! Out of here. You're fired." He just loves to fire obnoxious men as a chivalrous gesture. Okay, maybe twice doesn't constitute a pattern. ["I would have been more impressed if Donna had told him to go blow herself. She doesn't work for his ass." --Wing Chun] Scott's on the phone but says, "I need him." Sam: "I don't care. He's out of here." Other Manager obnoxiously says, "You're gonna get creamed." Sam: "Like I'm not used to that."
Will notices Leo walking around and catches up to him. As they walk through the halls, Leo says he heard his staff quit: "Because we promoted you to deputy?" Will: "It would appear so." Leo: "Well, that's a little small." Will brushes it off and asks if there's anyone around with speechwriting experience he could borrow for a day or two. Leo says a lot of people went to California, and the Treasury Secretary's staff is in the Midwest. Will asks if there's anything he can do for Leo, with regard to whatever's happening right now: "I feel a little responsible." Leo: "You are." Will asks if Leo needs him to prepare remarks at all. Leo: "I hope not." Leo walks into the Sit Room.
Therein, Leo talks quietly to Fitz, while others go about their business: "When was the last flyover?" It was within the last hour. They try to be professional and keep their emotional baggage out of it, since there are other staff members around. But you can tell Fitzy's heart is breaking, and he's just putting on a brave face. No one can ever take Leo's place. Leo wonders if they're seeing any pictures of the Arkutu preparing to surrender. Fitz says no. He shows Leo a photo which shows 3200 Induye being marched down a road toward Mutsato. He shows him another, which indicates twice as many bulldozers and cranes working, and twice as many smokestacks burning than there were an hour ago. Finally, Fitz shows him a photo of the mass gravesite to which those 3200 Induye are being marched. Leo: "How many more in the twenty hours?" Fitz estimates it's 20,000. Leo asks, "So why not talk about blowing off the deadline?" Fitz: "'Cause we'd need fifty-five more aircraft off the USS Colonnade the 3rd Infantry." Leo: "He's trying to finish the job before the deadline." Fitz: "Yes." Leo leaves with a grave look as Fitz continues studying the photos. You can see how the NBC promo gerbils have their hands full, what with trying to spell things right and figure out how to position genocide and slaughter against Trista, Ryan, and Charlie. Why is it I know the names of the people on The Bachelorette when I've never even seen one minute of that show? I guess I can wonder about that through the commercials.
C.J. meets with the press at a hotel. She's wearing a peach-coloured suit. I hate peach, but I would like to know why it is she looks good in practically everything, even a peach suit. How fair is that? Katie asks if POTUS read Sam a bedtime story last night, and if so, which one? I bet Sam likes Goodnight Moon. No, she asks if he is monitoring the situation in Kundu. C.J. says he's getting continuous updates and spoke by phone today with the UN Secretary-General and the leadership of the World Bank and the IMF to begin discussing rebuilding packages after the Arkutu step down. She says that he has a conference call with his economic team this afternoon. Chris asks, "That's about the Democratic response?" C.J.: "The tax plan isn't a response to the Republicans, it's a tax plan. And yes." Another reporter asks if there are any California issues on the schedule. He's got meetings with a bunch of California politicians in his suite. Mark asks, "Speaking of California politics..." C.J. takes the bull -- or perhaps the bear -- by the horns (horns? okay, that little metaphor didn't work out so well) and replies, "Was a White House aide sent to meet with the Communist Party's candidate for governor?" C.J. says Donna was sent to meet with the head of the California Agricultural Labourers Association, who, it turns out, has some loose ties to the American Communist Party. Katie: "He's their standard-bearer." C.J.: "Like that one." C.J. says Mr. Perez was heard, as is his right, and that's that. Chris asks how she thinks the picture of Donna and Ivan will play in Orange County. C.J.: "Really, really well." She says she'll speak to them before the dinner.
