By Deborah
Previously on The West Wing: Jed pulled a gag on Toby. Whoever saw fit to remind us of this here ruined the opening scene for some of us.
Titles inform us that the site is the Precinct Four Polling Place, West End Public Library, 24th & L. It's 7:17 AM. Josh votes. Someone gives him a sticker that I guess says "I voted" or "Now mostly Amy-free" or something. Some older guy in a plaid shirt and hooded jacket comes over to him and asks if he's Josh Lyman. The guy wants to ask him about the fact that Bartlet's on the ballot for both the Statehood Party and the Democratic Party, and whether it's okay that he voted for him in both columns. Josh says it's not. Plaid Shirt says he already did. Josh says you can only vote once. Plaid Shirt says POTUS is on the ballot twice. Josh says he's on the ballot more than that. Plaid Shirt announces that he's for statehood. Josh, rubbing his head: "Me too, and yours is a vote we didn't get." Just then another guy, wearing glasses, interrupts. Glasses wants to know if he heard Josh say he's supposed to vote in both columns. Josh patiently explains that you can vote for POTUS in whatever column you want, but only once. A woman in a knitted cloche comes up and says that's right as Plaid Shirt drifts away. Knitted Cloche says she'll tell Glasses a shortcut: "If you just, say, vote for one Democrat, and leave all the rest of the boxes blank, then you voted for all the Democrats." Josh: "Yes. No!" Glasses drifts away. Josh explains you can't vote for a party, you have to vote for a person. Knitted Cloche thinks he's wrong. Josh insists he's not. Knitted Cloche says she left all but one box blank. Josh: "Well, then you voted for none but one candidate." He wants to know if she voted for the President. Knitted Cloche: "Oh, who remembers?" Josh: "It was a minute and a half ago!" She tells him not to be rude. He apologizes and thanks her for voting.
Josh walks toward an escalator as an attractive woman dressed all in red says, "Excuse me." He's slightly testy until he gets a load of her and then he's all "Yes. Hello." Red says, "You're who I think you are, right?" Josh: "I can be anybody you want." Maybe that "Amy-free" sticker's working for ya, Josh. She chuckles and says that's funny. They get on the escalator, and she mentions that she overheard his conversations. Josh: "Just part of the job, ma'am." "Ma'am." Heh. I hope he uses the word "shucks" in here, too. She says he must hear some pretty silly questions. Josh: "Well, I'm just worried, because they all tried to vote for Bartlet, and if this keeps up, we're headed toward the biggest electoral upset in history and nobody's going to be able to figure out why." She says she tells her parents just to rank the candidates in order of preference. Josh: "No!" A woman going down on the escalator to them tells Josh she voted for Bartlet in all three boxes. Josh, as she descends out of conversational range: "No...listen to me, your ballot is invalid." He tells Red hers is, too.
Josh and Red are at the floor now, and he tells her to punch the box to the candidate you prefer once, and nothing else. He starts to walk away, but she keeps up with him and says, "I'm sorry, one more thing: I have a message from Toby Ziegler." Red repeats her comment. Josh stops and looks puzzled: "You know Toby?" She says, "He says...'ten dollars.'" She holds up a bill. Behind her, Plaid Shirt, Glasses, Knitted Cloche and Escalator Lady have gathered to wave at Josh as it dawns on him. He says, all dimply as heck, "I see. You guys are a little troupe. A little acting troupe, with a U." Plaid Shirt approaches him and says, "Yes, sir, we are. Can I give you a card?" Josh: "No." Plaid Shirt replies, "Mr. Ziegler said you were a little edgy on election days, so just to show there are no hard feelings, how about if I go down there and vote for the President right now?" Josh thinks that would be nice, as he turns to leave. Plaid Shirt asks, "Do you happen to know if I need to be...I don't know, pre-registered or something?" Josh stops, his expression weary, then bursts through the doors in front of him and shouts, "Yes!" Credits. Sorkin writes some pretty good pranks, and that would have been much more amusing if it hadn't been so obviously signalled by the "previouslies" that you could use it to bring in a 747 in a snowstorm. If I were him, I'd be pretty mad at whoever thought that was a good idea.
10:00 AM. Senior staff and a few others are meeting in the Roosevelt Room to discuss Bartlet-Hoynes balloons and banners for the expected victory celebrations. Sam doesn't want to see any displays of partisanship, and nixes everything but the American flag. C.J. says she's using the Seal, and that she's putting House and Senate Leadership up there. Sam says, "No balloons, no confetti." C.J. wants to know why. Sam says it's not a party. It's not? When you get re-elected Grand Poobah of the Greatest Superpower Ever, it's not a party? C.J. insists that it's a party. Sam says, "It is, but we won. We don't have to pander." Toby: "Please don't say that." C.J.: "On your birthday, don't we pander to you?" Sam -- quietly to C.J., with just the right amount of suggestiveness (i.e., not too much): "Not as much I'd like." Toby, from the other end of the table: "I'm not kidding." C.J.: "What are you babbling about?" Toby says they haven't won anything yet. C.J. says that the speech is done. Toby says that two speeches are done, and indicates that he wrote one for Bartlet to give if he wins and one for him to give if he loses. Sam: "You wrote a concession?" Of course he did. We know how Toby hates to tempt fate. Toby: "What, do you want to tempt the wrath of the...whatever, from high atop the thing?" Bwah! This is probably my favourite line all season. Sam: "No." Toby: "Then go outside, turn around three times, and spit! What the hell's the matter with you?" I love Toby when he gets religious, superstitious, or metaphysical. Sam chuckles to himself as he sits down, "It's, like, twenty-five degrees outside." Being Canadian, I mentally calculate what that is in Celsius, which Frink taught me to do, so I can figure out that it's about -4 degrees Celsius. Which is rather warmer than it is here right now, let me tell you. Toby: "Go!"
