By Deborah
Shout-out to hughster.
Sunday, 11:34 PM. Hour 24. The camera's on the screeching tires of a big shiny black car as it pulls into a covered parking lot that's fairly deserted. The chauffeur parks, John Spencer gets out, and walks over to another car. He's got a secret meeting with a new agent he's hoping can somehow get him off this show and onto a better one before it turns into ER: DC. Whoops, too late. Leo meets with Angela Blake from New York, apologizing for the "Foggy Bottom theatrics." I had to keep getting up during this scene to turn up the sound (remote's broken), trying to hear the dialogue over all the background noise. I'm not sure why I bothered, because I think the sound people have been instructed to make everyone as hard as possible to hear, so we won't notice that the dialogue's become as thin and weak as a Bush administration excuse. Angela reminds me a bit of CCH Pounder. She tells him that Bartlet's approval rating is at 76\%, but in ten days, that will plummet. She explains that, right now, people are pulling for him because he lost his daughter, but in two weeks they'll be tired of pulling for the President. Leo points out the fine upstandingness of Bartlet's gesture. Angela knows that only plays for so long: "Our guy quit when things got tough." They discuss Josh's desire to poll. Angela says that the White House can't get caught polling. Leo just looks at her significantly until she grasps her secret mission. His face says, "You know what to do," but his eyes say, "Pleasepleaseplease get me out of here. I will pay you cash money." Angela will call Leo when it's done. She needs pictures of Bartlet on the phone with world leaders, looking resolute and Presidential. Leo says Bartlet won't do it. Angela tells Leo to stop with all the friendship and loyalty and get with the program of managing public perception. People need to believe when Bartlet comes back that he'll be able to govern the country even if he can't keep his own family safe: "They need to know he is willing to sacrifice his own child's life for his country." Leo: "Would you be?" Angela: "I wasn't stupid enough to run for President." Leo walks back to his car as Angela adds, "If she dies...his approval ratings go through the roof." See, there's always a silver lining. Leo regards that fact with seriousness as the music swells.
Monday, 6:00 AM. Weird overhead shot of Leo's office. He's sitting at his desk, ruminating. Hour 30. The camera drifts across his hand, and we see that Leo's still wearing his wedding ring. Leo looks very grave, indeed. Margaret busts in to announce that Secretary Berryhill's here. Leo tells her to wait two minutes and then bring in the Ambassador. In walks William Devane, and much as I try, he will always be Knots Landing's Greg Sumner to me. Devane either has a deal with devil, or he's had major work done, because he's aged about the same amount as Rob Lowe has over the last twenty years. Leo says, "Hi, Will." "Will"? Will Berryhill? Will, as in, we already have a major character on this show named "Will"? "Will" as in William Devane? How much energy did they expend naming this character? Seriously: look into acquiring and using a baby name book. Bookstores and libraries are full of 'em. Or hey, grab a phone book and flip through it. Offices are full of 'em. Berryhill asks when "it" starts. Leo's waiting for word from Funkmaster Funky Fitz. Berryhill: "Doesn't it remind you a little of the Japanese on December 7?" Leo can't believe Berryhill wants the U.S. to warn its enemies. Berryhill: "I didn't want us to do it in the first place." Here's as good a place as any to say: Way to go on including Elisabeth Moss's name in the credits. That didn't give anything away.
Margaret brings in the guy who must be the Qumari Ambassador. We don't get a name, but it's just as well, since most of the Arabic names they make up on this show are unconvincing. Isn't this a different guy than the one who played the Qumari Ambassador before? Oh, who can tell all those people apart, anyway. Nameless Qumari Official expresses the Crown Prince's outrage over the brutal assassination of Shareef (his cousin), in addition to his sadness over the events of the last two days. He asks that Leo convey their sympathy to the Bartlet family and tell them that all Qumaris are praying for them. Then NQO and Leo start arguing about whether Qumar is behind the abduction and threats, each side levelling the standard accusations and issuing the standard denials. Boy, one never gets tired of this. Frink and I have a little chuckle over Leo saying "mullahs," which he pronounces "moo-laws," as we also try to place the accent of the actor playing NQO. Margaret comes in with a note for Leo, while Berryhill tells NQO, "You can't expect us to stand idly by while so many of your citizens are intent on murdering our citizens." NQO doesn't think the assassination of Shareef qualifies as "standing idly by." Leo stands up and announces, "We're bombing the Kazir training camps in Tumar and Lani." NQO is taken aback and asks, "When?" Leo, blithely: "Now." He adds that they're following it up with ground forces to detain and interrogate suspected terrorists. NQO gets up and bitterly says, "Thank you for informing us in such a timely manner." Before he leaves, he adds that Qumar's is one of the only governments in the region that is friendly to the U.S.; he adds that Qumar is growing "younger, poorer, and more radical every day." He asks, "If you undermine us, who do you think will take our place?" Some other quasi-pseudo-Arab state with an incredibly bogus name? But that could take months to think up! Let me help you out: I'll just use my amazing Ronco Verbomatic. It chops, it slices, it dices, it juliennes! Here you go: Gibraq, Khaudia, Shoobedoobestan, Abu-Fajjyi... One more: Enoughistan. As NQO leaves, he says, "Please, tell the President I have a daughter, too."