Will's still trying to turn the Robert Palmer girls into speechwriters. One of them is reading silently along with him as he reads her work, which urges its audience to teach their children that the Republican tax plan is a job killer. Will doesn't think that's going to work out so well. Elsie wants points for their candour. Will calls on Number 24, who reminds him with some exasperation that her name is Cassie. Really, Will. There are only two names to remember here: Cassie and Lauren. It's not that hard. If you just look at whichever Lauren you're talking to everyone will sort it out. Or you could call them by their last names. Isn't that what you'd do if they were guys? He starts to read from her remarks to the National Headache Foundation and asks, "Is there really a National Headache Foundation or did you just make that up, like the London School of Ballet?" Cassie: " Yeah...I was an American Studies major at the University of Texas." Will says he knows: "You don't think I know how to retrieve information?" Cassie wants to know what he was doing looking her up. He says he was doing his job. ["Why would she lie about that? It's stupid." -- Wing Chun] Lauren (Chin) says the phone is for him. It's Toby. He's out on a balcony or patio; in the background you can see people playing pool inside. He asks Will how it's going. Will wants to know why Scott booked Sam into the Newport Beach Chamber of Commerce. Toby asks whether he told Will to worry about the speeches or worry about Sam's campaign. Will: "I worry about Sam's campaign without anyone telling me to." Toby asks him to read the speech for the swearing-in of the Ambassador. Will: "Ambassador Stanis will help to build and sustain a new era of cooperation between the United States and Hungary. And let's please all remember that cutting capital gains taxes is a bad idea." Toby: "Okay, you're going to polish that up?" Will is.
Over at the pool table, Frenchie and Charlie are playing pool. Frenchie asks, "Who will pay in the tax plan you're proposing?" Charlie says the President is proposing it, not him. He explains that there will be a 1% tax increase on the wealthiest 1% of the population in order to pay for a plan that would make college tuition fully tax-deductible for anyone making under $80,000 and incrementally tax-deductible after that. Frenchie says it's ridiculous. Charlie: "That's 'cause you're part of the 1%." Frenchie says he doesn't think taxes are too high; he thinks they're too low: "You see? You don't know me." Charlie: "Yeah. Speaking of people getting to know you...you and Zoey went to a couple of runway shows in Paris and there were an awful lot of pictures." Frenchie: "That is avoidable?" Charlie says it's not completely avoidable, but it's somewhat avoidable: "And you should try, 'cause it's a security risk." Frenchie wants to know why. Charlie: "'Cause of the details crazy people pick out of photographs. You can make the scene without making a scene, you understand?" Frenchie says he took Zoey to meet his parents. Charlie says that Ma and Pa Eurotrash weren't at the Versace show. Frenchie: "She's a sexy girl, Charlie. She likes having her picture taken." Charlie says she doesn't. Frenchie sends a ball into a corner pocket and says, "She doesn't mind having it taken with me." Shut up, Pierre. Charlie, if you're not going to shove that pool cue up his ass, may I? Not only can I not figure out what Zoey sees in this irritating walking stereotype but I'm at a loss as to figure out what the hell Charlie still sees in her. Zoey comes wandering up and stands close to Frenchie, who tells her they were talking about taxes. They start sucking face as Charlie watches for a moment. He's thinking, "Vas-donc vous chercher une chambre!" But he doesn't say it. He puts his pool cue away (not, unfortunately, where I think he should have stowed it) and says he's got to get to Sam's rally. Zoey says they're right behind him.
Nearby, Andi, Toby, Donna, and C.J. are sitting in some comfortable chairs around a small table. C.J. is telling Toby that he and Josh need to take over Sam's campaign, just for the last week. Toby says they've asked: "We said we'd go off the White House payroll. I've had to bungee Will to his desk. Until a higher authority steps in, the DNC wants Holcomb." C.J. complains that they have Sam at community centres at a podium: "It looks like he's wearing his dad's old suit!" She argues that they should be trading on his youth and vitality. Toby knows. Donna: "Communists look exactly like non-Communists." Toby: "Tell me about it." Just then, some badly dressed but probably well-off schlub and his wife walk past their little group and the guy says, "Miss Wyatt, those kids you got in there...deserve a father." Holy crap. Andi turns around and says, "I'm sorry, are you talking to me?" I was hoping she'd go into a whole Travis Bickle thing here, but alas. He stops and says, "Yes, I was. That's all." Andi: "They've got a father, and it's Congresswoman Wyatt, not 'Miss.'" He chortles, while his wife just gives him a sort of "naughty boy" look, and says, "Whatever you say." Andi: "Damn right, whatever I say." She turns back as C.J. gives her an incredulous look. But he's not done; he comes back for more: "You may not realize it...but you are an example to young women, and there's something to be said for acting like it." Andi: "Well, I believe I do." Self-Righteous McIndignation: "You do." C.J. tells him he's way out of line and that they're having a private conversation. Mrs. McIndignation speaks, though oddly, she didn't ask her husband's permission first (I'm sure she'll be lectured about that all the way home): "No, it's not private when you're an elected official." Andi slowly stands up, saying that she appreciates their reminding her of her sworn duty, "But if it's all right with you..." Mr. McIndignation gets up in her face and says, "Yeah, but it's not all right with me!" People are standing around watching this now. Andi says, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that..." Him: "You should be sorry!" Toby inserts himself between Andi and the guy and tells him he's standing too close now. His wife says, "It's the father." Toby: "Yeah, it's the father and you're standing too close." C.J. leaps up. Toby: "So if you're going to insist on being drunk and minding other people's business, you've got to take a step back, 'cause as you are apparently aware, the Congresswoman is pregnant." Charlie, who's nearby, notices this to-do and comes over to ask if there's a problem. The wife snipes, "This is the one who was with the daughter." "This is the one"? Yeesh. Why is almost everyone they encounter outside of Washington a walking, talking stereotype, usually right-wing?