Josh arrives. C.J. can't wait, she puts on some foreign accent and says, "Oh, Mr. Lyman, I see your picture in the magazine. Tell me, if I swallow my ballot, does it still..." Josh grins and replies, "A little Election Day humour, that's great." Sam tells Josh that Toby wrote a concession speech. Josh wonders what possible reason Toby would have for not writing a concession speech. Sam: "The wrath from high atop the thing." Toby, to Josh: "He upped [sic] and said we were gonna..." He doesn't complete the sentence for obvious reasons. Sam shrugs. Josh hollers at Sam, "No, you gotta go outside, turn around three times, and curse." Toby: "Spit." Josh: "Spit! And curse." Toby: "Do everything. Go!" They both start barking, "Go!" at Sam. Sam finally gives in, gets up and leaves, thinking that despite their reputations, Californians couldn't possibly be any flakier than this. Hope none of the press photographers is hanging around outside when he performs this little ritual. Josh says, "These things have a half-life, you know, you can't just..." Toby wants to know when they're meeting . Ed says the first round of exits is at 11:00 AM. Toby says they'll meet then unless there's a reason to meet earlier. Where the heck is Bruno? I mean, I long ago gave up thinking we'd see Shrug or Connie around, but you'd think Bruno might be around to gloat, if nothing else. As the meeting breaks up, C.J. asks to speak to Toby.
Walking to Toby's office, C.J. says there's a little bit of trouble for him. They close the door and C.J. starts, "Listen, I know better than to stick my face in your personal life, except, you know, for sport..." It turns out that Roll Call has found out from the Office of Congress's Attending Physician that Andi's pregnant. Toby wonders when they started doing more than flu vaccinations. C.J. explains they need updated medical records, and Roll Call will connect the dots: "It's gonna be bad for her and bad for you." Toby: "You mean bad for us." C.J. says she can handle the "us" part, but wants to know what Andi's plan is. Toby doesn't know; he says they haven't talked about it. That stretches credulity, doesn't it? He works in the West Wing, she's a Congresswoman, they're divorced and she's pregnant and they haven't discussed the image and spin issues? Rating on the Credulity Strain-o-Meter: 7. Speaking of Andi's being a Congresswoman, shouldn't there be some mention of her needing to campaign for herself, even just a little? Maybe she's uncontested or something, but an offhand reference to that would have helped. C.J. says that Andi has to be "proactive," which is one of my least favourite non-words. Toby knows. C.J. softly says, "It would be nice if we could announce a wedding." Toby: "I'm working on that, thanks." C.J. ascertains that he'll speak to Andi, and then leaves.
Outside his office, C.J. runs into Sam and asks, "Did you..." Sam: "Yes, I turned, I cursed, I spat, it froze." C.J. calls out as she disappears, "You can't be too careful." Sam, mostly to himself: "I think you can." Bonnie tells Sam that Will Bailey's on the phone. Sam sings "Bill Bailey" to himself, substituting "Will" for "Bill." He picks up the phone and says, "Sancho, how you doing?" Will: "I'm Sancho?" Sam says he is. Will says okay. He tells Sam he's got exit polls showing the Democrats are winning. Sam wants to give Will "a nickel's worth of free advice," and tells him that Democrats vote early, as do "die-hards." Sam wants Will to call in every hour. Sam comes out and asks Bonnie if Democrats vote early. She agrees that they do. He asks Ginger about Democrats and die-hards and she agrees that they vote early, too. Sam: "Okay." He wanders off.
Shot of a gorgeous stained-glass window -- they have more beautiful churches and buildings on this show -- and titles inform us it's First Emmanuel Episcopal Church, Manchester, NH. Abby emerges from a striped tent of a voting booth. It's probably just me, but I think there's something questionable about voting in a house of worship. People applaud when Abby comes out, and one of a small group of reporters asks her if she'll tell them whom she voted for. Abby, depositing her vote: "Nobody. I was just fixing my makeup." I'd work on the hair, myself. It's not as bad as in the last episode, but it's still just...I don't know, messy, and there's too much of it. It overpowers her and hides her face. She's pretty tiny, really. Abby's asked how she's spending the rest of the day; she replies, "Filling out Chicago ballots, just pitching in. He's going to be flying around, thanking supporters." Another guy -- a reporter we've seen before but whose name I can't remember, though I want to say "Chris" -- asks if there's any suspense today. Abby says there are about fourteen competitive Senate races and about forty-six House races, and that here in New Hampshire, there's a $600 million bond issue. She adds, "Plus, no one's elected my husband President yet."
Right then, POTUS emerges from his tent to applause and camera flashes. The same reporter asks Bartlet how he would feel if he won the election but lost New Hampshire. Jed: "Better than if I won my home state but lost my home country." Abby signs autographs. Jed: "The only poll that matters closes in seventeen hours." He's asked whether he voted for the bond issue. He cites chapter and verse about not electioneering near a polling booth as he leads them all out. Once he gets near the exit, he says he voted for the bond issue, and that it's going to improve public education without a tax abatement. Outside, there are more reporters and photographers. Katie asks if he has anything to say to Governor Writchie. Jed puts on his best Nelson voice and says, "HA-ha!" No, Jed says he figures that, one way or another, they'll be speaking later tonight, and that he has to get back to work: "You can hockle [sic] Abby for a while -- she's taking the plane." Jed grasps Abby's hand and gives her a quick smooch on the cheek. As Jed walks to his limo, Charlie hands him some stuff to sign. Jed asks Charlie to find him some aspirin. Charlie's somewhat concerned, and wonders about calling the doctor, but Jed says he's fine, and that it's just a headache. Jed: "Just me and you, today, okay? I'm fine. I'll sign these in the car." He gets in the back of the limo by himself and prepares to sign the papers. As he dons his glasses and prepares to put pen to paper, we see that his hand is shaking so much that he can't steady it. These are not little tremors; his hand's really wavering. He says to himself, "Come on..." His hand will not cooperate. He closes the folder, tosses it aside, and says, "Okay, this can wait." He tells the driver, "Let's go!" As they drive off, he rests his hand on his thigh, where it shakes uncontrollably. He puts his left hand over it. The motorcade drives off, leaving the church in the distance.
