We start with about five seconds of Santos and Vinick backstage before the debate. They're both pretty nervous, don't ya know. Despite having agreed to "a real debate" last week, the two campaigns have worked out a complex set of time limits and rebuttals and re-rebuttals. And then, in their opening statements, the two candidates junk the rules. What follows is an hour (with only eight minutes of commercials) of two politicians debating. Santos is a Democrat, and thinks that the government can and should solve problems. Vinick is a Republican who thinks that the market can and should solve problems, and he never met a tax cut he didn't like. And that's about it. Get ready for the shortest recap ever.
I have to say right at the beginning, I thought this was a disastrously bad episode. I should have liked it -- it was well-acted (certainly by Alan Alda), and there were plenty of one-liners and policy proposals that my liberal heart could love. But the episode was just pointless. I enjoy watching real campaign debates because they matter -- one of the people on the stage is going to be elected, as President, as Senator, or as dogcatcher. The things they have to say will have an impact on that election. But The West Wing is a television show, and however much I enjoy the policy discussions the show presents, its primary purpose is to entertain. There needs to be story, and plot, and characterization. This episode had none of that. No storyline from any episode was mentioned, not one -- no questions about the shuttle leak, no questions about the U.S. peacekeepers on the West Bank, no questions about the U.S. relationship with China. Nothing happened that would obviously have an impact on the future development of the show. And I didn't feel as though I learned a single thing about the characters of either Santos or Vinick. What's worse, I expect that the debate won't even matter in the context of the show. I fully expect the episode (which is not coming until December 4 at the earliest) barely to mention the debate or the impact it might have on the campaign. It was just boring, and I fear that the recap will be short and boring as well. To remedy that, I will be mixing this recap of The West Wing with a recap of the third episode of Mile High, the sexy British series about a group of sexy flight attendants who work for a sexy airline. It has none of the good qualities of The West Wing -- the acting and writing are atrocious, and the show is as meaningful as a bite of cotton candy. But at least its producers haven't forgotten that their main job is to entertain us. Plus, it's sexy.
The West Wing. Ellen DeGeneres welcomes us to this very special episode of the show. She's been hired by American Express (proud owner of the soul of John Wells) to do shtick during the limited commercial breaks. Well, that should be a pleasant diversion from the debate.
Mile High. Previously, on Mile High, sexy flight attendant Emma was flying off to Spain to get married when she discovered that her ex, sexy co-pilot John, had resumed his career with Fresh Airlines so that he could pursue her. Awkward. She ended up having crazy sex with him in the hotel pool after her bachelorette party (which the Brits insist on calling a "hen party"), but still married her fiancé Ian in the morning. Meanwhile, sexy new flight attendant Marco had an awful first day on the job, arriving late for his own flight to a different city in Spain, losing his luggage, getting shanghaied to Emma's hen party in a different town, and then getting drugged, robbed, robbed again, and left floating passed out and naked in the hotel pool, where he was discovered by super-bitchy (but still sexy) supervisor Janis after he missed his return flight to England. It looked like Marco would lose his job for sure, but sexy (and flaming) flight attendant Will gave new meaning to the words "labor relations" when he appeared as Marco's union rep at the disciplinary hearing and got Marco's termination reduced to a warning by giving a blowjob to the disciplinary officer. And can I just say, best union ever. Will did that because he fancies young Marco, and he convinced Marco to move into the apartment that he shares with sexy, black, and possibly bisexual flight attendant Lehann (who is by far the smartest and nicest of this bunch) and straight and unsexy flight attendant Jason. But while Will was planning to climb into bed with a sleepy Marco, Marco was having his own dominatrix fantasies about Janis. And that was just the first two episodes!
The West Wing. Previously, Santos and Vinick agreed to a debate.
Vinick turns on the light in his dressing room and starts fidgeting with his collar and tie as we hear Forrest Sawyer warming up the debate audience in the background. Sheila knocks on the door and gives Vinick his three-minute warning, telling him that she needs to go downstairs to work the press. She sounds like she's talking to a nervous first-grader as she tells him, "Bruno's gonna walk you to the stage, okay?" Aw, is wittle Arnie nervous about the debate?
Mile High. A Fresh Air flight lands in Barcelona. Oh, I'm sorry -- I mean "Barthelona." On board, we find Emma, Jackie, and James preparing the plane for the flight back to London. James isn't feeling well -- apparently, he ate a bad prawn sandwich. Is there any other kind? Emma tells him to relax while she and Jackie prepare for boarding. As soon as he's out of earshot, Jackie starts bitching about the extra work. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Jackie is not a very nice person. Emma walks away just as John emerges from the cockpit. How conveeeenient that these two were assigned to the same flight. Jackie rips off John's clothes and goes to work. Or, she just licks her lips and asks him how it's going. She's not only a tramp, she's an unimaginative tramp, as she offers him "coffee, tea, or me." John tells that that, for now, he'll take either of the first two. Nice. Reject her, but leave open the chance that you'll take advantage of her at a later time. I can see why Emma is so hung up on this guy. Jackie points out that the Spanish air-traffic controllers are going to go on strike at any time, but John thinks the flight will get off okay, "as long as we don't miss our slot." Oh, John. Do you ever miss your slot?
