After the credits, the Botwins are still in the great room, watching Majestic being engulfed by wildfires. Too soon! Andy tells Nancy he's heard that arson is a sexual crime, and that Guillermo should have just "rubbed one out." Not with accelerant, though, maybe. Silas overhears, and quickly figures out that Nancy had something to do with it, in order to get the bikers out of the picture. Ignoring her denials, Silas tells Nancy he's proud of her. "Don't be," say Nancy and Andy in unison. Shane, excitedly watching the town's destruction, uses it as an opportunity to bring up Pittsburgh again (and, when Silas throws food at him, to whine to Judah to intervene), but Nancy shuts them both up by ordering them to go pack so they can get the hell out of their poorly constructed shack before the mere whiff of smoke causes it to fall over in defeat.
Another news report brings us over to Celia's, where Pam is standing in the driveway, giving a typically moronic woman-on-the-street interview. The reporter interrupts her to say that there's a mandatory evacuation order in lower Majestic, as we see Celia flitting back and forth from the house to the car behind her. Cut from the report to the regular view: a firetruck parks at the foot of Celia's driveway, blocking her in. She argues with the firefighter in charge, but he's so unimpressed by her that he and his guys run their hose through the open windows of her car. She whines that he'd feel differently if it were his house and stuff, but he snaps back that he lives in a crappy apartment and his ex-wife has all the nice things, which is all it takes for Celia to decide that under his yellow coat is (probably) a fine ass; hell, she lives in Majestic now, so she might as well take it on faith. She tells him she's taking the shuttle to the rec centre where evacuees are temporarily bunking, making sure to give him her number on her way out. I'm not sure it's safe for this guy to consider relations with a woman who's obviously soaked in alcohol, but you never know.
Heylia, Vaneeta, and Conrad, meanwhile, are packing up the contents of the grow house. Vaneeta philosophically says that they already have a lot of the plants, and that either the house will burn and they'll rebuild, or it won't, and they'll go back to work as usual. Heylia is not so sure, and announces that she's too old to keep living on the edge, and intends to start a marijuana club instead. Conrad asks whether she'll buy from him, and she says she will, as long as she doesn't have to know where he's growing, or see his "fucking girlfriend." Conrad teenagers that Nancy isn't his girlfriend, so Heylia corrects herself: "Your cock-charming fuck buddy." She adds that she's done fighting with Conrad over Nancy, since she won't win anyway, but that she hopes Nancy can cook a turkey because she isn't welcome at Heylia's for Thanksgiving. Eh, I'm not sure Nancy's so much with the eating holidays anyway. Before Conrad can try to give Heylia any lip on this front, his phone rings, and of course, it's Nancy, because Conrad doesn't have any other friends.
News report. The fire, it burns! As the reporter wraps up her item and gets ready to get out, the camera pans down to a shuttle, where Dean is being unloaded from a bus under Isabelle's nagging eye. Dean apologizes to the bus driver for her bitchery, but she snaps at him not to be a pussy and reminds him that she's not always going to be there. I guess this is all she can do for him until Celia finally pushes her too far and forces Isabelle to murder her. (Season 6.)
Nancy's. Shane comes into the kitchen with a terrarium containing his two turtles, Franco and Warhol. This is apparently the first Nancy's ever heard of them -- even though Shane's had them for a year -- because...you guys, I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but Nancy's kind of not the world's greatest mom. Shane reaches into a cupboard and pulls out a battered waffle iron box. Nancy wearily tells him that a waffle iron isn't a crucial item to bring to the rec center, but he tells her the box contains important papers. Nancy smiles, remembering that it's Judah's Earthquake Box. Shane says that Judah reminded him about it that morning, and Nancy distractedly tells him to thank Judah for her. Shane whines that Judah doesn't want to leave, and Nancy tries flippant, saying it's a good thing that Judah can't burn, then, but since they can, they should get out. They natter back and forth about it until finally Nancy has Shane point her in the direction of "Judah" so that she can sternly explain to her late husband that they need to go, and asks him to back her up. When "Judah" won't, Nancy leans seriously into Shane's face and insists that they really need to leave; Shane just looks delighted that Nancy is going along with his new routine, and agrees to go pack the car. As he heads off, Andy enters with a laundry basket full of weed, pointing out that people at the rec centre will be bummed out and will probably welcome a chance to smoke their troubles away. I mean, smoke them with a small, contained blaze. Shane asks to go get his seedlings from the grow house, but Nancy refuses, saying she'll go instead. Oh, I'll bet she will. Danger sex!