Josh has the most annoying cell-phone ring tone ever. Five notes into it and I'm already screaming in my head, "Shut it off!" Frink snorts, "As if Josh would have such an irritating, unprofessional ring tone." He also points out that he thinks that's a Nokia ring tone, but that Josh's phone isn't a Nokia. ["I would also point out that Josh has the same cell-phone ring tone as Derek Zoolander." -- Wing Chun] Josh is sleeping on the couch in what I think is his office when he's disturbed by the phone. Once we realize it's Amy, I figure Josh must have programmed his phone to ring that way specially when she calls so that he can be braced. He claims to be awake and to have read the papers and showered. He asks her to hang on for a second, puts the phone down, puts his shoes on, and rubs his hands so vigorously through his hair that you think he was trying to scrub his scalp. His hairstyle doesn't change at all. Frink: "Man, he has the best hair for that." While the phone's on the table, you can just vaguely hear Amy nattering in the background. It's as if she never heard Josh ask her to hang on. Why can I hear just enough of a voice on a cell phone to ascertain it's Amy, but not half of the rest of the show?
Josh starts talking to Amy again as she apologizes for waking him up. As he opens his office door, he claims that he already went for a run. Naturally, she's standing there, talking to him on her phone. Amy, warmly and flirtatiously: "Nice track suit." Ew. Not these two again. It was tedious the first time around. What makes John Wells think it's going to go any better this time? ["The same perversity that makes him think Abby and Carter have white-hot chemistry?" -- Wing Chun] Amy actually looks very pretty here. She says Josh could have told her she woke him: "I wouldn't have thought less of you." She enters, and he says, "Sleeping is...lacks a certain masculine...whatever." Amy: "Your virility is tied to exhaustion?" Josh offers coffee; she brought some. Has Josh always had a coffee machine right in his office? I thought it was outside, near Donna's cubicle. Amy: "It's been a while, but I don't remember fatigue improving your..." Please, let's not have commentary on their sex life. He asks if she wants to go get something to eat in the Mess, but she's already brought food. Face it, Josh. There's no escape. She's thought of everything. Including what I thought was a pushup bra, but then someone on the forums reminded me that Mary-Louise Parker is pregnant. I guess that's why she looks less angular than usual. Josh wonders whether Amy has a freshly ironed shirt and a shower in her bag. How about a klieg light? You can't see squat on this show. Josh looks at the coffee Amy's brought him and asks, "Black?" At first, I think she says it's soy chai or whatever thing he drinks. First of all, Josh does not drink soy chai. Second, if he did, wouldn't he recognize it? I checked the closed captioning and what she says is that "that soy chai or whatever thing you drink is affecting your already addled brain." Whatever. To summarize: Josh does not drink soy chai. No, don't even try to spin that.
Amy asks Josh to stop staring at the TV and start staring at her newly puffy boobies. He asks if there's anything on Zoey. Apparently, the fatigue and soy chai have rendered him immune to her charms, such as they are. She asks whether he's seen the morning papers, and tells him they have a new Speaker: it's Haffley. Josh: "Oh, God, Haffley? He'll be passing out pelts and slabs of bison in the cloakroom." Amy says that apparently the GOP leadership is resuming its committee schedule tomorrow, whether Zoey's back or not. Josh: "Aside from adding to our nation's greenhouse gas problem, those committee hearings are meaningless." Amy has more good news: rumour has it that Steve Atwood has arranged for Walken to meet with Republicans today, minus any Democrats. Amy's trying to get Josh stirred up about the machinations of the current POTUS and his staff, but Josh is fixated on Haffley. Amy says that the Republicans are going to start legislating: "Partial birth, federal funding for family planning clinics..." Josh says that if Walken does anything by executive order, the Democrats will overturn it when Bartlet assumes office again. Amy: "A cheering thought to the women whose lives are ruined in the meantime." Josh admits they don't know when they'll be back. Amy: "If Walken's holding partisan pep rallies in the West Wing, leak it." Amy's phone or pager beeps, she reads the message on the screen and says, "Oh, God," and then turns to look at the TV, where viewers are being advised to stay tuned for breaking news from the White House.
Toby and Andi are at the hospital in some sort of bright yellow general waiting area, each holding one of the twins. I wouldn't think they'd have parents and their newborns hanging out in a common area, what with the germphobia that usually attends situations involving infants. Andi tells Toby, "You look good with a baby in your arms." Toby says that, actually, his arm's asleep. He gets up and walks around with Huck. Andi apologizes for what she said on Saturday. She says it's a beautiful house. I thought she was apologizing for all the hurtful things she said, not for rejecting the dream house. Toby wants her to have it anyway, for the kids. He doesn't want it. Which means I get it. Yay! He says she can't raise twins in a one-bedroom condo. Yeah, that's a really substandard upbringing. Andi softly says that she found a house on D Street. I guess she didn't get around to telling him that on Saturday, because obviously, she didn't do it after her water broke. Toby just looks resigned. Andi glances at the TV and asks, "Has something happened?" Why, yes! The voices and personalities of all the characters on this show have been abducted. Alert the FBI. Toby walks over to the TV where other patients are watching C.J. hold a press briefing.