1:30 PM. Titles inform us that 597,343 votes have been cast for Bartlet; Writchie has 551,794. In California, Wilde has a tiny lead with 16,916 votes; Webb has 16,864. Josh wanders the halls outside his office sighing, "Nothing's happening right now." He announces, to no one in particular (although Donna's in the background), "By the end of the night, 100 million votes will be cast. Polls have been open in the East for six and a half hours. You know how many votes have been cast? One percent." He sighs again. "Everybody votes after work. Not me. I vote first thing." He keeps babbling as Donna goes about her business, glancing at the TV now and then. He mentions that it's raining in Oregon, among other things. He says, "This is like the ionization blackout period." Donna finally asks, "Pumpkin Patch, is there anything I can do to get you to go to the movies for eight hours?" Josh remembers that he has a Senior Staff meeting. Donna asks Josh to do her a favour, and produces a copy of her absentee ballot. She wants him to get Bartlet to sign it, and then she'll frame it. She mentions that POTUS is the first winner she's voted for. Josh looks at her ballot and wonders if it's a joke; he tells her that Toby already pulled his "invalid ballots" gag. Donna: "My ballot's invalid?" Josh: "This isn't a joke?" No, it's just Donna's turn to be the village idiot again. She seems to pull the short straw pretty frequently. Donna's stunned to learn that she voted for Writchie. Josh -- who seems way less annoyed about it than you'd think -- says, "Yeah, your 'picking the winner streak' is probably over." She runs after him saying it's an optical scan ballot, and she drew a line through the Democratic ticket. Josh says that's almost what she did, but apparently she actually drew a line through the Republican ticket and voted for every Republican in Wisconsin. Josh: "I would check; you may have voted for McCarthy." Donna says she's going to rectify it. Josh: "How?" Donna doesn't know, but insists that her vote will be counted. Donna: "I don't want it counted." Josh says he's going into the meeting and wonders if she still wants it signed. Donna: "Give me that!" She rushes off. She looks all the more stupid since Josh sees at a glance that she's done it wrong, when presumably she had all the time in the world to look it over and figure it out.
Josh tells Debbie he's going in. She's busy drawing lots of lines on a paper using a ruler. This whole section is longer than it needs to be and a bit tedious so let's cut to the chase: Debbie has instituted some new rules and conveyed them to the staff via email. One of them is that senior staff may not attend meetings without their briefing memos, because too much time is wasted regurgitating agenda items and priorities for staff members who don't have their memos. Josh doesn't have his. He says he'll remember it time, and tries to go in. Debbie makes him go get his memo for this meeting. Josh leaves, saying, "I'm going to humour the new girl." Debbie: "Appreciate it."
Out in the hall, Josh runs into Charlie, who asks him, "Going to get your briefing memo?" Josh says he is. Debbie tells Charlie that Security just called and wants to speak with him. When Charlie gets out there, he sees Anthony and another hulking fellow about the size of three Anthonys, and much taller. Charlie: "What the hell? Anthony." Charlie walks over to the security desk and says, "Michelle, he's with me." Michelle: "Which one?" Charlie: "The regular-sized one." He asks the big guy who he is; Big Guy introduces himself: "Orlando Kettles, boss, how you doing?" They shake hands. Charlie calls Anthony aside; Anthony says he brought Orlando with him today. Charlie: "Yeah. First of all, they're a little prickly about security around here. You're not down as Anthony-plus-one. You see the guns standing around now?" Anthony explains that his friend's going to Columbus as their starting right tackle. He talks up Orlando's mad football skillz. Charlie wants to know if Anthony's Orlando's agent. Anthony: "We don't have nothing in writing." Anthony's sure dialled down the surly wannabe gangsta 'tude.
Apparently Orlando got caught driving with an open can of Pabst in his hand. Not any beer, mind you: Pabst. That's Pabst Blue Ribbon. They've been brewing that great mountain fresh taste since 1878. Did I mention that it was a can of Pabst he had in the car? Blue Ribbon? Oh, I did? Okay. Charlie turns to Orlando, who's still standing over by Security: "You were driving drunk?" Orlando: "No way, boss." Anthony explains that Orlando passed the breathalyzer but got burned for the open can, and adds that Orlando's going to be kept out of the game because of the can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, with its great mountain fresh taste; Anthony wants Charlie to pull some strings. Charlie doesn't know what Anthony expects of him: "I'm not Officer Krupke. I have a job." Anthony: "Hey, could you try to think back to the days before you were Secretary of State or something? There are good guys and there are bad guys, and when the good guys stop letting you play with them, the bad guys have a recruiting field day." Charlie, if you pull this kid's ass out of the fire, Anthony's going to be bringing a steady stream of juvenile delinquents in here for you to save. On the other hand, that could be your chance at your own spinoff. Charlie wants to know, "When did you start talking like Mickey Spillane?" Anthony: "I don't know. Who's Officer Cupcake?" Hee. I resemble that remark. Charlie: "Okay, you're seeing a musical." Don't do it, Anthony! You don't have to. He can't make you. Well, he probably can, with that whole parole thing. Anthony marvels at Orlando's considerable size and says he's not done growing yet. Good gravy. How much bigger is he going to get? He asks Charlie whom he wants Orlando playing for. Charlie wants to know about any priors Orlando's got. Anthony swears that there's nothing, but then admits that Orlando stole a goat. Charlie starts to ask why, and then decides he doesn't care. He asks Anthony, "You got a Social Security number?" Anthony hands it to Charlie, and Charlie walks over to Orlando and tells him he's not going to practice this afternoon. It's Election Day, and he's going to spend it with Charlie. Orlando doesn't have to think it over for long: "Yeah, man, I done wind sprints and I'll take the swap."
