By Deborah
Toby makes his way to C.J.'s office through the lobby, where the halls are being decked with you-know-what. No, not Republicans. They're not very decorative. Have you seen some of those guys? Yikes. Toby finds C.J. kneeling on the floor, butt toward us (and you can tell sweeps is over, otherwise this would be Marina Lewinsky in a mini-skirt sharing the wonders of her thong with all and sundry), struggling with a conifer and singing some "ring ding a ling ding"-type Christmas song with some fairly reckless doo-be-do-ing thrown in. I don't know my conifers that well and I care far less about Christmas carols, so feel free to fabricate details for yourselves. If we're lucky, Jed may be along any minute to tell us the tree's name in Latin. Toby, amused, asks what C.J.'s doing. Okay, sure, he's Jewish, but I know he's seen Christmas trees before. C.J. says she's holding up her tree. He wonders if they didn't have anything smaller. C.J.: "Smaller than me is a shrub." Hee. It sure is. C.J. wanted a real tree. Toby refers to some document, saying it's fine, except for some "naked gloating" he excised. C.J.: "We restarted the government, Toby. There was a showdown at the O.K. Corral and we gunned down the Clantons. We're heroes." Toby: "And yet: self-effacing." Carol comes in to tell C.J. that the Waterville Crier is on the line asking for a comment. C.J., up to her shoulder in tree: "No comments for anything called the Crier, the Intelligencer, or the Breeze." I'm with you, lady. Especially on Intelligencer -- what an awful, awful name. Carol explains that the DEA just suspended a Waterville physician's licence for giving a terminally ill patient sufficient narcotics to take an eternal dirt nap. Though Carol doesn't speak of it as flippantly as I. C.J.'s blasé; she says that's what the DEA does with its time. Carol explains to C.J. that Waterville's in Oregon; C.J. dashes to the phone, dropping the tree on Toby, who's sitting on the couch to it. Though we can't see Toby's face, we can feel his peevishness seeping through the needles. He should try not to get any on the carpet.
Oval Office. Abby's drinking tea (Celestial Seasonings Dupont Circle Dandelion with a wee dram of the milk of human kindness stirred in) on the couch while Jed, who's signing stuff at his desk, regales Debbie with the wonder of the fact that all three of his daughters are going to be in one place for Christmas. Jed: "You've never seen that, have you?" Hell, until the beginning of this season, none of us had seen all three of them in one place, period. We'd never even seen Elizabeth at all. Debbie says she hasn't seen that. Jed relays this information to Abby, as if she hadn't heard for herself perfectly well. Abby, whose hair is just...geez, I give up, I've run out of descriptors for this. Anyway, she says: "Maybe year." Jed: "What if she quits before then? She's flighty." Abby says they'll all be there tonight, and that they can be grateful for it. Jed says he is: "But Debbie thinks one night isn't a visit so much as a pit stop." Charlie comes in to say that Liz's family is arriving. Frowsy! Have I used "frowsy"? I don't think so. Whew. Anyway, Abby tells Jed not to bring up the rarity of their visits with the kids. Aw, why not? That's my very favourite part of visiting relatives -- being read the riot act for not visiting more. It definitely pushes "visit more" way up the priority list. Jed says he's not dwelling on it, and that he thinks they should spend Christmas with Liz's in-laws. Abby says they're invited. Jed refuses, saying he still has flashbacks. Abby: "You didn't sit up all night with Jean, sewing ducklings on the stockings." Only the first time I heard it, I thought she said "dumplings." Which is a lot funnier, even if it makes no sense.
Out in the hall, some photographer greets the Bartlets, and Abby asks, "We're not doing photos now, are we? Because I would have at least tried to style this frowsy frightwig instead of merely brandishing my Braun hand mixer in its general direction to intimidate it." The photographer, whose name is Jim, says that they're just doing some candids: "Nothing serious until dinner." Jed advises Jim to get some, before dinner, of the whole family together. Jed and Abby discuss whether Jed should crucify Ellie for telling him she might be late when there's "fair to middling chance" he might not be there himself. Why? Are there Christmas yams that need to be pardoned or something? Jed gripes that he's not asking her to stay a week; it's one meal.
Margaret is sitting opposite Leo's desk, going over upcoming invitations and engagements with him, none of which seems to include Jordan Kendall. I liked her. Leo misses her, I know it. Why is it that the classiest women on the show, like Joey and Jordan, get sidelined for tiresome characters like Mandy, Amy, and Marina Lewinsky? Is there a clause in Allison Janney's contract that says she's not too have too much competition in the classiness category? Leo says that the soirées Margaret's asking him about are maybes. Margaret: "I think we shouldn't go with 'maybes' on the Christmas parties this year, because 'maybe' means I RSVP 'yes' and you cancel ten minutes before it starts, and I have to call and say the honoured guest isn't coming, and you remain Lovable Leo McGarry and I'm the dope who couldn't accurately assess the constraints of your schedule." You tell him, sister! Secretaries and assistants everywhere are cheering. Can I get a witness? Also: "Lovable Leo McGarry"? Who the hell is that? Leo's not listening to Margaret, because he's heard some talking head on the television mention the word "hostages." Margaret rambles on: "And by New Year's, I'm a pariah, I got people hexing my muffins in the Mess...." Leo's on the phone: "Leo McGarry for the Sudan desk, please." This is not the Lovable Leo McGarry, by the way. Leo tells Margaret to get Josh on the call now.
Jed and Abby are still heading for the entrance, as Abby dons a pair of Joey Ramone's old sunglasses and Jed grouses about not wanting to sit to Elizabeth's husband Doug: "I don't want to hear about his kayak." I'll bet Doug doesn't want to hear about your Nobel prize, either. Abby says that if he shows up on time, he can sit wherever he likes. Jed says Abby should tell Ellie that if she's late, she has to sit to Doug. Abby and Jed go outdoors and greet their daughter: "Lizzie!" Abby grabs up grandson Gus, who doesn't look much like the kid who played Gus earlier this season. More kissing and greeting. Jed grabs Gus and goes into Grandpa mode.