C.J. announces that the U.S. has bombed three terrorist training camps in Qumar. We see Jed (wearing a short-sleeved, button-front shirt and looking not entirely comfortable in it) sitting on a couch, taking in the news. Abby's sitting in the room, too, though nowhere near Jed, and he glances at her. She doesn't look at him; she just looks resigned. As C.J. says that the mission has been completed, we see a shot of his other two daughters and Doug the son-in-law there in the room, too. What in God's name is the point of paying all these expensive actors to sit around and do absolutely nothing? They've got no lines or the thing to it; they have nothing to do; they barely react or emote. I really don't understand. Mind you, if the dialogue's going to be as weak and crappy as it was last week, it's just as well if people don't talk. But if people don't talk on this show, the talkiest damn show on TV, and they don't do anything...what the hell are we all doing here? Just making sure there's a good balance of carbon dioxide and oxygen in the room? We get a shot of the Sit Room, where Leo's watching the briefing. A reporter asks C.J. if Qumar is helping the U.S. bomb its training camps. No, really. C.J. explains that Ambassador Umar Yusef was notified about the mission, but that Qumar is not participating. Another reporter asks whether there's concern that the bombing may provoke the kidnappers to kill or otherwise harm Zoey. Oh, heavens no. That hasn't crossed anyone's mind. Cut back to the Residence, and a shot of Abby looking drained and swallowing hard. She gets up and leaves the room without a word. C.J. says she doesn't speak on behalf of the kidnappers, so she can't say what they'll do. Elizabeth gets up and follows her mother without a word. Somehow, Doug vanishes from the room, leaving Ellie there with Jed. She just gets up and exits through another door. Jed sits there looking grim. I wish I were making this up.
Monday, 7:30 AM. Hour 32. Donna has 132 messages for Josh. He suspects that half of them are from callers wanting him to change his long-distance supplier. Donna says there'd be just as many faxes if they had a fax, which they don't, because the FBI took it after the ransom note came through. Good golly, why? What do they hope to learn from the fax machine? He tells her they're not returning all those calls and to see if Leo's around. He goes into his office, where Jesse Bradford (Cliff from Bring It On and the star of Swimfan) is relaxing in a chair. ["I used to think he was so cute, but now he's all doughy." -- Wing Chun] Josh reflexively says hi; his visitor replies in kind. They just stare at each other, and then Josh comes out and tells Donna that there's a guy in his office. She says it's Ryan, who claims he works for Josh. Oh, this storyline is so tedious and pointless, let me just save some time here so we can get to the exciting climax: neither Josh nor Donna seems to know that Leo's hired an intern for Josh, who is this guy, Ryan Pierce. Ryan's a preppy Harvard grad with more in the way of money and connections than wit end energy. Donna worries that this guy has been brought in to usurp her somehow. Josh and Ryan have a tiresome little "who are you" thing that goes on too long. Josh is supposed to be one of the brightest political minds in the land and he can't figure out this kid's possibly an intern? This kid graduated Harvard and has landed a White House internship to said political mind, but he can't explain himself any better than the kid in the grocery store last night who, when I asked for dried figs for a tagine I'm making, wasn't entirely clear on what figs were, and proceeded to advise me that they'd be in the "Dried Section." Donna natters, and Josh marches off to Leo's office.
Josh runs into C.J. in the hallway. He asks if she gets the feeling that she doesn't have any idea what the hell's going on around here anymore. She just asks, "What?" Man, that's sad. Even in a national crisis, the old C.J. would have had a snappy reply to a question like that. Josh asks if C.J.'s heard any of these rumours about Atwood pushing the Republican agenda. She hasn't. She splits. My God, the 2004 Emmys are almost a year off, but already I can hear voters scratching a write-in category for the round of voting: "Most Criminal Waste Of An Astonishingly Talented Ensemble."
Josh walks into Toby's office blathering about the Republicans coming back. Toby's leaning his head on his left hand, and supporting his chin with his right, and looking sadly up at Josh. It's not a big stretch to imagine his face morphing into The Scream. Josh asks whether Leo's been invited to join these meetings, or if Toby has. Toby says nothing. Toby blinks. This is ridiculous. This is painful. I suppose it's better than putting ludicrously ignorant and reactionary lines in his mouth, but not by much. Josh rants about all the issues the Republicans might start legislating. Toby asks if Josh got any sleep last night. I think Toby might turn into Fred MacMurray if someone's not careful. Will comes in to dis Haffley. Toby tells Josh that the Democrats can filibuster in the Senate. Josh: "Not on partial births or tax cuts." Josh takes off for Leo's office. Toby chases after him, handing Will a speech as he goes, saying, "Can you read this? I'll be right back." As he hands it to Will, Toby makes a face like the one I'm sure Richard Schiff made when he was handed this script. I'll call it his "what is this shit?" face.
Josh natters and frets and projects all the way to Leo's office. Toby eggs him on a bit. Josh says he's not being paranoid. They reach Leo's office and more or less bypass Margaret. Josh asks if Leo has a minute. Leo tells him, "Not really." Josh spills his concerns about the Republicans legislating issues the Democrats can't filibuster and ramming them through. Leo: "They won't." Josh says that the Republicans are meeting secretly again today. Leo says it wasn't secret yesterday. Josh continues, "To plot a strategy..." Leo tells Josh this isn't the grassy knoll. Josh keeps on, and Leo asks Toby, who's just standing there with his arms crossed, "You been drinking his Kool-Aid?" No response. Josh ratchets it up another notch and insists, "We need to leak it to the press that the GOP are conspiring to use the cover of a national crisis to impose a radical right-wing agenda!" Josh suggests that Bartlet get himself back into office, nominate a strong VP, and then, if necessary, recuse himself again with a Democratic VP to take his place. Leo: "Go through all this again?" Josh: "We should at least take it to the Pres..." Leo snaps, "Dammit, Josh. The man's child is missing, probably dead. He doesn't give a damn about politics right now." Josh says that's why they have to. Leo asks where they are on a new VPOTUS. Josh feebly claims to be working on it. Leo: "I want three names on my desk by 7:00 AM tomorrow." Josh starts to leave and then wants to talk about Ryan. Leo says he's Josh's new intern. Josh thought they decided he wouldn't have any more interns. Leo: "No. You decided." Margaret comes to the door as Josh wonders, "Pierce? Is he a Pierce Pierce?" He is. Margaret tells Leo, "They're ready for you."