Charlie, Anthony, and Orlando all walk off together. Charlie says, "This is the White House. Frederick Douglass came here. Mondays through Fridays, we wear coats and ties." Charlie taps Anthony with a file folder and says, "That goes for you too, Mugsy." Anthony: "Hey Charlie, not for nothing but just so you know, some of your higher-end places provide a jacket for you." "Not for nothing"? He's clearly been hanging out with this crowd for a while. he'll be saying, "Orlando, maybe not so much for you with the Pabst." Oops! Pabst Blue Ribbon. Charlie tells him he's confusing the White House with the Friar's Club. Well, with all the comedy around here, you can see how he might. Charlie tells Anthony that the people Charlie works with are serious people; he warns Anthony and Orlando not to embarrass him. Orlando: "You got it, boss." Just then, they pass a doorway through which Josh is rushing to get back to the senior staff meeting with his briefing memo. He crashes hard, right into all three-hundred and some odd pounds of Orlando, and falls backward on the floor, slightly bewildered. Orlando says, "Whoa, man, that wasn't cool." Actually, it sort of was. He extends his hand to help Josh up. As Josh collects himself, he says that Orlando should play football. Orlando: "Hey man, I'm trying, but I had an open Pabst, and that's the way that goes." Well, if you don't make the football team, I think that great mountain fresh taste will soothe your jangled nerves. There's a longish shot while Josh watches them walk away. I betcha he's black and blue by the time the polls close.
Debbie comes out of the Oval Office as Josh returns with his memo and tries to go in. Apparently, he's now run afoul of Rule #1, which was that the meetings start on time and if you're not there, you're SOL. Josh: "That's insanity." Debbie: "Well, I'm quite mad." That must be why she's wearing that weird printed outfit in black, navy, white, tan and God knows what else with something that looks like a Koosh Ball affixed at the neck. Josh argues with her; she points out that the rules only apply to Senior Staff meetings. Debbie cites chapter and verse on how the median time that the President's day ends for the last three hundred days works out to 10:20 PM, and he hasn't had a night's sleep in four years. Me neither. Debbie's decided to fix that. ["Obviously, you need a Debbie." -- Wing Chun] Josh tries to get past her again to go in, but Debbie's a bulldog. He finally realizes he's overmatched and states that it's her little part of the store and he respects that. As he leaves, he says, "See what I did there? Respect. No one's bigger than the game." Debbie: "You're an example for the kids." Why doesn't Josh sneak in through Leo's office? Maybe Debbie's already recruited Margaret to her side. I'd think, with Margaret's personality, Debbie'd have no trouble bringing her on board. Margaret's a law-and-order type for sure. Speaking of Leo, where the heck is he?
Out in the hall, Josh runs into Donna, who says she's going out for about twenty minutes. She's going to find someone who'll swap votes with her: a Writchie supporter who'll vote for Bartlet to offset her vote. Yeah, good luck with that. Josh: "Really?" Donna says it's Election Day, and there's nothing to do, so she's doing this. Josh: "And you think it's going to take about twenty minutes?" She says she'll be right back. Her faith in humanity is really touching.
As Donna hustles off, Andi arrives. Josh tries to talk to Toby, and Andi tells Josh that he can't talk. Something about the way she says it makes me think at first that he can't talk because of some physical impediment, not because of time constraints. Toby passes them both in silence. Andi explains that they're going for the first sonogram. Today? Election Day? Seems like a hell of a day to schedule an ultrasound. I wonder if he's keeping quiet because he's worried about jinxing the sonogram, too. Josh helpfully pipes up: "Ooh, big needle! Eighteen inches. Right in the stomach, Toby. Don't look directly at it." Andi tells him that's amniocentesis. Josh: "Hurts like heartbreak." Andi: "You've had that procedure?" Josh: "Not me personally. Toby, when you get there, it's a good idea to slip the nurse something, tell her you're hoping for a smooth second trimester." I really have no idea what he's talking about. There usually aren't nurses at ultrasounds. There are technicians who perform them. Andi: "You grease the nurse?" Toby says Josh is kidding. He asks Andi to give him a second, and says he'll catch up with her. She wanders off, saying, "Hey sports fans, this is getting exciting." Toby asks Josh how much he thinks he should give the nurse -- fifty bucks? Josh advises him to give $100. Toby says okay and hustles off, too.
Just then, Josh notices Sam coming out of the Oval Office and says, "In your life, you have never been on time to this meeting." Sam explains he was merely incredibly late for the meeting right before it. Bonnie comes out and tells him that Will Bailey's on the phone again. Josh thinks the name sounds familiar, and eventually recalls that Will is Wilde's campaign manager. Josh asserts that Wilde is going to lose that campaign by twenty points. Sam seems encouraged to hear it: "You're getting that from the exits?" Josh says he is. Sam: "Great." Josh: "'Great'?" Sam tries to cover: "No, I mean, it's a tough beat, what with dying and all." Sam goes to take his call. Will tells Sam they're still ahead. Sam tells him what Josh said. Will says he's talking about the tracking, the last of which occurred a week ago, after which the DNC left town. Josh comes back at that point to tell Sam he didn't mean exits, before, he meant the tracking, and says all of the stuff Will just said. Sam tells Josh they may have called that putt a little early. Josh takes off and Sam gets back to Will, who asks Sam's help in getting added to the President's satellite, because they could use some radio drive time. Sam says that drive time is when people who work at plants get out of work and "the real Orange County" votes. He adds, "And you turn into a pumpkin." He tells Will not to get his hopes up. Will says he's just trying to cover the spread. Sam hangs up. Back in California, Elsie Snuffin asks Will what Sam said. He tells her. She asks if Will's hopes are up. He lies that they're not. He grabs a bunch of signs and says, "Everybody on the street!" To Elsie: "But we're gonna make history."
