Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT When They Do the Double-Dutch
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 8 | Aired on 07.27.2009
"Bernardo Botwin. I'll think about it." Andy appears, pointing out that Bernardo is killed by Tony, and she offers to name him Andy Junior. "That's what I call my penis!" he laughs delightedly, and then remembers that he's no longer allowed to be juvenile and/or crack jokes with Nancy: to stop playing doctor and become a real one. To Nancy's joy, he decides he wants to be the father, but really really, like, 50% ownership, half the voting shares, and a place at the bimah at his Bar Mitzvah. Nancy gets whiplash -- "Wait, he's Jewish now?" -- and he's like, "Reform, but yeah."
They talk about how this is part of Andy becoming a substantial person, and she starts getting into the idea of raising the child with him, handing him over so "papa" can change him. I see this ending poorly. "Let's see what you're packing downstairs," Andy says, and Nancy watches him affectionately, trying this new life on. "WHOA!" he screams suddenly. "Bun's still on the hotdog!" She's like, "Right. Next checkup," but Andy goes off about how he wants a bris and the whole thing. "Oy," she tries.
Doug holds the baby and the whole family is ranged around them, with Audra and a bunch of randoms, whom Shane explains were brought by the rabbi, because you need ten witnesses. The mohel does his deal, and Doug of course jumps about a foot in the air, and then it's time to name the baby and eat. Standing around the food, Shane asks the mohel what he practices on, and the guy deadpans, "Goyim." Shane calls it a "barbaric ritual," and then, weirding Silas right now, mentions that circumcision decreases pleasure. "Paid for my summer house," the guy says, and you can't argue with that. We've gotten much more barbaric for much less than that.
Andy spots Audra rocking out on the Ms. Pac-Man game and gives her a little hell about it, but she admits that it's a fairly awesome game. He says this proves she can look beyond first impressions, distracting her long enough that she dies. (See?) He presses his suit, saying that she's there because she secretly likes him, and she says that she's there because A) Nancy invited her and B) she's addicted to the drama and the danger of the gangster-babydaddy scenario. He tells her she was mean to him on their date, and she was, but she points out she was also being honest. "It was harsh," he says, already much more mature than he was like a week ago, and says it was almost enough that he considered not asking her out again. They flirt, and it is good.
Dean and Celia package up their makeup/pot sachets -- "dimes in the lipsticks, eighths in the compacts, half-ounces in the eyeshadow kit" -- and he gets a little flirty with her. She reminds him to break the news to Silas and Doug before the swelling goes down, and he exposits that she fractured his cheekbone. She coyly admits that she's been working out, since the garage she's squatting in has all that workout equipment, and he appreciates her current physical form, so she flirts right back.
Doug harasses the mohel about his smashed penis, and says he can't see a doctor because he hasn't got insurance, and that he's been taping it to popsicle sticks. "It's turning blue!" he whines, and the guy gets the eff away from him. "Try cherry." I'm so sure, Doug.
Andy and Nancy are cuddling the baby on the couch when Esteban walks in, and she congratulates Andy on the bris: "Now he looks like his daddy!" she says, and Andy grins. "Yeah! And you too, from what I hear," he says, unable to help himself: "But slightly smaller." Esteban, on the way to ruling out Andy as the new daddy, says that no way is his son Jewish, but that pig's out of the barn. "It's an ancient and scholarly religion!" Nancy says nastily, fake-brightly, the one face she makes that I can't love her past: "Disproportionate numbers of Nobel Prize winners..." He could have been that anyway. Whip-smart, all three of his parents.
"Meet my son," Andy says meaningfully: "Avi Melech." Nancy nods, staring right into Esteban's eyes, begging him to hear her: "Avi means 'my father.' And Melech, 'the king.'" He's still your son, she's saying. Even his Hebrew name tells you where he came from. You can still have us, she's saying. Can he hear it? "In English, Stephen Ray Botwin," Andy says -- in Spanish, Esteban Rey.
Does Esteban hear that? Does Andy even know, or did she slip it by him too? Two names, and both of them are a love letter and an apology and the promise that they can work this out. Their son is still between them, theirs alone, even with the cavalry called in and the bris accomplished: he's still the thing that unites them. "Stevie Ray," Andy says, which is enough to make my head spin, and offers Esteban a bagel. Esteban asks her to come speak with him, and she's irritated with him, and afraid, and so angry. She's got those Daredevil Girl eyes happening as she follows him out onto the porch.
"This is unacceptable," Esteban starts, and she rolls her eyes as he starts demanding baptism, priests, church. The tears stand in her eyes. "Sorry, he's Jewish. Snip-snip, eat fish, start saving for law school." See what you made me do? her eyes ask accusingly. Do you see how far I'm willing to go with this, for you? "I am his father, I choose his life." She snaps to attention, having finally been given her opening to say what she's been practicing: "You had your chance to choose, you walked out. I have to think about the baby now," she says, making for the door, and Esteban says this is just more selfishness, not a mother's love. She's offended, considering the whole birth certificate thing that started this mess, and the position it put her into.
Esteban steers them into scarier waters still: "My son's not going to be raised by that pendejo," he barks, and she looks into his eyes: "That pendelo sticks around. He fights for what he loves. He's not a coward." Mission accomplished: Esteban kicks the furniture, throws things around, the whole bit. And now that she's fully angry, but more importantly now that she's said the hurtful things she was saving up to say, she can throw him out.
Esteban calms down immediately, holding up his hands, and she closes the gap between them, quickly; he smiles, thinking she'll kiss him, or hit him, and they will come back together the way they always do. He thinks this is about sex, but it's not: it's about power. His smile only makes him weak. She pushes at him, throwing punches, nearly screaming now: "Get out! My son won't grow up to be like you. He won't see you, he won't know you..."
Esteban grabs her fists, trying again for the clinch, swearing that the child is his, but that's not what he means: he means she is his. And they both know it: "No," she says, "You've lost him." She prays it's true; she promises herself it's true. He breaks the clinch and leaves, slamming the door behind him. Nancy sits down, wondering how she fucked that one up; Andy appears holding their son, and the look in her eyes tells him the whole story.
If you think about it, you can see how her crazy ass got there: how could he take this offer, this good faith offer of reconciliation, and throw it in her face like that? All she did was consecrate their child to another religion and name another man as the father. That's like a regular Monday for her. How could he be so blind to the declaration of love it so obviously was?