Mile High. Emma is on her cell phone, speaking to new hubby Ian. As she hangs up the phone, she sees James passed out on the floor of the plane. Apparently, he's only partially passed out, because we do a quick cut to him sitting in a seat, drinking a glass of water, and apologizing for, you know, fainting. John tells him not to take the return flight, but to stay in Spain and see a doctor. James thinks that's a good idea, and tells Jackie and Emma that they'll have to work one person short on the flight to London. Jackie immediately jumps to the conclusion that, with James out of the picture, she'll be in charge, but he tells them both that Emma is his choice to take over as purser. Which I guess is what they call the head flight attendant. Jackie tries to argue, pointing out that she has seniority, but James, like George Bush, never changes his mind. Hmmm. Do you think Jackie will take this lying down? If you do, you've got another think coming.
TWW. Vinick walks out of his dressing room and starts walking down a backstage corridor with Bruno, who is giving him last-minute tips for the debate. Bruno reminds Vinick about the rules, which allow for answers, rebuttals, and possible re-rebuttals. All with set time limits, and a system of lights, buzzers, pulleys, and levers to make sure the candidates don't go over on their time. Vinick is totally petulant as he complains about the rules. Bruno tells him that Santos's people insisted on them, to protect Santos. Vinick asks, "Well, why the hell did we agree to them?" Bruno: "They protect you, too." Vinick thinks that all the time limits will just make him feel self-conscious and stiff. Bruno tries to go all Zen master on Arnie, telling him to relax and be himself. He reminds Vinick that Santos is more scared of Vinick than Vinick is scared of Santos. Vinick tells him, "You have no idea what this feels like. 'Terrified' doesn't begin to describe it."
MH. The sexy flat in London. Will and Lehann are admiring Marco's sleeping form. His bed is apparently in a corner of the living room. Jason walks into the room and tells Will to lay off Marco, since he's straight. Will is perfectly happy with the "lay" part of the request, but not the "off"; he tells Jason, "Nothing that beautiful is straight." Jason wants a wingman instead of a rear gunner. Did somebody drug Marco again? Because I don't know how he could sleep through this conversation otherwise. Jason bets Will that he can prove Marco is straight by getting him to have sex with a woman. Will wants a photo for proof, and they shake on it. And then they wake Marco up five minutes before they all have to leave for the airport.
MH. The sexy convertible full of flight attendants has arrived at the airport. Marco starts to walk off with his bag while Jason and Will continue their debate about where he likes to stick his willy. Will thinks that any man who wants to be a flight attendant is pretty much gay, and then points out the way Marco daintily pulls his rolling bag as proof that he's a poof. Jason yells at Marco to carry his bag like a man. Is there really a butch and non-butch way to carry luggage? One of the other flight attendants asks Will if he's accusing Jason of being gay, and he tells them that he thinks all of Jason's frantic sex may just be overcompensation. Looking at Jason, I have to believe that most of his sex is for compensation. Lehann asks Jason if he's ever really been in love with a woman, and tells him, "It's not who you fuck that makes you gay or straight. It's who you fall in love with." That, and how you carry your luggage. By the way, BBC America removes the word "fuck," but will gladly show breasts (in later scenes). What's with that? Jason refuses to tell them whether he's ever been in love.
TWW. Lou is prepping Santos while Helen fixes his tie. Lou is marginally more calming than Bruno, by about one-tenth of a degree. Lou tells Santos that the worst thing he can do is get into an argument with the moderator. Yes, that is the worst thing you can do. I like how she thinks. Santos thinks the actual worst thing he can do is forget all of his preparation for the debate. They start walking down the backstage corridor as Santos nervously dabs his face with a handkerchief. I hope he doesn't smudge his makeup. Helen reminds him that he's been through worse things than the debate. He asks for an example, and she has to think for a second before coming up with, "Combat." Oh, Helen. Lou reminds Santos about the rule, and then tells him that Vinick will use the rules to avoid giving an answer to the question of how he's going to pay for his tax cuts. And then she tells Santos that he should feel free to do the same if he faces a question to which he has no answer: "If you get in a jam, just take a paragraph from your stump speech to get you to the red light." By this time, they've arrived at the wings, and Forrest Sawyer begins the formal introductions.
MH. Jason, Marco, and Will welcome passengers aboard a flight to Amsterdam. While the passengers are walking past them, Jason tells Marco that once they find a couple of hot girls, Jason will take the first pick and Marco can have the slightly less hot one. Classy. Will points out that Jason will never get Marco laid with Janis working as their supervisor. Janis, who is standing about two feet away from them, has apparently gone deaf, because she neither hears her crew planning on nailing passengers, nor does she hear Will call her "wagon dragon." Jason picks out a couple of hot women traveling together and tells Marco to help them with their hand luggage.
MH. Barthelona. Passengers are boarding the plane. Jackie is still griping about Emma's being put in charge. A kind of tall (but not too tall) man boards the plane and starts to ask Emma a question about his seat. And then Jackie breaks the news to Emma that there are two unaccompanied minors on the flight, and that they weren't sent to board early. The tall man is telling them, rather calmly, that he wants a bulkhead seat. He's carrying a stuffed pink bunny under his arm. Will it have some important symbolic meaning? I'm leaning toward "yes." The pilot wants to speak to Emma, and she tells Jackie to help the tall man. Jackie just ignores him and directs him to his assigned seat. Oh, hey, there's some other boy flight attendant working on the plane as well. In the cockpit, Emma, John, and the pilot make some small talk about whether they are on schedule. They are, but John can't resist mocking Emma for wanting to get home so that she and her husband can meet with a real estate agent.
