Previously, Nancy set a whole lot of shit (her house, her town, her family) on fire. The credits run, and it's Malvina Reynolds back on the mic, burning-up Majestic before our eyes.
Celia is in the interrogation room with Till, getting questioned about her involvement with the grow house. She sasses him, he harasses her. She tries to turn the conversation back to the "drug things" she's in there to talk about, but all he wants to talk about is whether or not she likes to be on top. Celia insists that she was only renting the house to a friend in order to make money, and then declares that Till needs to question -- carefully enunciated -- "Nancy Botwin."
And as quick as that, she's there. God do I love this hot mess. The Botwins are at a roadside rest stop, Nancy and Shane (who seems to have discovered his pituitary gland during the hiatus) are at a picnic table trying to avoid bird shit raining from the sky. I have a feeling shit will continue raining from the sky on these folks for quite some time. Andy runs out and is reliably overexcited about the scatological graffiti in the bathroom. Shane complains that Nancy smells like gasoline while Nancy mumbles some weak denials of this fact. Silas walks up and the two boys start asking questions about where they're going and whether they're on the run. Nancy says they're going to visit their Bubbie, who Andy informs us hates Nancy because she isn't Jewish and thinks Silas has a "face like a goy." Silas joins the "mommy smells like a Citgo" chorus and Nancy wonders aloud "why am I not smelling it?" but then offers to drive the van while the three boys take the Prius. Another bird comes shooting out of the sky and Nancy shoos it away. She walks away from the group and starts emptying some items -- one of which appears to be a bag of pot? -- into the trash can. Apropos of nothing the boys have said, she turns to them and yells across "Okay, fine! I spilled gas on myself when I was pouring it on the furniture." Andy, Shane, and Silas stare at her in disbelief as she confesses to setting the house on fire and then tells them that "it's time to move on."
Back in the interrogation room, Celia tries to name names, except ends up sounding like she's telling a "walks into a bar" joke with the mentions of the "blacks," "the gay Indian kid" and "the Christian girl." Till continues to try to seduce her in the most demented manner imaginable, somehow turning a mention of "a parasitic twin growing out of my stomach" into an invitation for her to take his shirt off. Celia tells him he's pathetic and he tells her she'll be spending the night there. He offers to have someone bring her a "diet pop" and when she tries to clarify, "Diet Coke" he utters some truly disturbing words: "No. Diet Shasta. In a can. Room temperature. No straw." I smell a Supreme Court appeal with that kind of cruel and unusual punishment.
Nancy is sitting outside Bubbie's house at the beach, humoring a little kid who wants her to watch him do some sick moves with his Heelys. Andy, Shane, and Silas arrive. Shane is still mad about his mother burning their house down until Nancy assures him she got the important stuff, the photo album and boxes of photos, et cetera. I don't believe her for a second. Andy picked Nancy up some spaetzle at a German deli in Carlsbad, and the Botwins discuss whether or not Bubbie is inside or out on a walk and whether or not she has a dog inside; Nancy said when she rang the doorbell a dog started barking its head off inside. The little neighbor kid pipes up and tells them that Bubbie has no dog. Nancy informs her boys that this is "Rad"-- pause-- "that's his name, Rad" and that he's ten, has read the whole Narnia series, has moved onto His Dark Materials, has divorced parents, favorite color is green, and on and on, in order to inform Andy, Shane, and Silas that she's been there waiting for them for a long time. Rad shows them all that there's no real dog inside, it's just the doorbell rigged up to sound like a vicious barking dog. Andy takes Shane around the side of the house to break in; moments later, Shane opens the front door and declares that they can't stay there.
Back in Majestic, Doug and Dean sit in the alley behind the evacuation center, smoking out and pretending like the ash falling from the sky is snow. Doug declares that it "tastes like loss" and then gets excited over the prospect of combining FEMA vouchers with Dean to get a "ginormous dude suite." Dean reminds him of Isabelle, but Doug says she's almost a dude. Doug wants to know whether or not the injured Dean still poops himself and after some going 'round the subject, clarifies the situation for us all: "you used to poop yourself but now you don't." A federal agent approaches them, Doug explains that Dean has a doctor's note for the joint he has in his hand.
The Botwins crowd around Bubbie, who is apparently unconscious and on a respirator. Shane wonders if she's just taking a nap and Andy checks by telling her that he's going to go in her purse and take all her five-dollar bills. When she doesn't respond, Andy confirms that she is not taking a nap or faking it. Nancy makes a mental note to start taking fish oil. Silas gets off the phone and tells them that the nurse was fired and a family member took over Bubbie's care. At this, Andy goes nuts and Nancy tries to assure him that "we don't know for sure." But then Andy sees the signs everywhere -- missing paintings, missing tchotckes, Franzia and some sort of processed, encased meat. Just then "he" comes in, and "he" is apparently Albert Brooks -- Andy and Judah's dad. Oh, shit.
