I almost forgot to hit "record" on the VCR because Johanna and I were so busy ranting about what an ass Dawson is. Luckily, disaster was averted, so I can tell you that previously on The West Wing, C.J. yelled at Danny, the Prez got excited about campaign finance reform, and C.J. yelled at Sam.
Shouldn't it be "damned lies," rather than "damn lies"? It would look better on the title card that way, too. ["Yes, it should, and yes, it would." -- deborah] It's just my luck that the first voice we hear is Donna's. She tells Josh they should start the poll because it's 7:05. Josh says it's ten to seven, as we see a clock confirming Donna's statement. Josh complains that his watch reads ten to seven, so Donna says, "Your watch sucks." Or perhaps the person who set it does. She goes on to say that the large clocks on the wall, which are run by the U.S. Navy, say that it's 7:05, and that Josh's watch "sucks in four different time zones."
At this point, I'd be grateful if we cut to Mandy, but we actually get Toby and C.J., so I'm even happier. They're arguing too, but in a much more entertaining way. Toby complains, "Question six is asymmetrical." C.J. says it's fine, so Toby reads it: "Would you say that things in this country are going in the right direction, or do you think they've gotten off on the wrong track?" Josh leans in the doorway and says Toby has a point. He does, of course, and yes, I believe that is a real poll question, because I've noticed that in news stories and it bugged me too. Donna interrupts to repeat that it's five after seven. Toby says, "It should be right direction or wrong direction. Track and direction are two different words!" ["Toby's right. As usual." -- deborah] C.J. leaves the room, grumbling, "Thank you, Funk & Wagnall's."
As they all trail after C.J., Donna keeps announcing the time, and Toby insists that the question is asymmetrical. C.J. finally says, "The question originated two decades ago, and has proven to be a consistent predictor of the voters' potential behavior, so it stays the way it is." Josh has a problem with question fourteen, which reads, "When making policy decisions, do you think that President Bartlet puts the needs of average people first?" Josh says that "average people" is a pejorative phrase. C.J. stops to put Josh in his place, explaining, "Eighty percent of the people in this country would use the word 'average' to describe themselves. They do not find the term deprecating. Indeed, being considered an average American is something they find to be positive and comforting." Leo calls her into the conference room before she can add, "Put that in your pipe and smoke it." Leo's complaint is with, "Jed Bartlet cares about people like me. Agree or disagree?" Before he can clarify what he doesn't like about that question, Toby brings up question six again, and asks C.J., "Since when are you an expert on language?" C.J. asks, "In polling models?" Toby begins to realize he may have gone too far, as C.J. continues, "1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?" "Before that," Toby responds. Leo wonders if the phrase "people like me" could be interpreted as meaning people like the interviewer. A polling flunky explains, "When we ask that question, we usually say 'people like yourself.'" Leo and the flunkies all start discussing whether "people like you" would be better, faster, stronger, etc. An exasperated C.J. declares, "The respondent isn't confused by the question, and separating the respondent from the interviewer with 'people like yourself' is pejorative, so Ed, Larry, you can take this up with Josh. Leo, Eastern Standard Time is sitting down to dinner. The poll is fine." Josh says the poll is important, and C.J. says that she knows, "But if we don't start the phone banks right now I'm not gonna have enough time to leak the internals to media outlets before we hit the weekend. So, it turns out that over the last three weeks we've managed to climb out of the hole, only we can't tell anybody about it till Monday because we stood here all night arguing about asymmetry! It's time!" Leo asks for predictions. The flunkies say that they'll keep their 42% job approval rating. Josh says, "I'll be happy if we hold steady." Toby thinks they'll drop a few points, but within the margin of error. Leo asks for C.J.'s opinion, and she sighs before saying, "We're gonna go up five points." Leo says that the Prez thinks they'll remain at 42%. C.J. says, "The President is wrong." Leo tells Toby to tell Sam to tell the interviewers to start making calls. Thus, the chain of command. Sam answers a phone in a yucky brick room full of phone banks, while Mandy stands nearby. After hanging up, Sam tells Mandy, "Let's get our report card." Mandy trots into the phone center and says, "Okay, here we go!" Credits, at long last.