We cut to the White House where Leo's meeting again with Thomas and Robbie, the Ghanaian reps. They're telling him Nzele wants $500 million in undirected aid, assurance that he stays in power, and a guarantee of immunity for himself (and his top aides) from prosecution for war crimes. Oh, and he'd like July to be "National Genocide Month." I might be making that last one up. Leo, not surprisingly, is incredulous. Margaret pops in with a note which Leo reads and hands to one of the reps. He tells Margaret to get him Fitz and then POTUS.
Orange County jail, or some such place. A cop hauls some mope past Toby, who's yapping on his cell phone telling C.J. he's fine, and that they should go on to the rally, and that Andi shouldn't come there. Toby asks the officer who's fingerprinting Charlie for a ballpark figure on how long this is going to be. Officer: "Assault? Six to twenty months." Heh. But I don't think that's what Toby meant. Also: there goes law school, Charlie. Well, maybe not, if you're only convicted on a misdemeanour. Charlie says, "It wasn't assault. He slipped on a thing." Officer: "Well, the guy says you hit him." Charlie: "Well, that was different. That part may have been assault." Dude, did they not Mirandize you? Have you never watched, like, one minute of television? Law and Order? NYPD Blue? Oz? Cops? Any of these ring a bell? "Can and will be used against you in a court of law," my friend. Toby tells C.J. to tell Sam to hit hard on health-care quality and to acknowledge the AFL folk. The officer barks for Toby to come get fingerprinted. Toby keeps yapping and finally the officer says, "Hey! Give me the damn phone!" I'll say. It certainly seems like they're getting kid-glove treatment compared to your average perps. I know, they've got a lot of juice with the leader of the free world, but shouldn't the cop be breaking their balls a little more? The officer keeps walking toward him and Toby says, "I gotta go...I'm under arrest." Charlie says, "He's not going to know the names of the people he's meeting." Toby asks if he ever does. The officer starts fingerprinting Toby, who asks, "Is there any chance I can get a corner cell? Or anything, possibly, with a loft space?" The cop tells him, "They're solitary." Toby: "Perfect." That's my guy. I'm just severely bummed that we didn't get to see Toby and Charlie clock that clown.
Scott comes into the room where Sam's getting ready for his rally. He's changing because he got salsa on his shirt. Sorry, but the powers that be didn't see fit to feature Rob Lowe shirtless here. Scott asks everyone to leave. When they do, he says he's going to propose something bold. Sam likes the sound of that. Scott says the White House is going to announce its tax plan on Monday and tells him what it is. Sam knows, of course, because he worked on it, too. Scott suggests that he come out against it tonight to show that he's not "bought and paid for by the West Wing." Scott adds that many of the 1% who will be affected by that tax live in Orange County. Sam says he worked on that plan for tax-deductible tuition. Scott says he was just following the President's orders. Sam: "Yeah, and the President was also doing what I helped advise him to do." Rob Lowe's hair is just way too long here. It's sort of flipping up at the back of his neck, above his collar. It's also really flat. If he had some horn-rimmed glasses and an ironic thrift-shop t-shirt, he could be in Sloan or something. Scott says it doesn't matter. Sam wants to know how Scott knows they're announcing on Monday. Scott won't tell him, but smugly insists that he knows, and that it's been fully scored. Sam suddenly figures out what his friends are doing for him. Grabbing his jacket, he rushes out.