Sanjay, Doug, Dean, and Isabelle are in the waiting room at the DEA offices. Doug and Dean are totally baked, Sanjay is worried that going to prison and getting raped there will make him not like being gay, and Isabelle is the only one talking any sense. She tells them all to get their stories straight, that they're going to want to know who was running things. Dean suggests they turn in Conrad and Heylia. Sanjay says they're long gone and Doug feels the injustice of it all: "Of course they are. The black guys never go to jail." As Doug gets called in, Isabelle whispers to him "you know the name, use it." Cut to them all turning Celia in, talking about how fierce she is and then pretending to not know anything about sweet little Nancy Botwin. Ice cold, man.
At the beach, Dad Botwin and Andy go at it. Andy accuses him of leaving Bubbie while he went to the track, Dad Botwin is pissed that Andy just busted in there and "with Not-Francie no less." Shane is confused and Dad Botwin explains that Francie is the woman that Judah should have married; she's an eye doctor with tiny hands that bring sight to the blind who married a cantor and has four children. Nancy shuffles by with a plate of food and sits down behind a TV tray. Dad Botwin asks her what she's eating and she tells him that it's "Spiegelbratten, ratten, spaetzle, I don't know." Dad Botwin is incredulous: "You're sitting in my mother's living room, eating German food and smelling like gas. She was in Auschwitz for Christ's sake. What kind of a monster are you?" Nancy doesn't miss a beat, tells him that it's been twenty years and he needs to get over it. They go at it some more, back and forth, until Nancy works a mention of her burned-down house into the backbiting conversation. Andy suggests they just get a hotel and get away from the family cesspool but Nancy tells him only very slightly under her breath that she'd rather not leave a paper trail with a credit card purchase. Dad Botwin perks up at that: "What are you on the run?" He says that he can at least get his mind around that problem, and assigns them all rooms. Nancy gives him a kiss, and Dad Botwin wonders what Andy did to get them on the run.
Andy is uncharacteristically shuffly and self-conscious and wants to know why his father always treated him so much worse than he treated Judah. Dad Botwin says he's never been sure Andy was his son and so he kept some emotional distance, and then segues into your standard father-son topics by informing Andy that he (Dad) "gets laid all the time and I shit like a Swiss train, you should be so lucky." He tells Andy to go in the kitchen because he has to change grandma's diaper and clean her feeding tube. "It's not going to be pretty." Andy says he can handle it, but scurries into the kitchen at the first sound of Velcro. Dad Botwin says that he likes Shane, despite his "stupid cowboy name" because he at least doesn't look like a Goy. One more heave to roll grandma over and Andy is cowering in the corner.
Celia has moved from interrogation room to orange prison jumpsuit. She tells Till through the Plexiglas phone that everyone is lying and then tries the "I think you're cute" routine which isn't so much working at this point. I'm really hoping for a Heylia-orchestrated escape for Celia.
Back at Bubbie's, Andy comes into Nancy's room and starts talking entirely too much about how much he masturbated when he would stay in this house as a kid. As in, saying things like "My old stains are still on the wall." Nancy gracefully changes the subject and gets him talking about the old days staying the summers there. Andy confesses that Judah showed him pictures of Nancy naked before. She turns to him with a beaming smile and calls bullshit. Is it just me or does Nancy look like she's picked herself up some Prozac? But Andy is telling the truth for once, and as he describes the "silver-sequined bowler hat" she was wearing in the pictures, she continues to beam while saying "That asshole! He swore he'd destroy them!" This conversation is like a conversation between two actual, alive people, and not an Automated Grief Machine and Missing Link Sex Maniac. They discuss how the whole house is a little overkill with all the pictures of golden boy Judah; Nancy catches sight of one photo of him and remarks on how young and beautiful he was. "Do you really think I made him happy?" Andy asks what they're doing there and Nancy is happy to say they are starting fresh in a place with houses built before 1997. Andy is worried, and wants to know about the plan. She narrows her eyes and Prozacs that she's maybe got a plan, she might have one, or maybe it's a plan in the planning stages. He wants to know if he should be worried and she tells him that of course he should, it's the drug business. But also to put it out of his mind, "think happy thoughts." Andy looks stricken and she wonders why. "I saw my grandmother's vagina," he whispers. And I don't know what to say to that.
Nancy and Guillermo peer through binoculars at the border fence. He wonders if she's ever been to Tijuana, you know, like a crazy white girl weekend, tequila, donkey show and the like. Nancy worries more about the birds swooping around her and then gets the rundown from Guillermo about what the numbers on the wall mean. On one side, it's for law enforcement to know what sections to patrol, on the other, it marks territory for drug runners. Guillermo's crowd has 324 through 666. The irony is not lost on Nancy; in fact it is not lost on anyone, even the non-sentient dust molecules floating around me as I type. We get it; Guillermo is the devil. Nancy wants to know what her job is and Guillermo tells her all she needs to do is be a pretty, white lady. He talks about the big money-- he's two years from retirement now -- and she tells him she won't bring heroin. He remarks on her arbitrary rules, but she sticks to them. Their conversation gets cut short by three guys streaming by with duffle bags presumably stuffed with drugs, who hop into the bed of Guillermo's truck and get under a tarp. He saunters over to them, turns back to Nancy and crows "Welcome to the border!" I think I'm happy to be out of Majestic.