Leo's walking along the portico when C.J. catches up with him. He thinks she's there to discuss the hostage thing, but she's talking about the DEA/assisted suicide thing. Neither one has heard about the other's crisis. Their paths cross with Jed's as he carries Gus along to the Residence with the family trailing along. Leo calls Jed aside and tells him quietly, "Twelve relief workers in Sudan got thrown in jail. Congressman's on CNN calling them hostages." Huh. I suppose those 660 people rounded up in Afghanistan after September 11 and rotting in Guantánamo Bay -- without even being criminally charged, and who are now going to be subjected to secret military trials without the application of normal rules of evidence -- are sort of "hostages," too. Gus shows his grandpa that he has a New Hampshire quarter. This twerp has all the personality of lint. I have no idea why they cast him. Jed asks C.J. if she's talked to State, but she explains that she just heard about it herself, and mentions that there's a problem with the DEA. Jed tells them to hang on; he deposits the little moppet with his mother and says he has to deal with something. Jed assures them that they've got all sorts of good stuff planned. The kid looks morose, but he's looked much that way since he got there, so it's hard to tell if he's supposed to be bummed about this. Jed, Leo, and C.J. trudge along the portico back to the Oval Office. Credits.
As they enter Jed's office, Leo explains that the Sudanese authorities say some of the workers were trying to convert the locals to Christianity, "and it's Islamic law in Northern Sudan...." Jed: "So they threw the whole lot of them in jail." Leo says that Congressman Richter called the Sudan desk: two of the incarcerated are constituents of his. Toby's joined them now. C.J. asks if Jed talked to the DEA yesterday. He didn't. Josh arrives, and Jed asks, "Boy, this blew up good and fast, didn't it?" Josh says, "State's treating this like any other foreign arrest; there'll be a consular visit and a trial. Richter isn't satisfied with that." C.J.: "A Sudanese jail, you gotta hope someone back home's making noise." Jed: "Were they proselytizing?" Josh says they don't know: "Richter says no." Right. What else would he say? Josh continues: "He spoke to a junior officer at the Sudan desk, thinks they're blowing it off, so he's trying to bump it up the ladder." C.J.: "'Hostage' is a big word. Particularly at Christmas." Jed tells them to get Richter in there, and asks about the DEA. C.J. explains, adding that there's no federal jurisdiction, so she doesn't know what the DEA thinks it's doing: "They're calling it a violation of the Controlled Substances Act. The narcotic he used is federally controlled." Toby: "So's a handgun." Josh: "Yeah." Toby: "Doesn't turn a shooting into a federal case." Josh: "He makes a point." Jed asks if they're sure it wasn't accidental: "Pain management gone awry?" C.J. says that the doctor involved is making no secret of his intentions. It's legal in Oregon. C.J. adds, "He was assisting a terminal patient to hasten the end of her suffering." Jed: "It's a living." No pun intended, I presume. C.J.: "Well, yes, in Oregon it is." Her briefing is in an hour. Toby thinks they shouldn't comment at all: "It's DOJ's mess. We don't want it." C.J. says they don't want a lot of things. Toby argues, "For four years it's been 'The President does not personally support physician-assisted suicide but believes it is not a federal issue and should be resolved by the voters.'" Jed adds, "State by state. And not by the Drug Enforcement Agency." Toby lectures, "We don't jump into the middle of a bar fight and declare our intention not to act. Let the Attorney General handle it." Jed nods at Leo, who says he'll sit down with the AG. Jed yells to ask Debbie where his family is; she calls out that they're in the Blue Room.
As Josh, C.J., and Toby emerge from the office, Josh runs into Donna, and tells her he needs a sit-down with Richter today. Donna tells Josh that Doug Westin's in his office. Josh wonders why Doug's not with the rest of the family; Donna says that Jed's introducing Gus to the Three Tenors. Josh wonders why a five-year-old would want to meet the Three Tenors. Donna: "I'm pretty sure he doesn't." C.J. smirks, "Doug's your friend!" (Though it sounds more like "Doug's yrpfresz!" I think the sound person should stop putting the microphones up people's asses, or running things through the Richard Schiff Mumblematic X6000-F, or whatever it is they're doing.) Josh claims that Doug is a perfectly nice guy. C.J.: "Speak slowly; you don't want to lose him." Josh exclaims over the fact that they're decking the halls. Donna promises to spring Josh after five minutes with Doug.
Josh greets Doug the Deadly Doofus outside his office, where Doug tells Josh that he swiped his newspaper. Josh says it's government property: "I'm going to have to call the Feds." Doug: "Then I better dash -- see ya!" He pretends to dart away. Eeesh. It's a painfully perfect replication of the kind of lame small talk to which far too many of us are subjected far too often. This stuff makes me cringe. Josh invites Doug in.
In Josh's office, he and Doug make chitchat about the Westins' visit to the White House, and Josh inquires as to Annie's whereabouts. Doug says, "Swim meet. That, and she pierced her eyebrow. Thought we'd keep her off-camera 'till it healed." Why? Will it be invisible then? Josh: "She...on purpose?" Doug: "Every day is a new set of challenges." He goes on to ask about whether Josh is still involved in Congressional recruitment, and mentions that the New Hampshire Congressman, Ken Campbell, is bowing out due to a bad heart. Josh thinks the Democrats will have a good shot at the seat. So does Doug, who wants to run, and seems to expect the help of the Bartlet administration. You can tell from Josh's face that Doug was definitely his choice for the position, right after whichever lawyer's currently defending Michael Jackson and right before Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Margaret brings the Attorney General in to see Leo. Despite the fact that it's the guy who played the creepy pedophile in Happiness (Dylan Baker), Lovable Leo greets him warmly. They make chitchat and then Leo cuts to the chase: "This cowboy over at the DEA, you fire him yet?" The AG hasn't. Leo: "Sooner is better." The AG thinks he has to back up the DEA on this. Leo says that the Controlled Substances Act is meant to regulate drug trafficking, not the practice of medicine. The AG says the doctor in Oregon had a license to dispense narcotics for legitimate medical reasons only. Leo reminds the AG that Oregonians have decided that euthanasia is one such reason, and the moral rectitude of their position is none of the DEA's business. The AG says, "It's not 'assisted' anything -- it's murder." Leo says they're done, and that the AG will be hearing from the President. The AG asks, "The White House interfering with a federal prosecution? You really want to walk that road?" Leo: "You're not a legislative body, Alan. There's only so many times you can pull this before the President..." Alan: "What? Fires me?" Leo turns away and says he doesn't want to have this fight, adding, "But if we do...I win." Alan says, before leaving, "Jed Bartlet's not going to fire me for standing on principle." He seems pretty sure of it.
