Previously, Nancy fucked Celia's boyfriend, and Celia planned to fuck Nancy's life for the second time in twelve episodes.
We bypass any of the bullshit and open on the goods, as Celia's in Nancy's kitchen in the middle of threatening to expose her illegal activities and calling her any number of nasty names like "slut," "cunt," "whore," "bitch," et cetera. Celia says she saw Nancy have sex with "the best man I've ever known" (so incredibly sad, that), and that she wants "in" on Nancy's action -- drug action, not demeaning sex with creepy men action -- or else she goes to the police. Nancy's measured and rational response is to grab Celia by the neck, take a giant honking knife from the countertop, and press it against Celia's throat, threatening to kill her dead if she goes to the cops. Nancy says she's over capitulating to every asshole who tries to blackmail, coerce, or otherwise shake her down -- though I might point out it's easy to say that now that she's got someone who she can actually overpower. Celia's freaked out, and that knife keeps getting pressed more and more up against her neck, and Nancy keeps moving her face closer and closer to Celia's, which of course gives us the hope that they could just decide to forget the animosity between them and start making out. Anyway, Nancy's one moment of acting like a badass is interrupted by Shane, who's apparently uncomfortable with his mother committing murder in their kitchen. Nancy tells him to say hello to Mrs. Hodes, and Celia takes this opportunity to swoon her way out of the Botwin house, taking her bottle of vodka with her (awesome) and calling Nancy a "sociopath." Yeah, it kind of seems that way this season. Once she's gone, Nancy explains that Celia "threatened mommy" and so she had to "scare" her. Shane asks if this is how it's going to be from now on, and Nancy's like, "...Yeah, pretty much."
Doug's asked Andy to meet him in the parking lot of the "Absolute Truth Ministries" in Majestic. Well...I guess all of it's Majestic now, which is part of the reason Doug's currently unspooling. He feels like he was taken in by Sullivan's promises of golf club memberships and sweet, sweet kickbacks, and now he's out for revenge. All Andy wants to do, however, is go pick up Dean and sell some weed, so he leaves Doug to his plotting. "Dumb Name will know my wrath!" Doug promises.
Aguatecture. Heylia is having coffee and pleasant conversation with a flowered-shirted gentleman, who turns out to be, for lack of a better term, the landlord for their warehouse property. After making small talk, he tells Heylia that the fire department's annual inspection is tomorrow, and she'll just have to let them poke around and make sure everything's up to code. Seeing Heylia's immediate "oh, shit" reaction, Flowered Shirt assumes that she's got "illegals" working for her, and he tells her to just get them out for the inspection and then move 'em on back in. Of course, that doesn't quite solve Heylia's problem, and when Flowered Shirt leaves, she heads back into the warehouse and tells Conrad (who's working with Silas) that the fire marshal's coming by tomorrow and "We all going to jail." She tells Conrad that, since he's the "big man" on this operation, that he should have known about this and it's his responsibility to fix it.
Cut to Nancy, on the phone with a no-doubt freaking Silas. She tells him she'll be right over. Shane, in the kitchen with his mom, is all, "So...abandoning me to go handle some drug-related mishap, are we?" She says she is. He asks if he can come along, but of course he can't, so he tells Nancy that she sucks. She's like, "Yep, I do," but she also describes a wonderful fantasy life she plans to have for herself and her kids, where she'll be there for Shane to babysit his kids and give him the down payment for his first house. She says they'll even spend one summer at the beach and actually spend time with each other, and they'll look back on these days as a "dark time." Nancy means every word of this, and it breaks my heart how much she wants to believe it.
At the Hodeses', Andy is rustling up Dean to go to whatever depraved activity Andy has planned for them, while Isabelle trails behind them all, "As the most mature and responsible person on this show at all of fourteen years old, may I point out that my dad is on a strict program of physical therapy that no one but I have been keeping up with, and also what can you possibly be doing with my father that requires a six-pack of beer?" Isabelle regards Andy in much the same way I often do -- a mixture of pity, disgust, and exasperation -- as Andy tosses said six-pack onto Dean's lap. Dean's like, "Ow! Hey!" which Andy takes for a positive, since it means that Dean's got feeling in his lap. Andy makes sure to grab the handicapped parking pass and wheels Dean out the door. Isabelle says a silent prayer that they both come back alive. Well, maybe that only one of them comes back alive.