Toby walks with Leo, saying that Josh might not be wrong on this. Leo replies: "We did this to ourselves. Now we have to live with it." Toby: "They're bombing Qumar?" Leo: "We're bombing Qumar." Leo asks about the speeches, and says he doesn't want Jed to know, if Zoey turns up alive, that Leo ever asked Toby to do the second one. Toby understands: "Hell, if I could even figure out how to write it..." He asks Leo how Jed's doing. Leo says, "Not too good." Toby: "He know if there's anything..." Leo: "He knows." Leo takes off.
Toby wanders over to Will's office and stands there. Will looks up, and then looks at the TV in a way that sorta says, "Hey, now we're supposed to look at the TV." Toby asks what they're seeing. Apparently, Congress is meeting outside to pray for Zoey. Toby wants to discuss the speeches. Will reads from Toby's: "'Today we affirm this solemn truth: America is the strongest force for freedom the world has ever...'" Frink and I have a little snorting fit. Will: "So strong, you can trigger a constitutional crisis by dosing the First Daughter's vodka gimlet." Toby: "Give it back." Will continues: "'Anyone who dares to invade the sanctity of America's house will be caught, prosecuted, and punished with all of America's might.' Meaning what, exactly? We're going to bomb their prison cells? You're treating Zoey like an abstraction. It needs to be a man, humbly supplicating himself..." Toby: "'Supplicating'? He's not going to stand in front of the cameras and rub gravel through his hair!" No? That would be more compelling than a lot of this episode. ["Yeah, but Carnivàle fulfilled TV's quota for gravelly hair." -- Wing Chun] Toby says they need a tone of defiant leadership: "What's the alternative? Admitting he was off licking his wounds but now he's ready to come back and take the nuclear launch codes?" Will hands him his speech. Toby reads just a bit but he looks pissed right away: "'I thank the Lord that Zoey is back in her mother's arms, yet our nation still grieves.'" Will says it's a new and difficult time and that we have to acknowledge our mortality. Toby: "'I know that I am not alone in thinking how fragile is the safety and security we take for granted.' You're leading with failure. What kind of message is that?" He tosses the speech down on the desk with disgust and heads for his office. At the door, he says, "If we go two lines without using the phrase 'unimaginably large military arsenal,' we're out of our minds." Will asks, "You want me to start on the second one?" Toby hollers as he enters his office, "You're already doing it!" The door slams.
The camera rises from behind the desk in the Oval Office to rest on a meeting of officials and military types. Frink gripes about the blocking. I'm just glad we're done with last week's JerkyCam. Berryhill tells the group that Qumar has not yet responded to the attack: "I'm sure they're trying to shape an appropriate response, somewhere between a hunger strike and declaring war." Someone wishes them luck. Walken: "No writing yet on other Arab capitals?" Berryhill says it's early. Leo asks about the UN. Berryhill says that China's on board, but that Syria will need hand-holding. Fitz reports that the ground forces should be in place in about six hours. Leo: "Any casualties?" A helicopter was hit; six guys (including two pilots) are dead. Walken looks dismayed and asks Casper for an update. There's been no word from the kidnappers, but they've detained and interrogated fifty-one members of a mosque the suspects had been attending. Berryhill says that Saudi Arabia has agreed to help with the interrogation of the suspects' families in Saudi Arabia. Casper says that they can't do the interrogation themselves but will have someone present. Steve Atwood mutters, "Better they do it anyway." Berryhill: "Why is that, Mr. Atwood?" Steve: "They're not as squeamish." Oh, thank God for those bloodthirsty, brutal, inherently inhumane Arabs! Leo asks about the five sleepers. They've got nothing on them.
Nancy (the assistant, not the other one) knocks and says that Mr. Steinholtz is there. Everyone gets up and leaves except for Steve and Leo. Walken says that because deficit projections look bad, they're going to need a stimulus package. Leo quietly says, "Or revenue enhancements." Walken: "Significant tax cuts, reduction in discretionary spending..." Leo says nothing but doesn't look at Walken. Walken asks if there's something on his mind. Leo asks, "So now what?" Walken asks if he has a suggestion. Leo gently says, "This office isn't always about doing something. Most of the time it's about not doing something." Steve looks wary, and Walken asks Steve to give him and Leo a minute. Steve leaves. Walken asks, "What's your point?" Leo mentions Walken's meeting with Republicans without Democrats present. Walken wonders what they're being accused of. Leo: "You weren't elected to this office..." Walken: "Neither were you." Leo says that he (Leo) has a responsibility to President Bartlet and something else, but Walken interrupts: "Don't lecture me about the responsibilities of this office!" Leo: "Then start acting like you understand them!" Walken tells Leo that if he's uncomfortable as his Chief of Staff, he should recuse himself until Walken's gone. Leo: "Thank you, sir." He walks back to his office and closes the door firmly.