Toby and C.J. are in Leo's office. I like C.J.'s hair now; it's just straight and flat and not so Klute-y. I wonder if I could wear my hair like that. I really need to change my hair. I've been wearing it the same way since...well, long before Kurt Cobain blew his brains out. Toby's advocating firing the AG. Leo: "We fire him over assisted suicide, it's sixteen verses of 'Grandma got run over by the Bartlets,' now 'till Easter." C.J. says that "no comment" isn't going to play. Toby suggests letting Russell be the front man for it: "We're staring a State of the Union in the face. This is what hijacks the agenda for weeks at a time. This is what we talked about." Leo glances at Toby; Toby looks sheepishly in C.J.'s direction. C.J.'s not sure what's going on, but asks if they need her to leave the room. Leo explains that Toby's taking first chair on the State of the Union, not just writing it. C.J.: "The agenda...That's great." Toby says that if he's doing it, this is not on the agenda. Leo tells him to talk to Will.
Out in the hall, C.J. runs into Elizabeth, greeting her with a hug as "Lizzie B." Or maybe Lizzie Bee. Liz tells C.J. she's going to get a call from a group called The Hunger Plan, who are supposed to be fundraising for the World Food Program and instead are developing freeze-dried peanut butter and jelly. She served on the board for two years and just retired, recommending C.J. in her place. C.J., pleasantly: "You didn't." Liz says they get a small C-22 grant, so it'd be a conflict of interest, and just to tell them C.J. wishes she could but can't: "It'll make 'em feel good just to know you were interested." C.J. thanks her for the heads-up. Liz continues, "We're going to talk about UNESCO..." C.J.: "You going?" Liz: "Yup, and we're going to talk about a guy named Chris Beck I want you to meet." C.J.: "He from UNESCO?" Liz, hustling off with a sly smile, "Nope." "Chris," huh? Man, they really are just fucking with me now. Somebody tell me where to mail the baby-name book. C.J. runs into Debbie in the hall, who asks if she was told about the walk-through at 11:00. C.J. says no, and asks Debbie to handle it. Debbie: "She asked for you." C.J. says she's got a meeting, and asks Debbie to tell her. Debbie: "You can't say 'no' to her, can you?" C.J.: "Not really." Debbie: "I'll see you at 11:00."
Debbie returns to her desk, asking Charlie, "Any word from Ellie?" Charlie tells Debbie that she's running some viral-load reproduction experiment and hopes it will wrap up in time for the dinner. Debbie: "It's a special dinner; it isn't optional." Charlie: "She's a Bartlet. It's been 'special' every day since '62." Ha! Let your snark flag fly, buddy.
Two guys are in the Mural Room, talking about the Sudan situation. One is Shadrach. This is the holiday episode: where are Meshach and Abednego? The other guy must be Congressman Richter, who can't have a cool Wise Man name. Jed comes in and says, "Congressman, you start saying 'hostages,' things get a little out of hand." They shake hands, and Jed greets Shadrach as "Ted." "Ted"? I don't think so. I'm sticking with "Shadrach." Richter says, "Proselytizing's punishable by death over there." Jed confidently says, "They're not gonna do that. Ted spoke with the families, let them know we're waiting on a report from the consular officer. You gotta let it go through channels." Richter says that they barely have an embassy in Sudan. Shadrach says that a consular officer flies in from Cairo whenever there's a problem: "He's on the plane." Richter thinks they should be calling the Prime Minister. Shadrach: "State deals with thousands of these every year. Like it or not, Americans are subject to the laws of the country that they are in." Gee, just like visitors to America are? Richter: "These aren't crack dealers." Jed says they don't arbitrate: "We can't. Not with 193 countries, with as many legal systems." Richter says the hostages didn't break a law: "They were stocking a food warehouse. It was looted as soon as they were arrested. Mr. President, these are young people who've taken a couple of years out of their lives to bring food to a drought-stricken, civil war-riddled nation. Of course they're religious." Excuse me? What an asshat. As though atheists/nontheists/secular humanists/etc. would never consider sacrificing themselves or serving humanity. Richter continues, "Someone asks them what it means to be a Christian, they're going to give an answer. That is not proselytizing." Really? It sure could be. First, we're not actually provided with any information as to whether that's exactly how things happened, and second, so what? You're asked a question. That doesn't mean you automatically get to disregard laws you agreed to obey in order to enter a country. This story is obviously based on that of Heather Mercer and Dayna Curry, workers for a group called Shelter Now, who were imprisoned in Afghanistan for proselytizing in 2001. Man, if they had just set this story in Asia, I could have done an excellent "Youth in Asia" headline for the blurb. Richter insists that the Secretary of State needs to make some calls. Shadrach explains that the minute they know it's a Presidential priority, "they'll hold us up for millions." Richter complains, "I've got twenty-two days of Christmas events ahead of me. I'm not sure I explain to my district that Christians doing charitable works are in a Sudanese jail because we're too cheap to bail them out." Think hard; maybe you'll come up with something.
C.J.'s in her coat and scarf, standing in front of Jed's desk, describing all the folderol attending the lighting of the tree. The camera slowly swings around to show us dear little Gus, in coat and goofy hat, sitting in Jed's chair, listening to all this, quite unmoved. C.J. tells him his mother and grandfather will be along any minute. Kid still says nothing. Seriously, I have met staplers with more verve and personality than this squirt. C.J. -- who must be one of the most highly paid babysitters in the country at the moment -- asks, "So what did you think of the Three Tenors?" Stone silence. If this is supposed to be funny or cute, it's neither. The kid is as compelling as a package of paper towels.