Back at Aguatecture, Conrad and Silas are loading the entire crop into the back of a truck for relocation at a destination to be determined...by Nancy, who's just shown up. Nancy's like, "How is this my problem? I'm just the buyer." Conrad says that since she already put down the payment for this entire crop, it's already her weed, and since it's too young to harvest, she's going to need to find a place to put it. "Oh, so you jump and I'm the net?" Nancy asks. Conrad's like, "Yeah," and he points out how it's pretty much a reversal of how things used to be with them. Conrad bottom-lines that they need a new grow house tonight, then hollers over to Heylia and Vaneeta that he could use some workers who actually work, rather than "stand there and argue about who fucked up." Vaneeta works hard to raise a middle finger in the air at him, and Heylia just gives him a look, which also takes some effort. They do plenty, okay?
Elsewhere, we see that Andy has brought Dean to a rec center where there's a rollicking game of Murderball happening. Dean takes one look at the aggressive, collision-heavy action on the court and immediately is like, "Are you kidding me?" And of course, Andy's entire reason for bringing Dean is because some "biker chick" has been eyeing him ever since he started selling around these parts, and I guess having Dean with him is the equivalent of having a baby or a dog or a wedding band. The biker chick, meanwhile is played by Sprague Grayden, who now looks like Robin Tunney before Robin Tunney stopped looking like Robin Tunney. So Andy rolls Dean into the Murderball game against his will, and he quickly ends up wheeling for his life away from the fast-approaching crowd of angry paraplegics. Poor Dean. He doesn't even have one of those cool sporting wheelchairs where the wheels are on severe angles and it makes you look like you're on the way to Thunderdome. Pity.
Celia's on the phone trying to explain to someone or other at the hospital that she's totally broke, and they can turn things over to a collection agency if they'd like to pursue her "fillings." The doorbell rings, and while we all know where this is going, it's a good development, so I say we all enjoy it. It's Nancy, of course, and she wants to use Celia's abandoned house in Agrestic as her new grow house. Of course, she initially just tells Celia she needs to use her house for reasons of shut up, that's why, but Celia (who has grabbed a knife for her own protection and is wielding it like a fencer, which is adorable) won't be bowled over quite so completely, even if she does have a bandage on her neck from the last time she tried to get tough with Nancy. She sets the terms: fifteen grand a month, and Nancy has to use this house, the Majestic house, because this one isn't in her name. It's owned by Sullivan's dummy corporation. Think that'll ever come into play? Anyway: smart lady, our Celia. Nancy decides these terms are agreeable, except she needs the house right now, which means she has to dump an envelope's worth of cash on Celia's countertop to seal the deal. And she does! Nancy and Celia are in business together! Finally! Nancy immediately tells the guys outside to start bringing the stuff inside. Enter Conrad, Silas, Sanjay, and the cast of thousands who now apparently work for Aguatecture. Conrad formally tells Celia it's nice to see her again. "Do I know you?" Celia lies. Conrad supposes not. Isabelle walks in and is all, "...The hell?" Celia says they're moving into the old house, so they can be in a more "wholesome" environment.
Murderball. Dean's being abused by the ruffians on the court, while Andy's making the acquaintance of Sprague Grayden, a.k.a. "Denise." Denise has giant hoop earrings and says her father was a boxer, which means she's either a drug dealer or the token white girl in a competitive urban dance troupe. It appears that she wouldn't spit on Andy if he were on fire, but as she leaves, she inexplicably gives him her address and tells him to pick her up at 10 PM. I don't know about you guys, but my guess is that this time, Andy allowing himself to be led by his dick is going to turn out really positively.