Leo walks over to the Residence, past Charlie, who's just hanging around. They don't say anything to each other.
The scene is Leo sitting at a small dining table as Jed paces, saying, "We started this, Leo." Leo says it's not about Shareef. Jed: "You're right, it's not. It's about our allowing situations in these countries to develop in the first place." Leo says he's not going to allow Jed to do this. Jed states, "We choose the order and certainty of petty despots over the uncertainty and chaos of developing democracies." Leo: "Shareef ordered the slaughter of innocent women and children. He wasn't a nationalist or a fledgling democrat; he was a cold-blooded murderer." Unlike someone who orders an assassination? Sorry, I'm real vague on the difference. Jed: "Six more American boys are dead." Leo: "And that doesn't make you angry?" Jed turns and bellows, "Of course that makes me angry!" Leo looks surprised. Jed: "'The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral. Returning violence with violence only multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.'" Out loud I say, "Thank you." Leo nods like a pupil being tutored and says, "Dr. King." Frink mutters: "Clearly some kind of commie." Could the source of the quotation have been identified in any more blunt a fashion? Why did it have to be identified at all? Jed: "I'm part of that darkness now, Leo. When did that happen?" Leo: "Dr. King wasn't wrong. He just didn't have your job." See, right there, the author of those words was identified without having to bludgeon us with it. Why is the other line necessary at all? It's not. ["John Wells really thinks we're all developmentally delayed, is all." -- Wing Chun]
Monday, 3:00 PM. Hour 39. Ryan the Swimtern (tm hughster) is hanging around Josh's office while Josh attempts to work. Blah blah Harvardcakes. Donna ascertains that Ryan is the great-great-grandson of Franklin Pierce (who apparently had no descendants, but whatever). C.J. comes in to say that Atwood gave a quote to the Times. Josh reads it, gets mad, and takes off. As Donna runs after him asking what Atwood said, Swimtern follows them, asking if Josh knows Skip So-And-So and Chip Privileged III and a bunch of other swells who also went to Harvard. Josh does not. Josh arrives in the bullpen and asks where Toby is; someone says he went to the Mess. Josh is in gear again as Ryan keeps blithering about squash and whatnot. Whenever I think I can't be less interested, someone adds sports to the mix and achieves exactly that result. As they keep barrelling through the halls, Josh relates that he was more into the newspaper than sports. Swimtern figures as much. They go on and on in an unfunny fashion and just as Swimtern's asking if they always walk this fast, he trips and falls. It's not funny and it's not surprising and as much of a knob as he is, it's not even gratifying. It's just weak and gratuitous and fails to even elicit a reflexive laugh. ["I laughed, but I'm four." -- Wing Chun] Josh's answer to Swimtern's question: "Yes." He picks himself up and they keep going. Josh takes charge and starts asking where Ryan spent his time on campus: "The Spee? Hasty Pudding?" He concludes that Swimtern was probably one of the drunken frat-boy types who harassed Josh on his way to the library on Friday nights. ["NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!" -- Wing Chun] They finally find Toby, and Josh shows his the quotation. Toby says to Josh, "You and me." Though it sounds to me more like he asks, "You or me?" But the closed captioning says the former. I'm struggling to care, here.
Debbie is handed a large manila envelope at her desk. She opens it and takes the document in to Walken, who's on the phone making a condolence call to the parents of one of the men killed in action in Qumar. He's sitting down. Is he not aware he should be making those calls standing up? He hangs up and kind of looks away while Debbie stands there. Then he asks her, "How many more?" There are two. He pauses and then asks, "When do I get to the fun part of being President, Debbie?" She asks, "The fun part, sir?" He explains: "Yeah, flying around on Air Force One, getting a good tee time at Hilton Head..." The first two times I saw this, I heard "tea time." If it weren't for the closed captioning, I would still be thinking he was a fan of high tea. Never heard of Hilton Head, either. Thought he was talking about a fancy hotel. Sports, boy, I don't know. Debbie doubts he'll have much trouble getting good tee times. Walken comments, "This is a weird-looking room." Debbie replies, "Truman called it 'the crown jewel of the federal penal system.'" Ha! What does it say when the funniest line in the show is a quotation from a dead president? Walken grins and asks, "You a Truman fan?" She is. Walken: "Me, too." Debbie: "I would have taken you for an Eisenhower man, sir." Indeed. Explains his dog's name. Walken claims that if Truman were alive today, he'd be a Republican. Debbie doubts that very much. Walken: "You know, it's funny, this was never an ambition of mine." Sure thing. And if you believe that, I've got several unneeded gym socks I can let you have real cheap. They've only ever hung over one shower rod. Debbie replies, "Neither did Mr. Truman." Debbie says she'll start another call. Walken thanks her. Well, that at least sounded like it might have something to do with the show we've been watching for the last four years. Walken sighs as Debbie leaves.