Andi's in a hospital gown on a the examination table in a small room softly lit with shafts of light coming through partially open Venetian blinds. I don't know about her, but I'm not even a Congresswoman and I wouldn't want this procedure done in a room with glass on two sides and the shades open. Toby paces around as the technician prepares Andi for the ultrasound. Toby tells her that Roll Call knows about the pregnancy. Andi's not too happy to hear it. She sighs, leans back, and asks why he's telling her now. Toby: "I didn't want to ruin the day for you?" Andi: "Well, okay, but then why are you telling me now?" Toby: "I couldn't help it." Andi wants to know how Roll Call knows, but figures it out as soon as Toby starts to tell her. She says, "Thanks." Toby asks why she's saying that to him. She explains that she's saying it to them. Toby: "Just out of curiosity, how long did you think this pregnancy was going to be covert? These are twins, Andi. You think you're going to go on Meet The Press and Russert's not going to notice you're the size of a school?" Hey, way to be tactful and advance that whole getting-married-again project. He continues: "Why not just come out and say, 'I'm expecting twins. I couldn't be happier. The father's my ex-husband, Toby Ziegler, to whom I'll be remarried on a date to be decided upon. I'm thinking Christmas.'" Andi, quietly and firmly: "I'm not marrying you again." I don't know what the technician is doing now, but it must be getting uncomfortable in there for her. Also, it doesn't take all that long to set up an ultrasound. I've had two of them. Toby makes a small sound of exasperation and says, "Then say the first part, at least." She says, "I hadn't announced it because you don't in the first twelve weeks, because...that's when most of the things go wrong." Toby: "These bodies of yours, I don't know how you live with them." Well, we don't have much friggin' choice, as it turns out. Andi: "You don't seem to mind." Toby: "I like the outsides." Andi shakes her head.
There's a knock on the door and it's Andi's doctor, played by Kris Iyer, a HITG! I feel like I've seen on a dozen or more shows, always playing either a doctor or some generic Arab/Indo-Pak character, sometimes both. He's a cutie. Andi says to Toby, "Honey, if you feel like you're going to get grossed out and faint, you should sit." Toby keeps pacing. Dr. Cutie asks how Andi's been feeling; she says she feels great. He asks if she feels like she's getting enough calcium. Andi: "I don't know. What does that feel like?" Dr. Cutie says, "I don't know either. It's just something we ask. We don't even care about the answer." I'm guessing they must be treating Andi's pregnancy as relatively high risk, given her age (which I'm guessing to be over thirty-five) and the fact that she's having twins, and her history of infertility. Because it's not all that common for a doctor to be at the ultrasound, I don't think. Heck, some women are lucky if they get half an hour with their OB/GYN during the delivery. Toby: "We should draft a release. In fact, let that be my first act of fatherhood, drafting your release. Go back to my roots as we all must go." Andi gives him a mild "talk to the hand" gesture. He continues: "And now you're on offense and not defense." She says she's not going be on either. Toby: "The things we do in our lives, many of them are not voluntary." Andi: "You don't say." She pauses. "I think you performed your first act of fatherhood already." Weird transition from the idea of involuntary actions to "act of fatherhood." I'm not trying to make a big thing out of it, I'm just remarking that it's odd. Also, for those who've been wondering whether the goods for this fertilization were freshly squeezed or frozen, I get the impression from this last comment that it was the former. Toby: "Yes, indeed. So let my second act be throwing you a little press conference." I think to Toby this sounds as romantic as "Let's run away to Provence for the weekend." No wonder he can't get her to remarry him. Seriously, Toby, I think you're going to have to at least tell her you love her and can't live without her and have never stopped loving her for one minute. That's for starters. Andi: "That sounds fine. I myself can't make it, but you have a nice time, honey." Toby asks if he needs to tell her the first rule of damage control. Andi's losing patience now: "No. you don't, but the time you refer to this pregnancy as 'damage control'..." Toby interrupts: "Get the information out early, get it out yourself, do it on your own terms." Andi says that's three rules.
Toby glances up and notices the ultrasound image on the screen, and Andi looks too; they both hear the muffled, slightly damp-sounding "wow-wow" of the heartbeats. Toby: "Andi, you can see their..." He's leaning close to her, sort of behind and above her right shoulder. She grasps his hand and nods, "Uh huh." Toby: "...heads." Andi starts welling up, and she's not the only one. Toby: "I can see heads." Toby touches her chin as she cries and laughs and puts her hand to her mouth. He turns his head toward the wall behind her, resting his cheek against her hair. Aw, just kiss already! Andi blinks back some tears. Yeah, me too. Sorry, I know some of you think this storyline is too soapy but I happen to love it -- and I'm not a soap fan. It's my favourite storyline on the show all season -- not that I've had so many to choose from, but I adore this. I love the idea of these two together -- they have plenty of chemistry. I love the idea of at least one couple on this show being happy together for more than five minutes. I love the idea of Toby becoming a father and having to change and grow in response to that. There's a lot more to life than besting opponents and coming up with the smartest, fastest wisecrack and it's time these people showed some signs of learning it.
4:00 PM. Bartlet: 9,438,042 votes; Writchie: 7,992,713. Wilde: 31,465; Webb: 31,117. Donna's on a street corner, Bartlet pin on her coat, making her pitch to someone: "My vote in Wisconsin is more valuable than your vote in the District. You're getting big value." The guy she's talking to asks her how she figures that. She says it's a foregone conclusion that POTUS will win here, but that Wisconsin's actually in play, and she voted for his guy. He asks how he knows that. My question is, what does it matter? If POTUS is going to win in the District no matter what Donna voted, then what good does it do her to get him another vote here? Donna says she's shown the guy her ballot, and shows it to him again. He objects that it's a photocopy. Donna: "Of course it is. The real one's in Wisconsin." Suspicious Stranger: "Well, how do I know that?" Donna says he doesn't: "This is an honour thing. This is about honour, and democracy." Suspicious Stranger says he's going to go vote, and asks her to please stop talking to him. She calls out after him: "You think I'm going to scam you? I've been out here two and half hours trying to get one vote! You think this is how I make money?"