TWW. Helen gives Santos a kiss, and then he and Vinick walk out on stage. Vinick stops at his podium, but Santos crosses in front of his in order to walk over to Vinick and shake his hand. Forrest tells everyone the rules, and Vinick starts to make that face that says that he's smiling only because he thinks something's incredibly stupid. Santos notices, and eventually tells Forrest, "I think time's up on the rules." But Forrest continues, reminding the audience to stay silent, "until the end of the debate, when we can all give democracy a big round of applause." The applause will have to be for democracy, because it sure won't be for this episode. And then he turns the floor over to Vinick for his opening statement. Vinick starts by telling everyone what an honor it is to be there. And then he freezes up for what seems like an eternity. I was a bit fearful that Alan Alda was having an aneurysm, but it was actually just a scripted moment for Vinick to wrestle with his soul. He tells the audience that after watching every televised presidential debate (because he's ancient, people), he thinks the rules are stupid, and he wants to throw them out. He refers to the Lincoln-Douglas debates over slavery, and remarks that Abraham Lincoln didn't need any rules for debate. Which is just not true. If you read the transcripts of those debates, you will see that they followed a rigid format -- one speaker gave a long speech, the second replied with a long speech, and the first speaker was given an opportunity to respond. And that was it. When Lincoln tried to interrupt Douglas during the first debate, Douglas supporters physically pulled him down and prevented him from speaking. Which isn't to say that they weren't deeply important debates. But they were hardly a free-for-all. In any case, Vinick asks Santos (whom he calls "Matt") whether he is willing to junk the rules. Forrest tries to point out that the rules prohibit Vinick from asking Santos a question, but Santos (after making sure that Vinick doesn't plan to filibuster him by speaking for an hour) agrees to the deal. Nooooo! The rules help control the fun! Credits.
MH. Barthelona. The plane is still on the ground. Tall Man is on his cell phone, arguing with someone about something his solicitor said. You know, he's not too unattractive -- I don't see why he needs someone to solicit for him. Jackie yells at him to turn off his phone, and he calms down and apologizes. Again, he asks about the bulkhead seat, and she tells him to sit in his assigned seat. He claims that he's far too tall for a regular seat. Eh. I don't think this guy's even six feet. Jackie tells the guy that they can't take off if he doesn't sit down. He demands to see her supervisor. That sticks in her craw, and she tells him that after they take off, she'll make sure her supervisor sees him right away. He stuffs the bunny in the overhead compartment and sits down.
MH. On the flight to Amsterdam, Jason hands some tiny bottles of liquor to Marco and tells him to give them to the hot girls when Janis isn't looking. He even gives Marco a line to use. Marco walks up to the girls, bends down, starts saying the line, freezes up, and then throws the bottles at them. And then he runs back to Jason. Janis saw him (of course), and walks up to ask if he was just giving away booze. And then Will comes to give her a blowjob to get Marco out of trouble again. Or what really happens is that Will walks up and tells Marco that the girls are asking for their change, and he slips a twenty-pound note to Marco. Fortunately, Marco isn't quite stupid enough not to understand what's going on, and he walks back toward the girls. Janis tells Jason to stop being a bad influence on Marco. Meanwhile, Marco is actually giving change to the girls he threw the booze at. They really hit the jackpot on this flight. Will yells at him for taking risks when he so recently got out of serious trouble. Marco's only defense is that Jason told him to do it. So cute, yet so stupid. Although if Will were paying attention, he might notice that Marco will basically do anything anybody asks him to. That might come in handy. Then Will takes the money back from the girls, apologizing for the mistake. After Marco leaves, Will tells the girls that Marco has genital warts and that Jason is Will's boyfriend. Commercials.
TWW. Oh look, it's Ellen. She's pretending to be backstage at the actual debate. Instead of, you know, on some empty soundstage. She rambles on for a bit. She sarcastically tells us that she "can feel the excitement in the air." I mean, it must be sarcasm, right? And then she segues from rambling about Social Security cards to a sales pitch for American Express. Crafty. And painful. But the only way it's going to end is for the debate to resume. Never before have I been so torn.
MH. On the Barthelona to London flight, Mr. Tall is pushing the call button. Jackie chooses this moment to tell Emma that he wanted to speak to her supervisor. In his seat, Mr. Tall threatens bodily harm to the guy in front of him if he tries to recline again. And I have to say, as little sympathy as I have for Mr. Tall, I do think that if airlines are going to shove their seats so close together, they should stop them from reclining at all, because there's no way to do it without punishing the person behind you. ["Yes! Screw guns in cockpits -- where's that law?" -- Wing Chun] Emma walks up to Mr. Tall, and he says, "About bloody time." And then she asks him to mind his language. Wait, is "bloody" still a serious swear word over there? He starts yelling at her, demanding a bulkhead seat. She tells him he's stuck with whatever he was assigned at the check-in desk, and he insists that the check-in desk told him that the flight attendants could help him out. He also claims that Jackie told him Emma would help him, and when Emma points out that she can't help him because the bulkhead seats are all full, he accuses Jackie of lying. Mr. Tall claims that he has been on this flight fourteen times, and that every time, the same thing happens. I think Mr. Tall should use his frequent flyer miles to buy a clue. If the check-in desk keeps telling him the attendants can help him out and the attendants consistently can't, he might want to take that up with the check-in desk. He's really screaming now. Emma suggests that if he checked in earlier, he could pick whatever seat he wanted. And now he's standing and screaming at her. She tells him, "Either you sit down, or..." He calls her bluff, wondering what she will do to him.