Over at Grow House 3.0, the moving in continues apace, as does the moving out. Isabelle and her rolly suitcase pass by Heylia and Vaneeta and their tubs of weed, and they politely introduce each other, and just like last week, I worry about the structural integrity of the universe. Remember how awesome it was when Isabelle and Shane joined forces? Imagine Isabelle and Heylia. Isabelle wishes them luck with their operation, and after she passes, Vaneeta finally recognizes her as the Huskaroos girl. "She look thinner in person," Heylia says. "You think they pad her for that?" Celia, passing by, assures her they don't have to pad Isabelle for anything. This. This is the show I want to see. These four women running Aguatecture. And Sanjay could be their gay assistant. It'd be just like Designing Women. Anyway, Celia passes by Marvin (Marvin's still working for them?) and recognizes her as "the crazy bitch who drowned our weed." "Take it easy," Celia assures, "I'm on yo' side now." Oh, Celia. Continuing the parade of tertiary characters, in walk Sanjay and Clinique. She's pregnant with Sanjay's baby, if you recall, and he's begging her to hear him out. "Aint nothin' to say, faggot, 'cept send money." That's our Clinique. Sanjay suggests maybe they get married. And that's our Sanjay.
Doug's still spending his nights sleeping at his office, which makes it easier for Sullivan to sneak in and menace him in the middle of the night. Seems someone stole the giant, gaudy neon-lined cross from the front of the Absolute Truth Ministries, and seeing as it's worth $80,000, Sullivan wants to know where Doug stashed it. Doug's typically not forthcoming, so Sullivan takes his golf club and smashes the hell out of a blown-glass bong Doug has on his desk. He calls Doug pathetic and stalks out, promising that this ain't over. Doug says he'll send Sullivan a bill for the bong, then laments that "everyone's taxes are gonna smell like bong water now."
Over at Denise's House of White-Trash Décor, Andy shows up on time and is greeted by leather-jacketed Denise, her ill-tempered rottweiler (boxer? I neither know nor care) Ripper, and, most importantly, her burly, greasy boyfriend, "Chess." Chess doesn't say much, just rifles through Andy's messenger bag and pats Andy down while Andy does the nervous babbling he does so well. Chess finally produces a baggie of weed from Andy's sack, then grabs Ripper by the collar and leads his snarling jaws right up to Andy's other sack and asks where Andy gets his weed from. Andy spins a lie about buying from some guys downtown, which leads Chess to open the doors to is dining room, where the entire biker gang from Oz has apparently relocated in order to bag up weed. Denise assures Andy it's all cool, and Chess emerges with a giant bag full of weed and asks Andy if he'd be interested in buying. Andy's like, "Well, I'm good now, but I'll keep you in mind if I see 2001 is on pay cable..." but Chess interrupts and says to tell "Mrs. Botwin" that it's available if she's interested. "After all, we're local," says Chess. "It's the right thing to do." Oh, Nancy's so fucking this guy by season's end. I know I was offbase with the Doug/councilwoman thing from last week, but I think I'm right about this one. Chess then dismisses Andy, who stupidly still thinks he has a date with Denise. So I guess this is Andy's turn to ruin things for everyone, like Silas did last year. Sounds fun.
Grow House 3.0. Nancy and Conrad are unwinding after a hard day of relocating their massive narcotics operation in broad daylight. Nancy gets Conrad to clarify that they're not moving back to the warehouse after the fire marshal has come because they don't want to further damage the plants. They lost twenty in the move, says Conrad. "This here is like a halfway house for traumatized plants." They share a laugh, which...I can't even remember the last time that happened, and it's so nice to see. Nancy offers the service of her "crew" (I think she means her dealers?) since Conrad doesn't think Heylia and Vaneeta will be too keen on making the commute from Crackton to Majestic. They laugh some more about Conrad being a black man living on a golf course, then she asks how Silas is doing. Conrad says the kid's doing great: "He's got a future if he chooses to go this way." Nancy receives this like the knife in the gut that it is, but she also sees the other side, which is that Silas has more of a future now than he ever had as an angry, whiny birth-control-tamperer. On the verge of tears, Nancy asks Conrad if he thinks she's a bad person. He doesn't. She thanks him. Then she reaches her hand out to his chest, asking, "What about now?" and ladies and gentlemen, it's all over from there. Almost three full seasons and finally Nancy and Conrad are going for it. They do it right there on the kitchen counter, with Romany Malco's (impressive) ass on display for all to see. "You're fucking evil," he whispers into her face. And while I know that, since it's Weeds, this will probably end badly for them, for right now, I am pleased. Nancy finally got one right.