It's Monday night, "three hours into polling." Which ought to make it 10:05, if you've been paying attention. Sam steps into the room and Bonnie asks, "How's it going in there?" Sam answers, "I popped Mandy with my tranquilizer gun," earning the thanks of a grateful nation. ["But what in God's name took them so long?" -- deborah] Ginger asks why polling takes forty-eight hours. Sam says they need fifteen hundred responses, and explains, "It takes them about twelve hours to make fifteen hundred calls; we need fifteen hundred responses, which means we need to make six thousand calls." What a crappy response rate. Toby appears, and pulls Sam along in his wake as he enters his office. Toby says that the George Washington Law School graduation is tomorrow and asks, "Were you gonna go see your friend?" Sam says he wishes Toby would call her "Laurie," and confirms that he is going to the graduation. Toby says that Sam can't go. Sam says, "Okay." Toby reminds the audience that Onorato knows about Sam's friendship with Laurie and is waiting for the right moment "to use it to embarrass us." Sam grumbles, "Biggest day of her life. Huge day. She put herself through law school, and I know that there are people in South Carolina who don't like how she did it --" Toby interrupts, "Not just South Carolina." Sam retorts, "Then in both Carolinas, Toby, though I've never understood what the hell business it is --" Toby repeats that Sam can't go to the graduation. Sam says he won't, and leaves.
Margaret enters Leo's office, and Leo immediately asks, "Is he here?" She nods, and starts to leave, but Leo calls her back. He says, "Wait in here for a minute, then go back out and send him in." Margaret wants to know why he wants her to do that, but Leo does not provide an answer beyond, "Because I do." She waits uncomfortably while Leo does paperwork. After a minute she starts complaining about how it feels weird to stand there doing nothing. Funny, Donna never seems to mind. ["Then again, neither does Josh." -- deborah] Leo finally lets her go show his visitor into the office. He greets the nebbish who enters as "Barry Haskel" and asks if he's been to the White House before. Haskel admits that it's his first visit to the West Wing. Leo asks ruefully, "You've been on the Federal Election Commission for nine years and no one's ever invited you to the White House?" Haskel chatters about Christmas parties and the Vice-President stopping in, and how nice that was. As Haskel takes a seat, Leo explains that he wanted to discuss campaign finance reform. Haskel says he figured that, and asks for a glass of fruit juice. Leo determines that Haskel is a little nervous. Haskel explains, "You walk by a dress Marine when you come in here." Leo says that the Marine is named Rodney, and shouts for him. A door opens, and Rodney appears. Leo asks, "Could you do that thing you did before?" as Haskel makes "please don't bother on my account" hand gestures. Rodney does some, uh, stuff, with his rifle. Parade ground stuff. You know. Hey, my esoteric knowledge has limits. Rodney finishes his show and is dismissed. Leo tells Haskel that he shouldn't be nervous because "we know you're one of us." I'd be creeped out if someone said that to me. Even if it was true. He explains that everyone believes that the four current members of the FEC are against campaign finance reform, but that Haskel isn't. Haskel denies it, but Leo goes on, "You said so to the Newark Star-Ledger on March 13, 1995: 'Money isn't speech.' And you said so two years before that to the Detroit Free Press: 'We must reverse the 1978 regulatory decision allowing soft money.'" Haskel complains that his comments were made on the condition of anonymity. Leo sympathizes, "I went to drug rehab on the condition of anonymity. Maybe you read about it in the papers?" Leo repeats his "one of us" chant (TM Tod Browning) and adds, "You've been outed." Haskel says, "Being outnumbered five to one on the FEC, it never made much sense to me to swim against the grain." It's a shame Toby's not around to correct that mixed metaphor. ["It's always a shame when Toby's not around." -- deborah] Haskel chuckles about how his wife and her friends said that this is what would happen, "That you were gonna use the trappings of the White House, that there was going to be a sort of, um, intimidation!" Leo says that he's not trying to intimidate Haskel because after all, he's one of them. He adds, "You were wandering for years in the darkness, but we came and found you! And welcome back to the pack." Haskel mentions that he's heard of people getting "lightheaded and star-struck" when visiting the White House, and Leo jumps up and offers to give him a little tour. Haskel sighs and says he just wants a glass of water. "No problem," says Leo, "we keep it in here," and opens the door to the Oval Office.