TWW. Back in the debate hall, the audience is all "rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb." Except for that one guy who's muttering "peas and carrots, peas and carrots." Forrest establishes that they really just want him to ask questions without time limits or rules, and they confirm that they do. Forrest throws the first question to Vinick, asking him about preventing illegal immigration along the Mexican border. Vinick would double the Border Patrol. Santos wonders why he wouldn't triple the Border Patrol. And, since they've thrown out the rule, he really insists that Vinick answer. Vinick's answer is basically that it would be too expensive. Santos thinks it would be too expensive to double it, what with Vinick's proposed tax cuts. And increasing the Border Patrol won't really cut down on immigration, since it turns out that the Border Patrol has already been tripled since 1990, with no real effect. And then Vinick argues that the Central American Free Trade Agreement ("CAFTA") is the other essential piece of controlling immigration, because it will provide jobs in Central America. They get into the whole "he voted for it before he voted against it" bit. Blah blah blah, it was a good bill before it got amended, blah blah blah. And then they move on to discussing Vinick's guest worker proposal. Santos wonders why Vinick ignored Santos's own earlier efforts to pass a guest worker bill and has just found religion on the issue in the middle of the campaign. Forrest asks if Santos is accusing Vinick of emphasizing border issues because he's running against a Latino candidate, and Santos backs down. Wimp. But he calls on his own background to establish his moral authority on the issue, and points out that the problem will never go away until the Mexican economy is much stronger.
MH. What Emma will do to Mr. Tall is restrain him. She and the other two attendants are getting their restraining gear ready in the galley at the back of the plane. She hands something to Jackie and tells her, "This is the drill." No, I think it's actually a pair of handcuffs. Remind me not to invite Emma to my home improvement project. Or my bondage party. She goes over the plan and tells her colleagues to spring into action on the word "say." Mr. Tall is pacing in the aisle of the plane, still ranting. Jackie gives him several chances to get in his seat and shut up, which he refuses, and when she uses the word "say" in a sentence, the three attendants quickly attach the shackles to Mr. Tall, restraining him in his seat. But in the course of the scuffle, Mr. Tall does hit Emma in the face.
MH. On the ground in Amsterdam, Jason tells Marco that his trick for picking up women involves telling them that he used to be a hairdresser. Right. You're a flight attendant, and you tell women that you used to be a hairdresser. That's sure to send the signal that you are massively heterosexual. We're treated to a little flashback of Jason telling a woman that she has great hair, which he can tell because he used to be a hairdresser. It ends with him stroking the hair. On her head. In the cabin, Will comes upon a couple of buxom blondes who are working on their laptop. He tells them they'll have to turn it off and stow it, and then sees that they are working on a homoerotic web site called "Swede Dreams: Fantasy Boys from Around the World." Wouldn't you know, Will is a huge fan, and he conspiratorially leans in and asks if they can do him a favor. (The real Swede Dreams is an Abba cover band -- just in case you were planning on looking for the site.)
TWW. Forrest points out that the centerpiece of Vinick's campaign is his promise to cut taxes. He asks Vinick how he plans to cut spending to pay for the tax cuts. Vinick thinks the solution is to cut taxes and then force Congress to cut back on spending in response to the reduced revenue. Because that has worked so well in the past. Santos points out that Vinick didn't answer the question, and insists that tax increases targeted to the very wealthy can help reduce the deficit. (During this exchange, Vinick refers to Santos as "President Santos." Bruno just threw himself off the roof of a very tall building.) Blah blah blah, the rich pay more than their fair share of taxes, blah blah blah, the rich pay less than many middle-class taxpayers do. In the end, with Forrest pushing both candidates, neither one is able to identify any specific spending cuts he would make to help balance the budget. I was kind of hoping one of them would come up with some of the $60 billion in fat that has been identified in the military budget.
MH. On the Amsterdam to London flight, Jason and Marco are preparing the drink cart when one of the Swedes walks by on the way to the bathroom and gives Jason a sultry look. Jason leaves Marco to go chat up the other Swede. Back in the galley, Marco continues to work on the drink cart while Janis stands with her back to him. He suavely leans over and says, "Janis, I used to be a hairdresser." She's not sure what the hell he's going on about. And then he walks up to her, tells her she has really nice hair, and strokes it. Again, I mean he strokes her hair. Janis: "Marco?" Marco (sultrily): "Janis." Janis: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Like his near namesake, Marco is smooth as silk. Meanwhile, Will is spinning some story of sensitive heartbreak to one of the Swedes. The other Swede walks up and tells Will that her friend is deaf and can't speak: "But for all other purposes, her tongue is in full working order." Um, ew? Jason can't believe that his advances are actually being welcomed. The Speaking Swede tells Jason that she and the Silent Swede are staying at the airport hotel and would love to get together with him and Marco when they are finished with all their flights for the day. She promises him that it will be "a very interesting evening." So, I guess they won't be watching The West Wing debate. Commercials.
MH. On the Barthelona to London flight, John and the pilot decide that they have to return to Barthelona to drop off Mr. Tall. Emma is not pleased, since it will mean she'll be late for her appointment with the real estate agent. Emma emerges from the cockpit to find Jackie waiting for her. Jackie comments on Emma's bruise, which is pink and shiny. It's the kind of bruise Lana Lang would get. Jackie tells Emma that if she were in charge, none of this would have happened. Emma finally grows a pair, and tells Jackie, "Shut the fuck up." And then she has to break the news to the passengers that they are returning to Barthelona. Mr. Tall, who is trussed up like a turkey, starts freaking out and promises to behave if they will just keep going to London. Soon, the plane lands in Barthelona and Mr. Tall is escorted off the plane by some Spanish bobbies (Robertos?). As he is dragged away, he screams at Emma, "You've no idea what you've done!" And then the air-traffic controllers go on strike, and the plane is grounded. After Emma makes the announcement to the passengers, Jackie stops to tell her that she's looking forward to being stuck with John. Where she wants to be stuck, she doesn't say.