Jed comes out of the Mural Room, and Debbie -- who's been hanging out by the door -- springs to life. Jed asks if Nancy McNally's in her office, and I foolishly get my hopes up, thinking we're going to see Anna Deavere Smith. Debbie thinks so, and suggests that she could send Nancy in right after the tree rehearsal. Jed: "Come again?" Debbie explains that Liz is worried that the little moppet may be overwhelmed by all the hoopla related to the tree-lighting, so they want to practice. Jed says: "Flipping a switch?" Jed thinks: "This is my grandchild? I want a DNA test." He insists that Gus will be fine, and that Ellie can show him, because she did it one year in New Hampshire. Well, I'll bet the crowd for that event wasn't nearly as large as the one for the White House affair. Also, Ellie's nowhere around. Which seems to occur to Jed: "Ellie's not here yet?" Debbie: "Uh...topic for another time." Jed tells Debbie to push the rehearsal, and that he has to talk to Nancy. He stops to demand, "Is Ellie even coming?" Debbie claims that Ellie's working on it. Jed pedegrouses, "One would never know that the leaders of powerful nations respond to my call on a moment's notice." Debbie: "Not at first glance, sir...no." Man, her clothes are awful. She's wearing a tan Mandarin-collared tunic with a Chinese botanical print on it, a long brown vest over it, and a big doofy flower pinned on it with some other crap affixed to the flower.
Toby walks into Will's office which, for reasons I have yet to fully understand, is still to Toby's. Surely somewhere in the OEOB there's a Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue in which they could stick the VPOTUS's Communications Director? I like that Will's working for Russell, but I can't help wondering if the writers actually, you know, thought it all the way through. Toby hands Will a speech insert for Russell's address to the American Nursing Association and walks out, without getting into what it is. Will: "In his first big health-care speech?" Toby says it's going to come up during the question period anyway: "Might as well nip it in the bud." Will follows Toby into his office, asking, "By making his first speech to the medical community about assisted suicide? Are you kidding? Are you people trying to kill me?" Toby: "We're trying to make sure you can move to Oregon and kill yourself." Ha! Toby says they need to place "some distance between the President and..." Will interjects, "You know how this thing polls? Forty-eight percent of Americans consider it a right. Forty-six percent of Americans consider it morally reprehensible. It is the definition of a lose-lose issue." Toby explains, "The AG's back-dooring this on a technicality. We're going to wait until the courts knock it down -- which they will. Meanwhile, he's usurping the policy prerogative of the President! We need somebody to remind the public that it wasn't our decision." Will replies, "You guys are asking me to groom a backwater Congressman..." Toby says they didn't ask him to groom Russell for a Presidential run: "He asked you!" Will says he was chosen by the President. Toby: "He was chosen by the Republicans!" Will mentions that he has a budget to finalize. Toby: "I'm sorry, I'm sure you're going to pull a great Eliza Doolittle here..." Will: "Your confidence is touching." Toby: "Meanwhile, if the Vice-President would be so kind, in between campaign stops, could he do the President this favour?" Will says he'll run it past Russell.
Donna's instructing Josh to look at some catalogues before the end of the day. He complains that Christmas is three weeks away. She says that Chanukah's only two. Josh: "That's plenty of time." Donna: "Who's in charge of shopping?" Josh: "You are." She continues, "The pages are turned down with Post-Its to tell you which of your relatives the gifts are for. If you're happy with the choice, you should initial it at the X. If you're not happy with the choice, you should remember how this goes when you try to do it yourself." Josh is so totally the guy shopping on Christmas Eve as stores are closing, desperately buying the last bobble-head Dick Cheney figurine for his mother, and wondering just how observant a Jew he'd have to be in order to beg off Christmas completely. Josh: "I want polar fleece stuff." Donna: "Who's in charge of shopping?" Josh, weakly: "You are." Just then, Zoey cruises past and Josh perks right up, saying, "Hey!" She's wearing a low-cut, clingy black sweater, a rich brown knee-length leather skirt, and black leather knee-high boots. Or the sweater and boots might be dark brown, hard to tell. She does look fabulous. Josh says "wow" and tells her she looks fantastic. Donna tells her it's good to have her back. Zoey thanks them and keeps going; Josh says under his breath to Donna, "Gosh, she looks great." Dude, that's the boss's daughter. Put your eyes and your tongue back in your head. Donna makes a note on her shopping list: One polar fleece bib.
Donna wanders off as Josh stops to speak to Leo about whether he's still in charge of Congressional recruitment, or if Angela's doing it. So Angela's still around? Leo suggests that they sit down like adults and sort it out between themselves. Josh says he doesn't care, but that it's starting already. Then he tells Leo about Doug. Leo's thrilled, as you can imagine.
Josh and Leo are in the Oval Office, telling Jed about Doug's bid for Congress. Josh says he spoke to some people, including the DCCC, and that nobody's too excited about it. Leo asks if Jed knew about "this thing with Lanthorp Biotech." Jed says that the company was in a nose-dive, and that he knows Doug tried to rescue them. Josh: "He didn't." Leo says the DNC wants to run Mitch Clark, a three-term state legislature guy: "He's got ideas, he's a dealmaker. This has been a Republican seat for a couple of terms. The party doesn't want to risk it with anybody untried." Josh adds, "Even with our endorsement, he might not make it to the primary." I suppose for some districts, that could be "especially" with Bartlet's endorsement. Leo remarks, "Then everybody looks like an idiot." Jed says he'll speak with Doug, but Leo convinces him to let Josh do it.
Will, whose hair seems to get shorter and shorter every episode, comes into the bullpen and tells Toby he spoke to Russell about the euthanasia thing: "He's not comfortable getting into it." He goes into his office, and Toby follows, saying, "I asked you, what, ten minutes ago?" Will: "Well, I'm a bigwig over there; I don't have to make an appointment." Toby, snidely: "You found him, brought it up, carefully considered it, and then decided I can go stuff it?" I love Toby, but I'm almost hoping Will says, "Yes." Instead, he says, "He agreed with my analysis that death plays poorly at Christmas." Toby asks if Will even took it to Russell: "Or did you just walk around the block and come back with your 'no'?" Man. Accusing the guy of out-and-out lying? I think you need to step off a bit there, Tobias. Will replies, "I made your case." Toby chuckles mirthlessly (almost invariably when I need to use that word, it's in connection with Toby) and says, "I should have sent a card." Will: "I'm not your man in the VP's office, Toby. It can't work like that." Toby: "I know who you are: you're the guy we pulled out of Botox Babylon out there, brought to work for the President." As I recall, Will didn't seek or particularly want that job, so maybe you needn't act like you were doing him a huge favour. Will points out that he works for someone else now, adding, "I don't want this to be acrimonious." My God, is that horse ever out of the barn. If you look way down the field, you can see that horse's ass rapidly turning into a vanishing point. Toby responds, with a vaguely threatening expression, "No, you certainly don't." He goes back to his office, saying POTUS will discuss it with VPOTUS. When he reaches his desk, he angrily slaps a pile of documents down on it.