The Prez is having cocktails with three other members of the Old Boy's Club. Leo introduces Haskel, and the Prez introduces his companions as the Secretary of the Treasury, the Attorney General, and the CIA Director. The Prez swoops in to shake Haskel's hand and, his charm cranked up to toxic levels, says, "I understand you're thinking about helping us out. That makes me so happy." While Haskel nervously agrees to have a drink, the Prez steps into the doorway for a quick word with Leo. "This could all be for nothing," the Prez whispers. Leo tells him that they're three hours into polling, in case the Prez didn't notice the giant caption that was draped across his lawn earlier. The Prez asks if the staff made any predictions. Leo says, "They think we're gonna hold at forty-two." The Prez says that it could be worse, "Because if these numbers keep going down, I'm just a guy with Barry Haskel in his office." ["Well, go ahead and haze him anyway." -- deborah] Leo says he'll come back in ten minutes. The Prez asks, "A dress Marine guarding your door?" "Too showy?" Leo asks. The Prez shrugs and explains, "My thing is, what's he supposed to be guarding right now?" before heading back into his office.
Laurie is studying at what I'm going to assume is George Washington's law library, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. At least, she's trying to study, but her friend Janeane is bugging her. Janeane says, "You're graduating tomorrow, and yet you're in a library studying." Laurie says she is studying for her bar exam, and asks for ten more minutes. Then her cell phone rings. She answers it, and Sam asks if she's at the library. "It's you," Laurie coos. Before Sam can break the news, Laurie says, "You can't come tomorrow." Sam confirms that he can't be there, explains about Onorato, and Laurie says that she understands. She adds, "Baby, don't guilt yourself over this. I know you'll be thinking about me." Sam agrees that he will, and they hang up. Janeane tries to cheer Laurie up by saying, "It's your week!" and they giggle. Her week? My graduation only took a day.
The ads take us to Tuesday morning, "13 hours into polling." 8:05 AM, in other words. Sam enters the office and asks Bonnie, "You know what's fun? The Potomac in the morning. Jogging around the Potomac, or sculling?" He accepts a cup of coffee as they ask if he went jogging or sculling, and answers, "No, I was sitting on a bench, having a bagel, but from where I was both jogging and sculling looked good to me." Toby pops out and tells Bonnie to arrange a meeting with Ross Kassenbach as soon as possible. As she leaves, he adds, "I need the two minutes the President's got." Sam, surprised, asks, "You found one?" Toby says he did, and with a satisfied grin, says, "Ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia." Sam questions whether this is a real country, commenting that it "Sounds like a place that the Marx Brothers would --" No, Sam, that was "Freedonia." Toby insists that it is a real country. Bonnie returns to tell Toby, "You've got two minutes in about two minutes." Toby tells Sam to join him as he hurries off.