TWW. Forrest asks Santos what he thinks the proper role for the federal government is in education. Santos proposes that the federal government should help level the playing field between rich school districts and poor school districts. Vinick claims that Washington, D.C. spends more per student than any other school system and has the lowest scores. Santos argues that he's not just proposing new spending, but also supporting innovative approaches to education. Blah blah blah, vouchers, blah blah blah, taking money away from public schools and giving it to private schools. Santos rips Vinick for opposing Head Start. Vinick claims it doesn't work. Gasp!. I'm sorry, that wasn't me -- it was the audience of overpaid extras. Santos claims that it works, but that the good effects are lost because many public elementary schools are so bad. Santos thinks that American students can become #1 in math and science in ten years. Vinick: "That's a lie!" Unseen audience member: "You're a liar!" Security escorts the guy out as the audience gasps (or boos, or something -- they're not very clear). Forrest tells the audience to stay silent for the rest of the debate. And then he tells the Vinick to be more polite or he will close the thread. Er, I mean, "he will go back to the original rules." Vinick clarifies that he doesn't think Santos is deliberately lying, but that it's just not true that American students can be #1. He thinks that not everyone should want to go to college, and that there are plenty of good jobs for non-college graduates. ["Which I happen to agree with." -- Wing Chun] And he thinks our universities are the best in the world. ["As the graduate of two fine Canadian universities: hey!" -- Wing Chun] Santos slams Vinick for not proposing a single idea to improve public schools, and suggests that if he doesn't improve education during his first term as President, people should not vote for him for reelection. The audience totally disses Forrest by applauding Santos.
MH. At the London airport, Jason and Marco are preparing to meet the Swedes. Marco is having second thoughts, but Jason tells him that the only reason to be a heterosexual male flight attendant is to meet hot women, have sex with them, and then never see them again. The Swedes arrive, and Jason remarks, "You came, then?" Speaking Swede: "Not yet. We were waiting for you." Hey, I think I know where the writers for Undressed went. Silent Swede is carrying a ton of cameras. Marco asks about them, and Speaking Swede (translating for Silent Swede, who has suddenly become Signing Swede) tells him that they are super digital cameras that they use in their work as photojournalists. And then Signing Swede indicates that she wants a picture of Jason and Marco together. She makes them get very close, put their arms around each other, and look into each other's eyes. Heh.
MH. Barthelona. Emma is waiting to give her statement to police when Jackie comes by and hands her Mr. Tall's pink bunny, which was left in the overhead compartment. I wonder how she knew it was his? He hardly looked like the pink bunny type. Do you think the pink bunny had a luggage tag on it? In any case, Jackie and John go off to the hotel. Emma tells them to get a room for her, since all the hotels will be packed due to the strike.
MH. A while later, Emma has finished giving her statement to the police. She's about to leave just as Mr. Tall emerges from...a holding cell, I guess. She tries to give him the pink bunny, but he tells her to keep it. And then he starts screaming at her, and gets taken away by the cops again. He sure is consistent, I'll give him that. And then poor Emma arrives at the hotel to find that she's going to have to share a room with Jackie, while John shares with the pilot.
TWW. Forrest asks Vinick what he would do to help the forty million Americans who are uninsured to get affordable health care. He says that he would make insurance premiums tax-deductible, which he claims would cut the cost by up to 35%. Santos rightly points out that it's only a 35% cut for people who earn a lot (and therefore most likely already have insurance), and that for working people in the lowest tax bracket, it would only be a 10% cut, which would reduce the annual cost of a $10,000 policy to $9,000. Vinick asks Santos how many people would get insurance under the Santos plan, and Santos tells him that 15 million of the 45 million uninsured would get coverage. Vinick slams him for solving less than half the problem (which is rich, coming from the guy who doesn't seem to solve any of it). And then Santos admits that he doesn't really like his plan and would much rather enact a single-payer system by admitting every American to Medicare. Vinick accuses Santos of supporting socialized medicine. Santos tries to step away from his podium, but the sound cuts out. After a few seconds, someone runs up from the pit in front of the stage and hands him a portable microphone. Santos points out that private insurers spend around 25% of every premium dollar on administration. He solicits guesses from the audience as to how much Medicare spends on administration. The brain trust in the debate hall guesses that it's up to 45%. And of course, it's much lower than that. Because everyone with a brain realizes that Santos would only bring it up if the number supported his plan. It's actually just 2%. Just as a debate strategy, I really like the way Santos has moved away from the podium, because it puts his back to Vinick and makes it much harder for Vinick to interrupt. Vinick points out that Medicare taxes would go up, but Santos thinks that most people wouldn't really care as long as the tax increase was less than the premium they (or more likely their employer) was paying. Vinick accuses Santos of not being sensible. Vinick asks for his own mic. Santos gives him his, and then another flunky runs out with a new one for Santos. Vinick pledges that he would never raise the Medicare tax. Santos slams Vinick for himself relying on a combination of the Senate health plan and Medicare for his own private needs. Blah blah blah, if it's good enough for you, why isn't it good enough for the American people, blah blah blah.
