Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT The Personal
By Jacob Clifton | Season 6 | Episode 13 | Aired on 11.15.2010
Which is confusing for Larsguinard in many ways, because what if your suddenly child was gay for uncles, and Shane kind of fucks with him about it -- while Silas somehow actually gets sadder at this moment, the moment of the actual kiss, like it's real suddenly -- but then Andy pulls a Virgo and he's all, "I'm saying goodbye to my nephew, who I love, who I'm gonna miss, and who I might never see again." Larsguinard corrects him on the "nephew" thing and everybody in the world shouts "Shut up, Larsguinard," and faux uncle and half-brother bounce with Old Molesty.
Well, Nancy's tied up in the back of a car with zipties and a reporter corpse on top of her, so she's screamin' a little bit. There's composure and then there's corpse adjacency. Guillermo shushes her but she doesn't shush and she squeamishly begs to ride up front with the non-dead people, but of course Guillermo loves this too much to get her out of the trunk. However, Nancy also has that ability to be super annoying and never give up, so eventually they let her up into the backseat. Guillermo has the distinct look of one who feels he has failed.
Nancy swears that Stevie's not at the airport, acts offended that they don't believe her, and then changes the subject with a whisper to how many people have seen the tape of Shane bopping Pilar. Esteban assures her that he has control of the DVD and that if she doesn't produce his heir for him at the airport, he'll have Shane arrested for murder. Nancy goes into total Momma Lion mode and starts talking some real stupid mess about how she knows all this shit, saw all this shit -- bribery extortion blackmail bank accounts missing DEA agents dead journalists in the trunks of sedans -- and Guillermo's like, "Um, we are going to kill you. Unless the FBI's into the dark arts of Ouija or Patricia Arquette is real, I think it'll be okay."
Which, I don't know anything about this stuff. If they showed that video I would just point to Pilar's mouth and say, "This is the part where the corrupt millionairess -- See her? With her hands on both the government and the drug trade there? -- that's where she said she was going to have my family murdered. I don't know if you guys in law enforcement are familiar with gangster things, but I kinda think she could've pulled it off." And they would say "We're putting Shane in jail" and I would say, "Good! Do they have the talking cure in jail? Because between you and me this kid is bananas."
Anyway, Nancy tells Guillermo to shut up in a hilariously bratty way, and then makes the mistake of kitten-talking to Esteban and twice calling him her "husband," so then her husband hauls off and smacks her across the face. Hard, like Phil Stuckey hard. Because how mean to even call him that! I've always liked Esteban and Guillermo, both, so it's kind of nice to see them being so creepy and still so hurt. Like a bug going, "I can't believe I let you put your wasp eggs in my brain!"
Nancy, whose nose is once again bleeding, jokes around about how Esteban spanked her in the limo that one time, and how there are differences between getting punched v. getting slapped around, and he's like, "You kidnapped my son, you kidnapped my son" blah blah, and she calms down for a second before asking if there's even really a reason he's keeping her alive, like, maybe there's a point to be made there. But he just says the point is that she still has Stevie and they are going to find Stevie. Watching them do this, with her handcuffed and him being a stone killer with a lady problem, at all, is somehow still exactly like watching a formerly fantastic couple going through ugly mediation.
Meanwhile at the airport, they're all trying to figure out how to talk like Iceland people. Andy tells Shane to talk like Björk, Schiff asks who that is, Shane tells him he was a Supreme Court nominee from the Reagan administration, Andy picks out a dark-skinned man with facial hair from the line, from among the slurping fat Americans, and lets everybody go by until he's in line behind him, so the guys will be distracted by the automatic profiling and irritated by their Icelandic activities, because racism isn't racist if you're making a statement about racism, not that this show ever makes it all the way back around no matter how hard or constantly they try, and anyhow it's all quite droll.
Shane and Andy do weird accents -- Schiff's using his real passport, which will matter later -- and Andy foreshadows Plan C by producing a note from Stevie's Icelandic mother giving them permission to get through security and meet at the gate. Short bitching session about the TSA, and then Jenji Kohan on her way to somewhere else walks in front of Guillermo, who is wearing those freaky-outy barefoot shoes with the toes that smell like a burning wetsuit, because he's training for a half-marathon, and Nancy's just pulling mean statements out of her ass.
Mostly from boredom, I think, but also because Guillermo is the only boy she didn't ever actually eat and he keeps fooling her into thinking she did and then boom, j/k, and that's gotta rankle. If he didn't always always have to play gay characters due to being the only out actor in the entire universe, I would be okay with making Guillermo gay, but god knows where they'd go from there anyway, on this show.
"You don't look very fit," she says, and later, "You look gay holding my purse," and finally this lady is like, "Nice nosebleed, pretty white lady with the two sketchy Mexicans. Blink once for help and twice for I am on meth regardless of how pretty I am, go back to ignoring me, your good deed for the week has been accomplished."
Nancy doesn't blink, but Esteban does: He sends Guillermo with her to the bathroom. Which is where she will actually get a leg to stand on, due to her lady power being in ebb right now, so she has to go to the only place where lady power is free, and Guillermo... Whatever, I just want him to do a dirty dance. I don't care where it is. Andy calls Nancy for the billionth time, trying to find out which Plan and where she is, but Guillermo is impolite about letting her take calls.
Which: Do they think she has Stevie in a locker at this airport? In Detroit's Terminal Internacional? Why won't they let her talk to her accomplices? Why can't Guillermo be like, "Hey, Blue Eyes, I have your sister-in-law. Meet us in the ladies'."
Nathalie being unavailable still, Andy's forced to wait. Schiff puts on a fishing hat that says JESUS! and tells them that he plans to scare off any strangers on this full flight by saying, "Hello, friend!" And in the instance that the person actually is a Jesus Freak, he will just put some porn on his laptop. Probably kiddie porn.
And in the instance that the person is both a Jesus Freak and a kiddie porn enthusiast, hopefully they will enter into one of those traditional German agreements where somebody cooks up Schiff's sad old-man penis with some garlic, for dinner, and they have it with a nice Eiswine while listening to Rammstein and engaging in a little friendly sodomy. Mr. Holland's Last Opus, as it were. And still this show would be like, "But is it dark enough."
In the WC Guillermo and Nancy argue about bloody nose care until the cleaning lady comes in and yells at him to get the fuck out of there -- which think about that little journey, how Nancy started out having a maid and then being a maid (but secretly better than other maids in her own head) and then she and the maid beat the fuck out of each other and now a maid is saving her -- and Nancy's like, "It's okay, honey. You can step out." Cleaning Lady is like, "Get out of here before you freak people out. Go on!" Nancy "jokes" that the lady might call security if he doesn't leave, and he does that bruised-eyes angry face he does, and Nancy immediately dances over to ask her for her cell phone.
"Did Mr. Freaky Shoes do that to you?" she asks, and Nancy's like, "Kinda, yeah." She calls Andy and all she'll say is, "It's Pl