The camera pans across an absolutely awesome gingerbread White House set up on the table in the Roosevelt Room, surrounded by cottony snow and figurines of trees and reindeer (which my adorable four-year-old niece has recently taken to describing as "mooses"). Man, no wonder they couldn't afford to light this show all season: they were scraping their pennies together to pay for this gingerbread masterpiece. Toby's at one end of the table, working alone, and chomping on something. I think he swiped a gummy candy off the White House. C.J. comes in to ask if he's seen the clips Carol dropped off, the headline of one of which is "Attorney General Cracks Down on Doc Peddling Death." Toby: "Catchy." C.J. says that nobody but the locals in Oregon have picked it up yet, except for the Jackson Clarion Ledger. Toby asks, "Jackson, Mississippi?" C.J.: "Home of the steamboat, the mud pie, and Attorney General Alan Fisk. He's talked about running for governor." Toby seems surprised to hear it. C.J. sits down and asks, "Is the Vice-President going to...." Toby says he's working on it. Man, she looks great in red, and she's wearing my favourite shade of it. C.J. thinks maybe it's time for them to "get back into this." Toby thinks they thought it through the first time; she says that was five years ago. He says that Oregon hasn't yet worked out all the kinks. C.J. points out, "The number of suicides among the terminally ill has gone down since they passed it." Toby mutters about a policy of non-intervention. C.J.: "A little lame when there's a 14th Amendment violation in the offing." Toby: "We have no Constitutional right to die. Refuse treatment, yeah, but..." C.J. argues that the framers never considered the notion of degenerative death: "An event which is entirely the creation of modern medicine. We have a right not to reach the end of life in unendurable suffering and agony." We do? Then explain this. Toby says they're not stopping anyone from saving up barbiturates and swallowing them with a bottle of vodka. C.J.: "In order to down the fifty Seconal you have to have control of both the muscles in the hand and the muscles in the esophagus. This is an opportunity and we're dodging it."
Toby thinks for a moment and then says, "C.J., how's your dad?" That really hit me the wrong way the first time I saw it: I thought it was too abrupt and insensitive -- even for Toby -- and I even felt sufficiently needled about it that I made a little choking sound of disbelief mixed with derision. On later viewings, it's not bothered me as much, but then, I knew it was coming. It just didn't sit right with me, and I know some other viewers felt that way, although lots of people seemed to be fine with it. However, I think Richard Schiff delivered the line he was given as well as could be expected, and I don't blame him. C.J. seems slightly thrown by the question, and hesitates before saying, "He's in the hospital. I don't know. I don't know...if he knows the difference." She gets up and walks out. Way to go, Toby.
Josh enters the room in the Residence with the fabulous window, where Doug is rooting through luggage looking for Gus's catcher's mitt. He and Josh make chitchat about Gus's mad baseball skillz (swinging, good; catching, not so much). Josh launches into his little speech, explaining that the DNC seems to want to back Mitch Clark. Doug says that anyone's got a chance: "It's a moderate district. It's poachable." Josh agrees, but indicates that the party is "reticent." Doug: "It's the nepotism thing, isn't it?" Josh thinks that could be part of it. Maybe it could also be the apparent lack of any distinct qualifications for the job, buddy, affable doofus though you may be. Doug says it will come up, and it will pass: "If the worst thing they can say about me is that I'm Jed Bartlet's son-in-law...once the public gets to know me as an individual, it's an entirely different race." Doug wanders into the bedroom, and Josh follows him, asking if he's considered the state legislature: "It's the place to learn. The President started there." Doug: "Come on. I run while Jed's in office, I've got a leg up like no two terms -- six terms -- as a state legislator's ever going to give me. What kind of fool is going to let a moment like that sail by?" Josh, quickly: "I don't know." Doug finds Gus's tiny glove and adores it, struggling to stick his hand in it. Doug thanks Josh for his concern but insists, "I'm a winner, buddy. I'm going to win this."
Zoey comes out of the Oval Office, where Toby's waiting to speak to Jed. Toby asks Zoey if she's back to stay. She says no: "I'm liking New Hampshire." Charlie says that Toby can go in. Toby tells Zoey she looks great. She thanks him as he goes into the Oval Office. Charlie asks Zoey, "People making a fuss?" She smiles and says they are. Charlie: "You don't look that good." She smacks him on the arm. I hope she knows he's lying like a mofo. I can't decide whether I want them to get back together or not. He deserves better; on the other hand, she may have smartened up a whole lot. Plus, he's more likely to get a storyline with her than one with a whole new girlfriend. Unless it's Donna. Seriously, I'm going to start 'shipping Donna and Charlie. Man, that would fry Josh's latkes.
Inside the Oval Office, Toby tells Jed he'd like him to talk to Russell about handling some of the right-to-die flak. Jed says: "Yeah, he said Will brought it up?" Toby is surprised to learn that they've already discussed it. Jed says it won't work, and that Leo's hoping the AG will back down: "If not, C.J. puts it in a Christmas Eve briefing, restates our position, it's gone by Boxing Day." Toby: "We just had a huge victory, and we're looking at a month of Christmas carols, and the official ornament from the state of South Dakota. The press is itching for a story...." Jed says that the court will stop him: "There's no way...." Toby gently interrupts: "One in five patients requesting aid in dying has MS. One in five. Do you know what the questions sound like?" Jed thinks he has a pretty good idea. Toby wants to be sure: "'How long does the President think he has before his MS becomes debilitating?' 'Do his doctors anticipate a speedy decline?' 'Does he have a plan?' 'Does the First Lady have four glass vials and a syringe in a lockbox in the nightstand?'" Somehow Jed manages to keep a ghost of a smile on his face, and when Toby stops, he says, "She may chicken out -- maybe I'll call you." Toby: "That's the conversation, sir. It won't be 'Controlled Substances Act' or 'federal overreaching' or anything else. I don't think we're ready to have that conversation with the American public." Jed stares off in another direction.