Just then Sam comes up with two cups of coffee and says gently, "Hey, you know what? No problem shouting in public, but I think..." Donna: "Take off the Bartlet button?" Sam: "Yeah." She sighs and accepts some coffee as Sam says that Josh told him she was still out there. Isn't he sweet? He brought her coffee. What's Josh's excuse? She asks if he wants to "get a muffin." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Sam says, "Yeah, I'll walk you." She asks what's going on. Sam says it's raining in Oregon. Donna says that Josh was talking about that before: "Apparently, all his other problems are solved." Sam explains, "If your guy's going to win big you don't want it to rain. There's less motivation anyway because of the blowout, and you have no idea how fast these things can become a race." Okay, but isn't it the case that Oregon is the only state where 100% of votes are cast by mail? Wouldn't that obviate the weather issue for most voters? Or does everyone wait until the last minute to drop theirs off in person? You know, just in case the night before the election, the incumbent is caught driving around with an open can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in the car, savouring its great mountain fresh taste. You wouldn't want to have already voted in that case.
Sam and Donna arrive at the muffin cart, and Donna orders a banana muffin. It looks like Sam pays for the muffin and then confesses to Donna: "I did something last week." He spills the whole Wilde/Bailey/widow story, concluding, "I must have had too much Pabst Blue Ribbon in the bar with Will. That great mountain fresh taste must have gone to my head." Donna doesn't seem especially surprised. Sam says it didn't cost him anything: there wouldn't be an announcement unless Wilde won, and that was never going to happen: "It's like the Secretary of Agriculture saying, 'Sure, I'm ready to assume the Presidency should the eighteen who come before me die.' Why not?" Donna: "So, why not?" Sam says it's a two-point race right now. Donna says it's very exciting. They start walking again and Sam says it's not, mentioning the prospect of going back on his word to a recent widow. Donna: "Why go back on it?" Sam replies, "Because the alternative is taking ninety days off to go home, lose by twenty points to a Republican Committee Chair I hate, and never be able to run for public office for real, which is something I maybe wouldn't mind doing one day." Donna: "Once five and six o'clock roll around..." She kind of adjusts his lapel. Sam says that's exactly what he was thinking. Donna: "Except..." Sam: "What?" Donna: "There's an El Niño thing going on in Southern California today and..." Sam: "No." Donna says it's supposed to start raining in a few hours. Sam looks slightly anxious and says he's going to go back to the office. As he starts to leave, he remembers something and suggests to Donna that she give him the button. She does.
Charlie comes to find Anthony and Orlando in the Mess; he tells them they're cleared, and that they can come upstairs. Charlie warns Orlando as they start walking, "There are chairs up there that are over two hundred years old. Before you sit in one, I want to see written confirmation from the Army Corps of Engineers that it can support your girth." Charlie asks about the goat theft. He assumes it was a mascot thing. Orlando says it was sweet: "I was just the leg man. You know, Anthony's the brains." Charlie: "Yeah, it had that international-jewel-thief feel to it." Anthony wants to know what they're doing for the rest of the day. Charlie says they're playing videogames and hanging out. Anthony: "Really?" Charlie says he's voting at 8:30 and they're coming with him to watch him vote and then go home. Anthony complains and says they're not going to let him vote. "It's like my face is pressed up against the window." Charlie doesn't care. Neither do I. Orlando says he's old enough to vote. He's nineteen. Charlie asks if he's registered to vote. Orlando thinks he might be, but he doesn't know where. Charlie suggests that they find out.
POTUS comes into the Oval Office, where Debbie and a technician are reprogramming POTUS's phone. He asks what's going on. She explains that line one now reaches her directly. He asks what was wrong with the old way. Before answering, Debbie ascertains that the technician is done and thanks him. He leaves. Jed wants to know why this is better. Debbie says, "You don't care, sir, it just is." He lets that go and mentions that she has new meeting rules. She says she does. He wonders if that's not apt to create some resentment from people who've been here longer than she. He says, "Whatever you may assume, that wasn't a rube sitting out there, Debbie. She ran the Oval Office for two years and a State House before that." Debbie says, "Yes, sir," and reminds him that line one gets her. She puts a Post-It note on the receiver. He wants to know, "What if instead of you I want a dial tone?" You can see how that'd be preferable at times. She says that's line two, but that he's not going to want one. Jed: "Why?" Debbie says she's going to place his outgoing calls. He says she'll place a lot of them. She insists that she needs to place them all. He says he can place his own phone calls. She explains in a matter-of-fact way, "Soon you might not necessarily remember that you did. When I place the call, there's a record, and that's how you'll know and then you won't be worried about it." He takes this with a lot less umbrage than I expected, i.e., none at all. He says, "That's good. That's a good idea." He says there's nothing else, and she leaves. She stops halfway and turns around and says, "You and I haven't met. In my life, I never would have thought she was a rube." Bartlet: "I'm sorry about that." Wow. Who sprinkled a heaping helping of humility on his Cheerios this morning? As Debbie reaches the door, Jed jumps up and says, "Debbie, I have to ask you...are we talking about...did you bring it up because you...noti -- is there some particular thing today you noticed?" She says no, and asks if he feels all right: "Should I call..." Jed: "No, please. I was talking about something else. Line one is you." She says yes and leaves. Jed stands there, glancing out the door after her.