News report. Mmm, mesquite! Shane's watching it on a big TV in the rec centre. Andy, Silas, and Tara head out to try to make some sales as Doug wanders the aisles of cots, accompanying his inappropriate though Greek chorus-ish crooning on his banjo. Who knew Doug had such great fingering? I mean, other than Celia.
Conrad's tuning in the news on a radio at the grow house when Nancy enters, asking with mild passive-aggression whether his phone is broken. Conrad tells her how he was trying to pack up. Nancy tells him how crazy it was out there. He asks whether she should even be there, and she admits that she had to sneak under a barricade, but promised to go back for Silas's strain. She kind of loiters in the doorway as she pointedly says that she wanted to check and see if there was anything else she could take with her, but Conrad either misses her meaning or ignores it, handing her a garbage bag and telling her to grab what she can -- and not to dole it out too quickly, because it's probably all the product she'll have for a while. "Wildfires," he adds, sighing. "Guillermo fires," Nancy corrects him absently. This is evidently the first Conrad's heard of the fire's actual cause, and Nancy says she doesn't think he intended the fires to spread so far. Conrad says something to the effect that you can't expect better when you make a deal with the devil, but he can't really back it up with much passion at the moment. "Fire, fire on the mountain," quotes Nancy. Conrad looks at her blankly. Nancy: "Grateful Dead?" Uh, no, the reference isn't in Conrad's pop-cultural arsenal because he isn't white. Or a tool. However, this instance of his and Nancy's lack of commonality moves him to ask whether she can cook a turkey. Amused by the out-of-left-field nature of the question, Nancy says she can buy a turkey. Conrad tells her about Heylia's great turkey, which she deep-fries. Nancy nicely says she probably wouldn't go that way, but suggests that she could try cooking a turkey in the microwave. Jesus, you people. Just go out for dinner, who cares! Finally, Conrad squats on the floor with Nancy and asks, "What are you gonna do? If it all burns down -- your house, your suburb." Nancy takes a long moment, and then smiles sadly: "I guess I'd have to go." You might as well -- property values would be in the shitter even if you didn't.
Rec centre. The Segway guy from the neighbourhood rolls up an aisle (so that we can be sure the Segway's going to go off in the third act, I guess), and we see that Nancy has arrived. She grabs a couple of bottles of water and hands them to Isabelle and Shane, sitting on a nearby cot. As she moves along, Celia catches up with her, acting shifty and giddy as hell as she excitedly asks what their move is -- you know, with their conspiracy to traffic marijuana and all. Nancy tries to blow her off by saying they'll regroup later, and Celia makes sure Nancy doesn't forget that Celia's in the group now. As their mothers go their separate ways, Isabelle tells Shane that Nancy has a great ass. Shane sadly tells her not to be gross, and Isabelle immediately says she was just kidding. Shane chooses this moment to ask whether Isabelle is really a lesbian, and by way of answer, she asks him whether he really talks to his dead father. Shane avoids answering by saying he has to go to the bathroom. Brilliant, dude. Name, rank, and serial number. She hasn't got a thing on you.
Enforcing the evacuation order, a bunch of cops and Celia's favorite firefighter break into the grow house, and are not at all prepared for what they see. Especially the firefighter, who recognizes it as the location for Peckers Of The Caribbean. Hee.
Rec centre. Shane's drooping over his turtles as Nancy asks whether Franco is named for the Spanish dictator, but of course not: he's named after Franco Harris, a Hall of Fame Steeler. Nancy firmly tells Shane that they will never move to Pittsburgh, because she can't handle the cold. Shane suggests Tampa as an alternative, but before they can debate it, Nancy gets a call on her cell and says she has to go. Nancy, I can field the Tampa question: NO. Meanwhile, behind them, the curly-haired canvasser from last week is leading a prayer meeting. Soon, of course, she is overcome and starts speaking in tongues, which is when Doug enters, improvising another verse in his banjo ditty (which isn't hard when your lyrics are...pretending to speak in tongues). To the Bible-thumpers' credit, none of them punches Doug in the face -- possibly because to do so would require them to break speaking-in-tongues character.
Capt. Till has called Sullivan in to question him about what's been going on in his house. Sullivan calmly recaps the whole story (leave it to the professionals). Till assumes that if Sullivan was sleeping with Celia ("she of the magical house-earning pussy") in the house he gave her, he would have seen...you know, all the plants, but Sullivan says that he and Celia broke it off and that she must have started this sideline after their relationship ended, since she's such a complicated woman. Till: "Jesus, Groff, if I let you stick your finger up my ass, can I get a Porsche?" Sullivan doesn't even look like he's considering it! His mask of affability falls -- but just for a second, and then he asks to leave for Colorado Springs. Till tells him to leave a number. I'm sure it will totally, totally not be a fake with six digits, either.