We see Atwood walking through the halls. Josh manages to locate him, like the Republican weasel-seeking missile that he is. Sweet fancy Moses, he's following him into the john. Me to Frink: "That is so ER." Frink totally agrees. It's also fairly NYPD Blue. What it is not, is The West Wing. Four years of this show, and I can't recall ever, ever seeing the inside of a bathroom for any reason. I might be forgetting something, because frankly it's all turning into a blur at this point. But it can't be long before people are getting it on in janitor's closets and having technicolour meltdowns while their co-workers chew the scenery or conversely, stand around doing jack. Even if we have seen a bathroom on The West Wing before, I doubt it was a scene where one character stalked another one in there to confront that person. The height of class, no? It's a very swanky bathroom, though. You can tell the set designers have had their elegant little paws all over it.
Anyway, while Steve wonders if Josh is there to cruise him or tear him a new one, Josh launches in: "'This isn't about partisan politics. It's about what's best for the country. However long this crisis lasts, we're fortunate to have President Walken here to lead us.'" Josh says it's a great quote. Steve thanks him. Josh compliments him on the turn of phrase "however long this crisis lasts," saying a more accurate description of that time period might be "'until President Bartlet decides to sign the second letter and boot Walken's fat ass out of our White House.'" Steve asks what the hell Josh is on about. The lighting is so dark that all I can see is a pinkish red light behind Steve's head; I can't make out his facial features at all -- not at all. Josh accuses Steve of campaigning for the election. Steve finishes draining his weasel (hee! The weasel's weasel) and washes his hands as Josh asks for a "straight answer for once in [his] life" as to what they're up to. Josh runs off at the mouth for a bit until Steve says, "You don't get it, do you? Republicans are in awe of Bartlet. He recused himself in the only way he could: in the way envisioned by the Constitution." Josh: "None of the framers were afraid of the President's daughter being kidnapped at musket-point." Steve patiently explains to Josh: "The whole notion of the 25th Amendment is that the institution matters more than the man. Bartlet's decision was even more self-sacrificing because he willingly gave power to his opposition." Josh replies, "The institution may matter more, but it's your guy protecting it, not ours." Steve: "A truly self-sacrificing act usually involves some sacrifice." Josh thinks that now the Republicans are going to nail the Democrats to the cross. Steve, again patiently: "No. You beat the terrorists at their own game. We're not stupid, Josh! We try to use this to our advantage, and it'll blow up in our faces. We'd seem callous and unfeeling, in contrast to Bartlet's extraordinary gesture of courage and patriotism." Now Josh's face is so dark I can't even see his reaction. Stop spending money on guest stars who are there for absolutely no reason, and give some back to the lighting department. As Steve leaves, he adds, "And anyone who thinks otherwise...has a particularly craven way of looking at politics."
When Josh comes out, he can sense that something's happened. His Spidey sense goes crazy. Also, everyone's running around more than usual. Josh comes into C.J.'s office where she's watching TV with Carol and someone else. She tells him, "Aljazeera has a tape of Zoey." We drift into the Sit Room, where Leo, Walken, Fitz, and Casper are watching the broadcast too, while a woman translates what is being said. She says the speaker is claiming responsibility for the kidnapping in the name of the Bahji and "Solomon de Mahmoud." I don't think that can possibly be the name, but that's what the closed captioning has. Apparently, he is one of the prisoners they want Pakistan to release. We see an image on the television of a long-haired woman in almost complete shadow holding up that day's USA Today -- which they make sure to name as such. Walken asks what she's holding up. Apart from the fact that it's SOP to show a hostage victim holding up a current newspaper, USA Today has one of the most easily recognizable front pages around -- did Walken really need to ask, or was it just more clumsy product placement? I don't know how anyone can be sure it's Zoey, her face is so dark. I think they should start interrogating the guys from the lighting department about what they know about Zoey's abduction. Frankly, it's so damn dark on this show, she could lying on the floor of the Mess and no one could see her. The translators says that the kidnappers are demanding the release of the prisoners. Walken: "Is she even conscious? She looks drugged." Well, yeah, you would think. Leo asks why the picture quality is so bad. Casper explains: "We think it's a digital photograph emailed to Aljazeera, probably over a modem." Huh? I look at my tech expert for confirmation and he just rolls his eyes, saying the fact of being transmitted over a modem would have nothing to do with it. Frink thinks that there's probably a minimum number of syllables to qualify as a West Wing sentence, and that they just needed some filler. I figure Casper must be the guy who masterminded the apprehension of the fax machine, too. Leo assures them that it's Zoey. The translator says that the speaker is denouncing the United States, the Kingdom of Qumar, and the American attack on holy Muslim lands: "And he says that if every American soldier is not out of Qumar in twenty-four hours, they are going to shoot her."