The Prez is arguing with C.J. as they walk to the Oval Office. "Based on what is he making that claim?" the Prez barks. C.J. says something about a memo before the Prez goes on, "We've been out there for three weeks. Crossfire, Meet the Press, Charlie Rose, The Today Show, The Tonight Show, Good Morning, Scottsdale." C.J. tries vainly to interrupt as he continues, "Time, Newsweek, Popular Mechanics. We've been out there saying, we're not talking about legalization, we are talking about treatment." As the Prez finally pauses for breath, C.J. explains, "There's a memo. It's the same memo that's been generated by every administration for thirty years." The Prez asks how C.J. wants to deal with it, and C.J. answers, "By saying it's the same [memo] that's been generated by every administration for thirty years." Toby and Sam enter, and the Prez complains to them that Onorato is saying that the White House wants to legalize drugs. Sam says that it's the same memo that's been generated by every administration for thirty years. Toby tells C.J., "That's exactly what you should say." Instead of screaming in frustration, which is what I would do, C.J. just thanks Toby. The Prez changes the subject, and tells them, "Leo was in here last night. He said you guys predicted [that] we'd hold steady at forty-two. Were you just being optimistic, or [do] you really think we held our ground?" Toby says he thought they might lose a couple of points, Sam insists that they remained steady. C.J., bless her heart, steps forward and declares, "I didn't say we'd hold steady at forty-two, Mr. President. I said we'd gain five points." The Prez blinks, and asks, "Anybody want to offer C.J. the odds?" No one does, so he directs her to tell the press about how the memo has been the same for thirty years, and off she goes.
The Prez asks Toby what he's found, and Toby announces "The Federated States of Micronesia." Sam adds, "Toby says it's a country." The Prez is delighted to have an opportunity to trot out some trivia this early in the day: "It's actually six hundred and seven small islands in the South Pacific. Interestingly, while its total land mass is only two hundred and seventy square miles, it occupies more than a million square miles of the Pacific Ocean. Population's one hundred and twenty-seven thousand, and the U.S. Embassy is located in the state of Pohnpei, and not, as many people believe, on the island of Yap." Toby ponders this, and finally asks, "Why would a person have that kind of information at their disposal?" The Prez looks up slyly and answers, "Parties." The Prez says that he considered the Federated States of Micronesia, but he can't fire their ambassador there. Toby asks why not, and the Prez says, "Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him, and I'm not going to be able to come up with the answer." Sam says, "You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're gonna promote him." The Prez asks what the promotion is, and Sam says, "Ambassador to Paraguay." Sam goes on to explain that the current Ambassador to Paraguay will become the new Ambassador to Bulgaria. The Prez says, "I like this! Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home!" Apparently not, though, because Sam says that the Bulgarian Ambassador is having an affair with the Prime Minister's daughter. The Prez identifies the Bulgarian Ambassador as Ken Cochran, and Sam asks if the Prez knows Cochran. "I know his wife," the Prez says. Sam, speaking for us all, says, "Ouch." The Prez says he can fire Cochran, but he doesn't want it to because of the affair. Toby says, "We can create legitimate grounds for incompetence." The Prez says, "It looks to me like there are legitimate grounds for incompetence, but... come up with different ones, would you?" Toby and Sam head off to play shuffle the ambassadors while the Prez calls for Charlie. Charlie enters, and the Prez asks Charlie to arrange for Ambassador Cochran to fly in for a meeting tomorrow. Charlie asks if the ambassador's name is Ken Cochran. The Prez says that it is, and asks if Charlie knows him. Charlie says he doesn't, and leaves.
As C.J. leaves the press room, Fishboy follows sniffing, "There wasn't, I don't think, any huge reason to snap at me." C.J. says his question was ridiculous, and that he knows the White House is not defending drug users. Danny says, "I don't count on everybody always understanding what the hell comes out of your mouth when I can't even do it half the time." Apparently Fishboy thinks that the best way to smooth over things with C.J. is to insult her. Unfortunately, my eyes are sore from all the eyerolling I did at Dawson earlier this evening, so I can't express my opinion of Fishboy's decision to smooth things over with C.J. by insulting her further. ["Aw, shucks, that means I'll have to do it. And I so hate complaining about Danny."-- deborah] C.J asks if he thinks he was just helping out by clarifying her points for her. He says he was, and then says, "You can't stay pissed at me forever." "Let's find out," C.J. suggests. Fishboy says that the Mandy memo is old news, and nobody's talking about it any more, so she shouldn't keep punishing him about it. C.J. drags Fishboy into her office and closes the door. Then she explains, "They talk about it here." He asks if they blame her, and C.J. says, "They don't say it," but agrees that they do. Fishboy asks, "And you think you've let them down?" A secretary pokes her head in to tell C.J. that she's late for a briefing. Fishboy leaves, and C.J. asks her secretary to call the phone banks and see how polling is coming along.