POTUS and his entourage are walking along. Debbie's there. He calls her "Mrs. Hottentot." Hey, if he wants some silly-sounding names for her, how about Mrs. Flibbertigibbet? Mrs. Homunculus? Mrs. Didgeridoo? Mrs. Pentachlorophenol? Okay, I'll stop. Wait, isn't she a "Miss" or "Ms.," anyway? I have this vague recollection of her husband having run off. Am I totally imagining that? Probably. She tells him that Toby and Charlie are in the joint for giving a guy a tune-up. She more or less explains what happened as they walk toward the stage. They run into Josh, and Debbie wanders back to that nice suburb just outside of Mandyville, where she, Bonnie and Ginger are sharing an apartment. They hope to get their own show, soon. (It'll be called Making It!...the story of two young career women who hook up with a crusty older woman who was forced into and then back out of early retirement by adverse financial circumstances, and the wacky hijinx they get up to sharing an apartment...) Josh tells POTUS that Toby and Charlie are not going be a problem; C.J.'s taking care of it. Jed: "Really?" Josh admits that it's going to be a little bit of a problem. Jed gripes, "Every time we come to southern California we are absolutely the Clampetts!" And you're even named Jed. With a daughter named Ellie. And Abby calls you "Jethro." Weird. Josh leaps to another topic, namely his gripes with Scott Holcomb; he says that Scott's given up on Sam and is running his own agenda. Josh says he can't leave with the tax proposal coming out, but Toby can. Josh alleges that Will's put together a top-flight staff that can handle the paper for the week. Apparently, if "the paper" consists of the backup vocals to "Addicted to Love." Josh adds, "And I suppose it's worth mentioning that Toby probably can't leave the state anyway. Now, as the leader of this party..." POTUS says that you really don't want to shake up a campaign like this at this stage of the election calendar. Josh points out the way Sam's numbers are going, he's "amazed he's kept a veneer of sanity, much less..."
Just then, Sam comes storming toward them asking, "Are you crazy? Have you all lost your minds?" He says he just assumed the tax plan wasn't ready yet: "It's ready now, isn't it?" Josh admits it is. Sam: "You are missing news cycle, after news cycle, after news cycle. But you didn't announce, 'cause you didn't want to do it from Orange County!" Josh: "Would you?" Sam: "Yes! I say to hell with the election. There's a guy in St. Louis making $55,000 a year trying to send his kid to Notre Dame!" Off to the side, POTUS tells them that they need to keep their voices down a little. Yes, I guess you would know about that now, wouldn't you? Sam tells Josh, "If I'm going to lose, I'd like to lose doing something." In the background, Sam is being introduced as the Representative from the California 47th, so he walks out onto the stage and waves. He tells the audience that POTUS is backstage and will be out in a minute. He mentions that POTUS is monitoring the situation in Kundu, adding, "But I wanted to say that yesterday the Republicans rolled out their tax plan. Do not let this President off the stage until he's told you his." Wow, way to screw yourself, Sam. But I admire your integrity. Always have. You do Lord Baden-Powell proud. Scott's arrived backstage and is standing to POTUS as Sam says, "Send me to Congress, and mine will be the first 'yea' vote cast." Wild applause. Scott: "He didn't just say that. He did not just say that." POTUS asks Scott why he's putting Sam to business. Scott says that Jed can read the numbers as well as anyone, and that Webb's going to win. But he doesn't see any point in burning the DNC's bridges. Jed tells Josh, "Tell Toby to take over the campaign." Scott walks away, saying, "You're going to get creamed." Josh makes a somewhat constipated face at Scott as the guy walks away.
Nearby, some young military guy hands a cell phone to Debbie, saying it's Leo. She brings it to Jed. Jed tells Leo he just fired Scott Holcomb, and that Toby and Charlie are meeting with a bail bondsman right now and Toby has to come off the payroll for a week. Leo doesn't react to any of that; he's got a bigger problem for him. He's calling from the Sit Room; Fitz is at his side. He tells Jed that two Marine Lance Corporals and a PFC have been taken. They were patrolling Bitanga Airport in a Humvee and fifty guys came out of nowhere. Leo says that Special Ops wants to brief him on some rescue scenarios. Jed says they're coming home. Leo tells Jed about Nzele's demands. Jed says, "Tell Ghana to tell Nzele he's got nine hours and twenty minutes before I take him." Nancy tells Jed that Sam's about to introduce him. Jed waits, standing near the military guy who brought the phone in earlier. He asks the fellow, "Lieutenant, how old are you?" He says he's twenty-two. He looks about fourteen, though. Jed nods and then walks onstage in response to Sam's introduction, quietly saying, "Let's go." He walks out, waving to the crowd.
Supposedly, Rob Lowe's last show is week, and I'm not writing that recap. ["Djb is." -- Wing Chun] So I'll just say goodbye to Sam now, even though I highly doubt he reads these recaps. I enjoyed you, I'll miss you, and I wish you well, bud. I know I ragged on your hair a lot, but you didn't give me much else to complain about. Sam Seaborn, we hardly knew ye.