4:00 PM (PST) Bartlet: 39,063,986 votes; Writchie: 32,365,173. Wilde: 41,364; Webb: 41, 374. Will Bailey takes a call from the County Clerk's legal counsel. He complains that there are power outages in the Case Verde precinct in Santa Ana, and that traffic lights are going on and off in his only legitimately Democratic precinct, so he wants to know whom he would have to speak to in her office about election tampering, if he loses by a hundred votes because people can't cross the street. Sounds like the Clerk is getting on the case immediately. Will hangs up and says, "Pull the sound trucks from Laguna Hills. There isn't enough foot traffic. Put 'em in Anaheim." Elsie tries to get his attention, eventually calling him "Willy" just as he shouts, "When the hell's it going to rain?" Will tells Elsie not to call him that. She says, "The die's been cast, big brother. You're making everyone crazy." Will says, "There's a moment after you cast the die but before it hits the table. Breathe wrong and you'll change the way it lands." He bellows, "Can I get a new weather report?" Elsie wanders away, discouraged by her inability to discourage him. Behind Will is a poster that says "CENSORSHIP IS UNAMERICAN." I wonder if that's Sorkin's little gesture (guess which finger) toward the network mentality that forces him to restrain his use of profanity, a grievance he's expressed more than once.
7:15 PM. Bartlet: 41,182,004 votes; Writchie: 34,091,976. Wilde: 41,382; Webb: 41,484. It's dark now, and Donna's pitching some bow-tie-wearing Writchie supporter outside the polling station. Bow Tie wonders why, if Bartlet's so smart, his people don't know how to fill out a ballot. He wonders whether it says that Bartlet's out of touch. As he walks away, Donna yells, "Or maybe it says that even with the President's supporters accidentally voting for the wrong candidate, you're still gonna get creamed, you little fascist! This is an honour thing!" Wow. Overreact much?
Behind Donna, Christian Slater gets out of a cab and asks if someone stole her purse. Donna: "Me? No." He says okay and starts to go, but in typical Donna fashion she spills all: "I'm on a mission and I said I'd be twenty minutes and it's been six hours and it's starting to get kind of cold." Slater says she was shouting at no one. You can sort of see he's wearing a uniform under his trench coat. Donna says, "Little guy. Bow tie." Slater says, "As long as you're okay." He starts to go again, but she decides to give him her pitch, tossing her hair a little bit and asking him if he minds if she asks who he's voting for. He kind of does mind. Donna says that's perfectly fair and asks him instead, "Are you voting for Writchie, or the President?" He says he's going to go inside. Donna: "Lieutenant, I'm not a crazy person and I'm not asking you for the bomb sequence on the USS Essex. Now, be a man and tell me who you're voting for." Lieutenant replies, "Writchie, and you demoted me a rank." Donna: "I'm so sorry. I'm seeing your shoulders now, Lieutenant Commander." He says, "Reese." Donna: "Reese is a nice name. Reese what?" Reese: "Lieutenant Commander Reese. Jack Reese." Donna: "Can I talk to you about something?" He tries to explain to her that this is the first election where he won't have had to cast an absentee ballot, and that he was looking forward to pulling that lever. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Donna pours out her Wisconsin absentee ballot tale. He says he's usually on a Los Angeles class sub in the South China Sea. Donna: "Don't try to trump me here. It's not a battle. We're in this together." He says they're not. She makes her pitch for him to vote for POTUS. He considers it a moment and says, "Yeah, okay." Donna: "Really?" Reese: "Yeah, sounds about right." She gets a big goofy smile on her face: "I'm Donna." Reese: "Jack." She says, "Commander." Reese: "Jack's fine." I'd say she really wants to call you "Commander." I'd run with that if I were you, especially if I spent most of my time sealed in a tin can filled with seamen. Donna asks why he's not on a sub right now. He hasn't been for a little while. Donna: "What's your billet?" He says it used to be Regional Director for the Joint Chiefs of Southeast Asia, but he's just been transferred to Nancy McNally's office. Donna doesn't tell him where she works. He says he's gotta go vote. She pulls out her photocopy of her ballot, but he's not interested: "No, no. It's an honour thing, right?" She smiles and nods. He goes to the door, gallantly holding it for two voters who are exiting, and gives her a brief backward glance as he walks in side. When he's gone, Donna kind of does one little circle of delight on the street before she walks away. I don't know, I didn't really get any chemistry between these two.
8:35 PM. Bartlet: 43,994,784 votes; Writchie: 35,475,855. Wilde: 43,007; Webb: 43,210. In the bullpen, Josh blathers about some results and tells Toby they're only losing Florida by seven: "I think this is going to be bigger than we thought." Toby really could not care less: he's looking at the sonogram: "I stare at this and I stare at this and I don't know which is the boy and which is the girl." Isn't it a little early to be sure about that? Maybe he's just thinking wishfully. He adds, "I suppose that problem will take care of itself. You know, if you stare at them for a while, well, it's pretty gross, but still..." Josh rubs his forehead and interrupts, "Okay, I'm concerned that you've turned completely into another person." At that precise moment, some staffer enters the hallway around the bullpen carrying a bunch of red, white, and blue balloons. Toby: "Hey! I see one victory balloon before this thing is called and..." The staffer can be seen through the glass surrounding the bullpen, racing off as Toby hollers. Toby: "Yeah, you better run!" Heh. That's our Toby. He turns back to Josh: "Huh?" Josh, smiling to himself: "Nothing."
Charlie and Anthony take Orlando to vote for the first time. It's a pretty boring scene. We find out Orlando isn't the sharpest tool in the box, but he's a heckuva football player. Because we couldn't have gleaned all that from any of the foregoing. After he votes, he wants to go again. Hey, this isn't Space Mountain, buddy. Settle down.