It's now twenty-seven hours into polling, making it 10:05 on Tuesday night. Margaret enters Leo's office and tells him that C.J. is outside. Then she asks if Leo would like to hear a joke. Leo, startled, says he would. Margaret says, "You know why they only eat one egg for breakfast in France?" Leo does not. She says, "Because in France, one egg is an oeuf." I took Spanish, but I think I can assume that "oeuf" is French for egg. ["Yes, indeed." -- deborah] And "an oeuf" sounds like "enough." See? Yeah, still not funny. ["Professor Frink thought so." -- deborah] Margaret leaves, and C.J. comes in to announce, "The lid is on." Leo says that C.J. told him that when she called an hour ago. C.J. says she wants to check in on the poll, then hesitantly says, "This is a small thing, and I hate to bring it up." She explains, "I was in with the President this morning, and he mentioned that you told him that when you asked for predictions, everyone said we'd hold steady at forty-two. But I didn't say that. I said we'd go up five points." Leo says he was speaking in general, "like lopping off the score from the East German judge." ["Geez, that's pretty harsh." -- deborah] It's the "Beat up on C.J. show" tonight. C.J. says that she thinks it's strange, and Leo tells her not to read too much into it.
The captioning plastered across Mandy informs us that the phone banks are at the "National Strategies Group," for whatever that's worth. Josh and Joey are continuing to argue in the background, as Josh tries to quote Teddy Roosevelt. Joey insists that the Republicans won't put English as an official language on the table. Josh quotes Teddy: "We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language, for we intend to see that the crucible turns our people out as Americans, and not as dwellers in a polyglot boarding house." Chaos ensues when Kenny asks what "polyglot" means, Josh defines it to Joey, and Joey says she knows what it means but Kenny didn't. Mandy, sounding near hysterics, asks, "Would the two of you shut up? Or the three of you? How ever many of you are talking, could half of you stop?" Josh explains that Mandy is "wound a little tight during polling windows." ["Not only then." -- deborah] C.J. steps into the room and demands, "What are you all doing here?" Josh comments, "Here's another laid-back member of our team." C.J. repeats her question, and Josh says, "Mandy's here because she's supposed to be. Joey's here because Al Kiefer asked her to stop by." C.J. asks why Josh is there, and he claims, "I'm kinda in charge of morale." C.J. tells Josh that she can't have him there "distracting the female callers." Instantly, Josh steps forward and shouts out, "Have I been distracting the female callers?" When they shout back, "No," he asks, "Not even a little bit?" C.J. grumbles, Josh says that they are making their quotas, and then he decides to go get coffee for everyone. On his way out the door he stops and tells Joey, "And you should have been more impressed that I was able to quote Theodore Roosevelt." Joey says, "I was impressed that you knew what 'polyglot' meant." From the doorway, Josh fires back, "Seven fifty SAT word, baby." I think he means "verbal," not "word." Which causes me to question the rest of his statement. Maybe that was his combined score.