MH. Back at the sexy flat, Jason, Marco, and the Swedes arrive while Will is preparing a snack. Jason sends Marco and the girls out to the balcony to check out the view while he gets drinks. As they leave, he warns Will not to try to mess up his action. Will assures him that he wouldn't dream of it. And then Will goes to his room, where he checks out the Swede Dreams website and finds that the picture of Jason and Marco has already been posted. That is a pretty remarkable camera -- it has a wireless internet connection and web design capabilities. Commercials.
MH. Barthelona. Jackie climbs into bed. At first, I thought she and Emma were sharing a bed, but they're actually in separate twin beds with one long headboard between them. Emma says goodnight to Jackie, who responds, "Yeah, good night. Well, it would be if John was giving me one." That's our Jackie. She puts the "ass" in "class." Speaking of John, he arrives at his room to find the pilot naked and entertaining a lady friend. So, of course, he knocks on Jackie and Emma's door. Jackie lets him in and he explains the situation. Emma is awake, but doesn't move or give any sign. John prepares to sleep on the floor, but before he does, Jackie tries to get him to remove some of his clothes.
TWW. Forrest asks Vinick if he would favor reimporting prescription drugs from Canada, where prices are much lower. Vinick is opposed to Canadian price controls, which he claims punish drug companies. He asks, "You know how many lifesaving drugs are invented in Canada? None." To which I have just one thing to say: Insulin. Jackass. ["Yeah! Although technically, insulin was a naturally biologically occurring hormone before it was available in prescription form, but still." -- Wing Chun] Vinick argues that U.S. drug companies have developed drugs that save lives and reduce costs by eliminating the need for more costly treatments (like surgery). Blah blah blah, AIDS drugs are too expensive in Africa, blah blah blah, they've gone down dramatically. Vinick suggests that it's the fault of African governments that people are dying of AIDS. Santos says the solution for that is debt relief. Vinick supports debt relief, but thinks it won't really solve anything. Forrest asks what will help, and Vinick says, "Tax cuts." He claims that taxes in some African nations are too high, and that the punishing tax rates make investment impossible. And then he claims that the reason the tax rates are so high is because those nations are trying to prove that they can repay their debts. Which leads me to believe that removing those debts would enable those nations to lower their tax rates. But what do I know? They're shooting Vinick from a low angle at the end of this scene, and he looks positively cadaverous. Kind of like Grandpa Skeletor. Commercials.
MH. Back at the sexy flat, Jason, Marco, and the Swedes are playing strip poker. I see London, I see France, I see Swedish breasts. Hmmm, that really doesn't scan. The girls win a hand, and Jason and Marco start to unbutton their shirts. Speaking Swede stops them, explaining that since the girls took off each other's shirts, the boys have to do the same. All while Silent Swede takes pictures. The boys decide to go along with it after Speaking Swede threatens to cut off their access to her Swedish panties. But then they act like total prisses about it while they're unbuttoning each other's shirts. Come on, everybody knows that real men aren't afraid to get naked and wrestle with each other. At least, that's what I've read on the internet. While the boys strip, Speaking Swede offers to get more drinks. Jason tells Marco that the girls must be cheating in order to win, since the boys are already cheating by using marked cards. Speaking Swede is pouring the drinks, but Lehann walks in on her just as she drops some powder into a couple of them. Lehann demonstrates why she's the brains of the outfit when she starts yelling at Speaking Swede. Jason takes the Swedes' side, but they start getting dressed and prepare to leave. Jason won't hear of them going out into the dangerous city alone, so he calls for a cab so that he and Marco can do the chivalrous thing and escort them back to their hotel. Marco doesn't want to go, but Jason tells him, "Stop being such a mummy's boy. Now go get your toothbrush and I'll call the cab." Heh.
MH. Barthelona. Emma is still awake, but not moving. John is sleeping on the floor in between the two beds. Jackie stealthily crawls out of bed and right on top of John. He tells her "no" for about one-half second, but her head quickly descends toward his crotch, and he loses all ability to speak or move. Because apparently, mouth-to-penis contact is as paralyzing as the poison of the famous blowfish. Poor Emma has to hear all of the sighing and moaning. Not to mention the slurping.
TWW. Forrest asks Santos what he would do to increase job security. Blah blah blah, job retraining. Santos thinks he can create a million jobs in his first term. Forrest asks Vinick how many jobs he would create in his first term. What is this, an auction? Vinick tells him that he wouldn't create any jobs, because it's not the President who creates jobs, it's entrepreneurs and private industry: "The President's job is to get out of their way." Santos thinks Vinick will "get out of the way" when corrupt executive are plundering companies. He actually says the word "Enron," which we've never heard on The West Wing, and which I think many fans assumed was not part of the show's universe. Vinick asserts that he'll be tough on white-collar crime. They argue about the responsibilities of large companies to honor pension promises and the fact that those promises make it impossible for those companies to compete. You know, that's what I do for a living, and even I'm bored. Vinick says that "an unthinking liberal" will call corporate leaders criminals. Santos interrupts him and tells him not to put words in his mouth. Vinick clarifies that he doesn't think Santos would say that: "You're not an unthinking liberal. Are you?" Santos defends the "liberal" tag by claiming that "liberals ended slavery in this country." Vinick notes that a Republican ended slavery, and Santos quickly responds that Lincoln was a liberal Republican: "What happened to them? They got run out of your party. What did liberals do that was so offensive to the liberal party?" Santos tells us all the neat things liberals have done, like ensuring the right to vote, promoting civil rights, creating Social Security, and protecting the environment. Santos tells Vinick that he's proud to be called a liberal.