Will stands outside in the parking lot glaring at the sky: "Come on!" Elsie comes out and stands near the door, yelling for him to come inside and have some food with them. There's something really weird about her line delivery. Will ignores her. It's pretty windy, and there's definitely a storm coming. Elsie runs over to Will as he throws his arms up like he's Moses trying to part the Red Sea and yells, "Now!" There's thunder, the sky opens and there's an unbelievable deluge. He turns to her in surprise and says, "Jesus!" They're both soaked to the skin immediately, and she asks, "Wow! What else can you do?" Will: "I didn't know I could do that!" He beams at her through the downpour. If you ever wanted to ask her for a date, Will, I'd say now's the time. You probably aren't going to impress her more than this.
8:59 PM. Toby wanders into the bullpen and Josh says, "It's on, you can see it." Toby: "Hey." Josh: "I'm not spitting, I'm not turning around. Union households are beating non-union households in some of these districts." Carol tells C.J. she has a call. C.J. takes it, listens for a brief moment, and says "thanks." As she hangs up and zooms off, Josh asks what that was about. She says he'll see in a minute. Carol announces that it's nine o'clock, and everyone cheers.
C.J. hustles over to the Oval Office, where she runs into Leo outside his office. They don't speak, they just go straight into the Oval Office, where Jed is standing, going over his speech. He says, "I feel like I should be self-deprecating. I mean, it's not inauguration. I could be funny, right? I don't think so. I think it's the wrong note. If I'm thanking campaign staff, maybe." Leo and C.J. just let him ramble on. C.J. pours a drink and says, with a serious expression: "We've got some news." Both she and Leo look as if someone died. Bartlet: "What? What?" Leo finally says, "You're going to win New Hampshire," and lets a broad smile break across his face. Jed smiles a cute little smile. He takes a drink, tosses his file folder on the coffee table, and walks out with C.J. and Leo behind him. I think we've had enough fakeouts for a while. I have, anyway. They walk into the Mural Room, where he receives some applause as people are watching the returns. I guess the people of New Hampshire were more impressed with the debate last week than I was. The three of them stand there smiling. Where the heck is Hoynes?
11:01 PM. Bartlet: 53,766,221 votes; Writchie: 42,992,342. Wilde: 53,622; Webb: 53,710. Bartlet's on stage in what looks like the East Room, which is decorated with lots and lots of red, white, and blue balloons. Everyone's cheering and clapping and whistling. Bartlet begins his speech: "Halfway around the world, in Bosnia and Chechnya, in Rwanda, they dream of the promise we fulfilled today: of a future we choose, for ourselves, together..." Somewhere nearby, Donna finds Sam watching the returns and asks what's going on. He says they're not calling the California 47th. The talking heads are marvelling that it's too close to call. Sam just gives Donna a look as he turns to listen to Jed continue, "Four years ago, we were joined by our highest ideals, by our best hopes. And tonight, we're joined by that same commitment, to open new doors of opportunity and justice!" Abby watches him from the side of the stage. The crowd cheers. Jed: "To ensure the promise of this country is the birthright of all the people!" ["Huh? Weak." -- Wing Chun] More clapping and cheering. Jed continues: "We've achieved so much together, always believing, always knowing that America could be made new again." Abby watches Jed very carefully, noting every little aspect of him. "And so it was, and so it will be again! God bless you all! God bless the United States of America!" The crowd goes wild. Richie Havens's version of "Times They Are A-Changing" begins playing, but it's unclear to me at first whether it's meant to be understood as the music playing in the room, or simply a soundtrack only the viewer hears. If the former, it's certainly an...intriguing choice for an incumbent victory. Balloons and confetti, cheers, and applause. I do think this is the music playing in the room.
Toby and Josh find Sam hanging out by a television. Josh says they're going to skip the parties and head back to the office for a while: "There are nine House races too close to call. Tell him about California!" Toby starts to tell Sam about the California 47th, but Josh interrupts, saying he doesn't tell it well. Josh tells Sam that the dead guy is losing by eighty-eight votes: "It was a perfect storm. Low Republican turnout because the President won the Midwest. Low supporter turnout because Webb didn't have an opponent, and the DNC gave up on it a week ago, so the RNC left town, and they never saw the exits your guy Will Bailey was seeing." Toby adds, "Plus, there was an actual storm." To Josh: "I tell it fine." Sam listens to all this without the slightest expression betraying him. Josh says they're going to be up all night with these: "It's gonna be fun!" Sam says they should go.
Back to Bartlet, gladhanding people from the stage. He briefly considers crowd-surfing, but thinks better of it. Jed and Abby hold hands and wave from the stage. They finally step down and off to the side. Abby: "That was wonderful!" Jed: "That was fun." She asks him how he's feeling. He says he feels great. Abby: "You want a glass of water?" He says he's fine. Abby: "You seem a little dry. You sure you don't want a glass of water?" He's sure. They're not really looking at each other, mostly looking around and nodding at people a bit of a distance away from them. Abby: "Maybe I should get you a glass of water just in case. You can hold it in your hand." He's quiet as the smile fades slightly from his face. He leans over to her and says as quietly as he can over the background noise: "How'd you know?" She says, "You were off the prompter." He says it was just for a minute at the end: "I couldn't see it." Abby: "It's all right." She pauses and then says, "There are going to be more days like this. It starts now. It's going to be harder this time." Jed: "Yeah, I know. We can still have tonight, though, right?" Boy, I honestly cannot remember the last time this show made me cry twice in one episode. Abby's getting slightly emotional as she says looks at him and says confidently, "You got lots of nights. Smart people who love you are gonna have your back." Jed smiles and says, "All right." Just kiss already! And they do! They finally kiss each other -- on the mouth, even, albeit quickly. Wow. I didn't know I could do that. Jed kind of quickly smooches Abby's cheek a couple of times too as C.J. comes up and asks if they want to take another curtain call. Jed kind of makes that subtle gesture he does with his chin toward Abby, and she smiles and says, "Sure." They take each other's hand and go back onto the stage, Jed giving C.J. a quick smooch as they go by. They walk back into the spotlights, holding hands and waving.