Tuesday, 1:30 AM. Hour 50. Jed comes out of the Residence and walks slowly over to Toby's office. Toby was just about to sit down when Jed appears and says, "Toby." Toby quickly stands up, Jed says he didn't mean to startle him, and Toby says he's just surprised to see him down in the office. Jed says, "They haven't revoked my pass yet." Martin Sheen has a nice smile. He encourages Toby to sit. Toby asks if there's anything he can do for him. Jed wants a cigarette. Abby doesn't let him smoke in the Residence but he usually has some hidden in the Oval Office. Toby thinks he might have a couple of cigars. Jed's not interested in any stogies. He hesitates in front of the TV monitor, where the sound is off, but Walken is holding yet another press briefing. Neither Jed nor Toby says anything. You know, I realize this is a serious, upsetting time, but it's hard to believe people would have so little to say -- nothing to express, no tears, nothing. Here's Jed with the staffer he's probably had the most trouble connecting with, possibly the person he clashes with most (other than Abby), and they've just got nothing to say. How many scenes do we need with people saying to nothing to prove the point that words are inadequate at times like this? Not that many. Jed wonders what Toby's working on. Toby looks like he was hoping Jed wouldn't ask that, but says it's the speech for when Jed comes back. Jed asks how it's going. Toby: "Fine. Tough." Jed wants to have a look, so he fishes his glasses out of his pocket. Good thing Will's working on the "Zoey dies" version. Toby says he's still working on the ending. Looking through it, and not at Toby, Jed asks: "Where's the other one?" Toby plays dumb -- which is so beneath him -- and says, "What other one?" It's also a total insult to Jed's intelligence. Jed looks at him and says, "The other speech." And Toby lies -- lies! -- and says, "We only wrote one." Jed just gazes at him until he gives it up. Jed reads, asking if Toby wrote it. Toby says it was Will: "But...we won't need it, sir." Jed draws in a breath that almost sounds like a sniffle and reads, "'The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...' Do you mind if I take this with me?" Toby doesn't mind. Jed leaves, saying, "Maybe I can bum a smoke off one of the agents." Toby says, "You take care of yourself, Mr. President." Jed pauses and nods, replacing his glasses in his pocket. That was painful, and not for the reasons it should have been.
At the FBI Command Center, a woman receives a phone call. She puts him on hold and walks into another office to tell Casper: "We may have something."
In the Sit Room, Fitz asks Leo if he's been home since this started. Leo says he's all right. Fitz: "You guys any closer to naming my successor?" No! Funkmaster Funky Fitz can't go. Except I hear John Amos has a new show somewhere else, and frankly, he's probably leaving at the right time. Leo thought Fitz was joking. Fitz: "I promised Laura a month on a boat, kicking around the Caribbean for our honeymoon. Thirty-two years later, I think her patience is finally wearing a bit thin." Give that woman a Purple Heart. Leo: "You sail?" Fitz: "The last thing I captained weighed 7,000 tons. I should be able to figure out how to ease a thirty-two foot Catalina into...a slip in Kingston..." They're interrupted by someone who's just answered a phone, who tells them, "The FBI are on their way over. They think they've found Zoey Bartlet." Leo's face lights up for the first time in two days.
Cut to a night scene of a helicopter carrying the First Family, Leo, and Charlie, all looking scared and drawn. Nobody's speaking to anybody. That's par for the course, now. We hear a man's voice competing with the noise of the aircraft, saying "A Virginia state trooper responded to a domestic disturbance call outside of Calverton. They both got drunk. He had let her out at the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, so she dialed 911 on her cell." As someone who used to live in the middle of nowhere, let me assure you: cell-phone signals are not nearly as plentiful or reliable as TV writers -- most of whom seem to live in Hollywood -- would have you believe. ["Actually, the last time I was in L.A. with my brand-new phone, I couldn't get service half the time. Something about the mountains. But anyway." -- Wing Chun] The man -- who kind of sounds like Casper -- continues, "The trooper couldn't find her. She wandered off somewhere to try to get out of the rain. Guy checked an old barn across the road from where she said she'd be." Who's he talking to? No explanation. Jed looks out the window at the scene below as they fly over an area where about twenty or thirty vehicles are parked, lights flashing. "A white van..."
The speaker trails off as the helicopter lands. We see the passengers disembark from above the little stairway, and then as we get a shot of their feet moving across a grassy field, Frink points out how ER that shot is, too. Jed and Abby hold hands as they all make their way through the two dozen vehicles to the ambulance in the back of which Zoey is sitting. When Abby catches sight of Zoey, Abby starts running and shouts, "Zoey!" Stockard Channing nails the mixture of relief, anguish, and desperation. Zoey's arm is in a sling, but she extends her other arm to her mother. She looks haggard and a bit dazed as her mother strokes her head and pulls her close. Zoey looks over Abby's shoulder at Charlie. Elsewhere, some guy playing Exposition Fairy tells Leo and Casper: "She's got a possible clavicle fracture, some irritation because of the tear gas, and some ringing in her ears because of the flashbangs." The guy adds, "No sign of sexual assault -- but she's still a bit out of it." How have they determined whether or not she was sexually assaulted? Please tell me they didn't do a rape kit out here in the field, the minute they found her, or in the back of the ambulance with twenty cops and paramedics buzzing around. "They're going to run a tox scan to see..." Leo looks over his shoulder at the bodies being brought out and he asks, "They all dead?" Exposition Fairy: "Sharpshooters got two using the spike-mike and thermal scanners. Other one was sleeping when we came in. Tried to grab a weapon. We found her locked in a closet in the back bedroom." Someone calls Casper and he runs off. Leo just stares at the building where they're bringing bodies out. We cut to Bartlet looking teary and kissing Zoey on the head in slo-mo. Ellie stands there looking sad. Zoey looks around, shellshocked. Back to Leo's grim face, and then an aerial shot of the whole mess. And that's that. No, really. Completely unsatisfying and unrewarding.