Laurie and Janeane wander drunkenly down the streets of Georgetown. Sam steps out and declares that they are both drunk and disorderly. Janeane says, "Surprise!" and Sam explains to Laurie, "We worked in cahoots." Janeane excuses herself and enters the house they're standing in front of. Laurie asks, "What'd you get me?" Sam says he has a graduation present for her, and Laurie asks if it's a briefcase. Then her face falls, and she wonders, "Did I just ruin it? I only asked because a briefcase is the typical law school graduation gift, and when I say 'typical,' I don't mean boring, I just mean basic, and when I say 'basic,' I don't mean boring either." Sam hands her a small box, and she opens it to find a pen. Sam says, "It writes upside down, and you can use that pen in outer space!" Laurie laughs, closes the box, and asks, "Where's my present?" Look who's mighty sure of herself? Although Sam's probably not that hard to read, to be fair. Sure enough, Sam pulls out a briefcase, and then congratulates her and gives her a hug. Cut to camera-lens-view as someone takes photos of the couple embracing. Sam says he should go, and asks Laurie if she is staying with Janeane tonight. A car starts up across the street, and Sam turns to look as it squeals away with a great lack of subtlety. Sam turns back to Laurie and asks, "Did you see anybody get in that car?" They stare down the empty street as we fade to commercial. ["Sam needs a naïvetectomy. I made that word up just for him." -- deborah]
Thirty six hours into polling makes it 7:05 Wednesday morning. At this point I realize that they're never going to show a clock so I can catch them in a screw-up, but I'm committed to keeping track now.
Toby tells Sam, "He's ready to see us." As they head for the Oval Office, Sam says that he's drafted a letter of resignation. Toby says, "Well, you're not going to give it to him, Sam, because that would deny me the pleasure of throwing you out through a plate-glass window." Sam says Toby has every right to say that, while remaining silent on whether Toby has the right to do it. Toby says, "Thank you for acknowledging that right. I should keep you on a leash, you know that?" Leo passes by and tells Sam, "I'm talking to C.J., then I'm talking to you!" Toby continues, "Ten foot chain around your neck, I bolt you to your desk, I have someone come in and feed you."
C.J. is on the phone clarifying some economic point when Leo enters and slams the door shut. As C.J. hangs up, Leo demands, "How do you not tell me until this morning? How do you not call me last night?" C.J. says that they didn't know anything last night, and that "He met the girl and saw a suspicious car. I'm not going to call up the White House Chief of Staff in the middle of the night because someone started a car." Leo tries to interrupt, but C.J. overpowers him as she says, "It took me three hours to confirm [that] there was a picture, and another hour to find out who has it." Maybe Leo's more upset because Sam appears to be two-timing his daughter with a call girl. Just a thought. Leo asks who has the photo, and C.J. says The London Daily Mirror has it: "They paid a waitress friend of hers fifty thousand dollars to set it up and confirm that she was a call girl." C.J. goes on to say that the Daily Mirror will run the photo later that day, and the American press will have it tomorrow. Leo tells C.J., "Work the Post and the Times." C.J. nods.
The Prez asks Sam, "You never paid this girl to have sex?" Sam says he didn't, and Toby adds, "They didn't have that kind of relationship, sir. Except once, and that time he didn't know what was happening." The Prez says that makes two of them. Toby softly says, "Sam has always been completely above-board about his relationship with Laurie." He continues, "The fact that she was putting herself through law school under circumstances that were less than good has to mean something, as does the fact that Sam's word is unimpeachable." Sam looks surprised to hear that. ["He does seem incapable of lying, or at least, doing so believably." -- deborah] The Prez asks if Toby is sticking up for Sam. Toby admits, "It's strange, sir, I know, but I'm feeling a sort of big-brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible." Aw. Toby goes on to say that there's no danger in standing by Sam and going after the people who set him up. The Prez tells Sam to spend the morning in the White House counsel's office making sure that he didn't break any laws. The Prez also tells Sam to call Laurie and tell her, "The White House deeply regrets the phenomenal inconvenience that she's about to experience." He suggests pointing out that she could sue the newspaper, and concludes, "You should tell her that if she passes her bar exam, the U.S. Attorney General will personally see to it that she's admitted to the bar. Tell her [that] the President of the United States says congratulations on getting your degree." Sam looks stunned, and thanks the Prez before heading out. Toby looks at the Prez, who says, "It's nice when we can do something for prostitutes once in a while, isn't it?" ["Maybe Jed actually will put Sam in charge of federal outreach to sex-trade workers." -- deborah] Toby agrees as Charlie enters to announce that Ambassador Cochran is in the mural room, and Ted Mitchel is outside. The Prez asks where "Lobell and his people" are, and Charlie says they're in the Roosevelt room. Toby steps out to meet Lobell's entourage, and the Prez asks Charlie to remind him who is in the mural room. When Charlie says, "Ken Cochran," the Prez looks up curiously. "When you said the name Cochran, it was like you knew him!" Charlie denies it, but the Prez keeps pressing him, insisting that he has "a finely honed sense" about these things. Charlie says that the Prez's sense is failing him this time, and the Prez asks Charlie to go join Cochran, and to send in Mitchel. Ted Mitchel enters and receives a big bear hug from the Prez. The Prez explains that he has to go into the room, and says, "Let me just tell you that I need a favor." He says that he wants Mitchel to hire Cochran, who's about to be fired from his position as Ambassador to Bulgaria. The Prez says, "He's a good man, a smart man, I think he'd make a very good corporate officer." Mitchel asks why Cochran is being fired, and the Prez explains, "Gross incompetence," before darting out the door.