Rec centre. Andy's getting a pedicure when Nancy creeps up to him and whispers that she has to go meet Guillermo. Andy emphatically tells her not to, and then tries to back off from giving her orders she's never going to heed by sweet-talking her with the rec centre's many perks -- pedicures, fondue, customers she can deal to. He then hisses at her that the man set the wildfires, and Nancy replies that it's all the more reason she shouldn't piss him off. Andy finally asks whether Nancy has a plan, and with a glance over at the Segway guy -- we get it, show! -- she says she's working on it.
Tara tears into the prayer meeting to ask if everyone's heard the good news. Well, the newer good news, anyway: the cops found the cross. All the prayer meeters take off. Silas tells Tara it's not safe, but she beatifically says that Jesus will protect them. "Jesus doesn't make you flame-retardant!" says Silas. No, but He...nah. It's almost His birthday; I'll skip that one.
Nancy has Segwayed to meet Guillermo on a hill overlooking the rapidly approaching flames. Guillermo offers up a bunch of blah blah -- "act of God" this, "part of nature" that -- but Nancy isn't having it, telling him they're talking about people's homes. Guillermo has an entirely too optimistic view of the wonders the displaced homeowners should expect, courtesy of FEMA, and Nancy isn't having that either, reminding him that her home is down there, too. Guillermo shrugs that she has insurance, but she crabs that she doesn't have any for her weed, or her customer base. Guillermo tells her that, in that case, their destruction might be a sign that it's time for her to move on, just like the bikers are doing. He says that Nancy's white, smart (eh), and pretty (that, I'll give him), and Nancy finishes his thought: "I'll think of something? Fuck you, that's my whole life." Guillermo tries again to get her to see the big picture: it's just one valley, but there's another hill, and another valley beyond it, and so on all the way south to Mexico. Nancy leans in and kicks it promo-style, quietly telling him he's facing west. Guillermo laughs that Nancy should be his navigator. He adds that his people bring in a lot of product. Nancy flatly says she won't be anyone's bitch again, but he tells her that's not what he has in mind: he would take her off the sales floor, and make her his navigator: "I get stuck in traffic a lot." "Stuck in traffic," Nancy repeats, not getting it (or maybe that's just me). Anyway, Guillermo adds, Nancy's house might be totally fine -- and then she could stay in Majestic forever. Hm.
Rec centre. Doug sings that it's just like the Super-Dome, except everyone's white and middle-class. Okay, kind of over the troubador now. Shane draws everyone's attention to yet another news report -- this one on the Christians who tried to get the cross out of the grow house. The reporter asks Tara, about to be loaded into an ambulance, why she and her colleagues did it. Tara: "The Lord told us to." Silas: "Okay, I'm over her." Way to catch up to the rest of us, Sile. Just then, an announcement comes over the PA for Celia to make herself known. Pam idiotically thinks Celia must have lost a raffle Pam wasn't even aware of, and excitedly raises Celia's hand for her...
...and then Celia's in Till's office, with a bunch of law-enforcement officers giving her the hairy eyeball. It takes her about twelve seconds to crack under the non-pressure and utter two magic words: "Nancy Botwin." This is why you don't let Squirrely into the group, man!
Speaking of Nancy: here she is on the Segway, buzzing up her block. A couple of cops are leaning on their car, maintaining the barricade, and refuse to let Nancy by, until she finally plays her trump, starting to cry because she forgot her husband's ashes in her house, which she says is "right there." Unable to resist the force of her tears, one of the cops lets her go, as long as she's back out in two minutes. Yeah, what kind of trouble could she get into in just two minutes?
Well, let's find out. I'm sure she's just planning to bring that can of gasoline out to the cops for safekeeping. Whoops! My bad: with cheeks still wet from her display outside, she opens the container and starts pouring gas all over the ultra-flammable great-room furniture. When she's emptied the container, she pulls out her phone to call Andy, telling him to collect the kids and get ready to "hit the road." Once she's hung up, she takes one final look around what had been her home for years, and quietly says, "Judah, if you're still here: I tried." She sure tried everything she knew how. Hell, this season she even got a job! She presses her lips together, and then gets back to business, pulling a box of matches out of a drawer and lighting one.
And then she's running out of the house again, empty-handed, returning to the Segway. The cop asks where the ashes are, and as she climbs back on the Segway, she says she forgot that her husband was actually buried. The cops obviously can't be bothered to deal with a demented homeowner, and let her Segway off into her uncertain future in...Albuquerque? I guess we'll find out season! Before that, though, we get a horrible, black version of the shots that make up the opening credits -- except now, all the little boxes are on fire. TOO SOON!