MH. The Swedes stop the cab at the airport (instead of at the hotel). Speaking Swede tells Jason that they want to have sex with the two of them, but that doing it in the hotel would be boring. Not if you know what you're doing. Although I suppose with Jason there, it probably would be boring. Instead, she wants Jason and Marco to sneak them onto a plane. He tells her that there's no way to do that. But when the Swedes threaten to leave, some blood flows to Jason's brain and he gets an idea. He brings them to a room labeled "Training Centre." But it's clearly the set they use for all of the plane scenes. He tells them it's a simulator. Although right now I think it's a stimulator. The Swedes tell the boys that they're pleased, and Jason starts macking on Speaking Swede. She tells him she wants to continue their card game, while Silent (and Sneaky) Swede pulls a flask out of her bag and spikes it with some powder. The girls start undressing the boys to get them to their prior state of half-nakedness, while Silent Swede passes the flask to Jason.
MH. Sometime later, we see Speaking Swede climb off the floor, holding a pair of men's pants in her hands. She asks Silent Swede, "How's yours?" Silent Swede is actually, uh, Other Speaking Swede -- she responds that hers is "out cold." So then the girls strip the boys, drag them together on the floor, arrange them head to crotch, and start snapping pictures. Commercials.
TWW. Forrest notes that a Republican governor has imposed a moratorium on the death penalty in his state. He asks Santos if he would do the same for the federal death penalty. The answer is "yes." He asks Vinick the same thing, and the answer is "no." And that's all either man wants to say on the subject. For once.
MH. Barthelona. Emma, Jackie, and John are eating breakfast as the pilot approaches. Emma takes offense at the pilot's suggestion that John must have gotten busy with the two of them and she walks away from the table. John follows her. The pilot asks Jackie how the night was, and she smiles like the cat that the...well, that ate the canary, we'll just stick with that, as she tells him, "Ain't complaining." At the buffet, Emma accuses John of getting busy with Jackie just to make her jealous. He tells her that he was naturally powerless against her oral charms. Like a bird hypnotized by a snake. Except that here it was the snake that was unable to resist. She storms off and climbs the stairs to the roof for a fag. I mean, a cigarette. Not Will.
TWW. Forrest asks Vinick if we need more gun control. Surprise, surprise, Vinick thinks we don't. Santos notes that he owns three guns himself, and that he thinks there should be bullet control, with every bullet marked and traceable in the event it is used in a crime. I know some people thought Santos's phrasing here was stolen from Chris Rock. The only thing I see being stolen are precious moments of my life as I'm forced to watch this.
MH. Back at the Training Centre, the boys are still asleep -- remarkably, they haven't moved a muscle since the girls posed them. And then Janis leads a group of trainees into the room to show them the simulator. Her piercing voice wakes Marco and Jason, who slowly rise from behind some seats. The trainees start to laugh, and Janis asks them all to leave. When they're gone, she asks Marco if he has some compulsion to take his clothes off in public places. No -- unfortunately, his compulsion is to allow himself to be drugged by people who take his clothes off in public places. Janis congratulates Jason on finally coming out. She gives them five minutes to get dressed, and then leaves. The boys argue about who had whose dick in whose face. Jason asks Marco if they had sex, and Marco throws up. I would think he would be more used to the drugs by now.
TWW. Forrest asks Santos what the nation's energy policy should be. Santos thinks we need to develop alternative energy resources, "and stop letting the oil companies dictate our energy policy for us while they rack up record-high profits." Vinick accuses Santos of bashing big business. Santos tells Vinick, "I understand that the oil companies have given your campaign a lot of money..." Vinick: "So I'm their puppet? Is that what you're saying?" They argue about whether either of them is under the thumb of particular big donors. Forrest shuts them up. Woohoo!
MH. Barthelona. Jackie tells John and the pilot that the bus to the airport is there, and they all wonder where Emma is. Why, it turns out she's still on the roof. Where she is soon joined by Mr. Tall. He's there to tell her that she ruined his life: because he missed a custody hearing, he's going to lose custody of his daughter. And why were they trying to take custody away from him in the first place? Because he's allegedly unstable, that's why. She tells him she has to leave, but he locks the door to the stairs and throws the key away. Where did he get the keys? I'm guessing from the magical fairy who told him where to find Emma.
TWW. Forrest asks Santos why we shouldn't drill in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge ("ANWAR") if we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Santos points out that ANWAR is only estimated to contain about a year's worth of oil, and he thinks that's not enough to make it worth despoiling a pristine wilderness. Vinick thinks that a year's worth of oil sounds great. And then he asks if Santos has ever been there, and whether Forrest has been there, and whether anyone in the audience has been there. In fact, he asks the audience to clap if they've ever been to ANWAR. None of them clap, so Tinkerbell dies. Anyway, the fact that nobody visits ANWAR means that it's perfectly fine to drill there. But he points out that he would never allow drilling in the Grand Canyon, because so many people visit it. This may be the one point during this debate where I thought they deliberately made Vinick look like an utter moron. The notion that tourism is the only reason to protect the environment is just too pathetic for words. I guess Vinick also thinks we should only preserve the attractive species of animals or the plants that smell nice. And we shouldn't bother to clean up chemical spills that are in places that are already kind of ugly.