The Prez enters the mural room and greets Cochran. Cochran asks what he can do for the Prez, and the Prez answers, "Resign." The Prez says he knows that Cochran is having an affair with the Prime Minister's daughter, so he has to resign. However, he goes on to explain that Mitchel is going to offer him a job with a bigger salary, and that can be his ostensible reason for resigning. Then the Prez jumps up to visit the Roosevelt room. As Charlie closes the doors, Cochran wipes his forehead and insists that "This is outrageous, and I'll explain that to him when he comes back in here." Charlie stares at him until Cochran asks if they've met before. Charlie says that they have, "I was a waiter at the Gramercy Club." Cochran laughs in recognition and says it's good to see him. After another moment of being stared at, Cochran announces, "I resigned my membership in that club, by the way." Charlie feigns interest. Cochran says, "I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant." Charlie says, "I couldn't help but notice that didn't stop you from joining up in the first place." Cochran waggles a finger and says, "That's out of line, and that shouldn't have been said, and you've forgotten that you're addressing a U.S. Ambassador." ["Not anymore, bub." -- deborah] Charlie smirks and says, "I apologize, sir." Cochran isn't satisfied, and asks to speak to Charlie's supervisor. Charlie, puzzled, explains, "Well, I'm personal aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now looking for a back door to this place to shove you out of. But I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint." The Prez strolls back in, and Cochran declares, "Clearly, this young man who works for you has told you something about our past, and just let me say, here and now --" The Prez interrupts to say that it has nothing to do with their past, and then suddenly says, "Wait a second, you two have a past?" He berates Charlie: "You mocked my finely honed sense!" Charlie admits that he did. The Prez turns back to Cochran and says that Mitchel will put him on the Board of Directors, adding, "Please remember that I have a lot of affection for your wife, and I would hate to see her be made a fool of." Cochran says he would like to make a confession: "I never voted for you." The Prez raises his eyebrows and responds, "Thanks for trying, but here I am anyway." And with that, he goes on his impish way. ["You gotta love Jed." -- deborah]
The Prez and Toby enter the Roosevelt room and meet Lobell and company. The Prez asks if Lobell knows what they're meeting about, and Lobell says they're going to talk about soft money. The Prez says they'll do more than talk about it.
The Prez: We agree on nothing, Max.
Lobell: Yes, sir.
The Prez: Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes. You name it, we disagree.
Lobell: You know why?
The Prez: 'Cause I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead, communist.
Lobell: Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck, son of a bitch.
The Prez: Yes, you are.
Lobell: We agree on that.
The Prez: We also agree on campaign finance.
Lobell: Yes, sir.
The Prez: So, Max, let's work together on campaign finance.
Lobell says they don't have enough votes in the House. The Prez says he doesn't need them, and details his clever plan. All they need is four votes on the FEC to overturn the decision allowing soft money. He has two votes from Bacon and Calhoun, his new nominees, and they can count on Haskel as a third supporter. Lobell asks how they'll get the fourth seat, and the Prez says that Toby is going to take care of that. Then the Prez asks if Lobell will support his two nominees to the FEC. Lobell looks around and asks, "And what do I get in exchange?" The Prez answers, "The thanks of a grateful President." Lobell smiles slightly and says, "Good answer, sir." The Prez tells Toby to go as he and Lobell shake hands.