Leo ambles over to where Josh is standing by his fax machine (come on, you know he thinks of it as "his") and asks if he spoke to Doug. Josh is all weirdly tentative and deferential in this scene. Things still aren't normal between these two. Leo asks if he took it okay. Josh: "He did, you know, he really did." Leo approves and walks away, followed by Josh, saying nothing. Leo notices that he's being shadowed and asks, "You wanna carry my books or something?" Heh. Josh indicates he's not sure Doug got the message. Leo thinks that if he didn't take it personally, so much the better. Josh thinks Doug still thinks he's running, explaining that he took it more like a cautionary tale. Leo: "Oh, for the luvaGawd..." Josh: "He's resilient, which isn't such a bad thing in a candidate." Or he's obtuse, which is. Leo: "He's going to show up at dinner, popping champagne corks and the President's going to be stuck delivering the news in front of the guy's wife and his mother-in-law. You have to go back and tell him no, in no uncertain terms. Draw a picture if you need it: a ballot in a circle with a line through it." As Leo's barking this order, Josh is nodding and apologizing in such a nervous, obsequious way that it's almost like he's a cartoon character. Yikes. I hope he pulls himself together soon.
Outside the Oval Office, C.J.'s asking Debbie if they can push the rehearsal or whatever to 4:00, because Liz and Gus are running behind schedule. Debbie asks her, as Leo's heading for Jed's door, "Do you want to belly dance for the Joint Chiefs, or shall I?" You can tell Leo's thinking, "Thanks for loading me up with that image." Debbie tells him to go right in.
Leo enters, finding Jed staring out the window. Leo lightly asks if everything's okay. Jed says he's waiting for his daughter and grandson to arrive in order to rehearse the ceremonial switch-flipping: "He had a Fisher Price gizmo hooked to the side of his cribs with more cranks and levers than a DC-10, but we're gonna practice...with the switch." Leo mentions that C.J.'s told him the assisted-suicide story is showing up in Mississippi papers. They figure Fisk is feeding it to the media there, and Jed says he wants Fisk in there first thing tomorrow. Leo hands him the consular report from Sudan, and saves Jed the trouble of reading it by playing Exposition Fairy for everyone: "Holly Gilweit and Katherine Melo, ages twenty and twenty-three respectively, had a grand total of eighteens Bibles and a video on the lives of the Apostles." Which is what all the travel guides tell you take when visiting war-torn Islamic countries, along with your money belt, tiny flashlight, and Lomotil tablets. Jed asks, "The NGO know about this?" Leo says they never identified themselves as evangelists; never mentioned religion. Of course not. Jed: "So they're undercover agents?" Leo nods: "Spies for Christ, yeah." Uh...I don't know that that's really the way to look at it. Missionaries aren't spies (though if they were, it would give new meaning to spy movie titles like You Only Live Twice). Jed: "Eighteen Bibles...they couldn't have just talked about loving-kindness and good will towards men?" I very much doubt they could have talked about it without dragging Jesus into it. Jed says, "I just had Berryhill call the Prime Minister of Sudan and issue a stern reprimand for behaviour that I likened to street gangs and petty thieves. We need to issue an apology." Leo says they can't: "Ten other relief workers who weren't distributing anything other than wheat and sorghum are in jail. We've got to stick with our denial." Jed replies, "But they know what was going on." Leo: "And we know. That's where the money comes in. Nancy's waiting downstairs." Jed calls for Debbie and then says to Leo, "Twenty and twenty-three?" Leo says firmly, "Girls." Jed tells Leo: "Toby asked me today if I have a plan for my death. Liz has never asked; [neither has] Zoey. I understand Ellie asked her mother once but I'm not supposed to know about it. I get Toby." Well, actually Toby was just playing the role of the media, so technically, he didn't really ask Jed this.
Debbie knocks, and Jed asks whether they're expecting Liz and Gus. Debbie says they're running late because "there's a disagreement about a bath." Jed: "Nancy McNally is waiting and she's already had her bath." Wonder how he knows that? Maybe he got tired of waiting for Abby to let him out of the Presidential doghouse. I'm just kidding -- please, if there's Jed/Nancy fanfic, I'll thank you to keep it to yourself. Debbie: "I'll tell Liz." Could Lily Tomlin be any more wasted here? And I'm not talking about her state of sobriety. She hands Jed something to sign while he asks Leo if Josh spoke to Doug. Leo indicates that Doug didn't seem to grasp the message. Jed wonders what's not to understand. Leo assures him that Josh will sort it out, and leaves.
Jed turns back to Debbie -- what's with the ghostly pallor on Lily Tomlin? -- and gripes that there are 3.2 billion men in the world: "She picks him." Debbie says she hears Doug had a great pitching arm. Jed and Debbie walk out as he says, "When he was nineteen, sure. She dumped a Rhodes scholar for this guy. Zoey left Charlie for the frog..." "Frog"? Oh, very nice. First, I love how anti-French slurs always seem to fly in American popular culture. And second, if he wants to insult the guy for what he did to his daughter -- which, let's recall, was drug her against her will thereby (knowingly or otherwise) enabling her abduction -- "frog" is the worst he can do? Anyway. He's got more complaints: "Ellie and the guitar player with the purple van. My children choose morons, every one." Debbie remarks, "They say daughters look for their fathers." Jed glares at her.
Jed then launches into the tale of a trip to Egypt some fifteen years ago that all five Bartlets went on, and mentions their Bedouin guide, who called him Abu el Banat. Jed: "And whenever we'd meet another Bedouin man, he'd introduce me as Abu el Banat, and he'd laugh and laugh and then offer me a cup of tea. And I'd go to pay them for the tea and they wouldn't let me. Abu el Banat means 'father of daughters.' They thought the tea was the least they could do." Debbie hands him a file and he continues up the stairs alone. Not to disturb this charming little yarn with troublesome facts, but at least two points need to be made here: first of all, Bedouin hospitality is legendary, and I highly doubt Jed was offered tea for which the host would have expected payment regardless of the sex of Jed's offspring. That just rings completely false. The poorest Bedouins would go without their own meals, if necessary, in order to feed a guest. Second, since TV shows love to drop these colourful little tales about the Arab world without much (if any) context, let me point out that while female infanticide was certainly common in pre-Islamic Arabia, and while there persist many patriarchal cultures -- the officially atheist China and predominantly Hindu India among them -- in which daughters are typically considered a serious liability and not a blessing, one of the many important aspects of the advent of Islam was its prohibition of infanticide along with its insistence that daughters are of equal value to sons. Girls as well as boys are supposed to be a source of joy at birth, are supposed to be treated equally and educated equally and considered equal blessings to the family. There are hadith (sayings of the Prophet Muhammad) indicating that anyone who has three daughters or three sisters and cares after them, disciplines them, and gets them married, and does good to them, will go to Paradise. Such statements and promises are not made lightly in Islam. But I suppose Jed just somehow never ran into any Muslims who might have pointed this out to him.