That whole scene took only two minutes. Two minutes to resolve a four-episode story arc, and I use the word "resolve" loosely. There are so many questions here I hardly know where to begin: who were the kidnappers? Were they professionals connected to the Qumari government, or was Nancy right -- were they just amateurs? What does the barn have to do with anything? How does it connect to finding Zoey? These guys kidnap the President's daughter, and they only have three people with her? One of whom is asleep? Are any of the abductors from the group of the five sleepers? Was there any other evidence in the house? And on and on -- I'm just scratching the surface here. Most importantly: how does this shit get past the producers? Oh wait, a producer wrote it. Well, there you go. I am amazed that a storyline that started with such a bang could end with such a pathetic, anticlimactic whimper. I felt almost nothing -- nothing! -- during this scene, other than a slight twinge when Abby called out Zoey's name. And I am someone who can cry at the drop of a hat. I am a crier, and I was all prepared to feel something here. What a dumsquizzling waste of dramatic potential. God, if you can't milk even something maudlin out of a scenario like that...I can't help you. I've had more moving encounters with my tax lawyer.
Jed's all suited up and ready for action again, as he walks confidently along the portico, followed by Josh and Toby. He enters the Oval Office, where Leo, Will, C.J., and Walken are waiting for him. C.J. looks sharp in a strong red suit. Jed approaches the desk and asks Mr. President whether he's "ready to do this." He is. Leo presents the letter, Jed signs it, and that's that. Leo and the Fab Four breathe regular again. Jed presents Walken with the fountain pen as a fabulous parting gift. Walken takes it, saying, "Hmm. Hmm." I can't really hear that, but the closed captioning says it, and they couldn't closed-caption it if it weren't true. Except, not. I think Walken actually means to say, "Aw, a pen? I wanted a ride on Air Force One." Anyway, POTUS shakes hands with King Ralph and asks if he's going to run again. Walken claims not to have decided. And if you believe that...well, nobody's taken me up on those gym socks yet. Jed: "If you do, let me know. I'll come campaign for you." Aw. Walken grins, "I'm not so sure that'd be a plus in my district, Mr. President." Which is what? Bedrock? Jed wonders if he'll stick around for the press conference. Ex-President Flintstone: "Thank you, Mr. President, but I think the nation's best served by seeing only one President at a time." Jed nods a tiny nod. Walken leaves, shaking Leo's hand as he goes. When he's at the door, Jed says, "Glen...thank you." Walken nods and leaves. Jed looks almost sad to see him go.
Toby says he has the final version of Bartlet's speech for him to review. Jed says he doesn't need it; he's going to use the "one from last night." Toby: "Last night, sir?" Jed tells Will that he made a few changes, and that he hopes Will won't mind. Of course he won't. Jed thanks everyone, and they leave. Jed asks C.J. how much time he has; she says they told the networks to be ready in ten minutes. C.J. asks if FLOTUS will be joining him; Jed says no: "She's at Walter Reed with Zoey." C.J. thanks him and leaves. Jed hands Leo the signed letter and Leo puts it in a folder. He asks if Jed would like them to get his speech on the TelePrompter for him. I'm surprised there isn't more of an effort to vet this speech. Nobody lets POTUS go out and speak publicly without vetting his remarks. Jed says it won't be necessary.
Back in Josh's office, Josh studies his bulletin board with pictures of potential VPOTUS candidates. Steve drops by to ask, "So who's the lucky winner?" Josh says POTUS hasn't decided. Steve asks whether Josh has a favourite. Josh repeats his answer. Donna sticks her head in to say, "They're gathering." She disappears again as Steve glances around and says, "Nice office." Josh smiles at him. Steve leaves. Josh wanders over to stand in front of Donna, as if to ask, without actually saying so, "Do I look all right?" Donna nods with a pleasant smile.
Outside the Oval Office, Toby, C.J., Leo, and Will wait for POTUS. Will: "Did we ever find those five Bahji sleepers?" Leo: "No." Hey, that's at least one question answered. Way to wrap that up. Josh arrives just as POTUS comes out of his office. C.J. goes off to handle the press conference, which is being held in the Rose Garden, and Jed asks where they are on VPOTUS. Leo says that they have several candidates, and they're waiting for Jed's decision. We hear C.J. announce POTUS, and he walks out to the sound of cameras snapping pictures. We hear the beginning of his speech as the rest of the staff members walk outside too. Jed: "'The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.' Words I did not fully understand until our daughter was taken away from us three days ago..."
Cut to Zoey's hospital room, where she's sleeping, hooked up to monitors. Charlie's there, as are her sisters and brother-in-law, watching POTUS on the monitor. Jed: "But now we can rejoice and be glad, for that which was lost has been found." I guess Jed poured his Bible into my Ronco Verbomatic and spun this speech out. I don't know if he's responsible for that mess, or Will is, or Toby is, but I hope it's not the latter two. You can't spend years making a big deal of what bad-ass speechwriters Toby and his staff are and then spew stuff like that. "That my child is back in her mother's arms is serendipity and grace. A second chance that will not slip through our hands again. I wish that I could tell you that there's some new policy, some new weapons system -- a silver bullet, perhaps -- that could meet this moment." The camera drifting around Zoey's room finally comes to rest on Abby's back. She's standing, turned away from everyone else, including her husband's image on the TV, staring out the window. "That I could keep us safe from the terror that's now among us. But if I were to say that, I'd be lying. All I can promise you is that I will fight with every fibre of my being, with every weapon in our arsenal, and with every ounce of God's grace, to keep us strong, and free, and safe." Abby looks extremely grave, and while you might think she's worrying about her family and the state of the world, or maybe even about leaving Jed (and frankly, she probably should), I'll tell you what's she really thinking: she's wondering what she has to do to get out of her contract with this show.