Toby introduces himself to Mr. Kassenbach, who is waiting outside his office. As they step inside, Toby says, "The President thinks you've done an excellent job on the Federal Election Commission, and would like to extend his warmest congratulations." Kassenbach asks, "On what?" Toby answers, "Being named the ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia."
It's Wednesday night, and polling is complete. So saith the captions. C.J. is staring out her window as Josh steps into her office to announce, "It's in." C.J. says, "They've sealed it in an envelope, [and] sent it by courier." Josh says that Joey talked to C.J., and that "She said, you think you only have so many times left you can walk into the Oval Office and sing a song." C.J. is confused. ["Maybe they mean 'The Jackal.'" -- deborah] Josh explains, "That's what I thought she said. I'm trying to pick up some sign, and right now we're doing it by letters of the alphabet. So I had Kenny come over and interpret it, and it turns out she said, you think you only have so many times left you can come into the Oval Office and say, 'I'm wrong.'" Josh reassures C.J., "These last three weeks, the media strategy was yours," and adds that she shouldn't expect a five point gain in the polls. C.J. says, "I do expect it." Josh tells her that the Prez thinks of her as a daughter. C.J. says, "That's not a good enough reason to keep me here." Josh decides his work in boosting morale is done, and asks, "You'll come as soon as you get it?" C.J. says she will. Josh leaves.
Everyone but C.J. is waiting in the Oval Office. The Prez asks Toby, "Kassenbach was okay?" Toby says, "He's gonna be an ambassador; he feels pretty good." They discuss the many benefits of life in Micronesia and diplomatic immunity. Josh tells the Prez, "Joey and I have been working on a counter-argument to Alexis de Tocqueville." The Prez is surprised to hear that the White House is in a dispute with de Tocqueville. Joey begs the Prez not to encourage Josh. Too late. Josh says, "Joey, what say you to the position that, with ethnic warfare spreading around the globe, and particularly in eastern Europe, it's only a matter of time before it reaches our shores, and making English the official language of the United States will safeguard against the destruction of our national identity and help us avoid ethnic strife?" Joey's response is a raspberry. You have to admire someone who feels comfortable doing that in the Oval Office, in front of the President. Josh tells the Prez, "You see that? That's what I've been dealing with all week." Through Kenny, Joey says, "Mister President, seventy-two percent of Hispanics are strongly opposed to such a law. The Republicans will never put it on the table, because they'll risk losing the second-largest ethnic bloc of voters in the country." Mandy thinks, "Why didn't I get to make good points like that, back when I got to have dialogue?" Joey continues, "If you did need a counter-argument, then I'd mention to Monsieur de Tocqueville over here that, aside from being bigoted and unconstitutional, it's ludicrous to think that laws need to be created to help protect the language of Shakespeare." Josh tries to save face by saying, "That's all I was looking for, that one line. Took you four days." Another raspberry from Joey. After some more waiting, the Prez asks Sam what kind of briefcase he got Laurie. Sam says it was a "Coach Beekman in British Tan with brass hardware." The Prez, never at a loss for trivia, begins to discuss other fine briefcases. Toby observes, "This conversation is surreal." Finally, C.J. enters with the envelope. She tells the Prez that "the full polling book is four hundred pages long; it's still being put together. I have the top sheet results." Leo asks, "What does it say?" C.J. hesitates, and says, "I was wrong. We went up nine points." She smiles. Leo grins for a second, then pulls his face back into a more serious look. After savoring the moment, the Prez asks, "Okay, what's ?" Everyone begins chatting about the upcoming season finale, which features someone who "will take America's breath away." Dear NBC, We all know how overhyped your Law & Order ads are, so we don't believe anything you say now. Quit it. Love, Strega.