Charlie comes to the portico door of the Oval Office, where C.J. and Jed are waiting for Gus to show up for the throwing of the light switch. This story of this kid's reticence to throw the damn switch could probably be less engaging, but I'm not sure how. Charlie says that Liz says they should have rehearsed. Uh, weren't they waiting around all damn day for this planned rehearsal? God, stick the kid in front of his Playstation 2 already and forget about him. Let's get on with it. Jed thinks he should go up and see the reluctant moppet. C.J. reminds him that seven thousand people are waiting in the cold to see some lights go on. Zoey comes in, reporting that there's been a lot of noise, and "somebody's in a time-out." Jed: "Gus, or Doug?" Zoey volunteers to go. Jed asks her Secret Service guy if it's okay. He says it is. Jed says it's cold out there, and wonders if she has a coat. Charlie gives Zoey his coat and she says in an offhand way, "You're a prince." Aw. You're damn right he is. Also: frog...prince...get it? Jed puts his arm around her, and they go outside, as the Secret Service guy narrates that "Eagle" and "Bookbag" are moving, and "Bookbag" is replacing "Tonka" (Gus), warning various units to prepare for a possible surge. C.J. remarks to Charlie as they walk behind Jed and Zoey, "She's good." We end up watching Jed and Zoey on a monitor inside the White House, through a French door.
Will comes into his office to find a crew of men assessing what boxes and equipment are needed to move him out. He's told that he's being moved into his new place in the OEOB. He says he doesn't have a place over there. door, Toby shuts his door very firmly as he enters his office, just barely glancing in Will's direction. I think he should have just spray-painted "Don't Fuck With Me" on the glass between their offices. Will signs the form he's supposed to and glances toward Toby. Bye, Will.
Doug returns to Josh's office, mentioning Donna told him Josh was looking for him. Josh asks about how the tree-lighting went; Doug replies, "The lights are on, let's...let's leave it at that." Josh says he thinks he wasn't clear when he spoke to Doug earlier. Doug acknowledges the awkwardness of the situation for everyone. Josh interjects, "We're asking you not to run." Doug asks, "Who's 'we'?" Josh indicates that it's the DNC and the White House. Doug: "The President?" Josh: "If you want to go forward on your own, the White House can't endorse you." Doug smiles and says, "Wow." He sort of chuckles and repeats: "Wow." Josh again recommends the New Hampshire state legislature as a great place to build a network. Doug: "I have a network. I've been working R & D in the New England tech corridor for fifteen years. I got the CEO of Diginet and the CFO of Gansey-McGrath ready to join my finance committee. I've got the guy who ran your boss's New Hampshire primary finding me a campaign manager, and I just spent five hours last Sunday in a duck blind with the editor of the Manchester Union Leader." Sure, but you probably got all these guys on board on their assumption that your father-in-law would be supporting your bid. Let's see how jazzed they are now. He states that he's running for Congress. Josh: "Hal Collins is...you met with Hal?" Doug: "There's a lot of fun to be had with all the 'nobody's good enough for the President's daughter' stuff, but I'm not actually an idiot." Josh can't really come up with any more convincing a response than, "That's...." Doug's gotta go, but he shakes Josh's hand and says he appreciates his time.
Abby, Jed, Zoey, and Liz are at an elegant candlelit table under a large chandelier in a dining room decorated for Christmas. A steward is pouring wine, and Jed is telling Liz that Gus shouldn't be upset, that he can light the tree year. Liz says he's just wound up. Jed asks, "He's not eating?" She points out that it's 8:00, and Gus eats at 5:00. Jed wonders why they didn't eat earlier. Abby: "You're a bright guy and that's a stupid question." Well, happy holidays to you, too, Miss Thing. There are times when I just wish these two would get divorced already. I want to like them as a couple, but there's always been so much snideness and animosity and so little real affection to offset it. I attribute this largely to Sorkin's apparent belief that the only dramatically interesting relationships are ones full of arguing and conflict, which means that we have a lot of lively, if testy, dialogue when people are disagreeing, but far less sense of what got people glued together in the first place, never mind what keeps them that way. Yeah, I know he's not writing the show anymore, but these two are actually still being written as a couple much as he did.
Zoey asks where Doug is; Liz thinks he's making sure Gus is in bed. Jed asks, "Isn't there some kind of person..." Liz: "A nanny is not a substitute for a parent." Jed: "I thought that's exactly what a nanny was." Then ensues a tedious discussion of the alleged chinlessness of the Swedish nanny. Jed wants Doug to be hustled to dinner, but Abby says they can give it ten more minutes. Zoey asks, "Is Ellie..." Jed: "Apparently not." Abby: "Can we give it ten more minutes?" Doug arrives, and Liz acts about Gus. Doug says he's fine: "He's watching a video." Liz seems to think she should go check on him, but Doug insists that the kid is fine, and asks, "What's on the menu?" Abby describes the menu as "absolutely" something, but before she can say more, Doug asks where Ellie is, and Jed grumbles, "We have yet to determine whether medical science can spare Ellie Bartlet for an evening." Abby says they're waiting a bit longer for her. Liz quietly asks Doug, "Did you...?" He says, "Mm-hm." Liz can tell from his expression that it didn't go well.