MH. Marco and Jason prepare to walk into the Fresh Air employee lounge. Marco is nervous, but Jason tells him that nobody knows, so he should relax. And of course, they get a huge round of applause as they walk into the lounge. Will walks up to them and gives them some pamphlets on coming out, some condoms, and list of people who want Jason's phone number. Jason wonders how everybody heard about it so fast. Will leads them to a computer and shows them the pictures on Swede Dreams. Marco freaks out at the thought that his parents might see it. Do his parents often search the web for homoerotic pornography? Just then, Lehann walks in wearing a t-shirt with the naked picture of Jason and Marco on it. She has a bag full of them, and starts selling them to other flight attendants.
TWW. Forrest asks Santos whether he would support building more nuclear power plants. Santos would not, because we still don't know what to do with the radioactive waste those plants produce. Vinick claims that nuclear power is completely safe and dependable. Santos scoffs, and claims that the government should support the development of alternative energy sources. Vinick thinks the market will do that just fine on its own, and points to the success of hybrid cars like the Prius as proof of this. Santos thinks the market will not react in time to prevent global warming. Now it's Vinick's turn to scoff. They step away from their podiums to yell at each other about global warming. Once again, Forrest becomes my hero as he shuts them up.
MH. Barthelona. Mr. Tall keeps yelling, Emma is scared. Blah blah blah. John walks out onto an adjoining roof or something. Somehow, he makes his way to Emma's roof and tries to get Mr. Tall to calm down. But Mr. Tall just gets more excited, telling Emma, "I'm gonna make you suffer," and runs at her. John is incredibly slow in trying to head him off. Mr. Tall tells Emma, "You're gonna take this moment to your grave." And then he throws himself off the roof. And that's why I only fly on airlines with assigned seats. Emma cries, and John comforts her.
TWW. Forrest has one last question on energy, asking Santos what he would do to ensure a dependable source of foreign oil for the foreseeable future. Santos starts by pledging that he will never go to war for oil. See, this is one of those things that just doesn't make sense in the context of the show. We've never seen the slightest hint that the Bartlet administration considered or was accused of going to war for oil, and we haven't heard any claims that earlier administrations did anything similar. So why is this an issue for Santos? In any case, Santos invites Vinick to take the same pledge, right there. Vinick refuses, arguing that it's (a) stupid and (b) beneath the dignity of the office of the President. He notes that we'll always be able to buy oil, because the nations that sell it will always need customers. I think this ignores the fact that there are more and more customers in the world willing to pay for the oil that's out there. Vinick points out that Canada is the largest supplier of oil to the U.S. If that's true, I say invade 'em now, before those homo-lovin' socialists decide to keep it all for themselves. ["You better give us our softwood lumber money back or we'll just sell it to China instead." -- Wing Chun]
MH. In London, the t-shirts are everywhere. Janis enters the lounge and yells at some people for doing something. Marco asks to speak with her. He wants to tell her that he was tricked and drugged, but she thinks he should be more worried about whether she's reported him to the higher-ups. He tells her he assumed that she already had, but she tells him that seeing Jason made a fool of was good enough for her, and that she doesn't plan to report this incident of public nudity. She walks away, but he follows her to tell her that he didn't actually have sex with Jason. Janis asks him, "Why would I care?" You guys, I kind of love Janis.
TWW. We move on to closing statements. Santos tells us that Vinick has acknowledged that he has no plans for anything other than tax cuts, and that the country needs a President who will lead, and not just wait around for the market to solve every problem. Santos asks voters to consider what kind of leadership qualities they want in a President, and suggests that he's the guy who has 'em. He points out that other people have asked whether the U.S. is ready for a Latino President. He tells the audience that he has never asked if the country was ready for a Latino anything. He's only asked if he himself was ready for whatever task was in front of him. He claims that he is ready to be President, and asks for our vote.
MH. At the end of the work day, Jason and Lehann walk into the lounge. People are still ragging him about the t-shirt. One little queen tells him, "I always thought you were a homophobic twat." Jason: "I am." He asks Lehann to go along with him, announces that he's not gay, and then dips her back for a dramatic kiss. Everyone applauds. And then he looks at her, and we hear her voice from earlier asking him if he's ever been in love with a woman. Oh, Lehann. You can do much better than Jason.
TWW. Vinick gives his closing statement. He thinks that the two candidates have presented very different philosophies in the debate. Santos has more confidence in government. Vinick claims that he has more confidence in freedom. He asserts that we all want a government we can believe in, and a government that can actually do the tasks given to it. Vinick tell us that he has the experience to stand up to special interests and make the right choice. He's old, and he wants our vote.
MH. On the flight from Barthelona to London, Emma flashes back to everything we saw just a few moments ago. At least she's traveling as a passenger and not being forced to work through it. (Although I do kind of wish they had put her in a bulkhead seat, just as one final slap in the face to Mr. Tall.) John emerges from the cockpit to see how she's doing. And then he apologizes to her for the sexcapades with Jackie. That's so sweet. "I know you're feeling terribly guilty over having essentially killed a man, but would you please forgive me for accepting a blowjob from a skank while you were sleeping three feet away?" That's the stuff true romance is made of.
TWW. Forrest thanks the two candidates and the audience. The audience applauds, the two candidates shake hands, and their families join them on the stage. In addition to Helen and the kids, Santos is joined by a man and woman we've never seen before. Siblings? In-laws? Winners of a contest? Who knows? Vinick also has quite a gaggle of adult children and grandchildren on stage with him.