Doug decides to get a drink. Abby wants to call the steward, but Doug whines about not wanting ice in his Scotch while Liz gives Jed the stink-eye. Jed pretends not to notice. Liz gets up and follows Doug out. Abby, obviously noticing something wrong, asks Jed as soon as they're gone, "What was that?" But Leo arrives at that moment, and Abby manages mostly to conceal her annoyance. Leo apologizes, saying he was told they hadn't begun eating. Jed, with no small amount of sarcasm: "Did you want to sit? We have room." Leo basically indicates that he needs to talk to Jed privately. Jed excuses himself, and they walk off to the side of the room. Leo tells him that two more physicians' licenses were just suspended, and that he asked the AG to come in tomorrow, but that he's getting on a plane, so he's downstairs waiting. The flight's in two hours, so Jed tells Abby and Zoey: "Five minutes. Ellie's still not here; I'll beat her back." Abby announces to a steward that they've lost their quorum. How many Bartlets have to be present in order to transact some turkey?
Jed comes into the Oval Office where the AG is waiting. There's no Secret Service agent inside the room, unless I'm supposed to believe there's a guy standing where the camera operator is. Would they really leave anybody -- even the AG -- alone in the Oval Office, with the doors closed? Yeah, there were probably agents on the portico, but come on. Jed comes in, no greeting, just "Two more doctors? You couldn't wait a year to start campaigning?" Jed tells him, "You don't run for governor from my cabinet." Alan asks, "You really think a run to the right on a couple of pro-life standards is gonna win me Mississippi?" Jed quotes, "'The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to the states respectively.'" Alan inquires, "How long before there's a lawyer arguing, 'We can't limit this to terminal patients; we ought to include the chronically ill?' When is it allowing children to make the decision for the parents?" Jed: "Yes...when is it allowing the state to decide, not families? We'll just start knocking off the weak and the indigent, along with the sick and dying." That's not the plan? Could have fooled me. Jed asks, "When does my administration completely deteriorate into the Third Reich?" Alan: "I'm not suggesting...." But he can't get a word in edgewise; Jed continues, saying that the federal government has no place here: "The question is a moral one, an individual one, a grappling with the nature of life and the purview of God, in which the federal government has no...." Jed smacks his desk and says, "Forget it. You do what you want. The courts are gonna nail you. You were counting on my silence and you just lost it." Jed starts to walk out, as Alan says, "Sir, a public debate...." Jed: "Yeah, I didn't want to get on TV with Oprah and talk about who's gonna cut my meat when the coordination goes. But c'est la vie, the lid's off. You pull this crap one more time, you're fired. Tell Janet 'Merry Christmas.'" He marches out. Well, that was extremely one-sided -- even for this show -- especially for an argument between two Democrats. Fisk hardly got to say anything.
Ellie arrives at dinner, only to find the dining room empty except for stewards, one of whom tells her that her family will be right back. He offers her a drink; she politely declines, and then sits down at the table, resigned.
Jed knocks at the door of Liz's room, which is slightly ajar. He enters, but she doesn't acknowledge him. She seems to be packing -- or maybe unpacking, I can't tell yet. He picks up some of Gus's stuff off the floor, and begins telling her about Mitch Clark. Liz: "Mitchell Clark single-handedly disembowelled managed-care reform. He put together the committee, took credit for creating rate stabilization, and then sold the whole thing down the river. How do you think he's financing a run? He's got board members from Barnstead Mutual writing cheque after cheque." Jed replies, "The district's splitting right much more than in my day." Liz says Josh mentioned something about that: "Apparently he was very helpful." Jed: "Elizabeth...." She complains, "You couldn't give him the courtesy of five minutes? It's one thing to delegate my car loan or Ellie's MCATs to your stuff, but my husband?" Wow. Jed's staff arranges car loans and fixes MCAT results? Huh.
Donna comes into Josh's office where he's looking through the catalogue she marked up gift-wise, and he points to something, asking, "Who's that for?" Donna glances at it and says nothing. Josh: "You picked your own gift?" Well, she doesn't want a bobble-head Dick Cheney doll, bub, I can tell you that. And the only thing she ever read in Heinrich Breckengruber on The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing was the inscription. She says, "I'm in charge of shopping." He insists that he's already gotten her gift. She's not buying it; Christmas is three weeks away. He says he saw it at Thanksgiving and got it then. And then there's a lot of "tell-me/I'm not telling you" stuff. She convinces him to tell her, and he says he got her a gift certificate for Tower Records, so she can go on a spree. You ever notice that are really only two kinds of sprees: spending and killing? Though she manages to control her expression of disappointment for the most part, I don't think Donna's thinking about a shopping spree at the moment. Then he says, "So that's why I need to sit with Approps and find some foreign aid money we can reprogram." Because of Donna's gift certificate? I'm not following. Donna: "What should I tell them it's for?" Josh: "Bribing a dictator, to get illegal missionaries out of Sudan." Donna: "Something I can put on a memo." Josh obliges, pulling this out of his ass: "Reassigning funds from extant authorizations, based on new priorities in East Africa." Donna asks if he minds if she goes to watch the carollers. He doesn't. She trots out in a hurry, and Josh says, "Donna. It's not a gift certificate." She smiles and asks what it is, and then there's some more cutesy "tell me/I'm not telling you" stuff that the 'shippers eat up, but is moving in the opposite direction for the rest of us. He tells her it's socks. She tells him to stop it. He says, "Live with the pain." Believe me, we are. Please: shit or get off the pot. Four years of this foolishness is too much.
Jed's sitting alone at the dining table when Abby comes in and says, "You didn't want to wait for dinner?" Jed replies, "I'm waiting. There's a fruit bowl. Turns out the fruit's real." Abby -- whose hair doesn't look great but looks, at least, more acceptable than I've seen it in ages -- says that Ellie and Zoey went down to watch the carollers because they didn't know how long he'd be. Jed's surprised to hear that Ellie arrived: "She enjoying her stay?" Abby asks if he spoke to Liz. He replies, "I'm not sure if we're going to see her for dinner. That's okay. I've got a picture in my wallet of the three girls together from Acadia in '96." Abby sits down and asks: "It's Doug's fight. Why does she have to get in the middle?" He says it's got to do with more than Doug. Abby: "What, is it about those ice skates we never bought her?" Jed: "That, and the cauliflower incident." Abby, glibly: "We didn't beat them." Yeah, refraining from physically abusing your children definitely qualifies you as Parents of the Year. Jed: "There's still time." They don't seem overly troubled about this, I must say.